Undergraduate / 'Finance major' - International Student Essay - The Ohio State University [4]

"American universities will provide me with adequate opportunities to conduct studies research in the field of Finance"

"The global financial meltdown experienced by countries worldwide is a main interest of mine. "

Since you already said "global" I don't think "experienced by countries worldwide" is necessary.

"It is my dream to be able to, thoroughthrough the use of these facilities, provide solutions to recessions so that the world citizens do not have to suffer."

I thought recession is a part of the natural economic cycle.

"According to The Times Higher Education, universities in America such as the Ohio State University are ranked among the top universities in the world."

"It is thereforeTherefore, it is clear that, by attending an American university, I would be able to accumulate the knowledge I need to guide me to success."

"For years I had wanted to go to an American university as I have always strived for the best and I believed that this wasis the best for me."

"This would greatly contribute in fulfilling my life goals and aspirations as I would be able to help others and my household attain and uphold financial stability."

This sentence sounds awkward and wordy. I don't know how to fix it.

"I would also be able to, as my icon Jim Cramer does, trade on the stock market for a charity of my choice."

I think someone like Warren Buffett would be better (I believe you know who he is, since you do want to major in finance and invest in the stock market). After all he does plan to donate 85% (I believe) of this wealth to the Melinda and Gates foundation.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Question about grades (lower as senior) and admission [6]

It certainly would not help, because it is a downward trend. Did you get a C in any class or did you just get low B's in every class? A C definitely does not look good. I wouldn't worry so much because most (I'm tempted to say all) colleges takes the whole application into consideration. If you are taking the most rigorous curriculum possible at your school, that might shed some light.

Undergraduate / Common App and how to start the art supplement? [15]

The art supplement differs from school to school. You should check the school's website or call the admission office and ask.

If you have already applied using the school's application, then like zowzow said, you do not need to submit another application using the common app. Remember, if you use the school's application, you also need to use the school's teacher evaluation form, counselor's form, etc.

Undergraduate / USC SHORT ANSWER RESPONSE - "to study abroad" [7]

You did answer the prompt, but your answer is weak.

"After finally deciding that I was to study abroad, I had to choose a career or at least a major at some point."

Useless sentence. It neither adds anything to your answer nor does it addresses the prompt.

"My inclinations were towards engineering sciences, since I wasn't any good with literature or social studies."

Also a pretty useless sentence. This is saying "I want to be an engineer because I'm bad at everything else."

"Being a do-a-bit-of-everything individual as I grew up, Industrial Engineering caught my attention as people pointed out to me that it was like several engineering majors combined together."

"do-a-bit-of-everything" should be replaced with a shorter word that conveys the same idea (it's late I can't think of one). "As people pointed out to you?" Did you research it to make sure it's true? If it is, then you don't even need to put "as people pointed out to you" if even they did, because it's wordy. Make it concise.

"I was mostly impressed by the rational way of thinking and looking at everything all the engineers seemed to have, and I for one was eager to have that rational view as a positive trait.

It is a lot of words that doesn't add much to the answer. Math, physics, chemistry, biology, literature analysis, and even philosophy all have a rational way of thinking. So why engineering?

"In my first years, I plan to get an overall idea about engineering before deciding to specialize in a certain field, with the wide range of minors the university is offering. USC combines its strengths of liberal and professional learning in encouraging students to pursue their goals in diverse fields; an inspiring quality which I'm sure would guide me through college."

You just said you wanted to do industrial engineering. Your short answer is contradicting.
What is "liberal and professional learning"?

Sorry for being so critical!

Good luck.

Undergraduate / georgia tech essay (if delayed one year to go to school what would u do) [8]

I think you should write a totally different subject.

If I was an admission officer, my impression of the essay would be:
"Georgia Tech is a tech school (obviously). If you want to learn about the Korean culture so much, Georgia Tech is definitely not the school for you. Another school with emphasis on East Asian studies would be better suited for you."

I don't see your passion in the sciences, math, and engineering from this essay. Anyways, to the essay!

"Korea to learn much of its culture and history that it left behind for the world to admire at"

Uh...why Korea? China, Egypt, and Rome all have a very rich culture and history for the world to admire. Okay, you said "Also another reason I choose Korea to travel is to keep learning about my heritage that I know so little about", but the two ideas are separated. You should try combining the two sentences.

"Not only do I wish to try some delicious food that is exclusive to only Korea like Sanche, but to experience snow for the first time of my life in Korea."

What is the significance of experiencing snow for the first time in your life in Korea? What does this tell the admission officer about you?

"Life was hard for me when I was young, not understanding english and going to American school when at that time my tongue spoke only Korean. I was soon forced to quickly adopt and adapt to the white man culture in order to be accepted by my peers and to suceed in the society I live in, however I couldn't celebrate my "achievement" because of my guilt for not embracing the culture that my parents instilled in me. What I hope to gain, aside from knowledge, is to redeem myself from my selfish act and to embrace my national heritage. By visiting this beautiful nation, I hope to enlighten myself of my culture's history and learn its trademark that it left for the world to respect. I hope to improve my linguistic knowledge as I travel on the soil of Korea so I can better communicate and understand my people's heritage, and I hope to make myself a better person and become a worthy representative of Korea in the United States of America."

I feel this paragraph is a bit off topic.

I just believe this essay should be about pursuing your interest in the one year that you are out of school instead of having fun in Korea. After all, one year is a long time.

Also, I have noticed that you like to end sentences with a preposition, which is a no-no in English.

Good luck!

Essays / Question for UNC essay (word count) [26]

It really depends on the college. Why don't you post the short response and see what the essay forum community can do with it?

Undergraduate / 'mixing chemicals together' - Personal Statement UCAS [5]

"I would like to start my essay by expressing my desire to study in the United Kingdom. "
It has always been a dream and always will. I was inspired by my best friend who is from Nottingham that I find respectable and responsible. On the other hand I'm anxious to be introduced to an English society and a new culture."

So why do you want to study in the UK? Frankly, this paragraph is unless and choppy; the ideas doesn't connect. Also, "I would like to start my essay" is a bad way to start your essay. Why is studying in the UK your dream? How did your best friend inspired you to study in the UK?

Sorry for being critical, but your essay is composed of ideas that are loosely connected together. This is not an essay where you summarize your grades and your activities, but instead an essay that shows the admission officer your personality, ambitions, passion, and enthusiasm. What makes you stand out? What makes you special aside from your grade, extra curricular, and course load? Lastly and most importantly, answer the prompt: "Tell the universities and colleges why they should choose you. The personal statement is your opportunity to tell universities and colleges about your suitability for the course(s) that you hope to study. You need to demonstrate your enthusiasm and commitment, and above all, ensure that you stand out from the crowd.""

So, tell the college what you want to study. Why you want to study it. How you are different from the other applicants who are applying to the college.

I hope this will get you started. Good luck!

Undergraduate / Columbia Short answer (The Fu Foundation School) [3]

I thought Columbia's deadline was January 2nd.

Are you sure you study financial engineering at The Fu Foundation School of Engineering and Applied Science instead of Columbia's business school?

You didn't really answer the prompt. The prompt asks, why do you want to study engineering. Okay you are a good mathematician. Why not study math then?

Also you spelled the professor's name wrong, it's Emanuel Derman.

Lastly, your response seems a bit short.

Writing Feedback / Oedipus the Tragic Hero [6]

"Aristotle defines Oedipus as a tragic hero for his unfortunate sequence of events."

How can this be when Aristotle's definition of a tragic hero is: "such a person who neither is superior [to us] in virtue and justice, nor undergoes a change to misfortune because of vice and wickedness, but because of some error, and who is one of those people with a great reputation and good fortune."

Aristotle is essentially saying that a tragic hero is a person who is not perfect. The tragic hero is rich and famous; usually a noble. The tragic hero's downfall is not because of fate, but instead a misjudgment or an error in the tragic hero's character. - you obviously got that from reading the rest of your essay.

"Jocasta and Laius try to impede the prophecy by killing Oedipus, but in the end, fate was the ultimate victor."

Did they really tried to kill him? If so, then instead of trying to get rid of Oedipus by giving him to a servant or a shepherd (I forgot) they should have killed him on the spot. Elaborate a bit, how was fate the ultimate victor?

"His rage resulted in the death of Laius and his men."

I think you need to tell the reader how did his rage resulted in the death of Laius and his men and its significant.

"It is also because of characteristics that lead him to his downfall."

Sentence fragment.

You have some good ideas, but this essay is really hard to follow. Definitely needs some work on organization.

Good luck!

Research Papers / GLOBAL WARMING and natural disasters essay [10]

"Globe warming brings about various natural disasters. "

Is this sentence suppose to be a paragraph by itself? I suggest merging it with the introduction.

"Global warming increases the melting rate? of the polar ice caps, which brings about a rise in sea level."

"As the ice cap meltingmelts, there are fewer places for polar bear to live instead more water surrounding them "

"According to article Kyoto Accord "Kyoto Accord is an international treaty whereby countries agree to reduce the amount of greenhouse gases they emit if their neighbors do likewise."

Sentence fragment.

"I persuade that all countries do not just think their own country's benefit and refuse to sign the agreement,; all the politicians should think about save our earth for our offspring."

I don't think you mean "I persuade" here. "I hope" is probably what you want.

"Since we live on one planet, we share the same earth, we should help each other, and the First World should stretch out their friend hand to the Third World to avoid doing the same mistake to the earth."

What are the "First World" and the "Third World"?

Your conclusion is a bit off topic. Focus on the issues of global warming. More or less restate what you wrote in your body paragraphs in your conclusion.

And yes, don't cite wikipedia as a source. Everyone can edit it. On the other hand, it is very accurate.

Also, what is the prompt of the essay? I know it is on global warming, but can you tell us a bit more about the prompt?

Good luck.

Research Papers / GLOBAL WARMING and natural disasters essay [10]

@zowzow

I thought so. I believe the terms "first world" and "second world" is are rarely used, unless in the context of the cold war. Yes, the term "developing countries" or "developed countries" would be better.

Book Reports / Simple one page summary on The Westing Game [4]

"Westing game"

The name of a book should be capitalized and underlined.

"In Sam Westing's will, he states that the But the catch is that one person out of sixteen people is actually the true heir. "

He states what? What is "that"? "But" doesn't need to be capitalized.

"It is about a man who is murdered and leaves 200,000,000(200 million) dollars to a person. The man's name is Sam Westing. In Sam Westing's will, he states that the But the catch is that one person out of sixteen people is actually the true heir."

Very wordy and confusing. "The man's name is Sam Westing" should be combined with another sentence.

"The sixteen people are paired up into groups of two and each group is given a clue to the mystery. "

What mystery?

Frankly, you need to provide a bit more detail about the book. Make it concise and interesting. Also, your title says "one page summary"; this is nowhere near one page.

Good luck!

Book Reports / Amusing its readers - Grammar Check for Macbeth Essay [7]

"The author's primary purpose in writing "The Macbeth Murder Mystery" was to amuse his readers."

Shouldn't it be "is" instead of "was"?

I must disagree with your teacher. The definition of a cliche from wikipedia: "a saying, expression, or idea that has been overused to the point of losing its intended force or novelty" (This definition is quite accurate). Parallelism and consistency in style do not count as cliches. Also, adding an introductory phrase before a quote makes your essay flow smoother (unless you are opening your essay with a quote, but that is not a dropped quote).

Undergraduate / We have only one space left in UB's freshman class, tell us why you deserve for this place? Buffalo [16]

I would focus on how your community have shaped you, what you have learned, and how you would transfer or use these skills to make an impact at the university.

Instead of narrating a series of events, pick out a few of your most meaningful activities. I would pick activities where I have shown leadership or/and activities where I have contributed a lot. Then show, not tell, the activities and how they have influenced you. I would integrate the community aspect of the question with the activities. You can talk about how everyone was motivated in the club or how your teacher is always helping you (these are just examples, I would not use them if they are not true) and talk about how it has influenced you, which will cover "what you have learned". Then just talk about "how you will use those experiences to contribute to UB's campus community".

Good luck!

Undergraduate / An important issue ("She is always") [11]

"I studied day and night, studied harder than a bee to attain my aim, because my teachers and my parents set all their hope on me."

I never heard of the expression "studied harder than a bee."

"I and the class president"

I think usually you would say "The class president and I."

"I felt as if they were diamonds"

Odd expression.

"As I have stated, my classmates are diamonds."

Repetitive.

"They're extremely excellent."

I don't think "extremely" is needed here. Also, excellent in what?

"In the first school year, I was shocked because ofby their intelligent minds."

Intelligence might convey the same meaning as intelligent minds.

"I was sometimes buried in a pool of depression, and even wallowed in Internet, blogging, chatting for a short time to forget the bad reality."

There is nothing wrong with blogging or chatting online. Also you need parallel structures here. For instances, it should be "wallowing, blogging, chatting" or "wallowed, blogged, chatted."

"After giving myself a slap on the face, I came back to my desk, continued in studying day and night. Staying up late till midnight, waking up at 4 or 5 am gradually became my habit."

Just a comment on the style. "I slapped myself" is much more concise and powerful than "After giving myself a slap on the face." Of course you would need to change some other part of the sentence if you are going to adopt my recommendation.

"I spent all my savings on preference books, spent most of my time in school library so that the librarian remembered my full name and my class among 2 thousands students"

Preference book?

"Step by step, little by little, I regained my confidence. Although my academic result was not good, I am pleased that I have not ever given up."

Using both "Step by step" and "little by little" is repetitive.

You need a lot of work on parallelism on this essay.

There is too much telling and explaining in this essay. Try to show instead of tell.

Good luck!