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Posts by HelpPls
Joined: Nov 15, 2009
Last Post: Dec 17, 2009
Threads: 5
Posts: 23  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 28
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HelpPls   
Dec 17, 2009
Undergraduate / Which communities of UPenn interest you, and how will you contribute to them [6]

I entirely changed my first half of the essay and parts of the second half.
This should be my final draft.


(The first couple paragraphs are so personal that I would not like to share)

... Another aspect of the SEAS that attracted me is its Engineering Entrepreneurship program. I believe this program will turn my dreams into realities by preparing me to be a successful member of the business world.

Like Nobel Prize laureates George E. Smith and Harald zur Hausen, I hope to bestow what I have profited from University of Pennsylvania to the world. I will utilize the results from my engineering research to help humanities by acquiring practical solutions to arduous and troublesome problems in society.

A good engineer must possess excellent creative problem-solving abilities. One enjoyable way to develop and improve this skill is by playing the competitive sport of chess. I have been an avid player since third grade. Some considered me unusual for replacing video games with chess for recreation, but I truly enjoyed the thought-provoking environment created while playing this ancient Indian board game. Not only could I develop my logical thinking and exercise my mind, but at the same time, I could also have fun. While playing, I felt like I'm an artist; my imagination and creativity ran wild with all the different possible arrangements I can accomplish. When learning that University of Pennsylvania has a chess club, I was elated. I couldn't wait to show other chess enthusiasts this new strategy I figured out on my own.

In the future, I plan to promote this interacting and salubrious Olympic sport by informing others of the health benefits as well as skills gained from playing this combative activity for the mind. Hopefully, I am capable of bringing in new members interested in this prosperous organization.

An engineer and a chess player have many characteristics in common. They both have numerous intellectual abilities, detail-oriented abilities, and sharp analytical aptitudes. Possessing all these qualities, I am the ideal candidate for the University of Pennsylvania SEAS and the chess club.
HelpPls   
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Perfect School Balance - Northwestern Statement [8]

You forgot the "and of the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying" part.
It should be 50/50 I think.
Other than that, it's a superb essay!
HelpPls   
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App: Activity (photographer... work with my dad) [8]

"New country. Same individual. New ambitions. Same courage. A seventeen-year-old-man, an ambitious student, and a photographer. "

Just a thought, do you really think it's fine to include this phrase in the essay?
I think you should better describe your photography experiences and how did they affect you.

Please critique my essays!
HelpPls   
Nov 28, 2009
Faq, Help / How do I delete a thread? [40]

Yes, I posted my new draft please remove the original draft from the "Which communities of UPenn interest you, and how will you contribute to them" thread.
HelpPls   
Nov 25, 2009
Faq, Help / How do I delete a thread? [40]

How do I delete my own thread?

There's one of my thread that I want to delete because I don't want others finding it via google. I tried closing the thread but it didn't work. If I can't delete my thread, at least let me edit it pls!
HelpPls   
Nov 25, 2009
Faq, Help / Turnitin website - originality report [15]

Turnitin isn't that reliable in my opinion. One time, I didn't plagiarize anything but it showed 60% plagiarized!
HelpPls   
Nov 23, 2009
Undergraduate / an asian family -UC personal statement: Describe the world you come from [...] [6]

"As a seven year old, and a seven year old from an asian family at that"

-It might be just me but this sentence is a bit awkward.

"I grew up like this, being a kid only when I could sneak a few moments of television when my parents weren't home."

Are you sure you want to say this? It might make adcoms think you're a little irresponsible.
HelpPls   
Nov 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Which communities of UPenn interest you, and how will you contribute to them [6]

Which of the academic communities and social communities that now comprise the University of Pennsylvania are most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn community?

Tick tock, tick tock, the clock counted down the leftover seconds I had to finish the exam.
"Time! Put your pencils down and we'll come around to pick up your tests," cried out the proctors as they approached us.

Finally, the long-anticipated test was over, I had never felt so relieved before. After spending two months of my summer reading a variety of college-level books on Roman history, I traveled a thousand miles to Ohio to participate in the 2008 National Junior Classical League Convention. The efforts and the time have not been thrown away in vain. Later that week, as I sat nervously at the award ceremony, a piercing voice shouted out "Fifth place goes to Jacky Wu from Utah!" It's at that instant I first realized that I wanted to devote my life to history.

After explaining my desired future career to my relatives, my uncle-one of the few family members I look up to-offered me a priceless piece of advice. "If you want to major in history, I suggest you attend University of Pennsylvania. With a high numbers of prestigious and innovative faculties, its school of arts & sciences is among the best colleges in the world. In addition, it also has a large array of history courses from African American history 1876-present to the history of the Zionist debates." Ever since then, I viewed University of Pennsylvania's school of arts & sciences as the next stage of my life, the stage where I would reach the peak of my education and shine.

Browsing through the list of outstanding alumni, I caught sight of numerous distinguished names of individuals who contributed to their community in their own unique ways. Like Nobel Prize laureates George E. Smith and Irwin Rose, I hope to bestow what I have profited from this college to the larger society. I will utilize the results from my historical research to aid mankind in a better understanding of the past so that we can foresee the future and prevent the past catastrophes from happening in the present or in the near future.

Tick tock, Tick tock, the clock stroke a familiar sound. This time it was sharply reminding me of the time I have left to make the next smiting chess move.

"Checkmate!" I shouted, not able to believe my luck or to control my excitement.
"Excellent game Jacky," Coach Anderson commented, "I believe you just reached 3rd place in Milford High's chess team!"
I have been an avid player of chess since third grade. Some considered me unusual for replacing video games with chess for recreation, but I truly enjoyed the thought-provoking environment engendered while playing this ancient Indian board game. Not only can I develop my logical thinking and exercise my mind in this competitive sport, but at the same time, I can also have fun. While playing, I felt like I'm an artist; my imagination and creativity ran wild with all the different possible arrangements I can accomplish. When learning that University of Pennsylvania has a chess club, I was elated. I couldn't wait to show other chess enthusiasts from around the nation this new move I figured out on my own!

If I am accepted to this university, I plan to try to promote this interacting and salubrious Olympic sport by informing others of the health benefits gained from playing this combative activity for the mind, and hopefully, I am capable of bringing in new members interested in this prosperous organization.
HelpPls   
Nov 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "Being a 'quad-lingual'" - UC Prompt #2 [8]

You have great story-telling abilities. Nice flow, mediocre vocabularies

However something about your introduction is not complete.
HelpPls   
Nov 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Include a short response explaining why you want to attend Brandeis. [4]

When I asked my dad which universities I should apply to, only two words came out of his mouth-Brandeis University. Having ranked in the first tier on the list of best national universities compiled by US News and World Report, Brandeis is, no doubt, one of the best colleges in the country. In addition, it is also internationally renowned for its emphasis on undergraduate education, its high academic quality, as well as its colossal number of student organizations.

Browsing through the list of notable alumni, I caught sight of numerous distinguished names of individuals who helped shape the world in their own unique ways. For example, Myra Kraft, a 1964 graduate of Brandeis, distributed millions of dollars to various institutions from the Children's Hospital Boston to the United Way of Massachusetts. And Olaf Olafsson, after receiving a bachelor's degree from Brandeis, helped Sony launch the well-known PlayStation game console.

Another aspect of the university that attracted me is the diverse student body of the institution. Being a socially curious person from another country, I am eager to meet and to live with students of different ethnicities and backgrounds. With the different array of cultures and customs, Brandeis will create the feeling of living in a global village.

If I am accepted to this university, I plan to be very active in this school both academically and socially. Furthermore, like the alumni, I will make a positive impact on the university as well as on the larger community.
HelpPls   
Nov 22, 2009
Undergraduate / "The anxiety and excitement" - What else can I add [6]

Maybe a better hook?

Some punctuation errors:

e.g. "This means, I always have to watch out and take care of my teammates."- drop the comma.

Some subject-verb agreement errors.

Use a thesaurus to find more sophisticated words
HelpPls   
Nov 21, 2009
Undergraduate / "As an immigrant from China".. Describe the world you come from [3]

Thanks but I have already went over the limit. lol The limit is 250 words, mine's 258.

Yes, I understand many Americans are now turning thrifty because of the economy, I was probably trying to say that the average Americans are more wasteful than an average Chinese.
HelpPls   
Nov 21, 2009
Undergraduate / "As an immigrant from China".. Describe the world you come from [3]

Does my essay fit the topic???

"Fang! Are you just going to sit there? Come join us. You don't have the privilege to visit the arcade everyday!" Andrew yelled.

"No thanks, I'll wait until you guys are finished. Besides, I already wasted two dollars on the pinball machine," I complained, rejecting his invitation.

"Only two bucks? Dude, you are the cheapest person I've ever met! I've already spent more than half of my money!" Andrew shouted.

As an immigrant from China, I possess traits and values that are not shared by many others in the United States and are difficult to obtain in America. One of them is thrift. Growing up in a developing country where the per capita income is awfully low, I have to be frugal. For example, because water is quite expensive in China, I tend to "recycle" water. I often save up all the dirty water I have used and then dump them into the latrine to flush down the toilet.

"Guys it's getting late, I think we should go now." I announced to my friends.
"Uh-oh, bad news, I only have fifty cents left in my pocket. How are we going to get home? How much money do you guys have left?" Andrew asked in despair.

"Yep, we're doomed. I only have three quarters left!" Jesse cried.
"Thank goodness you guys are with me. Come, I will pay for your taxi fare." With that I saved my friends from all the troubles they might have to face.
HelpPls   
Nov 21, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Applying, not just passing by' - Why I applied to Lehigh... [7]

You might want to include a catchier introduction. Good transitions and nice flow.

You forgot the "not only, but also" concept.

"Not only is Lehigh a very secure campus, but it is also very prestigious."
HelpPls   
Nov 18, 2009
Undergraduate / 'math tutoring program' Activity Essay for the Common app [9]

Sorry, one more thing. The word "Tutor" is used too many times in a short span of two lines. I tried to replace at least one of these instances with an interchangeable word. But can the words "mentor" or "instructor" replace "tutor?"
HelpPls   
Nov 16, 2009
Undergraduate / 'math tutoring program' Activity Essay for the Common app [9]

Should D's and F's be written Ds and Fs because I was referring to the plural rather than the posessive?
Also, my friends pointed out that I had some grammar mistakes ie subject-verb agreement but I couldn't find any.
Does the alliteration "fervent fan" bothers anybody?
Lastly, is the last sentence awkward?
HelpPls   
Nov 16, 2009
Undergraduate / About natural disasters and their influences on me. [10]

Prompt

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

OR

Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.

(My essay fits both prompt, though I prefer the former. What do you think after reading it?)

In the past 18 months, two natural disasters left me in tears and made me ponder deeply. One happened in China, where I was born and lived in for nine years, while the other occurred in Fargo, North Dakota, where I have been living for the other nine years.

In the late spring of last year, news of an 8.0 magnitude earthquake that struck Sichuan, China, quickly spread around the world. As I stared at the images of the collapsed houses, the dead and injured compatriots, and the frightened survivors, warm tears rolled down my cheek, and empathy filled my heart. I felt obligated to do something. At last I decided to donate 200 dollars, the largest amount I have ever donated, to the victims of the catastrophe. My parents were very proud of my compassion and pure commitment, and at the same time, they also felt somewhat surprised since I am usually very frugal, believe it or not, even thriftier than they are. Realizing my individual contribution is insignificant compared to the losses engendered by the earthquake, I raised awareness of and funding for the victims. With Principle Dahlen's approval, I hanged my fundraising posters all over the school and hoped more students could provide assistance to the unfortunates. Although I have no way of knowing how much money was donated by my classmates, it's delightful to know that China received many humanitarian aids from many countries such as America. It seems we are living in a global village where people help each other regardless of their nationality.

In the early spring of this year, about one year after the earthquake, a flood was threatening to ravage my city, Fargo, North Dakota. A colossal amount of snow was deposited in this region last winter. As the weather got warmer, more and more snow melted. All of the water then poured down in the Red River. At last, when the river rose up to an alarming height, all schools in the area were closed, and residents were encouraged to volunteer filling sandbags and to help fight the flood. Meanwhile, my family was also going through a difficult time; everyone caught the cold. Worst of all, my cold morphed into a nasty pneumonia. While the mass majority of my peers were fighting the flood under the chilly wind, I was lying in bed. As the water elevation increased, the mayor urged residents to be prepared to evacuate. Getting out of our sick beds, we moved our important belongings up to the second floor, devised an escape plan, and braced ourselves for the worst-case scenario. Although the flood water crested at one foot above the previous record, the majority of my city was saved by the efforts and the will of the volunteers.

After recovering from our illnesses, my family drove near a river-side park where we once held picnics. The whole park was still completely submerged under the flood water. The ferocious gray water tumbled, but was blocked by the temporary dike made out of sandbags. Similar to the Great Wall, the dike ran as far as the eye could see. It's terrifying to think that the flood water was only one mile away from my home. As I gazed in awe at the breathtaking spectacle, tears trickled down my cheek in appreciation of the volunteers. This event reminded me of a well-known Chinese proverb: "A near neighbor is more helpful than a far-dwelling relative."

A famous Chinese poem says, "Men weep only when deeply affected." Yes, I shed tears of sympathy for the losses of the earthquake, and I wept tears of gratitude for the volunteers of the flood. The recent two disasters made me realize that our knowledge of nature is very limited, but our community is yet so powerful and supportive.

Up to this day, I still feel a pang of guilt in my chest for not being able to volunteer during the time of crisis. My father understood my sentiment and what he said next was forever embedded in my memory: "Don't dwell on the past. You are still young. In the future, you will have tons of opportunities and many ways to contribute to our community as well as to our society." As an incoming college student, I know what I should do.

------------------------------------------------------------ --------------
Thanks for your time and help!
HelpPls   
Nov 16, 2009
Undergraduate / "a helping hand" college essay [10]

You might want to explain this meningitis encephalitis. Maybe it's just me, but I have no idea what kind of disease that is.
HelpPls   
Nov 16, 2009
Undergraduate / Game Freak- Common App Essay [10]

I disagree with Needhelp99, I think your essay should be between 500 to 700, and try not to go over 700 or 800. If you wrote less than 500, adcoms might think you have nothing else to say.
HelpPls   
Nov 15, 2009
Undergraduate / 'math tutoring program' Activity Essay for the Common app [9]

Please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

In the beginning of my senior year, our school decided to create a math tutoring program aimed to reduce the number of students receiving D's and F's. Student tutors were only selected from the senior AP Calculus classes. Being a fervent fan of mathematics, I was honored to become a member of the tutor team. Although most tutors only volunteered one to two hours each week, I was one of the two tutors who devoted one hour each day to assist the underclassmen. It was a joy teaching the beginners. Not only did my schoolmates improved their grades, but I myself also profited from this program: my communication skills were sharpened, my knowledge of basic geometry and algebra was refreshed, and most importantly, my sense of accomplishment was fulfilled with the belief that I have positively affected someone's life.

____________________________________________________________ ________________________

I don't know if I wanted to delete the "Being a fervent fan of mathematics" part.
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