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Posts by Gautama
Joined: Nov 26, 2008
Last Post: Aug 8, 2009
Threads: 6
Posts: 133  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 139 / page 2 of 4
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Gautama   
May 3, 2009
Essays / Analytical Essay -- methods [5]

Did your instructor give you specific written instructions for this? If so then please post them here.

What is the teacher's essay about? Is it a persuasive essay? If so then you would analyze the methods that the teacher uses to persuade his/her audience.

Post the instructions.
Post a summary of the teacher's essay.
Then we can figure out exactly what it is you need to analyze.
Gautama   
May 2, 2009
Writing Feedback / My attitude towards writers is mostly positive. Writers have creative and imaginary minds. [10]

Writers to me are talented.

Perhaps revise this to say: "To me, good writing requires talent." Or "To me, good writers are talented." Just because a person writes does not meant that they have talent. ;)

I feel that writers have a creative and imaginary mind.

I think that each writer has their own uniqueness which makes them stand out when compared with others.

The fact that everyone has their own way of thinking and using their brain makes things exciting.

Me being able to write i love because I am able to be myself and be heard by many others.
I love being able to write because it allows me to communicate and express myself to others.

Some writing , such as poetry and song writing calms me down and I can express myself.

----I would take out the last part of this sentence because it is unrelated to the rest of the sentence. If you are trying to say that writing calms you down because you can express yourself then it would make sense.----

Writing letters to friends and family gives me the happiness that I need when they are far away. and I am able to show affection.

----Again I would take out the last part of this sentence as well. It just seems sloppily tacked on the end of the sentence. If you really want to keep it then I suggest that you make a new sentence.----

Negative meaning is that I get frustrated and nervous when it comes to essays and book reports.

What do you mean by "negative meaning"? Perhaps you meant something like this: "A negative aspect about writing, for me, is the fact that I usually get frustrated and nervous when it comes to essays and book reports."

Sometimes I end up thinking to hard about the topic I am suppose to be writing about and I end up losing focus and going off topic.one thing and then a different other topice.

"I get confused alot. I dont do alot of essay writing and when i do i end up quiting on myself which is a habbit that i want to break. I dont enjoy writing essays."

----Combine these sentences to something like this: "Since I don't enjoy writing essays and frequently end up confused by them, I have a habit of quitting on myself before I finish my work."----

"As well as be creative and have an open mind as well."

----Be careful about unnecessary repetition. You only need to say "as well" one time in this sentence.----

My favorite writer would be myself.

Being my own favorite writer, I can look back at things I have written and easily correct them.

if I say that I only like peoples writing it brings the confidence up in me and make me become a better writer.

This sounds awkward. Perhaps reword it to something like this: "If I only give other writers positive feedback about their writing it brings up my own confidence and improves my writing as well." Also you need to explain why it would boost your confidence to give only positive feedback to other writers and how that would have any bearing on the improvement of your own writing. Why can't you give some negative feedback as well? People will not learn to be better writers if everyone always tells them that they are doing fine. Heck, even the point of this site is to offer constructive criticism. :)
Gautama   
Apr 30, 2009
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing: email and text messaging threats written language [6]

In the introduction you say that you agree with the idea that text messaging is "decreasing the position of written language" then the first body paragraph mostly focus on the positive advantages of texting. What does this paragraph have to do with your thesis. It seems to contradict it. You say that texting helps people communicate but your thesis is that it is actually destroying written language. Pick a side! :)

Or if you want to talk about both sides. State that in your thesis. I don't know, now that I read it again, maybe you did kind of say that but, you need to reword it to make it more clear.
Gautama   
Apr 29, 2009
Essays / What role has cutural difference played in the lives of 20th century europeans? [6]

Based on the readings of Night and Cafe Europa, what role has cultural difference (real or perceived) played in the lives of Europeans in the 20th century?

As for Night, the whole point of the holocaust was to wipe out certain cultures. The countries invaded by Germany were subjugated to extreme discrimination based on cultural and racial differences. For Europeans in the 20th century, culture practically defined everything. Whether or not you would need to flee your homeland, whether or not you could get good jobs or social status, what side you had to take during WWII, etc. In a sense, culture played the role of deciding the fate for millions of people in Europe in the 20th century, especially for the two pieces of literature you must focus on.
Gautama   
Apr 29, 2009
Writing Feedback / Language-Way of Dialect- [5]

Please post the exact instructions for this assignment

Is this supposed to be an essay or a free write or what? It's hard for us to give feedback when we don't know what you are trying to do.
Gautama   
Apr 29, 2009
Faq, Help / Tips for Being a Quality Contributor [9]

Yeah I think as a member everyone has the bold and italics. Why is it that only we have the red letters? Why couldn't regular members use red letters too?

Also please do tell us what book you are referring to by Dianna Hacker. Thanks.
Gautama   
Apr 28, 2009
Faq, Help / Tips for Being a Quality Contributor [9]

I don't think there is a real formula or set ratio for criticism that should be offered on this site. Of course all criticism should be constructive and in good taste. Aside from that you can just give us whatever you can. You don't have to be a professional writer to help others, heck I'm not. You don't need to tell us that you are not perfect in every post either.

At times you will find that it is good to just take a portion of an essay and critique it. Of course it is not as good as doing the whole thing but it is better than nothing. Sometimes I do that if I just don't have time. You can also decide to what level of depth you want to go into for any particular paper. For example you could simply suggest to shorten the intro paragraph and get more examples for the body paragraphs or you could actually go line by line and correct the whole paper for grammar and spelling.

Unfortunately, the red letters are reserved for moderators and contributors so that we can feel special.

Basically all you have to do is read whatever the work is and decide what you think would be the best way to improve it. Praise is good occasionally but the point of this site is to improve through criticism so to much praise can become a waste of space. I watched what the moderators did and just tried to do the same thing. Learn from example. Good luck!
Gautama   
Apr 27, 2009
Research Papers / Observing or studying animals could teach us a lot about human nature: research [5]

Just for kicks I thought I would respond to some of what you said.

"For instance human beings have a totally different solution when others provoke them compared with animals."
----In a sense humans actually have the same response that animals do when provoked. For the most part, animals, as humans do, tend to respond to negativity with more negativity. If a panther were to harass a bear the panther would probably get attacked physically. If a human were to harass another human the first human would also probably get attacked as well, though it would probably be a verbal attack rather than a physical one. I would argue that humans respond the exact same way that animals do to their environments. Its just that humans have more complicated or reserved responses. The intent is the same however. "If an entity in my environment is trying to cause me harm then I must get away from it or destroy it." Think about nations. When one nation provokes another with military action the second nation will of course respond with violent action just as animals do. Of course humans also do try to find rational solutions to their problems without conflict but animals do this as well. Symbiotic relationships are everywhere in nature and many animals join together to form groups to survive through teamwork. Humans do the exact same thing only on a much larger scale.----

"Some animals may show their bestial character when other's show hostility to them or they are chasing their quarries. It is their nature, not ours."

----Think about this. If someone was chasing you or attacking you would you stop and try to rationalize what was happening to you? Of course not. Your animal insticts would kick in and you would either run for your life or stand and fight.----

So I guess all that would be an argument that supports the notion that humans can learn from animals. However, even if you were going to go the other way you would need to take on these ideas and find their flaws.
Gautama   
Apr 27, 2009
Writing Feedback / Under the Age of Eighteen and in the Military: Evaluation Essay [4]

Paragraph 3 asks questions but does not seem to come up with many conclusions. The first and/ or second sentence(s) of each paragraph should sum up the main idea or the "conclusion" of the paragraph. For instance in paragraph 4 I can't really tell what the conclusion is. You present how most parents view letting their kids go into the military and how it would affect them if their children died in war but you don't explain what it has to do with the thesis of your paper. The ideas you present are valid but you haven't told us why they are valid.

In fact the first paragraph does nothing but ask questions. The first paragraph should exhibit the sum of the main idea of your paper. The questions are just half of what your paper is about. The answers are the other half. You ANSWER will be your thesis statement and we need to see that thesis statement in the first paragraph.

The last paragraph does draw some conclusions about the questions you present earlier but they come much to late in the essay. Take some of that content and put it into the first paragraph.
Gautama   
Apr 27, 2009
Book Reports / Hamlet Theme Paper - appearance vs reality [6]

Well if you need to submit this paper to turnitin.com it wouldn't really be possible for us to write it for you because the originality report would probably detect that the paper was copied. Besides, that is not what we do here. We help you with your essay. We don't write it for you.

Give us an outline of what you want to do. Or better yet give us a rough draft. We can offer you constructive feedback.

You say that you "can not even start on it". You apparently have a computer and time enough to send us this message so you can easily slap at least a meager attempt at a rough draft together for us to look at. If you don't have time then perhaps prioritize. Is what you are doing right now instead of working on this paper really worth recieving an F for?
Gautama   
Apr 14, 2009
Writing Feedback / Early human development is strongly influenced by nature [6]

The first paragraph should have the thesis statement. You say that you will be talking about the impact of nurture in early human development but we need to know what you are going to be saying about it. What is the overall message you want to convey about the impact of nurture?

The topic sentences for the 2nd and 4th paragraphs are basically the same. Combine these 2 paragraphs or make them have their own distinct ideas.

The 5th paragraph is just one long run-on sentence. To be honest I really have no idea what it is trying to say. Instead of saying "and" a bunch of times break the sentence up into smaller sentences. Also this just kind of seems like a list of examples to support the idea that the environment affects early development. You already have all the other paragraphs talking about this. I guess you are trying to focus on education. Try to go into a little more depth.

The reason that we break up lines of text into paragraphs is so that we can separate them based on the main ideas that they have. Basically the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th paragraphs all have the same main idea but use different examples to talk about it. Try to sit down and really think about the different topics that you can discuss for this essay then write paragraphs about those topics and dont deviate. The paragraph breaks here seem a little arbitrary and I can't tell what the difference is (besides examples) about what you are trying to tell use about how nurture affects early development from paragraph to paragraph.

I know it's rough but post some revisions and it will only keep looking better and better. :)
Gautama   
Apr 8, 2009
Writing Feedback / Political Allegory [5]

In the novel Animal Farm, the author, George Orwell, explores the nature of the Russian Revolution of 1917.

The main ideas, plot and schemes of the story are all follow the horrible underlying narration that is based on a past history.
Saying that the story follows the narration is redundant seeing as how the narration in most stories is what propells the story forward. You could say something like that the ideas, plot, and schemes of the story are based on historical events or are meant to represent historical events.

Old Major, the prize-winning boar whose vision of a socialistwith a socialist vision , taught the animals Animalism and dies before the revolution begins .

Joseph Stalin was not a very good speaker and just as Napoleon cared for power, they both killed opponents, and they both used propaganda to be more in control.

This sentence is awkward. You might want to break it into two different sentences.

The main characters represent a perfect past politician during the Russian Revolution.
What do you mean by "a perfect past politician"? The politicians that they represent were far from perfect. Perhaps you meant that they represent past politicians in a perfect way.

The plans to achieve the same effect were used and with the farm getting out of control without the animals noticing is a perfect example of propaganda.

This is another really awkward sentence. Reword it.

The Principles of Animalism were being forgotten, "All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others." (pg.90)

All the animals just agreed with the leader and followed his every instruction.

As to Communism in the Russian Revolution, all people were said to be equal, but clearly Communism cannot be attained when wanting more power.
"when wanting more power" When who wants more power? Add a noun to go with the verb. "As to Communism" What is as to communism? What are you comparing?

Gaining power was the intention of both leaders , causing the revolution to fail.

The desire for power took over the leaders and made life in Russia or in the Farm an appalling and astonishing experience .

Overall this is alot of plot summary. You have told the reader that this book is a political allegory and you have shown many many many examples of how this is so. You have not, however, answered why. Why would Orwell write this book? What is the point of the book? Why read it? Sure its funny to see Marx and Lenin and Stalin as pigs and other various farm animals but is that the only value here? Try to prove something about the novel that you couldnt understand just from reading the summary on the back cover. Make an argument. Answer a "why" question! :)
Gautama   
Apr 4, 2009
Writing Feedback / Advertisers, affecting our childs thought process [10]

"The materials they (who? ) use to create their own meanings are preprogrammed with brand identification..."

"It's almost as if they have lost their innocence."
How does this mean they have lost their innocence? Most children are never really innocent from a moral or selfish perspective. In fact children are the most self centered of all the age groups and in turn(at times) can be the most cruel minded.(though they lack the capacity to carry out truly horrific acts of cruelty that adults are capable of.)

"While other kids wore T-shirts or hoodies because that is what all the advertisers were promoting for young boys to wear for school clothes."

Also, I don't think this is a complete sentence.

"Because of merchandisers use these trends to create different social stereotypes , children are left trying to figure themselves out."
I don't know if this is what you were going for. What do you mean when you say that the children are left trying to figure themselves out? If advertisers create styles for kids doesnt that meant that they are telling the kids who they are? Thus the kids wouldn't be trying to figure themselves out but rather would be defined by the brands.

"Not long ago parents had control of their front doors."
Try rewording this perhaps to something like. "Not long ago parents had the formost influence over their households."

"For adults to try to influence kids was considered wrong and you could end up in jail."
So does that mean that parents could get arrested for trying to teach their kids life lessons? Reword this one too.

"...now with the bombardment of aggressive commercial culture the relationships between children and their parents are breaking down. This causes a degradation of family values."

"But you can't tell me what to do."
You mean "you" as a parent? Don't change to a first person perspective. Perhaps you meant: "But you can't tell them what to do."

"I remember a time when children weren't exposed to much advertismentand luring of information and products thus , making it easier for parents to control what was shown to them."

Children are ultimately getting their way, and society has taught them that a demanding attitude is an effective tool for getting their way of economic growth.

The culture of catering to children and the bombardment of the media have made it difficult for parents to do parenting.

As a result children are forced upon this world with no knowledge of what to expect.
Isn't the point that children are taught what to expect out of life from the media? So children do have knowledge of what to expect from the world but it is just from the wrong source. Don't make is sound like children don't know what to think. I gather that one of the main points of your essay is that children do know what to think because the media is telling them what to think.

Children are no longer seen as children (Break these up into two sentences here or create a transition) they are controlling their households by nagging their parents for the things they see advertised, thus causing strife, stress and misery in the family.

The last part of this sentence is a repeat of the last part of a sentence from the first paragraph. Reword it so that it is not the same thing.
Gautama   
Apr 2, 2009
Undergraduate / Gambia to Georgia -- entrepreneur in the resturaunt business. [5]

Please give us the instructions you are writing for. (I know it's for college)

I don't know if its just me but I would consider writing an autobiographical piece in the third person a little ridiculous. It would sound like you are one of those people who always refers to themselves in the 3rd person. "George is getting upset!"

It just depends on what the prompt was. Maybe you should talk about your new major and how the experiences with your restaurant business made you want to get into that subject. (I assume you are reapplying to college?) But we are groping in the dark here so tell us what college, major/program this is for and give us those instructions! :)
Gautama   
Apr 1, 2009
Undergraduate / Supplemental application for UBC -- Passion, Bachelor of Science program [13]

What you are saying here sounds pretty generic. Pretty much anyone who is willing to go through the hard work to get a degree in the sciences must have some passion for it, a willingness to learn the material, the motivation to try their best, etc.

What is it that is unique to you that would give you success over someone else? They are asking for qualities so maybe you should try to talk about your personality. Maybe you are a very analytical person. You could talk about some example in your life where you really demonstrated analytical skills. Maybe you love to help people. You could talk about a time when you demonstrated that characteristic.(for biological sciences used in medical careers.)

If you want to be, say, a doctor you could even talk about your religious beliefs if they would help you through tough decisions and give you personal strength and solace in the face of desperate situations. If you can find maybe two specific positive qualities about your personality and then elaborate on specific examples of how you demonstrated them you could easily go over 200 words. Then you can edit it down. Stay away from cliches! :)
Gautama   
Mar 30, 2009
Essays / How to write Term Paper on Alzheimers? 5 pages with cover and bibliography [7]

So is this like a research paper? Are you supposed to form an opinion about some aspect of how Alzheimers affects society?

In any case you will need to start with research. Research Alzheimers through scholarly journals. Collect the information you need to put in your bibliography from each article as you go. I sometimes use a site called Proquest to find scholarly journals. If you are supposed to form an argument about some aspect of Alzheimers then look over your research and form an opinion based on the evidence. Find quotes and examples to back up your claims.

Give us the full instructions to your assignment please! :)
Gautama   
Mar 28, 2009
Grammar, Usage / What can help a student to write a good essay (research for my assignment) [7]

So you are doing an essay on how to write an essay, prepare for a debate, make a speech, and conduct research? Phew! That is enough for four different essays.

I guess what you should do for any of these is to first research whatever topic you are dealing with if you dont have enough information already. After looking over all of your research form an opinion about whatever the issue is you are dealing with. Then find examples in your research to back up your opinion.

For instance if you are doing an essay on a piece of literature then your research would be to read the book. Then you take a stance of whatever the issue you want to deal with is. Then you would find quotes and examples from the text to back up your stance. Your stance should be summarized into a thesis statement at the begining of the essay and dont forget to include the answer to the "why" question concerning your stance!

If you are debating global warming you would do as much research on global warming as you could (reading books, searching the internet for scholarly journals, etc.) then of course form an opinion about it. When debating other people on the subject you will use examples to back up your argument from the research you have done. (It is also good to research what you think the other side will research. Find out what the opposition's main arguments will be and then work out how you are going to disprove them ahead of time so you aren't struck dumb in the middle of the debate by a statement that you don't know how to cannot combat in the heat of the moment.)

This is a really broad and general strategy but it does apply to all of the activities that you mentioned you need will need to talk about. Good luck!
Gautama   
Mar 28, 2009
Writing Feedback / Do circumstances determine whether or not we should tell the truth? [10]

So are these two different essays? It might be a better idea to create a separate thread for each of them.

The first paragraphs in both essays need to contain the thesis statement. Answer the question: "Do circumstances determine whether or not we should tell the truth?" or "Is there a value in celebrating certain individuals as heroes" here and provide the basic reasons why you think your answer is so. The first essay does eventually answer the question but in an unorganized way. You have some good examples to back up your statements but you need to establish the main idea for your readers before you give them examples.

As for the second essay, I think it answers the question in a really limited way. You talk about what a hero is and give examples of heroes but you dont tell us why there is or why there isn't value in celebrating certain individuals as heroes until really late in the essay. You barely start to touch on the question in the last sentence of the second paragraph and the begining of the third paragraph but then fall back into a long-winded example of another hero. I got what your thesis was but I think you need to go deeper than what you have. I just don't think your thesis warrants the amount of time spent on examples in your essay. You could probably just cut out the whole first and second paragraphs and the message of your essay would be unaffected.

Stay away from explaining what a hero is. That is not the point of the essay. Also do not talk about examples unless they tie in with an idea you are trying to convey. (There is no idea that ties into the main question of the essay for the example of Lincoln in paragraph two. You say why we celebrate him as a hero but not what value we get out of it.)
Gautama   
Mar 26, 2009
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task--Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood [18]

The problem is that we all have different family situations. For instance I am much closer to my father than I am to my mother. You may have had a personal experience where you had a closer relationship with your mother but that is not the case for everyone.

I really want Kirin to post his revision so we can see what he has done with the paper.
Gautama   
Mar 25, 2009
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task--Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood [18]

Admittedly, men play an increasingly key role in the raising of children in the modern day , of which there has been an increase in general awareness.

Compared with women, men are most necessary if children are to appreciate fully the roles of both sexes, seek blindly for the sense of obligation or competition and get ready for adventure ahead of them.

The above sentence sounds really strange to me. You say men are compared with women here and then you say that men are "most necessary". As if women are not necessary? I think the point is that men are necessary in their own right because if you say that men are the most necessary in comparison to women it sounds like you are saying that men are more important than women. Also, how do men help their children "seek blindly for the sense of obligation or competition"? Don't fathers try to help give their children direction and purpose in life? A parentless child would "seek blindly" but a child with parents would recieve guidance from parents seeking to avoid having their children go "blindly" through life.
Gautama   
Mar 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Short Response - to change one thing about my community [14]

Yeah, I would state exactly what you would do with that money? What is it that you would specifically improve about the library? (expanding certain selections of books, lights, new chairs, etc.)
Gautama   
Mar 23, 2009
Writing Feedback / Karl Marx vs. The Economic Hitman [7]

I always thought of the American ideal as that you reap what you sow and if you work hard enough you can become wealthy. With exploitation this is not the way the system works.(except in a limited number of cases.)

And, yes, my wording was off. Offensive realism wouldn't really be "anti-Christian" but as you said it would be certainly "un-Christian". When I think of what is "Christian" I just wonder what Jesus himself would say. The Roman Catholic Church doesn't really fit in with alot of what Jesus originally preached so I don't use them as my example for being Christian or un-Christian. I personally like to think that if Jesus were alive today he might endorse communism or socialism rather than capitalism. (Think how funny it was that during the Cold-War it was the non-religious group (soviet union) who attempted* to live Jesus's message closer than the United States (being founded with Christian morals) would ever would!) I feel like I'm going to get into trouble for that little comment but when I hear about books like The Gospel of Wealth I just can't help myself.

*of course it did not work and some of Stalin's activities would be obviously quite un-Christian.
Gautama   
Mar 23, 2009
Scholarship / What is the biggest obstacle that have had to overcome in Life? [10]

"So as I sort out the biggest obstacle I think of my biggest challenge."
--this seems a little unnecessary. Its like you are kind of just playing with semantics here--

"In addition, even while I selected my divorce as my biggest challenge, I am not sure if I would call it that."
--But you just did call it that. Its like saying, "I would say that my biggest problem is math, but I am not sure if I could say that." If you don't want to talk about the divorce because you dont think it was your biggest challenge then just don't bring it up at all.--

I attended a business school instead and received a certificate of completion six months later.

"In addition, within the same year, I was married and eighteen years later I was walking out the door."
--I see that you clarify what door you are walking out of later in this paragraph but here it just causes confusion. Try rewording this so that the reader knows you are talking about the fact that you were walking away from your marraige. (I initially thought you meant you were quitting your job or something.)--

Overall I think you have a good story here but it is unfocused. Maybe it's just me but I got the impression that you were not going to talk about your divorce because you stated that you wouldn't call it your biggest challenge. Also this seems more like a life story rather than a particular instance. Make it clear that you believe your divorce should be the main topic of this paper and why. Also narrow your time frame down so that you only talk about the immediate events that lead up to and follow that time period. Good luck!
Gautama   
Mar 21, 2009
Writing Feedback / Karl Marx vs. The Economic Hitman [7]

Ok this might actually turn out to be more interesting. Marx never directly stated that capitalism was evil but he did predict a certain progression that societies would transition through. You could argue that this progression would be evidence of social "progress" which implies that things are getting better. He does not state this directly but it could be induced.

Or you could say that a Marxist would suggest that capitalism and imperialism, specifically in the form of offensive realism, are immoral from the perspective of the American ideal (which has been influenced by christianity) because exploitation occurs which promotes a form of slavery and economic class separation. This does not promote the freedom and equality that Americans hold so dear to their hearts and makes the American dream impossible for the majority of the population. A Marxist might not view that as immoral but he/she would point out that a patriotic American would be contradicting themselves if they did not.

Talking about Perkins' realist arguments being un-American or un-Christian would then be more relevant as a Marxist would take those two forms of thought and show how they are contradictory to the philosophy of an offensive realist by using the logic of Marx himself. Perhaps that would be a truer Marxist critique?
Gautama   
Mar 21, 2009
Writing Feedback / Karl Marx vs. The Economic Hitman [7]

Hello there. My prompt is this:
Carefully read the central argument of Perkins and then choose a theory seen in Goldstein's chapter three. (my textbook) Find a theoretical critique of Perkins and explain why this theory would have a problem with the EHM argument. Your response essay should be at least 500 words long.

I chose Marxism. (just for kicks, Im not a marxist)

In his novel, Confessions of an Economic Hit Man, the author, John Perkins, paints a dark and disturbing picture of US foreign relations. It is a world where a coalition between big business and government work just as the mafia would to economically and politically beat all global opposition into submission. It is the idea of hegemonic stability that drives US corporations to drive poorer nations deep into debt so that they can be called upon later for non-monetary payments. (I.e. U.N. votes, access to oil reserves, and other such "national interests".) Perkins claims to have lived the life of an "economic hit man" by travelling to developing countries around the world under the "technical" employ of a multinational corporation. Once there, EHMs proceed as the agents of their real employers, the US corporatocracy, to help them in their quest for economic imperialism and domination. Such a quest is pursued under an offensive realist perspective through the extortion, manipulation and exploitation of smaller and less wealthy countries no matter the cost. From a Marxist perspective the actions and realist justifications of John Perkins are hugely flawed on a fundamental level. What the realist logic that Perkins uses to justify the further impoverishment and exploitation of 3rd world countries fails to take into account is the dynamics of the ruling class/lower class relationship. This is because as destabilization occurs throughout the world, the malcontent of lower class nations rises. This malcontent breeds inevitable class warfare which creates the risk of revolution, war, and the destruction of our foreign assets.

The hegemonic ideal that Perkins' realism strives for only promotes stability in the short term. In the long term it breeds resentful enemies and decadent states that later lead to global problems. The anarchy that states following an offensive realist pattern take advantage of is the very thing that causes the instability that will be the downfall of Perkin's argument. Marxists would argue that this anarchy creates a division of wealth between those nations who have the power to take such wealth and those who do not. The solution to such a situation would be a completely multilateral revolution in economic systems. Other nations would need to be completely self sufficient, stable and independently wealthy to assure the security of the assets and trades that we have with them. Hegemonic domination is simply a global tyranny with the most powerful nations being the ruling class who exploit the lower classes and spread dangerous dissatisfaction. As the corporatocratic alliance of government and big business takes over the world, smaller nations will lose their citizens' basic necessities such as food and education. This creates populations full of angry and uneducated people who will be easily manipulated and highly motivated for action. Needless to say, without education this action will most likely be violent and destructive to US interests.

Offensive realism is not only the wrong way to help the United States but it is also the wrong way to help the rest of the world as well. Perkins' argument is simply immoral from the Marxist perspective as it seeks to undermine anyone it the way of self preservation. As the historical documents of the United States profess the equality of man like no other nation its government would logically be expected to attempt the promotion of the well beings of all people equally around the world. This is an impossibility with the logic that Perkin's operates under as an EHM. Dominating and controlling other nations through military and economic bullying from this standpoint is obviously un-American and furthermore anti-Christian. (Seeing as how the United States was originally formed as a Christian nation the extent to which Jesus would be disgusted with the offensive realist strategy that the US government now pursues is definitely worth noting.) If it can be claimed that Perkins has betrayed his realist government by revealing its true nature in his book, one could just as easily claim that through realism, the conspirators comprising the current corporatocracy (for which the US government must be held accountable) have betrayed the founding fathers.

The US government should, theoretically, be working to spread American ideals. Offensive realism is not only un-Marxian but also un-American. So what is it? What ideals is this corporatocracy trying to spread? It is the old and ruthless idea of imperialism through crippling control and brutal power politics. If we were to set aside all of the amoral activities that are detailed in Perkin's novel offensive realism is still a very dangerous way to "work for US interests." Hegemony only births instability in the long run which can potentially destroy the local populations that the corporatocracy manipulates as well as the very assets that they gain from such hegemony. Everyone loses in such a system.
Gautama   
Mar 19, 2009
Undergraduate / Motivation to Business Studies; Degree at JKP [8]

Please include the whole and complete prompt.

To my mind, JKP is the convergence of my dream, my liking, and my ambition.
----Ambition to do what? Also, JKP is not the convergence of these things, it is your desire to attend JKP that is caused by this convergence.----

JKP is very meaningful to me because it not only supplies an outstanding education but also canbring me an environment that I have always desiredsincethe childhood.

----You should probably not refer to yourself here as if JKP has already given these things to you. Say that either they "can" give you these things or that they give these things to other people.----

When I was a child, I often read Chicken Soup for the Soul, a kind of book writing about the meaning of life.

Life is always filled with manyhardships but it does not lack fruits behind .

----I would suggest completely rewriting the above sentence or just removing it.----

Therefore, I need to try very hardtry to achieve the goals of my life.

The chance of success seems less when I realize that each of us can only live once .

One time for reaching dream by trying and risking. Growing up in a poor country, I see the way my sisters grow up, studying and getting married for the fulfillment of duty rather than personal desire.

Without reason, I do not want to follow their way which older persons in my town consider suitable for girls.
----Do you really not have a reason to not want to follow in your sister's footsteps? Perhaps you meant "with good reason". But then you need to state the reason.----

I want to live my life in a different way.

However rough or hard it is, I still want.
----You still want what?----

I want to do something which makes me try continuously all my life so that when I am old, I can look back and smile with satisfaction .

Many nights I thought a lot about what I could do to change my life, to escape from the old lifestylethat many women in my country have lead.

Finally, I found a way that is studying abroad.
----A way to do what?----

However, with my family's current financial situation , I cannot easily to afford to study abroad.

Time goes by, I grew up and went to Ho Chi Minh city- a big city in my country to enter into university with an burning dream in my heart.

----What is your dream? Also this sentence seems a little out of place.----

In fact, I have always believed that if I try non-stop for something, it will happen .

----These are just a few corrections to get you started----
One big thing you keep referring to is your "dream". Tell us about your dream and explain exactly what it is.
Gautama   
Mar 18, 2009
Book Reports / Hamlet Theme Essay Introduction Help [7]

To add to what Sean said you could look at specifically who succeeds and who fails in getting their revenge. Maybe they all succeeded on a certain level and then failed on another level. When you examine each character you can ask yourself these questions:

1. What was this character's original plot for revenge?
2. Did this plot succeed? (Maybe it succeeded but did not bring about the results the character intended.)
3. Was the character satisfied?
4. Was the character justified in wanting revenge? (Also was the severity of the revenge plot appropriate for the crimes commited against the plotter?)
5. What did the character learn from the results of his/her revenge?
6. Why did the character succeed?
7. Why did the character fail?

These all deal with character growth which should be very important in your essay. How does revenge affect character growth?
Gautama   
Mar 16, 2009
Writing Feedback / Essay for TOEFL: "establishing a new university in your community" [5]

There are many advantages to setting up the university such as more opportunities for people in the community to pursue their studies and the creation of jobs.

"If you would like to attend a business school, you have to travel across the country to get to a distant university. He or she definitely can get in the business school in the proposed community's university."

----Here you have "you" as the subject of the first sentence. Then in the second sentence, although you are still refering to the same individual, you use "he or she" as the subject. Just pick one.----

"Undoubtedly, the university will have to hire professors, employees and etc."
----Professors would be considered employees so to list these two things seems redundant. I would change the above sentence to something like this:----

Undoubtedly, the university will have to hire professors, janitors, security, and other such faculty.

More waste will have to be managed. Maybe the crime rate will also increase.

Overall very good job and no really major mistakes. You might want to try to work on combining some of your smaller sentences into larger ones. Example:

"Thus, a number vacant positions need to be filled. Also there will be more opportunities to work in the community."
----could become this----
"Thus, a number vacant positions will need to be filled which means there will be more opportunities to work in the community."

----or----

"Moreover, when people have jobs, they will have money to spend on goods and services. This can also help stimulate the local economy."

----could becomes this----
"Moreover, when people have jobs, they will have money to spend on goods and services which can also help stimulate the local economy.
Gautama   
Mar 16, 2009
Writing Feedback / a psychology research paper [3]

Since the beginning of human existence on the surface of the world, people have found ways to alter their bodies and minds by taking substances like drugs and alcohol.

As time passes by andwheretechnologybecomes more advanced every day , people start to take these substances for granted.

Instead of for the uses of medication, they now use these substances for the sake of entertainment which not only causes harm to themselves but to the other people around them as well.

Psychoactive substances can lead to a dependence syndrome, which is a cluster of behavioral, cognitive and physiological phenomena that develop after repeated use ofsubstances such as marijuana, heroin and alcohol.

These are just a few corrections to get you started. Reread your essay and pay special attention to you usage of tenses. You switch between present and past tense in the first paragraph alot and it can get confusing. For example:

"As time passes by where everything is getting advanced every day, people start to take these substances for granted. Instead for the uses of medication, they used these substances for the sake of entertainment which not only causes harm to themselves but as well as the people around them."

----The first sentence is in the present tense but then the second sentence switches to past tense. If you are talking about the same "people" in the same timeframe you must choose only one tense.----
Gautama   
Mar 14, 2009
Undergraduate / Challenging the limits of my intelligence and responsibility - Philosophical Warrior [29]

Ok now I see your side, Mustafa. What Sean did (though I don't think he was really trying to challenge anyone) was irresponsible. He used a sneaky tactic by quoting someone else then agreeing with what they said. He basically did say that religion is insane which is irresponsible as a moderator.

And believe me, I do have things in my life that I would take great personal offense to where they to be called "insane" so I understand your response, I really do.

I do still stick with what I said earlier about the coarsness of your language. You say this:

"When you read what I say, make sure to read it twice, because more often than not it's easy to overlook the point that I'm trying to get across and instead focus on the manner in which I get it across. So, save yourself some unnecessary affront and make sure you understand what I'm saying for what I'm trying to say."

Mustafa, you cannot say things however you wish to say them and then just make it everyone else's problem if they find you offensive. That is a problem that you have in interpersonal communication, not everyone else. You have to take responsibility for how you talk to people(and it's not always about just flat out attacking someone. It's also about the little covert assides that are vitriolic and are meant to be combative and belittling)

You cannot say things in a hurtful or coarse way and then say: listen, just read it again and disregard all the rudeness. When I read the past debates between you and Sean I detected no hostility in Sean's comments at all as he was trying to counter your arguments. Your responses seemed to be full of comments that were designed to try to get a rise out of people. Those would be much better examples of intelligent debate if we could go back and cut out all of the unnecessary assides and hostile language.

And hey, maybe you really don't mean to be coarse. So what? You still are and need to go back and "make sure to read [your comments] twice" to be respectful to the other people who show you the same courtesy.
Gautama   
Mar 14, 2009
Undergraduate / Topic for UTSA Engineering; Three People [4]

Well you could just write three different paragraphs for the three different people you choose. This would have each paragraph stand on its own and they would not be connected to each other.

That may be to risky, however. You might want to find out what these 3 people all have in common for you. Think about what makes people into good teachers, from your experience, and how the people you picked share these characteristics. This would allow you to write an intro paragraph talking about all 3 and their "common" attributes and then the 3 body paragraphs that elaborate on each person individually.
Gautama   
Mar 14, 2009
Undergraduate / Challenging the limits of my intelligence and responsibility - Philosophical Warrior [29]

Is it just me or is Mustafa being really disrespectful and unnecessarily mean?

Seriously, you are a smart guy with interesting things to say but you have no right to personally attack the moderators of these forums.

Everything you said up until the last five lines was really interesting and of value. Then you go on a rant to attack Sean that is completely unnecessary.

"Don't alienate people with BS."
"You're welcome to tell us your opinion, but don't state it as fact. That's appealing to your authority as a writer, ok?"

----Do you want him to write "In my opinion in front of every sentence or something? This is a debate. We are all arguing our own opinions. You seem perfectly comfortable with presenting your own ideas as "facts" so don't police everybody else about it.----

"You're not in your right capacity to speak authoritatively about something that no one can claim with any dignity to be an authority on."

----This is another example of hipocrisy. If he has no right to speak authoritatively about this stuff then you don't either. (And believe me, you keep trying to speak in the most authoritative manner you can muster.) This is a DEBATE, we aren't stating our opinions as if they are facts. Otherwise there would be nothing to debate.----

"If you must belittle people's beliefs, do it on your own time, not while you have that Essayforum.com tag and people might make the mistake of believing that your nonsensical blabber is any more credible than the next idiot Sam, Sean, or Shaw."

----This is the most hypocritical comment of them all. You say not to belittle others then you go right ahead and belittle Sean's moderator status on this site, call his well written and thought out arguments "nonsensical blabber", and then indirectly call him an idiot.----

So I leave you with one question: What is your problem? If we are having a debate why can't you respect other people and respond to their arguments with logic (which I know you are capable of doing) instead of personal attacks? I think you are way out of line, my friend.
Gautama   
Mar 13, 2009
Undergraduate / Challenging the limits of my intelligence and responsibility - Philosophical Warrior [29]

The only people I have a problem with are those who say they know that they are right. I don't believe in god but I think that atheists are just as deluded as the next guy.

Its healthy to believe in something as long as you don't take yourself to seriously because its really impossible to know about this stuff for sure. When you gain the courage to allow your beliefs to constantly be challenged (and even be scrapped for new ones all together when need be) you cease to be religious and instead become philosophical.
Gautama   
Mar 12, 2009
Writing Feedback / Catcher in the Rye: reality vs. fantasy [20]

To me, it doesn't sound like your thesis answers the prompt. You need to explain what the purpose of his fantasies are. You say he falls into his fantasy world. Why does he create this world? What is its purpose to him? Try to go deeper than just: He creates fantasies to escape from a world that he cannot fit into. If you follow that thesis the paper will just be about examples of him escaping from reality and not about WHY he chooses these delusions. Even if you do go deep enough to answer these questions later in you paper it still needs to be in your thesis statement. You should not introduce new ideas outside your thesis.

Answer these:
"Holden's imagination runs wild as he tries to find a way to fit in with ordinary people, but he goes to far and ends up falling into his own fantasy world because _______."

"Holden has trouble relating to the people around him, so he fantasizes about the possibility of escaping the phoniness of the city and going somewhere peaceful with someone he can get along with because _______."

Also all the body paragraphs need to answer different aspects of the prompt. Don't tell us things that are obviously given in the plot of the book. Body 2, for instance, just sounds like plot summary. You need to tell us WHY he fakes life-threatening physical ailments. What are his reasons for pretending that his mental problems are physical problems? Why does he believe that curing fake physical problems will help his mental conditions. Every time you answer a question ask why again. Every time you answer the next why-question you have taken your paper to a deeper level.

(I don't know, lol. Maybe I am being to harsh for the level you are at right now. These are the kind of problems my teachers try to make me push through.)
Gautama   
Mar 11, 2009
Writing Feedback / Catcher in the Rye: reality vs. fantasy [20]

To organize the first thing you should do is come up with your thesis.

What I would do if I were you is write your thesis statement then write all of the topic sentences of your body paragraphs then post those on here and we will take a look. (Remember: topic sentences are like mini thesis statements for each paragraph that operate under the main thesis of your paper. The topic sentences represent one main idea that your paragraph will talk about. For sanity's sake only include one main idea in each body paragraph.)

Now this technique is up for debate as some people like to freewrite paragraphs then find out what the main idea was after they are done. Problem is freewrites are hard to keep organized and on track unless you are a pro at improvising without going off topic. I cannot do this. I always start with a topic sentence and build from there.

So again, if you want I would first post:
1. thesis statement
2. topic sentences
Then we can go one step at a time.
Gautama   
Mar 11, 2009
Writing Feedback / Catcher in the Rye: reality vs. fantasy [20]

Thank you so much for including the whole prompt.

The first paragraph is all plot summary. You need to have your thesis here that explains what the meanings of Holden's fantasy's are. I see you kind of answer that question in the conclusion but it needs to be in the intro.

Most of this essay seems to be plot summary. Don't overuse quotes. Quotes should help prove a point that you are trying to make and for every quote you should have meaningful analysis. I see that you did try to analyze some of the quotes but it seems like when you are summarizing plot you use quotes just to prove that what you are saying actually is in the book. We believe you and don't need textual evidence for this. What we need is evidence that supports an idea that YOU came up with about the book.

The body paragraphs need to be more focused. Each body paragraph must begin with a topic sentence that connects to your thesis statement. All quotes that are included in each body paragraph must support the idea presented by it's topic sentence. One thing that I like to do is make sure that every topic sentence answers a "why" question. This generally makes the ideas more meaningful. For example:

"Several times throughout the book, Holden pretends or imagines he has a life-threatening physical ailment because_______."

It's not enough to talk about what happened in a book and all the examples for it. You must answer why these things happened.
Gautama   
Mar 10, 2009
Essays / How to start an essay on The Merchant Of Venice...? [4]

Well first you have to ask yourself: Do I think Shylock is portrayed as a victim or as a villian? The answer to that question is the first part of your thesis statement.

Second you have to ask yourself: Why do I think that and what evidence do I have to support such a claim? The answer to that question is the second part of your thesis statement.

So, a simplistic way of presenting a thesis here would be:

Shylock is portrayed as a _______ in the society he lives in because of _______, _______, and ______.

From there you can make your body paragraphs about each of the main reasons you have for thinking he is a victim or a villian and the evidence you have to support these main reasons. You will probably want to include and analyze textual evidence from the play to support specific claims that you make as well.

Show us what you have after that. Or better yet try just writing the intro paragraph (include your thesis statement and a sentence or two on the main ideas of each body paragraph as well as a strong opening hook should you deem it neccessary) and we can take a look at it.
Gautama   
Mar 9, 2009
Essays / Pride and Prejudice Essay. Starting a research. [8]

The prompt asks "to what extent" which probably means that the essay will be about the measure of how extreme Elizabeth's actions are. If you have read the book you can probably come up with a gut reaction answer to this question. So run with it.

Do some freewrites that talk about what she does specifically and how extreme you think these actions are. Talk about how much she is willing to sacrifice and how many risks she is willing to take, etc.

Scan the freewrites and come up with what your main argument is. Condense that argument down into one sentence and there is your thesis. That should get you started. Post what you come up with and if you need help on an outline or body paragraphs you will know where to find us. :)
Gautama   
Mar 9, 2009
Research Papers / Outline for death penalty research paper? [11]

I get my "in the moment thinking" from freewrites that I usually do beforehand. I will sometimes find a topic then come up with a hypothesis for what I think my thesis will be. Then I do freewrites to get most of my body paragraph material and to see where my random thoughts will take me. Then I make any neccessary changes to my thesis and write an outline to organize all the randomness of my freewrites. THEN I rewrite the freewrites according to my outline to make the finished paper.

I usually dont start with an outline either (rather I start with freewrites) but before I turn those freewrites into a paper I write an outline. If I dont have some kind of guidline I will go off on irrelevant tangents. God bless you guys who can get away with freewriting papers!

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