Unanswered [17] | Urgent [0]

Posts by rajeshaaidu
Joined: Jul 20, 2010
Last Post: Jan 25, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 31  

From: India

Displayed posts: 33
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Jan 25, 2011
Undergraduate / "travel companions" - Essay for admission to SIBM, Pune (India) [3]

Dear Raju,

It's vague. Try to develope something interesting. You have wasted too many words in telling things that are not necessary (especially first half). I think, in 300 words you can't afford to do that.

Thanks and best of luck!!!
Jan 11, 2011
Graduate / Cancer research, DNA - PhD essay... writing goals is the toughest part [3]

Dear Antony,
Your name doesn't look like an Indian given name. From which country you are? Anyway, try making these changes, and check your full essay for punctuation. I am giving you few example below-

Comma splice and run-on- But the death of three study patients within 45 days of my internship, opened my eyes to the fatality of the disease and how important it is to work towards eradicating it.

numerical data; But but the (I think in one more place after comma you have done capitalization, please rectify that also).

I worked in the syrup section, ointment/cream section, cosmetics, mother tincture and dilutions. It's better instead of this sentence describe the nature of the job that you have done there.

From the exposure to the commercial set up I learnt how research ultimately benefits human beings.
While working there I realized how reaserech ultimately benefits human beings.
I clearly understand that in order to pursue my passion to contribute towards cancer research, it is imperative to have sound knowledge about molecular processes in the cell. the molecular processes of the cellls.

Thus, I wish to explore the possibility of targeting hydrophilic enzymes such as RAD17. RAD17 , which plays a crucial role in arresting cell division, following DNA damage.

Overall content of the essay is good, but you need to work on the punctuation and consistency of the sentences.

Thanks and Best of luck!!!
Jan 11, 2011
Graduate / Statememt of Purpose for IRB-Barcelona PhD fellowship [2]

Dear Haris,

It's poorly drafted. It's better first you give me flow chart stating what you have discussed in which para. You are having 8 para, so let me know how one para is connected to the other para in the term of idea. In addition to that let us know-

In each para, what is your central point of discussion? By reading full essay only two thing is clear to me- 1)You want to do a PhD in Diabetes, and 2) You have done your project in Diabetes.

Otherwise, it's very difficult to give any comment.

Dec 27, 2010
Graduate / SOP for German University - Master of Computer Science Smart Systems [5]

Dear Zaalishvilli,

On the matter of length, it depends, many a time if they have told 600 words, and you have to upload it- it's possible that you will not be allowed to upload anything more than 600 words. So, please check it first.

First paragraph is having diction problem, please try rectifying it- A 7th class kid is not suppose to have that much thinking, how much you have written in your retrospect. I think your parents have kept private tutor and you have started learning and at that time. It's better if you will discuss- what has fascinated you from your past experience. You still need to work on flow of your writing.

Thanks and best of luck!!!
Dec 27, 2010
Graduate / "Food Process Engineering" - Personal Statement Critique (PhD) [3]

Dear Ravi,

I think, it's better you condense it. I will give you one example- You have mentioned all subjects which you have studied, but all those subjects will be mentioned on your transcript. Don't concentrate on length. You have written one para for the things which can be told in one line.

Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "I started swimming when I was 7" - influential person, Syracuse University [7]

Dear Pozzobon,

I think, in this type of writing you should be little bit cautious on the selection of role model, and you should try to avoid your parents as your role model even if they are because whatever you have written that applies to the 80% of the people across the globe. So, select a person for a specific reason and describe how they have changed your life or thinking. I would ask a question-

Tell me, whose mother don't use to be the same way as you have described? Except few exceptions most of the people will tell you same feelings for their mother. First, you read little bit about the selection of role model, and if then also you are ardent to use your parents as role model (there is no harm in doing that provided it should be specific and not general), it's better, you focus more on how she has affected your thinking.

Thanks and best of luck!!!
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "As an American Muslim I don't agree for some US policies" - unfair situation [3]

Dear Sana,

I think this is not the forum, where I can discuss about the merit and demerit of what you have written. But, I would like to draw you attention towards few things-

1) It's better you suffice your writing with few specific instances that you or somebody whom you know has faced. This will strengthen your viewpoint because on one hand you are criticizing media for this kind of publicity gimmicks against Muslims, but whatever you have written here is also based on the same.

2) Your view on the subject is very parochial and chauvinistic. This is very sensitive and controversial issue, so your writing should be backed up with few data and not on subjectivity.

3)Third, question that I would like to ask you- You have written that most of the people are intolerant and biased and they don't know about the Islam, but same question can be asked to you also, are Muslims aware of other religion and they are tolerant towards them. In every religion there are good and bad people. So, don't write general statement and be specific in your writing.

4) I am not anti-American or pro-American, but I would like to ask you do you think this is the problem only faced in America and not anywhere else. America has given many democrats on the world stage. Martin Luther King Jr. in his recent visit to India has told in his interview-

"If you don't understand the viewpoints of others that doesn't mean they are wrong."

So, I will tell that by defending any religion blindlessly, we use to create same mistake what others use to do by not understanding any religion. Nobody is having time to understand the religion and viewpoints of all other people, so only way is to follow your viewpoints and respect the viewpoints of others.

Few other changes that you can make to your essay-

Uses of comma- Muslims are given the rare opportunity to explain Islam, we are told that we as moderate Muslims are the minority, and that most Muslims are actually violent extremists.

Run on- women are actually jeopardized; they are discrim

Run-on and wrong use of comma-early age in schools; the textbooks are biased and have a lot of erroneous information.

The best that can done is tell the young generation The best that can be done is to tell the young generation

If you would like to discuss the content of your essay, then it's better you find me on facebook with name rajeshaaidu(India), and if grammatical mistakes I can help you here.

Dec 26, 2010
Graduate / "Interest in the social work profession" - my Masters in Social Work admission essay [2]

Dear Chelsey,
I think it's better not to use geneder bias language in your SOP. It's better if you can modify your this sentence because you are talking against some kind of bias that you would like to fight. But, the moment you are talking like this you are also creating same mistake of biasness, and it shows that you are not having a rational thinking on the issue. I would like to quote Gandhi, "Violence should not be fighted with violence." Now, it's your decision how you want to put yourself in the front of admission comitte.

It was through my education in Women's Studies that I learned about society through a feminist lens.

a social worker must encourage the client to want to make change is in their life by helping them understand their potential.

Volunteering as a YYY, I approached my foster child's case cases with sensitivity.

This whole paragraph is messed up, please try to recast it because meaning is not clear-

The differentiation is based on situational, cultural, ethnic diversity, and intellectual abilities. Volunteering as a YYY I approached my foster child's case with sensitivity. The more visits with her enabled me to assess that she always used aggression in problematic situations. I discerned that she would have angry moods following visits with her biological family. She was projecting anger as a defense mechanism to avoid pain or insecurity. I wanted her to acknowledge the way she dealt with anger towards others. I didn't want to blatantly address the issue in fear that she would put her guard up, so I instead indirectly asked questions of how she felt when seeing her biological family. As a result of making it comfortable for her to talk about what she felt, she began to understand that she was taking her anger and lack of self-confidence out on other people without realizing it.

I think you modify this sentence little bit-
I will dedicate every night of the school week to studying and completing assignments. Something like- I am ready to take the rigour of the course work.

I think overall your SOP is very good, but you need to address the counter-arguments that will come against your writing and it's bit too large.

Feel free to discuss your view points.

Dec 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "Entrepreneur is like a bestfriend" - letter of motivation to Hanze University [2]

Dear Lestari,

Sorry to say, but it's not upto the par. The flow of your writing is very poor. I think you need to follow few basics of writing-

1.Give one idea in one para.
2.Try starting with topic sentence and then go on explaining the things.
3.Befor starting to write, you first decide what all questions you want to answer and then write accordingly. This is the most time consuming step. Once you will be cleared with the questions, plan and design of your writing, your job will be very easy.

Once you will do these things then only somebody can help you with editing and proofreading.

Dec 23, 2010
Graduate / my clinical experience - speech language pathologist personal statement [3]

Dear Hazelton,
The flow of the sentences are not logical. If I am correct, in the first para you are addressing the question that why you decided to pursue your degree as a speech-language pathologist. First and second line is very good, but from third line the message is getting diverted. Again last line is good, but I think in last line little bit modification is needed-

Essentially, pursuing a graduate degree will provide an opportunity to expand my knowledge in a multitude of areas of speech-language pathology and it preapares me to make a greater impact in the lives of others.

As a whole, I think you still need to work on the flow of sentences or more appropriately logical flow. Overall it's good!!!
Dec 23, 2010
Graduate / My passion for making changes in the world (what I'm passionate about and why) [4]

Dear Tran,
Meaning of 3rd para is not clear. Please reframe it. I have tried making few other changes, please review it-

Growing up, having seen when I saw the immensity of this world and perceived my own limitations, many times I wondered wonders if my childhood dream is just a fancy imagination. I'm still looking for an answer, but I've also learned realized that "no good change is too small to make this world better".

s]Who am I if I'm no longer my past, and the present's "me" will not be the same in future? (Remove this line to achieve your word limitation; I think it's not needed)

Also, it's the fulfilling moments seeing the impacts ...
(Could you please tell what do you mean in the aforementioned paragraph, it's confusing.).

Everyone has her or his his or her (It's a matter of style of writing and not gender bias.) own influence to the world...

I may not take the path reach the distance the Wright'straveled traversed, but my passion is leading me on the right track to pursuit pursue my dream, I believe!

Dec 22, 2010
Writing Feedback / ielts essay: distance-learning vs. attending school in person [2]

Dear Ruan,

I think you can try to restructure your sentence like this because the second idea flows from the sentence preceding it-

Consequently, educational institutions are able to optimize costs by increasing teacher-student ratios. As a result of which, Thanks to the economical online-teaching, universities and colleges are able to offer grants forto the students who have outstanding academic achievements but are unable to attend schools because of their financial constrains.

Dec 22, 2010
Graduate / First education, statement--what background motivate you to pursue a graduate study [2]

Dear Han,

I grew up in a community where educational opportunities are especially lacking scarce or scanty. Both my parents did not got a chance to attend the university or were not able to attend the university go to formal universities in China . I was am the first one in from my family who received undergraduate education from formal an university. I got a have completed my bachelor degree, and am planning to go on for a graduate study.

Dear Friend,

I will tell you that please take help from some of your friend who is good at english to modify this essay because there is a lot of issue with this. I don't want to discourage you, and I appreciate your courage and determination, but you try your best from your side since everybody will be having limited time. After this you can send this to me on my personal mail(rajesh_aaidu@yahoo.co.in) or upload here and give me a reminder.

I am extremely sorry for giving this kind of harsh criticism.

Dec 21, 2010
Graduate / "My interest in planning" - Statement of Purpose - GA Tech [2]

Dear Norman,

I think there is no point in viewing this because you have to cut it short. It's character limit is 4000, whereas yours writing is well above 7000. Anyway-

If my colleagues and friends are to describe me in 3 words, most would depict me as intelligent, a team player and diverse versatile.

Dec 21, 2010
Scholarship / "WELL ROUNDED"; Courage to Grow Scholarship- Why I deserve this scholarship? [2]

Dear Silva,
You can try making these changes because it will not change the meaning of your writing after these changes also.

I have a good academic standing, numerous hours of community service, and good participation I am highly involved in clubs and sports on campus.

My father is an alcoholic and an avid user of crystal methamphetamine.

The chemicals in his body have led him to do terrible things to our family my family and I .

Please consider these suggestions also-
The police have been called numerous times to calm down or normalize alleviate the situation (Don't give preference to heavy words because it may not fit there)

For the past 4 years, I have committed myself to my schoolwork and extracurricular activities.

People recognize my drive and dedication, however, what they do not recognize is that I am a child of domestic violence. (Delete second comma in aforementioned sentence because however is not a parenthetical word here but it's used here as co-ordinating conjunction.)

Hope it helps!!!
Dec 21, 2010
Graduate / "When it comes to public health.." SOP for a master in health management and policies [4]

Dear David,

If possible please change the number 13 atleast in one position. It may be true, but it's sounding little bit artificial. I am suggesting few changes below, please consider it if you find any one of them appropriate.

After digging (working) into the health fields, I realize realized or have come to a realization that the implementation of an efficient health policy is the key solution.

Please don't use too many informal words. Try making the aforementioned sentence more formal.

Since the end of high school, I have made a resolution to assign my studies not only to make my living needs but also to dwindle the occurrence of such situation.

This sentence is having problem with diction. It looks like that you are taking resolution daily after your high school. I think, it will be better if you will use after in place of since.

I think you should elaborate little bit more on how your past experience fit to the program in which you are applying, and how it is going to help you in achieving your goal. In addition to this focus little bit more on what you would like to do there and what are the skills that you would like to acquire during this program or by the end of the program. While writing a SOP, please try to focus more on logos then pathos as a means of effective persuasion tool of writing. I can understand that emotions are very important, but I have done same mistake while writing my SOP a year back. So, you mention it but not in that much detail that it should cover all other aspect of your application.

I would like to read your SOP again. Please update me on my mail (rajesh_aaidu@yahoo.co.in)because I am not freqent user on essay forum.

Dec 21, 2010
Graduate / SOP for epidemiology PhD admission [4]

Dear Mark,
It's really well drafted, but I think you can still work on its punctuation, especially use of comma. Also check for the parallel construction.

I was interested in social science and history as much as in medicine

I would like to be involved in genetic epidemiologic research to elucidate the interaction of gene and environment in developing CVD

This may contribute to disease prevention and targeted intervention (Here, I think, This is already refering to targented intervention) in high-risk genetic subgroup populations that can be applied in the clinical or public health practice to prevent CVD in terms of personalized risk assessment.

It's really nice one. Now I am short of time, but I would like to read your essay few more times.

Dec 21, 2010
Undergraduate / "play rubik's cube at Johns Hopkins" -Johns Hopkins Supplement [3]

Dear Friend,

Dumi has done few very good changes. I think, last Para of your prompt is bit redundant, and you can try to cut it short because already you have mentioned that you want to play this game in the opening sentence itself. Try making it something powerful one-liner like-

The closeness of the Rubik to the real life problems solving skills makes it different from other games and instructive lessons learnt during this can help everyone in their future life.

I think you need to edit it a little more. First, you make your changes and then we will see for editing and proofreading.

Aug 27, 2010
Writing Feedback / No matter if it's original, more important is how useful is this idea for the people in a new way? [5]

Please give your comments and ways of improving, after reading. Please!!!! Thanks in advance.

Present your perspective on the issue below, using relevant reasons and/or examples to support your views.

originality vs usability

Topic: - "Originality does not mean thinking something that was never thought before; it means putting old ideas together in new ways."

Response: -

In most of the countries patents are granted on the basis of novelty. But, the most important question, which arises here, is what does it mean by novel. In most of the countries, patents are granted only if any idea is new and had never appeared anywhere in the past. But, few countries also grant a patent if something already exist and someone is able to modify it or put it in a new way, so that it can be more useful. So, we can see that the statement quoted above is contradictory and there is little bit confusion about the term novelty or originality itself.

Is originality means something that was never thought before or something old put together in a new way? Both of the things can be true in different circumstances. Ideas use to originate inside the human brain like fission reaction, never in isolation. So, most of the time, whatever original ideas that use to come to human brain and that has never been thought by anybody else in the past is inspired by some past action or already existing things. As it may be possible that many a time we use to observe a thing, but never thought about its use; like, everybody use to see the flow of water and wind but it was for sure an original idea to generate electricity from it. Same thing can be said about the deciphering of benzene structure. Structure of benzene was enigma for many decades for the scientists all around the world. But, Kekule has solved the benzene structure by deriving new idea from the movement of the snake, which doesn't mean that his idea was not original.

To understand it more precisely, we should understand the difference between the term invention and discovery: invention is to generate something new with the help of existing materials in the nature, which use to have a new form and new use for the first time; whereas, discovery is to bring to the notice of all the people, something already existing in the nature in the same form. We can cite the example of many discoveries in this category. Like, discovery of American continent by Christopher Columbus. But, sometimes there is wafer thin line between the term discovery and invention, like, discovery of Penicillin. People knew about the use of antibiotics in European folk medicine, but only after the serendipitous discovery by Alexander Fleming, it was popularized and put to widespread medicinal use by Florey and Chain. This kind of situation will lead to a grueling long debate that it was a discovery or an invention.

So, while discussing the originality of any idea, it's better, we should restrict ourselves to only inventions. Now, this invention can be broadly categorized into two groups, one is the things which has never been thought or existed and other is like which has existed and now it has been modified in a way that it has become more useful. Mobile has been invented, but can we categorize it as original idea. In a way, we can say that mobile is nothing but improvement over the existing telephone. Same thing can be said about the motorbike, it's nothing but improvement over bicycle. So, we can say that, it's not that idea has been thought before or not, or putting of old ideas in a new ways should be used to define the originality of an idea, but how the ideas have been put to the use of the people should be the main criteria for defining the originality of the idea.

In conclusion, it can be said that as a measure of the originality of any idea, we should not see that it has been thought before or not, or it's just the modification of the old ideas, but it should be decided on the basis of, "How much useful it's for the people in a new way?" As the old adage goes, "Need is the mother of all invention," We should see how much originality of any idea is able to fulfill this need. So, both, something that was never thought before or putting old ideas together in new ways can qualify for the original ideas.
Aug 2, 2010
Writing Feedback / GRE (argument): Recommendation to change the marketing style of a company [11]

Dear Kevin,

I think revert back is correct. You are right that meaning of both the words are same, but only when revert and back both are used as intransitive verbs. But, I think here revert is an intransitive verb and back is used as an adverb. So, revert back is correct.

Jul 28, 2010
Writing Feedback / GRE Essay:- "Laws should not be rigid or fixed. Instead, they should be flexible [6]

Dear Hussain,

First of all, I would like to thank you for your time and valuable comments. Now, I would like to make few points about the essay. As you have mentioned that I have given contradictory examples, I think, if you have got it in that way then it's right. I have not defended the issue raised by the topic fully, but only partially. Do you think it's necessary to argue against or in the favor of any issue? I have put my perspective on the issue, which is that, law can't be changed on case to case basis, so it has to be rigid; but if needed, it can be changed when it worn out with time.

Another point raised by you is that I have committed grammatical mistakes. Maybe! That's true I am not so good at grammar and trying my level best to rectify it, but you can understand that it will take some time. Please help me to find out those mistakes. I will really appreciate your help in this regard. I know it's too much help to ask for, but please help me with the proofreading of this essay.

Thanks and regard,
Jul 28, 2010
Writing Feedback / GRE Essay:- "Laws should not be rigid or fixed. Instead, they should be flexible [6]

Present your perspective on the issue below, using relevant reasons and/or examples to support your views. Please give your valuable feedback on my essay. I would be really thankful to you for your comments and suggestion.

Topic: - "Laws should not be rigid or fixed. Instead, they should be flexible enough to take account of various circumstances, times, and places."

Response: -

According to the law of ecology- intraspecies competition is always fiercer than interspecies competition. And, as we human being are fighting for the same resources to use; so definitely, there will be contradiction and clash for using these resources. These fighting and clash should not go to the extent where we should kill each other or harm each-other, there should be some guiding principle by which we should compete against, not only each other, but, also against the other species of this planet. Here comes the word 'law'. Law can be defined as, "specific set of rules made by people for the proper functioning of the society, community, state, country, and as a whole whatever is in interaction of the human being." The question raised by the issue topic that law should be not rigid but flexible enough to take account of various circumstances, times, and places seems reasonable on long time scale but not for a short time scale.

What is the purpose of making any law? I think, its purpose is not to punish anybody but to deter others from doing same kind of mistakes again. Keeping the basic purpose of the law in mind the basic assumption made by abovementioned phrases seems to be true that law should be flexible enough to take into account various circumstances, times, and places. But, if we will consider few examples as per say issue of capital punishment in various circumstances, we have to reconsider the assumption made by the abovementioned phrase. Like, there was one case in Kolkata few years back in which watchman of a building has raped and killed a 10year girl. Later he was given death sentence for this crime. In another case a men has killed another person while saving his life. But, he was acquitted. In the light of above mentioned example two questions can be asked-

1. Why there is different punishment for the same type of crime?
2. Is it always possible to prove that man has killed another person while saving his life or just for some other reason and now he is trying to defend himself?

The answer to the second question is clear- No! So, law tries to be flexible and consider all the circumstances under which a crime has been committed but it's not always easy to take these circumstances into account. This is the reason why law can't be flexible on case-to-case basis because by doing so we will be taking more number of wrong decisions than right decisions.

But, now we need to consider flexibility of any law on long time scale. As I have mentioned in the first paragraph that law is nothing but specific set of rules made by human being for the proper functioning of the society. And, as we know that people requirement and need of the society use to change with time, law has to also change with time. We can take a very simple example of hunting the wild animals. In earlier days humans were dependent on these animals for their food. But, as now, our major requirements of food are meet by other sources there is absolutely no need to hunt these animals. So, in this situation definitely rules need to be changed, and as we can see in most of the countries, hunting has been banned. Another example of this kind of change, which is in progress at present, is change in the rule of same sex marriage, which is still not allowed in many countries. Law should also take into account places in which it should be implemented. I would like to present a very simple example to support this point. Sell of liquor is banned in many countries but we have to reconsider our this law in places where temperature use to go very low and you need to take liquor to keep yourself warm and alive.

In conclusion, we can say that law should try to consider various circumstances, times, and places while taking any decision but on the same time it should not vary from person to person. Same law should apply to all for the same type of mistake. It should not be person dependent. On other hand, if any law is becoming outdated with time and place than it should be changed with the consensus of the majority.
Jul 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Unforgettable Golf Game" - UF Prompt [8]

Dear Kim,

I think you are right. You wrote too much about your experience. So, it's a good idea to focus on the second part of your suggestion.

Thanks and regard,
Jul 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Unforgettable Golf Game" - UF Prompt [8]

Dear Kim,

To comment on your writing, I need few more information. Please mention for what course and which grade you are applying for. Another thing that you have to keep in mind while writing is that what is the purpose of the writing and why college wants an essay from you. What they want to judge from your writing?

Thanks and regard,
Jul 23, 2010
Writing Feedback / Kalinese artists (GRE argument) [3]

Dear Rajveer,

Well done! You have got most of the point right, and you have been also able to put it in almost correct form. But, one problem that I find with your writing is that you have changed paragraph without any reason. If you are developing one thought; give it in one paragraph. Another problem is that your paragraphs are not related to each other. This shows that you have not done sufficient proofreading after completing the essay. I am giving few points below:-

The author has referred to some important discoveries in this (his or above mentioned) argument.
But the inferences, which he/she has made, are seriously flawed.
But, the inferences, which he has made, are seriously flawed.

Second paragraph has started without any connection with the first. You can try something like this-
The author assumption that the ancient Kalinese artists used molds of actual bodies, not sculpting tools and techniques, to create their art, on the ground that archeologists have recently discovered molds of human heads and hands on kali looks flawed mainly on these ground______. Now, mention your points.

Your third paragraph will go with second one, since it does not qualify as a separate idea, but you are trying to argue against the same contradiction, by putting another point.

You can also argue against this assumption of the author-
It also explains why few ancient Kalinese sculpting tools have been found.

Jul 22, 2010
Writing Feedback / The Benefits of Televising Government Proceedings. [4]

Dear _______??

First mistake that you have committed while writing your essay is that you have not followed any form or structure. Because of which, you have not been able to translate your ideas into words. I can understand that you are having very less time left for practice, but you can try my notes, which I have prepared while preparing for the GRE. You are not having much time left, so don't concentrate on writing on many topics, instead try to get the elementary principle of composition right. Don't worry about ideas, they will pop up in your brain during examination, but you should be able to put your ideas in a better way on the paper.

I will not put the whole notes here. Please send a mail to me on rajesh_aaidu@yahoo.co.in and give a reminder, because I don't use to check mail often. If possible please put your name!!!

Best wishes,
Jul 20, 2010
Undergraduate / 'Aspirations Never Die' - Statement of Purpose for PhD in computer Networking [10]

Dear Aziz,

I think it will be more clearer sentence if you will add that in between preparation and I, because it's better to present it as restrictive sentence.

The background preparation I have made, my research interests, and career goals are enlisted in the sections that follow.

In early age, I realized, I had

Use comma properly. On many places you have missed it out, especially, wherever you have used which. Try to find out, what is difference between restrictive clause and non restrictive clause, then your this problem will be solved.

Another thing, it's too big. Try removing too many technical details and concentrate on what you want to tell. It's good that you have made it big. So, now you are having lot of opportunity to round it off to somewhere around 1000 words or so.

Best of luck, for your future.

Jul 20, 2010
Writing Feedback / GRE (argument): Comparison of two cars [10]

Dear Hussain,

I think you should not take such a hard liner attitude on the topic. In critical reasoning questions try to avoid your own thoughts, use it for only proving your points. Try to concentrate on analyzing the issue and not giving too many comments. Try to develop your thoughts slowly and only towards the end of the essay give your verdict. Almost similar point Kevin has pointed out. Another problem that I find with your essay is of mannerism i.e., try to use some variation of the term flaw instead of using it so frequently. In third paragraph you are unable to make yourself clear. So, please read it aloud to yourself and try to modify it. No doubt, you have got almost all the contradiction right in the argument but try to develop it in a better way. For this read instruction of GRE to answer the argument section and try to get some suggestion from books on this topic. In these books, read, how to answer the argument essay. You can read sample essay by downloading, "An introduction to the analytical writting section of the GRE general test." from ETS website.

Best wishes,
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