Undergraduate /
Motivation to Business Studies; Degree at JKP [8]
Please include the whole and complete prompt.
To my mind, JKP is the convergence of my dream, my liking, and my ambition.
----Ambition to do what? Also, JKP is not the convergence of these things, it is your desire to attend JKP that is caused by this convergence.----
JKP is very meaningful to me because it not only supplies
an outstanding education but also
canbring me an environment that I
have always
desiredsincethe childhood.
----You should probably not refer to yourself here as if JKP has already given these things to you. Say that either they "can" give you these things or that they give these things to other people.----
When I was a child, I often read Chicken Soup for the Soul, a
kind of book
writing about the meaning of life.
Life is always filled with
manyhardships but it does not lack fruits
behind .
----I would suggest completely rewriting the above sentence or just removing it.----
Therefore, I need to try very
hardtry to
achieve the
goals of my life.
The chance of success seems less when I realize that each of us
can only live once .
One time for reaching dream by trying and risking. Growing up in a poor country, I see the way my sisters
grow up, studying and getting married
for the fulfillment of duty rather than personal desire.Without reason, I do not want to follow their way which older persons in my town consider suitable for girls.
----Do you really not have a reason to not want to follow in your sister's footsteps? Perhaps you meant "with good reason". But then you need to state the reason.----
I want to
live my life in a different way.
However rough or hard it is, I still want.
----You still want what?----
I want to do something which makes me try continuously all my life so that when I am old, I can
look back and smile
with satisfaction .
Many nights I thought a lot about what I
could do to change my life, to escape from the old
lifestylethat many women in my country
have lead.Finally, I found a way that is studying abroad.
----A way to do what?----
However, with my
family's current financial
situation , I cannot easily
to afford
to study abroad.
Time goes by, I grew up and went to Ho Chi Minh city- a big city in my country to enter into university with an burning dream in my heart.
----What is your dream? Also this sentence seems a little out of place.----
In fact, I
have always
believed that if I try non-stop for something,
it will
happen .
----These are just a few corrections to get you started----
One big thing you keep referring to is your "dream". Tell us about your dream and explain exactly what it is.