Unanswered [25] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by aznpoo
Joined: Feb 17, 2007
Last Post: Oct 12, 2013
Threads: 7
Posts: 23  

From: Canada

Displayed posts: 30
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
aznpoo   
Oct 12, 2013
Scholarship / CHALENGE / PERSONAL LIFE ESSAY-CCI [3]

There are many grammatical errors in your essays, for example I signed up in high school as a navigator Indonesian airlines plane (Sekolah Tinggi Penerbangan Indonesia). And yeah, my choice is also supported by my parents.In highschool, I signed up as a navigator for an Indonesian airline called, Sekolah Tinggi Penerbangan Indonesia.
aznpoo   
Oct 6, 2009
Student Talk / How to improve English writing? Learning through reading. [130]

English is my second language, by no means did I ever consider it as my second language. I'm quite retarded when it comes languages period, I understand English fluently more so than my mother tongue but I still feels I have yet to have a good grasp on it. There's so many "wrong" and "right" examples; however, I really don't know how to tell which one is the correct version. I usually based on the "correctness" on the flow or the rhythm of the sentence!
aznpoo   
Oct 6, 2009
Student Talk / Six "W" on transcript! [8]

Ah, I have two and to get into my "dream" school I had to talk to the head of the department, after writing an essay explaining the reasons. Then I got rejected...
aznpoo   
Oct 6, 2009
Poetry / What style is this? Is it even poetry? [12]

^
beautiful poem. I agree with the previous poster.
There is a rhythm and a great sense of imagery. I too want to know what is / are a "meter" is it a type of measurement for syllables?
aznpoo   
Oct 6, 2009
Writing Feedback / Persuasive Essay on Oedipus Rex: Oedipus's guilty for the tragic events that happen to him [4]

^
Yup, I am liking it a lot better. I still think you should include, what type of action he took that causes his fate to be what it was. About the "and's", i meant you shouldn't include multiplies of it in a sentence.

Why not include some more direct quote from the play into the essay? Please italicize them, when you do.
aznpoo   
Oct 6, 2009
Grammar, Usage / How to avoid contractions in writing? [11]

I heard in Europe that they don't use contraction, while in america/canada we do.
Either way, since birth I was taught to use it. In paper i do avoid using it, because it can get confusing for me, because it may means possessive.
aznpoo   
Oct 6, 2009
Writing Feedback / Persuasive Essay on Oedipus Rex: Oedipus's guilty for the tragic events that happen to him [4]

In the tragedy of Oedipus Rex, it is Oedipus who is responsible for the fulfillment of his own catastrophic fate. In the Aristotelian tradition of the tragic play, it is by the hand of his own flaws that he creates a ripple, waving on the misfortunes of his wife taking her life, his children being cast from their home, and the eventual blinding and exiling of himself. It is Oedipus's pride that is his tragic flaw.

Comma's crazy much?

Why are there two "and's" in that sentence? I would find a way to chop this huge sentence into smaller blocks. You should emphasize or add more clarity to your thesis. How did oedipus's pride eventually lead to his demise?
aznpoo   
May 15, 2007
Poetry / Dry Loaf poem; Essay topic (deciphering poetry)..Too confusing [2]

Poem- Dry Loaf

genius.com/Wallace-stevens-dry-loaf-annotated

Assignment: What do this text suggest to you about the role self-respect plays in an individual's response to injustice? Support your idea(s) and make a reference to the text.

My questions: I truly don't even get what the poem is saying, all I know is it involve with wars and soldiers, please help me decipher this poem and help me relate with the essay topic.
aznpoo   
May 15, 2007
Grammar, Usage / Metaphors in essay? Or similies or personification? [4]

I love using these three to spice up my writing, but usually in essay this may confused some people. My teacher advises me to not use metaphor, keep it simplistic and clear. Of course I want my writing to be understandable, but I don't want it to be too "clear", I want it to be interesting rather than a dull essay filled with facts.

For example:

"Like an iceberg, Polonius showing only 1/8th of his character above the surface"

Teacher edit: "Polonius is a mischievous man"

teacher: Remove all [urlc=hhttps://essayforum.com/grammar/metaphor-constantly-hearing-using-daily-lives-182/]metaphors[/url], similies that could distract someone. To make this more understandable and clear.

Me: Truly I don't see any problem, I think that sentence is not confusing at all. (Maybe I'm stubborn). My teacher edits is definitly more clear...but too plain and not my writing style.

I'm not sure, but is my sentence in passive voice or active voice? My teacher edit is definitly active voice.
aznpoo   
Mar 24, 2007
Essays / [political paper] To what extent should government be formed..... [2]

Here is the question:

To what extent should governement be formed through competition among political parties.

I get what it is asking, but honestly I don't know how to answer this. I'm confuse when it say "to what extent". Would you please give me some examples or atleast ideas how to start this political paper
aznpoo   
Mar 11, 2007
Book Reports / 'Hamlet delays his revenge' - Another Hamlet essay [8]

About passive voice, what if you arn't allow to use the word "I"? Can't past and present be together in some sentences? such as "Chained to the castle, the pitiful ghost, Hamlet, appears in front of his son, catalyzing the inevitability and demanding Claudius to be put to justice, which was necessary to give the tormented soul repose.

Does all of these have to be all in the same tense?
aznpoo   
Mar 10, 2007
Book Reports / 'Hamlet delays his revenge' - Another Hamlet essay [8]

The ghost is also called "hamlet", Hamlet was name after his father. How would I be able to make a smooth transition from the hamlet critical essay to my personal essay? Yes it is mandatory to include personal life in it. Yes I got the sentence from a site, I have reworded it so it would be my own.
aznpoo   
Mar 6, 2007
Book Reports / 'Hamlet delays his revenge' - Another Hamlet essay [8]

Merged:

The Hamlet in Me - By finding Indirections we find Directions out



I decided to choose a simpler aphorism and do an essay on it. Just to make sure about the meaning of this aphorism, does it has to do something about appearance and their reality?

Is this essay a much better improvement then the previous one I did?

The Hamlet in Me

Deep within the castle of Elsinnore lurks a despicable creature that uses the blood of his own brother to feed his infinite ambitions. Moving swiftly and cautiously toward the king's orchard, Claudius the venomous chameleon pours the vial of toxin into the ear of his unsuspecting prey. Chained to the castle, the pitiful ghost, Hamlet, appears in front of his son, catalyzing the inevitability and demanding Claudius to be put to justice, which was necessary to give the tormented soul repose. While questioning his conscience whether to believe the ghost or not, Hamlet constructed a plan to prove the ghost's sincerity; a façade was created. However, due to his over-analytical manner and the complexity of the ghost's conditions, much time passes before Hamlet can carry out his orders. Shakespeare developed the idea that, by finding "indirections" we find "directions" out. Hamlet, Claudius and Polonius each inherit a chameleon's characteristic; the ability to camouflage and disguise itself in order to blend in with the changing environment and deceive its prey. This ability serves two purposes, an offense and a defense mechanism.

Polonius, the master of using "indirections", give us a vivid description on how deceits can be used to find out the truth. Before Laertes take off to Paris, Polonius gave his son some fatherly advices but in reality these advices turn out to be meaningless, hollow, and hypocritical. Like an iceberg, showing only one-eighth of his character above the surface, we see him set up an elaborate scheme to spy on his own son. "And thus do we of wisdom and of reach, / with windlasses and with assays of bias, / by indirections find directions out" (II.I.61-63), says Polonius, boasting of his ability to discover the real truth about his son's behavior in Paris.

After the play within the play, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern questioned Hamlet, the reasons for his insanity. Hamlet then handed these two a pipe and asked them to play a tune. When they can't, he mocked them, "Do you think I am easier to be played on than a pipe? Call me what instrument you will, though you can fret me, you cannot play upon me." (III.II.363-365). Hamlet realized that these characters were using "indirections", in hoping to receive some answers from Hamlet's guarded mouth, so they won't return empty handed to Claudius.

While Rosencrantz and Guildenstern failed in finding out the causes of Hamlet's madness, the mischievous Polonius uses his daughter, Ophelia, as a tool, to seduce Hamlet into revealing the truth. Once again the attempt failed and result Ophelia to be heartbroken. The characters in Hamlet seem to assume that the people around them are deceiving them, and trust cannot be given to just anybody, including the person you most love. "Hamlet: We are arrant knaves all; believe none of us. Go thy ways to a nunnery. Where's your father?" (III.I.137-139). Hamlet realizes that Polonius was hiding behind the curtains eavesdropping into their conversation. Hamlet main objective is to figure out if Ophelia is trying to deceive him, by asking "where is your father". Ophelia responded, "At home, my lord". Betray by Ophelia, Hamlet, experiencing bouts of uncontrollable rage, releases it upon the foolish girl.

Hamlet's "antic-disposition" act as a defensive mechanism to hide from his predators in order to carry out his ulterior motives. Hamlet was first introduced as an attractive, young gentleman, but both his appearance and behavior were change as the play develops. Ophelia, among other characters, Shakespeare uses her most to describe Hamlet "antic-disposition". "Lady shall I lie in your lap?" (III.II.107-108), this humorous question was asked right after Hamlet releases his rage upon Ophelia, giving the audience a piece of Hamlet superior acting skills when his predators are around.

Throughout my grade eight years, bullies were overpopulated and needed to be weeded out. In order to eradicate these annoying, unintelligent pests, a plan was needed. The first step included bribing these fools with sugar coated sweets, this in turn developed "friendship" among the bully and the one being bullied and their daily target would change. Of course, my revenge doesn't end there. They needed to be EXTERMINATED, to prevent others from getting sabotage.

During unit exams, these fools would cheat off each other, hoping to receive good marks. The results were as followed, "Billy Madison 28%, Scott Malcolm 32%..." Knowing these rascals would copy answers from me while my desk is unoccupied, immediately to take upon my revenge, the answers that were on my Scantron were switch from "a" to "b" and vice versa. As I return to my desk, before handing in the test the answers were re-corrected. Over time their test results and their incomplete assignments reflected in their report card, and were later forced by the administrators to repeat grade eight. The build up rage over the year was finally release, instead of throwing a fist it was release through a more civilize manner. In order to carry out my ulterior motives, the body and mind has to adapt to its changing environment; a façade like Hamlet was created. When opportunity is given and timing is just right, it is time to gobble up your prey. Hence, appearance may not be the reality.

In the end, this belief system "By finding indirections we find directions out" causes the downfall of every main character in the play. Only Hamlet was successful at using this technique, to revealed Claudius's secrets, by reenacting the gruesome murder of Priam, which serves to mirror Claudius previous actions. As each character is presented in the play most appear to be good and honest, making it a difficult task for Hamlet to uncover the hidden truth about the nature of each character. To expose their nature, Hamlet must first cover his own and thus that is how Hamlet seeks upon his revenge.
aznpoo   
Mar 4, 2007
Book Reports / 'Hamlet delays his revenge' - Another Hamlet essay [8]

Basically you have to choose one epigram or aphorism, which I have no clue does these mean. I decided to chose "Revenge is a dish best served cold"~ I think it mean if you are able to cool down and calm you will have a sweeter revenge? The longer the revenge the sweeter it is?

My essay is junk, I can't think of anything I need some serious help. I also need to relate this in a personal point of view? how do I make this essay more critical?

--------------------essay----------------------------------- --------------

Whether we are planning to propose to a love one or executing justice and righteousness upon a wrongdoer. A detailed plan containing all the steps of the task is required, in order to get the desired result. In the play Hamlet, Shakespeare developed the idea that revenge is best served cold. The former king of Denmark appears in front of Hamlet, catalyzing events that are bound to happen. While questioning his conscience whether to believe the ghost or not, Hamlet has already constructed a plan to prove the ghost's sincerity. Hamlet is a character that never seeks revenge in the "heat" of the moment; he rather much preferred being calm and seeks his revenge in a more civilized manner. Hamlet delays his revenge; due to various reasons such as avoiding unnecessary conflicts, and while improving his ideal plan. His ideal plan consists when the opposition is not aware of his true intentions and strike when they're least expected.

"Hamlet (letter to Ophelia): 'to the celestial and my soul's, the most
Beautified Ophelia,'--- that's an ill phrase,
A vile phrase, 'beautified' is a vile phrase.
But you shall hear. Thus: [read:]
'In her excellent white bosom, these, etc.' (II, 2, 15-20)

Hamlet uses his love for Ophelia to deceive the spies that was sent by Claudius, and when confronted face to face with Claudius or his minions he puts up an antic-disposition. Throughout he Act, Hamlet was perceived as having no intelligence, like a fool and as well as a madman. This was a façade that Hamlet puts up, in order carry to out his ulterior motives.

"Hamlet: Now might I do it pat, now he is praying.
And now I'll do it. And so he goes to heaven.
And so am I revenge. That would be scanned:
A villain kills my father, and for that,
I, his sole son, do this same villain send
To heaven...
When he is drunk asleep, or in his rage,
Or in the incestuous pleasure of his bed,
At gaming, swearing, or about to act
That has no relish of salvation in it,
Then trip him, and his heels may kick at heaven,
And that his soul may be as damned and black
As hell"

After observing Claudius's reactions toward the play, "The Mouse Trap", Hamlet is convinced that Claudius was responsible for his father's death. While Hamlet is prepared to unsheathe his blade and pierced through Claudius's body, he caught the villain praying to god for forgiveness. Hamlet hesitates whether to kill this corrupted old man or spared his life temporary. Though the church mandates through its moral code that Hamlet not take revenge, Hamlet tries to find the worst fate for his devious uncle possible, through this Claudius will die suffering the rest of his eternity tormented in the netherworld.

Hamlet wanted this revenge to be merciless and extreme cold blooded for Claudius, a revenge based on pure hatred. The cold blooded animal that Hamlet has become was all due to Claudius previous actions. Two wrongs never make a right. Everyone from the youngest child to the oldest adult would say that revenge is wrong. Shakespeare skillfully makes us totally ignore this simple and obvious belief, and the longer the revenge the sweeter it is. Denmark's chaos and deceitful kingdom is now eradicated, and Hamlet ghost can now rest in peace.
aznpoo   
Feb 28, 2007
Book Reports / Accident or Suicide? Ophelia Death (Hamlet) half done essay [3]

I had to write an essay to support my view on Ophelia death, becuase my english teacher did not accept my "suicide" poem that is use to reflect the death motif oh Hamlet. His response was "Nobody in Hamlet killed themselves" I said "Ophelia did". The play did not directly say that her death was a sucide but one can assume it was. So here is an essay I have to write, while others students don't have to.

Please help me come up of a better title and edit my first part of essay please

Here is the whole entire essay, I hope it is not that confusing. Please help me. I don't really know how to end the essay properly...lol

---------------------------------------Accident or Suicide?

Denied the freedom of speech, she cannot survive the contemptuous conversations of the cruel world. Throughout the play Ophelia represented the floral motif; beautiful but yet fragile. Being a female in a kingdom filled with chaos and deceptions, the innocent Ophelia force to keep silent and obey to the domineering men in her life. Although Ophelia is not the focal character in Hamlet, the audience can not help to feel sympathetic toward a character who has undergoes emotional and physical suffrages throughout this tragedy. With the queen descriptive details and the priest comments on the manner of her death, we can then conclude that Ophelia death was a suicide not an accident.

"Queen: Fell in the weeping brook. Her clothes spread wide, and mermaid-like awhile they bore her up, which time she chanted snatches of old tune, as one incapable of her own distress, or like a creature native and indued unto that element." (IV, VII: 190-195)

Shakespeare has deliberately left Ophelia's death with a question mark over whether it was an accident or suicide. He has done this to allow the audience to picture her death as they wanted to. As she dies she sings "snatches of old tunes". We are thus encouraged to believe without struggle, the singing maiden surrendered to the water and drowned. Ophelia, driven insane by Hamlet's cruelty and the murder of her beloved father, plunges from a tree branch and then into a river. Although her fall may be an accident, Ophelia makes no attempt to save herself, and thus her drowning is viewed as a suicide. Gertrude described her death as "mermaid-like". Shakespeare has used this language to add a sense of calm and peacefulness. In another sense Ophelia has accepted this fate, nor once did she resist or fight back the river current.

"Gravedigger: Is she getting a Christian burial, even though she willfully took her own life?" (V, I: 1-2)

"Gravedigger: For here lies the point; if I drown myself wittingly, it argues an act, and an act hath three branches - it is to act, to do, to perform; argal, she drowned herself wittingly." (V, I: 9-11)

"If she hadn't been a gentlewoman, she wouldn't get a Christian Burial," commented the gravedigger. Just days has passed after Ophelia drowning incident, the kingdom begin to question the legitimacy of Ophelia burial, due to the manner of her death. During the medieval era, self-murder was a mortal sin in the eyes of the Church, penalized by prohibition of burial in consecrated ground. Even the priest made comments how it would abuse the Christian burial system if he was to sang a solemn dirge and laid her to rest like a soul that die in peace. If this was not a suicide, Shakespeare wouldn't add the "mermaid" imageries and the reoccurring topics about the legitimacy of her burial. In most Shakespearean plays such as "Romeo and Juliet", "Macbeth" the female protagonist tends to resort to suicide, this play is not an exception. When Juliet found out that Romeo has died, she immediately drank the poison without any hesitation. While in "Macbeth", Lady Macbeth conscience affects her to such an extent that she eventually commits suicide.
aznpoo   
Feb 21, 2007
Writing Feedback / Your career must compliment yourself; Career Choice [4]

It is pretty organize and neat. More metaphor and imagery could help to bring out your essay.
This is your thesis "Your career must compliment yourself." Prove it! This is very arugable, becuase there are some people in the world that have a career (job) that they dislike, but still going at it, due to the benefits. It's a good thesis!

I was taught to not to use "I" in a sentence, it is much safer. You can use "I" but it is a bit risky.
aznpoo   
Feb 21, 2007
Poetry / My "suicide note"! (suicide poetry) [2]

Please proofread it, if it make sense or not. If I were to leave out the title will you still be able to figure out it is a suicide poetry?

My suicide note

While I contemplate to live or not,
The noose has already determined my fate.
The night became much lonelier,
As it disappear.
Nevermore will I see a tomorrow,
Nevermore will I touch your face,
Nevermore will I ever feel pain.
It was too late, I was in too deep.
As I was grasping for air,
My body drifted away.
It was a sign from above,
The process is complete.
aznpoo   
Feb 21, 2007
Undergraduate / Time in Terelj - descriptive essay [4]

The motivator is not strong enough to capture a reader attention, and the thesis isn't that much better, it doesn't even sound like a thesis. This would make a great short story, but in an essay you need a little bit of an improvement. The essay sound more like a story.

What do you mean by "opportunities"? Job opportunties? In an essay, you need to be precise and cut out the useless information.

"all Mongolians like airag" In essays avoid using "all" "none", not every mongolians like airag. Change it to "most".

Your essay is definitly descriptive, great job!
aznpoo   
Feb 21, 2007
Essays / could u check my thesis; is it strong enough? [8]

I don't even get what your thesis is about. No, it is not a strong thesis.

A thesis is what you stand for, your opinion. For example. "Through going to school everyday, we will receive a great career". Now prove this statement through ur body paragraphs.

"Terelj holds many jobs opportunities and a great tourist attraction" ~ even this is not a strong thesis.
aznpoo   
Feb 21, 2007
Writing Feedback / 'My Friend Moni' - this is my first descriptive essay for grade [4]

Moni was a girl I used to hang out with back when I was in first grade in high school. She was a really good friend to me, and since I was new to the school, she made me feel like I wasn't alone. We would play basketball a lot and eat cookies whenever I went over to her house after school. She was kind of tall, so when we played basketball, she would usually beat the snot out of me because she was taller than I was. She never would say anything to hurt my feelings. She would laugh all the time, but it was sort of fake, as if there was something underneath. Moni grew up in different city which is named Darkhan and her dad was a construction worker and her mom a certified dietician. She had an extreme love for basketball, and whenever she would play in championship, she would be the first one at the game.

Edited version.

I used to have a great friend friend in highschool named Moni, in which I could hang out and express my feeling to everyday. In the evening we would play basketball, eat cookies and most often hang out at her place afterschool. Due to her height advantages, she would beat the snot out of me. This young women would never say or do anything to harm me, in order to make make smile she would sometime release a fake laugh or smile. She grew up in a differernt city known as Darkhan. Her father was a contruction worker, while her mother was a certifie dieticuan. She has an extreame passion for basketball, whenever there was championship being played, she would be the first one to arrive.
aznpoo   
Feb 20, 2007
Writing Feedback / William Osler - Can someone edit my introduction [10]

I just receive back the "edited" version, after I sent this back to my teacher, immediatly got rejected and sent back with some of his errors. I don't get what does he mean by this.

The government should intervene more with rehabilitation rather than giving the homeless a daily meal voucher; this, in turn, will develop the concept of self-reliance among the homeless rather than making them independent(Did you mean to say independent?)on the government for aid. ~ If I change this to "independent", it will have a differenr't meaning, is my english that bad that a teacher can't even understand what I am saying?.

From time to time, I would notice a human-like animal, searching through the vast garbage in search for nothing more then(metaphorically speaking)Why use the brackets?a can of dog food. ~Can't you use brackets in a personal essay?

Unfortunately, over a period of two weeks I saw the same
teenager in the local obituary.
(Is a little hard to believe?) ~How do I make this more believable? What a critic...

And my essay was reduce to 75%, because the rest was useless infomormation. Most of my metaphor was strip away, changing my essay into a dull and boring personal essay. This is so stressful!
aznpoo   
Feb 20, 2007
Writing Feedback / Monetary Policy Paper - Is this okay... thank you [3]

I'm not good at this, but for ur second paragraph. You're introduction is quite ummm...simple?

"What is Monetary Policy as define by Wikipedia?" I don't think it is necessariliy to include a question into an essay. It is fine with just the explaination.

We live in a nation where everyone wants to have a job of some sort; whether it is being a teacher, government's worker, chef or many other interesting jobs that is being offered here in the United States. We all want to be employ, secure, and not the other way around. (option)

Just by 2 cent, I'll let the professional do the Real job!

I absolute love how you cite your sources, that is what I need to learn
aznpoo   
Feb 19, 2007
Writing Feedback / William Osler - Can someone edit my introduction [10]

Sarah you are great, I wish there is a way to repay for all you have done for me. Please keep on helping other people you're a great person and a commodity!!! You manage to change some sentence without changing my concept and you made it ever clearer, I wish you were my teacher!!!

I have follow with all your correction, Hope i get a good mark this time.

THANX A BUNCH!!!!
aznpoo   
Feb 18, 2007
Writing Feedback / Essay about the disappointments you faced in life [3]

The first disappointment which I faced was when i first knew that my mother had cancer. Tears welled in my eyes. My lips began to quiver and I cried my heart out. I loved my mother more than anything in the world. As she was now on complete bed rest I had to take care of the house. I had become more responsible and tried my best but it felt like and extra burden on my shoulders. Everyday i had to nurse my mother, help my grandmother with the household chores, send my sister to school and help her with the homework. my studies were affected as i was missing school due to the situation at home. Still i never complained and did my work with sincerety and loyalty to my mother. As time passed by she was gradually recovering and by the she had fully recovered all my troubles were over. I thanked god that my mother was saved from this killer disease and that she was living a healthy life now.

What I've notice is a bunch of "I" "I am depress" "I am sad" "I work too hard". Try to rearange you're wording so there won't be "mini" sentences. Here an example what I would of wrote.

When my mother softly whisper to my ear that she had developed [Insert name of cancer here], my world started to tremble, my heart was pounding a million beats per second and my eyes were dehydrated from the excessive tears that were leaking out.
aznpoo   
Feb 18, 2007
Writing Feedback / William Osler - Can someone edit my introduction [10]

Thanx sarah, you have no clue how much help you have done to me. You compliment me and gave me hope that I could write a better essay. I will keep on trying, and I hope you will keep on helping me. I will post my whole essay tommorow, and please use you're talent to guide me through this.
aznpoo   
Feb 17, 2007
Writing Feedback / William Osler - Can someone edit my introduction [10]

Thanx sarah, I will try my best. I will ge tback to you in like 2 hours with the intro corrected, you are really a help cause english is my second language.
aznpoo   
Feb 17, 2007
Undergraduate / Summer in a Mongolian place [3]

What you need is a motivator to capture the reader attention, sure it is great you went to all these places but is it neccessarly to include all of this? Is this a junior high school essay? I don't even think you have a thesis. This is more of a research paper then an essay
aznpoo   
Feb 17, 2007
Writing Feedback / William Osler - Can someone edit my introduction [10]

I have been mention in the past my essay is extreamly confusing, I'm wondering if you understand the first part of my introduction. While you're at it, please feel free to edit I really need to get thsi essay done and get good marks.

-----------Essay-----------------------

If only my teacher were able to see through your eyes or mine. Should I write essay that will suit his needs or mine? Some of his 'correction" seem very unreasonable, I like the uses of metaphor in essay but his concept is to keep it "simple". I guess hes right for the most part, well here is my entire essay, thanks for helping me so far again. English is my second language and I have alway struggle in this, this really mean a lot to me. for the most part I have follow you and my english teacher. ps: Do you think he asking too much?

The conclusion seem very confusing, please reedit it so it will make sense for most people :)

The Opportunist

The body of the indigent William Osler was discovered near Calgary's 17 Avenue under a bridge.
William Osler had been filling his empty stomach from thrown out delicacies, untouched, that were left behind by a wealthy family of four and their dog. His daily routine included, probing through other people's backyard, in hoping to find a bone with a scrap of meat still hanging on it. His dignity and honor was set aside throughout the day, because his hunger has created a mind of its own; his continued existence was motivated not by the pumping of his heart or the drawing of breath into his lungs, but only by the incessant gnawing in his gut. William's misfortune was the result from past experiences with dealing with drugs. Often, these kinds of stories tend to be narrated through people that had experiences with gambling, drinking, or smoking. For most people that live under the poverty line, their immediate assumption is that their fate has already been determined. Opportunities were always open to William, due to Calgary booming economy, jobs were everywhere. He just rarely took the initiative to apply for a job, assuming every work place would reject him base on his social status. Hence, one of humanity mistakes is their inability to strive to the fullest when opportunities was given, but they would rather focus on the short term pleasures created by either entering into a casino or injecting the ten milligrams of cocaine into their bloodstream.

During a period of one year, an average news reporter would report 93 panhandler deaths or eight homeless deaths monthly. During this period, most of these homeless didn't make any attempts to move up the social ladder, in the end we see them munching on the excess portion of Paris Hilton Chihuahua. These people had the opportunities to do better in their adolescence years, but made bad choices.

As I stand above the Calgary tower, only looking up and dare not to look down, fearing that this beautiful image may disappear. I can see the vast skies, an office in the Energy Resources Building with my name cast on it, and a home in the upper class area of the city. As the sun set, I was suppose to get home, watch the 6 'o clock news and do a report on the 2005 feudal election. While waiting for the arrival of my train, an incident occurred. I was approach by a teenager about my age, requesting for a ten dollar bill. "I haven't eaten for days, would you kind sir lend me some money" pleaded the helpless stranger. This approach was rather overused but with the perfect facial expression it got the job done. As I move toward the entrance to my train, I saw my charity money was being transformed into a package of cigarettes. I was agitated at this stranger but more so at myself. This stranger had just used my generosity as a token to the gateway to drugs; in another sense I gave him an opportunity to change his fortune, but he took it for granted and made a fool out of me.

Unfortunately, over a period of two weeks I saw the same teenager on the local obituary. I, somewhat felt responsible for this man death, because I was one of the numskulls, indirectly, was buying him his drugs. From time to time, I would notice a human-like animal, searching through the vast garbage in search for nothing more then (metaphorically speaking) a can of dog food. What differentiates me and this human-like animal is that I eat off the table, while he eats off same ground everybody walk on. Despite the increase in social welfare program in attempt to cure homelessness, the rate just keep on rising. The government should have intervened more on rehabilitation rather then giving them a daily meal voucher; this in return will develop the concept of self-reliance among the homelessness rather then being dependent on the government for aid. All in all, it is in our human nature to focus more on the short term pleasures, which may lead to our own demise. Human belief and teachings act as an opposition toward this nature, attempting to balance the yin and yang in one 'self.
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳