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Posts by Desilean
Joined: Oct 9, 2010
Last Post: Mar 26, 2011
Threads: 6
Posts: 12  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 18
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Desilean   
Mar 26, 2011
Scholarship / Autobiography, significant event & professional goal ("a young adult author") [3]

Describing myself has always been a tough task. There is so much to say about myself, I wouldn't know where to begin. I can start by saying that I am a diligent and determined young girl. When I want something, I fight long and hard for it. I am also creative. I love writing stories, performing for different occasions and helping others with projects or work for their classes. As a child, people used to tell me that I had a huge imagination, was very open-minded, daring, and bold. I always knew there was something different about me from all the other kids in school. My imagination ran wild, as thoughts of stories, poems and essays came out so easily. The Lord blessed me with this mind to create and flourish into the great mind similar to that of the great philosophers of our past. This is why attending the University of Florida is a true dream come true. This school has one of the best Journalism programs in the state Florida.

June 22, 2008, my loving grandmother died, leaving the ones that cared deeply for her alone. My family mourned and regretted the fact that we didn't send her back to Haiti to have one last moment with the rest of her family and friends before she passed. Life hasn't been the same since she left this world but never have we forgotten where she lies now; which is forever in our hearts.

My grandmother knew how smart I am and she always pushed me to aim for nothing but stars. Even though at times I've felt like giving up, she was there to bring me back up and let me know I could do it. Now with my 3.8 weighted GPA and still getting higher, I believe I can pretty much succeed anywhere. I have my lovely grandmother to thank and for that I will always be grateful.

My profession goal is to become a young adult author. I've always dreamt of becoming a writer. I am an avid reader and books help my imagination run. I can create a story in less than ten minutes. It's just a passion to write stories that people will be so indulged in. It amazes me how people love to read about other people's imaginations. Writing is my refuge. Whenever something went wrong, I just got my pen and paper and blocked the world as the ink flowed from the pen and onto the paper. I plan on going to UF to gain a better knowledge of writing and literature and then move on to publishing my work. From then, I'll see where this writing career takes me.

I am a good candidate for this community living scholarship because I have nothing to fall back on. After my grandmother's death, a number of financial dues set my family into debt. My mother had to pay the hospital bills, the funeral payments and the payments to the church in order to have a ceremony in her name. Following these events, we almost lost our house. It took a toll out of my mother. It was hard to deal with but we managed. Being able to receive money to help further my education would be a blessing from God. Because I am not an only child, my mother has to split her income so many ways in order to keep us fed and keep a roof over our heads. If I do not receive some other type of aid, I probably won't be able to go to the college of my choice and get the education I deserve.
Desilean   
Mar 26, 2011
Writing Feedback / It is not only the teacher who teach the student and student's ability is more important to study. [5]

The third sentence of the first paragraph is driving me nuts !
Because, it is not only the teacher to teach the student and student's ability is more important to study.
I know your English teachers told you not to start off the sentecnes with 'because', unless the sentence is a dependent sentence and supported with an independent sentence..!

The essay is good. It can use some better and stronger examples supporting your side though. And just to let you know, I agree with you all the way.
Desilean   
Jan 15, 2011
Scholarship / "Do good and make the world a better place"-Scholarship Essay [3]

How do you intend to do good and make the world a better place through your pursuit of a higher education?

In order to make the world a better place, we all need an education. The higher the education, the more knowledge we will have to make the world a better place. Because I want to pursue a career in psychology, I could be able to get into the heads of the children of our future. I could help them understand what's going on in the world and what they could do to fix it. I would also be able to give them the materials of a proper education so that they could try to make the best out of the world.

Higher education doesn't necessarily mean, learning in schools. No. We learn every we go; anywhere we're at. Higher education doesn't even mean boring teachers talking about things we may not want to hear. It basically means learning the new things about something we could use in order to help the people of our society. However, I would need the education a professor could provide for psychology. Just like the saying says, "you have to start small to finish big". Starting at a college level could be nominal for certain people however, for people like me, college would bring me to the big break of my career.

I'm an avid reader and so are many of the kids in today's society. I also have the dream of becoming an author. Another way to get into the minds of the people is through words; spoken or written. I could reach out to the people and let them know what is going on in the world and what we could do to solve the many problems of our humanity. Instead of stating facts and nothing but it, I could use the knowledge that I could gain from teachers and incorporate that into a realistic fictional story that would leave the world wondering, "What can I do to help?".

Higher education, no matter where it's from, will get me to the places I need to go to continue my pursuit of doing good in the neighborhood.
Desilean   
Jan 15, 2011
Undergraduate / "Living the everyday" - Common app essay [12]

I love this sentence------> "Somehow, someway I am speaking the words that are written through a way in which I understand what insinuates the core of my personality." Although, Kevin (^^) is right. It is too abstract and part of the sentence can be taken off .
Desilean   
Jan 15, 2011
Writing Feedback / A new educational system and students' motivation [5]

love the way you started off the essay.

All in all, the obvious conclusion...<-----replace "obviously" with something else. The word basically says "how could you not see this?", which is not a great thing.

Other than that, you are fine.
Desilean   
Dec 22, 2010
Scholarship / The arts have always been in my life- Arts For Life [3]

"How the arts have positively influenced my life,"

For as long as I can remember, the arts have always been in my life. There was never a time where the arts weren't. Growing up, I've dealt with the drowning of my baby brother, the separation of my parents and the emotional struggles between family members and friends. Whenever there was a problem, anything dealing with the arts was my remedy. Whether it was writing stories, poems, songs or just drawing [badly at that]. The arts kept me from doing the things I would regret.

When my baby brother drowned, we all thought he wasn't going to make it. My mother cried for days and my dad tried to be strong, but I knew he was breaking inside. My older brother and I sat in our room, praying that he would survive. Then one day, I just got my pen and paper and started to write a song called No One. I would never forget that song. It was the first song I've ever written and I was only nine years old. In less than two days, the hospital called my parents and told them that my brother was showing vital signs! My brother was going to make it. I've been singing that song to him ever since.

The separation of my parents led me to writing my own stories. Even though none of my stories correlated with the separation, it gave me a feeling that I never felt before. I was the writer and I could make up anything I wanted. Whatever I say goes. I loved that feeling. I couldn't talk to my mom for a while because I couldn't face her at the time. I was still hurting because she took me away from my father. The stories I wrote brought me closure. I always wrote my main characters having divorced parents too but that would be the only correlation to my situation. However, writing these stories gave me more insight to how much I loved to write.

The emotional struggles I've faced were almost always with my mother. Ever since the separation, our relationship never was the same. We're constantly arguing over small things and I couldn't deal with it anymore. Bad thoughts used to fill my head and I didn't like it one bit. Poems I wrote expressed these thoughts but they made me realize how bad these thoughts really were. It made me calm down from the anger building inside of me. Every time I would have an argument with whomever, I just got my pen and paper and blocked the world as the ink flowed from the pen and onto the paper. Forming words and rhythm with only my brain and writing utensils, I felt free.

The arts have influenced my life for the best. Without it, I wouldn't know where I'd be. Writing is my passion and I will continue to write, regardless of what's happening around me.
Desilean   
Dec 22, 2010
Undergraduate / "a childhood worth remembering" - UVA supplement -- World I come from [4]

"The sharp, nauseating smell of nail polish, the stale, hissing sound of air guns, and the sight of fresh, varying faces of women, and the occasional men, who wanted to do business with my parents: these were the sensations that surrounded me everyday for nearly ten years of my life."

This is a beautiful way of starting off the essay! You got the reader hooked from the smells you put in their head. You used sensory images to capture the readers attention.. Bravo! However, just like majix011 stated previously, too many adjectives can be a buzzkill .
Desilean   
Dec 22, 2010
Undergraduate / FAMU: How has your family, culture, or environment influenced who you are? [3]

My mother has four children and my father has six children and were all totally different.
"We're" instead of "were".. small mistakes can sometimes cost you.

"I may not me the brightest, nor straight "A" student everyone expects me to be, but everything I do I always persevere."

"be" instead of "me"... Also try to reword...something like this:
ex: "I may not be the brightest or straight "A" student people expects me to be, but with everything I do, I always persevere."
Desilean   
Dec 22, 2010
Undergraduate / "I dropped my university instead" - Personal application /taking risk/ [5]

Suddenly, from her bedroom, my mum called me.
This isn't a great way to start off the essay.. Try something like this:

Ex: One morning [or evening, whatever] as I was getting ready for [insert here], i heard my mum's voice summoning me from her bedroom.

..."Sorry, mum" with the tear dropping through my cheeks.
I know what you mean, however the critics will have absolutely NO problem criticizing you. Tears can't drop through someone's cheek.

..."Sorry, mum" [I replied], with a tear dropping down my cheek.

The essay was good though. Great job.. Just a few grammar issues. Reread the essay again.
Desilean   
Nov 24, 2010
Scholarship / "creative, daring, and bold" -My Personal Statement for George W. Jenkins Scholarship [2]

I need help in reviewing this essay.. And also need more ideas for what to write.
help please.
As a child, people used to tell me that I was creative, daring, and bold. I always knew there was something different about me from all the other kids in school. My imagination ran wild, as thoughts of stories, poems and essays came out so easily. The Lord blessed me with this mind to create and flourish into the great mind similar to that of the great philosophers of our past. This is why attending the University of Miami would be a true dream come true. Learning about the Arts and Sciences program really opened my mind. To know that I could be as close to home and get my bachelor's in Creative Writing made me ecstatic. I would fight long and hard to be able to step foot inside the halls of the University of Miami.

Receiving the George W. Jenkins scholarship would impact my life tremendously. In order for me to be able to step foot inside such a prestigious school, I would need money. Based on the economy right now, getting the right amount of money to attend such a school would take a while to happen. Not too long ago, my grandmother passed away, leaving my family and I in mourning for quite some time. Along with her death, a number of financial dues were drawing near quickly. My mother had to pay the hospital bills, the funeral payments and the payments to the church in order to have a ceremony in her name. It took a toll out of my mother and also left my family in debt. Being able to receive money to help further my education would be a blessing from God.

In addition to unfortunate mishaps, when I was 11 years old, my world shattered as the bad news running through my ears rang loudly. My parents were separating and no longer getting back together. I couldn't believe this awful information my mother was telling my brother and I as we sat in our rooms, tears strolling down our cheeks. Knowing how I am, my mother prepared herself for the worst. I loved my father and there was no way she would take me away from him. I couldn't fathom the idea of waking up in a different house and not being able to see my father before he went to work. It killed me and at the same time it killed my mother to see me in such pain. I never forgave her for making me leave my dad. My life had never been the same since then. But as I grew up and became mature, I realized it wasn't my mom's fault for tearing the family apart; neither was it my dad's. The love faded and they couldn't remain in a loveless relationship. I finally was able to tell my mother I forgave her and got to get my life back on the track it originally was on. And that was becoming the aspiring writer I ought to be.
Desilean   
Nov 22, 2010
Undergraduate / "My community's influence on my future" -UC prompt 2 [3]

While I was growing up my worries were never about food on the table or clean water to drink from.
Don't forget to use commas where they are needed!:
"While i was growing up, my worries..."
Desilean   
Oct 23, 2010
Scholarship / "We need someone strong" - Qualities of A Leader [scholarship] [4]

Can anyone tell me their feelings towards this essay? Is it boring..? Can you feel my feelings in this essay..?
What are the most important qualities a leader must have in today's society? And why?

Essay:
When I walk down the hallways of my school, I always see pregnant teenage girls, boys with their pants hung low, teachers smoking behind the school where they won't get caught; things that are highly wrong. It hurts me, most of the times, when I see these terrible things. These people have no role model to help guide them through their lives. They need someone to be able to let them know that what they are doing is not right. They need someone to tell them that they need to change their lifestyles. They need someone to be of assistance when the going gets tough. They need someone to lead them.

A leader doesn't just lead; they guide. They shine their light down on others in order for people to follow. They lead the way to brighter futures and better tomorrows. However, as I stated before, leaders do not just lead. They assist people in need in order for them to turn their lives around. They do not just expect people who come from lower standards to automatically rise in victory. They take slow steps and allow people to adapt to the changes and be able to make their decisions for themselves. They give support until they see that it is no longer needed. Even though majority of the times people don't want the help, leaders should fight until they're able to get through that tough exterior of those people.

A leader also tells things the way it is in the best way possible. They don't "sugar-coat" things to help mend wounds from previous statements made towards others. Nowadays, seeing pregnant teenage girls is the norm. People walk right past these girls as if it were right for them to be pregnant. Leaders today should march right up to these girls and let them know that they shouldn't have been doing the bad things they were doing to land them in that predicament. Leaders should also try to help them because these females don't have the proper training to become a mother so young.

Today, we need someone strong. Someone who wouldn't be afraid to fight for what's right. Everyone is the same. Leaders shine in the darkness of the night. Leaders should also stand out in a crowd of wrongdoers. We're looking for someone we could lean on for advice. We're in tough times as it is. Knowing that someone is out there, willing to put their life on the line for us to blossom into the lovely roses we're meant to become, is more than enough to change the world. This is what true qualities of a leader should look like.
Desilean   
Oct 23, 2010
Undergraduate / "My experiences in England" - Event/experience in life essay - University of Florida [5]

Every other student around me was "white" , and even though I obviously stood out, I made quick friends with most all of my classmates....Later, I found out that she didn't like me anymore simply because I was "brown."

you don't have to change anything because it does sound well with the story. However, does these words have to be used? Can you change the words to Caucasian and African American..?

just a suggestion...
Desilean   
Oct 23, 2010
Undergraduate / UCF how my family influences my environment my personality and nature [4]

Education is key to a fulfilled life; and how my family influenced me in that way is just watching them not succeed.

Should reword this sentence.

ex: Watching my parents throw their lives away---another way to say they did not succeed ---influenced me to strive for my education, which is the key to my fulfilled life.
Desilean   
Oct 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "How 'Vires' has been reflected in my life." FSU prompt [4]

The Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

Let me know what you think...

"Vires, Artes, Mores" is such a powerful motto that Florida State University has. This motto has stuck with me since I took my Latin class two years ago. It unites strength, arts, and intelligence. Even though all of these traits have been reflected at several times in my life, I feel I exemplify Vires, which is the Latin word for strength, the most in my life. My strength is truly a quality that upholds my becoming the pleasing and triumphant person that my future holds me to be.

The strength I have always exerted when it comes to my family is my moral strength. As in many others' lives, I have come across many obstacles. The biggest obstacle I have faced in my life is indeed, losing my grandmother. She was my rock. She lifted me up when I needed lifting. She was the sweetest person I have ever known. She died June 22, 2008. It was the toughest thing I'd ever I had to go through; toughest thing my entire family had to go through. My mother lost the love her life as we all did. I had to strong for her to lean on me. My whole life I leaned on my mother for support; I had to be there for her. I had to be strong.

My physical strength comes from my participating in my high school's flag-football team my junior year. I was determined to make the team. I always attended my conditioning sessions and I always performed my best with every activity the coach threw at me. I was on time every practice and I gave my all during try-outs. When I made the team, I undoubtedly saw that my perseverance and keenness paid off.

My intellectual strength comes from the commitment I have towards my education that I have been applying throughout my academic career. Being a good student doesn't essentially means just getting great grades; it means working hard for what you want in life. If you have determination and will power to fight for the things you require in order to thrive, then you are undeniably a great student. Having a GPA of 3.14, I am definitely an assiduous student, taking courses such as AP Chemistry, AP Biology and also AP English. I am always eager to learn and striving to receive the best grades I can. I always endure and make my parents, as well as myself, proud.

The most active asset in my life is definitely Vires, meaning strength in Latin. Clearly, moral, physical and intellectual strengths are apparent in my life as well. As my strengths have helped me get to the point where I am right now, I now they will continue to be of assistance when I attend Florida State University.
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