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Posts by rayban11
Joined: Jul 28, 2010
Last Post: Dec 28, 2010
Threads: 7
Posts: 24  


Displayed posts: 31
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rayban11   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS" personal statement for common app [7]

i really like it as well! the introduction really hooked me. i didn't know where you going with the essay at first but i think it's a very catchy intro. i think you do a good job of showing your personality throughout the essay. i like the dialogue. good job!
rayban11   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "I can't, I'm Mormon" - extracurricular activities [6]

prepare a speech of the cuff

shouldn't it be "off the cuff" instead of "of the cuff"

overall, i like the idea of the essay. i think it's pretty original. i like the introduction. i must say i was a little skeptical when i first saw the title of your post, but i actually liked the essay after i read the whole thing. good job!
rayban11   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "that real-world element" - why is stanford a good match for you [3]

thank you very much! i can't believe i made all those grammatical/usage mistakes. i also realized that i wrote adam's smith instead of adam smith's. haha so embarrassing. sorry, i'm really sleep deprived these few days :)
rayban11   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "that real-world element" - why is stanford a good match for you [3]

please be as critical as possible! the more critical, the better :)

Tell us what makes Stanford a good place for you. (250 words/1800 characters)
I first read Adam's Smith Wealth of Nations when I was ten, and my subscription to The Economist began when I was twelve. However, at that time, I had no idea what I was reading. I didn't know the difference between deflation and disinflation or between mutual funds and hedge funds. More importantly though, it lacked context for me. I couldn't relate to the text. To me, it was simply a massive compilation of jargon based on even more abstruse theory. It was meaningless for me.

One of the most important elements I am looking for in my undergraduate experience is the opportunity to apply the knowledge I am learning to the real world. Being able to attend lectures of world-renowned professors is a privilege, but it is not enough. Even though they can probably articulate the theory better than anyone else, it's pointless unless I can understand it and apply it later on. Therefore, I have to build my own context. At Stanford, whether it is a grant to study the current health care reform at SIEPR or an semester spent interning in D.C., I will be able to explore the theory outside of the classroom. Not only will I have access to a unparalleled faculty, but I also have the opportunity to apply the theory to solve real-world problems. Although I realize that much of public policy rely on theory, Stanford uniquely incorporates that real-world element that I am looking for. Although I must create meaning for myself, there's no better place to assist me than Stanford.
rayban11   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "School literary magazine" - Extracurricular short answer [4]

i would change "lit mag" to literary magazine.

overall, i think its a great piece and i think it's adorable you used "hope u lovett" it really makes your personality spark. however, i would focus a little bit more on the details. make it more engaging. show, not tell :)
rayban11   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "China was a foreign country to me" - Rice Perspective Essay [6]

i relate as well but seriously? "Where was the world-renowned wealth from manufacturing?"
did you seriously imagine china as filled with gold-paved streets and luxury? that sounds a little unreal...especially coming from someone who's chinese
rayban11   
Dec 27, 2010
Grammar, Usage / "The" - quick question on capitalization [6]

At The Morrison Institute for Population and Resource Studies, I want to further explore both the economic and social consequences of this potential change.

should "The" be capitalized or should "the" be all lowercase? thanks! and if possible, can you provide an explanation why?
rayban11   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / Stanford engaging idea: patient capitalism [3]

*founder instead of found (or am i misreading it?)

that occurs where the market has failed
*when instead of where

provides and opportunity
*an opportunity

Passionate about addressing the concerns of society, I believe the model of patient capital offers a potential solution to support the world's most destitute citizens

(show not tell)

I think overall you provide a very compelling argument and the admission officers will clearly see a very intelligent individual. However, two things I would suggest is 1) perhaps make it more personal and 2) use your own vocabulary! I feel like some of the words are there to impress and you use it well, but I would recommend toning down on the vocab. Otherwise, great piece!
rayban11   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "two guilty pleasures: baking and 90's sitcoms" - roommate essay [7]

littlechef, thank you for your comments! what do you mean by "by focusing on baking alone, you truly demonstrate your character"? do you mean that in a good way or a bad way? can you please be a little more specific. thanks again!
rayban11   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "two guilty pleasures: baking and 90's sitcoms" - roommate essay [7]

Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better. (250 words/1800 characters)

My two guilty pleasures? Baking and 90's sitcoms. It is the perfect combination for a cozy Saturday night spent with a couple of my best friends. While reruns of Friends or Everybody Loves Raymond play in the background, we are busy making chai snickerdoodle cookies or trying to find a "healthy" alternative to white chocolate bark. It is simple, nothing fancy, but for those few hours, all we have to worry about is making sure that we are not so engrossed with the TV that we forget about the timer that rang ten minutes ago!

I am a little embarrassed to admit this, but until last year, puppy chow was about the only item I could make from scratch. At our school, birthdays are celebrated with trays and trays of baked goods, but there is an unofficial rule that all items must be homemade. However, because I decided to forgo puppy chow as one of my New Year's resolutions, I began to experiment with a little more complicated but still fail-proof recipes. I am proud to say that I have now mastered Oreo truffle balls and peanut butter fudge. I am still working on the vanilla sponge cake, but I am getting there!

By the time I meet you, hopefully I will be able to have a more extensive menu. Let me know whether you prefer chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry though so I can prepare it for our first late night TV date. I will even let you pick the season, but if you have never seen Will and Grace before, I will catch you right up. While we enjoy a few episodes and maybe do a recipe exchange, I cannot wait to learn more about you!
rayban11   
Sep 18, 2010
Graduate / "Part of the Solution"--Peace Corp Application Essay #1 [14]

kaybee, yes that is the one! but i warn ahead of time that my essay pales in comparison to yours!

thank you so much for your wonderful essay, it was really inspiring to me. normally, i feel like these prompts are very cliche, but i really felt like you meant it and that you really care. i dont know what it is from your essay that makes me feel that way, but i really feel your sincerity. best of luck!
rayban11   
Sep 18, 2010
Graduate / "Part of the Solution"--Peace Corp Application Essay #1 [14]

kayla, this is absolutely wonderful! sorry if this sounds weird but i read your commentary on another poster's essay, and i actually clicked on your name to see if i could somehow contact you/send you a message for you to offer some advice on one of my college short answers. anyways, i came upon this essay of yours, and i agree with kevin, i love this sentence "As my knowledge about the experiences

and struggles of others increased, so did my realization about the privileges I have been
bestowed." i think this is so beautifully phrased and i couldnt agree more with your insight. good luck in being admitted to the peace corps! you seem like a wonderful person :)
rayban11   
Sep 12, 2010
Undergraduate / "trying and learning new things" - Personality Trait [9]

i just reread my second response again and a concern i have is that it doesnt address "personality trait" part of the question enough. i address it basically in the last 2-3 sentences, but is it enough? can someone please offer any suggestions or advice? thanks again!
rayban11   
Sep 11, 2010
Undergraduate / "trying and learning new things" - Personality Trait [9]

I revamped the essay A LOT. I decided to take out the entire first paragraph and just focus on the second part. Can someone please reread and offer suggestions? I'm a little worried the new draft may seem boring. It focuses on one specific instance about a math problem... It's a little under the 250 limit right now.
rayban11   
Sep 7, 2010
Undergraduate / "trying and learning new things" - Personality Trait [9]

patricia and kgb, thank you for pointing that out! i think i realized that subconsciously but i kind of just ignored the problem. how would i be able to better focus it though? are there any specific ideas/phrases that should be removed?

and by the way, is it okay to refer to mean girls? i know people often say not to reference popular culture.

one more thing, please note that there is a 250 word limit. it's at/very close to the max right now, so for me to add more things, i need to remove them first. any advice would be greatly appreciated :)
rayban11   
Sep 6, 2010
Undergraduate / "trying and learning new things" - Personality Trait [9]

What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, effective leadership, sense of humor, integrity, or anything else you'd like to tell us about. (200-250 words)

Long before Mean Girls immortalized the saying, my grandmother would always remind me that "the limit does not exist!" Ever since I was little, I've enjoyed challenging myself to step out of my comfort zone and attempt things that a prudent person would normally avoid. My mom blames it on my curiosity, and I couldn't agree more. I especially remember this tattered but intimidating 3 by 4 inch book that my dad had. Every once in a while, he would give me a problem out of it and simply told me to experiment with it. I remember toiling for hours and hours on the Seven Bridges of Konigsberg problem, and trial and error convinced me that there was no solution. My dad refused to tell me whether I was right or wrong but simply asked me for a explanation. Any sane person would have given up, but I was too curious to admit defeat. I remember listing all the math formulas and concepts I had learned since first grade, but my five years of elementary-school math unfortunately didn't rise to the occasion that day. In the end, I still couldn't figure out the solution by myself, but I gave my best effort. Over the years, my curiosity has probably deprived me of quite a few hours of sleep, but it also motivates me and excites me. I cannot wait for the puzzles and adventures it will lead me to at MIT. (242 words)
rayban11   
Sep 5, 2010
Undergraduate / "volunteering in a prominent local hospital," 150 WORDS COMMON APP ESSAY [12]

I think your writing is great, but maybe reconsider your conclusion. I think the best advice I've heard about writing college essays is that your best friend should be able to pick out your essay from a group of random essays. Maybe try to incorporate more of your voice?
rayban11   
Sep 5, 2010
Undergraduate / Strong sense of obstinacy best describes me. MIT [9]

I'm writing the same topic as you are right now, and I choose curiosity as well haha. I think that's going to be a really popular topic. My only concern is that it will become a little trite. I'm guilty myself, but maybe try to reconsider or incorporate some other element? Just my humble two cents :)
rayban11   
Aug 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Sibling Class" - Something you do for the pleasure of it [9]

I agree with you Michael! I've been trying to find a better word to replace "doing," but I don't want to insert a word and have it seem like I just found it out of a thesaurus.

And Kevin, I agree with you too. I deleted the myself because that is a little repetitive, but I'm not sure what's the best way to combine "innocent" and "adorable." Right now, I have "and" but that sounds a little awkward as well...
rayban11   
Aug 29, 2010
Undergraduate / What department? - "the opportunity to solve real-world problems" [3]

Although you may not yet know what you want to major in, which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why? (100 words)

As much as I am fascinated by Adam's Smith Invisible Hand phenomenon or Frederick Taylor's experiments with shovel efficiency, I don't want to spend four years studying only abstract theory. I also want to apply that knowledge to find solutions and to help people. While I am eager to participate in seminars that discuss various economic anomalies, I crave even more the opportunity to solve real-world problems under the guidance of Professor Esther Duflo. Because of the unique combination of the theoretical with the practical, a dual major in Course 14 and 15 really appeals to me.

Please be as critical/honest/blunt as possible. Thanks!!
rayban11   
Aug 29, 2010
Undergraduate / Stanford Roomate Supps: Want to go eat? [8]

this is definitely an unique idea, and i think it is pretty well written. maybe adjust it a bit so the transitions are smoother, but overall, great essay!
rayban11   
Aug 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Sibling Class" - Something you do for the pleasure of it [9]

Thank you for the comments. I really agree with what you said. Does this make more sense?

At our local hospital, Sibling Class is a program run by teenagers to help little kids adjust to the arrival of a new sibling. The kids are usually ten and under, but our favorites tend to be the youngest ones, who ask the most innocent yet adorable questions. Although we have a lesson plan to complete, the most rewarding part is doing drills with them, such as teaching them how to hold a baby or change diapers. As an only child myself, I never had the opportunity to experience any of this myself, so this has special significance for me.
rayban11   
Aug 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Sibling Class" - Something you do for the pleasure of it [9]

We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (100 words)

At our local hospital, Sibling Class is a program run by teenagers to help little kids adjust to the arrival of a new sibling. The kids are usually ten and under, but our favorites tend to be the youngest ones, who ask the most innocent but adorable questions. We have a lesson plan to complete, but the best part is doing drills with them, such as teaching them how to hold a baby or change diapers. As an only child, I never experienced any of this myself, so it has been really special for me to be a part of this.

Please be as critical as possible. I really appreciate bluntness/honesty. Thank you!
rayban11   
Aug 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "The soloist" - Something important that didn't go according to plan [11]

Is this one of the MIT short answer questions? I think your piece is well-written, but maybe try to be a little more specific about its impact on you? I think you answer the first part of the question very well, but maybe focus on "How did you manage the situation?"

Just my two cents :)
rayban11   
Aug 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "The road to college as a psychologist" - stanford essay: why a good fit [12]

It's in back in sunny California and close to the cultural center of San Francisco.

what are you trying to convey here? this sentence doesn't make sense...

My therapist was jocular as well as understanding.
jocular seems out of place. it seems like you used the thesaurus to replace another word, so perhaps maybe reconsider?

overall, great essay! just be yourself!
rayban11   
Aug 1, 2010
Undergraduate / Essay: Randy Pausch, Someone Important to You [7]

Thank you for the advice Kevin! I REALLY appreciate it when others point out the flaws they see because that's the only way I can improve. Thank you so much! I appreciate it. :)

However, I have an overall concern about this essay. I'm just worried it doesn't reveal enough about me as a person. I tried to phrase my sentences, etc. and add thoughts, etc. to help the college understand me, but I'm afraid that I'm wasting space with the 2nd/3rd paragraphs because it doesn't reveal much about me as a person. Does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks!!
rayban11   
Jul 29, 2010
Undergraduate / Essay: Randy Pausch, Someone Important to You [7]

Thank you so much for the advice. I agree completely with both of you, and I have had similar problems before. I'll edit and repost soon!
rayban11   
Jul 28, 2010
Undergraduate / Essay: Randy Pausch, Someone Important to You [7]

Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

I've never met him, he doesn't know that I exist, and even the most reckless junk-bond investors would hesitate to bet on any ties between us. Perhaps, the six degrees of separation provides the only link between us. But nevertheless, he challenged me.

A couple summers ago, to pass time, I was browsing Youtube and came upon a clip titled "time management," that is if a seventy five-minute long segment can really be considered a clip. And sure, I had three months to myself and was rather bored at the moment. But did i seriously want to embark upon an hour-long commitment to hear some professor advise me on how to better utilize my time? Considering that my aim was to find a quick laugh, it wasn't the most appealing choice. Nevertheless, I decided to give it a chance; it had near a million views, and the ratings were far superior than what I had expected, so why not?

While waiting for the video to load, I convinced myself to keep an open mind. Truthfully though, I probably wished for the video to become so overwhelmingly unbearable that I could justify closing it without feeling I had prematurely aborted something of value. However, as he began his lecture, I couldn't help but laugh. And no, it wasn't the type of nervous laughter evoked out of pity for the poor guy, but rather it was spontaneous and spurred me to think. I admit that I'm guilty of stereotyping, but normally you don't expect a Carnegie Mellon production or a computer science professor to be quite so witty. But then, like the sudden road block that appears before you, requiring you to swerve and apply emergency brakes, he revealed that he had pancreatic cancer, an impeding death sentence to be executed in less than a year.

As he continued his presentation, I admit that I had somehow forgot about his terminal illness. Besides the immediate shock that occupied my mind when he first revealed this, his composure and passion stripped us of any opportunity to pity or commiserate him. Although he is a far more eligible candidate than most for throwing a pity fest, he simply refused.

Even though there are probably even more inspirational speakers in this world than aspiring celebrities, he had an unique effect on me. It was as if he placed me on a mechanical bull, jolted me around until i became completely disoriented, led me to suffer a painfully humiliating fall, but in the midst of this, sparked an epiphany in me. I realized that whenever we encounter an obstacle, it seems as if all we are capable of doing is magnifying the problem until everyone we know dwells in our misery as well. As the saying goes, misery loves company, but fortunately Randy Pausch negated this philosophy for me.
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