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Posts by lullabywave
Joined: Dec 31, 2010
Last Post: Jan 3, 2011
Threads: 5
Posts: 14  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 19
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lullabywave   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / In the communal Great Wait, I'm doing my part by standing still in line [5]

Hi! I just wrote what came to me, but now I'm not really sure if I responded properly? Like.. it's definitely related, but I'm not sure if it's too off-topic.

Instructions (abridged):
Amherst requires a second essay of no more than 300 words. Your essays provide you with an opportunity to speak to us. Please keep this in mind when responding to one of the following quotations. It is not necessary to research, read, or refer to the text from which these quotations are taken; we are looking for original, personal responses to these short excerpts. Remember that your essay should be personal in nature and not simply an argumentative essay.

Quote:
"Rigorous reasoning is crucial in mathematics, and insight plays an important secondary role these days. In the natural sciences, I would say that the order of these two virtues is reversed. Rigor is, of course, very important. But the most important value is insight--insight into the workings of the world. It may be because there is another guarantor of correctness in the sciences, namely, the empirical evidence from observation and experiments."

Kannan Jagannathan, Professor of Physics, Amherst College


In the communal Great Wait, I'm doing my part by standing still in line and shuffling myself forwards in the longitudinal wave of people as it hits me. I'm chatting with my friends. We're talking and moving up at the same time. 99% of the time I take for granted the impeccably clean floors at Disney World, but 1% of the time - this time, in my peripherals I spot an abandoned juice bottle.

I'm walking away, still eyeing the bottle; it has me feeling guilty for the janitor who has to pick it up. I imagine being that person faced with all sorts of gum and sticky soda spills, and know that I could mitigate the load if only by one degree by picking up the trash. Plucking up some courage, I plunge into the awkward; I break off the conversation and barrel into the mass of oncoming people traffic to sweep up the juice bottle. Holding it between my thumb and index finger, I toss it into the trash. My friends praise me and I feel like I've defeated the boss of trash ignorers.

While trash ignoring isn't a felony, it is a crime that should be approached more seriously. Cognizance of the janitor's situation has changed me. A chance moment had me fully engaged with the abandoned bottle, without which I would not have gained the insight I then experienced.
lullabywave   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "multiple functions" - Why Brown Essay [2]

Adding on to what other people said, I think you have some common/general reasons that don't relate to you personally. The second half, when you're talking about the art program is where you should really elaborate: "Brown can offer me an interdisciplinary education studying art across a range of cultures and time periods" perhaps mention a few more specific programs asides from the RISD relationship.
lullabywave   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "Empathy & the blue tin" - princeton supplement [4]

"I empathized with the other children who would be committed to the hospital far longer than I" would

I think you spend too much time developing the story in the first two paragraphs, but the meat of essay happens in the last two, which are the shortest.

"Unsure of whether we would get into trouble, I sat quietly"
for me this is a little vague -- it's kinda of coming out of nowhere. I think you should expand on how that emotion developed from 'ambitious sixth grader'
lullabywave   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / In the communal Great Wait, I'm doing my part by standing still in line [5]

I see - I was trying to have the insight be about how there really are other people picking up after someone else's mess, but how about this:

In hindsight, I realize that people usually don't act unless something is directly affecting them. No one is purposely making a mess, or fully cognizant that they are giving janitors more work. Accidents happen; soda gets spilled, and beverages in their containers are forgotten on arbitrary ledges. Without this insight, I would only be blindly advertising ideals: don't make trash, don't make trash. Instead, with this understanding I will say "let's pick up trash."
lullabywave   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / Garden WILLIAMS - "window to library" [2]

Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you.

What I see is that which has always brought me comfort: my town's library, but more specifically the garden. Tall trees with high reaching branches protect the top of anyone's head from the sun. The entire vicinity is under one cool shadow. Here, I was saved.

As a child, the library was the most exciting place to be. I've been told to never judge a book by its cover, but every trip to the children's section had me on a hunt for an attractive cover. As I got older, the thickness of my books grew, as did my level of engrossment. At school, I carried books with me wherever I went. I read in class, at lunch, and during playtime. Though I was always alone, I didn't notice because I was always reading. No one disliked me, but no one liked me either. Unless I was a team captain, I was always the last one picked in sports. When a teacher told us to raise our hands if we didn't have a partner, mine always went up.

One weekend, I gathered up all my borrowed books and went to the town library to return them with the intent to never go back. As I walked out the door, I bumped into two girls from my class. "We're on a mission! Help us find lemony clovers!" Unaware that this was joke, I agreed, but even so, in such a manner, I spent an hour in the library's garden eating heart-shaped clovers that tasted like lemon, honey suckle, and plain grass. In the end I was given a book and told "Okay, we can be friends if you read this."

At the library I met my best friends: books and the people who saved my passion for reading.
lullabywave   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "Off to a Perfect Start" - Why Penn? [2]

Hi I think your essay is pretty well written already, but the first paragraph doesn't seem to serve much purpose; you make it quite clear in the third paragraph that you have multiple interests. I think you would come off much stronger if you talk about majoring in psychology right off the bat. You could strengthen that paragraph more by talking about why, out of all your interests, you chose psychology as your main area of study.
lullabywave   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "Starry Night" group. Telescope, Extracurricular activities. [2]

I am a member of the "Starry Night" group. Our aim, in this group, is to make villagers familiar with the sky over their heads. We travel to different urban areas, and try to make people familiar with the "Night Sky". We tell them what the celestial objects such as the sun, planets, stars and galaxies are, what an astronomer does, and how a Telescope works.

Our group stays in a village for a night, and shows the villagers the beauties of a starry night. We give them different books and catalogs about astronomy and show them attractive constellations and objects, we also teach them how to protect their dark sky against "Light Pollution" (period?)

I think it is a great achievement to help people of the urban area to know their universe better. They usually know a little about the sky, and you can see their happiness (that they are happy?) at the end of the tour.
lullabywave   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "determination" - your favorite word an why? [6]

My heart pounded with anxiety and excitement as I approached to the stage to accept ...

From that day on, I strongly believed that it is through determination that a person can achieve their goal. Whether I was determined to write an essay, beat a friend while playing chess, or even determined to experience something new. Determination allows individuals like me to ...

I advise you you to make clear the main idea at the beginning, otherwise the reader has to guess at what you're trying to say until the end.
lullabywave   
Jan 2, 2011
Undergraduate / "The "One" " tufts what makes you tick [6]

I don't think you directly address the prompt. Is it the thought of meeting 'the one' makes you tick? If so, you should make this clear from the beginning.

Grammatically, you use 'it' a lot, but many times what 'it' is is unclear. Furthermore you don't want to use the same word with so much frequency.

Now sure, it might seem like a trivial confession but it is what makes me tick. I'm a big believer in the idea of "the one," and I blame all of my childhood Disney and Pixar movies for it . Shrek made it seem...
lullabywave   
Jan 2, 2011
Undergraduate / "Desire to learn; what UChicago can do for me" - UCHICAGO prompt [2]

[EDIT: I'd posted this up earlier, but for some reason the title got messed up, and I didn't know how to change that]

Some people say that for this kind of question, details and specific programs are good because they show that the applicant is interested, but others say that colleges already aware of their faculties and location, so the main focus should be personal. I came at it from a personal approach, but what do you guys think? Does anyone know what UChicago prefers?

Question 1. How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to Chicago.

All my life, I've always had desire to learn; I find everything interesting be it academics, art, a foreign language, video games, cooking, or even outlining a square with one index finger and a triangle with the other. It's exhilarating to try something new, and improve even if I'm horrible at what I'm trying. Recently, however, I realized that my environment has a big influence on this process. For this reason, I want to pursue a life at the University of Chicago. From everything that I have heard about this school, from reading the school website, and just from reading the application itself, I can tell that Chicago is a place that fosters creativity, a place that won't be bounded by conventions. In this place, I feel like I can explore, experiment, and find myself in the end.
lullabywave   
Jan 2, 2011
Undergraduate / Tf you don't go all the way, why go at all? UNC transfer essay (best advice essay) [8]

If you plan on shortening the first paragraph, then have this portion:
"If you have never played volleyball, then you must not know how sore you are after playing for nine hours a day in a gym with no air conditioning. Each day gets harder, because more lactic acid has built up in your muscles. Our legs burned when climbing stairs and even sitting down became uncomfortable. Every inch of me was bruised. Red patches on our skin indicated floor burn."

lead into the quote "If you don't go all the way, why go at all?"

I think that preserves the essence of the 2nd paragraph and gives a lot more room to talk about something else
lullabywave   
Jan 2, 2011
Undergraduate / "more work = more fun?" -- Pomona prompt [3]

Um.. this is like a last ditch effort.. It's an optional supplement, so if you don't think it's even worth submitting, please tell me. AND DON'T BE AFRAID TO SOUND HARSH

Although it may appear to the contrary, we do know that people have a life beyond what they do to get into college. Tell us about an experience you've had outside of your formal classroom and extracurricular activities that was just plain fun and why.

Ironically, my most memorable moment of fun physically occurs inside a classroom. Specific to my high school, Diversity Day is a holiday in the sense that all academic classes are canceled. Instead, within school buildings, both students and faculty members hold and attend workshops at which we celebrate and promote any and all kinds of diversity. Though typically pedestrian to other students, this specific year was special to me. For the first time I was co-sponsoring a workshop with my roommate.

Despite our many differences, we had one thing in common: desire to host a Chinese-themed game show that would both celebrate our Chinese nationality and enable others to have fun at the same time. For weeks we set aside time in our busy schedules to plan out the event. Built up stress originating from oncoming deadlines coupled with personal disagreement caused me to have my first fight with either a roommate or a friend. We argued about everything: which activities to do, how much time we would need, and even which songs to play. The fight was so explosive that for a brief period of time I doubted if we would even be able to have the workshop at all. What reconciled us, however, was that which had inspired us to start the project in the first place: our favorite variety show. When I heard the familiar theme song my eyes were automatically glued to the screen. By the end, my roommate and I had laughed until our stomachs hurt and had been brought to the verge of tears. Reminded of our mission to have a fun workshop celebrating nationality, we pulled ourselves together. Within three days we had filled out the necessary paperwork and bought and finished our preparations for the workshop.

The results of our hard work bloomed into fruition when Diversity Day finally arrived. Everyone had trouble during our challenging 'four-legged' race, humbling dancing charades, and penalizing rhythm trivia. Despite our differences and our previous arguments, my roommate and I pulled through as our activities and antics as hosts had everyone laughing. I never lost my smile the whole time; it was the most fun I had ever had. Before then, I only knew about putting effort into my studies; fun was supposed to only come at random, but because of all the hard work I had put into the event I was able to enjoy it all the more.
lullabywave   
Jan 2, 2011
Undergraduate / "I'm going to have a panic attack" - experience for the Common App or SUNY Supplement [4]

While I don't know the parameters you're working in, here's my honest opinion:
I feel like I'm reading an online novel. While definitely attention grabbing, it might be too casual/informal. I'm not an admissions officer, but I would respect this more if you proved yourself a sophisticated writer with fancy words.

Also, I agree that you don't show yourself enough in this essay. I think you should expand on the last paragraph -- who are you really? What kind of person do you want the admissions officer to think you are after proving what you can do in extreme situations?
lullabywave   
Jan 2, 2011
Undergraduate / "more work = more fun?" -- Pomona prompt [3]

as the story goes on the language gets more imaginative and interesting

Ah.. where exactly are you talking about? I'm sorry, but could you be a bit more specific?
But I do appreciate the feedback thank you
lullabywave   
Jan 3, 2011
Undergraduate / "pirates find x" -- UChicago prompt [2]

Hello everyone! This is my last supplement suckers!
no but really, please help me make it my best!! Any help is appreciated (I know it's long). BUT for anyone who helps out I help you back with your 30+ page paper ok? Please? I promise it'll be really fun to read mine!

Instructions/guidelines:
This is your chance to play, analyze (don't agonize), create, compose - let us hear the result of your thinking about something that interests you, in a voice that is your own.

Choose one of the five extended essay options, indicate your choice, and write a one- or two-page response.

Draw on your best qualities as a writer, thinker, visionary, social critic, sage, citizen of the world, or future citizen of the University of Chicago; take a little risk and have fun.

Essay Option 1. Find x.
Inspired by Benjamin Nuzzo, an admitted student from Eton College, UK

I wish to present to you a familiar scene: on the hottest day of the year, the sun stays pinned in the middle of the sky, continuously pouring a staggering heat onto our world. The only indication of life comes from energetic cicadas as they sing their cacophony unperturbed. Meanwhile, two young surface dwellers have no alternatives to taking up their present horizontal positions on one backyard porch. Together, they battle the midday heat with stillness. The swelter is so severe, even the air is still. Suddenly, a small disturbance ripples its way over to the porch and with its arrival comes true bliss; today, the wind is God. Any lingering thought of school has long been absent. Indeed, it was the best of times, and it was the worst of times. What would the two young friends do, suppressed by the sun, but restless for adventure? All is forgotten when both their phones start vibrating.

Their screens reveal the same thing: a map of their town that fills up the screen. A notification box displays the same command: "X marks the spot!" As in "You should know the rest."

There is so much said with so few words. Here, we have a clichéd phrase most often heard in childhood, and the tone of an unknown sender borders mockery. Though not qualified to be called old, the two comrades are beyond the age of playing pirates, yet the event itself is mysterious; could these two people do anything outside exactly what the message instructs? No. The friends are now the two treasure hunters on a quest to find x. They brave the day's calefaction for the sake of buried riches.

"I think I'm hallucinating."

"Not necessarily. When there is a significant difference in temperature between layers of air, light bends, creating a reflection of the sky which resembles the image of still water."

"Wow! I never knew there were dancing mushrooms in the sky."

And so, with suspicious origins, and the questionable reliability of those about to embark, a journey with an unpredictable outcome begins.

It takes the rest of the day for them to finally find x as indicated on the electronic map. When they arrive, their phone batteries are drained of life, and the treasure hunters themselves are clinging to the last bits of energy they have left. The most incredible part, however, is that they stuck to their mission the whole time. They are a determined duo, but they could never have come this far on their own. Alone, the task is not only difficult, but also boring. The comrades kept each other focused and motivated each other in the continuous battle against the sun. Both know that there is no real treasure to be found; they've known this since the beginning and while probably not on a conscious level, they realized the fact as children as well. Neither has ever expected precious metals or coveted jewels at the end of their play, but they still play.

Even more interesting is that "the history shelves contain few solid cases where pirates buried treasure and practically none involving maps" (Cecil Adams). Still, mysterious maps and buried treasure have become such an active part of American culture both inside and outside of child's play. As a treasure hunter, what attracts me isn't the end result, but the initial curiosity and the ensuing journey - an intimate secret that is the map only the two of us know about. Faced with such an opportunity, could anyone really not want to find x? It could be anything. The treasure isn't necessarily at the indicated location. You can find x at the ice cream shop you had been too lazy to go to or a cool, dark movie theater in which you fall asleep until everyone else has left and the usher has to kick you out. The treasure map is only an instigator; the real treasure is found by the hunter.
lullabywave   
Jan 3, 2011
Undergraduate / ''increasing number of robberies'' admission essay [3]

Only in 2009 there were already about 700 stores victim to these robberies.
^This is a bit awkward -- I suggest: "By 2009 there were" or "The year was only 2009 and there were"

One of those stores was the Gamestore E-Plaza in Houten, where I was working at Friday March 13th when such an incident happened .
^The format is messy; it works but you sound like you're in elementary school. In think you should split this into two shorter sentences.

Misfortune? Maybe. But the one thing that is certain is that this evening turned my life upside down. While the whole robbery took less than one minute, it felt like taking hours .

^Doesn't make sense the way you've written it. "it felt like hours" or "it felt like it took hours" are more appropriate.

At around half past eight p.m. , an armed man entered my store, threatening me. Many people would freak out, but I stayed calm, kept thinking and did not panic. I did as the man told me to do , giving him the money in a bag and in a few seconds he was already gone. It was that moment I realized what had just happened. Then I could call 911.

^in the previous sentence you described many moments, you should specify which moment you are talking about.

I don't want to correct the rest because I think you should rewrite it. Right now you seem like a Merusault type in that you don't care about what most people would find important. The formalities of catching a criminal - something most people should find satisfying or justified - is a pain. At least, this is how I read it, and I think how most people would understand it. I'm 99% sure that this is image is not what an admissions officer looks for in a prospective student.

Use your level headed thinking to show yourself in a more positive light.
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