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Posts by katev
Joined: Nov 1, 2012		 Last Post: Jan 24, 2013
Threads: 18
Posts: 120  
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From: United States of America

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katev   
Jan 14, 2013
Undergraduate / Networking / Pacific National Exhibition; Why U Toronto?/Extracurricular activities? [3]

Try to vary your sentences, don't begin with "I ___" so much. Sure, they ask you to write about yourself and they give you some basic questions to answer, but it gets a little boring to read "I do this. I learned this. I hope to do this."

encourages me to initiate investigates to not only appreciate the exterior of the objects, as well as understand how it is able to function the way it does

encourages me to not only appreciate the exterior of the objects, but also to understand how it functions

After having to familiarized myself with engineering, I realized

After familiarizing myself with engineering, I realized...

As I reach the senior level of science in highschool, I began tutoring

While taking the senior level of science at my highschool, I also tutored...

Just a few suggestions
katev   
Jan 14, 2013
Undergraduate / "I found my calling in the silence"- an admission essay I'm using for a few colleges [2]

There was no pulse--there was no breathing; amid the silence of my patient's body, there was chaos all round.

This is odd punctuation.

in the midst of a clutter of hands working for a single purpose, I found my home.

I really like this

When I walked into my first EMT class I quickly

EMT class, I quickly...

patients' life sagas

saga is an interesting choice, I'm not sure it has quite the right connotation

listening to my patients' life sagas when they want to be transported to the furthest hospital possible on a Sunday night and an ambulance bench that I spent countless nights sleeping on voyaging back to the station

This is a confusing sentence. It doesn't have parallel structure. I'm not sure which two ideas you are "between"

Despite the opinions of most who could not even fathom working under the stress and time constrains we are often put under, I think quite the opposite.

I might reword this. You think the opposite of what? You can fathom working under stress?

I aim to never fail at my profession.

I like what you are trying to imply from the quote. I think it could be powerful (because you mean to say that you aim to never stop seeking knowledge and experience), however the message gets a little lost. When you read "I hope to never fail at my profession" it has a less-than good connotation to the reader. Maybe rephrase your last sentence

I really like what you are writing about. It is unique enough to catch the reader's eye and you talk about it passionately enough to keep them reading.
katev   
Jan 14, 2013
Undergraduate / College of Arts and Science/accessibility; Unique qualities of EMORY U [4]

I pursue being a student at Emory because of the College of Arts and Science

I wish to attend Emory's _(good adj)____ College of Arts and Sciences.

are a primary reason I hope to be admitted

are the primary reason I hope to attend Emory

I'm not a fan of this, to be quite honest. It feels a little insincere to say you want to go to a University because you have used their research materials.

You give reasons that were applicable in high school, not so much college. Maybe add some more personal aspects
katev   
Jan 14, 2013
Undergraduate / WORK ETHIC; COMMONAPP -WORK EXPERIENCE [5]

There are no blatant grammar errors. You formulate sentences well. However, my one critique would be to make what you say unique. Not to sound mean, but I know a lot of people who can say "working taught me to have a good work ethic, etc..." What can you say that no one else can? What will catch the AdCom's attention?
katev   
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / The Poet's Inspiration; St. Olaf / Interim Course Design [6]

What better way to appreciate the words of William Wordsworth, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, and Robert Southey than to be in the same setting as when they wrote them?

This is oddly phrased. I'm not sure I could attempt to correct it without changing the meaning, but try reading it shortened to see if it seems odd: "What better way to appreciate the words of Wordsworth and Coleridge than to be in the same setting as when they wrote them?" Is it just me?

For this particular Interim course, students at St. Olaf would have the opportunity to travel to the renowned and breathtaking Lake District of England while studying the works of the "Lake Poets" along with the history of the three most distinguished poets among them .

Again, the phrasing is confusing. They have the chance to travel to the district while studying. Also, mixing "the works" of the poets with the poets themselves gets confusing.

This class would of course be for those who enjoy poetry, as it would be the central focus of the course.

This is a little unnecessary, as it's a poetry course

the three's poems

not sure you've established that you are focusing on the 3 poets. You mention them initially, but I forgot those names by the time you start referring to "the poets" and "the three"

as well as some of their most famous

you need a subject, but also this is a little unnecessary

From what I have ascertained...I gathered

don't need both

You definitely have created a great course, but you speak about it with a certain rigidity that makes it a little impersonal. Sure, this would be a great opportunity, but why would you create it and why would you enjoy it?

Thanks for reading mine!
katev   
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / Great education,beautiful campus; What Columbia & why? [3]

regardless my major,
all this in one day is very exciting to me

regardless of my major, is very exciting to me

Reed is in the heart of a global power
city called Portland which gives many chances for the person to success,and I will
try to take every chance for success Portland city gives to me seriously .

Additionally, Reed is in the heart of (the global power?) city of Portland, which gives its inhabitants many chances for success.

Aside from your bit about Portland, I could change the college name and it would still be acceptable. Many colleges offer flexible courseloads and many also offer diversity and a "unique" community. Why Reed? I think it would greatly improve your essay to name specific things about Reed that appeal to you.
katev   
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / "I won't give up on us even if the skies get rough" ; SMITH College - Theme song [5]

Jason Mras'

Jason Mraz

I won't give up would be the best song depicting me.

"I Won't Give Up" best describe me. (I would suggest saying something a little more meaningful other than that the song "depicts" you)

There is no way that someone can never fail in life, however, it is your strength that makes a turn.

Failure in life is inevitable. However, it is one's strength to not give up that ______

In the past I have challenged myself into doing things nobody ever thought I could accomplish, it has always been the thought of wanting to try again and try harder that made me finish those seemingly impossible goals.

I agree that you should at least mention one trial/tribulation you faced if that's the main subject of your essay. "I always challenge myself, like the time when ____. Even when I initially fail to succeed, it is my perseverance that helps me reach my seemingly impossible goals.

The line "I'm tough enough" is always what I say to myself when I start to doubt my own abilities.

Upon facing doubt, I can turn to the lyric "I am tough enough" to keep myself going/to motivate myself.

I am maybe not born a genius but I am always completing the 99% to become one.

Where does this 99% come from?
katev   
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / Sweden/Holland, The South, Nowhere ;300 wrds, "Where are you from?" Kenyon [8]

Where are you from? (Please answer this in any way you'd like-geographically, culturally, artistically, politically, etc.) Focus on brevity and clarity of content; 300 words I am at 251 words

Do you think I'm answering the prompt in a descent manner? Is it too far off?

I can count all of my closest relatives on both hands. There is no signature cultural piece lying around our house. When someone looks at me, they cannot easily say, "Oh, certainly you're from 'this country.'" In fact, making my grandmother's Swedish meatballs is about as close as my family gets to our mixed heritage.

However, it is my obscure cultural background that makes me curious. The ambiguity of "where I am from" has led me to try to deeply investigate my history. I never fail to ask my grandmother all about her Swedish background. I'll pester my father about family crests that I'll find lying around and our Dutch roots. My persistent curiosity has even led me to Ancestry.com to answer the plaguing question of "where am I from?" I have since collected century's worth of cultural history that has given me a plethora of answers to this question. I come from Sweden and Holland, France and England, Memphis and "The South." I have come to realize that I may never be able to define exactly where I am from. I will never have "cultural looks." I will never have an ethnic heirloom. I will never have an extensive family that reaches across the globe. However, in trying to discover where I'm from, I _________

Learning about my heritage has _________. So while it may be hard for me to say exactly where I am from, I hope to say for the next four years that my home is Gambier, Ohio.

(I know that I want/need something in these blanks, I'm just not sure of what to put quite yet. I want to try to stick to the prompt of "where are you from," so I need to try not to stray from that too much)

I will look at your essays! I promise!
katev   
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / Gardens/ Molecular Biology/ Fresh& Tranquility/ Ancient Architecture; Why Rhodes? [3]

The view as I might one day sit in one of the gardens at Rhodes, I can imagine, will be mesmerizing.

Does this sentence still make sense? I think your tenses are a little funny

I agree with Jenny's corrections.
I am from Memphis so I know all about the beauty which you are describing! However, I'm not sure its as convincing of an answer as you could provide. You talk about your requirements (the academics, the ratio) and then you say how the most important reason you are applying to Rhodes is its architecture and environment. I understand that it's tranquil and beautiful, I love the campus too. However, it's not a very compelling reason. You write well, I would just try to highlight what exactly the environment will do for you other than to provide you with something to stare at.

Thanks for reading mine! I'm going to be revising it quite a lot. I'll take a second look at yours if you feel you need it
katev   
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / Peace lover / changing perceptions- About myself, perspective & what I hope to learn [4]

Like the bird Dove, I support peace against violence. I do not know why but I like the letter "z". The "Ya"

I would present the reasons in order of their appearance in your nickname

I wish to let them know who Zhreyadove is apart from the bizarre name

I wish to show them who Zhreyadove is behind the bizarre name. Or I wish to show them "the owner of." These aren't the best suggestions, but I do feel that you should replace "apart from" with something else, like "behind"

I am applying to Colgate as well. This is a very unique essay, good luck!
katev   
Jan 15, 2013
Graduate / My enthusiasm towards electrical gadgets; Essay for Phd in Telecommunication [3]

I agree with admission2012 in that you do not really discuss what you intend to do; ie what your "purpose" is

equations".

punctuation always goes inside quotations. "equations."

achieving perfection ... anything amazing in my vicinity

I'm not a fan of the connotation of these phrases

'Electromagnetic Theory',

You need to move all of these commas. 'Electromagnetic Theory,'

4G wireless cell-phone

cell-phones
katev   
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / Sweden/Holland, The South, Nowhere ;300 wrds, "Where are you from?" Kenyon [8]

Do you think it's bad that I talk too much about how I don't know exactly where I'm from? I mean, obviously I do know where I originate, but the prompt says you can interpret "where you're from" in whatever way. I was aiming to make the point of saying "I don't have a blatant culture. I tried to find my culture because of this. I found my culture, but I realized I am from so many places. While I can technically name locations, where I am from is dependent on other things. (After this fact I get a little lost in what I am trying to say. I know I can take my essay on a couple of different routes, but I'm not sure what would be best for Kenyon's app. Some guidance for the end would be beyond helpful) "

However, in trying to discover where I'm from, I _________

in trying to discover where exactly I am from, I have realized that I come from many different cultures. I never grew up with these cultures guiding my life, but (the essence) of discovering them has guided my current outlook more than I ever imagined possible. In searching for one location to name as my "homeland," I have found that it takes so much more than that to define where we are from. I don't want to let my location define me. I could say I am from Sweden, but I am not blond-haired and blue-eyed. I could say I am from "the South," but I lack a heavy accent (maybe other reasons). I feel that none of the locations I have discovered entirely define me. Rather, it is the culmination of these different locations into one person that makes me, me. I come from my beliefs. I come from my thoughts. (etc. I could go on here, but I'm not sure it's the right direction, what do y'all think?)
katev   
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / Strong Recommendation/ Engish; My Ohio 6 Tour; Why Kenyon? [3]

I am 68 words over and I still need to make it a little more personal. These are all of the reasons that I want to include, but I'm not sure it flows too well. What do you think?

Why are you interested in Kenyon?
Is this too superficial an answer? Should I speak purely about academics?

When my parents came home from a student-teacher conference with my sophomore English teacher/advisor, I never expected to hear about Kenyon College. However, after receiving such a strong recommendation from someone who had come to know me so well and who was my favorite teacher, I officially began research of Kenyon. After the Ohio Six College Tour, I found that what I learned online was only strengthened/brought to life by my visit. Even in the scorching August heat, Kenyon was everything that I expected and more, aside from the beautiful fall foliage.

I had always assumed that my English teach recommended Kenyon to be because of its English department. While I love English, I have never been sure that I would want to necessarily major in it. However, in the information session I learned about how Kenyon incorporates the use of strong writing into every class. One student even told us how he wrote essays in his calculus class.

Another student I met left an even stronger opinion of Kenyon in my mind. Not only were Kenyon's facilities fantastic, but the students' love for all of Kenyon was equally impressive. After taking us all over campus, my tour guide offered to take time out of his day to show me all the KAC. My tour guide clearly loved Kenyon, and the extra hour he took out of his day to show me the campus exemplified that. My guide showed me an incredibly small campus, one block long, in fact. I want a place where I can truly reach out to my peers. Stuck up on a hill, there is nothing to distract you from learning about and from each other. Upon the dorm tour, I learned that students are so trusting that they don't even lock their doors.

It was this close community that I am so glad I got to experience first hand. Even the professors know you personally because of the small class sizes. The fact that these professors are some of the smartest, most engaged ones around is even better. Each teacher is truly interested in his or her class. At Kenyon, you can get a great education without having it forced down your throat.
katev   
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / My industrious nature; UColorado @ Boulder - DIVERSE COMMUNITY [4]

I will bring my industrious nature to the University of Colorado Boulder. I enjoy working with others, and I believe I can contribute in the departments of physics and mathematics.

I wouldn't begin with this. It starts off too abruptly.

Math is competitive; only a few people take up mathematics because it takes an immense amount of reading and application to an ancient discipline.

You don't elaborate on this, I think you should

I'm not the brightest math student, but it's something I love doing. With my determination and my own dreams, I can become that brilliant mathematician I see in my head.

I don't find this to be the most convincing way to phrase this.

academic standards I set

academic standards I set for myself

I think this essay could use some work. You don't really go anywhere with your argument. You keep repeating "I love math. I'm not really great at math, but I love it." You need to clearly make an argument for why you love math, science, and aerospace engineering. From the reasoning you have provided, I can't see why you chose aerospace engineering. I'm also not quite sure you completely answer the prompt. I don't totally understand what they're asking, but if part of it includes "how do you think you could enrich our diverse and inclusive community," then I think you should address that at some point.

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