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Posts by doug
Joined: Nov 23, 2009
Last Post: Jan 5, 2010
Threads: 4
Posts: 23  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 27
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doug   
Jan 5, 2010
Undergraduate / "A song with a prolonged "Aaaahh" - Personal Essay [12]

I have to agree with smallick13. I don't think this answers the prompt at all. You describe an anecdote, but I don't see the connection to diversity at all. You also don't mention what you would bring to the diversity in a college community.

This essays really seems to be just "how your parents have impacted you."
doug   
Dec 24, 2009
Student Talk / Do colleges know about EssayForum? [39]

I don't know, just because our full name shows up doesn't mean it is ours. I could probably type out an essay someone else posted and claim it as my own. I could just leave out that person's name.
doug   
Dec 24, 2009
Student Talk / Do colleges know about EssayForum? [39]

I was wondering if colleges knew that students posted their essays on essayforum. And if colleges use some sort of program to check for plagiarism, will our essays on essayforum show up as plagiarism?
doug   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement Suggestions: Describe something intellecutally stimulating [6]

"you are referring to Nine Inch Nails and Daft Punk, right? Make that part clearer and try to explain more what a 'new age music' is. Also, I don't really get how new age music contrasts with electronic music, even though you talk about the sinusoidal graphs (which makes me even more confused..)." -sporty

I'm not sure what sporty is talking about, from what i read new age music=electronic music. Also, referring to Nine Inch Nails and Daft Punk was pretty clear in my opinion.

Really the only problem here, in my opinion, is that you should probably explain more on why it's stimulating to you rather than just talking about the science behind the music. Then again, you do answer the prompt.
doug   
Nov 30, 2009
Scholarship / Essay for Rice/Baylor Medical Scholars Program [4]

Yikes, this needs a lot of work and you don't have much time left. In my opinion, all you really need to do is talk more about your experiences, aspirations and relationships. Give specific examples/experiences that affected each of them. Also, I don't really think your last paragraph fits with the prompt.

All I got from this was that you want to study medicine, but your reasons are too vague and aren't supported very well by your examples.
doug   
Nov 28, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Irvine Personal Statement Supplement Nursing Program: Time with Su Ping [9]

It's not bad, but I'm not too sure it actually answers the prompt. What are your goals and plans for the future as it relates to the Program in Nursing Science. I think you answered what your goals are as it relates to the profession.

Also, why nursing and not try becoming a doctor?
doug   
Nov 28, 2009
Undergraduate / USC Prompt 3 (reflect on a challenge you overcame through persistence) [7]

Murphy's law is an adage that basically states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

The mental reset was just an expression, it doesn't have to be taken literally... or does it?

And I was really wondering if I have the reflecting down, or should I add more reflection throughout this essay?
doug   
Nov 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Pg.217 UPenn Essay (Optional) [5]

I've got to agree with meisjon. This really doesn't say much about you except that you want to go to UPenn, which they already know since you're applying. Also if its pg.217 out of 400 in your autobiography, you should probably talk about something you plan to accomplish past college.

Anyone care to edit my essay? =)
doug   
Nov 28, 2009
Undergraduate / "The day of the marathon" - Help with Prompt 2 of the UC application [4]

Students Run L.A. helped me achieve one of my personal goals(You should mention what your personal goal was).. this program challenged me mentally, helped me create goals, and developed a sense of confidence in me I never knew I had.

Completing the marathon is more tha n running 26.2 miles, it is a metaphor for my life and how I will continue to overcome obstacles.

There may be times in life when people or other obstacles can possiblemay deter me from accomplishing my dreams, but it is my own determination and the positive influences I have had will help me persevere and hurdlechange hurdle to something else over life's obstacles.

Their jesting motivated me and I was determined to take this challenge and prove to them that even though I was not physically or mentally ready yet, I was committed to accomplishing my goal.

You might want to reword this cause it sounds like you're a reckless person, which isn't always a good thing.

can you help me edit my essay? (check my profile)
doug   
Nov 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Imporant Influence - Physics Teacher [5]

and thus strive to excel in all of my classes. <----- last sentence.

Also, what do you mean "value knowledge as a whole?" How do you value only part of knowledge?

Other than that, it looks alright.

can you help me edit my essay?
doug   
Nov 28, 2009
Undergraduate / USC Prompt 3 (reflect on a challenge you overcame through persistence) [7]

Thomas Edison failed many times before successfully inventing the modern electric light bulb. He said, "If I find 10,000 ways something won't work, I haven't failed. I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward." Reflect on a challenge you overcame through persistence. (500-700 words)

Any help would be greatly appreciated. I'd really like to know if I answered the prompt.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------
I ascended the grassy knoll, placed my tee on the ground, and fired the ball with all my might. It landed well right of my target. As I walked back to the cart, I mumbled to myself, "What a great way to start a round of golf." I then walked back to the golf cart and watched my father take his turn to tee off.

I started playing golf in the middle of my eighth grade year. Since then, I continually challenged my father to a round of golf every week, but had never been able to defeat him.

Besides my wobbly tee shot on the first hole, I played better than normal, and at the end of the fourth hole, I had a one shot lead over my father. By the fourth hole, we caught up to the groups in front of us, so we were forced to wait. While waiting for my turn to tee off, I took a look at the scorecard and planned out how I would play the remaining holes in order to maintain my lead. I thought that as long as I followed my plan, everything would work out. For the next three holes, everything went according to plan, and I managed to increase my lead.

However, soon everything realigned to Murphy's Law. Just as soon as I thought nothing could go wrong that day, on the very next hole I ended up hitting my golf ball into a forest. After a quick cost-benefit analysis, I decided to hit the ball over the trees; it was a shot that I can confidently say I can pull off once out of every one thousand tries. In hindsight, it was not a very smart move and just added to my struggles.

Needless to say, I failed in my attempt and the ball ended up hitting a tree and returned to where it originally sat. I decided to play it safe and tried hitting the top of the ball so that it would roll on the ground toward the fairway. However, the ball must have hit a rock since it bounced back towards me. Once I finally hit the ball out of the trees and into the hole, I lost my lead.

The game continued this way, and by the end of nine holes, I was down by six strokes.
Although I was very frustrated by this time, I knew there was only one way I could come out on top. I decided to forget about all the successes and failures I had on the previous nine holes. In essence, I hit a restart button. I focused only on what was ahead of me and ignored everything that had happened in the last two hours. By the end of the round of golf, I was surprised that I had actually beaten my father. I was so focused on my own game that I did not even realize when I had taken back the lead.

I was proud of myself for finally beating my father at golf; however, in retrospect, the countless hours spent practicing on the driving range were much more fun and rewarding than the single moment when I realized that I had won. In a way, this event has taught me that the real fun lies in working toward a goal and the end result is just a side benefit.
doug   
Nov 26, 2009
Undergraduate / my passion for nursing and things i will do if i actually became one [6]

Not sure if you revised your essay, but about the prompt, I thought you answered only half of it. I didn't really see you mention anything about the program in nursing science. Maybe mention why that school's program is best for you and how you plan to take advantage of what it has to offer.
doug   
Nov 24, 2009
Undergraduate / "My father has shaped myself" - Describe the world you come from [9]

This may just be me, but I get the feeling I read your intro from another person's paper a few days ago. Almost the exact same one...

Other than that, I think you should mention what your dreams and aspirations are and how your world has shaped them.
doug   
Nov 24, 2009
Undergraduate / my passion for nursing and things i will do if i actually became one [6]

Ever since my childhood, I greatly enjoyed helping others out with whatever difficulties they might have. I did not really know what to do what with this passion of mine, but as I grew older I realized that assisting people and making them feel better would be a dream come true if it became my future career. I come from Africa, where many people are faced with different illnesses that have few cures. I thought it would be a splendid idea if I helped those people and put a smile on their faces. It made sense to me that with a passion like mine the perfect career would be to become a nurse. When I go to hospitals I observe the nurses. I observe how they interact with the patients and I also admire how warm they are. Doing so has given me the confidence that nursing is really what I want to do, and doing what I absolutely love for a career will be a dream come true. When I get my career I will go to Africa and give back. I will try to set up a clinic to treat the less privileged. I will also travel around the world to assist the less fortunate

I think it would be a great idea to mention why you want to become a nurse as opposed to a doctor. Also, you might want to talk about your goals as it relates to the program in nursing science since that is also part of the prompt.

By the way, could you also edit my essay?
doug   
Nov 24, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Prompt; Repressed Memoir of My Past [24]

meisj0n
I assume your first sentence was directed at me. I was referring to the sentence before the one you quoted: "I want to become a psychologist because I am so proud of my observant personality and listening to stories and acting like a therapist to those around me was never classified as a chore, but more like a gift." <---- this doesn't really fit in with everything else that was mentioned earlier. There may be a way you could change it so that it does fit with your essay, but just removing this one sentence would make your essay stronger.

And I did edit other people's essays.
doug   
Nov 23, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Prompt; Repressed Memoir of My Past [24]

Everything looked good except the second to last sentence. That sentence does not really fit in with the rest of your essay and you could probably take it out and it would make your essay stronger, in my opinion.

To everyone who has posted on this thread, please help edit my essay too.
doug   
Nov 23, 2009
Undergraduate / UC prompt 2 a round of golf [8]

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

any help would be appreciated, but I'd like more commentary on the content.

I ascended the grassy knoll, placed my launching pad on the ground, and fired the projectile with all my might. It landed well right of my target. As I walked back to the cart, I mumbled to myself, "What a great way to start a round of golf." I then walked back to the golf cart and watched my father take his turn to tee off.

I started playing golf in the middle of my eighth grade year. Since then, I continually challenged my father to a round of golf every week, but had never been able to defeat him.

Besides my wobbly tee shot on the first hole, I played better than normal, and at the end of the fourth hole, I had a one shot lead over my father. By the fourth hole, we caught up to the groups in front of us, so we were forced to wait. While waiting for my turn to tee off, I took a look at the scorecard which had drawings for every hole on the course. I then planned out how I would play the remaining holes in order to maintain my lead. For the next three holes, everything went according to plan, and I managed to increase my lead.

However, soon everything realigned to Murphy's Law. Just as soon as I thought nothing could go wrong that day, on the very next hole I ended up hitting my golf ball into a forest. After a quick cost-benefit analysis, I decided to hit the ball over the trees; it was a shot that I can confidently say I can pull off once out of every one thousand tries. Needless to say, I failed in my attempt and the ball ended up hitting a tree and returned to where it originally sat. I then decided to play it safe and tried hitting the top of the ball so that it would roll on the ground toward the fairway. However, the ball must have hit a rock because it suddenly hopped into the air, hit a tree, and bounced back towards me. Once I finally hit the ball out of the trees and into the hole, I lost my lead.

Similar events took place on the next hole, and by the end of nine holes, I was down by six strokes.
For the next nine holes, I decided to forget about all the success and failures I had on the previous nine holes. In essence, I hit a restart button. I focused only on what was ahead of me and ignored everything that had happened in the last two hours. By the end of the round of golf, I was surprised that I had actually beaten my father. I was so focused on my own game that I did not even realize when I had taken back the lead. Also, not only did I beat my father, I actually beat my previous best score by three strokes.

Needless to say, I was proud of myself for beating my father; however, I was also proud of myself for not giving up the game despite several years of failure.