Undergraduate / '...shook his head, sadly' - You have just completed your 300-page autobiography; page 217. [21]

You're definitely going to stand out, but I don't think that's a good thing in this case.

Do you think a college would want to know that this is the life you're headed for if you go to their college? I'm not sure the risk you're taking will pay off.

Essays / Question for UNC essay (word count) [26]

It won't kill your chances, but I believe they will sort of look at it unfavorably. They want students who can follow directions, and part of the challenge of these prompts is getting them inside the word limits, as difficult as it is sometimes.

Undergraduate / "Ten minus seven"; EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITY- tutoring [5]

In order to achieve the desired epiphany from a child, I find I must alter my explanations multiple times to find the right fit

Just something small.
Nice job!

Undergraduate / Activity Essay for Common Application (paintings) [8]

It's a nice start, but right now it feels much too brief. I found myself wanting to hear more about art has affected you, perhaps explain more in detail why art brightens up your day? What about painting makes you happy, besides making things look shiny?

You definitely have room to write more. After all, you've got about half of your word limit unused.

Undergraduate / Why Cornell Engineering? -- a disjointed essay about joints? [8]

Ack, how do you edit a post? I made some minor changes to my essay.
Still looking for advice on how to improve this!

Undergraduate / My Common App essay - going to Princeton, Yale, Williams, Tufts, et al. [6]

Oh, I absolutely adore your writing style. But uh, I'm actually a little confused. Who is Tilly, exactly?

Also, what point are you trying to drive home with this story?

Undergraduate / Why Cornell Engineering? -- a disjointed essay about joints? [8]

Thanks, Kevin! Made that change. I wish I had the time to read that book, I checked it out online and it seems pretty interesting. Alas. I may just pick it up after college apps though.

Undergraduate / "dance my worries away" - stanford supplement: letter to roommate [8]

Actually, I'm pretty sure a lot of people write this prompt as a letter. So it's not a completely original idea, but it won't hurt you.


Loosely tied? Loosely attached makes it sound like your hair will start falling out any second.



I also work dancing into almost every action I do throughout the day. Try to avoid passive tense.

And I agree about the part about predators, sounds a little creepy/dramatic.

Otherwise, your voice definitely shows through, this is a very honest piece of writing. Good work!

Undergraduate / Why Cornell Engineering? -- a disjointed essay about joints? [8]

Thanks so much, Raphael and Emily!

Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement---my teacher [2]

Is Sudheer your teacher's last name? You might want to say Mr. Sudheer, or whatever his last name was.


You're a bit vague in this part. Just say what he changed, what the extra factor was, don't try to write around it.


I think you mean to say that he didn't give you the solution.


what does this mean?


It's a nice essay, but it is a little bit generic. Maybe bring in some more description of your "crazy" teacher and talk about how your view of him changed at the end of the essay?

Undergraduate / Common App Activity and Essay Prompt: Key Club/ Autobiography of Jun/Sr yr of HS [6]


This part seems rather vague. I would replace it with describing in more detail what sorts of projects you actually do and how they've influenced you.

Are you recycling a UPenn essay, or did you just like the prompt?
I don't feel like writing about the application process will help you too much. Because it's page 217 out of 300, I'm pretty sure you're supposed to write more about what you think the future will have in store for you, what you will be like a few years from now.

Undergraduate / My passion for learning and science - Cornell Engineering [15]

Haha, you're not secretly me, are you? I really hate to mention this, but we do have a bit of similarity with our essays...

https://essayforum.com/undergraduate-admission-essays-2/cornell-eng ineering-disjointed-essay-joints-12410/

Like with the focus on studying the hand, the "as a student of art/science," going beyond sketching into biomedical engineering.

I don't want to imply anything, but I am just a little worried that the adcom will think something is odd, since I'm applying to JHU's biomedical engineering program also with an edited version of my cornell essay.

I adore your writing though - this essay is beautiful like your others - and I understand if you don't see what I'm talking about the same way. (: Anyway, best of luck with your application!

Speeches / What don't you know - a speech to God [25]

It's cute, but I don't feel like you actually explain much in this essay. Your first paragraph is alright, but a little long considering it's basically unnecessary to the prompt.

Your second paragraph is again, a nice conversation, but it really gets off on a tangent with the vines.
However, only in your third paragraph do you really focus on what you don't know. I think you should cut down the other two paragraphs and expand on that.

Undergraduate / My passion for learning and science - Cornell Engineering [15]

Yeah, I'm kind of kicking myself. ): I did change mine a bit so I think our intros should be fine, but I'll see if I can perhaps edit some more.

I guess it's a case of great minds think eerily alike!

Ack, I knew I shouldn't have recycled my engineering essays so many times.

Speeches / What don't you know - a speech to God [25]


I guess it could just be me then, but I'd prefer seeing you focus more on the secular aspects of your essay rather than the religious aspects. I thought the way you chose to talk to God was just a vehicle for introducing Jonathan and his situation, but I didn't automatically associate it with your religious insecurities, I guess you could say? I'm not a religious person myself. If you'd like to keep it this way, that should be fine, good luck with your application.

Undergraduate / My passion for learning and science - Cornell Engineering [15]

Oh, don't be silly! I only wish I could write as elegantly as you do, you really have a way with words.

I think maybe you should keep your original version and just change a bit of the wording that we had in common? I don't want to force you to pick your alternate piece, and we approach it our subjects differently enough that your original should be more than okay.

It's totally up you to which you want to use, but I went through and tried to make a few edits and sentence combinations in the first two paragraphs of your other option. It's the least I could do.

Maybe a more gripping first sentence?

Undergraduate / My passion for learning and science - Cornell Engineering [15]

Actually, I edited my essay so I didn't spend as much time talking about studying the hand, so I think it will actually be alright.

I'm really sorry for making you worry! You should definitely keep your original version. And I agree, it's kind of funny how we enjoy the same sorts of things. (:

Undergraduate / 1.Why physics? 2. name 3 qualities you possess --Bucknell Supplements - - [6]


I was just skimming through, but I noticed you probably shouldn't include this line. Physics involves quite a bit of math, first of all, and what you say about math in this line makes you look rather short-sighted. Besides, what if the person who reads your essay was a math major?

Undergraduate / Yale Supplement - the Pitbull's grin [22]

I love the story! But although narrative is definitely important, I think most colleges are just as interested in seeing you evaluate how your experiences have affected you. Definitely don't blow that off in your ending.

I'm not sure how close you are to your word limit, but if you find yourself running out of space, I think you could afford to lose some description of your trip in the second paragraph. It's not totally essential to the story.

And maybe one suggestion for word choice: replace some of the grinning with smiling like you did in the ending? I know you're trying to emphasize the grin, but the constant grinning freaks me out a little. Otherwise, great job! (:

Undergraduate / Yale Supplement - the Pitbull's grin [22]

Indeed, I kept coming up with this weird picture of a Joker dog.
Maybe just another sentence or so on the optimism? Perhaps a little follow up on your current life with Buddy, if you ended up keeping him after the road trip that is.

Undergraduate / Yale Supplement - the Pitbull's grin [22]

That would probably work! You're a fantastic writer, so you'll definitely do well whatever you choose to do.

Essays / Question on "additional infomation" on essay application [12]

I wouldn't really write too much in there unless it's to explain something significant, like you got cancer junior year and had to miss months of school.

If you're thinking about adding another piece of writing, some type of essay, I would advise against it. Adcoms do get tired of reading.

However, another option is to attach a resume or activity list to expand on your extracurriculars, I know quite a few people at my school are doing that.

Undergraduate / Yale Supplement - the Pitbull's grin [22]

Try to cut some unnecessary description out; it's always best to stick to the word limit, as that's part of the challenge of essay-writing.

Undergraduate / All NYU Personal Statement Prompts - "Movie, NYer, Poem, Summer and Major" [5]

I really like your writing! (Could be that I just have a favorable bias to your awesome username though) Nice job staying on target with those word limits, by the way.

But I have to agree with Emily's edits of the summer answer, there was a bit of mental whiplash in the lack of transitions.

Undergraduate / MIT: what I do for pleasure: human iPod - (91 words, v short!) [4]

Capitalize Apple, since it's a company, and maybe combine a few sentences to get rid of that choppy feel. Then you're set!

Undergraduate / Short, funny Yale responses [4]

I think you should write something different for your first response. It shows you sacrificed your social life because you didn't manage your time well enough in your application process.


Yeah, I'd probably write a few words about why.


I don't think prosecuted is the word you're going for. Also, like the first one, this basically says you wish you had better time management skills so you could sleep more? You can't really be better at sleeping.



And maybe you could replace this sentence with something more Yale-specific?

Good luck! (:

Undergraduate / "A scar in my heart" my CommonApp essay. Pease, help me with my grammar. [3]

I was really rather confused at first, I thought you had actually been shot.
What you want to say is that "it felt as if I had been shot in the heart", not "thought I knew a gun had just shot me."

Did you immigrate alone? I don't understand why you didn't see your family and friends around you.