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Posts by perplexity215
Joined: Oct 6, 2010
Last Post: Jan 1, 2011
Threads: 3
Posts: 17  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 20
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perplexity215   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / A day in the life of (to create a global linguistic phenomenon) - UPenn [3]

Wow,

This is a good essay! I can't find much wrong with it. But I feel like you have a inkling of a boastful tone, so be careful.

A couple hours a week is a small price to pay to spread a wealth of knowledge and opportunity among the underprivileged.

I don't particularly like this line. I feel you sound a little cocky, even though I know you aren't trying to. Maybe something like "It feels amazing spreading a wealth of knowledge and opportunity among the unprivileged."

Wonderful essay! I like the specific details you included.
perplexity215   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / "Nowhere near the Boondocks" - Why Northwestern? [4]

Wow, I really wish i could give you lots of suggestions, but i couldn't find many
First suggestion: If you know what you want to major, maybe you could add a sentence on how Northwestern will help you in your specific major.

Second suggestion: I dont know why "Kira" needs quotations.

I really like your essay! Honestly one of the best Northwestern essays I've read.
perplexity215   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / Math Circle Program - common app essay [9]

UPDATED. PLEASEE SOMEONE READ IT? I ONLY NEED 5 MINUTES OF YOUR TIME TO TELL ME IF ITS GOOD OR BAD. I WILL RETURN THE FAVOR!!!

"What are you doing for the summer? You can't just sit at home." These words flowed endlessly from my mom's mouth. I couldn't deny the truth behind them. Tenth grade was ending and for the first time, I had trouble finding a way to spend my summer. Any other break, I would have been visiting China or sitting in a LSU summer course class. However, I wasn't doing either. I could count the number of weeks till summer on one hand, but I still had no clue what I would do. Time was running out.

From my research, I discovered volunteering at the local hospital. However, my mom thought I should spend it in other ways too, so she did some of her own research. What she found was Math Circle, a math-enrichment program. Not to say I thought math was completely boring, but I just had enough summers of math. Even if it was just for three weeks, what would I do at Math Circle? Would it be any different from summer courses? I was obviously reluctant. Ultimately I conformed to my mother's wishes knowing she was right. I'd still have the chance volunteer afterwards. I participated in Math Circle, never expecting is how much this would influence me.

Finals came and went and June 8th arrived. That day would mark the beginning of either an extremely dull summer or a completely riveting summer. As the first week dragged, my fears felt confirmed. Except for a few activities, Math Circle was boring. It felt like school again, except the lectures elaborated more complex concepts. "The conjugate of z-x= y is x = -x-iy. The modulus of z is ..." What did that mean? Handfuls of new symbols and jargon were thrown at me like a barrage of snowballs, melting as they hit my head. I could not catch any and they made no sense. As an attempt to keep myself from falling asleep, I copied pages of what seemed like hieroglyphics. How was I going to survive the next two weeks?

During the second week, I noticed the enthusiasm my friend Luke possessed. He devoured every lecture with eagerness. How anyone could find these dull lectures fascinating? He did somehow. When he attacked problems, pleasure projected from his face. I was in awe of how much he enjoyed Math Circle. I decided, if I wanted to enjoy Math Circle, then I needed to change and be more like Luke. I figured what I needed was a new attitude. So, I decided be more open-minded. I would follow the cliché "Don't knock it till you try it."

With this new attitude, I began to pay more attention to lectures. Though I did not understand every lecture after my transformation, I found many of them interesting. No more melting snowballs. I was beginning to catch them. Soon, I realized these lessons were different from typical school concepts; there much more than math than I though. I even fell in love with one topic-knots. I also attempted each problem we received and even conquered some. I even went back to those hieroglyphics and tried to decipher what I had ignored. By the time Math Circle was over, I was filled with a thirst for knowledge. This new feeling was enthralling, even addicting, and would follow me into my junior year and now.

My thirst for knowledge did not apply to just math, but all subjects. Math Circle was simply the spark in my love for learning. With this change in attitude, my interests and views transformed. This was evident in my junior year. For example, before, science did not hold much meaning to me. Once school started, science suddenly seemed captivating. The indifference I had towards chemistry disappeared. With every word I read, I was hooked to the point that I knew this is what I wanted to study.

While Math Circle fulfilled its purpose as a math-enrichment program, it achieved much more for me. It made me grow and mature. It changed the maneuverings of my brains and helped me be more open-minded and eager to take on new ideas. Now I am ready for the next snowball fight. I might even have a few of my own to throw this time.
perplexity215   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / Math Circle Program - common app essay [9]

Thanks!

PLEASE. Can someone read my essay real quick?? No editations needed! just how it sounds overall. Will return the favor!
perplexity215   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / Harvest time and teaching season, my summers, Princeton supplement [6]

instead of having an ordinary vacation at the beach or the jungle

instead of an ordinary vacation to the beach or jungle.

on top of the mountain

on the mountain top

bottom of the wells., and I finally understood how your beliefs

you would find "yourself" in its silence and attempt to be a beneficial person.

I could find myself and attempt to be a beneficial person.
[try sticking to mainly first person instead of second]

I remember that I was teaching most of the day and I still had enough energy.

I remember teaching many hours and still had a surplus of energy at the end of the day.

seeking into the nature

have a good relationship with the students

has a good relationship with her students.
[sorry, i cant tell if you're a guy or girl :/]

I dont know, but i dont think the exclamation marks are necessary. The content is good. I think your writing could be a little smoother in some parts. Your essays are good overall! :)
perplexity215   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Bouncing up and down on my tiptoes'; "Strength from weakness", Common App [3]

These are my suggestions

devoid of nutritional value

nutrition deviod

for humans are not perfect

for no human is perfect

I agree with meegggan on the "most importantly." My suggestion is to get rid of it.
Also, I am a little confused on the time period of your life when you had the noodle and calculus test incidents. Maybe add "Fade in, six years later to 10 grade [or whatever grade it was]."

I honestly couldnt find anything wrong. I think this is a great essay! I think you did a great job with the details.
perplexity215   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / Math Circle Program - common app essay [9]

PLEASE READ. And tell me what you think! I rather know how good and convincing it sounds than a whole bunch of edits.

I'll read yours if you read mine! Thanks!
perplexity215   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "introduced to the world of business" - Carnegie Mellon "Why CMU" essay [4]

As many people from Western countries perceive that Chinese are very sensitive to numbers; I'm not an exception either.

I was introduced to the world of business since I was nine at age nine

through which I can lay a solid foundation in advance for not only my Master or Ph.D but also my future career

Why not "through which i can lay a solid foundation not only for my Master and Ph.D, but also for my future career"

Among all the opportunities Tepper offers, I'm especially interested in the Undergraduate Business program, the BSBA MBA 3/2 program, and the summer internship opportunities, through which I can lay a solid foundation in advance for not only my Master or Ph.D but also my future career and apply the business principles I learn in class to the real-world consulting projects.

You could probably cut this sentence into 2 or 3 short sentences.

The small size class is another feature that fascinates me.

You should start a new paragraph here.

One more suggestion is to vary your sentence length. Many of your sentence were long. Add a few short sentences or make split some sentences into smaller ones.

Overall, I think this is a solid essay. You have provided good reasons for CMU.
Good luck!
perplexity215   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / Musical Exploration - An obstacle can become an impetus growth. [3]

Music constitutes a large part of my life

I think "is" is weak and can be replaced by a stronger word.

how a sound is created, and how it can be subtly altered

instruments to fully satisfy my current level of creative exploration

several of these required my attempts

I'm not really sure what "these" is referring to. Maybe try rephrasing the sentence to like "Many times, I have attempted to repair these instruments from a state of dysfunction."

I grew to love absolutely everything about music

I finally had a fully functional classical folk instrument

Despite being limited from developing skills in traditional instruments, I am able to explore my creativity with even more variability.

I think its amazing that despite your disease, you still have a passion for music. I think you have a good essay here. One other suggestion I have to to vary your sentence length. Many of your sentences seemed long.

I wish you the best of luck learning the guitar and working on your college apps!
perplexity215   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Every facet..." - Why Northwestern? - Avoiding repetition? [4]

I dont think its repetitive.
However, I do think you could elaborate a little more on the reasons you provided. Maybe include a few specifics and tie in how it this quality benefits you personally. Like you said Northwestern give you "the chance to travel the world," so include something about maybe its been a life long dream and Northwestern has the best study aboard program. Something related to you.

Other than that, I think its a good essay!

I hope I helped a little. Good luck!

Edit my common app short answer please?
perplexity215   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Hours of arduous practice" - Common app - orchestra/violin [6]

I had written a short answer for this, but decided I hated it and wrote a new one.
Please tell me what you think, no matter how brutal. Thanks!!

PROMPT: "Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below or on an attached sheet (150 words or fewer)."

Hours of arduous practice has led to this moment-the concert. As we move onstage, we make the proper adjustments and warm up to quell our nerves. Soon our beloved conductor strolls on stage and takes his place at the podium. He lifts his baton, and we lift our instruments simultaneously. Then we breathe and the music begins.

For seven years, I have been playing the violin. I love making music with my fingers. My favorite part has been playing in an orchestra; I love being a team member and listening to the way different instruments collaborate to create harmonious music. My journey with the violin has also taught me one lesson about myself: never let discouragement prevent you from doing what you love. At one point, I almost quit playing because I wasn't superb at it, but glad I realized passion, not skill, is what matters.

It's 150 words exactly, unless "onstage" is two words...
perplexity215   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / (passion for music) MIT World+ Personality (focus on my goals) + Pleasure Prompts! [2]

20 words over the limit is fine for MIT. Even 50 words over the limit is fine as long as its not fluff.

Suddenly, I dried up my tears, cleared my mind, and focused on the test material. The next day I got an excellent grade on my test.

i think here you can add a sentence or two about what you did after you "dried up my tears, cleared my mind, and focused on the test material." To me, it sounded very sudden from that to the grade. make it smoother
perplexity215   
Oct 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Tragedy stuck my family" - Significant Challenge - short answer [4]

Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation?(200-250 words)

Tragedy stuck my family in my freshman year: my father was hit by an eighteen-wheeler truck on a business trip. Let's just say that even the doctors were baffled at the miracle of my dad's survival. Of course, he didn't come out unscathed. Physically, my father has permanently broken neck, restricting him from extreme physical activity. Mentally, he suffers from depression and irascibility. My world changed that year; I had to learn to grow up and cope with the circumstances.

can still remember the phone call from his coworker and noticing my father's voice in the background, but thinking nothing of it. That was the beginning of my guilt. I was in emotional whirlwind that year. I just couldn't believe that this could happen to me and that I almost lost my dad. And having to see him in his decrepit state overwhelmed me. I had two nightmares about him dying. My father's accident added more stress in addition to worrying about my mother's arthritis and my arguments with my friends. I was miserable all the time that I couldn't focus on school anymore. I lost motivation to study or work hard and it was hurting my biology grade.

But one day, I realized I needed to change. Sulking at my unfortunate situation didn't get me what I wanted. I couldn't change what happened, but I needed to stay strong and keep going. I worked to stop my gloomy thoughts and turned my attention towards raising my grade in biology and helping my mother and father. While I didn't get the fifteen points I needed to get an A in biology, I did learn to not let my emotions affect the rest of my life.

Critique please. Brutal critiques are welcomed too! I'm about 40 words over the limit but it should be okay.
Thanks in advance!
perplexity215   
Oct 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "I'm curious and friendly - My personality" - College short answer [6]

I will be blunt. Please don't be offended.

You will need to work a lot on these. I can see these are MIT essays because I am also applying. MIT is extremely hard to get into so your essays will need to be top-notch.

Although colleges don't want formal essays, yours might be a little too informal. Don't write an essay like you are talking to friends. What I am talking about is don't use words and phrases such as "This is so exciting!", "really like," and "actually."

You really need to work on your grammar and making sentences flow smoothly. This forum has examples of excellent essays, so read around and take notice of how other people write.

You need to be more personal with your essays. Give specific details. Explain more why you like this or feel this way. And answer the prompt. For the 2nd prompt, include specific detail of what you like about MIT's program. For the 3rd prompt, it would be much stronger to just talk about one quality instead of two.

Besides working on your grammar and writing skills, work on your content and make it personal.

Good luck.
perplexity215   
Oct 29, 2010
Undergraduate / Habitat for Humanity Common App Short Answer [7]

The first sentence is kinda long.

I think you should avoid acronyms unless you write "Habitat for Humanity (HFH) has been ..." Also, you used to different acronyms.

You should make it more personal. You're part-way there. You should elaborate more on how important HFH is to you and how it has affected you. It kind of sounds like you describe the club and your achievements instead.

Good luck!
perplexity215   
Oct 29, 2010
Undergraduate / KAY Club. Making a Difference. -- Common App Short Answer [4]

However, I was introduced to the Kansas Association for Youth (KAY) organization at the activities fair during my seventh grade year. --> But in seventh grade, I was introduced to Kansas Association for Youth (KAY) organization an the activities fair.

I think this is a good answer and as ysabelbrown said, could be better by making it more personal. Maybe you could mention as an example your favorite event and how it affected you.

Wish you the best.
perplexity215   
Oct 10, 2010
Undergraduate / Math Circle Program - common app essay [9]

Yes, the significance is in the 2nd part of the essay. I just didn't put it up b/c that part isn't very well developed yet. But thank you for your comment! It made my day to know I'm not the only who thinks my essay is coming out okay.
perplexity215   
Oct 8, 2010
Undergraduate / Math Circle Program - common app essay [9]

This is the first half of my essay. It is the significant experience topic. Please critique! Any suggestions welcomed. Thank you!

NOTE: LSU is short for Louisiana State University and the name has been changed to protect the innocent.

"What are you doing for the summer? You can't just sit at home." These words flowed endlessly from my mom's mouth as sophomore year was winding down. I couldn't deny the truth behind them. For the first time, I had trouble finding a way to spend my summer. Any other break, I would have been visiting relatives in China or sitting in a summer course class at LSU. However, I wasn't doing either. I could count the number of weeks till summer on one hand, but I still had no clue what I would do. Time was running out.

After all my research, I came up with volunteering at the local hospital. However, wanting to help me find more options, my mom did some of her own research. What she dug up was Math Circle, a math-enrichment program, as its name suggests. Not to say math was utterly boring, but the idea of learning and doing math for another summer did not appeal to me. Even if it was just for three weeks, what would I do at Math Circle? Spend hours using the quadratic formula to find the zeros? Or maybe use the shell method repeatedly to find how much water that darn imaginary cup could hold? I was obviously reluctant. I was looking forward to volunteering at Our Lady of the Lake Hospital. Ultimately, I conformed to my mother's wishes since I'd still have the chance volunteer afterwards. I participated in Math Circle, never expecting is how much this would influence me.

Finals came and went and June 8th arrived. That day would mark the beginning of either an extremely dull summer or a completely riveting summer. As the first week dragged, my fears felt confirmed. Except for a few activities, Math Circle was boring. I felt as if I was in school again, except the lectures elaborated concepts too complicated for my brain to comprehend. "The conjugate of z-x= y is x = -x-iy. The modulus of z is ..." What does that mean? There were handfuls of new symbols and jargon thrown at me like a barrage of snowballs, melting as they hit my head. I could not catch any and they made no sense. On top of being confused, I couldn't pay attention to these lectures. To keep myself from falling asleep, I copied pages of what seemed like hieroglyphics. How was I going to survive the next two weeks?

Soon I noticed the enthusiasm my friend Luke possessed. He devoured everything in the lectures with eagerness. I couldn't understand how anyone could find these dull lectures fascinating. Somehow he did. He took up new problems with glee and never gave up easily. His face was an emotion projector; anyone could see how much he enjoyed anything we did. I was in awe of how deep his interest expanded. I wanted to experience that same feeling. I decided that I needed to change my attitude: I would be more open-minded. I would follow the cliché "Don't knock it till you try it." Thus I began to pay more attention to lectures and to actually try every problem we receive. I even went back to notes from the first week and tried to understand what I had ignored. No more melting snowballs. I was beginning to catch them. With a new attitude, I realized how that these math concepts were different than the regular school topic, and they were interesting. Once, we had been given a lecture on knots and I loved. I even conquered a problem on my own. I began to want to know more. The feeling was enthralling, even addicting.

My thirst for knowledge did not apply to just math, but all subjects. Math Circle was simply the spark in my love for learning. With this change in attitude, my interests and views transformed. This was evident in my junior year. Before, science did not hold much meaning to me, but I suddenly it all seemed captivating. Especially in chemistry, with every word I read, I was in love.

While Math Circle fulfilled its purpose as a math-enrichment program, it achieved much more for me. It made me grow and mature. It changed the maneuverings of my brains and helped me be more open-minded and eager to take on new ideas. Now I am ready for the next snowball fight. I might even have a few of my own to throw this time.