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Posts by gris_pereyra
Joined: Dec 26, 2011
Last Post: Jan 2, 2012
Threads: 4
Posts: 25  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 29
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gris_pereyra   
Jan 2, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I figure out the mechanics of any object' - STANFORD: roommate letter [2]

maybe try to cut down the description about astronomy and engineering. be more concise about your point.. your words tend to drag a little on what you are saying. i like the beginning though, i kept me reading :)

i would greatly appreciate if you could check mine out! stanford what matters essay thanks!
gris_pereyra   
Jan 2, 2012
Undergraduate / Self-Fulfillment ---What matters to you and Why (which beginning is best?) [8]

HELP!!! DUE IN AN HOUR!!!!!!!! stanford supp: what matters

**did i get my point across?? did i finish it well? i really appreciate all the comments i can get, it's due in an hour!! thank you and i will definitely return the favor!

what matters to you and why?

"Griselda, you lost so much weight! What's your secret?" my friend asked.
I smiled and simply replied," I run."
I have never been on the plump side but even so, running caused me to slim noticeably. After three years of running I lost about fifteen pounds and though I feel fantastic, it is not why running cross country became a significant part of my life.

During middle school, I met the friends whom I would grow up and mature with. I considered myself extremely lucky because spending time with them was always a blast; they were also faithful and dependable people. However, I soon I began to feel trapped because though I loved being their friend, I simultaneously hated it. They were confident, easygoing, beautiful and smart while I was shy, dorky and a band geek. As hard as I tried, being outgoing was difficult which caused me to be socially awkward and inept at meeting new people.

When high school came about, I had the opportunity to be part of a sports team and I wanted to improve my mile time from middle school so I joined cross-country. Daily, we practiced so I spent plenty of time with my teammates. After a year of hard work, I earned a solid spot on the varsity team sophomore year. Senior year, after four years of dedication I was named co-captain of the girls' cross-country team. Although I still loved my friends, I noticed a difference in the way I acted with my team because of my well-defined place on the team; I no longer felt like I was overlooked by others.

After years of being self-conscious and insecure, these new found comforts I felt being on the team brought about a change in me I never would have foreseen. The simple desire to improve my mile time brought a change in the way I held myself. I became more confident with others and I more gracefully met new people. While running definitely has its perks of staying healthy and slim, it matters to me because it granted me the comfort and confidence with myself I needed to excel not just academically, but socially as well.
gris_pereyra   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'The Game' - JHU essay; Undecided [9]

i actually like the fact that you sound dependent because you then realize your over-dependence on them but you change that by applying as undecided. last paragrapgh rather than saying they were meant to be it should are meant to be.

i think you could do without the first sentence. instead incorporate that idea after your realization. it makes it stronger. notice how i say idea though, that sentence could be a lot stronger. hope this helps!

and if you can look at my stanford supps that would be great!
gris_pereyra   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Graham' - Brandeis - Common App Essay - Significant Person [6]

i really like the topic. its intriguing.
however, the line in the beginning about doing all the talking is a little confusing. is he not there anymore? did he come back? are yo utalking to yourself? clarify out just take it out. you don't really need.

also, you might want to point out how you are less like that now and how though you are still aggressive and impulsive, you are known for it amongst your friends or something along those lines.

hope this helps! good luck!
gris_pereyra   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / "Do it for the Fat Lady" - Stanford supplement- intellectual vitality [4]

i like the ending, it is different than the typical ending. however, the middle paragraph needs a little work i believe. maybe because i have never read the book i am a little confused on how franny found peace. but again, mayybe it is because i have never read teh book, i am sure AO will have read this book and would understand. as for grammar, i believe you are missing a couple of commas

"Franny is in a state of emotional anguish and her brother, Zooey, struggles to help her overcome her spiritual perplexities"
also, don't you mean "her brother" not "his brother" ?
hope this helped! if you could look over my stanford supps that would be great!!
gris_pereyra   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / "I'm from Texas, but don't worry" - Stanford-roommate letter [8]

it's good i like it. but i think the yes after surprisingly is unnecessary and maybe even the surprisingly. you are already suggesting they will be suprised by sayin startled right after so i feel it might be a little repetitive. good luck!

it'd be great if you could read mine as well! (the stanford supplements)
gris_pereyra   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / Commonapp- Picking My Eyebrows [16]

hm, i like it you definitely talk about a different type of diversity which makes it unique and good. and good humor, makes it much more entertaining

would you mind reading my intellectual vitality one please? thank you!
gris_pereyra   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'assumptions rather than knowledge' - intellectual vitality- stanford supp [9]

yes that is part of my message. i also want to say that because i have witnessed him be wrong and to me he sounds foolish, i would never want to sound like him which is why i pursue knowledge so i would never be in that position. (i don't if that would be rude to say..) and i want to have validity to my words, something my dad doesn't have.
gris_pereyra   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Cell phone beep' - Stanford Intellectual Vitality [7]

your beginning is really good. totally kept me in. i believe the last paragraph needs a little more work though. try to make it flow a little more by adding a variation of length to your sentences. it sounds a little too choppy. other than looks good!

i would really appreciate it if you could look over my intellectual vitality! thanks!
gris_pereyra   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / Common App Essay: To fly or not to fly [3]

i think it's really good. the only thing im iffy about is the opening statement about flying. a little too cliche. why not start with the buzz lightyear sentence instead? just a suggestion :)

good luck with it and i would appreciate it if you could read mine over! (intellectual vitality)
gris_pereyra   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'assumptions rather than knowledge' - intellectual vitality- stanford supp [9]

**my ending is not nearly as strong as i would want it to be.. but how is it overall? any suggestions on how to make the ending stronger??

I had been telling my dad I was due for a dentist appointment sometime soon. Immediately, my dad questioned why I needed to go the dentist, "Didn't you just go a couple weeks ago?" he asked.

"No... I went to the orthodontist, for my braces. I need a dental check." I replied.
"Aren't they the same?"

Although small his mistake, it is one of many that he has made from assumptions rather than knowledge. Even as I tried to explain the difference between the two, my dad's stubbornness and ignorance kept him from understanding that he was wrong; there was a difference between the two professions.

Up until recently, I had always believed my father was the smartest man I knew. His ability to answer any of my questions growing up astounded me; it inspired me to be just like him because to me, his knowledge seemed endless. He knew about everything, whether it was cooking, navigating, financing --the list went on. However, as my education surpassed his I realized that his words were not knowledge. When they were right they were words spoken from experience, but when they were wrong, they were assumptions made without proper evidence to support them. I began to see that instead of sounding like the smart man I had thought he was, he sounded like foolish man, especially when he is not willing to accept the valid truth. Even though this 'I-know-it-all' nature is part of his personality, I know that his lack of education is what is to blame for his ignorance because before he could ever start high school, he had to drop out of school. He was never given the option to continue his education.

First hand I have witnessed a man who claims to know it all, but really knows very little. I respect and appreciate him, but I no longer look up to him in that aspect. Instead, his assumptions sans knowledge have lead me to yearn for that knowledge that had been missing in his words. I made it my own personal endeavor to search for that knowledge,
gris_pereyra   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Relaxing in dorm' - stanford - letter to your roommate [6]

i think it is good. i learned about you... people have been telling me on mine though to let my personality shine and honestly, i do now know how to. yours i believe is similar to mine in that aspect.. i'm not sure. i am kinda of lost on this topic. would you mind reading mine and giving me feedback? maybe we can help each other on that..
gris_pereyra   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Quit, you will be better without it' - running common app essay [3]

** i chose the first option, writing about a significant experience and how it has influenced you. thanks in advance!

Life is like a piece of music with people as its musicians. The greatest musicians are those that keep their work resonating in the audience's ear long after they have stopped playing. As an individual, I want to continue to have the music of my accomplishments be heard long after I have gone.

My family has always been able to hear my music; however, as much as my parents listen to my melody, they do not understand that extracurricular activities like sports and work are what sync together to make my harmony. Cross-country became a major part of my high school tune when I began running my freshman year. I loved running; the overpowering adrenaline that rushed through my body while I raced was indescribable. Nothing could make me feel as content as running did. However, as great as cross-country was, it was severely energy draining. With school and practice, I was rarely home and when I was, all I could do was rest. My parents noticed this and saw only the surface of it, that it depleted my energy and time. They could not understand that running became a passion that was part of me because they believed that a valuable educational experience required only academics. By telling me, "Quit, you will be better without it," it was as though they wanted my music to be silent.

As immigrants with different educational experiences, my parents could not avoid this narrow point of view on education. However, since I knew that these extracurricular activities were essential for creating a significant learning experience, I never gave in to their words; I continued to play sports. I even began working during the summer because my parents could not afford to pay for my sport's fees. Again, those same words rang in my ear, "Quit, it's too much for you." Nevertheless, I wanted to show my parents I could do it all. That entire summer, I ran cross-country, played soccer and worked. Whether I had to wake up earlier to catch a ride with my mom or shower at friend's house for work because I commuted, I did it. I fought for it and it paid off. At the end of summer, I managed to keep a job, run, and practice soccer. My parents were wrong; I had kept my music flowing.

There are still times I wish my dad would cheer for me as I finish my race or my mom would help with team dinners. However, if it wasn't for their lack of support, I would not have developed into a persistent individual who learned that regardless of who attempts to stop me, I must always aspire to do what I love. Now, I strive to get what I want, and I will not stop until I make it happen. As I continue to make my own melody in life, I have kept that chant as a guide to lead me to create my own timeless piece of music.
gris_pereyra   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Common App Essay *Teach me how to rap* [7]

the beginning is.. really cliche. try changing it. you have a great topic to work with but the beginning does not reflect it. i really like the ending though. as for the middle, it still needs a bit of work. i feel like the part about being humble is not incorporated well enough. either mention it somewhere else and then refer to it or make it flow a more.

hope this helps!
if you could please read my note to roommate i would really appreciate it!
gris_pereyra   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I love the Beatles and eating' - Letter to Roommate! Stanford supplement [6]

**i still need cut it down a bit.. but let me know how it is so far! thanks in advance!

Hi future roommate!
Hope you are doing great! I am currently exhausted; I just got home from playing soccer with my friends. So far, this summer has been the best yet. Not only have I continued to stay active by playing soccer and running with my cross country team, but I have caught up on some reading, I have gone to the beach and I am planning on taking dance lessons, something I have always wanted to do. Hopefully, you are enjoying your summer as much as I am. After all, it's our last before college begins so we must make the best of it!

Although it is quite some time from now, I warn you when you first meet me, please do not be overwhelmed by my inquisitive nature! I tend to bombard people with questions when I first meet them. I do not mean to scare you; I simply want to get to know you. I love to meet new people and there is so much to learn from you! It's going to be hard staying silent.

As of now, we are still complete strangers to each other but I want to change that so that when we meet, there will be at least one thing that is familiar amongst the many changes college will bring. First off, don't be fooled by my slim figure; I love to eat. Trying new foods is one of my favorite things to do. At the moment, my favorite food is Korean Barbeque. If you have never had it before, you should definitely try it! I can assure you, if you are not a vegetarian, you will love it. I also enjoy cooking and baking and although I am not the best at it, I hope to one day acquire my mom's cooking skills. As for music, I do not have the typical teenage taste. Although I enjoy modern music, my all time favorite band, the Beatles, broke up more than 40 years ago. My friends refer to me as an 'old soul' due to my preference for classic rock. However, I am very open minded with music so if you have a different music taste, I would love to listen to it! Furthermore, though my education is a priority, I love to have fun, too. It can be slightly difficult at times, but I always make sure to balance the two out.

Now that I told you a little bit about me, hopefully I won't be much of a stranger anymore. However, there is still a lot more to know so hopefully you are looking forward to starting school as I am! Have a great summer and see you in a few months!
gris_pereyra   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / Self-Fulfillment ---What matters to you and Why (which beginning is best?) [8]

hm, okay. with the animal one i was trying to say that they only seem to do what nature has taught them. however, with us humans we tend to strive further than to to accomplish more than just what is our nature. but i think i am going to go with a different beginning. thank you though!
gris_pereyra   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / "Bobble Head Britney" Common App Essay [6]

if this is what you are going through, then say it. instead of going on about how spears is going through that,maybe halfway through it say that like her, you are going through that. You can keep referring to her throughout the essay, especially at the end to wrap it all up but you need to clarify that this is you as well. I certainly did not read that, i simply assumed that that is what your point was but you do not want admissions reps to assume what you are trying to say. and i personally like the beginning.

btw, please read and critique mine!
gris_pereyra   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'My Percussion Playing Experience'&'My Drama Club Experience' Common App Short Answer [6]

i think the first is better. however, you still need to edit it quite a bit. the first sentence could definitely be improved. the ideas are good, but try to be a little more organized with how you present them because i feel like you are all over the place with your examples. or what you can do, is be general about all your examples and go into more detail with the Gytana one and possibly another one. hope this helps!
gris_pereyra   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / "Bobble Head Britney" Common App Essay [6]

I feel like i need more about you. After all, this essay is about you and not Britney Spears. Also, from what I know it is not worth wasting that valuable limited space with quotes from other people/books. Try to stay away from that and really use up those words to get your point across. Again, I feel like i did not learn much from you. I need more from YOU and how this bobbly head of Britney Spears affected you.

Hope this helps!
gris_pereyra   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / Self-Fulfillment ---What matters to you and Why (which beginning is best?) [8]

which is a better beginning? i like the animal one but i believe the one about my parents is a lot more straightforward. what do you guys think??

1) Amongst the many things my parents taught me, reaching self-fulfillment was never one of them. To them, the idea having a stable job was enough to satisfy anyone who wanted a pleasant life. However, self-fulfillment has come to play a major role in defining how I lead my life

2) Being an animal means growing and learning; the major goal in their life is to reproduce so that the species continues to exist. This is true for all animals: lions, bees, crocodiles, etc. However, being a human allows us to surpass these lifetime ideals. To accomplish this, most strive to be happy; a few go even further than that to try to accomplish what I believe to be most important, self-fulfillment. This is what matters to me the most; reaching self fulfillment and being able to reflect back on my life knowing that everything I did
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