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Posts by ddragonx34
Joined: Dec 28, 2009
Last Post: Jan 10, 2010
Threads: 7
Posts: 22  


Displayed posts: 29
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ddragonx34   
Jan 10, 2010
Undergraduate / Impossible Is Nothing- Adidas [7]

Hmm...
ok... haha - I think, perhaps, I misinterpreted the prompt. This prompt asks, "why the honors program."

BUT The essay before it states, "Why George Washington and your major?"...

I took this prompt as, "why do u want an accelerated course as opposed to the regular."
ddragonx34   
Jan 9, 2010
Undergraduate / Impossible Is Nothing- Adidas [7]

In an essay of approximately 300 words, let us know why you want to be a member of the University Honors Program.

I am a dreamer. I dream big, Superman dreams; like helping the guinea worm infested Africa or saving Dubai from further financial crisis. I chose International Relations as my major in order to triumph over these menacing horrors. Yet, I also know that even if I spend a hundred lifetimes on my pursuit- solving the HIV crisis in Africa, for instance, I may only be able to clean the shoes off just the minions of world issues. My "dreams" of global peace and breaking down barriers is so near the realm of impossibility, it sucks away the lives and hearts of those with similar dreams like a humongous vortex. I choose to be sucked in.

I stare at an approaching storm of international contention, and I tell myself, "Not yet... I must be prepared." In a world of unpredictable change, of endless problems ranging from religious rights to health assistance, I simply do not have time. Through George Washington's Honor Program, I must excel at every chance that I receive. I must be best equipped in order to target global obstacles. I aspire in foreign relations knowing that I may not be able to "save the world", but I am unwavering in my determination to change it. I will use the Honors Program at GW in order enrich my education in foreign relations. Through its multi-disciplinary study, I hope to gain a wider scope of knowledge; I must be prepared to vase a diverse set of obstacles. The Honors Program will embolden me as a world citizen so that I will have a chance; a chance to offer tribes food and clothing in the Sub- Sahara. A chance to pry open a mutual respect in the Middle East. A chance to reign over a dream that many call impossible.
ddragonx34   
Jan 6, 2010
Undergraduate / Why I Really Must go!- Tufts [6]

Wow. thank you. I also felt that my introduction was a bit weak.

~ really appreciate the reply! :D
ddragonx34   
Jan 4, 2010
Scholarship / Out of the Crowd [4]

I tried to conceal my true feelings by listening attentively to the teacher's lecture. However, I could not completely isolate myself from my surroundings.

By people judging me merely because I wore the Muslim headscarf did not make things less stringent. - sentence threw me off- not the grammar- but the muslim headscarf shouldn't really mean anything or affect stringency... it doesn't work here because it is too early on in the passage. (it'd be fine without)

Your topic is personal and the essay well written. I learned alot.

also, i had a second response. would you mind reading it? (tufts)
ddragonx34   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / Why I Really Must go!- Tufts [6]

Thank you! Do you mind reading my last one. I was worried about this. haha

ANYBODY?!
ddragonx34   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / Why I Really Must go!- Tufts [6]

Which aspects of Tufts' curriculum or undergraduate experience prompt your application? In short: ''Why Tufts?'' (50 words)

Tufts' is irresistible because it nurtures culturally aware and politically active students. As an International Relations major, I must take advantage of a globalized environment. I also require an unmatched interdisciplinary education in order to encounter a world of unpredictable change. Because I desire a school of such limitless potential, Tufts is the only place for me.

Self-identity and personal expression take many forms. For example, music, clothing, politics, extracurricular interests, and ethnicity can each be a defining attribute. Do you surf or tinker? Are you a vegetarian poet who loves Ayn Rand? Do you prefer YouTube or test tubes? Are you preppie or Goth? Use the richness of your life to give us insight: what voice will you add to the Class of 2014? (200)

I am "proud to be an American" in the sense that I do not fit a single niche. I treasure my ability to see value in many activities and take advantage of the "melting pot" of customs and cultures. I relish the fact that I can enjoy classical music while also nodding my head to hip hop rhythms. I can fulfill my passion for fencing in the afternoons and later head excitedly for a debate meeting. My freedom as an individual is limitless because of my capability to thrive in any environment.

On Tuesdays, I find a home in the orchestral rehearsals of Tchaikovsky's Concerto while on Wednesdays, I continue to hone my skills as a break dancer. Because of my love for diversity, I get the same satisfaction from advocating health assistance in Africa just as I do being a car salesman in the DECA program.

As an American, my passions extend even to my embrace of other cultures. I am an activist for Multicultural Awareness because I know that cultural experiences are invaluable. Both my heritage as a Korean American and experiences abroad as a missionary attest to the endless lessons we can learn from other communities.

At Tufts, I will offer new meaning to the word "American." By expressing my diverse interests in both culture and extracurricular activity, I hope to set an example for every Tufts student I meet. I must show Tufts that being an American requires more than just a correct birthplace; that our "melting pot" demands us to embrace others as developing citizens of the world.
ddragonx34   
Jan 3, 2010
Undergraduate / Labor vs. International Relations! [4]

Thank you! I did mention both the ambassador and Superman topic earlier.
I really appreciate it.

Oh. the prompt- School of Industrial and Labor Relations:
Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. In your essay please address how the ILR curriculum will help you fulfill these interests and your long-term goals.
ddragonx34   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Labor vs. International Relations! [4]

Hey guys can you just give me some corrections/thoughts on this last paragraph? Thanks!

The School of Industrial and Labor Relations (ILR) matches me perfectly. My strong passion for the social sciences compliments ILR's approach towards the study of labor and economy. As an ambassador, extensive knowledge in these areas is crucial. Nevertheless, what intrigues me most about the School of Industrial and Labor Relations is its ability to nurture those with a wide range of interests. With its interdisciplinary nature, ILR will prepare me for any possible challenge that I might encounter in my career. This aspect is also invaluable because of the unpredictable nature of global relations. I treasure this quality most because I know that with it, I can, once again, be the Superman that I have wanted to be.
ddragonx34   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Tufts Essay- A Mirror Reflection? [9]

Final Version! Any takes?

Tufts' globalized, creative, and passionate environment is irresistible. I am deeply interested in the renowned International Relations program as well as double-majoring in Psychology. Tufts' multiculturalism, world-class dining, interdisciplinary education, and, most of all, sense of community, is a clear reflection of my own lifestyle.
ddragonx34   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Brown PLME other interests supplement - music, piano [3]

As long as it is about reaching my goals, S cience is my first priority. But even though my future goals lie in my expertise in the sciences, I also have other interests that I want to explore while participating in the Program in Liberal Medical Education.

I have always wanted to take Latin. Though the language may not be used any longer, I find it to be a very useful language to know, since it is essentially the mother of nearly all the Western languages. That and the fact that many terms in the sciences are derived from its roots stir my curiosity to learn it. I am interested in taking the "Introduction to Latin" course and "Essentials of the Latin Language," perhaps then moving onto the "Introduction to Latin Literature" course . Hopefully with knowledge in the language of Latin, learning other language such as Spanish or French, or even just the terminology in the sciences, will prove beneficial in the future.

You should put a transition here.
As a child, I've always been interested in ethics and philosophy. Since elementary school to now, when I couldn't sleep, I thought. I thought about everything, from what the purpose of life could be to a society vs. family debate. Though I do this less now, because of the little time to think when there are AP statistics problems waiting for me to finish through every night, I am still curious, and I still want to go back to those days when I could ponder the world's secrets and never find an answer. Classes such as "Introduction to Analytic Philosophy" or "Contemporary Moral Problems" appeal to me as interesting courses that could stimulate critical thinking. I would also like to take the "Science, Perception, and Reality" course along with a class on logic. -you don't need it.

The insight on your plan is good! I feel that you should connect latin, philosophy, and art though. You state them as separate points, and it takes off from the fluidity of your entire essay.

Good luck!
ddragonx34   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / "Reverend Williams? I love him!" CMC- Leadership [8]

I liked it! Well written.

Now. err. How should I say this?

The usual critique is that you need MORE examples; however, in your body paragraphs, I think you can CUT down several of the examples about leadership, especially because the length, at first, seems, intimidating.

That way, redundancy isn't an issue.
ddragonx34   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / "I strive earnestly like my parents" - UVA- The World I Come From [3]

Describe the world you come from and how that world shaped who you are. (250)
Any feedback is appreciated.


All I wanted was a Hess truck! But, I never got one. Perhaps, if I was lucky, I'd receive a new pair of shoes or a book for my birthday. I remember sitting outside mom's Laundromat selling bottle caps for a dollar-a-piece. My overpriced "business" was a complete failure, but I wanted to help out my family nonetheless. Money was always an issue.

For my father, a plumber and my mother, a laundry lady, the "nine to five" was an American dream. An eighteen hour work day was not out of the ordinary, and as a child, I often wished my parents had normal lives. "Why couldn't they get office jobs or do something exciting?"

As part of an immigrant family, I was also confronted by a strong language barrier. Every time my parents went shopping, I became a personal translator, bound to their every excursion. Mom tells me, "If only I had a college degree, I could change the world. My father mutters, "if only English wasn't such a difficult language..."

Like many children, I am strengthened by my parents' support, but having been raised in the face of tremendous sacrifice, I am empowered. As a witness to my parents' financial and linguistic barriers, I am inspired to follow their example of perseverance.

Whether in music, sports, or politics, I strive earnestly like my parents, who, despite their own toils, are always behind me, telling me in their broken but persistent English, "Don't give up!"
ddragonx34   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Tufts Essay- A Mirror Reflection? [9]

Yeah. I also agree. :D I found that "irresistible" works a lot better.

~I appreciate the feedback. Thanks!
ddragonx34   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / A HAPPY ESSAY =) (my unique common app essay) [16]

Great intro. Epic Ending = ) .. But, I also advise against the :D ending because you have enough "happy" in the essay.

Hmm. Well, i am a happy person... :D, but at one point, I feel, you should get serious. What I mean is... I see "happy" written all over this essay - beginning, middle, and end.

There's too much off it, and I feel overwhelmed. Shed some new light. Even if it's a topic of choice, there should be clear, earnest argument/point you want to make. "I am a reallly happy person." - not to sure if that cuts it? Perhaps you can use your "happiness" and show your plans for the future or atleast emphasize the "how I change people with my happiness" part of the essay.

You should lay off the monotony... even if you are :)ing!
ddragonx34   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app essay : embarrasing time (Do I answer the prompt? feedback) crit back [15]

For the New Yorker question, i agree that it is a bit lighthearted. Maybe you could speak more about "what you will do in the City". Your conclusion about her work in the UN is a bit abrupt.

All the other essays, including the short common app, were well crafted. I liked them, a lot!

:D
ddragonx34   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / NYU - Summer Experience & Famous New Yorker [10]

Thanks everyone.

When I wrote the summer experience, I guess I just wanted to be straightforward. (It's not part of the personal statement). I guess I should have made it createative since many seem to be doing the same. :)

As for the Satchmo essay, I really appreciate all your suggestions!!
ddragonx34   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / NYU Supplements - New Yorker, Poem, Movie, Intended discipline [12]

she struggles with her morals

I feel like there should be a "between" in there after struggles?? At least, I think that's what you're getting at.

Anyway, I'm sure NYU will be happy to have you! You really come off as an excited candidate in this supp. I like it! :D

That's the new yorker one!
ddragonx34   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Mulan: Describe a significant experience and its impact on you [4]

First of all. Can you state the prompt? There 's also no world limit on this.

Coming from the chaotic crowd were delicate hands
You can change the passive to active here.

With any obstacle, it takes understanding and time to overcome it, and with goals and a strong heart to achieve those goals, nothing will stand in the way. This furthers my intent of becoming either a teacher, public speaker or fulfilling my ultimate dream of becoming an actor.

Redundant? - Show, don't tell.

Overall, there are some great parts. But, there is also a lot of extra material you might be able to get rid of.
ddragonx34   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / NYU- 2050 Movie- Life in 10 years? [6]

Thanks Swifty!
It's 500 characters, which is approximately 80 words. : )

Any comment is appreciated.
ddragonx34   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / NYU- 2050 Movie- Life in 10 years? [6]

In the year 2050, a movie is being made of your life. Please tell us the name of your movie and briefly summarize the story line.

500 Characters

The Last Prince
-A spinoff on the movie, "The Last King of Scotland". A young U.S. envoy is captured by a brutal militia in Northern Uganda. In the midst of diplomatic negotiations, Samuel finds himself among a soulless tribe under the oppression of the Lord's Resistance Army. The Last Prince tells the remarkable tale of a prisoner who brought music, art, and ultimately friendship to a people that had lost hope.

Hopefully, in some way, the plot encompasses:
-Desire to study international relations/peace
-Love for music
-Compassion
ddragonx34   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "R-r-rrrrring!" - Common App prompt [12]

Wow. Overall, I think it's very powerful. Adcoms will get a lot out of you from this.

A few minor things.

5 o'clock in the morning is when my alarm clock rang on November 22, 2007. - passive voice??

how about - The 5 o'clock alarm woke me on November 22, 2007, the day my mother left me... (sounds like a hook?)

As I jotted down my response to a chemistry assignment, it suddenly hit me how my life has started to change. I used to enter my house, watch "Deal or No Deal" while eating, and then do my homework. - that kind of hit me as "sudden" (not intended to be dry humor :D )

I realized how my mother had to leave the country for us; for the survival of the family.
ddragonx34   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / NYU - Summer Experience & Famous New Yorker [10]

500 Characters max. (~85 words)
I'm at the max for each.

In addition to any work experience that you listed on your application, please tell us how you spent your most recent summer vacation.

This summer, I interned for a nonprofit organization that networks state law enforcement with the Asian community. As a coordinator for the police advisory committee, I spearheaded a project that integrated many New Jersey high schools into the program. I also met with various politicians, such as Governor Corzine and the Senator Lautenberg, to learn more about upper-level politics and its effects on ethnic affairs. I was delighted that I could help ensure a voice for the minority community.

(Should I change the last sentence to "I AM delighted"?)

If you had the opportunity to spend one day in New York City with a famous New Yorker, who would it be and what would you do? (Your New Yorker can be anyone -past or present, fictional or nonfictional - who is commonly associated with New York City; they do not necessarily have to have been born and raised in New York.

With my drumsticks and Satchmo's trumpet, Louis Armstrong and I would make a dynamic pair. My musicianship isn't quite "on par" with the legendary trumpeter, but I'm sure we'll have no trouble debuting at the jazz clubs in Harlem. I'd love to spend the entire day playing with Mr. Armstrong, but performing is only half the story.

Listening to R&B and Hip-hop at the Apollo is the other must. I'm sure that upon listening, Satchmo will be thrilled to discover that he's a father of modern music.

*Satchmo is Armstrong's nickname. (I definitely want to include this, but the character limit is a nuisance.)
ddragonx34   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Tufts Essay- A Mirror Reflection? [9]

wow. : ) it sounds considerably better. Thanks for the suggestion.

And yeah, point taken about my first sentence. I was trying to sound excited, but I guess it was redundant haha.
ddragonx34   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Tufts Essay- A Mirror Reflection? [9]

Any advice/critique would be awesome! Thanks!

Which aspects of Tufts' curriculum or undergraduate experience prompt your application? In short: ''Why Tufts?'' (50 words)

Nothing can stop the reverberating energy that I get from thinking about Tufts. The notion of a globalized, creative, and passionate environment is overwhelming. I love Tufts because it is a reflection of my own life style- multiculturalism, world-class dining, interdisciplinary education, and most of all, a sense of community.
ddragonx34   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / "S.T.O.P." - Brown University - Best piece of advice you've ever been given? [8]

"S-STOP - -Say stop to yourself, T- Take a deep breath, O- Orient yourself,
P- Press your pause button (your forehead!) "

I was confused by the format at first, but I get it. Put the S in front.

This piece of advice works for me all the time. It can transform the short-tempered and arrogant into patient and kind beings.
This has helped me immeasurably; I have escaped numerous elongated and aggravating lectures from my parents. But only because I know how to use this advice in order to achieve its highest potential.

I feel that there are a lot of extra words you can take out. I like the content, because I often have to same issue (not being able to "pause" at times). I guess the flow could use some work.

------------

The first ending works better, but you have to transition to your ending more smoothly. I actually got this advice from a Student Life Consultant at a Leadership Camp. - that line comes out of the blue.

The second conclusion seemed like "I say "STOP" and then, "PRESTO"- everything works out magically".

I hope this helps you out Zahra. Best of Luck!
ddragonx34   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Different perception of HOME; Tufts - "Let Your Life Speak" [3]

Hey, I also just posted this same question! haha

Ok. so.

Start with 266 Sargent Road had always appeared to me as a starting point. My mind constantly revolved around the idea that escaping 266 Sargent Road was the only way I could truly succeed.

It's a good hook that still makes your point. You then get a better understanding of why you wanted to leave your home in the next paragraph.

And I agree with Joosung. You definately must "show" the change more clearly. You do alot of "telling"(not good) in the last paragraph, especially. An example to show the change would make your piece stronger.

I hope this helped!
Please check out my Tufts supplement as well. : )
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