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Posts by Mauru23
Joined: Nov 27, 2011
Last Post: Jan 1, 2012
Threads: 3
Posts: 16  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 19
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Mauru23   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'experiences at the orphanage' - Common App Extracurricular [6]

"I could remember it for the mouth-watering tacos or even for the two hours that I patiently endure in the car for an hourwhat? I thought it was 2, but what resonates most strongly in my mind whenever I think about my monthly trips to an orphanage in Mexico most strongly are the children"

Really great extracurricular topic you've chosen.
Mauru23   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / wanted to be successful - Why Swarthmore? No word limit. [6]

Nice starting story, but it's too long; The essay seems more focused on that. I really think you should elaborate more on why Swarthmore is for you. Do some more research on it and find out what you really want out of it. Someone could easily say this for any college, so you need to be more specific. What does it have that not many other colleges have that could really benefit you?
Mauru23   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / "I can't believe I'm actually doing this" - extracurricular activity [7]

Ok, I've taken a few things out (yes, the part about me doing it for college apps) and reworded it. I want to show how at first I was negative about it, but then I found out that I actually enjoyed it; if you guys think that's fine, how can I show that without sounding too negative? and I really think I'm missing something.. Is there something I need to elaborate more on? Also, I'm not sure I can manage reducing "I", but should I really try? Last thing - I don't like my last sentence, it sounds cliche, but I really didn't know what else to put. Suggestions?
Mauru23   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / Boarding School Applicant Essay - The Life And Death Of My Father [3]

I personally think the first paragraph is perfect. It helps u get ready to see how much he meant to you.

Some changes I would suggest:
"I didn't appreciate how fortunate I was until it was gone." What was "it"? Or did you mean "he"?

"Now I cherish every little memory I have of D ad" or you can say "my dad"

You've got a really great essay on your hands.
Mauru23   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / "I can't believe I'm actually doing this" - extracurricular activity [7]

Any kind of feedback appreciated.

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (1000 character maximum)

"I can't believe I'm actually doing this" I thought, as I stood in the field helping my future teammates set up the golf nets. One of my friends had asked me if I wanted to join golf, and as much as I didn't really have an interest in it, I decided to try it out for the benefit of getting in shape and having something to put on college applications. Even so, I couldn't help but complain about how pointless the so-called sport seemed. After a few practice hits though, I found it to be quite invigorating. I've never been into sports due to the fact that I always seem to do badly in all the ones that I do try. Yet, according to the coaches, I was doing a relatively good job of hitting the golf ball. Tryouts were held and I actually made the team. To be honest though, we were no good; We never won a match, but we all still had fun playing. I truly hated the days that I had a game, but I wouldn't miss going out to the golf range to hit some golf balls with my friends.
Mauru23   
Dec 30, 2011
Graduate / M.Fin - graduate admission; important result [3]

Sorry if I've gone a bit overboard on the suggestions/changes.

During my internship at the Unclaimed Property Division of NC Department of State Treasurer, I assisted my boss in packing and ordering tangible properties for appraisal. This work included finding property information papers, numbering bags with property IDs, inserting information pages into corresponding bags, transferring tangible properties from safe keeping boxes to bags, and organizing the bags with tangible properties in order. (you use the phrase "tangible properties" too much. Unless they're really called that, change it up because it sounds too repetitive)

After I understood all processes needed, I came up with a new way to do the work. My supervisor noticed that my speed was faster than his and thus he allowed me to continue with my method.

[A bit repetitive on the word "steps"] Under our corporation, we shortened the period of the work from one week to only three days .

I think you answered the prompt perfectly.
Mauru23   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the environment I love' - Why NYU? essay question [10]

Wow.. this is really good! I think you answered the prompt perfectly! Good job!

The only things I could correct would be where you say "I'm in love with the city" You should change it around so that you don't say city twice in that same line, it just sounds repetitive.

Check mine? I revised it.
Mauru23   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'high Calcium concentration' - JHU Supplement [9]

Really enjoyed your revised version. As others said, that anecdote at the beginning is the perfect way to show your development in liking Bio.
I'm a bit uncertain about the second paragraph though. It's great that it's specific in what you enjoy about biology, but maybe a bit TOO specific (then again, this is coming from someone who just isn't that great with Bio and sometimes has trouble understanding it..)

Your last paragraph is great at answering why you'd find John Hopkins helpful, but I don't think you need to start it with "So"
Mauru23   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Evaluate a signific. experience and it's affect on you - Bullies to Best Friends [10]

It's a pretty simple, cheesy essay about friendship, so it shouldn't be hard to find dilemmas.
I really don't feel I've answered the prompt, so let me know. (Quick question, should I include their real names? Just for this thread I'll use an initial) I was also wondering if I should try to shift more towards "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence." or just have it as a topic of my choice.

BE HARSH IF NEED BE!! I HONESTLY DON'T FEEL I TRIED HARD ENOUGH FOR THIS ESSAY!! Thanks.

(Common App Prompt) Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. -

Almost everyone can say that they have had a best friend, but only a few can admit to having had a terrible start. As a shy, young girl in 1st grade, I was dependent on everyone else. I easily felt lonely and was often subject to embarrassing situations, just because I let "friends" do whatever they wanted with me. I remember in 2nd grade meeting one girl, P, who was my first real friend. Everyone liked her, and so I figured that being her friend would be my best shot at getting noticed. In 3rd grade, I met an acquaintance of hers named E, a quiet girl that P admitted to not truly liking. At the time I found her fun, but eventually I was influenced by P's opinion and ended up disliking E as well. Little did I know just how much E would really mean to me in the end.

My friendship with E started out as a great one. I had no clue what P had found so bad about her. Eventually though, many people started telling me how they disliked E because of her pretentiousness, and my easily convinced mind felt that it was true. P somehow managed to convince me to hate E and even bully her. By the end of elementary school, E and I no longer considered ourselves friends.

After entering middle school, I apologized to E for having done all of the cruel things I did. Her answer to me was one that was truly sad - She was given therapy sessions for her bullying, as well for family issues. I could not help but feel terrible for having done all of the things I did. I told her that I was so sorry and that I really wished to be good friends again. Surely she forgave me, as I was the only bully that had apologized, but she did say that we could never be best friends again (since I was still friends with P).

High school was a fresh start for both E and I since P went to a different high school. Since we were our only friends, it was difficult to branch out as we had no classes together; we were both shy people. Somehow we managed to meet new friends and become heavily influenced by them, becoming open, brighter people. We actually were able to spend much time together and eventually did become best friends again.

Her anxiety from the past is hardly visible anymore. She has become such a strong, social, funny girl that everyone loves. Not only is she now accepted by everyone, but she's managed to achieve great things even after having had a depressing childhood. It may not seem like it, but that entire experience of her hating me really did have a great impact on me. It was a huge struggle trying to have two best friends that hate each other, but in opening up myself to my own thoughts and not letting other tell me what I should think, I have become a more independent person that goes by her own opinions.
Mauru23   
Nov 27, 2011
Undergraduate / My experience with the Chinese IB Program - UC Prompt 2 [3]

A bit of background: The main reason I choose the Chinese course at my school was because I was already familiar with Asia because of Japan, listening to Japanese songs and getting into the culture, but I don't know if I should mention that at all. I was jut thinking that I should because it would help support how "open-minded" I am (or something like that)
Mauru23   
Nov 27, 2011
Undergraduate / My experience with the Chinese IB Program - UC Prompt 2 [3]

I already know that it's cliche and cheesy, but I'm just stuck in a rut about what exactly needs to change. My friend told me that it's solid, but not well executed... Not exactly sure what she meant, so can someone help me out? Please and Thank you. All critiques are welcome

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are? -

"The International Baccalaureate program has given me the great chance of participating in its Second Language Subject course, which for my school meant Chinese. At first I was reluctant to take such a foreign class, but at the same time I felt that it would be something entirely new. I am now currently in my fourth year and would not ever doubt having taken that class. It is because of this class that I have found a possible calling for foreign languages and cultures that would help bring me closer to the world.

I have been in the top 5% of my Chinese classes since the first year. As some of the Chinese characters are pictographs, it was interesting seeing how characters emerged from pictures, making learning the language much easier for me. Activities done in the class also helped broaden my mind culturally. From Chinese paper folding to writing an email to a Chinese student, it was such a new experience. I have even joined the Chinese club, which is hoping to raise enough money to visit China this year.

Last year, my teacher actually recommended me for a Chinese calligraphy contest that was held in the University of California, Irvine; I took the challenge without a second thought. After we finished writing our characters, while the judges looked over our writing, students of the university got together for a small talent show and entertained us with a wide variety of Chinese-influenced talent. I found everything that everyone did either really impressive, really beautiful, or really fun, as beautiful Chinese poems were read, fast Chinese songs were sung, and funny Chinese dances were danced. In the end I did not win, but I received a certificate for Honorable Mention, and that small title still makes me proud.

This class has not only introduced me to the Chinese culture though. In taking this class, I was actually able to make an online friend from Taiwan; We have been keeping in contact for almost one year. I have also made some friends from Japan, Finland, and a very close penpal from Germany. Any other cultures are welcome to talk to me, as I am glad to hear from them.

In immersing myself into this other culture, I have found that I really enjoy learning about the world outside of my country, and for that reason I have taken into consideration a future job that deals with the world's cultures. Whether it may be teaching foreign languages in another country, becoming a foreign coverage journalist, or even an expert in a culture's studies, I have found that I really wish to travel the world and learn as much as I can about all of our people here in this small world."