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Posts by sidney007
Joined: Nov 5, 2012
Last Post: Jan 21, 2013
Threads: 4
Posts: 10  
From: India

Displayed posts: 14
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sidney007   
Jan 21, 2013
Undergraduate / Traveling around China inspires me ; Wisconsin-Madison Why Engineering? [4]

Hi!!

I think you have concentrated just too much on how you felt you should become an engineer.Read the prompt carefully.It says write why you want to apply to the university.So do your research...find out the good and appealing things about the university and then correlate them to your likings.

YES,you can include a small para on how u felt you shud become an engineer...but plz stick to the prompt...it is very specific.

Then address the further part in which you have to write how as a student you would use the resources at the university.

I suggest start afresh...don't patch up in the same essay...you'll waste your time doing that.

Good Luck!
sidney007   
Jan 20, 2013
Undergraduate / Achieving an advance level in the field/ Broader knowledge;MEANING of "WELL EDUCATED" [16]

Hi Kitsumi,

In my opinion you have done pretty much justice to the defining part....You could write more about what being "well educated" means to you(since you still have haven't exhausted the word limit).

That will give the AO a better idea of your viewpoint.

If you can cut a bit on the "well" part and include some specific examples, it will be great.

Otherwise well done!!
sidney007   
Jan 19, 2013
Undergraduate / Newspaper& Internet/Engineering, Community project, Sports - How& Why NJIT? [7]

How did you learn about NJIT and why are you applying for admission?

I come from a country where communities get together and share their culture during various festivals and at various occasions. India is known for its culture and diversity. As an Indian student I understand the worth of living in a culturally diverse and rich environment.

New Jersey is widely known for the high population of Indians living in the city. I have read in newspapers and on the internet about various cultural festivals and traditions being celebrated at New Jersey. My curiosity "How must Indian festivals be celebrated in a foreign country?" has arose ever since.

I aspire to become an engineer, New Jersey Institute of Technology happens to be the best university for engineering in the city. I was encouraged to apply by a friend of my mother's who currently resides in New Jersey and has acquaintances studying at the university. It would seem like ------------- but NJIT fits exactly into what I want from my university.

The massive 45 acre campus size and the large student body provides with plenty of opportunities for socializing and get-togethers. It is not only the numbers but also the diversity of students NJIT accepts that provide an ideal atmosphere for somebody like me who loves new experiences. Understanding the traditions of people from different countries around the world adds to the excitement.

Interaction with other students is catered through the various community service projects and various honor societies and clubs. It would broaden my viewpoint about certain things and enhance my thinking abilities since I would have the exposure to others' ideas during the course of such projects.

Studying the sciences at high school I sometimes feel confused about the choice of my major. I feel the need for more exposure before being able to decide which stream of engineering I want to take up. NJIT's undeclared programme seems to comes to the rescue. It allows me the freedom of getting a taste of every type of stream and then narrowing down my options.

As an engineering student I would also need to have access to different resources at the time of my study. In addition I would have to work in well-equipped labs and classrooms. NJIT's fully wired huge residence halls and the Campus Center would not fall short of meeting my expectations at any case.

The various sports facilities : a gym that seats 1500!, a six lane pool and an indoor running track are just the thing for a fitness freak like me. I am not really a sportsperson but am keen on taking up atleast one sport at university to remain involved and active

After graduating from university I want to be completely prepared to face the rigours of working in a company. Besides the skills acquired at university I also want to be ready to apply them at work. This I can only get through a prior work experience, and NJIT provides exactly this! The co-op assignments such as project management ,product designing, production scheduling would gear me up. Moreover working and studying simultaneously would only help me understand my studies better. An internship or a co-op would also increase my chances of recruitment in the same company, so I don't even have to worry about recruitment.

Finally, it is my belief that the heart of university education lies in the synergetic relationship between the university and the student. I hope to be able to contribute to the university in some way or the other and look forward to studying at NJIT.

Please critique...help needed on the conclusion and the opening para! Harsh criticisms welcome
sidney007   
Jan 11, 2013
Grammar, Usage / ANDY, my classmate who was born in South Korea! [2]

Hi!!

Andy is my classmate at KCC . He was born in South Korean
He has short hair and wearsing eyeglasses frame . He has moved to California in since 2007 and was living there for 6 years with his family . Now he has moved here almost 3 weeks because he studing at KCC English class . it has been almost three weeks he has moved here in Manoa. He is studying English at a KCC class.

He lives in Monoa . He has to catch the a bus come to school, he is usually late due to but usually he has come late is traffic. He has a girl friend but who she lives in Korean . He is interested in soccer and baseball . His favorite color is blue . He plays soccer with his friends on the weekends .( He want work to snooker plays but he has still waiting somebody quit )(I am sorry I didn't understand this part so I wont be able to correct you) . He can go to goes to work .
sidney007   
Nov 29, 2012
Undergraduate / UT Essay; person important to you - My father gave up his dream [3]

Hi!!

I think you should include more details on how your father has influenced you.

Delete the first two lines....make the start a little more revealing rather than direct.Start with your second para(Making decisions are a big part of our life, the decisions that we....).

My opinion is you should use language which is a little more formal(shipping industry, it's made up of shipping companies)
Infact delete the rest of the sentence after the comma...it does not add anything to the essay.

As I mentioned earlier dont just make the concluding para tlk about the influence....bring it out throughout the essay.

Tip:Keep revising your essay again and again....you will always be able to cut out on some extra part and add something better.

Overall the whole idea and everything is actually good.

Good Luck!!
sidney007   
Nov 25, 2012
Undergraduate / Texas C- MINNGGLING!! [2]

Topic:Write about anything that describes you(anything in general)

"WE ARE SHIFTING!!" the whole idea struck me hard in the face. How could I leave my school, my friends and go to a foreign country? Would I be able to make friends there? Will anybody want to be my friend? A whole gamut of questions arose in my mind...

When we moved to London, my parents enrolled me in an Indian school. Yes, on the face it was an Indian school but since all others had their families living in London for nearly three decades, they treated me as a "foreigner" from India. They would make fun of me; laugh at my typical "Indian" accent; ridicule me and do everything possible to alienate me. Perhaps this was my first encounter with what is described as "ragging". In fact, I had to battle many preconceived notions they had about an "Indian".

I was determined; somehow this whole "alienate the Indian" thing had to stop. It took me time to actually start adjusting and get used to their ways. I not only had to overcome all those pre-conceived notions about myself but also had to prove it to them that mingling in a new group was not so difficult however hard they made it for me. I began gradually, by leaning on some more friendlier members of my class and also some teachers, who knew the struggle a new student has to go through. I also drew upon much needed inner strength from my parents, who all along supported me in coping with this delicate phase.

In my second year in London, another girl from India joined the school. That she would have to face the same obstacles as I did was inevitable. Considering it my duty, I decided to go all out to help her. I made her appreciate nuances of local accent and hybrid culture, which blended Indian tradition and western modernity with ease. I became a kind of bridge between her and local students. She indeed was able to blend in much easily than me.

Eight years down the line when I look back, I know that I have learnt quite a lot from this not-so-good experience.

People like to be welcomed when they enter a new place; it's a human tendency. As an individual, one should always contribute in creating a hospitable atmosphere for newcomers, which helps her/him integrate smoothly in a new setting.

In a way this experience also prepared me as a person to blend in a multicultural environment, a skill, so important in an era of globalization. Irrespective of where I am and whichever setting I am part of, it will be my proactive and natural inclination to make newcomers feel comfortable and enjoy "soft landing".

*****
sidney007   
Nov 25, 2012
Undergraduate / Write about any issue of importance to you - Texas essay-B..........NIMBY!! [2]

Topic:Write about any issue of importance to you.

Urgent review needed!!

NIMBY!
Beep! Beep! Stuck in a traffic jam, I was fed up of hearing continuous honking of cars. Tension of reaching on time for my Olympiad exam was so palpable on my face that even my cab driver could not resist asking me, "Why are you so tense?"

I was passing through Pedar Road, one of the most affluent areas in the city of Mumbai (previously known as Bombay). Yes, this is a city, which is known for many contrasts it embraces with ease. It is a city which boasts of many posh and high-rise buildings and at the same time is also known for Asia's largest slum, Dharavi. It is a city, which has prominent Indians, who figure in Forbes' global list of wealthiest persons and at the same time the city has many people, who struggle to get even two meals a day.

The city's infrastructure is woefully short of its growing needs. The situation is aggravated by continuous influx of migrants from all over the country, with a hope to make it big in life. With its coastal location, the city does not have large geographic area to grow and consequently faces high population density, congested housing areas, inadequate transport infrastructure, growing problems of water supply and sanitation. The city presents a typical problem of a growing Indian city, which is struggling to expand urban infrastructure. Developing infrastructure, especially in a growing urban location, is akin to changing wheels of a car while it is in motion. The challenges are many and the biggest one is the NIMBY i.e. "Not-in-my-backyard" syndrome.

The traffic jams on Pedar Road, have only worsened over the years. A vast majority of office-going population travels to offices in south Mumbai through this road. They suffer every day; waste gasoline (petrol); add to emissions and experience long delays. Yet the strong opposition from local population to the planned flyover over the Pedar Road, has never faded. While the city administration had developed a number of flyovers, a vast majority of these are in downtown areas mostly populated by city's middle class. This infrastructure development has been welcomed and used by one and all, whether rich or poor. But development of flyover on Pedar Road has only remained on paper, gathering dust in city's development plans. NIMBY attitude of Pedar Road citizens had come in for a sharp criticism from city's masses. They would question : Do you not use flyovers in our areas? Why should you oppose a flyover in your area? Just because it affects your view? Just because you are rich and influential?...As these thoughts were going through my mind, I felt the solution to this problem was not as difficult as it appeared...

...As growing children in our own housing complex, we had successfully handled NIMBY in our way. Perhaps that was my first encounter with NIMBY. When a proposal, to develop a tennis court with an enclosure, was mooted, many members, living in the vicinity of the proposed structure, opposed it. They feared that players will make noise; create lot of nuisance and enclosure to the court would obstruct their view. Initially I and my friends were saddened to hear this but we did not give up. We worked together; convinced many children belonging to families of those who opposed the tennis court; undertook a door to door campaign; and requested the architect to modify layout to minimize obstruction to the view. Finally, when the proposal was put to vote in the Annual General Body meeting of the society, it sailed through smoothly with a vast majority supporting it.

I could connect dots and felt that the solution to NIMBY problem in creating urban infrastructure could be developed on similar lines. What we needed was technology; transparency and governance.

Advancement of technology has continuously reduced costs and has made infrastructure more affordable. Telecom sector is a classic example of this. Cellular phones used to be a luxury around 15 years back and were affordable to a select few. Today, with continuous progress in technology, cellular telephony services have become extremely cheaper and cell phones are being used by even household maids! If construction technology continues to make strides, underground tunnels could become far cheaper to develop and NIMBY problem faced by city flyover projects could be avoided by planning for underground tunnels.

Transparency - is at the heart of establishing credibility. You require innovative and relentless efforts in building positive opinion about the project. You need to be upfront about the project; undertake public consultation at an early stage and work on shaping right perception about the project. Such efforts could even include debates in citizens' forum to help build broader consensus. This is an inescapable step in a project development, especially in a democratic society like India.

Governance - decision-making in respect of such projects, which have a potential of transforming city's infrastructure, ought to be broad-based. It must involve not only local administration but also involve elected representatives drawn from citizens of the city. The implementation agency should be held accountable to the people at large and must periodically share progress of the project; costs being incurred and benefits being generated for millions of citizens.

As I was deeply engrossed in thinking about a solution to developing city's infrastructure while dealing with NIMBY challenges, my cab driver almost woke me up and told me, "We have reached the exam venue". I got off hurriedly and rushed to the exam hall, beaming with confidence and with a smile on my face.

*****
sidney007   
Nov 16, 2012
Undergraduate / Business and Economics / Football Match - Lehigh 2 Supplements [3]

Hi!!

I love your first essay.It is very well written.Tells the admission officer that you are well informed about the college and the university,that you take keen interest in keeping track of what is going on...In short AMAZING!!

Now coming to your second essay:
I like the start(the concept)...the idea is not very clear though(I think so)
(There is a football match in which the player just a bit hesitates then loses the ball to the opponents. They score a decisive goal and the player's team loses an entire season afterwards)

U could say:
During a football match a player...(makes a mistake)....(loses the ball to the opponent)...they lose the match(dont include the season part.)
The body is strong....you mentioned time management....nicee
Just some grammatical errors:
- (Besides, I would also request every student to propose )
- (and long term plans and would tell them to arrange them in order ...)

You completely lost track of the tense in the end....you have started with the "past" (If I founded ) and then you just shifted to "future" .

It would be good if you make these corrections and repost your essay.

Good job anyways
sidney007   
Nov 14, 2012
Undergraduate / 'boys versus girls' - Texas A- Person who has made an impact on your life [3]

It was as though we were meant to be best friends forever.Yes "FRIENDS FOREVER" was what was written on that doll's T-shirt,the farewell gift she gave me before I went to London with my family.Hardly did I know that she'd turn out to be so jealous of me when I returned.It hurt,I felt betrayed that so close a friend could hate me so much.That day I built a wall,the strongest wall ever,around me and resolved that I'd never have intimate friendships with anybody.

When I was in the ninth grade,I came across a girl,Mitali,haughty like;she just seemed to proud of herself.I later learnt that she always got the first rank in the whole foyer.

Once we were having a quiz competition in class,it was boys versus girls and Mitali was representing the girls.The somewhat petty quiz turned out to be qite a fierce one.It was a tie till the last point but when Mitali wrongly answered the last question, the boys' team won tears fall.She was crying and to my utter disbelief so was I, as I later realized.

I talked to her the next day,she had joined the same coaching classes for the tenth grade.From then onwards we started sitting together in school and in coaching classes.Mitali, unlike me was very calm and composed.Her witty nature made talks more interesting.I had been wrong in my judgement about her.

Our talks on the phone and in class became regular,I didn't realise I was breaking the wall;or it was probably her breaking the wall.Over the year our friendship grew stronger,we hung out like good friends did, gossiped about our crushes and did everything that best friends usually do.

After tenth grade got over,Mitali's father got a job transfer.I knew I would miss her badly,she left a month after our tenth grade board exams got over.As a farewell gift I bought her another soft toy with "FRIENDS FOREVER"written on it.We still keep in touch and I silently thank her for breaking that wall.

(I am not so sure about the ending.Do I need to put in another para in which I actually write the"INFLUENCE" or is it understood?)hELP!!
sidney007   
Nov 12, 2012
Undergraduate / 'the stigma of being gay' - B for UT is a little TOO personal? [11]

You can write about a rally or a protest or something big like that ,that you probably participated in.You can also write about how you might have helped or intend to help others from the LGBT community.

Because you have mentioned the importance of this issue to you in the concluding paragraph you can write all these things in the second last para or just make a new one.
sidney007   
Nov 12, 2012
Undergraduate / 'the stigma of being gay' - B for UT is a little TOO personal? [11]

Hi!!
I think you can cut down a little on how Homophobia affected you.It would be better if you wrote a little more about how it has affected your country.It would get you rid of the "little TOO personal" thing.

Otherwise the essay is great.
sidney007   
Nov 12, 2012
Undergraduate / 'my first pair of glasses' - Common app essay: Topic of your choice [4]

Hi!!
Your essay is great!! I appreciate the structure.You have conveyed your message very well.Try making the language a little more simpler.Some sentences just sound a little too flowery,such as

I want to breathe this feeling, to soak in it through investigation after investigation. .

It would be great if in the last para you write about how in some way or the other your understanding( knowledge that you will gain during your course) will benefit the university.

Remember!! In the university it is a give-take relationship so the admission officers are always looking for what you would be giving the university in return.
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