Undergraduate /
UMich Engineering Essay: Interests and aspirations [4]
Hi,
Your introduction is all cliche!!! Change the first sentence as it is a dangling modifier:
My first lesson of engineering was taught by my parents since they are all engineers.I learned my first lesson of engineering from my parents, who are both engineers.
I learned that (an?) engineer is someone who has a magical power of turning ideas to reality and engineering is about applying theories to benefit the real world (/is the bridge between theory and practicality?).
It sounds like a fairy tale - use the one in the brackets. -->
Engineering is the bridge between theory and
practicality . It seems awkard - replace it with realism or something else.
The strongest power of changing the world by human is engineeringAnd I hope to be an engineer, so that I could have the ability to make the world a better place.
I aspire to become an engineer so I can build the capacity in me to make the world a better environment.
I, with a team - I, along with a team of classmates, ...
Our team's task was to design
and make a mobile robot
For the first time, I felt
as an engineer.
The team
having more with the greater number of balls
in basket ? wins the game. --> Its vague, are you talking about the team that scores a higher number of goals? OR, you can simply say in
the basket.
We spent nights
on reading related materials and designing our robot.
Because of the high efficiency and good reliability of our machine (It sounds like you bought the product! You were the ones who created it!)Because of our efficiency and excellent design -, my team
survived (reached?)
to the final round and ranked 3rd place among 36 competing teams.
To engineers, nothing can beyond pleasure of watching machine you design complete the given task successfully. For engineers, there is nothing that can beat the pleasure we receive from watching a machine that we have designed
by with our own hands. - TOO MANY GRAMMATICAL ERRORS.
At that time By then I had read
almost everything (all the details) about robots. I learned how robots
significantly help
people humans in manufacture, heath care and discovery activities - Discovery Activities?
You mean Research?. I was captivated by the tremendous
possibility possibilities and
capability capabalities of a robot. And I told myself: that is what I want to do in the future.
During my studies in UMJI, I took many courses taught by professors from University of Michigan (UMich). - Dangling Modifier. In UMJI, I took several courses. The professors had completed their studies from Uni of Michigan.
Impressed by their advanced teaching methods and rigorous
scholarship training,
I can't wait to know I was eager to learn more about UMich and the College of Engineering (CoE).
Later, I also learned that CoE ranked among the top engineering schools in the US and has the largest engineering research budget in public universities. What
makes me more excited fascinates me most is great Mobile Robotics Laboratory of CoE and that UMich is one of the five universities in University Research Program in Robotics funded by DoE of US. UMich is definitely
the place I want to go the best place for me.
What's more is If I could engage my SJTU-UM Dual Degree Program and study ME in CoE of UMich and ECE in SJTU, I would have an excellent combination (combined degree?) in robotics
by combining computer technique with mechanical engineering . I believe that studying in UMich can equip me with the most advanced knowledge, and only in this way could I become a great engineer and contribute (to) the world.
Good Luck
