Undergraduate / "a city boy at heart" + "interest in medicne"-Columbia University and NYU Supplements [3]

Very good! I like "a constant sound of existence," any city kid immediately would get exactly what you mean!

"Born and raising in Chicago"-> raised.
" in the biggest city in the nation: Columbia University: In the City of New York"-> Doesn't 'what' make it a question? And don't use two colons, knock of the second one for a comma, maybe?

" I don't have to be tied up in one particular concentration of study."-> wouldn't have to be... also, combine this sentence with the next one?

"my interest in medicine was always illustrated to others"-> who cares about others? Knock that bit off.
"Professor Robert Langdon from Dan Brown's books would be the person I would bring to Washington D.C. to explore the hidden secrets in our nation's capital."-> The sentence gets more concise of you start with 'I', so I'd do that.

"Sharing my knowledge with his, we would uncover the government's secrets and share them in an epic video documentary for the world, starring myself and Mr. Langdon."-> Needlessly long. I'd say: "Sharing my knowledge with his, we would collaborate to uncover the government's secrets and share them in an epic video documentary for the world., starring myself and Mr. Langdon. (cause the rest of it is understood, and so redundant)

Good luck!:)

Undergraduate / "The essential is only visible to the heart " supplement essay [3]

The last sentence in your second to last paragraph's incomplete.
Otherwise, stellar job! Great concept and parallels drawn, I think it's beautiful:) Couple of things:
'Unlike any other books'-> Book, not books.
'leaving my parents guard'-> I think 'leaving my parent's sphere of control' is a wee bit more appropriate.
"The first time I have ever read the book was when I just learnt reading. From the innocent eyes of a six year old girl I understood the little prince perfectly. As the little prince I could not understand why the big people were always so busy, never had time to play. Therefore, I loved the book because it expressed my feelings. One can only see true happiness rightly with the heart." It SHOULD be "I first read the book when I learnt how to read.", and innocent mind instead of eyes? Or heart? Or even perspective?

"On the annual day he returned solely with his soul!"-> Awkward wording, and I don't understand what you mean.
don't say 'pubertal'... it doesn't sound pretty. Too abstract a reasoning for you to accept just like that, but consider:)
'One can only see true love rightly with the heart": get rid of rightly. Also, bad placement of the sentence, cause it doesn't transition well with the previous one... you need to mention your search for true love before you say this.

", I became more and more"-> "I had become more and more..."
also, big people's-> adult's? SO much cleaner.
And, the last line... the transition isn't clear... ease the quote in better throughout the essay.

I also would suggest you put a short summary of the book in somewhere. I've read it, but what if your reader hasn't?

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Death of my grandmother: William And Mary Essay [14]

Ren, I've spent the last 5 days looking at your post and going 'that's brilliant, I should do that'... and I went and edited ALL my essays, based on that. So thanks a ton:)

Undergraduate / "My India nationality and in-the-middle personality is up for grabs." - UC 1 [9]

Much appreciated boost of confidence, especially when my father just looked at this and said "Wow, this is seriously mediocre..."
I'll fix that or further submissions, thanks a lot!
And, just as an aside, I do speak like this. "juxtaposition of opulence and abject poverty" was actually smething I used in conversation, with a 'grandiose' in the middle, so it's difficult for me to find different ways to express myself... thanks for pointing it out though!

Undergraduate / Why MIT? Why Computer Science and Technology? [4]

Hey-oh. I haven't read the comments of previous readers, cause I feel it sometimes inhibits my ability to judge an essay, so do pardon me if what I say mirrors what they already have.

" I have always been in awe of technology.[Sigh. SO cliche. Really. Your COMMENTS on MY essay made me smile to myself, why can't the beginning of your essay do that? I wouldn't skip to the next sentence either, just think of a really nice, dramatic first sentence?] Since my first program in the 8th grade - which stored medical records for my parents' clinic - I have come a long way, building robots and websites, and carrying out investigations on the security of my school's computer network. (My biggest problem with this is that while the content is striking, the style is eminently forgettable and does not stress... anything. How I would do it would be something like: 'Robots. Websites. Security investigation. With technology at my hands, I'm the master builder; I create living entities out of bits and bytes. I find it incredible that my tryst with this limitless medium started with a simple storage program in my eighth grade.'(Obviously don't use that, it's too impromptu, unrefined and layman) Basically, that starts with your future with technology and why that excites you; and progresses into a reminiscence about your humble origins, so to speak, which should only confirm the depth of passion you display in the first half. Tat's just my style, though, and just a suggestion... feel free to adopt if you feel it suits your writing! )

MIT's EECS program provides a great platform to experience different concentrations under UROP, such as neural networks, human-computer interaction and artificial intelligence, before homing into a specific field. [Hmm... like I said, there's nothing WRONG with that, but there has got to be at least one other applicant with a similar sentence. Make it stylistically fresh- use superlatives, imagery, metaphors, SOMETHING. A 200 word essay has space for a couple of uninspired sentences, not a 100 word essay. Make each thing you say unforgettable]

On the other hand,Further TED videos and news columns from the likes of Dan Ariely, Laurie Santos and Tim Harford have triggered my interest in the rationality behind human decision-making. I would therefore consider (Don't consider, say you're interested in) doing a minor in Behavioral Economics and working with the Media Lab's Human Dynamics group." : for a word count problem, that last bit in italics can be chucked.

Conclusion. I know, word count and all that jazz. But I sincerely believe that any well-structured essay should have at least one stand-alone sentence at the end that concludes the entire piece, and this doesn't have that.The last thing you leave them with on the subject should not be 'Media Lab's Human Dynamics group', it should be a really personal line.

Apart from that, your passion/background is evident and there's no question about your ability... it's just making sure they remember that.

Oh wow. Sigh. So long. Hope, after all this, I helped. Good luck getting in!

Undergraduate / "Basketball: endure a little longer" - choose one extracurricular activity [6]

Always a pleasure:). Good luck!

Undergraduate / "Basketball: endure a little longer" - choose one extracurricular activity [6]

LOVE the concept, I just think your sentence construction can be a bit flawed. My attempt at fixing it-take whatever you think is appropriate out of this!

"I have never been considered (by who?) naturally skilled at basketball but one day, something amazing changed my life:(I wouldn't even write this. At all. It's a bit redundant. PLus the upcming peice is SO much nicer)It was the 1998 NBA finals between Chicago Bulls and Utah Jazz, and I was mesmerized. The passion, the physical collision between players, the powerful dunks, the electrifying speed - everything about that series locked my eyes onto the basketball players and their performances, to give me an exhilerating first experience with basketball. , and that was my first true impression about basketball and I knew I was addicted.Before I knew it, I was addicted.

Then I threw myself into the basketball; the difficult, grinding fundamentals like shooting the ball till my arm would almost fall off, running the court back and forth till I nearly collapsed, bending and stretching up and down till I was wincing. all leading to meI was in constant pain. Therefore, you can imagine(reads better without that) I was always the boy remaining in the basketball court after school, shooting the ball 1000 times or dribbling for hours, no matter how dark the sky had become.

My passion towards the game of basketball never ends; even thoughwhen I suffered a severe injury on my right knee in Grade 11.Because of the injury, I go to school everyday using crutches, and climb each tall stairwells to my classroom with crutches, causing huge pain.Also , T he absence of basketball left a huge void in my mind and in my heart. The time I suffered this great pain both mentally and physically was the lowest moment in my life, but I tried to get used to it and viewed it as a require lesson for my growth, maturity, and understanding.

Later, I had a surgery on my right knee, which caused me to forgo any kinds of sports activities for one year, particularly basketball. Physical rehabilitation was so full of pain and frustration - lifting my legs and hips into unnatural shapes, pressing the knee into extreme litheness, and bending down backward till tears came out. However, it was this moment that I realized basketball was still in my life, and basketball has long been is my deepest passion and I soon used it as a motivation to continue my rehabilitation.

My motto in basketball is to always" endure a little longer". Regarding this motto as my newfound inner strength, I was able to follow my own advice and "endure a little longer" in every situation and I discovered that the more I could endure, the less intolerable a situation would be. I learned to be optimistic towards the adversities I encountered, because I realized that to" endure a little longer" was the first step in conquering any obstacle, no matter how difficult. I learned to be strict with myself and completed every rehabilitation movement as perfectly as possible; I learned to be responsible for my own faults and indolence; I learned to be independent, for I had to face all the difficulties as well as the injuries by myself. The hardships in practicing were still there and degree of difficulty did not decrease but, in fact, increased. However, these aspects of playing basketball again no longer seemed like impossible mountains to climb, but simply tasks that needed time and patience to conquer .(I think, and I'm using advice someone else here gave me, that you need to write this entire section without the words 'learned', 'taught' and 'shown'- the sentence construction you'd use then follows the ancient 'show, don't tell' adage and becomes much more attractive)

Today I still cannot walk without crutches and playing basketball is still a distant dream, yet it's a real dream that I will reach againattain . My love and passion for basketball continues to push me, to motivate me to stay on my path and take the responsibility for my effort, for my spirit, and for my life."

Undergraduate / "Never give up; born to try" Common App - Topic of your choice [9]

Hahaha love, I'm a senior too, I've got a million unfinished essays lying around my room. My view is that there are gonne be like ten to fifty thousand students applying with you, you might as well churn out the best work you've done in your life., cause that's what they're all doing. You've gotta distinguish yourself from them. I honestly think refining your best English class essay would be better than sending this concept in. My counsellor turned 'Atlas Shrugged' down cause it wasn't individual enough, there's no way an AO will remember this.

You're username, though, is basketball... how hard would it really be to write about basketball? Just a suggestion, and you definitely could do better than that. You write fairly well, it's just a question of spending the time to write out the essay.

Good luck!:)

Undergraduate / "Never give up; born to try" Common App - Topic of your choice [9]

Yeah, I think it's too 'common'. More like it's something every single one of us applying go through, so why does it make you special? I think this is definitely one of those 'throw away and try again' essays.

Sorry, and good luck:)

Undergraduate / (Economics has a magical spell) University Wisconsin-Madison [6]

That's cause the moderators are busy. Check out their recent posts, the essays they are not checking were posted a long time ago. You have a while to go before a moderator looks at your essay, so I suggest you utilize the members of the forum ,some of whom can actually provide valuable feedback.

Undergraduate / VCU Personal Satement - Mister Cellophane [3]

Chicago reference! Except you have not said 'Chicago' anywhere, so I think you should.

Also, this actually comes off a bit negative. I'm left thinking 'how does he/do I know his ideas really are good? Why doesn't he speak up and assert himself-does that make him a weak candidate? Will he be able to handle collegiate education?' Especially when you say 'If someone had an idea, one that was insightful, and intriguing; you would notice them.'-> then are you saying your ideas are not insightful/intriguing?

I think you should angle this to be because you moved high schools, because then you'd be pitiable and not just sketchy.
On the other hand, lines like 'Maybe at VCU, people will know I am there' are painful, and so good; I think everyone either been a Mr. Cellophane, knows a Mr. Cellophane, or regrets dismissing a Mr. Cellophane, and that makes them recall their personal Mr. Celophane(it did for me, at any rate). I just think you need to make the rest of the essay really heartfelt in describing sorrow and, most importantly, ACCEPTANCE of the situation.

Hope I helped!

Undergraduate / "the application of a theory" - Johns Hopkins - why I choose to major in engineering [7]

Oh, and I just noticed: 'Indian Bollywood' is redundant, Bollywood is Indian and everyone known it:P. 'Hindi' would work too.

Undergraduate / "the application of a theory" - Johns Hopkins - why I choose to major in engineering [7]

Oh wow. You will not believe how thrilled I was when you said you liked 3 Idiots=D...

I believe that the significance of a theory lies on its value in the application.
Unlike an upcoming comment, don't start with an 'I believe'... it's weaker than just delivering a line. And, as a potential engineering major, that line isn't particularly controversial. But try to make it 'practical use' or 'functionality' or 'benifit to the human race' cause pure science has a role too. Just a suggestion.

formulas-> The plural of 'formula' is 'formulae'.

'If you ask me to recite a certain physics law, just like what I have to do in many school tests, in many cases I cannot recite precisely. But does it matter? As long as I understand the meanings of the law and know how to apply it in corresponding situations, I believe I needn't be restricted by those "standard answer". Yes, maybe there are some others get higher scores than mine in exams, but in the experiment or modeling classes, I'm always the best. Scores cannot objectively and accurately measure my real capability.'

I understand where you come from, but that comes off just a wee bit pretentious, like you're dictating the education system. Soften it by clearly stating that this is all your view about physics/engineering education.

Minor changes, though. I really good essay that demonstrates your passion on the whole!
Good luck!

And, could you check out my W&M essay?:)

Undergraduate / Death of my grandmother: William And Mary Essay [14]

First off, thank you all for your comments!
zdmw911, Xina and Esther, I completely understand what you mean.. I'll rewrite parts of it and add sentences describing what has happened instead of saying something has happened=).

Tan Vi: I will rewrite the introduction and the conclusion, which is normally the last thing I do before I send an essay in. And it is a cliche, but unfortunately the best I could think of then:/. And good luck with W&M... as long as I get in too.XD

Aravind: Hey, thanks, I didn't notice that!

I was thinking of using this essay(an edited version) for Princeton, for their prompt 'Tell us about a person who has influenced you in a significant way'... do you think the essay's good enough for Princeton?

Thanks a lot to any past and future commenters:). Good luck to all of you.

Undergraduate / "Terrorism and persecution, rising out of misunderstanding" Common App Personal Essay [6]

It's well written and everything, but it's like an argumentative essay or a newspaper article or something... I really don't think it's personal enough. And so, think you should either add another 300 words or so describing its effect on you personally, or rewriteif you can't feel the personal effect of terrorism. If you'r rewriting, keep the theme of the essay but slant it, towards religion or something, so that you do have a personal connect with the topic.

Good Luck!

Undergraduate / "my mother calls me a 'shrink'" - Stanford: Roommate essay [9]

Haha I ended the reading thinking 'wow, I'd like to room with him':D 'Try not to be surprised if I turn up one day with a squirrel in my hand and a look of silly devotion on my face. ' was absolutely hilarious to picture.

I like this a lot better than the first one, cause it exudes warmth and a very personal feel. Does it highlight marketable skills? No. But it highlights a real person, and that's what I think they intended this essay to do. And I don't think it's all over the place or any of the other problems illustrated, so yeah:)

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Free afternoon, a compliment, history witness, better, question - Yale mini essays. [4]

I think they're loking for your fit at Yale when they ask this, and your interests.

Question 1: I wouldn't say that, even if it's true, cause it seems like a waste of time to formally set down. I'd put something a little more intellectually challenging down.

Question 2: Word it more formally, and is that the best you can come up with?It isn't bad, but it seems forgettable. At least make an attempt to give the AO something they won't forget.

Question 3: The last sentence is redundant. But I like it:)
Question 4: Hmm...I think you should put down WHY you think you're bad at it also, at least you'd have seemed to learn from the experience.

Question 5: Put down why, if you have place, it's make it more memorable.

Hope I helped! And. also, could you check out my William and Mary essay?

Undergraduate / "nothing is more important than my family's reunion" - Main Essay about my family [5]

LOVE the end. Actually, love the entire story.
'being the only male who has to do all the labor work'-> Try 'physical work' or 'physical labor'.
"It was the quietest dinner we had ever had, but the most impressing one"-> Shouldn't it be 'impressive'?
Unfortunately, that's what it is; a story. It isn't a personal statement, cause I don't think it says enough about you. It says a lot, given, but about your understanding and sensitiviy, and your writing skills. I think you need to add a new paragraph before the last one, talking a bit more about YOURSELF and not about them. That's just my view, though.

Hope I helped!

Also, could you check out my William and Mary essay?

Undergraduate / My Ice Cream Shop- COMMON APP ESSAY [6]

The beginning's a bit too literal for a poetic essay like this, change it around? Make it more cryptic, and leave explanations to the end?

I think it shoud be Cupid, not 'a Cupid'
Otherwise, I really like it. It's really interesting, and a great concept!
Good luck!

On a more selfish note, could you help me with my William and Mary essay?

Undergraduate / Chemistry teacher, my father, chess game, volunteering：why Brown+interest+ideas. [6]

You're welcome!
Could you take a look at my William and Mary essay?

Undergraduate / Chemistry teacher, my father, chess game, volunteering：why Brown+interest+ideas. [6]

Aaah, a fellow Brown hopeful!

Essay 1
'I need a school in which I would not be viewed as heresy and would find a community of free-thinker and pursuer'... Heresy's a bit strong for what you're describing. Also, using 'I need' makes the tone a little informal and empty, and he sentence construction's a little off. It should be, using the same concept and style:

"I need a school in which I wouldwill not be viewed as heresyheretical, and would find a community of free-thinkers and pursuer s "And I'm not even sure 'pursuer' is a word. Just restrcuture that sentence, and make sure you use the correct forms of words.

And : "However,there does exist a school which is said to be the last institution to "leave the 60s,"(what?) in which students stocked up on sleeping pills to be used for suicide in response tobecause of President Reagan's "Star War" proposal, in which a student studying literature can take the most challenging atomic physics courses." This shows you know a LOT about Brown, but it's too much information in a sentence. I've tried to fix it. But consider cutting something out of it?

Essay 2:
You're first sentence does not convey anything useful in isolation from the second, make them one. But this is good!

Essay 3:
Don't, PLEASE don't use points?
I like this too. You seem to be really focussed and gifted. Good luck!

Undergraduate / "Not an ordinary life" - VCU Page 87 of my Autobiography [3]

I have a question, is the prompt asking for page 87 of your autobiography? Cause if it is, you're autobiography is supposed to be fairly long and detailed, and the piece you're writing's meant to be somewhere close to the middle/end/late beginning. This reads a bit like the first page of a two page autobiography. And also basing my interpretation on the topic I stated, I don't think the last line of the essay has any right to be in your autobiography.

I think this is the perfect opportunity to highlight ONE event in your life, and in a lot of narrative detail. And if you feel you absolutely have to, add personal accomplishments in as a throwaway, like 'All of a sudden, my place on the basketball team, my ___, didn;t matter any more, when I saw _____.'(or something that trivializes it less) Perhaps something you said about Bogota? Cause it just doesn't fit the topic right now.

If I've got the topic wrong, though. and it's meant to be a summary of your life, it's too impersonal. This seems like a biography; it's too surfacial in nature(is that even a word?)... I think you need to touch deeper to touch the AO.

Hope I helped?

Undergraduate / "Chopsticks and Vietnamese Opera" - College of William and Mary [11]

Oh my. You probably can do better than that.:) It isn't TERRIBLE, but...

Undergraduate / "Chopsticks and Vietnamese Opera" - College of William and Mary [11]

Oh wow. It's funny:). I read the rattlesnake line and I was hooked.
I agree with the not using brackets idea, I'd prefer semicolons and the like.
'...the worst kind of music that sounded like a broken violin and shrieked like a drowning fish': the grammar's a bit off, an alternative I thought of was '...; heralded as the worst kind of music, it sounds like a cross between a broken violin and the shrieking of a drowning fish.'- By the way, can fish drown? Just saying:P Maybe you want to say 'a fish in air'?

And I also think that, since the prompt says 'just make us laugh', this works well:). I like it a lot.

Undergraduate / (Economics has a magical spell) University Wisconsin-Madison [6]

Economics has a magical spell that always enchants me to explore this enigmatic world as it explains almost every mystery I encounter in everyday life ... too long for a first sentence, I'd say. Maybe you should just start with 'economics is magic' and put the rest of it in the second sentence? I like the assonance, Put them all in one sentence.

Or, maybe not? Cause your second paragraph and third paragraph are mesmerising, and I'd think they'd make a better introduction. Maybe you could fit the first paragraph somewhere else? Maybe at the end?

The essay makes you seem very focussed and dedicated. I think, however, you should strengthen your ending to give a good closing impression.
Good luck!

Undergraduate / First day at new school/country: what makes you unique and colorful..william and mary [9]

I clicked over to this from your commonapp essay, and they're both about being Indian! I think that makes you seem a little unidimensional, and I'd strongly advise you switch the topic for one of them... you said you're a fun-loving guy, maybe you should focus this essay on that?

Undergraduate / Living in America taught me to value my Indian heritage - significant event [12]

First off: The common app essay has no word limit. the ideal length is supposed to be about 700 words. Ideal limits are above 500 and under 900. I looked it up, and in various places, and I am VERY sure about this.

"It was gloomy at first, the daunting idea of separating from my parents. However, hoping that there actually exists a "light at the end of the tunnel", I mournfully decided to stay in this country of English speakers in order to continue my studies. Gradually, the culture brought me closer to being an actual American: drinking large quantities of soda and surviving on fast-food. As a result, I feared my standing out in a stark contrast among my pals in India. I realized that I have been baptized into the American way of life, something my friends and family back in the old country despised."... I don't particularly like it, especially as an introdution. It's a bit all over the place, and took me a while to assimilate. I think you should make the beginning really emotional- talk about leaving, living alone in a foreign land, it's effect on you.

"While in America, I have learned the importance of my heritage, my family, and my customs at a very young age, something my cousins in the old country have not yet been able to notice. " completely understand what you say, and this is something I think you can write a lot more about.

'The archaisms of the Indian culture'... archaic has some negative connotations of redundancy, which I don't think is the bet way to end an essay. Try 'richness' or 'traditions' or something along those lines, cause it's a more positive end.

And hahaha if you wanted a non-Indian perspective, you should comment on a non-Indian's essay and ask for reciprocation. I don't exactly fit that bill=P

And I think what this essay lacks is the 'wow factor'- by that, I mean one striking thing about it. Everything slightly fades in my mind. I think, to acheive that, you should cut down repetitions. You'e mentioned eating meat seperately three times, if I remember right, bring them all together! I think that will help.

Undergraduate / "My India nationality and in-the-middle personality is up for grabs." - UC 1 [9]

First off, don't worry about it being late, a lot of colleges want similar topics, I was planning on using this again anyway. Plus I don't like it or the edited down version I sent in much cause of the topic. So any critique's appreciated.:)

Unfortunately, I hadn't the words to talk about my Americanness. Plus, I've lived in India for far too long now, it's the easier half to quantify. And, coincidentally, I had removed the 'spicy food' bit cause of the word limit. Plus, I think I intended to bring up a bunch of stereotypes and show how they applied to me.

Annnnd good point:) I'll go change that for future submissions.
Thanks a lot!

Undergraduate / Death of my grandmother: William And Mary Essay [14]

Thanks:)
I'm afraid it doesn't answer the prompt well enough, though... Anyone else got feedback?

Undergraduate / "a new dress code policy" - intellectual experience Brown's admissions essay, topic A [4]

I think 'intellectual experience' is another part of the list, and the 'intellectual' doesn't modify the project. Especially if you want to do something art-related, then it's difficult to manufacture an intellectual project, etc.

I think your essay is strong, but you might want to avoid art if you've talked about it on other parts of your application, which is likely. I think you should explicitely mention your interest and how this affected it, like an aspiration statement, to better answer the question.

Hope I helped!

Undergraduate / "my first production as a dance teacher" - Activities Essay (from Common App) [5]

Coincidentally, my common app activity essay starts with waiting in wings too.
Couple of ideas:
"Every so often one of the kids would look off into the wings to where I stood and send a smile my way"- you CAN change it to "one of the kids would smile ___ly at me."

"back talking" - talking back?
"In a studio setting it was hard to see if or how I had impacted a student. Teaching is a constant struggle and sometimes I don't feel like I'm affecting kids at all."- Switch the order of the sentences, it reads better that way.

"all that was left was the feeling of accomplishment that I had gotten through to my students in a positive way after all."- Try "all that was left was a feeling of achievement and pride that I had made an impact on one little life' (or something less melodramatic.)

Undergraduate / "Soccer field" - Williams 'an environment that is particularly signifiant to you' [15]

Thanks a LOT for that, I felt something was a bit off in this and I think you've pointed out what. I'll rewrite the last bit! Thanks again!

Undergraduate / "I'll never know everything there is to know" - Brown: What don't you know? [9]

I did, unfortunately. There's always a chance the reader woudn't have read it, but do you want to take that chance? Cause (trust me on this) it comes off a wee bit wannabe if you've read the 1990 essay. Also, I went back and checked, two seperate advice sites advise against using that strain, they've gotta have a point.

But, you COULD leave in part of it (figure our which parts really make people laugh. 'Italian with a Russian accent and Russian with an Italian accent' did it for me.) especially cause it's offset by the thoughtfulness in the rest of your essay.

And I really, SINCERELY wish you good luck on making the decision.:D

Undergraduate / "Cross Country was never my sport" common app extracurricular Elon University Essay [6]

I really think this can be made much better by bringing some drama into it. Start with a hyperbolized problem statement, such as describing the plight of the 'poor' race horses who are ___ed because they are too old, and how you consider it your mission (to put it way too melodramatically) to save them. It'll make you seem more human and give it a better impact, cause the business you propose has the scope for it.

On the other hand, this is a really strong essay cause it's action-oriented adn sows you've got your feet firmly on the floor. It's strong, and impressive, but I guess it could be more memorable.

Dont do that if it compromises your style too drastically, though.
Good luck!

Undergraduate / Death of my grandmother: William And Mary Essay [14]

Thanks a lot, it means a lot to me. And it seems it had the desired impact. Thanks for the critique!

Undergraduate / "I'll never know everything there is to know" - Brown: What don't you know? [9]

Now that you point it out, maybe you shouldn't be negative about academia? Seeing you ARE going to university. But in conjecture to your previous statement, it does fit well together... maybe you should soften it. Or not use 'academia.' Cause most people would appreciate that memorizing lists of names of Presidents of Kazakhsthan is not education, that won't be too controversial.

EDIT: and guim.org/hugh_gallagher_s_essay.html - This was what I was referring to, regarding your introduction.

Undergraduate / "Soccer field" - Williams 'an environment that is particularly signifiant to you' [15]

Thanks a lot, I'll go back and change that.:)

I need help(a lot thereof) with the latest essay I posted, and so if anyone will be willing...

Undergraduate / "I'll never know everything there is to know" - Brown: What don't you know? [9]

The beginning put me off just a little. It's a bit like the 'I climbed Mount Everest, but I've never been to college' essay that was super popular a while ago, so it doesn't stand out as original. In fact, I actually read somewhere that that's a bad way to do this topic, so I'd advise a change in your introduction.Maybe make it more personal? Cause right now, anybody in the world could have written this. That's not such a good sign.

But, I REALLY like the bit from 'While being a Sisyphus of encyclopedias and textbooks may win you a couple games on Jeopardy' to the end. Cause it's a thoughtful way to approach the topic. Especially the last couple of sentences. Except, especially if your commonapp essay is impersonal, you need to add anecdotes and stuff to make this YOURS.

This is just what I thought, and my perspective as a fellow Brown applicant is admittedly skewed. But I hope I made sense!
Good luck!

Undergraduate / "Dop-dop-dop-dop, Malaysia, fear of failure" - my common app essay [8]

Help me with both? The Williams hasn't gone in yet and I'm probably using the UC essay or a more refined version thereof for a bunch of other colleges, including Harvard and Princeton, so ANY help with either would be valued:)