Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by workinprogress
Joined: Dec 29, 2011
Last Post: Dec 29, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 12  

From: United States

Displayed posts: 13
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
workinprogress   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Supplement Essay-How I Developed Interest in Cancer [19]

Good one (:
Maybe you could consider deleting the first sentence? it sounds a little redundant to me.
Also, please watch your usage on the amount of I's you use (:
other than that your point and reason for having interesting in cancer research is touching (:
best of luck!
workinprogress   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'The unique badger caught my eyes' - Why Rice [6]

good essay(:
Umm you could elaborate on what you mean by undergraduate research project and what is exactly you learned.
Hmm in my opinion your third paragraph seems just a tad irrelevant to your first to paragraphs so maybe you could expand on that as your main focus or go more in depth.

It is good, it just needs smoother transitions. Maybe you don't have to elaborate on the seal as much or find a better example of your wonderful curiosity for things (:

I hope i helped.

Best of luck!
workinprogress   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / COmmon app essay on diversity from a different perspective [2]

Cool essay I must say.
My critiques:
That is one strong beginning. However, knowing rather than thinking better to know.
What if you also consider using fictional names to make it more personal rather than thing one and thing two?
You could also take out "Being Nigerian or" part (: Also you should consider limiting your uses of I's

very insightful into your culture though, (:

Best of luck!
workinprogress   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the mysteries of the world' - Common Application main essay [5]

Interesting way of creating this piece! I do believe that word limit is five-hundred if i may not be mistaken?
First sentence, "A new life was born" maybe it should be conceived?
You should also limit your uses of the word My's
This is a very interesting way approaching an essay. The way you create your paragraphs is unique, but I don't know if it is appropriate or not.

Maybe you could also focus more on your main point? but overall well done.

Best of luck!
workinprogress   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "Crumbs" -- Brown, Rice, Tufts [12]

good introduction, it made me giggle with a sense of humor from your sister.
Very very good description and use of humor.
I love your wording and use of creativity with the whole jam sentence
I really really love your essay. Just a great approach in general!
Maybe you could limit your uses of I's as a critique trying to rephrase some sentences.

Beautiful overall. You deserve that acceptance letter.

Best of luck!
workinprogress   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Common App Essay *Teach me how to rap* [7]

good topic overall and good writing in general. however, I feel as if the first two sentences are too cliche, try deleting them.
umm..maybe you should also consider leaving "black man out of the hood out" only because I feel that they might get the impression that you are implying racial profiling.

It's good, but maybe you could go into more detailed description of your main focus and maybe think of a stronger conclusion.

remember quality or quantity (:

Best of luck!
workinprogress   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "stay hungry, stay foolish" - Common App Essay - Steve Jobs Influence [4]

Nicely done (: going to college should always be within inner desire and I see that with you. My critiques: I feel like you should put your first paragraph below the second. Also I feel like you are using too many I's. Try to rephrase your sentences (: Possibly also include personal examples please (:

Best of luck.
workinprogress   
Dec 29, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS - Local & International news , which is more important ? [5]

This is very well written and I see both sides fairly well. But please take note that this asks for your opinion. I feel as if maybe you are presenting too much information about what other people or "some people" think rather than what you think. You should include some personal examples as well (:

Best of luck <3
workinprogress   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / BU supplement! Roomate essay.. yay! [5]

Good essay overall (: all I have to say is that I think you may be using I, me, and my a tad bit too much. Try restructuring your essay a tad because it sounds just a little redundant. make sure you also spell out numbers less than ten(: and create paragraphs (: Maybe you could include more description in your experiences as well.

Best of luck (:
workinprogress   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / NYU SUPPLEMENT- In n Out, Socratic Seminars, Sewing (badly) [21]

1--I really enjoy the humor in the first sentence. It's unique and really interesting, maybe you could focus on NYU more though (:
2--I thought this had its own unique sense of individualism, but I felt as if your message was not as strong as it could be. I felt like you elaborated more on what happened in your cool history class.

3--Very well written. (:
Best of luck!
workinprogress   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 2011 Cornell A&S Supplement Essay [5]

This is very beautiful. You are a great writer and I barely have any critiques! The only thing that I was iffy on, was the part where you started listing the numbers of undergraduates clubs and such. It is not a bad thing of course, it shows that you took interest in researching their school. I just personally feel that maybe there is no need to list things? Also, the sentence where you mentioned taking psychology class seemed a bit broad and out of place. Nonetheless, your work is amazing and beautiful. You deserve a spot at Cornell. Best of luck!
workinprogress   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "The moment has finally arrived" -- Common App Essay Topic of Choice [8]

The moment has finally arrived; the college application essay has found its way onto my computer screen. No pressure. That was total sarcasm by the way. Days on end, I spent contemplating a "unique, and original" introduction to what may be the only chance of "standing out from the rest". Sure the third grade self would not find much difficulty in conjuring up a topic and introduction, but I guess knowing that one's future played a fair amount in five hundred words, would add a tad bit of stress.

See, it is not knowing what to write that makes the process complicated. It is finding out how to write it all out and what to specifically say to make everything eloquently flow. That was always the weakness in writing essays. There is difficulty in starting off with the introduction and not knowing where to specifically end, but everything in between is a feeling of substance. Sometimes, I get lost within my own words, straying off topic and getting disorganized. And as much as I want the words to flow gracefully to the reader as it does within my own mind, it does not always happen. Draft after draft, error after error, the goal of perfection can seem intangible at times because there is always room for improvement. Then there are moments of realization that certain parts need to be added or extracted to stress a certain point. Sometimes I wonder how I made it to the finish line. Once reached completion, the "Wow, I finally did it" feeling fills me.

Writing an essay is how life and its situations are approached. The pen is passion and people are the paper. It is not exactly clear how to specifically start off, or how when and where to end. Nevertheless, everything else in between is direction, goals waiting to be embraced, and the desire to reach that "Wow, I finally did it" feeling blazes. It is the journey rather than the destination.

Although I may tend to stray, a wondering mind filled with curiosity and ideas have not gone in vein. Sometimes the beam of brilliance strikes at the most unforeseen moments. For instance, the passion for feeding the homeless has brought a loving recognition for helping people in need. In doing so, I am inspired to join the Peace Corps in the future and create a nonprofit organization that will assist people in third world countries.

I do not have novel literary works published in my ongoing book of seventeen years, but there is recognition from the people who have read my pages. In acknowledgment of character, service, and academics the honor of being in the National Honor Society was awarded. Those who have recognized my works have inspired me to do greater starting with an elite University.

Like the words to an essay, I can only hope that these words serve as the fingerprints that demonstrate an insight into the mind and its desire write on the world.
Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳