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Posts by hasnaahmed
Joined: Dec 2, 2008
Last Post: Dec 3, 2008
Threads: 3
Posts: 14  
From: USA

Displayed posts: 17
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hasnaahmed   
Dec 3, 2008
Undergraduate / Final Admissions Essay (Emory University) [7]

wow, I like your closing sentence. That college is a home away from your home.

You have good thoughts about your topic. Hope kevin will edit it soon. By the way in my first comment maybe I said a lot of thing. If your essay is limited to some extent of words you can just share the main points.

Best of luck. =)
hasnaahmed   
Dec 3, 2008
Essays / Can someone help revise and detail my outline on the Julio-Claudian Dynasty [3]

I. Definiton of a dynasty/ Theme staement + Thesis staement. ( Theme statement is more general whereas thesis statement is specific. Your theme staement will support your thesis statement and help you to go deep).

Do you have to prove any point about what you think about the dynasty / you just need to write about the dynasty. If you do not have to write about your opinion then your theme stement shuld be very strong.

And i think you are organized well.
hasnaahmed   
Dec 3, 2008
Writing Feedback / Essay about Zambia - feedback on information, flow, and format appreciated! [5]

Ok Zambia is going through many difficulties.
Pick one difficulty and introduce in first sentence and then introduce Zambia.

Let's say a person died for lack of transportation in Zambia.Your example can be " an article named death for lack of transportation caught my attention in the newspaper. I read the horrible story about zambia.

You know if you tell a story admission office is more interested in you.

I am not good in editing. Sorry.
hasnaahmed   
Dec 3, 2008
Undergraduate / Experience for intellectual, social, or cultural differences, essay U of M [3]

Good experience.
you have a better chance to make it better.
Opening sentence is too general.
First line can be a line in fillipino language. Let's say the first day you went to work one of your co worker asked you something in their language. You felt embarassed, sad. They made fun of you. Then you realized there is nothing to be sad about the fact. You tried to learn more about their cultutre, langugae. Share something very important to you about their cultutre. Make a story.

Admissions office like to here stroy not general statement.
hasnaahmed   
Dec 3, 2008
Undergraduate / The clique short answer [7]

Hi,
Don't worry you are not missing any part.
You have good insight.

1. Describe your main parts. As Angela says how you learned good friendship, team work. Give a story that relates to the big changes you made thorugh your favorite activity.

I have an essay about my favorite activity. You can check mine. Maybe it will helo you a bit. It's called ''the most important activity of your life that tells something about you".
hasnaahmed   
Dec 3, 2008
Undergraduate / "the school choir" - Elaborate on One of Your ExtraCurricular Activities [6]

Ok good thought...
Fist line is catchy but too complicated. Try to break it down.

Your extra curiccular activity has impacted you, right?
Explain the impact on your own life. How it has made the big defference in you.
They don't want to know about your extracurricular activity but how your extracurricular activity has an positive impact.

You can do it. Go for it.
Best of luck
hasnaahmed   
Dec 3, 2008
Undergraduate / "Let us improve life through science and art," - FSU Admissions essay, help [6]

Ok. I read your essay.
Your ideas are great but guess what it's general. Everyone will say something like that.
I would suggest that -

1. make a story from your experience

2. Lets say once you went to a art exhibition . There was a picture that seemmed reallly disgusting to you. Your friend wanted to llok at that picture and analyze the meaning. You learned something ( something important to you, something you did not know before or did not think that way abou thte subject) that still influence your own life.

3. Your 'mores' is good. I like your opening line but I think you can make it more interesting and organized.
hasnaahmed   
Dec 3, 2008
Undergraduate / Final Admissions Essay (Emory University) [7]

Hey,
I like your comparision between Emory and Your brother.
Here are some of my advice. Hope these will help you.

1. Don't be too general ( Emory is the best school)
2. Just share an experience how you felt when you first learned about Emory.
3. Don't be like there is cultural diversity. make a story about cultural diversity.
For example,I went to visit Emory. I learned an interesting thing about one of the religion in Nepal.They pray God in the morning, sacrifice food for God and then eat breakfast. ( This is just an example).

I am trying to say that If you don't have a story try to make one that will be a hook.
4. Your ending is a bit confusing.

You have a good insight about the topic. If you try it will be better.
hasnaahmed   
Dec 3, 2008
Undergraduate / "Saih maht geanguh"- historical influence. [7]

Thanks four your comment on my essay.
I like how your each paragraph connect to each other.
I like your story a lot. I think you can say something really interesting about Saih.
your essay is organized but if you try to tell the same story making the character look special it will work.
You can check my essay about ''the most important activity which teel something about you" . In the opening paragraph I did not directly mention my favorite activity. I talked about my experience with that acitvity and then explained why.

I think the most important line from the experience about your hero will act as a good opening sentence.
Again thankyou for your comment. I will work on my essay.
Best of luck.
Don't worry. Your essay after few days will become very special.
hasnaahmed   
Dec 2, 2008
Undergraduate / It is now 2013. How has the Macaulay Honors College changed you? (300/less) [2]

*I have to pretend that I am graduating from college.
In this essay i tried to explain my views. Is there anything I can change or need to edit.

ESSAY

That day I was again dreaming about building a house of my own. All those people around me were clapping until my dream was over. I dreamt about becoming an architect from my childhood. My lifetime ambition is becoming true. I am graduating from City College as an architect. I am excited, the same excitement I felt when I got the first report card in elementary school. I feel like a mountain climber who is almost at the peak of the mountain. I cannot wait to get my master's degree and get the first job as an architect. The biggest help is contributed by Macaulay Honors College.

Macaulay Honors College has given me the opportunity to consider myself as a determined person. I consider the scholarship and the opportunities I received from Macaulay as my pride. I have enjoyed all the essence of those beautiful places without even paying any money. A cultural passport, a laptop, internship all have made me feel like a person with high respect and pride. I never had to worry about paying in college or my low-income family background. I could reach my way but Macaulay has made my way easier.

The big change Macaulay has made in my life is the stereotyping of people about me. It has increased my self-esteem. Regardless of money there are a lot more achievements I have achieved from here. It is now 2013 and I am graduating from college. Macaulay has been my vehicle to this path. My journey in this vehicle has left a bigger image in my life. I can proudly say now "I know who I am and how I am".
hasnaahmed   
Dec 2, 2008
Undergraduate / Essay about life - Pose a question and answer it. [4]

*Is my question interesting?
Do i need to mention Leo Tolstoy in the essay?
How is the opening sentence and the closing sentence? I feel it's all over the place.------------
ESSAY

When is the most important time? Birth or death; present or future, I do not know what is correct. I used to wonder about the question that made me think about the worldly life and the spiritual life. Is there any specific correct answer for this question? Leo Tolstoy posed the question in "The Emperors Three Question". After reading the article, I wonder about the truth. My own experience has made me understand the most valuable time of a person's life. I feel my experiences have given me the answer to this question.

Life is like a building. The more a person uses his time successfully the better the building becomes. Every building needs a strong base to have a better construction. Like the base of a building, a successful life needs a successful base. The base building of life is present. Present is the most valuable and important time for everyone's life.

Kazi Nazrul Islam is a legendary poet, musician, revolutionary and philosopher of Bengali literature whom I consider as a lodestar. His life lesson has taught me how to cope with present to visualize a bright future. He was very poor. He could not finish high school but his great works are still alive. He did not have money but he did not give up. He continued to write poetry and song to influence people. The Bengali society had many violations and he spoke out against everything. He was a rebel who made all people rebel along with his works. He worked hard for present, which has given us a good society. All the great people throughout history have made the best use of their present and existing time. That contribution made their life valuable and immortal.

Life has a different meaning for each person. "Forget about the calendar or watch, use your time as much as you can, who knows how long you are living, make the best out of what you have now, and don't wonder about a miracle to happen in life". This is the moral lesson I have learned from the question. I do not want to waste any time in my life and always wonder about the most important time of life. I am the person to choose the most valuable moment of my life.

Coming in this world as a newborn is an important time, last moment of earthly life is an important time but the most important time is only present. Past is a waste and Future is a mystery, Present is the time to create a history. All the great philosophers of history have utilized their present to get immortal life. I do not want to wonder anymore about a mystery. Present is real and I want to follow the real path.
hasnaahmed   
Dec 2, 2008
Essays / I need help writing my admission essay, how to start it? Rutgers University [10]

Don't worry to much about what to write. You can make something general very special.
Like if you have the talent of playing guitar start by saying about the pleasent music of guitar and then describe your talent. Somerimes the topic is write beside you but you don't really see it. They don't want anything special from you. They want how you make your story special.

Best of luck.
hasnaahmed   
Dec 2, 2008
Undergraduate / The most important activity of your life that teels something about you. [2]

*I think there are many grammartical mistakes. The sentence sturctures are bad. I really need help in this essay. I also think my closing is not interesting.

I was very nervous. My hands were shaking and my heart beat faster. I was praying to God for the best. I did not want to get embarrassed in that big platform. I was the next person to go up on the stage to perform. It was the first show of my life. It was 2001, a show arranged for the students of my school, which was to be broadcasted on TV. After few minutes my turn came. All those stage lights were blinding my eyes, and those cameras in front of my face were like monster to me. I started singing neglecting all my fear. I fought my greatest fear that day in front of that big camera and all those people standing around me. Everyone clapped until I left the stage.

I was only six years old when I started my singing. I remember the excitement of my first singing class. Singing has made me passionate, determined and confident. I still remember one of my audience's comments, which has influenced my life. After finishing my performance, she told me "You have the God gifted power to make others happy through your singing. Try to use that power and you will get love in return". This is such an influencing line to make me more confident in my work. I get the most happiness when everyone admires me after my performance.

My most favorite activity besides school is singing. It is the reflection of my soul. I am very passionate about my singing. I have learned many lessons from it. Participation in many competitions has taught me the importance of will power and the way to stand out in the crowd. It's not only good talent needed for winning. A winner needs strong will and own satisfaction. I have obtained those powers, which have made me winner.

I have gone through many experiences while singing. It has influenced my personal life. Every time I sing, I feel the same excitement as a four-year-old kid feels at the first day

of school. I learn new things every time from it. Singing is a part of my life. I can make others happy which makes me cheerful as well. I want to continue my singing. I always consider singing as my teacher. Music has shaped me today as a matured person. I have learned passion, determination and confidence from it. I will make the use of all the lessons learned in each step of my life.
hasnaahmed   
Dec 2, 2008
Undergraduate / "Vacation in China" - NYU Supplemental Essays [9]

Hi,
I like your story. You can start saying something very interesting about China. Don't hit your biggest secret in the first line. You want your reader to find your essay interesting.

I think that way ot will work better.

Your essays are good but I think you can make it srtonger by your first and last sentence.
hasnaahmed   
Dec 2, 2008
Undergraduate / an enemy who was a positive influence on me.. application [6]

Hey,
I find your story interesting. But i think you can make a opening sentence using what she told to hurt you. That will act as a better hook to reader. Because your first sentence is more general.

And I think you can descirbe more about her positive influence in your life.
hasnaahmed   
Dec 2, 2008
Writing Feedback / Have there been any bumps in the road in your life. [3]

I would suggest you to start your first line by saying something unique about Siobban. Don't reveal your secret in the first line. Such as you can start by saying I still remember the greatest smile of Siobban when we played Double Dutch together. Then you can introduce her to your readers. Try to hook your first sentence in the eys of readers.
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