Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]

Posts by doctorgirl222
Joined: Jan 3, 2012
Last Post: Jan 16, 2012
Threads: 4
Posts: 7  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 11
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Jan 16, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I can vividly envision myself on campus' - Peddie [11]

You say that Peddie will help you achieve your acedemic and extracirricular goals a lot. Instead of simply stating that Peddi will help you achieve your goals, write about what goals you want to set for yourself and exactly what programs or activities Peddie has to offer that will help you achieve these goals. I think that will make you stand out a lot more, because when you write about something you are passionate about that the school has to offer, the admissions people know that you will take advantage of the resources.
Jan 15, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Racing to Success' - Emory Essay [2]

What is your favorite ride at the amusement park? How does this reflect your approach to life?

Racing to Success
The light flashes green and I slam my foot on the acceleration pedal without any reservations. I turn the wheel slightly so my go-kart cuts off the person slightly behind me. Every time I am at an amusement park, I cannot leave without winning a go-kart race. Go-karting provides a rush of carefree exhilaration: I am allowed to speed past and cut off everyone blocking my success in a way that would be appalling (and illegal) in the real world.

My love for go-karting reveals a lot about my attitude in life. I often feel the need to be in control of my life, and cringe when I have to plan around things that I cannot control, such as the weather. This attribute helps me to charge after what I want instead of waiting for an opportunity to be presented to me. In addition to loving life in the driver's seat, Go-karting reflects my competitive attitude. I am always challenging myself to accomplish certain goals, such as taking all AP classes, or running a faster mile at lacrosse practice. I approach life with a positive and determined attitude, much like a go-kart race, because I know the key to success is to continue chasing my aspirations with a smile until I win.
Jan 15, 2012
Undergraduate / 'AT an AP Physics class my jaw dropped' - Emory Essay [3]

I love leaving things to the last minute apparently.

1. What are the unique qualities of Emory University, and the specific school(s) to which you are applying (Emory College of Arts and Sciences, Oxford College, or both), that make you want to become part of Emory University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified?

On the first day of junior year I walked into my AP Physics class and my jaw dropped. Every inch of my teacher's wall was covered in banners from different colleges that past students have attended. During the break of the double period class, I roamed around the room, looking from banner to banner. One big bright, blue and white flag caught my attention. Thus began my interest in Emory University.

I had always heard of Emory as a great Business school, but when I saw students from a class of science enthusiasts found Emory to be their perfect fit, I was resolute about my decision to come here. Emory has a pre-med track plan and an excellent medical school where I can establish experience in the medical field early on. In addition to the superlative academics, the research programs offered at Emory causes me to leap with excitement. I will apply to participate in the Summer Undergraduate Research program at Emory because I cannot fathom a more interesting and fun way to spend a summer than having a mentor teach me how to conduct and carry out research that will benefit the community of science.

Giving back to my community has always been an important practice in my life. Volunteer Emory is a great program with diverse organized opportunities for service. The Action Ministries Atlanta organization grabs my attention because I believe that educating children who grow up in poverty will provide hope and inspiration for them to change their lives.
Jan 4, 2012
Undergraduate / (great libraries / engaging classes) - Santa Clara [2]

Essay #1:
I think the last sentence of this essay is pretty weak. The end of the essay should describe your passion about SCU or why you would be a great student there, not listing great stuff there. In fact, you shouldn't mention the "top security and new great libraries" unless you explain exactly why they are significant to you.

In junior year, I researched about universities. I had a strong impression on Santa Clara, because of its great location.
These two sentances are choppy. I would merge them into one sentace so they say something like:
When I researched universities my junior year, Santa Clara made a stupendous impresson on me becuase of its great location.

I really like how you mention that you grew up knowing the name of Santa Clara, you could definitely talk about that a little more. It's a great essay.

Essay #2:
You need a more engaging opening sentence, becuase this one doesn't captivate my attention at all. The admissions office will want to see your enthusiasm for Santa Clara practically jump off the page, so don't be afraid to show a little more personality.

Professors encourage students to explore their personal interests and goals. I can imagine myself in SCU, engaged in every class. Again, join these sentanecs together for a smoother read:

Because the professors encourage students to explore and create new interests, I can imagine myself eagerly sitting in class, engaging in every discussion.
Somthing like that.

Will you give me your opinion on my Tufts essays? I already submitted them, but I will probably use some for other colleges. Thanks! Good Luck on your apps
Jan 4, 2012
Undergraduate / (academics and social life / speak life / house) - Tufts essayds [6]

These are well written essays. I liked the second one explaining your commitment to becoming an engenier, and it is clever how you took a tour of your house to "frame the richness of your idenity" :)

The first one is a little formulaic but I didn't find any grammatical errors, and your words usage was consice and informative.
Good luck getting in! We could possibly be future classmates haha
Could you also review my Tufts essays? They are in two different posts.
Jan 3, 2012

Your essay has great content. In the second paragraph you jump around a little switching from your adventures in the market place to your business success. This is a little confusing, so I would suggest creating a new paragraph.

Also, it would be helpful to the reader if you defined exactly what Inspire Africa is in the first paragraph and what you were doing there. I like how you incorporate the culture you learned into the Essay though, it's very original!
Jan 3, 2012
Undergraduate / 'a law to The Ministry of Magic' - Tufts Supplement [4]

Prompt: Celebrate your Nerdy side

This is an optional essay, so aside from gramatical errors or sentace structuring, is it good enough of an idea to send in? word count: 476

I, Alex Nierlich, Mayor of Dumbletown, do hereby propose a law to The Ministry of Magic which would render the eleventh of June to be Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore Day. Even long after the tragic death of our hero, his words of wisdom continue to give inspiration to the youth of our Wizarding World.

Albus Dumbledore is no novice when it comes to love. He knows that love is not defined by a relationship status on Facebook, or a marriage certificate from City Hall, something that our civilized society has failed to grasp thus far. He recognizes that the most powerful love is the kind that lies unspoken, expressing itself with actions rather than meaningless words. For any doubters of Dumbledore's theory, the wickedest sorcerer in history, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, was not destroyed because Harry Potter presented him with a marriage certificate. Harry defeated him because he possessed a love inside his soul that Voldemort knew nothing of. Clearly, Dumbledore's advanced wisdom regarding love saved half the Wizarding World.

"It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to our enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to our friends". What a wise man! How many times have we, as humans, been quick to call out the mistakes of those we detest, yet suddenly turn a blind eye when the same mistakes are made by loved ones? Albus Dumbledore is the perfect poster boy for the courage needed to stand up to friends. When he was seventeen, he became the best of friends with Gellert Grindelwald. Unfortunately, Grindelwald showed his true colors shortly afterward when his obsession for "Wizard Domination" resulted in an argument that killed Albus' sister, Ariana. Dumbledore ignored Grindelwald's evil actions overseas because he was afraid to fight with someone he had loved. Finally, he had to muster the courage to stand up to his old friend and show him that killing people was not okay. Dumbledore lead by example and defeated Grindelwald in 1945, locking him in prison for life. Dumbledore showed great bravery by once again saving the Wizarding World at a great personal cost.

Dumbledore was a brilliant and courageous man, yet still was humble and relatable. He exhibits qualities that every man and woman should aspire to possess. For this reason, we should honor Albus Dumbledore every June eleventh. This holiday would mandate that everyone eat Dumbledore's favorite jam (raspberry of course) for breakfast and finish the day with a lemon drop- his favorite muggle candy. Furthermore, everyone in the country will be given a new pair of socks because as Dumbledore once said, "one can never have enough socks". I thank you for taking this new holiday into consideration. Please contact me on the progress of this law proposal and I will present to you all of my ideas for Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore Day.
Jan 3, 2012
Undergraduate / *WHO RUNS THE WORLD?* - TUFTS optional supplement essay [11]

This is cute! I'm actually doing the same prompt for my Tufts Essay, it's so fun.
It's obvious that you have a knack for words and rhyming, something that will be enduring to the admissions office. It is a bit long, but it's their job to read it all. Maybe incorporating

"Time goes on but things move slow,
So do not get any more bored."

I think the above lines are irrelevent because they don't rhyme very well and don't add anything to the story. If you need two lines to keep up the pattern of the poem, I would think of something different. Good luck, I hope you get in to Tufts!
Jan 3, 2012
Writing Feedback / Interesting essay about weird poem (my favorite anything) [6]

This is a great analysis and essay. It shows a lot about your personality and it's fun.
There is only one word choice I had a problem with, but that could just be personal preference.
When you write: "Today, the only absurdity I find with this poem is the extent to which it can relate to the modern world"

I don't feel like the word absurdity fits quite perfectly here. Why is it so absurd that it relates so well with the modern world? Maybe something like 'Every time I read this poem the extent to which it relates to the modern world continues to surprise me.'

Sorry this is so late, but good luck with everything!
Jan 3, 2012
Undergraduate / Core program at the University of Chicago brings the undergraduates closer for a global conversation [13]

Your interest in The University of Chicago is apparent in this essay. Hower, too much of the essay is spent listing all of the opportunities you would have at the University of Chicago. They already know all of the countires you can travel to with the study abroad programs. Pick one or two cities that are the most intriguing to you and explain the significance of traveling there.

For example: My dream of eating a chocolate crossaint by the Eifel Tower and listening to the natives chattering away in their beautiful romance language would lead me to study abroad in the magnificent city of Paris.

Be specific and creative, in exactly why you want to experience the things you have mentioned, and try to avoid the list of all the activities you would join. I hope this is helpful, I know how hard it is to write the "why us" essay, especially at the last minute.
Jan 3, 2012
Undergraduate / (Nerdy myself / Bicycle together) - Tufts [4]

I know this is very short notice but I just found out about this wonderful website (and tend to procrastinate). Will someone please provide editting feedback to a few supplement essays for Tufts? I will return the favor if you need. Thanks!

1. Why Tufts?

I want to go to a college where I can be my most nerdy, weird and true self. Tufts immediately captivates me because weirdness is a valued quality there. Looking at the clubs and activities Tufts has to offer turns me in to a child let loose in a candy store. I want it all - from the Harry Potter Society to the Pre-Medical Society to Club Lacrosse. Tufts will also accommodate my academic needs by delivering an education where I can foster passions in both Chemistry and English. It is my dream to add to the contagious enthusiasm at Tufts.

2. Let your life speak. Describe the environment in which you were raised and how it impacted the person you are today.

I grew up an only child in a family that loved to bicycle together. One day in the fourth grade, I arrived home from school to find my mom waiting for me at the front door. "Papi is at the hospital" she informed me without any introduction. He had been diagnosed with pancreatitis, a possible deadly inflammation of the pancreas.

As the months passed, I continued living my life normally. I would ride my scooter to school every morning, and back home every afternoon. We would eat dinner as a family, but most of the time my papi would work in the garage all day, not speaking to anyone. Eleven months after coming home from school to find my mom waiting for me at the front door, my papi moved out.

Spending half of my time with my sick father shaped me into a self-motivated, independent child. When I stayed with my papi, I would have to take care of him because his medicine sometimes made him delirious. Making dinner for us on those nights, cleaning our bathroom and reminding him to take the rest of his pills became my regular responsibilities.

Being a caregiver to someone who should have been taking care of me prepared me to be self-sufficient in solving my own problems. I am entirely comfortable in new situations. My papi's illness did not send me running to my mother's arms for protection, but instead is the foundation of the independent and adaptable person I am today.