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Posts by edwkoc [Suspended]
Joined: Dec 30, 2011
Last Post: Jan 3, 2012
Threads: 4
Posts: 12  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 16
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edwkoc   
Jan 3, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Filipino' - Boston University- The Importance of Diversity around the world [2]

BU attracts students from more countries than are represented in the United Nations. Our global presence and reputation are important and are reflected in the perspectives, opinions, and experiences of our students. Why is this type of environment important to you?

My experiences on the other side of the world have helped attract me to Boston University because I have learned to embrace the diversity I have as an individual of many different perspectives. As a "Filipino American" who celebrates the Lutheran religion, I am a minority in a country where being part of a minority in some way is simply "the norm." In other countries however, this is not the case. In the Philippines, I learned that mostly everyone not only has similar physical features, but people also all come from a similar way of life and have a shared perspective. Therefore, during my trip, I enthusiastically anticipated to be perceived as a member of the Filipino majority.

In my efforts to do so, I became my Filipino cousin's shadow and followed her everywhere she went. Yet, although I hoped to blend in the crowd, when I sat in her classroom among thirty other pupils that Friday morning, I immediately noticed that I was the un-uniformed sore thumb in the room. Again in mass on Sunday, her whispered translations of the morning's Catholic prayer were followed by glares from nearby families. Even in places where there was nothing I did to draw peoples' attention I still got stares and I soon learned why. Although I had inherited the Filipino brown skin, chocolate eyes, flat nose, and round face, one of my inherited features didn't match up-my curly German hair, which again made me a minority in a place where I had hoped to be part of the majority.

I soon became jealous of my cousin's life because, unlike her, I have never been able to share similar, if not the same perspective as everyone around me. And my curiosity came with never ending questions. "What's it like living on an island?" "Do roosters always wake you up?!" She giggled at my naivety but what always surprised me were the questions she asked me in return. "Do maple trees make syrup?!" "Is snow real?!"

And then it hit me. I realized that my cousin was to me the same that I was to her: a source of diversity. I was the only person in her life that offered something other than a Filipino perspective and vice versa. Even though I was again a minority in the Philippines, my diversity was something I could share not only with her, but with everyone else as well. In fact, it was something that made me different from the crowd in a good way. So, the next day I asked to talk to the younger students at her school. I taught them American games like Hide and Seek and Simon Says that may have been redundant to me, but exciting for all of them.

In my experiences in the Philippines, not only did I gain a perspective on the importance of diversity, but I also found confidence being a member of a minority both in the Philippines and in the United States. I realize now that without minorities, diversity would not exist. Therefore, while diversity found in the BU community is very important to me, I think what is even more important is being proud to be part of a minority and willing to share that diversity with others-a role that I would proudly fulfil as a student at Boston University.
edwkoc   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'passion for geography' - UPenn Long Essay [4]

This is a fine essay, but it doesn't stand out. I think one way to fix this is your beginning. Maybe starting out with the story about the UPenn person who changed your mind or something...I'm not really sure how, but the first paragraph it kind of unnecessary. I want to hear more about your passion for geography and how specifically you plan to satisfy that passion at UPenn through environmental studies.
edwkoc   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / "Trust in the Lord with all your heart" - Princeton essay [4]

weasel my way through

This essay is really really really strong, but is there any way you can turn this into a positive? Unless you really don't want to. But reading the prompt again, you answered the question very fully.

GREAT job.
edwkoc   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'The game of golf' - Common App [8]

I think something that can make the beginning of this essay especially REALLY strong is not saying right away that it's golf. Describe more in detail about the "claps" and the "shaking hands" so we are pulled in and then maybe at the end of the paragraph say that it is golf.

I think that is what is missing. Everything is so spelled out for us, that I felt like I was almost reading an encylcopedia paragraph on golf. Granted it's very well written, but you could draw us in more! :)

Also with the Golf Academy and the kids, is there a specific kid that you remember? You provided such a general overview that I wasn't "touched" by a story. I only get a taste, but I want a gulp.

You got this! You're making great improvements. I read your essay on a post yesterday too. There is definitely no need to scrap.
edwkoc   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'art, violin, gymnastics, yoga, and climbing' - U-Penn Supplement [2]

I like the end. You got really specific. Try to add in more specific things about U Penn. Also, the beginning although provided person details, I feel like you can provide more of a story rather than just stating facts. I think the problem is the person part and the why you like UPenn part are too separate. You should combine the two better and that would help with those transitions!
edwkoc   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the family physician' - Favorite class essay [6]

I like your class choice, but I think, especially because you chose this class, you can make the essay stronger by providing really strong descriptions of the dissections, etc. A majority of your essay is dialogue. I would shorten that section and get more into the end. Also, I kept asking myself "So what?" What does this say about you and what you can give to the school.

It's a good start, but it needs a bit of work.
Good luck!
edwkoc   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / Creation of my daily reading material - Tufts #3 [5]

I was going to say the same thing as the person above. WHY does this all matter? What does it say about who YOU are or who you want to become? There is something great here that could be made into something really amazing. Don't give up.
edwkoc   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'No such thing as the Postal Service' - NYU Supplement- What intrigues you? [9]

I think the revision makes the image you are trying to draw for us clear and I felt like in your new paragraph you were going to go into how the postal service intrigues you. If that isn't what I should be thinking you should definitely change it. haha but also you have a lot more room to expand so I don't think we can give a proper critique of this unless you expand and focus it to what intrigues YOU. You paint a great picture, but what does it mean to YOU. I wrote this supplement as well (check it out in my posts) and although everyone who answers this post may be talking about generic things, the story they tell that relates to those things are all completely different. That what makes supplements interesting to read. You have to make it personal.

Good illustration though!
edwkoc   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Dancers are the luckiest people' - NYU Supplement- What intrigues you? [4]

What intrigues you? Tell us about one work of art, scientific achievement, piece of literature, method of communication, or place in the world (a film, book, performance, website, event, location, etc.), and explain its significance to you.

Dancers are the luckiest people in the world. Their job is to express a story through their bodies and to me their stories become the most beautiful form of art there is. My eyes cannot stray from the leg extensions, the pirouettes, the flexibility of dancers, young and old, ballet, jazz, lyrical, tap---I love it all.

All my life, I've wanted to be a dancer, but when I was little I couldn't afford to take class so my first experience with dance was in my first year of high school. At my first ballet class I made wonderful discoveries of new muscles in my legs, fingertips, and torso that I had never worked before. I worked different areas of my brain as I tried to pick up the routines we learned that day. I was diligent in trying to recognize the patterns and I finished class feeling exhilarated. It wasn't as easy as it looked, but I enjoyed it just as much as I thought I would.

Unfortunately, I also discovered that because I started so late, I probably wouldn't be able to dance professionally. I was shattered by fact that I would never be able to dance like the professional ballerina's I constantly admired, but yet, I didn't give up.

I now know that my performance during that first ballet class wasn't good. I was missing basic technique. I know that now however because I didn't stop dancing and learning. Throughout high school, I took all types of dance classes in and out of school, watched videos on dance, read books, looked at pictures and I couldn't stop.

I still take dance in school and now my teacher puts me in the front of the class so that the other students can watch me if they forget the steps. I choreographed my first piece this year, in ballet I am en pointe and I have finally officially been able to call myself "a dancer."

Although I will never become a prima ballerina or a Rockette, I have found another way to incorporate dance into my life. Dance helps me concentrate. As I try to memorize a monologue, or study for my exams, I dance while dictating the facts to myself. Dance helps me remember and darn it, I'll dance forever.
edwkoc   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'first impressions are everything' - Boston University Review [11]

I think something that will help you is the fact that you take too much time introducing what you are about to say. We already know the prompt so because this is a limited essay you should get straight to just talking about what you would say. Even though you have great facts and many facts about yourself, I think to make this stand out you should elaborate on one or two of them. College look for personal stories that you can high light your qualities with. They don't want you to just list your qualities. So I think this is good, but the people above me are right. You can definitely make it stand out more like what exactly is the decision theory. You kind of just skimmed over that? You can use that to make an interesting concept. You can say that your knowledge of the decision theory will effect how you remember your first encounter with your roommate...or something like that. But that is definitely something that few applicants can bring up in their essay so use it to your advantage! :)

Good luck!
edwkoc   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'An anything but ordinary college' - Oberlin College Supplement Help [3]

I like it a lot. Maybe not end with "A college in the middle of Ohio" I'm sure Oberlin is not the only college in the middle of Ohio. If you want to end it without just saying "Oberlin" named a VERY specific trait that only Oberlin has to offer. Other than that, it was great!
edwkoc   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / NYU Supplement- My experiences that have helped cultivate my interests, etc. [9]

Regardless of whether or not you have an intended major or concentration, please elaborate on an academic area of interest and how you wish to explore it at NYU's campuses in New York or Abu Dhabi or at one of our global academic centers around the world. Please share any activities or experiences you have had that have cultivated your intellectual interests leading you to choose to study at the NYU campus of your choice.

"I don't know what I want to do." It's a sentence that I have just recently come to terms with saying aloud. For three years of high school, I was dead set on being a broadcast journalist---the perfect balance of my interest in performance, writing, interviewing, and travel. It's what I wanted out of my career as a high school freshmen and what I convinced myself I wanted out of my career senior year.

But now, I have finally broken out of my cage and in many ways my new internship in NYC in the field of pre and post natal wellness has been able to give me that reawakening that I needed. I decided to take this internship because it would give me a taste of a totally different field from the one I had been studying for the last four years at my performing arts high school, but it has provided me something way more significant than that. I have finally had a real taste of New York City.

Surrounded by my peers in a performing arts school who were all interested in auditioning for vocal training, BFA acting programs, and other theatre related universities around the globe made me struggle to decide. "Did I want to pursue a career in the arts after all?" But one day as I strutted to a NYC street performer's drumbeat, I came to the realization that you don't need a studio to perform.

I have learned so much about myself just by having this experience in New York City. Nowadays, I think to myself "Maybe I could be a nurse...or an obstetrician...or...or...or" ...I am still constantly discovering new opportunities. The Hudson River might as well be a border between two different countries because my experiences in NYC have helped me make so many novel discoveries about myself career wise that I would love to see the career paths that NYU's campuses in London, Paris, even Abu Dhabi have to offer me. The truth is---I am not afraid to follow the wrong path because I know that at NYU the world is my stage and lucky for me, there are no dead ends.
edwkoc   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / Girls' Soccer - Common App Extracurricular [4]

"He began me to teach" should be ---> He began to teach me.

This is a great personal story, but at the end I found myself asking how does this passion you have make you a good student? Who does it reflect on your academic work, etc. I think there is a bigger picture that can be drawn from this story.
edwkoc   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / Philosophy, psychology / Music and education - Suppliment essay for Lehigh [3]

For the second essay, your first sentence just takes up word space. In a supplement like this you don't need a filler sentence like that to introduce your paragraph because the person reading it will already have a good idea of what you are about to say.

I like your first supplement. In general try to add more personal touches to your supplements! They're good though!
edwkoc   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'mom moved to the US from the Philippines' - Why NYU? [5]

I'm ready to take on New York City in its entirely and I think the only way to really do that is to attend New York University because there are no boundaries between the two. My desire to go to NYU is a very personal one because my family background has given me the independence that it takes to survive in the Big Apple. My mom moved to the US from the Philippines six months after my birth and while I was raised into the American culture my mom had to learn everything, including the English language, all from scratch. My dad is also very different from the father's of my peers. Born in the 1930's he has yet to touch the keys of a computer or even own a cellphone. Therefore, its become my job to update him with the cyber information of the virtual world. I have amazing parents, but because of their backgrounds, I have also been responsible for some of the parenting that has only shaped me to be self-motivated and independent---qualities that will help me strive at NYU.

NYU is close to home, but can also seem very far away so its great to have a mix of both and a hop, skip, and a jump off "campus" are amazing internship opportunities that I would be able to take advantage of as a student. I plan to spend a lot of my time in college studying abroad and I am comforted by the fact that while I study in another country, I am still being taught by NYU professors and being enriched with the core NYU curriculum, but surrounded by the beauty and culture of another world.

"If you want it, it's out there." -something I've heard from many current NYU students. The diversity of NYU that reflects the diversity of the city itself attracts me because the student body and faculty seem to have an appreciation for all different types of ethnicities, religions, cultures, sexual orientations as well as appreciation for academic diversity. With all my work in the arts the last four years, although I don't plan to pursue a career in the arts, it would still be great to be around people who don't throw it off as just an extracurricular. The accepting atmosphere, cutting edge technology, and the fact that your experience is literally what you make of it are all qualities that shape a clear picture of the successful "me" at NYU.
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