Undergraduate / College teachers are not all the same. [7]

abd85
may I point out that this is in the wrong forum?

though i'm not an english teacher...far from it, i'd still like to give my opinion, if you don't mind.

well, if your teacher's dr. sarah smith, you deserved to fail.
if your teacher's john miles...it's still not a surprise that you failed
if your teacher's none of the above...i see every reason why he/she's failed you.

think about it, would you give a student a high mark for an essay that insults one of your own colleagues?

COME ON! you never ever name teacher names in essays; generalization is an art. Judging specific teachers will get you absolutely nowhere since you 1.don't have the credibility to judge an established professor, 2.your teacher is probably laughing with the person you judged right now, and you've made yourself 1 more enemy.

Now, the essay itself isn't that bad. It's analytical, although rather childish, and has good syntax and grammar.

again, what killed you is naming the teachers and judging them negatively-or actually, judging them at all!

Undergraduate / 'memorabilia items' - Why is the University of Chicago a good match for me? [8]


lol yea. maybe going for late?


haha, isn't that everyone's "preference"?

oh, btw, this essay is supposed to be 2 paragraphs, not 3, so make it short.

Also, you have some good details, but watch out for syntax, you might wanna get an english teacher to check it.

Finally, I personally didn't care about this prompt much, and I highlighted in a rather concise essay some of the main elements of the school, like scav hunt, econ dept...you have to understand that this school's very creative and ridiculously "nerdy", so try targeting your answer in that area. don't spend too much time on this tho, the biggie is honestly the 5 choice long essay. That's really what you need to do well on to get in. trust me, i've gone thru it.

Undergraduate / "Dr. Martin's Lectures" -Essay about someone who has made an impact on your life [6]

lol, it's not what i meant, but that'll do.

em...maybe this essay sounds better when it's paragraphed, but as it is, it lacks a central element that defines a good college app essay: YOU.

feel free to disagree with me, but the only part that you actually tell the reader who you are through your thoughts is in the last 2 sentences, when you talk about your reaction to the symposium...and of course in the introduction where you talk about the things you've heard...which unfortunately doesn't have much to do with your thesis, which is essentially how dr. martin impacted you.

A lot of fellow students misunderstand this prompt and spend all their time talking about the "someone". However, this prompt isn't asking you to talk about a person other than you; in fact, the admin won't care about how great or what that person has done, but how you are impacted by it and why you would be a good fit for that school.

Therefore, I'd suggest you shortening your intro and start with Martin's lecture, then spend the rest, the BIG chunk of the essay on your reactions on it. keep in mind that you are trying to prove that you are the perfect candidate for that school, so make sure that you show insight and highlight your qualities. intertwining the whole thing with your background would be pretty cool too.

Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [103]

haha, i wish i had an english teacher who is "only human". My 10th grade english is a graduate from Harvard, and my english teacher now is...a self considered genius (not saying he's not, but if he is AS smart as he thinks he is, then he should consider doing bigger things, like writing a book or something).

they're of course, both arrogant to some extent, and aren't shy about it. This isn't anything bad and I'm not complaining about it (in fact, I'm even glad that I have such teachers since they both helped me tremendously), but I just think it's funny how different english teachers can be.

Undergraduate / U Michigan-Academic interest. Why Psychology? [9]


no, just change the pursuit of happiness part. Putting people's life back on track doesn't mean allowing them to resume their pursuit of happiness, since not everyone's pursuing happiness, or if you actually think that that's everyone's ultimate goal, then you'd have to explain and it's an entire hassle to prove such theory.


ah, i see. OH, that's right, we had to do 1 short one and 1or2 long ones right? It's been awhile since I did my umich app. the word length is perfect then.


I realized - when and soon don't go together.


Sry, I don't know why I suggested infinitive, but "to love observing...and analyzing" sounds a lot less awkward.


something universal that would heal. This way, the "something" becomes a subject, which puts emphasis on it i think.


lol almost missed it. great addition :)


I'd say "I wish to be xxxx, the protagonist in the story, (this way, you don't have to repeat the book's name) who is able to (better than "can") notice someone (idk, i just like to use someone haha)'s suffering and make that person (politically correct :D) feel loved, ..."

overall, much clearer essay, and almost ready for submission! (i say almost because you should get an english teacher or your advisor to check it one last time for grammar and syntax before submitting it) I personally don't see anymore mistakes, and I think that it's very well written. Job well done!

Undergraduate / Auto-biography and serious advice [25]

A canadian trying to get in the IB program...hmm...i see why it would be a challenge. Here, students in some public schools just get in the program if they took some honors classes or such, which makes the program really really easy to get in. Btw, what part of Canada do you live in?


lol i'm nothing but a frustrated 12th grade finding ways to write essays that would help me in the stupid and impersonal college selection process

haha, you sound like a very enthusiastic girl (please don't tell me you're a guy :P), which is a great thing :). I wish you the best of luck on your provincials (i'm so glad that i missed those by 1 year lol) and I enjoyed editing your essays. I'll gladly check your final version.

Bonne chance!

Undergraduate / Auto-biography and serious advice [25]

Oh, lol i completely missed my target.

Sry, keep doing what you were doing. My advices--if you could really call them that, since they are completely useless to a sophomore--are misplaced and I apologize for that.

Yea, i recommend you going back your first way and just write like that. I mean, it should be enough for a simple IB program. You'll have enough time to develop an unique style when you get to senior year.

sry for wasting ur time lol, your first draft, with minor corrections, are good for a sophomore and whatever you need to get in with that.

hahahahaha man i was dumb :D

oh, btw, have you taken the SAT yet? well your approach is the standard one and definitely applicable on the essay you have to write for that test.

Undergraduate / Auto-biography and serious advice [25]


true, but realize that you shouldn't be restrained by the fact that normal biographies list things (they really don't). Biographies tell stories, and that's ultimately what they're trying to find out about, your story. Yet, realize that your goal isn't anything else but to convince them that you will be a good choice, and one of the way of doing so is revolve everything in your life around 1 quality that you possess, that you think will be a big plus in their decision. For instance, many people suicide in college. Why? cuz they don't have the persistence, or the will of going on. Therefore, showing this will be a plus.

I'm not saying that you should take away all your interest and focus on 1 subject. I meant, and believe said, that you need a central theme to TIE all your interests together. So it's answering perfectly the prompt, just in a much more interesting fashion.


hahaha, I think you've made a mistake. That outline was...my own essay before I rewrote it. Surprising isn't it? You've got hundreds of students out there who have the same profile as you and me, same background, same grades, same EVERYTHING...except ideas. How do you make a difference then? Through the essays, and that's why essays are so important and so...hard to write. Try to be unique, don't get stuck in the pattern of writing SAT's and school work. College essays should really be who you are, and an unique style is just as important as the contents.

Hope that this discussion helps. How do I know this stuff? My English teacher, graduate from Harvard (I'm only saying this for credibility) opened my eyes and made me realize that my background isn't special, unless I make a story out of it. The essay I've written was pretty much listing the stuff I've done, not what I felt or how I reacted toward these immigrations. What ultimately differentiate you from me is how we react differently to the same event, and that's what you need to show in your essay.

1 more thing. Is IB the same as I'm thinking of? Are you applying to college, or to a HS program?

Undergraduate / U Michigan-Academic interest. Why Psychology? [9]


this to.


it

I'm confused about your time line here. You said that when you were 16, you had that night with your friend. you However, you also say that at THAT time, had this false philosophy. But right after, you say that it didn't take long to realize that it was false, since you had that night with your friend.

So were you having the false philosophy at that night? or before, but that night made you realize that you were wrong?
obviously, it's the second one, so I'd rephrase your first paragraph a bit. (don't change the first sentence, just straighten up the time thing)


passion of what? you're writing a whole new essay here, not the old one anymore.


I began to love


to observe...and to analyze


I yearned to learn something universal... learn more here is vague and could be taken out, since you're immediately explaining it


If you put "passion for psychology", you don't even need this sentence.


you want to make sure that the reader understand that's what the poem is about. Or else you'd have to explain why you made that analogy


I hope to be someday
unless pursuit of happiness means feeling loved, welcomed, and worthy, I don't get why it's here. If it for some reason makes sense in your head, I'll no longer bring this to notice.

hmm...overall this is definitely a stronger essay, at least it's clearer and more understandable.

Is this long enough? I thought that these essay have to be around 500 words, in which case a minimum of 350 at least is required in my humble opinion.

If you need to add anything, I'd suggest talking more about you. In the sense that you talked plenty about your dreams/major, your friend, but not enough about the impact of the story on you.

The only impact it had seems to be that you feel helpless. But isn't it still quite a long way from feeling helpless and trying to help? Why exactly did you get inspired?

Undergraduate / Auto-biography and serious advice [25]


haha, you really need to get in the habit of writing myself instead of my self


Knowledge

yea, it feels out of order, take it out
However, I really feel that you should add more about YOU in that paragraph. It feels like you talk a lot about your mother, which is good, but adding more of how that impacted you would make it even better.

again, the link between paragraphs are missing. Sorry for the glue thing, I know realize that it wasn't what's missing.

Try to think about it this way. The ideals you've got in the first paragraph needs to be transported into the second one, and the second to the third one, and the third to fourth one. What you're doing here is:

first paragraph: mom works hard, sacrifice
second: mom tells me stories, continue to talk about stories, WITHOUT anymore of the main themes in your first paragraph, so no working hard, no sacrifice.

third: when I'm not reading, I'm doing hw. That's all the link there is to the second paragraph. no more of the stuff in your second paragraph

...

Now, I see the weakness in your essay because I've written one that has a similar mistake.
intro: talk about things I learned from China, Canada, and US. (very weak btw, I realized later)
first paragraph: I got good work ethics from China
2nd paragraph: I learned French in Canada, and overcame troubles such as loneliness
3rd paragraph: US was the ultimate sharpening stone, furthered my skills in everything
conclusion: I learned many things from these cultures, not just languages. Therefore, that's what I'll contribute to the school.

See the problem in this structure? Apart from the intro that links the paragraphs, there's not real substance that makes this an essay. I mean, each paragraph could be separately written and it would make sense, which is TOTALLY BAD because you don't want your essay to be read separately; if this happens, then you're giving the reader plenty of chance to drop your essay and move on right?

What's the solution to this problem? FIND A MAIN THEME. You can talk about your mother, sports, reading, academics. THere's nothing wrong with choosing multiple SUBJECTS to talk about. However, YOU NEED TO HAVE A MAIN THESIS. What is one thing you've learned through everything you have done? I mean, there's gotta be 1 thing, whether it is perseverance, or something else, that you've learned in your life right? And once you find that something, write your entire story around it.

For instance, if you choose say perseverance.
Your mother would be the inspiration to your perseverance. Your mini school would obviously be an example. Try to tie sports and academics/reading (i'd combine these) to this idea of constantly overcoming problems and never giving up.

Hope that helps, there's still quite a lot of work ahead, but I believe that the result will be a gem.

Undergraduate / "Dr. Martin's Lectures" -Essay about someone who has made an impact on your life [6]

Why is this formatted like this?

could you please post it in a clearer format and skip lines for paragraphs because I really really can't read this. Sorry.

Undergraduate / Wash U St. Louis - University Scholars Program in Medicine essay [5]


yea, don't

well, I thought that because you emphasize that you really liked to care about people on a very daily basis and physical level, like doing things for them and helping them do things they couldn't by themselves, which is very like nursing.

However, I totally understand that for a high school senior, you prob won't have a bunch of research papers and experience in doctor duties, so your essay is perfectly fine the way it is. You've shown enough interest in medicine and most importantly, a heart to help, and that's really what the school's looking for. After all, you don't really have to declare a major until second year, so they won't care so much about what exact major you're aiming at.

Undergraduate / Auto-biography and serious advice [25]


lol, just another HS senior who's tired of writing "perfect" essays that'll be read in about 20 sec :P


you've got to correct this. it's myself


avoid passive tense if you can put it in active. this will make your story more impactful and fast paced


again, you've really GOT to correct these. herself. I'll stop finding these mistakes from now on


no need for comma here


nor here


She worked in so many late hour jobs (in order to support our family and my education maybe?).


again, watch your commas. If you only have 2 things linked by "and", you don't put comma before and.


but instead she chose to move to Canada, for my sake.


this is out of place and sounds childish. You've started to build emotions until now, but this sentence RUINS the momentum


She kept reminding me to learn as much as I could because as she puts it: "knowledge is infinite power" (cliche, I'd suggest asking her and put what she says, preferably in bad English :P to make it sound real, but that's just my preference)

yea, so far so good. The mother paragraph is very real and an essential element of your life, and the reader gets a lot of insight in your situation. The only thing that you might considering adding (again, I'm not sure you should, but think about it) is how the things your mom taught you helped you to succeed in school. For example:

...my own goals. Seeing how hard my mom works everyday truly moved me and pushed me to try my hardest in school to learn English and other subjects. then continue with your last sentence.


WHERE IS THE TRANSITION? Sorry for the caps, but I'm really frustrated here. You've got ALL this good stuff previously with the mom and you build tremendous momentum, but suddenly, you give this...no warning whatsoever. The end of a paragraph DOESN'T mean the end of an essay. It's a constant flow, and the link between paragraphs, the carrying of emotions and all the good stuff from one paragraph to another is beyond essential to a captivating essay. You've GOT to master the transition skill.

oh, and something that might shock you, the reader can put down your essay at ANY TIME. think about this. I'm the admin, it's friday night, and I WANT TO GO HOME. I pick up this last essay and I read...intro, ok, first pargraph...mother...hmm...that's good, she seems to have had a tough life, but she went through (mental check)...sports? what? when did this happen? where? WHAT? (mental XXXX) ok...keep going about sports...nothing more interesting...puts down essay.

See where I'm going at? You need to capture the reader every sentence of your essay and don't give him or her the chance to doubt you or drop your essay.

alright, after skimming over the rest, you've got 0 link between paragraphs. How exactly do you move from mother to sport, sport to reading, and reading to...academics? minischool?

now, the only paragraph that is GOOD is the first one, frankly. Don't be discouraged or ashamed or anything. It's NORMAL that you don't get this right away, but it's GREAT that you understood what a good essay requires in at least 1 paragraph. Try modeling the rest of your essay based on your first body paragraph and think about making the reader cry, that's your goal.

oh, and please please don't put paragraphs together and think that they'll stick. you need to use glue.

Undergraduate / Wash U St. Louis - University Scholars Program in Medicine essay [5]

Good job! This is very nicely written and answers the question perfectly.

However, I do like to point out that you have a rather strange way of paragraphing. You don't have an intro or conclusion right? There's nothing wrong with it if that's what you want to do with your essay.

About your question on the page thing, it's really not a big deal as long as in single-spaced form you do not exceed say, 1 and 1/3 of a page.

Oh, one last comment, from your last sentence and the rest of your essay, you seem to be more aiming for a nursing career than becoming a doctor, am I completely off track?

Undergraduate / Auto-biography and serious advice [25]

The idea is right, you want to go in depth about 1 specific challenge and how you psychologically and physically overcame it.

The way of telling the story, however, could be improved. Your sentences are still kind of scattered, like:


followed by


Instead, you could merge these two ideas and make your text flow better:
I was quite a big procrastinator for a while, until I began to use an agenda and planned minutely everything I would be doing during the day.


I would finish homework in one subject, eat dinner, then move on to another subject.


or do anything fun, but after a few week of careful time management...


Since this is your conclusion of this paragraph, I would literally tell the reader that this is what you got out of your experience.
As a result of this experience, my organization skills tremendously improved and I became a much more efficient person. (learned from my mistakes isn't quite as strong here)

The rest isn't necessary. It distracts the reader since you've already covered that you were doing well after having an agenda.

well, this is good stuff. You could make it better tho by merging your sentences and try to make your essay flow smoother.
if you've got 2 more paragraph like this, I think it would be a much stronger essay and would make an actual impact on the reader, rather than listing every activity you've done.

Undergraduate / A businesswoman-to-be: GWU Supplement Essay: What attracted you to GWU? [3]


because my late grandfather was buried in SNC because of his service in Korean War (I feel that an active tone would be more powerful)


I get that you want to show your research, but I wouldn't go so far as to list the number, than to say that it's ranked highly. You don't know whether the school takes this number with pride or not. They might absolutely hate the ranking NW gives them since they could get higher ones elsewhere


I feel that present tense here would be more vivid, like "instills in me..."
also, fears of excitement? I don't think it's a valid combination, plus apprehension is already fear. I'd say "excitement and apprehension (for the unknown, to be cheesy).


Did you ever talk about studying abroad? If you don't want to explain this, I'd suggest dropping it.


Compared to your last sentence, this seems to be a very week finish. I'd suggest coming up with a stronger, at least more specific, description of what you hope to become through GWU education.

Overall, not much to critique upon, but there are certain elements you should change, even if it's right before deadline, in order to make your essay stronger.

good luck!

Undergraduate / Auto-biography and serious advice [25]


no need for comma here


Since there is a big workload starting at first grade in China, I developed a strict self-discipline at a young age.


There's a lack of transition here. You just said that self discipline is a must, but suddenly switch to begging your parents for a piano? Try coming up with a transition that would link the idea of school to music, to do that you'd probably change the "begging my parents" part

E.G: outside school work, I also took piano lessons, a combination that almost brought to tears sometimes. When I overcame the obstacles, however, the feeling of accomplishment made all the effort worthwhile.


try to avoid short and scattered sentences. These make you sound unsophisticated if you know what I mean.
A few years later (It's better to say exactly when, like at the age of 8 or something) my family moved to Canada, a drastically different country from China.

Also, the English part is out of place, we'll see where we can put it later.


hmm...standard mistake, it's like in SAT lol. Who's they?

... ...

Alright, this essay sounds like the first draft, except structured in a different way.
What I was suggesting is what you did in paragraph 5, except more in depth. How exactly did you overcome your problems? You almost failed, but how did you finally succeed EMOTIONALLY and PSYCHOLOGICALLY?

You need an essay that truly go in depth about a few things, not just naming what you did. This draft is better than the previous one in that you drop out a lot of completely useless comments, but still your attention is way too scattered. You try to cover every aspect of your life, yet that's not how a good auto-biography should work. You need to talk about things that are truly meaningful to you and write things that can touch the reader.

The admin needs to feel sympathy for you or feel that you are a really strong person psychologically and that you will succeed. Think about it this way. Nothing you do will impress them honestly. All the stuff you put on, how you moved, how you learned english, how you did all these things, are standard package. How do I know? I pretty much went through the same thing. Therefore, what truly separates you from the other candidates?

It's the way you think, the way you react to problems, NOT how many clubs or sports you have done. The reader is honestly more interested about how you met a problem and solved it, and what was going on in your mind when you did that, or why did you not fail when the odds were against you. Therefore, you need to put emotions in your essay and convince the reader that you are a great candidate for the school. Again, you can't show this by simply listing facts and hope that the reader will be overwhelmed by the number of things you did, because he/she won't.

My suggestions are the same I had previously. Focus on 2 or 3 elements of your life (SPECIFIC ELEMENTS, like piano, math, badminton) and tell STORIES about these things. Instead of "I was good and got this and this." You need to say: "at first, I was discriminated against and blabla, but through my efforts and blabla, I succeeded in winning my team's respect and we won multiple tournaments together blabla. Through this experience, I learned to be persistent and blabla" You need to SHOW the reader your qualities, not list them.

Undergraduate / "Social Science Department (Economics) - academic or intellectual curiosities? [8]


you're the one looking right? so your subject needs to be "I", not poor economy

at a quick glance, your essay seems well written, but too heavy with theory. I also aim at an economics major, but frankly, the information you provide in this essay are wayyyy too specialized. It's not bad, but I doubt the one reading your essay will be an economic major.

More importantly, it's not personal enough. Sure, big ideas are nice and it's great to know that you understand economics, but the reader doesn't understand YOU as a person. You need not to provide your knowledge on economics, but on WHY you like economics and WHY this discipline INTRIGUES you. (The prompt ask for curiosity, not everything you know about Econ)

It's nice to say that your interest for econ grew from your love for your country, but you're obviously still a LONG shot from being able to change your country's policies. Therefore, making this your ONLY reason to like economics seems very fluffy and "fake" in a sense. You really don't have any credibility as a senior to say that you'll save your country one day, and that's why you should be accepted.

My suggestions: You need to make WHY you like Econ as your main point, and incorporate an event/anecdote, something dramatic that happened to you that changed your perspective of econ or that made you realize your love for it. Your essay has to touch the reader's heart and convince the admin that you truly love econ. This can't be done through sprouting big theories about econ, but only through a truthful and down to earth story.

Personally, I wrote how I at first thought Econ as a social studies course like history, which I absolutely loath, but realized how this is a very broad subject and incorporates many of the things I liked, math and such. Also, as an immigrant who "earned" many interests and talents, I feel that Econ, a multifaceted subject, was perfect for me.

I'm not saying that that's what you should do, but you really need to show the reader that you really like econ through any means necessary.

Student Talk / Where to get more free SAT score reports from? [5]


yea, but questions about college are fine right? We're all trying to learn more about the college process here :D

Undergraduate / "Social Science Department (Economics) - academic or intellectual curiosities? [8]

hmm...i see

I'd say no, the conversation isn't important. Actually, it confuses the reader and deviates from your point. If you absolutely want to put some conversations in it, make it AT MOST 1 back and forth, like the teacher saying something and you respond AT MOST. I'd suggest you reflecting on something the teacher said, which will be a lot clearer

Now, I don't think that the start of your essay, in which you described how you at first hated the class because the teacher was bad, then got a tutor and improved, which made you interested in Econ is the right way of going about the problem. The admin might think that you are a student who, if the teacher's bad, isn't able to go back on track unless with a good tutor, which isn't always available in college, see what I mean?

Also, I don't think that you really need to say that you failed to understand Econ first to like it. I mean, your focus isn't how you didn't like Econ initially, but why YOU LIKED econ. Therefore, I'd start by saying something in the line of Econ is a first love or something cheesy, but attention catching, and keep going on why you liked Econ.

Now, where does the lawyer and international interest comes from? I mean, you spent the first 90% of your essay talking about Econ and Math, and suddenly, you say: well, I like those subjects, but I'd rather become a lawyer...it's not really what you're trying to do here.

My suggestion: Find your focus. Do you want to talk about how you love Econ? or Math? or International relations and Law?
Once you do that, write your essay around this idea and this idea ONLY. You could use your other interest to complement your main interest. E.g. I like Econ partly because it includes a lot of Math, and I've always loved Math. I find Econ a very broad discipline that includes many fascinating subjects... (that's pretty much how I wrote my Cornell supplement)

but in any case, this essay is at best confusing. You're trying to picture the entirety of your person here, which isn't always the best way. Try to limit your interest to 1 thing, and use your life experiences/other interests to support it.

Student Talk / Where to get more free SAT score reports from? [5]


lol NO WAY! I'm pretty sure you can't get more free ones cuz I had to pay $9.5 per test for ALL my college apps.

You can get 4 free ones within 9 days of the test, as you said, but no more. Sorry, but gotta pay.

Undergraduate / "Social Science Department (Economics) - academic or intellectual curiosities? [8]

Sorry, I'm really confused on what your assignment is. Is it supposed to be an essay? if so, what is the prompt?

or is it a real conversation?

I'd like to get a bit more info before criticizing your post so that I don't completely misunderstand what you're trying to accomplish.

Undergraduate / Why Columbia and My Upbringing - The Columbia Short Answer and Essay [20]


read the guidelines. if you want to give a compliment, at least say why. Things like: this essay is good, is really not useful and show that you've given absolutely no thought. Think of it as spamming.


i've got nothing against you. I can't even suspend you as a matter of fact. but i'm warning you in case you keep doing this and actually get suspended, like many others.

Undergraduate / Auto-biography and serious advice [25]


lol, why so serious?


haha how can you expect to remain anonymous when you've posted your name?


e.g, you can take this out. It's absolutely impersonal and very unsupported. Instead, jump to your story and HOW you developed these qualities.


on my free time?


drew what? paint? sketch? not that it matters, but it gives insight on your life, which is nice


i'd take this out, you said enough.

intro: you've used 3 "love"s...sounds like frivolous to me. Also, you don't provide a clear enough thesis. Do you want to talk about academics/learning, or arts?


lol that's really not necessary. Plus, it's US the land of opp.


don't say generic statements. jump to what exactly have you done instead of wasting words summarizing


by myself and easily interacted
(btw no offense, but this is not really a huge accomplishment. all immigrants go through this. I'm not discrediting your efforts, but just to make sure that you understand that this does NOT make you unique)

avoid you's

seriously, your first body paragraph is a bunch of unecessary details in which the reader learns only 1 thing about you: you learn quickly, and you "claim" to love learning. The reader will be very skeptical if you don't provide specific examples.


you have a resume for naming your sports


once again, that's what resume is for


you prob want to explain what it is to the admin, not just to the EF people

ok, i pretty much skimmed over the rest. My overall opinion on this is that it is just empty talk, you declaring yourself as a person who loves to learn everything and join every club. However, a big problem is that you don't provide events about your life. You list things, but don't go deep in them, which makes them sound like fluff.

I know that the prompt might mislead you in thinking that it's the way to go, but let me tell you that many people will do the same as you, which isn't helping at all in the differentiation process. You need to be different to stand out, and you won't do it with this impersonal and fact-filled essay.

Here's my suggestion: take two or three things that really matters to you: music, sports, and school let's say. find 1 event in each that "show", not "tell" the reader that you are a very persistent and open person. Instead of: I play this and this and be done with it, say: My piano teacher used to call me clumsy, but after months of practice, I finally made to this this competition and earned her approval (of course, it has to be longer than that). try to "touch" the reader and incite some emotional response.

Then, in your conclusion, summarize your qualities that you've shown through the paragraphs, and say how you'll use these in the IB program (btw, show that you know what this program is, and say SPECIFICALLY how you will use your qualities in different aspects of the program). avoid generic statements like


or


and say what you actually plan to do.

good luck.

Undergraduate / U Michigan-Academic interest. Why Psychology? [9]


people's

the grammar looks good, syntax seems without huge flaw.

Now, I think that you should reorganize your essay in a way that's more powerful so that it could leave the reader with something memorable. For instance, your story of your friend is misplaced. You start by talking very generically about your interest, then moved to passion, and although you state that you feeling helpless nourished your passion...it kind of feels out of place and not connecting with your interest.

I think that your realization of your own helplessness face to a deep psychology problem should be your main point, and your interest could have grown from that. What if you started with your friend's story to "hit" the reader, then work your way to how your interest furthered from the realization of you being helpless? That way, you could incorporate your views on specific parts of psychology and show the admin that you know your stuff. As it is, the admin wonders: so that student simply "realized" his/her powerlessness and did nothing?

You could say that as a result of you being powerless, you began to develop a passion/curiosity for psychology and realized that it goes along with what you were always interested in, which is to observe people and understand and blabla. I feel that this way, the reader has a clearer idea of where your passion comes from.

Also, your comments on


really comes from no where. Science? Humanities? where do you talk about these? unless you mention them before, you shouldn't add them in the conclusion simply to tell the reader how varied your interests are. Either explain it in your body paragraphs, or drop these unsupported statements.


Pursuit of happiness? this sounds like a big plan, but you don't actually talk about pursuit of happiness anywhere else. You mention how you want to cure people, but that's a long way from pursuit of happiness.

Overall, it's a good story, but I think that restructuring it will make it have more impact. Also, try to avoid generic and unsupported statements simply for the sake of words or finishing the story.

Undergraduate / "I played around with my computer" NYU - Poly Supplement short questions [4]


mm...enlighten me, what are the elements again?


take out both


I don't think you need this sentence as a finish


mm...why else? you probably should come up with something more unique than I want to do CS because I like computers.


this is just plain arrogant. Unless you've hacked pentagon computers and gotten million dollars top secret softwares like Jonathan James, I don't think you can say that you know "so much about computers"


this finish is no where near personal. You basically said: i want to do CS because 1 i like computers and 2 i'm good at it...because my friends think i'm a computer genius. this is not exactly what a college is looking for in an applicant


so you're saying, without proof other than you have experience with computers, that you're better than many other students...extremely arrogant.


wow, that makes me really want to crush your haughtiness (no offense, but if i feel this way, the admin will, and that's not a good sign)


what do you mean by that?

the first response was original, but the second and third are just very generic, and VERY ARROGANT comment. You want to show that you're good, but not say you're good. when you do that, you'd just antagonize your audience and discredit your (surely amazing) abilities. I wasn't trying to attack you personally, but your tone is really dismissive and self centered.

Graduate / MBA Essay on Leadership through mentorship [4]


you probably wouldn't want to discredit yourself here, even if it's for modesty purpose. Using a word that qualifies your skills without sounding arrogant would be much stronger


great! shows your understanding of business management


if your one here refers to lecture, it will not be understood because of the parentheses. I suggest that you explicitly state what's "one" here.


unless these different types of sessions are very common and obvious (and I'm just ignorant) you should say what they are. True, you mentioned what they do, but try to incorporate how they work also...unless you talk about them later


the members'


you prob want to tone down on the extremely...makes you sound like a complete socialpath, even though you clearly say that you changed...extremely instills doubt


you already used also in the previous sentence. You prob want to put Furthermore or another transition


The biggest hurdle, however, was to maintain...
didn't you already say that the most significant hurdle was lack of confidence? you might want to say instead:
having established confidence in my group, I noticed that the biggest hurdle that remained was to maintain...


are those workloads? manager at least sounds more like a person to me, not the job. management maybe?


take out the through, once is enough.


the number of members increased to sixty


These results


a bit of a structural problem here. I don't get what you mean.


You did a very good job in not engaging the reader previously. don't start now. avoid you's


use "the change" or "the difference" instead of "it"


I don't really get where this comes from. You didn't say that you did the whole thing for business right? Wasn't it more like a personal challenge? and what kind of business?


now, you're just pushing the idea of change way too much at the end. You already talked about being the change, so you should come up with a more meaningful end, like how this experience changed you, instead of keep reminding the reader of how big a difference you made.

Overall, very nice structure, clear theme, and you covered pretty much everything. You had a lot of business insight throughout, even though your club didn't have to do with business directly. You covered enough of that that you don't need the "if business demands it" to stay on topic. This is a meaningful achievement and I really think that you pulled off giving it the meaning it deserves. There's a few minor errors here and there, but the main ideas were great.

Undergraduate / "life can change in an instant" - Trying to shorten my Penn State essay [3]


Didn't you say that in the first paragraph already?


ranging from...to eating (btw, you shouldn't do parallel structure with a noun (variety) and a progressive verb (eating)).


I don't get why you chose to talk about career/internships over clubs and other stuff if you want to focus on "sharing new experiences with astute individuals in the Uni", since you're more likely to go out for internships, not within the school


I noticed the link to food, but this comes from no where. I'd rather talk about your second part, on the career opportunities or whatever you choose to focus on


honorable makes you sound like a...sycophant. I'd choose a word that sound less like "awesome" and more meaningful.
also, it's Penn State University, not Pennsylvania U (if i'm wrong here, ignore me). It would be confused with U of Penn

Undergraduate / Why Columbia and My Upbringing - The Columbia Short Answer and Essay [20]


I never stated that, I simply suggested writing about a personal experience, not that the essay wasn't personal. It could be better structured.


This is not helping the essays at all. Watch out or you might get suspended.

Undergraduate / My family, The world I come from. MIT essay. [17]

glad I could help, and I hope that you get accepted by MIT and your other schools!

Essays / Whats My New Years Resolution and Why? [6]


how does this go with you trying trying now things? or make change?
perhaps say that you hope to become more active in school events? in your community?

i'd suggest that you give examples of how you'd change things and try novelties. You need to be more specific about your resolutions becuase you specific said that you "decided to think of resolutions" you actually will do, but what you've give are very vague topics.

Essays / Is it better if I gear my essay explicitly towards why I wanted to study engineering? [8]


haha definitely.


I agree with this as well, but I do point out that a clear plan...could be faked/misleading. For example, a student could say that want to go do business and have very detailed plans, but he/she could have never taken a business class, and don't know anything about it.

What troubles me is determining my major. I think I know what I'll do, yet haven't had any thorough training in that discipline. Good thing that we're not bounded by our declaration of major!

Undergraduate / UChicago extended essay,free topic about two sides of coin and medal))) [4]


this essay WAS creative; it simply lacked focus. The idea, however, was clever and pretty good. I'm sorry if I made you feel that your essay was bad; it was definitely not my intention, nor what I think of your essay.

Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [103]

so what IS your intro? without that, it's hard to give you further information. we need to know YOUR THESIS to be able to help you with the body paragraphs.

oh, and could you create a new thread for that matter? we don't want to spam this thread do we?

Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [103]

imn0
nice detail dude

Undergraduate / UChicago extended essay,free topic about two sides of coin and medal))) [4]

i wrote this as i go through your essay, so my opinion will change from time to time...so please read the entire thing before countering any impression i have on your essay

So your self given prompt is


? if so, do you really answer it? do you ever talk about whether a medal has 2 sides, and what they are?

in any case, simply focusing on the quality of the essay (not considering grammatical mistakes), your essay seems convoluted. assuming that you do answer the prompt (i suggest you coming up with a prompt that "fits" better your essay), it lacks a clear thesis.

your intro states that you wanted that medal, and your 1st body declares how you realized that


. at that point, it's expected that you keep running with the idea that this medal didn't provide you with the pleasure you supposed because of the sacrifices and such

however, your third paragraph talks about how the medal was actually worth something since it was the zenith of your efforts.

ok, upon reading your conclusion, i think i get your point: the medal has its downsides, and its upsides. however, if that is your thesis, then you need not to say in the second paragraph that the medal meant nothing, because if it did, then there wouldn't be any point to your essay, but whether the medal was worth all the trouble.

i'd take out the michael phelps part. it distracts the reader from your main point.

overall, i think that you really do need more focus. i'd suggest:
2nd paragraph focus on your sacrifices (was the medal worth it?)
3rd paragraph focus on the upsides
conclusion, the medal told the story of your life, and was definitely worth it.
(that's why i'd change the prompt...you don't want a prompt that requires qualification, like qualifying both sides of the medal, but whether the medal impacted you positively)

when you write about the downsides and upsides, talk in specific. Don't try to go all over the place and list all the things you could think of. instead talk about 1 or 2 or 3 specific events that were really significant to you that illustrate your sacrifice or your gain; also, what confuses me is when you try to explain the upsides with the downsides, like that despite the fact the you lost friends (downside), you made new ones. i'd try coming up with more significant examples, specific to the IMO competitions. after all, you could lose friends because of anything, not necessarily math competitions.

Undergraduate / Permanent Tattoos-Supplement Essay [3]

It's very nicely written and captivating, but I don't think it answers the prompt of "


"

Where do you talk about your values or how you approach to world?

Your essay would be a very nice introduction to a potential medical paper on that skin problem, or your own biography, but not as a college essay trying to convince the admin that YOU'RE THE RIGHT STUDENT for princeton.

2 distinct problems:
1. We don't find your main opinion on your rash until the end.
2. Your final opinion on your rash is...dark and inconclusive. You talk about how you spent 8 years, but without result, and you seemed to be willing to give up, which isn't exactly the kind of attitude to put in a college essay.

potential solutions:
1. You could make it much more personal and focused if you spent 1 body paragraph on the reactions you get for this disease, and how you tried to hide it in the beginning, but ultimately realized that it's futile to hide what's part of you, even if it's a disease.

2. You could talk about how this rash made you realize that the world is a painful world and things happen without reason, yet you keep trying to figure out a solution and potentially help others.

Make your essay revolve around 1 central theme, and realize that your focus isn't the rash, but how that changed your view, or defined your value. Answer the prompt!

Undergraduate / designing innovative aircrafts -which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why? [9]


my interest grew (or evolved).
(grew how? you'd have to explain, or simply take this sentence out)


is the perfect learning place for me maybe?


my dedication? (find a synonym of commitment since you already used it)


parallel structure mistake (to excellence and to improve, see what i mean?)
also, I'd take this out because you'd have to explain what you mean by improve society


..a bit pretentious here? huge...is not the right word. significant? lasting?


what discipline? you talk about the department, but understand that a department has A LOT of disciplines, or majors


this echoes your improve society point, but you'd have to explain...

Overall, it's not a bad essay, but beware that you make a lot of big statements without support. How exactly are you going to change the world? plans? goals? (more specific than "develop new technologies", you could talk about how/what kind of technologies/new aircrafts you could design, and how that will impact the world)

about your worries of exceeding the word limit, you can cut the essay a lot by taking out all the big talk and unecessary details (I would stay up late to see documentaries on TV.) unless they are really important to your thesis.

Undergraduate / My family, The world I come from. MIT essay. [17]


the first part has a really awkward structure, do you mean "I hope that my country will one day associated not with bad things, but with an economic...?"


getting the highest education, coming back to my country, and contributing (parallel structure, and comma (',') before and.

Hope that you see these minor corrections in time. This essay is well written, and the reader feels your passion for your country as well as your dreams. good job!

Undergraduate / Drawing and painting - MIT pleasure essay [9]

mmmm so what is the thing you talk about?