Undergraduate / ENGINEERING... follow in my father's footsteps - YALE [7]

mechanical engineer, as I had performed exceedingly well in all the practical assignments

Comma not needed here: my ambition of being a great engineer if I am educated at a top-notch...

The new paragraph is better. However, I still think it would best if you include more Yale-specific information.

Undergraduate / ENGINEERING... follow in my father's footsteps - YALE [7]

You started off in the clichéd way of talking about childhood. However, I found it different from others. It did seem that engineering was a natural decision.

The second paragraph has no earthly business in this essay. The AOs don't want to know about engineering. They want to know about you.

The third and fourth paragraphs are weak. They demonstrate a lack of research about the university. You can replace Yale with any other high ranking university, tweak the sentence about student to faculty ratio, and your essay will remain the same.

So do your research. Ask questions to admissions coordinators, ex-students, current students, etc. Of course, scour the university website for every detail you can find.

Graduate / "Polymer Engineering" - STATEMENT OF PURPOSE FOR GRADUATE ADMISSION [2]


Think about it once. What is "a well trained chemical engineer?"
Don't you think it is a vague term.
Therefore, it's good to name a proper profession. Chemical engineering is a broad field encompassing a host of professions. What do YOU want to be?


I'm sure you have better reasons than these for pursuing your studies. Do some thinking and you will soon realise why you want to study.


I think it's better to avoid talking about school level studies in a grad school essay. Concentrate on college.


This sentence is not needed because your CV will carry these details. Right now it is just a repetition.


When you describe these things, they should be in a language understood by laymen. Some universities ask that directly and some don't, but I think it's always better to keep the jargon out.

Your conclusion could do with one more sentence.

Undergraduate / Essay on how you work with peers in math [3]

I think your first paragraph has too many sentences which are irrelevant to the context. You could have used an example to demonstrate that you can adapt to your surrounding environment. Right now it seems as if you are describing the importance of adaptability on a general basis.


This sentence is not necessary.

The second paragraph can also be condensed. That will give you room to talk about some other things that you think will give weight to your essay.


I'm sorry, but I don't see the logic behind this statement.


Another unnecessary sentence.


Don't make claims which you don't substantiate. Use examples to show your qualities.

The conclusion suffers from the same problem as the introduction.

Undergraduate / "Computer: want to be a computer engineer" admissions essay [4]

Your first paragraph is a very common and overused way of starting an admissions essay. Try to change it.
I'm not saying that you cannot say all those things about your childhood. However, you should include them in a way that is different from others. Read some other essays and you'll understand what I mean.

You can start with a short description of an experience from present and then connect it to one from your past. This is just an example.


I don't like this sentence. It makes you seem a bit...bloated...you know what I mean??

The third paragraph is not good. Here you've put things which everyone knows. Are they really the reasons you want to pursue comp sc.? Do some research into the new and upcoming fields of computer science. You'll see that you will have more than enough material to talk about.

Grammar, Usage / Expressing opinions in technical writing? [3]

I don't think I understood your question properly. Nevertheless, what do you think of the following one?

"Despite the fact that both methods have their advantages, it can be clearly seen that the former..."

Undergraduate / Most appealing about Columbia = it fits the mold of my expectations [3]

Your first line seems strangely out of place. This is followed by some points which everyone else could have given. What I mean is that your essay seems to project a lack of research about the university.

You don't have to talk about all the factors which would make Columbia a good place for you. Just concentrate on one or two, but make them seem the most important ones. I believe the prompt asks about that only.

You say that you like chemistry. But you can pursue that in any other college of Columbia's stature. Do you have a specific reason?

Graduate / Science and Mathematics: Statement of Purpose- MS in Computer Networks [3]

I was lucky to join the research and development division of a project working in VoIP (Voice over IP), the latest technology or in my manager's words 'the cutting edge technology!' -- cut away useless words

I think you should include more specifics about the university you are applying to. Can you name a particular faculty member whose work interests you? Are the research areas of your intended university compatible to your own?

Undergraduate / The City, The Lessons, The Campus: Why I chose to Apply to UCF [6]

I can still remember back toT he first time I stepped foot on the UCF campus, I was 9 years old and my family and I were moving my older sister in to her new dorm room. -- unnecessary words

donning my kid- sized ZTA tank top around school with pride.


You can shorten this sentence. The "I have always..." part is a bit boring...sorry :(


Here you introduce a different idea. Your essay doesn't say anything about how UCF will help you grow as a human being. So why have you put this sentence?

Your essay was nice overall. However, I think you could add something about your intended course of study.

Scholarship / M.Sc Statement of purpose for chemical engineering (at a reputable ‎university) [8]


In my opinion, your undergraduate degree falls under career in a broad sense. That's why I think it should be included. I say this because some people may not have any work experience, and they may still be applying to that particular university. In their case, they will talk about their undergrad degree as their career.


You can write that in the same paragraph.

Scholarship / M.Sc Statement of purpose for chemical engineering (at a reputable ‎university) [8]

Hello Muzamil

Your writing is good. You just have a few minor mistakes. But some of the content needs some working. Let us take the paragraphs one by one.

Paragraph 1
The first sentence is vague. That means it doesn't highlight your qualities. You can say you're hard-working/ brave, but how do we know that? The readers who have never seen you cannot just assume that you have those particular qualities.

Therefore, talk about specific stuff. Stuff that can be associated with you easily. The best way to do that is by taking the help of examples. Consider the following example

I want to say that I am altruistic. I can say that in two ways.
1) I am always moved by the suffering of poor
2) I volunteered in an NGO which provides free clothing to the poor section of society.

Which one do you think is better?

Paragraph 2
You could have explained a bit more about your undergraduate degree. Did you do some project/research as part of your coursework?

Paragraph 4
You should include more specifics about the university you are applying to. Does the MSc course they have include the modules on the topics you have given as your interests? Is there anyone from the faculty working on those fields?

Undergraduate / Aspects Of My Life A University Wants - Essay '10 [2]

Hello Suranjan!
Whenever you post an essay, include the prompt.


This seemed like a really obvious observation until I saw the word "brag." That single word made me like this sentence.

Well, in my case I've got not one, not two , but several traits that I can talk about ---- unnecessary emphasis


Hmm...I'm slightly unsure whether I like this part or not. I think it is clever of you to use that analogy, but ...
Anyway never mind :)


I'm not sure if I got your meaning properly. What do you mean by "points of information?"

Your fourth paragraph has too many unnecessary descriptions for my liking. Condense some of that stuff. It would be better if you join it with the preceding para.

Since I don't know the prompt, I cannot comment on the suitability of this essay. Your writing seems fine.

Undergraduate / 'overcoming and becoming' -FSU prompt (Vires, Artes, Mores) [3]

Your opening sentence is not very exciting. It is just an unnecessary observation.


This is vague. Moreover, it makes it hard to see where your essay is going. For instance, you follow it up with an incident that didn't affect you directly; so how does it relate to mistakes you made or problems you had?


I also didn't understand why you introduced and emphasized this word.

Graduate / the financial markets: MBA program admission Goal Statement essay [4]

Hello Leon!

Can you write the first sentence in a simpler way? I got the meaning, but such a long opening sentence can be discouraging.


Avoid contractions in formal writing.

For the past twelve years, I have spent a considerable amount of time toeducating myself...

Your essay is good; however, you should talk more about the program. Are there any modules which interest you greatly? You have said that you want to concentrate on finance. But finance is such a broad field. Do you have something even more specific in mind?

You talk about the diversity of the student population of the university. But there are also other universities like that -- ones that have lots of international students. So what is so unique about your chosen one?

Graduate / Why Statistics? Admission Essay MA Statistics Program [3]


I think this should be statistical science or simply, statistics.

I get special pleasure in extracting information out of raw data.

At xxx College, I took courses that helped me learn about regression

I had a series of courses in Economics during my undergraduate years that gave me greatthe opportunity to analyze different types of data-sets.

a research project at an Econometrics class, taught by Professor xxx,that to utilize the statistical


This is an awkward sentence.
My version would be: To prepare myself accordingly, I have started learning C++ and relevant mathematical topics through MIT Open Courseware and UC Berkeley Webcasts.

I am convinced myself that I am well equipped to start my graduate study.


Rephrase this sentence.


This is a weird observation. Don't all the professors do so, especially when they are from a world class institution?

As you can see, I took out a lot of unnecessary words. You can also improve the conclusion. Add one more sentence that highlights your future plan.

Graduate / Admission Essay PhD Cell and Developmental Biology [8]


I don't like this sentence. It made be wonder why you didn't choose quantum physics or something alike.

One more thing-- it would be great if you mention a potential supervisor, and explain briefly why you find his or her work interesting.

Graduate / "Part of the Fenway Family"--Peace Corps Application Essay #2 [18]

Hey Kayla

This is definitely better, and I think I agree with Mark's suggestion of removing the word "actively."

Good luck for the future :)

Undergraduate / "... so just bear with me" - Stanford letter to roommate [7]

Wow Maggie!!

This is great stuff! Very witty and very funny!
If I were you, I wouldn't change a word. There isn't a single sentence which failed to capture my attention. This really is one of the best essays I've seen on this site. :)

Scholarship / 'high achieving students from low income families' - short answer response [2]


This is a vague sentence. Since you started the response with mathematics, I think it would be better if you stick with mathematics only.

The second response is good.

Same goes for third.


"Financial aspects" sounds awkward. Can you think of a different phrase?


I think you can condense this sentence. Also, it would be better if you don't use the second person.

Undergraduate / Brown Engineering - Why biomedical. "Most potential" [5]

This is well written. However, it would be better if you can specify one single thing you want to do in this field. Read some current articles on the biomedical engineering. That may give you some ideas about how you can be even specific. If you can specifically say that you want to do research/job in XYZ field in the future, your essay would stand out. Of course, your interests may change over the years, but it would be great if you can specify one..

Writing Feedback / Veteran of Domestic Wars: I need some critique here. [3]


The semicolon should be a comma.


This one...same as above. Also, the word "to" would sound better than against.
Typo I believe --> ore ...should be yore.



These two, also.

Okay, a semicolon is only used when the two parts of the sentence you are joining can stand as independent sentences. In most of your cases, they don't.


Incorrect capitalization.

Undergraduate / Becoming a nurse to benefit others - USC Essay, in need of revision [5]


Great first paragraph, but the ending seemed weird.
So you used the second person for any/every nurse? I'm sorry, but I'm can't seem to express what I think is wrong with the ending.

Anyway, the second paragraph could start with a better transition.

I think this should be a colon instead of the semicolon:
I was amazed by everything: the hospital, the doctor, the blood counts, the nurse.

Now that I've read the whole essay, the first paragraph seems really detached from the rest.

Writing Feedback / EFFECTS OF INDUSTRIALIZATION TO ENVIRONMENT AND ECONOMY [7]


Whoa! I first took this literally, and the sentence didn't make any sense. Now that I've read it again, I can see it's a metaphor -- a good one.


Many people say that the improvement of major industries all over the world has significantly boosted economic performance.


I didn't understand this. Is that another metaphor? That would be one too many.

Here you need a semicolon
Until one stormy day, it just came to life from hills attacking the roads; since its flowing waters cannot be stopped, people suffered although no one was hurt.


You introduced a new idea in the end. Don't do that. A conclusion should generally sum up the points made in the essay -- not introduce new ones.

Undergraduate / UNC Essay - How I Express My Inner World [7]

Hello Addison!!

I agree with Mark. Your writing is excellent and quite poetic!

However, this is an admissions essay, and sometimes such a style can make the essay slightly abstract. I don't know if you intended it to be that way, but your essay seemed like one big metaphor to me. Consequently, I found it hard to follow the actual theme in some places.

I hate to see you rewrite this essay because it is really beautiful. Nevertheless, I'm not sure how effective it will be for an admission purpose.

Writing Feedback / Factors contributing to job satisfaction of adults at work [6]

I once wrote an essay on this topic. Click on my username and find it. It may give you some ideas.

Undergraduate / About diversity and my empathy for others - Supplemental Essay on Diversity Question [7]


Yes, you're right. Since you say in the next sentence that you developed that quality, so it would be slightly contradictory to say the word innate.

Inherent is definitely better.

Graduate / SOP for Phd in Aerospace Engineering [Hypersonic Flows] [7]


Since this essay is on fluid mechanics and applications, it would be better if you explain your training experience a bit more. There are a lot of applications of the principles of fluid mechanics in die casting and furnaces. Can you point out some?


How?


This is some clichéd flattery. Avoid this.

Good essay, Rohit! Quite impressive!

Undergraduate / About diversity and my empathy for others - Supplemental Essay on Diversity Question [7]

Cool opening sentence, Frick!!


Awkward sentence.
My version:
It is through these experiences that we become unique.
or
These experiences are which make each of us unique.

An aspect of my uniqueness is my empathy for others and the innate ability to be disarming.

Writing Feedback / Factors contributing to job satisfaction of adults at work [6]

As it is commonly understood, job satisfaction plays a significant role in everyone's life somewhat . This can be easily seen while focusing on what types of benefits employees received byfrom their organizations. It is believed that a variety of factors exert a great influence on job satisfaction. This will be proved by taking into account several aspects that appear to be extremely relevant when it comes to expectations and stability.

Firstly, job satisfaction appears to confirm that employees are likely to become more productive and competent while working a certain number of hours instead of working full time job. As an example, workers whose main duties are related to jobs where thinking is paramount such as air controllers or pilots, are far much more effective than those ones whose jobs require them to stay long hours uninterruptedly. Therefore, the latter ones are unlikely to have job satisfaction and their expectations about it are simply unthinkable.

(What do you mean to say, that people working in desk jobs are unlikely to have job satisfaction and are generally ineffective? Do you think such an argument has any logical standing? If this is not what you meant, I suggest you read this paragraph out loud to yourself, and think whether whatever you've written is actually what you wanted to write)

Secondly, by liaising with an international environment, you have the oppotunity to expand your knowledge and achieve those expectations that most employees have some time in their lifes. For instante, to get promoted to another country may be soemthing you have been so much working for and fulfills your job satisfaction. It is driven in no small part by our own yearnings and aspirations to get ahead in life and consecuqntly it is a way to partly get that desirable job satisfaction. (Again I'm not sure of your meaning. Do you mean to say that international assignments lead to job satisfaction? Again this is easily refutable. Don't make arguments that can be easily refuted. You should think before you write)

To conclude, those much cited examples give us a plausible explanation about what some job satisfactions looks like and it can be found in so many different ways where enjoyment always has to be the core of our results.

Use a spell checker and see where you have made spelling mistakes.

Undergraduate / "Through My Lens" Common App Essay [3]


I think it should be visual. Visually is an adverb, whereas in this sentence you need an adjective.
I'm not sure though.


I think these two sentences should be in a single sentence, because the second one looks like a sentence fragment.


This is all fine, but it would be better if you pick one of the experiences and describe it in detail. Describe it in such a way that shows your love for film making. Right now you sound more like a poet than a film maker.


You said more or less the same things in the second paragraph.

The conclusion suffers from the same problem.

Scholarship / My Biographical Essay for QuestBridge: my vision will become my reality [3]


What do you mean in the highlighted part? In what context are you using the word stronger? What aspect of your personality do you discipline?


I think the paragraph ends on a better note if you leave out this sentence.
If you do remove it, change the first sentence of the next paragraph accordingly.

There waswere twelve people living in her trailer; it was chaotic. --- note that I replaced the comma with a semicolon

ShaKayla, I'm not sure if I identified your theme correctly. First, you talked about the uniqueness of your attitude towards life. You followed it up by describing some experiences. However, I couldn't see how those things are connected. In the fourth and the fifth paragraphs, you went back to the initial premise. That's why I couldn't identify a single unifying theme.

So what's your theme?

Writing Feedback / The co-workers should believe in fellowship. Some important characteristics of a co-worker - Toefl [5]

Hi Suven!

I have some reservations about some of the content.

In the second paragraph, your topic sentence is about cooperation, but your example doesn't explain a lot about cooperation. It is clear from the example that your co-worker was inconsiderate. While being inconsiderate is one of the indications of an uncooperative behavior, it doesn't necessarily imply that a person is uncooperative.

Make that distinction between inconsiderate and uncooperative.

I think your essay should have a concluding paragraph. Since this is a TOEFL essay, it is better to stick with the popular conventions of English writing.

Graduate / "Part of the Solution"--Peace Corp Application Essay #1 [14]


Ok, cool!! :)


If you post a new draft, then I'll definitely take another look.

Graduate / "Part of the Fenway Family"--Peace Corps Application Essay #2 [18]


Oh...right...haha...
Waft is also used in other, and more pleasant, scenarios. But you already know that.

Graduate / "Part of the Solution"--Peace Corp Application Essay #1 [14]


I guessed so, but don't you think it would be better if you add a sentence to explain it a bit? After all, this is not an academic essay where you are sure that the readers will be already aware of all the technical terms.

^^^Just some food for thought :)

Graduate / "Part of the Solution"--Peace Corp Application Essay #1 [14]


Maybe I'm missing something, but I still don't get what you mean by journey and research. How are you discovering yourself? What do you mean by identity development? I think you should follow up those sentences with one explanatory sentence.

When you mention journey, you should also mention path.
For example, a philanthropist takes the path of philanthropy in the journey towards salvation.
^^^What a lame sentence!!! hahaha

Anyway, if you disagree, you can ignore all that I've said. I was just talking about what your essay made me think. I wanted to show that all readers may not get the meaning you intend to portray. Of course, the selection committee will comprise of far better readers than I am.

Your essay is great already.

Graduate / "Part of the Solution"--Peace Corp Application Essay #1 [14]

Hi again, Kayla!

Some of my thoughts...


These sentences seemed slightly vague to me. You didn't explain what journey you took or what research you did.

Surpassing the "us" and "them" mentality, I am willing to make the commitment to live and work abroad while exchanging stories and skills with the local residents.

Word missing:
I pride myself in my ability to maintain a positive and professional (???) of myself and others,


I don't like the word "discovered" in this context. It's as if you are saying that you never knew of Peace Corps earlier.

I think it should be something like: Before I learned about...
It tones down the meaning.

I love your writing style. It's so fluid.

Graduate / "Part of the Fenway Family"--Peace Corps Application Essay #2 [18]


Yeah, it's like Kevin says, when he is quoting Stephen King or someone else that "wait for the waft of inspiration."

By the way, look out for Kevin's review. He will definitely give you something different.

Graduate / "Part of the Fenway Family"--Peace Corps Application Essay #2 [18]


Yes, that's a good point. I didn't think about that.