Undergraduate / Cornell University - REASONS for TRANSFER [3]

I like the clarity and directness of your essay. 2 short comments: 1. You need to be a little more specific. The only thing I feel that you understand about Cornell is that it offers 4000+ courses, and even then I'm not sure it is unique to Cornell. Are there specific programs, research opportunities, labs, that you are interested in Cornell? When I went through the application process a few years back, my counselor said that if you can replace the name of the college by another one, say Yale, then there is really no distinctiveness in that essay.

2. Passive sentence structure. Example:


I would fully take advantage of the opportunity of attending Cornell as it would be a great investment for my future.

There are a few other similar circumstances. try to use "I -action-" instead of "the school"

Undergraduate / Stanford Supplements: Necropsy, My Ears are My Soul, Freedom - EA [5]

Here's an idea that seemed really interesting, but severely lacks support.

Unfettered from tradition, Stanford's independent spirit stands as a beacon for all possibility.
Why so? I'm sure that you know of Stanford's strange acceptance pattern, explaining the uniqueness of its student body, but in what way? You mention several academic aspects of Stanford, but these are not unique at all...neither do they show an "independent spirit" nor "beacon for all possibility"

Food for thought: capture Stanford's uniqueness, and your essay would truly be special. Far more than simple eloquence.

Research Papers / Death Penalty Research paper (it should be banned) [10]


if all think like you, then we wouldn't have any murders. However, we do have murders, which is against the nature of things; therefore, it's ok, even righteous, to sentence the person who infringed human rights in the first place for the sake of good nature of things.

This argument is supported by Hamlet: Regicide is unnatural (against nature), but since the king's brother murdered the king, it's only natural that he gets killed as well, even though he becomes the new king.

Now, i'm not supporting death penalty; simply showing you the flaw of your argument.

Essays / Is the Statement of Purpose (PhD program) word limit enforced strictly? [10]

Although I am uncertain for PHD programs, usually the word limit stands for +-10%. Since it states 300-500 words and not around 500 words, the admin might want below or equal to 500.

I'm sure that you could reduce it somehow, often it's cutting down a few nonessential details that'll do the trick.

Research Papers / Death Penalty Research paper (it should be banned) [10]

MsDiva08
lol what are you looking for? a rough draft of the paper?

Research Papers / Death Penalty Research paper (it should be banned) [10]


Well, for a research paper, paraphrasing ISN'T enough. What defines a research paper is the incorporation of various sources through CITATION. How to cite? Type MLA format in google. It'd be too complicated to explain the MLA format in detail.

Now, you've got good ideas, but you need to combine your ideas and come up with a central thesis, just like a normal essay. You could say: According to this this this, the death penalty should be banned, and put up a bunch of paragraphs FULL OF CITATIONS and RELIABLE (preferably not wikipedia or other random websites) sources (don't forget the bibliography). You could also refute the counter argument, saying: Proponents of the death penalty have argued this this, but this this proves that they're wrong.

I think that you should research on research paper format (pun :)) so that you fully understand the requirements for a full-fledged MLA research. Good luck!

Undergraduate / Eliot's "Prufrock"; College essay on literature that changed me [5]


that's something typical of English. so even if you ARE mature, you won't measure it out with coffee spoons cuz...you're not English. In the same reasoning, even if you are immature, you could still measure it out with coffee spoons since that'd be your lifestyle. This is simply an allusion to Macbeth, I don't think that you quote it that appropriately. I'd suggest another passage.

btw, how old do you think prufrock is? he's actually only 35-45 range.


well the quote itself isn't grand. the entire story focuses on whether Prufrock'll ask that girl out. THAT'S IT!!! It's nothing great, if not for the hidden theme: To be or not to be. He's chosen to not be, a cowardly act. What would you choose?

overall, I think that you've got the style, but not the poem entirely. It's not as much about maturity and really making an impact on the world as simply facing moments of doubt, which could be as small as asking a girl out, and you've got to avoid Prufrock's cowardice and choose to be, to follow your heart and not care about what others speak of you.

Undergraduate / The importance of education - personal essay (TOPIC E) for UT transfer [3]


I. use I whenever you can.


definitely not


you've read crappy essays then


hmm...it is well focused in that you've got a central theme: education, but you try to fit your entire life in such a tiny space that it seems all over the place.

The essay has some grammar errors which I won't bother to correct. Just get an English teacher.

Now, on your comment of whether it's too personal, I'd say that it's not personal enough. You've got a bunch of details on your life, but not what you think of them.


It is this kind of personal thinking that you need. There's a bunch of stuff happening TO YOU, your parents supporting you, your friends supporting you...but not enough OF YOU, which is how you've reacted, what did you think of education, how do you view your parents' sacrifices, why were you all of a sudden interested in college.

Things to avoid:


Sure, different people have differen opinions of education. WHO CARES? This is your essay about you, and the reader wants to know you. Not other people, not your parents, not your friends. YOU. Therefore, I'd suggest that you completely devote the essay to your thoughts and your life. Sure, mention what your parents have done for you, but don't make that the bulk of your paragraph. Frankly, for every sentence you spend on your parents, you need 2 on your reaction and emotions.

Now, there are several ways to go about this prompt. My favorite is anecdotes. The most interesting fashion of answering to college prompts is to tell stories. What happened on the first day of school? What EVENT made you realize the importance of education? Was there 1 day that you saw your parents labor and simply wept because you were touched? Tell fragments of your life that led you to this epiphany.

College essays are supposed to be interesting to read; well written is only the prerequisite. A well written, but dry essay is worth less than nothing. If you really want to go to UT, tell your life story and make it real for the reader. There's no such thing as too personal. If you can make the reader life your life and at the end cry for you, you've gotten into UT.

Research Papers / Nuclear energy - I need help on research paper! [2]


it should be your thesis, and you should clearly say YES or NO.


no, the purpose of your intro is your thesis sentence that clearly explain the rest of your essay, and you can't wait till the end to say yes or no. It would be a very immature writing or narrative. Since you are doing neither, put your answer in the beginning.

Thesis
support
support
support
...
Repeat thesis in a different way.

If your body paragraphs follow that pattern, then it's right. Remember, always support and come back to your main thesis in the intro.

Oh, and a research paper is different from all others because you need to QUOTE!!! so find articles and CITE a bunch of stuff and you'll be good to go. Don't forget the bibliography and MLA format.

Undergraduate / "wait for my new test scores" - My letter of appeal to USF [2]

yea, before you send this out, definitely get a teacher to review grammar. It's deferred, not differed.


what do you mean by this? elaborating on why USF is so important to you is definitely more worthwhile than complaining about your senior year.


Maybe try to sound less like you're complaining. Sure, some people are simply horrible test takers, but that shouldn't be an excuse. I don't think that saying this will help you get sympathy from the admin.


lol why? The job loss was a legitimate "excuse", but this is NOT. You could instead say that you've tried to help your parents by searching for a job (idk if it's true), and that'll sound much better than "not sleeping well". Anxiety is part of the test, and if you succumb to that, it just means that you can't take pressure.


why? with two VERY low scores you should get denied. So why deferred? I'd suggest replacing very low by unsatisfactory


I have no idea what you mean by this. Spread the motto? how?


well then, why are you surprised of getting denied?

The overall tone of your essay sounds like you understand that you've failed, and you want a second chance, which isn't bad, but you said it in a way that makes you look bad. Instead, I'd appeal by highlighting your STRENGTHS, and explaining why you didn't do well on the standardized tests (while emphasizing that you are far more intelligent than the tests suggest b/c your grades or whatever), and end by saying that you've taken measures of getting higher scores, and that you guarantee that these new scores will be a much more accurate picture of your abilities. Remember, you want to make them go BACK on their decision, not CONFIRM it and then ask for a second chance.

Undergraduate / "education" is little more than an expensive isolation - essays for Stanford. [5]


"The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something."

- Randy Pausch, the Last Lecture.
always give a shot :D


Why mention four-year institution? Are you transferring from a school that takes less than 4 years?
Ah, I see, community college. I'd suggest then that you say: to Stanford, a top quality institution that would balance my education and the reality. After all, Stanford isn't any four-year institution.

I like the organization of your essay. You divided your essay in essentially 2 parts: real-life experience, and your own major. Then you tie both together. (you do have to be more precise in tying them together though. Just through internships? I mean, couldn't you give an example of a certain field of your major and explain what you could possibly get in Stanford, apart from the "unlimited resources", there's not such thing anyways, that'll allow you to get the experience needed?)

Mentioning Stanford, I have NO IDEA of why you want to go to Stanford. The only reason you've given that you want to transfer is real-life experience. Why couldn't you get that in a community college? And more importantly, WHY STANFORD? You could get internships in virtually ANY college, but why a top notch school like Stanford? You need to provide reasons other than internships and real life experience. I'd suggest you look up Stanford's website and actually go through their programs and tie that into your major.

As it is, this essay unfortunately won't help you in your quest to Stanford. In order to have an impact, you need to really convey why Stanford is different than any other four-year institution to you.

Undergraduate / Why I want to research Chemistry [3]

if you like science so much, why not bio? why not physics?

it seems to me that hiv and aids are medical problems, which is more related to bio/biochem than pure chemistry. So why chem?
and why AIDS? it's a rather odd topic to talk about. you've got cancer and all these, but why a sexual disease in particular?


is that all you've got? faith? is there any plan?

well, your essay feels like a typical answer to the prompt: why this major and why our school. I suggest a path that would link your own story to the major, like telling an episode of your life, an event, that made you realize your passion and please explain what you plan to do instead of saying: i BELIEVE that i'm gonna be great...it's pure arrogance.

Writing Feedback / Cool vs uncool - an argumentive definition essay [7]


well you're not trying to provoke argument, you're trying to persuade the reader that you're right; argumentative essays are really similar to persuasive ones (except minor differences), and you're definitely trying to come up with the strongest and most flawless argument possible, not leaving the reader perplex and doubt you. If so...then are you trying to accomplish in your essay? point out an "argument" that has logical fallacies?

Writing Feedback / Cool vs uncool - an argumentive definition essay [7]


lol that's a very very bold statement, especially the second half. So you suggest that ppl who follow rules lack self confidence?


lol your conclusion makes me smile :D so what about those ppl who think they're cool, but are in fact simply half assed jerks?

Undergraduate / Great interest into helping people, especially children, University of Michigan [8]

Glad that you didn't take my comments the wrong way. I wouldn't be wasting my time only to hurt your feelings ;)

The trick to college essays is to give up everything you've known, all the fancy 5 paragraphs, generalities, theories...and revert back to who you were say...5 years ago, the little kid who talks about her true feelings. Impress yourself and go beyond putting words on the paper. Be bold, and talk about what's deep in your heart. Do a introspection and pour your heart on the paper. It is then that you will be able to convince the reader that what's on that screen is who you are, and hopefully along the way that you are the perfect match (the second part is kinda guaranteed if you succeed at the first)

oh, i just realized a blatant mistake. by first paragraph in my comment, i actually meant the second, cuz i didn't take account of your intro. The second paragraph is what you want to expand and is the beginning of a real writing since the reader feels who you are through it. The third and fourth paragraphs, on the other hand, are vague and not as touching, especially the fourth.

Anyway, all this to say that anyone can write a great college essay, but being seniors, our minds are often too blocked by the fancy stuff we've learned the past four years. Stop trying to be the perfect candidate, just be yourself and your qualities will transpire.

God bless you as well. Good luck!

Undergraduate / neurological and social causes and treatments for anxiety disorder-UT Austin SOP [5]


lol not sure about that, i'd say the same for being an Asian, since we r an over represented minority.


if there's really no revelation time, then you should go the dream/vision way, which is to say that you've always wanted to go to that school and stuff...either way, you've gotta show you want to go there, especially after having applied there once already.

beware, DO NOT say anything bad about your current school, don't compare programs. it'll just make you look bad.

Undergraduate / neurological and social causes and treatments for anxiety disorder-UT Austin SOP [5]

here's my question: why ut austin? why transfer?
I believe that in the case of transfer, the admin wants to know as much about the reason of your transfer as who you are as a person, therefore, I'd suggest a combination of both your moment of revelation and your interests, you can hardly talk about one without the other anyways, since you are dealing with a transfer after all.

if you can't think about the moment of revelation, why did you want to transfer? it's always hard to go to a new environment, so what made you think ut was worth it? it had to be more than the programs, or you'd prob have applied there in the first place; programs are good everywhere, so why ut austin?

answer this question, talk about yourself, and you'd be just fine.

Undergraduate / Great interest into helping people, especially children, University of Michigan [8]


year-old


his parents were. Family is singular.


take the comma before who.
and I don't get how this sentence supports your point. I'd suggest taking this out to avoid distractions, at least the "repeated everything we said..." since this doesn't actually show curiosity. Or finding a better example


Spending time with Joshua broadened my understanding about children; in order to grasp what he was trying to convey through often intelligible phrases, I (try to keep it personal, even if you are trying to give a general concept) needed to observe and listen to him carefully and patiently.


, but also because I love math, an inherent part of pediatrics (then you could start by explaining how exactly math is part of pediatrics)


say what? i thought you were talking about math, unless by math, you mean chem...and the grade comment, out of the blue...


haha, back to math. you have a very...peculiar sense of logic


try to not say this. anything can widen your perspective of...the world. this is just another bleh just to add words


your last paragraph is basically a social studies lesson that tells the admin of a college: here's how America needs to forge its next generation...sounds too altruistic? arrogant? IMpersonal?

You've got a very nice beginning, and a shaky, but could be improved second paragraph...but the last one is just a bunch of junk that can be spurt out by anyone. key word here? ANYONE. you've got to understand in the little time you have left that college essays need to be about you and YOU ONLY. don't incorporate some world level philosophy that tells absolutely nothing about you.

How to solve the problems? be more focused in the second paragraph, and actually develop on your interest of math, of chemistry, and how these tie into your major. To make it longer, you could talk about how you came to realize, through a story once again, that these interests you've got all along made you realize that pediatrics is perfect for you. oh, and please take out the last paragraph. Instead, talk about some of the plans you have for the future. BE REALISTIC and actually have a plan, not just say: i'll graduate and...find a job...and... OR i'll build a hospital... talk about your ultimate goal and how you plan to at least achieve part of it.

good luck.

Undergraduate / Great interest into helping people, especially children, University of Michigan [8]

I don't understand the purpose of the first paragraph, and I don't think that you need it there. It's generic and you should generally avoid saying things like "we should do this this" or "we have tendency to think this way". You only have 250 words, be personal!


That'd be a much better start of your essay.


there's absolutely no transition here. You put 1 sentence out there about helping people, and move on to math and LEARNING? never EVER put learning as a passion, it's like saying "I like bleh..."

now, you need to develop on the idea of helping people. Don't start talking about something, then immediately going off about somethign else. I suggest that you spend at least 1 paragraph on a SPECIFIC and PERSONAL example about helping people/kids.


where does that come from? You just mentioned math/bleh, now it's bio and chem? come on, have some focus!

Your third paragraph is definitely out of place, it should've been right after you said: I like to help people. It's still very broad. You talk about how you are


, yet I can say the same thing and it wouldn't matter at ALL. You can't just say good things about yourself without ANY sort of support. It's like writing a research paper solely based on hypothesis and conjecture, without experimentation/actual data to back it up.

I'd suggest you structuring your essay this way:
find your focus, do you want to talk about kids? If so, try to tie your major to it. Math/science? works 2. CHOOSE 1 out of these 2. you've only got 250 words, no time to go back and forth.

1st paragraph: come up with an interesting intro. the beginning of a story for example. college essays should be personal stories that respond to the prompt, not scattered theses all over the place.

2nd paragraph: using that story or short anecdote, link your interest to that. For instance, you could talk about the emotions you felt on the podium after winning a bio/chem contest in the first paragraph, and in depth about how you've come to like the subject, and what part of it you like (don't get technical here). you need to keep the reader interested by telling a story, not showing off the bit of knowledge you know about these subjects, or worse, mention them in a general way that could be done by ANYONE. remember, you are 1 out of 1000, stand out!

3rd paragraph: conclude. If you don't have space left, don't. a conclusion is unnecessary, but if you feel like it, do it.

overall, if you wish to have an essay that actually will help you, rewrite it in a much more personal way. The reader wants to know about you, and it's not through mentioning your interests, which are very typical of Asians anyway, that'll pull you through.

Undergraduate / UM, Book that has made impact on you: Victor Wooten (The Music Lesson) [16]


That is always a hassle, just like to be "politically correct", we have to use he/she and guys/gals (although i've never been bothered to call a group of girls "guys").

So here's my question. Since babies are human, should a person with unknown gender be called "it"? Instead of saying he/she, should we call mr. X/mrs. Y it for the sake of simplification?

Undergraduate / 'memorabilia items' - Why is the University of Chicago a good match for me? [8]


i thought it was brilliant also. after all, that's how he got in

Undergraduate / UM, Book that has made impact on you: Victor Wooten (The Music Lesson) [16]


in ender's game, the brother keeps calling him bugger lol. I guess that guys are less likely to get offended than girls, who go "whoo" and "ahhh" and "sooo cute" every time they see a baby lol.

but kevin, you're exactly right in that i was more discussing style in this SPECIFIC case of baby. I still believe that grammatically, you can't replace a human being by "it".

Just thought of an interesting question. Using "it" dehumanizes baby, so does the use of "it" in such a way supports/promotes abortion? (since a big part of the abortion argument is the humanity of the baby, or the fetus) this question is pretty random, but i'm curious on whether it could be seen that way.

Undergraduate / UM, Book that has made impact on you: Victor Wooten (The Music Lesson) [16]


you're right, but if you read the examples, they don't directly make reference to the baby or person. "It's John" is ok, but not to replace John by "it". I see the dilemma, but I don't think that the definition meant to replace the human. I believe that to be safe and to avoid the possibility of offending the reader by dehumanizing babies (some might be very sensitive to those kind of things, I personally wouldn't care if I was the reader) you should use a more appropriate pronoun. I simply pointed this matter out so that your wonderful essay will not be negatively viewed upon because of such a small issue.

Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [103]


oh, i see. It's unfair, but I'd not complain if I were the one receiving the benefits, which is DEFINITELY not the case. The entire college process is skewed this way since colleges favor not just a little URM (under represented minorities) which unfortunately doesn't include the so called "Asians". It's insulting to native indians, blacks, and hispanics, but they benefit so...


lol i just talked about THE SAME THING you did in another thread a few weeks ago. My argument the other day was that immigrants, because they have to learn a whole new language, master the grammar better than some of the native speakers who don't really care about syntax and stuff when they speak. I totally agree with you in that SAT helps improving English; actually, that's how I overcame most of my writing quirks, but since it's still a foreign language, I have yet to perfect my grammar.

Undergraduate / UM, Book that has made impact on you: Victor Wooten (The Music Lesson) [16]

Oh, it is for NOT for humans, that's for sure. You can't say: this person did this, it blabla. instead, it's this person did this, he/she blabla (to be politically correct)

dictionary.reference.com/browse/it

If you look carefully at the examples, NONE replaces a PERSON with the pronoun it. It's ok to say "It's John", but not to say "It did this this this" to replace John. The pronoun "it" was created for and only for inanimate/nonhuman things.

Undergraduate / UM, Book that has made impact on you: Victor Wooten (The Music Lesson) [16]


I'm not sure what you mean by this. Are you talking about the deadline question? Shouldn't you know whether you are submitting this LATE or not?

Graduate / applying Compute Integrated Manufacturing (Asia University) [6]


I had to learn


what kind of assignments and projects?

Also, take out the "had to" and say: "I learned, or I did". This way, it doesn't make you sound like you HAD to do it without any choice.


what meant additional work? school lessons? how is that additional work?


I had to help System study and program design and I became very interested in those disciplines.


at XXX university, avoid using your's

I think that you should parse your essay into paragraphs, so that it doesn't read like a huge paragraph. Have an intro and a thesis that tells the reader what you're going to talk about. Overall, I think it's a pretty good graduate essay, considering English isn't your first language.

Undergraduate / UM, Book that has made impact on you: Victor Wooten (The Music Lesson) [16]


a baby isn't an animal, so can't use "it" here

Is it too long? no, it's quite a novel way of structuring and I do praise you for that.

However, I do have to point out that this essay doesn't completely answer the prompt, which is


and


Although you say that the book taught you something, you didn't emphasize on how the book impacted you or how the book was ESPECIALLY challenging, stimulating, or provocative. Honestly, I don't think that the admin cares about what you got out of the book didactically, but more emotionally.

Also, the goal of writing this essay, as well as all others, is to convince the reader that you are the perfect candidate, and you can only do that through hinting subtlety at your skills and strengths of character. In this essay, the reader doesn't really see what strengths you have, except perhaps music, and a bit of psychology. Although you write beautifully, I am not particularly impressed with you as a person from the little you told in your essay. (not an offense, but simply pointing out what this essay is lacking)

Furthermore, the essay is a bit distracting because you switch drastically your thesis, and even now I don't get what your main topic sentence is. You started off talking about music, but then switches to some baby/psych stuff. I think that you ought to put some thesis in your "intro" and start right off with your main idea instead of waiting till the middle since that could confuse the reader.

btw, hasn't the deadline passed?

Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [103]

chinese obviously and french. go canada :D

Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [103]


haha, perhaps you didn't quote in MLA?


hey same here, high five!

i think I get what QiMin's trying to say. "Failure" doesn't mean actually failing, but compared to a math class where you can easily get an A+, an A- in certain english classes means death...at least for me. I don't ever remember getting above A- or writing an 9 on an AP prompt, although by some miracle i managed a 5 on the AP language exam.

Envie, I do disagree with


Chinese people traditionally get a lower grade NOT because of race, but because we are not used to the language, being immigrants, and simply don't get some of the nuances in English, which are essential in writing good analysis. Also, my teacher pointed out that I have some writing quirks particular to "immigrants", such as wrong prepositions like "different to" instead of "different from". These are correctable by studying for SAT, but I still struggle with them sometimes.

My point is that teachers are generally fair, and if they give lower grades on essays, that's not cuz of race or anything, but because of writing skills. Most people in my class gets the same grade as me, which means that I, and I would dare to speak for some of my other counterparts, am simply not as good in writing as in math, but so what? I'm still young and have ample time to improve :D

Graduate / MBA Essay on Leadership through mentorship [4]


haha that's not true! i'm not trying to instigate argument for the sake of it. I simply believe that every essay can become better, so I'm simply pointing out things that I think would strengthen the essay lol. If the reader shares my opinion, wouldn't this essay be a lot stronger?

Undergraduate / 'memorabilia items' - Why is the University of Chicago a good match for me? [8]

actually, gerry, the length might not matter, since you surely have heard of the essay that the Dean sent out for this topic that is a pretty huge controversy.

Here's the link to the essay: talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-essays/834970-should-u-chi cagos-admissions-dean-have-sent-essay-around-am-i-too-strict.html

It's quite long, so I guess that originality tops reading the instruction!

Scholarship / Medea from Jason and the Argonauts, Essay on One of the Mythological Characters [10]


haha don't say that. I highly doubt that I (i'll only speak for myself, if you know what i mean), an immigrant who came here only 2 years ago, am "qualified" to criticize many of the people who write a lot better than me. You story telling skills, for instance, is far far superior than my own. However, I don't think that this has prevented me from helping others because you really don't have to be a better writer to criticize others' essays. It's more about a different perspective and the expertise that only YOU have.

As I said, becoming a contributor doesn't make you superior; therefore, you don't have to be superior to become a contributor.

Undergraduate / Auto-biography and serious advice [25]


lol, that's so...little. We have to pay from like 45-80 for an application, depending on the level of the school
Also, for those AP exams i was talking about, we have to pay 86!!! i took 7 last year, so i payed 602 for all my tests...


i know, it's cheesy (hahaha, word play)


if your resume/your life is as varied as you put it in your essay, you'll get in for sure. Unless they are just blind people


yea, well for me it's over lol, good life!

well, yea, lemme know just post something here if you can. but we both know what the decision will be XD

Undergraduate / College teachers are not all the same. [7]

sry, i was trying something, but it failed.

Undergraduate / Auto-biography and serious advice [25]


2 things here. AP should be different cuz here, it's like classes. There's no program you go to for 24/7 where you just do AP, but rather they are high leveled classes you can choose to take.

Also, they're bullshitting as far as i'm concerned. colleges don't really go through the efforts of "boxing" IB programs and putting them separately cuz they're superior...that's purely for marketing purpose. Well...it depends on what kind of college, but i can assure you that where you want to go (assuming it's somewhere good) won't do that. good colleges are WAYYYYY too pretentious to care about IB programs, plus, it'd be like...a huge box.

yea...programs are like businesses, and the info night people are like salesmen...THEY LIE

I think your ideas are good, so I'll just point out every repetition you've got.






Above are things that you either need to take out, or merge with the next/previous sentence.


eight so that


look up.


found the workload


i think i said this already, when you only have 2 elements, you don't put a comma before and


sports and joined...same prob


hmm...i missed this, but it's unnecessary.


btw, it's FOUR


so everyone


Since I hated being underestimated by others, I decided to try my hardest to gain their respect.
Although I was not a great player...


kill these


I became a strong player and earned the MIA (what you had) and MVP. Basketball taught me to persist and do my best even when odds are against me.


idk, i'd leave this out simply cuz the fact that you're creative doesn't mean that you have to be a fan of art


This year, I realized my passion for Theater Arts and hoped to join...btw it depends on your preference but i'd use theater since it's an english word as opposed to its french version.


this entire paragraph feels...weird. it's like you're simply trying to add stuff to sound more diverse and passionate. I prefer quality over quantity, so since you don't actually have anything to say about those activities, i'd suggest dropping it or integrate, very concisely, into your conclusion. Like say: I also participate in many other activities such as blabla and blabla. All these passions of mine culminated into the forming of a girl who is motivated to learn and try new things. I hope that with blabla, I'll contribute... add another or 2 sentences for your conclusion to sum it up. This way, I feel that your conclusion can be less...frivolous and more concise.

btw, this thread is out of place. that's why i misunderstood you for a senior at the beginning.

Undergraduate / College teachers are not all the same. [7]


sometimes, teachers don't tell you everything you did wrong...it's kinda like a first impression; they can't say that don't like your essay because...they just don't like it, but the impression and the "hidden" factors will make them grade a bit differently.


i wouldn't say coherence...maybe it lacks refinement and it's honestly (no offense) childish, but it's logical for the most part.
now, remind me again, is this an esl class or are you still learning english? there's ABSOLUTELY no irony or sarcasm intended, but if you are learning english, then the style flaws would be perfectly understandable.


for your essay, yes. You have some comma splice mistakes such as


you've got this new subject, my English teacher, so you can't separate it with a comma. It's gotta be a semi-colon or period before that.

actually, it would be better if you said "understanding the concept of collocation", i'd see where the coherence part MIGHT come into play


exaggerating...no. but it does highlight what i was talking about earlier on the impression factors. Teachers don't like students judging them, so they'd think that everything you wrote about it is unnecessary


not sure what you mean here. won't ask revision from any teacher?

but i definitely agree with you on the part that teachers, in any subject as a matter of fact, should instill love of that subject in students. unfortunately we don't find those teachers too often. Btw, you're in college right?

oh, btw, if i were to complain about my stats teacher vs my math teacher, I'd basically copy paste your essay. just a comment lol.

Undergraduate / Auto-biography and serious advice [25]

ok, i completely don't get the psychic part with the rest of the terrible teacher story...my guess would be psychic part's for college, then the rest's a digression?


how does that happen?


lol i wouldn't do that! i'd just tell him in his face lol


That, you're wrong. We are all in the same box, you know why? cuz we all got the same stuff lol. Chinese/pacific asian = AP, honors, IB, whatever you call those


haha, we already have *blink*


true, so you want to stay in canada? if so, then why bother with the IB crap? just go to Mcgill or U Toronto or something.


还记得中文么？well, if you came here at the age of what? 8? it'd be surprising if you've got any Chinese left...unless you have a freakish liking of books (i still looove chinese books) and your mom doesn't speak any other language (or very poorly)...like me lol :D

Scholarship / Medea from Jason and the Argonauts, Essay on One of the Mythological Characters [10]

rapoch
lol, funny, you've got 2 last names?

Envie
he's a MODERATOR, which is a self explanatory term. He's "recruiting" you cuz he sees you have very strong writing abilities and would love that you join our ranks. Contributors are nothing more than students/nice people who are dedicated in helping others, so becoming a contributor will (hopefully) make you edit more people's essays.

At least, that's how I saw it.

Undergraduate / Auto-biography and serious advice [25]


only 2? lol here there's 1 per almost every school. Personally, i favor schools with AP (advance placement)

so are you aiming at a school in US?


haha, you could be the guy who had a baby lol

vancouver, city of the Chinese lol. I lived in Montreal, the exact opposite side come to think of it. How'd you learn french? vancouver doesn't enforce french right?

ah, so you do have AP programs...does the AP exam come with it? lol i love those...except for the prices haha. you should take AP...simply they're more awesome and they actually have standardized testing that doesn't make everyone look smart.

well IB's cool too. I don't exactly know the system you abide by, nor how IB works (although i know people in IB...who def. shouldn't be, but the AP exam shows who shouldn't be in AP, which is awesome in my humble opinion) so i can't judge (i've done enough of that right? haha)