Undergraduate /
Auto-biography and serious advice [25]
give serious advice
lol, why so serious?
I want to remain anonymous
haha how can you expect to remain anonymous when you've posted your name?
where I developed self-discipline and my love for learning
e.g, you can take this out. It's absolutely impersonal and very unsupported. Instead, jump to your story and HOW you developed these qualities.
On my own time
on my free time?
I often drew
drew what? paint? sketch? not that it matters, but it gives insight on your life, which is nice
I loved anything to do with the arts.
i'd take this out, you said enough.
intro: you've used 3 "love"s...sounds like frivolous to me. Also, you don't provide a clear enough thesis. Do you want to talk about academics/learning, or arts?
the land of opportunities
lol that's really not necessary. Plus, it's US the land of opp.
I knew I had to take every opportunity because so many children don't get those opportunities
don't say generic statements. jump to what exactly have you done instead of wasting words summarizing
I learned English within my first year by my self, and easily interacted with other children.
by myself and easily interacted
(btw no offense, but this is not really a huge accomplishment. all immigrants go through this. I'm not discrediting your efforts, but just to make sure that you understand that this does NOT make you unique)
avoid you's
seriously, your first body paragraph is a bunch of unecessary details in which the reader learns only 1 thing about you: you learn quickly, and you "claim" to love learning. The reader will be very skeptical if you don't provide specific examples.
football team, basketball team, track and field team, soccer team, badminton team, and volleyball team
you have a resume for naming your sports
Student council, Lunch Monitor, Safety Patrol, Library Club, Drama Club, Crafts Club
once again, that's what resume is for
Secondary's Mini School Program
you prob want to explain what it is to the admin, not just to the EF people
ok, i pretty much skimmed over the rest. My overall opinion on this is that it is just empty talk, you declaring yourself as a person who loves to learn everything and join every club. However, a big problem is that you don't provide events about your life. You list things, but don't go deep in them, which makes them sound like fluff.
I know that the prompt might mislead you in thinking that it's the way to go, but let me tell you that many people will do the same as you, which isn't helping at all in the differentiation process. You need to be different to stand out, and you won't do it with this impersonal and fact-filled essay.
Here's my suggestion: take two or three things that really matters to you: music, sports, and school let's say. find 1 event in each that "show", not "tell" the reader that you are a very persistent and open person. Instead of: I play this and this and be done with it, say: My piano teacher used to call me clumsy, but after months of practice, I finally made to this this competition and earned her approval (of course, it has to be longer than that). try to "touch" the reader and incite some emotional response.
Then, in your conclusion, summarize your qualities that you've shown through the paragraphs, and say how you'll use these in the IB program (btw, show that you know what this program is, and say SPECIFICALLY how you will use your qualities in different aspects of the program). avoid generic statements like
enormous supply of knowledge
or
make the world a better place
and say what you actually plan to do.
good luck.