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Posts by desm2012
Joined: Oct 19, 2011
Last Post: Dec 26, 2011
Threads: 6
Posts: 36  

From: United States of America

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desm2012   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'The office workers' - Common App EC essay about debate [11]

Thank you very much guys!
@ zhaoyihao, thanks for pointing that out. It's fixed.
@kwikandrew, thank you :)
@cherrybomb94, ha funnily enough I actually have changed that 'my chilhood sentence' to "Many of my childhood memories consist of my best friend coaxing me to sing, and of her mother knowing it was me on the phone if she couldn't hear "hello." " because I agree, it did sound very strange.

I'm going to talk to my English teacher about the ending, because it's not where I want it to be. I'm glad you agree with me.
desm2012   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'My cousin, Trent' - ApplyTexas Significant Influence [15]

Well, I put that b/c @ the time I was 12, and now I'm 17 so I don't listen to her anymore. Do you think the admissions officer would pick up on that? Or should I change it to "Today, I can no longer name a Kelly Clarkson song[...]" or ?
desm2012   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / "The Core Curriculum": my Why Columbia essay [3]

Western should be capitalized.

" The Core wouldwill broaden my perspective on the key questions facing our society and our world." Remember, this is your future! I think it sounds a lot more powerful if would = will throughout the essay.

Some of your stuff sounds like it was taken directly from the 'about The Core' on Columbia's website, especially how you end the essay ([...], and that will equip me to lead a meaningful life long after graduation.")

Grammatically it seems pretty sound to me, and the only thing I could suggest conceptually is perhaps personalizing it more. Do you have a dream for the world? For society? If so, share it with Columbia and explain how The Core will help you put it into action.

PS If you could look over my EC Debate essay, that'd be great. Thanks!
desm2012   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'never agree with my friends out of fear' - Yale Supplement Essay Help [3]

By integrated do you mean interrogated?

It was v. daring of you to choose this subject, and I think it will make you stand out. Were you charged with anything or just detained?

I don't think "irate" is the right word for "we quickly became irate and decided to play basketball" it sound more like you quickly became bored.

"condemned as a cowered by my friends." condemned as a coward by my friends
desm2012   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'my school chorus' - common app essay [4]

I really love the imagery of a you practicing with the fistful of rice, etc. It reminds me of something George Antheil once said about getting the chance to play in Europe, and practicing 16 hours a day even after being called one of the best young pianists in America.

Your joy really comes through.
A few things:

I think you could combine these two sentences "In memory, I was lifted up onto the piano stool, with feet suspended, choosing to play it, not the violin, simply because I could sit during the performance. That year, I was four in kindergarten."

to I remember, as a four year old, being lifted up onto the piano stool, feet suspended, and choosing to play it simply because I could sit while I performed.

I changed "sit during the performance" to "sit while I performed" because the latter is more active. YOU are performing.

"I played the children's tune cheerfully and unmindfully as any kid would do,"
I think I played the children's tunes cheerfully as any kid would flows better, because when you say 'the children's tune' it makes me wonder what song you're talking about exactly, and I think you mean children's tunes as a generality.

There are a few words I think you could substitute with others- you say vibration, and harmony twice each. This wouldn't normally be a problem, but in such a short essay, that kind of stuff is much more noticeable.

Great essay, all in all.

Would you mind reading my EC one?
desm2012   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'The office workers' - Common App EC essay about debate [11]

@flutenerd
I think it should be too, but my word changed it to "I" so I was like, maybe I should get a 2nd opinion on this...

That sounds good, thanks.

@lamb448
I'm trying to avoid abbreviations and stuff bc I don't think they look very pro.
Here's my essay again, now it's exactly 1000 characters w/ spaces lmao

I'm afraid it doesn't really flow. Do you guys think that's a problem?
desm2012   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'writing lists' - one thing that I love doing for absolutely no reason [9]

It sounds good. You still need to fix that "My favorite kinds of list to write" thing though. It should be "My favorite kinds of lists to write"

I think it sounds great except for the second phrase of your last sentence. It still doesn't sound complete to me.

Would you mind reading my EC one?
desm2012   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'writing lists' - one thing that I love doing for absolutely no reason [9]

OMG. This is me!!! You are 15 words over the limit, so you should try condensing little things-
"relieves a lot of stress" to "relaxes me"
"everything I can cross off" to "everything I cross off"

"My favorite kinds of list to write, though, are the lists of things I want to do for enjoyment, the most recent being of the things I want to do over winter break."

My favorite kinds of lists to make, though, are the list of things I want to do-- the most recent being of things to do over winter break.

While they probably won't all happen, adding to this list gives me a temporary escape to a dream world.

I feel like the last sentence needs more panache.

Good luck, I love this!
desm2012   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'three puffs of my inhaler' - Common app essay [3]

you should change the first sentence to "Thirty minutes before my race, I take three puffs of my inhaler." The following sentences about you having asthma make the fact you have to take it at every time, pretty clear. and even if it doesn't, it doesn't really matter.

with asthma can compete against them

I think you should delete "but I accept their challenge." I mean, if you're racing, then you're accepting the challenge, right?

"ridiculous pelvis high, cherry red track shorts."
ridiculous high-waisted, cherry red shorts.
pelvis high sounds awkward

"I pretend it's a fighting movie-- when the boxer enters the ring for the first time, and he looks around to see the crowd yelling in slow motion. No sound from the cheers though, it's replaced by the fast thumping of his beating heart."

^ you should change this to first person, like
I pretend I'm a boxer first entering the ring, looking around at the crowd yelling in slow motion. I can't hear the cheers though, just the fast thumping of my beating heart.

Then, the gun goes off and my feet start to move.

Right now, the stereotypical analogy be that I sprinted off like a cheetah, but a cheetahs don't struggle.

So many questions run through my mind during the first few seconds: is my form okay? Did I take my inhaler the right way? Was my start off efficient? You want to present yourself positively, even if you are questioning yourself.

"Halfway done and I think I'm leading." How many meters is halfway for this race? Numbers sound cool.

I hear another sprinter's footsteps close behind me.

You should stick with one comparison- are you a soldier, a cop, or a knight? I'd suggest a cop. World War Two is kind of a serious thing that you don't want to put 'fun' next to... And then just elaborate on that one comparison
desm2012   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'The office workers' - Common App EC essay about debate [11]

It is 1076 characters with spaces, so I think I need to cut it down. So please let me know what is superfluous, any grammatical mistakes (I'm not sure if it should be I or me in "and of her mother knowing it was I on the phone..."), and I guess how the essay makes you feel. Do you think it's right for the topic?

--

The office workers stare at my debate partner and I as we try our best to be quiet while carrying 20 pounds of paper and an intimidating collection of pens down a flight of stairs. It's not easy, but we make it to the street with only a few minor disasters. Then, we scream.

A few years ago, I wouldn't have shouted in celebration in the middle of a crowded Manhattan sidewalk. I would have grinned, certainly. But making noise, even raising my voice above a whisper, would have been out of the question. In fact, until joining debate in 9th grade, I barely spoke at all. My childhood was filled with my best friend coaxing me to sing, and of her mother knowing it was I on the phone if she couldn't hear "hello."

But when a friend convinced me to join debate, all of that changed. I found a place where it was encouraged to say all the things I thought, where even the most esoteric ideas were lent an ear. I loved it, and my voice grew louder and louder, culminating in the jubilant scream I had held in since the judges made a "3-0 decision for the affirmative." I am heard.
desm2012   
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'My cousin, Trent' - ApplyTexas Significant Influence [15]

Well, that was kind of the point. That he's an idol to me and then I find out about all this bad stuff he was doing, i.e. drugs.

The grammar is correct, actually.
Yeah, I think I'm going to add another paragraph talking about how this experience + my relationship w/ him made me realize that I am my own person and I don't need the approval of someone else to validate myself.

It's not really supposed to be an essay about how something good he did inspired me. It's about the things he did wrong that inspired me.
desm2012   
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Thanksgiving 2011' - Harvard Essay [8]

aw thats was cute. i smiled. your passion for this subject really comes through.

"it is not only my pleasure but also my responsibility"
it is not my pleasure, but my responsibility

"I had sneaked into Hardy's doors as an intimidated seventh grader"
I snuck into Hardy's doors as an intimidated seventh grader"

I feel like the last part of your essay "As the 2011 school year approached[...]Ping-Pong skills." is kind of just a recitation of your accomplishments. Isn't that stuff already on your application? I feel like you could take it out and let the reader focus completely on this individual accomplishment (the brochure thing) to exemplify your love for Sino-U.S. relations.

P.S.
Would you help me with mine? "My cousin, Trent"
desm2012   
Dec 20, 2011
Undergraduate / 'My cousin, Trent' - ApplyTexas Significant Influence [15]

Sorry for bumping this...But uhm, I'm going to use this for the Common App "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence" essay

Right now, this essay is 533 words. It's only supposed to be 500 words. I don't know if I should add on more, like a better conclusion, and then delete something else?

And if I do add a conclusion, should it be like, "5 years later...blahblahblah?"

HELP
desm2012   
Nov 29, 2011
Undergraduate / what order should these sentences go in? UT Austin Plan II Essay [2]

The prompt is "Please write five sentences describing yourself, your life, and your experiences that taken together form an accurate view of who you are.

Be creative.
Do not list what was provided in the extracurricular activities section.
Please number the sentences 1 through 5."

1. The Dalai Lama is so filled with light, so genuinely kind, and so humble that I nearly cried just standing before him while he pushed back the chair designated especially for him so it would be in line with all of the others.

2. Looking up and finding an unexpected path, putting my foot down at just the right angle, the tight feeling of holding on, watching everything happening so far below; Rock climbing is exhilarating.

3. Mud splattered past my knees, hair sticking to the back of my neck, my ankle pangs from stepping in a ditch while shooting an assist to the striker, but it's alright, because when I'm sliding into someone twice my size, racing for that ball, I am alive.

4. My vision, Anythought.com: A place where people can post any ideas they have, no matter the complexity (or simplicity), and others can discuss ways to improve these ideas and make them real-anywhere in the world, everyone can help shape a single idea into perfect practice.

5. When I was little, I hated writing my name because I could never get the cursive "F" right, with its strange hook and dangerous curves, but now my letter is just the way I want it to be: looping and easy and happy and proud.

----
It's 974 characters. Please let me know if you have any other suggestions to improve the quality of these sentences
desm2012   
Nov 25, 2011
Undergraduate / Soccer and players - short answer (for Common App) [13]

"As I meander my way between the trees"

^ I wouldn't use meander or trees, because that makes it seem like getting to the prized watering hole isn't a challenge, and that scoring a goal is like taking a stroll through the park. Maybe something like "sprinting through the tall grasses" because that goes better with the gazelle analogy.
desm2012   
Nov 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Teaspoons are Excellent' UT on an issue of importance [5]

Ha, yeah I really didn't want to write about anything serious. I think UT gets enough "poor me, I'm this, that, or the other OMG" essays, so I figure if anything they'll laugh and that's good. Thanks, my transitional shit is always the part that gets me. Haha indeed! Thanks very much

"My mother would inevitably pry my mouth open and, holding my nose, I would gulp down the vile drink. Luckily for me, my mother understood the dosage instructions and never gave me the wrong amount. Many parents, unfortunately, do not know the difference between TSP (teaspoon) and TBSP (tablespoon), and accidentally cause their children to overdose. "

^ does this sound better?

and, I changed this: "Shoveling often results in overeating, because the stomach doesn't have time to tell the brain it's gotten enough calories before the person commits to a second slice of cake. To keep up this volume of intake with a teaspoon, a person would have to eat very rapidly, which would make them look ridiculous. Most people don't like to look ridiculous, so if forced to use the teaspoon, they would eat slower and more carefully, giving the stomach enough time to recognize that it's full. "

I changed the end part to something more serious, and changed the first part so it wouldn't say "it's full" twice in one paragraph.
desm2012   
Nov 25, 2011
Undergraduate / "My Semi-Redneck Life"-Common App Diversity Essay [6]

I don't think Texas is the hillbilly capital of the world. Pretty sure that honors goes to the Appalachians. You're describing Western country living.

You should be more specific about your peculiarities. What things do you do that are bizarre?
desm2012   
Nov 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Teaspoons are Excellent' UT on an issue of importance [5]

This is my first draft, so it's probably not going to be all that great. The exact prompt is "Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation."

---------------------

A (Tea)Spoonful of Sugar



The slender sister of the tablespoon, the teaspoon, is 1/3 the size of her older sibling with a more oblong bowl and a shorter handle. She is used primarily to stir sugar into coffee and measure the little ingredients with big mouths, like cinnamon and chili powder. I, however, use her to eat poblano soup, ice cream sundaes, and everything in between. This habit can be a hassle, especially when attempting to maneuver chunky potatoes and stew meat onto my utensil of choice. While the teaspoon's smaller surface area seems to put her at a disadvantage to the tablespoon, her size is actually quite beneficial when it comes to addressing the serious issues of medicine dosage and obesity.

As a small child, I hated being sick. Not because I had to miss school and eat ice cream all day, but because of the medicine I had to take to get better. That stuff was an unnatural pink color with a saccharine smell, and the foulest flavor I've ever been subjected to. The very sight of that unassuming brown bottle was enough to send me running behind the nearest large object, howling that I already felt better. Inevitably, however, my mother would pry my mouth open and, holding my nose, I would gulp down the vile drink. Luckily for me, my mother understood the dosage instructions for medicine and never gave me the wrong amount. Unfortunately, many parents do not know the difference between TSP (teaspoon) and TBSP (tablespoon), and accidentally cause their children to overdose. This was one of the leading causes of calls to the Poison Control Center in 2010, and one of the most easily preventable. If everyone just did a way with their tablespoons, there would be fewer troubles for kids everywhere.

The likelihood of teaspoons preserving America's health would be much higher if they could tackle obesity. How is that possible? Well, having extensive TSP experience with a variety of mediums (ranging from easily vanquished puddings to tricky grapefruits and trickier still lasagnas), I am sure eliminating the tablespoon from common cutlery will have an impact on the American waistline. The reason I believe this is simple math-the tablespoon is three times larger than the teaspoon, and can thus hold way more grub. So, when someone spoons up some delicious mashed potatoes, he is spooning up three times more than he could with a teaspoon. This enables "shoveling," an activity in which a person eats so quickly he doesn't even taste it. The result often include overeating, because the stomach doesn't have time to tell the brain its full before the person moves on to their next target. To keep up this volume of intake with a teaspoon, a person would have to eat very rapidly, which would make him look ridiculous. Most people don't like to look ridiculous, so if forced to use the teaspoon, they will eat slower and more carefully, giving the stomach more time to say, "Hey! I'm done now!"

For these reasons, the tablespoon should be retired for all but the mixing bowl, and the teaspoon should be given her dues next to the fork and knife. If these thoughts are taken into consideration before setting the table each night, many Americans will have a higher quality of life.
desm2012   
Nov 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'many different activities' +'Indian girl living in America' UPenn Introduce Yourself [5]

Some insight into your Option 1 thing- if you had been forced to choose one set of activities, you may have been mediocre at all of them once you realized you were no longer passionate about them.

Also, I don't think you should use the word "forced" so frequently in Option 2. It makes it seem like you're unwilling to adapt, that you're being pulled into these cultures against your will, and that if you could, you wouldn't interact with these cultures at all.
desm2012   
Nov 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'prepared to serve others' - International Experience - Common App Essay [3]

You use hut a lot. Like 2 times in 2 sentences. Maybe there's another descriptive word/phrase you could use?
"Yes, this was a village where people lived in small huts , under scrap metal roofs. But it was also here, within the walls of a dung-laden hut on a crusty floor under a dripping roof, that I felt simple solace. "

smiling, selfless sister gently you need to insert a comma between smiling and selfless

"Despite my materialism, I felt more happiness in the simple lives of the women and children I met than I had ever felt before. "

You seem to be marginalizing the value of the lives of these villagers. Describing them as simple, happy, etc.

"I battled my emotions and my emotions battled me" I imagine if you were battling your emotions, your emotions were also battling you. This seems to be repetitive. Perhaps, "my emotions and I engaged in a serious battle." or something like that?

"tears, misery" I think "tears and misery " sounds better.

If there's some way you could organize your essay categorically, instead of flitting between these two subjects, your experience in India, and your struggle with simplicity every paragraph, it would be an easier read.

Oh, and you used the eyes swelling thing once in the opening paragraph and once in the "villagers taught me" paragraph. Maybe there's some variant of crying you could use?
desm2012   
Nov 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'My cousin, Trent' - ApplyTexas Significant Influence [15]

Prompt: Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

--

A Rebellion of the Meek

My cousin, Trent, is brilliant. He makes stunning artwork, sometimes painting for 23 hours a day. He listens to the same song until he's gotten everything he can out of it and never needs to listen to it again. He introduced me to terrible '90's sci-fi, and 3:00 AM walks to the Shell Station. I idolized him for the better part of my childhood, filling my CD player with Nirvana and British punk to impress him when he asked what I was listening to. If he approved, I was elated. If he found the pop hits album I'd received for my birthday, I moped until the next opportunity to show him how cool I was arose.

In my unquestioning awe, I steadfastly ignored his flaws. I knew he was a little wild, at least according to my straight-laced mother. But, his shenanigans seemed harmless enough. Then, my parents decided I was old enough to be let in on the prolific family gossip. Over the next year, shock shook my adoration; Trent dropped out of school? Trent got arrested? I was heartbroken, but that didn't stop me from spending four hours the night before the annual camping trip downloading acceptable artists to my iPod, hoping he hadn't changed.

But changed he had. "I've done meth, but never cocaine. That stuff's bad," Trent confided one night, nodding authoritatively at me over Janga blocks. I nodded back, mechanically cataloging everything he said as I tried to hide my bewildered disgust. He continued, "I've held it in my hand, but I didn't do it." Pressing my palms into the floor, I wondered if he was going to preemptively answer my questions. Being twelve, my knowledge of these things was extremely limited, and I listened charily to his confession of experiences until our uncle called us outside to watch the sunset.

During the drive home, the car was unusually quiet. My sister was fast asleep, and my mom was talked out after spending the week with my aunt. Without anything to distract me, I reflected on visiting Trent. It had been strange, seeing him after hearing about his mistakes. He didn't seem as invincible, as impossibly suave. For the first time, I wasn't sure I wanted to prove myself to him. After all, his smooth words and breadth of knowledge didn't matter if he didn't use them to be the cousin he was supposed to be. Having decided this, I put on Kelly Clarkson's new album and loved it all the way home.

The frivolous importance of Trent's opinions on my musical taste masked my fear of judgment. By copying him, I didn't have to face the perils of my own individuality. Realizing that he wasn't perfect allowed me to open up to myself, and to embrace all my formerly guilty pleasures. Today, I can't name a Kelly Clarkson song to save my life, but I can name a thousand things I would be happy to share with anyone.
desm2012   
Nov 3, 2011
Undergraduate / How do you feel about Wednesday? (Semi fad of religion semi pro pagan) UChicago essay [4]

"Woden was the equivalent to Euterpe."

"Woden was the equivalent of Euterpe."

"His following was large enough to remove Tiw from king of the gods to god of combat."
If Tiw's official titles were king of the gods and god of combat, they should be capitalized (King of the Gods, God of Combat).

Maybe some pottery shards there or damaged texts here provide archeological evidence. Sunna, Mōna, Tiw, Woden, Ţunor, Fríge. Their powerful legacies boiled down to a single day of the week.

Maybe some pottery share here or damaged texts there provide archeological evidence. These sentences don't flow. So, maybe you could combine these sentences: "Little is left on Earth to attest to their former glory. Maybe some pottery shards there or damaged texts here provide archeological evidence." to Little is left on Earth to attest to their glory, besides some pottery shards and damaged texts here or there."

I feel like saying 'little is left on earth to attest to their glory' does not make logical sense w/ the days of the week thing since that's a pretty big deal. maybe you could work something about physical evidence around there.

"The modern concept of heaven throughout Germany and Scandinavia is based on the Christian beliefs."
The modern concept of Heaven throughout Germany and Scandinavia is based on Christian beliefs. Heaven should probably be capitalized because that's its proper name. Also, removing the 'the' before Christian beliefs makes you sound a lot more objective. Putting 'the Christian beliefs' is very polarizing.

"there is one heaven where God resides with His host of angles."
angles=angels, heaven=Heaven
There is also a Hell where the devil and his followers are banished from feeling the joy of God's love.
I would combine these two sentences to "There is one Heaven where God resides with His host of angels, and one Hell where the Devil and his [demons/sinners/idk] are banished from feeling God's love.

I don't feel like 'the joy of God's love' is most appropriate because banished already implies that not feeling God's love is a punishment.

I'd take out that stupid last line about college essays.
Anyways, this essay says nothing about yourself. I could look this up on the internet. You need to personalize it. I doubt admissions officers are looking for an informational blurb about Wednesdays. Consider this:

What do you do on Wednesdays?
What makes Wednesdays significant to you?
Why did you choose to write about this for the subject of Wednesday?
Etc., etc.
desm2012   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / "Ruin is a gift" / "see my family in the summer" - Princeton CommonApps [2]

Most people misinterpret impoverished countries as countries with no opportunities. My 2011 trip demonstrated you can be successful anywhere, even if you begin as a thread-picker. One day,Jose will be wealthy enough to own that factory. If Jose can succeed with such limited opportunities, then just imagine what we are capable of in America-the land of unlimited resources!

I feel like this cheapens the essay by coming out and saying what is already the obvious meaning of the essay. You should talk about how you took the inspiration Jose gave you back to America and did _______________ with it, or it made you work harder or blahblahblah. Remember, this essay is about you- not Jose, not we. On a side note, change "My 2011 trip" to "My trip." because you a) you already said when the trip was and b) you say the trip was in 2010, not 2011.

While most people attempt summer college programs; I attempt to see my family in the summer.
This is kind of confusing because it seems like you meant to "attend," not "attempt" in the first phrase. Also, that ";" should be a ",".
desm2012   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / "you can watch rated R!" - Common App Personal Statement [12]

I remember a classmate in my seventh grade class trying to convince me to watch The Hills Have Eyes. "Come on, you're twelve, you can watch rated R!" she had insisted. I paused for a moment. "I'd rather not. I really don't think I'm old enough yet," I then responded resolutely.

You have some superfluous words in here.
I come from a modest family with values that most parents teach their children
"I come from a modest family with modest values." flows a lot more naturally and injects some style into your essay.
After this party and other similar incidents, my classmates stopped inviting me to their parties and were generally hesitant to socialize with me.
It's not made clear previously that you were at a party. It sounds like you were at school. I would change this sentence to, "After several incidents like this one, my classmates stopped inviting me to parties and were generally hesitant to socialize with me." This way there's no confusion over what 'this' refers to.
desm2012   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'my personality on a hanger' - Note To Roomate [4]

I agree with Sonya15. I'm not really sure what the point of this essay is, other than that appearance is very important to you. The only "why" you put into this essay is "I am an individual who likes to set a good first impression on people. This way, the next time they see me, they become inquisitive in knowing more about my persona." These sentences tell more than show.

Also, you should work on varying your language. You use the word "color" 6x and the word "detail" 3x.
desm2012   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / Need advice on subject for extracurricular activity (a mentoring club) [5]

Ok, so here's my dilemma.

I'm involved in a variety of things.

Debate, Model UN, Gay-Straight Alliance, a volunteer group for my elementary school

I have been most successful in debate, as it is the activity I have participated in since 9th grade and the activity I've had the most significant opportunity to utilize.

Model UN and the GSA were not available at my school until my junior year.
I hold officer positions in all of the activities listed above.

However, the activity I am most passionate about is not any of these. It is a mentoring club. I had teacher sponsors, a curriculum, rough lesson plan, proposal, and posters completed. However, the principal of the school refused to sign the proposal (she was the only person whose official approval I absolutely needed to proceed) because she was resigning at the end of the year. We did not find out who the new principal was until a week before school began, and the meeting I scheduled with him to discuss the club has been postponed because of construction at the school and the general chaos that occurs every year at the beginning of the semester.

Should I write about this club or one of the other activities?
desm2012   
Oct 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Initially disappointed with physics' - Common app for Upenn [7]

I used to enjoy the elegance and conciseness of Newton's law

You should change this to "I used to enjoy the concise elegance of Newton's Law"

"His skin was as dry as tree bark and the bones on of his hands protruded"

"When I woke up I found myself in a structure similar to Plato's cave"
It's implied that you're daydreaming because you say immediately preceding this sentence that you have freed your mind to wander aimlessly around. I think "When I woke up" is unnecessary, but I may be wrong so you should ask someone else about this.

"As I sat, my neck felt stiff and
stiff neck prevented me from looking around"

While your allegories are full of imagery and allusions, they are hard to follow and your theme is vague.
Also, the sentences about the old man seem out of place because he is the only nonhistorical figure in your essay. It kind of seems like you're just trying to remind the audience you volunteer at a nursing home.