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Posts by bigchau
Joined: Nov 30, 2012
Last Post: Jan 1, 2013
Threads: 5
Posts: 16  
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From: Hong Kong

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bigchau   
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / "Step Up 3D" / "Human Behavior" / "Harry Potter" - NYU Supplements [16]

two hours to go and you post this? gg

last sentence redundant and generic, nyu doesn't need more asskissing than it has gotten. Besides that, I dont see many problems, but please spell check your sht.

For some reason im not convinced that you know much about the gallatin school. feels like you're just naming them for the heck of it.

good luck
bigchau   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / Further my education in the sciences; NYU SUPPLEMENT/Academic Plans [6]

wow im doing the prehealth program as well. maybe you should mention specific programs, like how i mentioned the " robert/ellen salant prehealth program". or any extracurricular programs would do no harm as well.

your "intrigue essay" has a unique topic about architecture. maybe you should discuss how you came into contact with venetian architecture instead of putting fact after fact. the "culture" component is a little generic and something bound to appear on most essays. expand on that, venetian culture is not just about its architecture, so generalizing it that way might be self destructive.
bigchau   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / The Diary of Anais Nin; H,Y,P Supplement [11]

rew
what is your prompt?
also, i dont see any afterthoughts on your story. its narrated well and retold captivatingly, but does your prompt ask for lessons you've learned?

PLEASE HELP ME WITH MY NYU/COLUMBIA PROMPT
bigchau   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / I love to devote myself to the adventure... Columbia College Why School Essay [7]

Agree with saubau, excessive name inclusion would be unwise. try to be less whimsical with your statements "enjoy ideas beyond space and time?" reading that i see a concept but not a concrete statement of what you're really into. otherwise, appropriate inclusion of columbia's extracurriculars. one advice i always give is to be practical and not the ass-kissing type, im sure the admissions office have learned to selectively blockade the brochure-esque personal statements that sing columbia praises. other wise, you're on the right track.

PLEASE HELP ME WITH MY NYU/COLUMBIA PROMPT
bigchau   
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / The book, "The Hot Zone"; NYU & COLUMBIA; What intrigues/ significance to you? [10]

Please tell us what you found meaningful about one of the above mentioned books, publications or cultural events. (columbia)

what intrigues you? i chose a book (NYU)

During the summer of this year, I had the fortune of encountering "The Hot Zone" by Richard Preston. The novel itself cannot be accredited for its storytelling nuances nor its creative content, for it tells of true accounts, historical tales made possible in light of human existence. The uprising of filoviruses, namely the Marburg Virus and the Ebola Virus, was the centerpiece of discussion, and their respective outbreaks around the globe were dramatized.

Amidst reading the Hot Zone, a sobering, sermon-esque quote from Carl Sagan's Pale Blue Dot, a coinage derivative of a telescopic photograph taken of the Earth from 6 billion kilometers away, came fleetingly into memory.

"Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity - in all this vastness - there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves."

It is axiomatic that the human race is as dispensable to the entirety of the cosmos as an iota of a mote of dust is to our perceptions; from a meager 6 billion kilometers away, we are already projected as nothingness. So fragile and futile is the foundation of our species' survival that entities smaller than the naked eye can see have managed to challenge our biological dominion on this "fraction of a dot". From as far back as the middle ages to contemporary times, Nature has reincarnated as the Black death, as smallpox, as the Spanish Flu, as the Avian flu, as AIDS, as Ebola, as a means to an end. It is suspect if we could withstand any more impending waves of evolving viruses and multidrug resistant superbugs that inundate us, acting as intrinsic mechanisms of order and correctness. The ultimate reality is that our very own existence is relevant solely to ourselves.

Despite this, we still pertain an inherent drive of self destruction, be it through warfare, hubris, or other iniquities of our humanity, all of this is made possible through our failure to acknowledge our frivolity in the cosmos and our growing vulnerability to the forces of the world that will soon outcompete us. The history of man is and will be no more than a faint and ersatz sparkle across the vacuums of space, and yet every second of that sparkle has been marred by conflict, by conquest, "to become momentary masters of this fraction of a dot."

The Hot Zone was but another reminder among countless others of our poignant transience on this Pale Blue Dot, our remnants and our imprints bound to be forgotten next to every supernova, every galactic collision and every dying black hole. As I finished the last pages of book, a humble moment of lucidity dawned on me, shattering every notion of self-importance I've ever conceived of myself. However little time we have as individuals, or as a species, to exist, and however insubstantial the event of our existence is, it is our breadth to coexist that matters. After all, we are creatures of sentience, relevant and indispensable only to our own kind. The fundamental insignificance of us lies in our inability to become a singularity in a volatile world that requires us to be. Speaking as a fellow earthling, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us. Whatever the circumstances that stifle us, remember that we will have to seek comfort and refuge within each other, even if in futility and desolation.

PLEASE HELP ME I FEEL LIKE I TOTALLY CONFUSED MYSELF OVER.. AND I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO END MY ESSAY. THANKS FOR ALL INPUT
bigchau   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Want to become a Social Worker; HKU/ PERSONAL STATEMENT [5]

you did not talk about many of the things in the prompt (the chosen curricula, past working experience, career aspirations and other achievements.). I think you vaguely mentioned some of them, but its not very clear. The essay itself is fine, but I would say try to focus on the prompt and for this particular one, dont try to be so oblivious. I'm doing HKU too, please help me!
bigchau   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Facile choice for me ; UNIVERSITY OF HONG KONG PERSONAL STATEMENT [2]

Please provide information which you feel will be of interest to the Admissions Tutors and will help them know you better, e.g. your reasons for applying to HKU, the chosen curricula, extra-curricular activities, participation in voluntary work, past working experience, career aspirations and other achievements.

^(please review my essay. I tried to answer every thing the prompt asked for, but its 1500 words long. There are no apparent word limit. I think its way toooo long. please help me out here. Thanks.)

(Why HKU? this is the toughest part; not finished yet)
The University of Hong Kong has always been a facile choice for me as an individual. In multifaceted ways, it is the optimal destination for a student such as myself. For one, it is located in the heartland of Asia, my long time home, Hong Kong, a city I have dwelled in since my childhood days. It is ideally situated, close to cyber port, a locale where I frequent in. Compared to my counterparts at Hong Kong international, many of whom were born in the states or have immigrated here not long ago, the American culture and lifestyle is segregating and alienating to me. Only but a few cities in the American subcontinent has the flair and metropolitan definition found here, all of which falls outmatched to what I regard as a peerless city with immeasurable qualities. Having been nurtured in the basins of an international education, it is empirical that Hong Kong far outperforms the United States in terms of opportunities and truly international provisions that caters to me. HKU microcosmically provides all that, as those qualities become increasingly necessary as deemed in a cross-cultural world. Many acquaintances of mine, previously having studied at Hong Kong international and now at HKU, cite HKU as a place where I can continue my infatuated style of education and learning. I have also visited the campus a few times, once entering the university museum with the art gallery for a school project. My impression of the campus was that it was hybridized between a modern and a more retrospective style, one that reflects my own upbringing having crossed in between local and international institutions of education.

(ECs)
I was never one to forcefully involve myself in numerous extracurricular activities, unlike the hordes of students out there who attempt to appeal zealously. My goal has always been to indulge myself in the right amount of activity, and from middle school onwards I have participated in a plethora of events. Playing international chess is one that began from a feeble age, starting from a simple casual game with my uncle. The workings of chess appear to be theoretically oriented and mechanical, as it appeared to me at least, and I perhaps perceived the game in a wayward manner that allowed my uncle to defeat me perfunctorily. It was only a few games later that the concept of Occam's razor, where at times the simplest solution is the correct solution, liberated me from my hardheaded philosophy, and allowed me to play with more options on the chessboard. I have led the Chess Club at school since last year, participating in scholastic tournaments with rival schools and I relish the chance to intellectually stimulate myself because with every game comes different scenarios that requires disparate decisions which duly projects the workings of life itself.

Another activity I have been involved with writing articles for a school published bilingual magazine called Chuan Long, or 傳龍. My specialty, in my four years contributing to the magazine, has been of Differing Views, the name of the specific section I write for. The titular definition of Differing views condones me to selecting hotly debated issues, such as the conundrum with plastic surgery, or issues such as technology versus literature, a wider and broader topic. Such an interest stems from the coupling of my interest in writing itself as well as current events. Outside of school, I play two instruments, the piano and the viola, a less renowned cousin of the violin in the strings family. I used to play the viola for my school orchestra from grades 9 to 10, and in the 8th grade, I won the Hong Kong Youth Music Interflows silver cup alongside my orchestra members playing the piece "The Barber of Seville". As for the piano, I started when I was around 8, having then bought our piano, and have participated in several examinations. I apply my piano skills to helping my church community, of which I play every other week as the accompanying music to one of the hymns sung. I am more of a scholarly archetype of student rather than athletic, but I do play Badminton and have been in the school team for the past 3 years, a sport that has kept me in touch with one of my nation's heritages as well as balancing the dosage of work and entertainment, as I find playing badminton to release stress despite what it physically demands.

(voluntary efforts)
During my junior year, I participated in voluntary efforts to teach English to local students at the HoTung Secondary School. We congregated every Saturday, each week expanding upon an agenda comprising of grammar, sentence structure, vocabulary, and many more applications of the language, simultaneously attempting to convey the versatile nature of English. There were many inherent hindrances and language barriers that stood in between our teaching efforts, and as perspectives differ, many of us initially were frustrated at the local student' inability to comprehend what is rudimentary knowledge to us. The process of learning was not only the local students' to have, but it was also reciprocated when we had to take exemplary strides to adapting to their necessities and shortages. While I can be proud to say that we have considerably augmented the English aptitude of the local students, it is not too farfetched an observation to say that as a group, we have come to embrace the virtues of

Now, in the present year, I continued where I left off last year and am participating in voluntary efforts at the Chesire Nursing Home. The Chesire Home is part of a larger foundation of public hospitals in Hong Kong, but it is a permanent residence for many elderly and senior citizens providing needed medical attention as well as a stable abode. At the home, I have been able to witness the nuances between the elderly there to my own grandparents at home, who are fortunately healthy. Many residents there suffer from congenital conditions, such as Down syndrome or cerebral palsy, and some of them are disabled with malformed limbs or in need of wheelchair for locomotion. It goes without saying that we were once again required to learn and adapt in a relatively alien environment, one that is underprivileged and of malaise. So far, we have learned to operate wheelchairs and we have spent qualitative time with the residents, interacting with them and encouraging social activity. Just 2 weeks ago, when the Christmas festivity began, we sung Christmas carols to the residents, a genuine highlight of my experience at the home. Beyond that, we were trained and taught hospital protocol and the proper disinfection etiquette, to ensure the health of both the residents and us.

(career aspirations/choice of curricula)

What I aspire to be is a member of the larger scientific community. Growing up in an era of scientific proliferation has done nothing less than spur my inherent curiosity and fixated my beliefs that the atoms of the future are the members of the scientific field. Both my parents work as members of the medical field, with my father being a specialist physician and my mother a nurse. On my father's side of the family, the tradition of medicine has passed down several generations, with my grandfather and my great grandfather both plying in the medical business before my father. Given this, medicine has a certain affluence within my household, and although it is not absolute or definite, I have come to discern it as an important cog of my life. My exposure to the medical world has come naturally, and I am accustomed to regularly visiting hospitals or my parents' clinic. A few years back, my father was still working in a private hospital, and on many nights he was deputized to stay overtime and over the course of the entire night to monitor patients. Even as an established physician, my father has had to consistently participate in novel medical conventions to bring himself up-to-date with paradigm shifts and new advances in the field necessary for a novueau doctor. Alongside my father, I also gradually learned many things I would not have otherwise at school, and also heard of experiences with patients in the hospital or the clinic and their respective conditions. Not only has medicine specifically struck me as a grueling business, it has become apparent to me that it is preeminently substantial to a society. The power that is vested in my parents to remedy the sick has always fascinated me, and I revere them as much as the ailing sick that come to them for aid. At HKU, I have chosen for my curricula, 3 scientifically related majors; medicine, biomedical science, and science. Growing up in a medically relevant family and an international city which readily allows me to access information and exposes me to technology has warranted me to pursue and pinpoint studying science as my goal. Although my primary endeavor is to emulate the mission of my parents as well as to contribute to a global society, my fundamental drive is to impact the world around me with the means of science.
bigchau   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Boston offers all important features to me; Boston University / Why BU? [11]

look, i said this before and i will say this again, your essay is quite generic. I know there isn't much you can write about, but you praise BU a lot and it sounds like a brochure for the school. Instead of the superficial praises, stick to focusing on its practicalities. I dunno if any of that made sense because im really tired so you should hesitate at taking my opinion
bigchau   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / My dream school/Pediatrician/Library Assistant/Med school; Syracuse Sup [2]

Hey Im doing syracuse as well! I only have a few days left to start the supplements... yours have given me a good idea of how. Your essays are pretty standard and well written. It seems generic to me. Give it some voice. I've got a question for you though, I dont have any work experience, so what would I write for that second question? Good luck
bigchau   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Cormac McCarthy /The Sunset Limited; Columbia supp/Books [3]

Please tell us what you found meaningful about one of the above mentioned books, publications or cultural events.

^(I wrote a school essay on two books I read before (sunset limited and no country for old men by cormac mccarthy). Will this essay answer the above question? PLEASE HELP MEE! OFC it still needs editing, but in general, does it work? Thanks for any feedback.)

How does one seek placidity anymore in this modernized society that has eclipsed any aspirations by presenting itself to be a defected failure? The antique yet essential considerations of goodness and genuineness has began its disintegration long enough for society's constituents to become omnipresent and insufferable eyewitnesses to the decline of culture, art, morality, and even purpose. The concept of development is inane to the civilization at hand. As a keen observer, Cormac McCarthy has explored thematically such philosophical aspects of this contemporary period within his myriads of literary works. To an extent, his bemoaning of the aspect of life is if anything, exaggerated; he remains an intrinsic man of inherent pessimism, not to mention a relative dimension of nihilism that showcases itself in his 2005 novel No Country For Old Men that takes an entity already transcribed in his opinion for what he sees as even a dystopian world. Derivative of identical ideas of human flaw and decline; Sunset, along with No Country, is centered on the characterization of vanity and hopelessness, coupled with an opposing force that symbolizes a distinct polar opposite.

"They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. I don't know what them eyes was the windows to and I guess I'd as soon not know. But there is another view of the world out there and other eyes to see it and that's where this is goin. It has done brought me to a place in my life I would not of thought I'd come to. Somewhere out there is a true and living prophet of destruction and I don't want to confront him." (No Country, 2) The proverbial wise old man Ed Tom Bell, which in some ways, perhaps symbolizes McCarthy himself, a witness to the "prophet of destruction", can only lament his inability to culminate the dissoluteness in which he sees. No Country For Old Men is a rendition of contemporary America, focusing on the arrival of drugs and unprecedented breeds of gangsters washing down on the country just decades ago. As a sheriff, Bell has been testament to the scene of crime in the country ever since he started. It would be more obvious to him than anyone else that indeed these new factions of crime are evolved, with new ways of dealing and killing that more than insinuates what is to come. "Forty years later. Well, here comes the answers back. Rape, arson, murder. Drugs. Suicide. So I think about that. Because a lot of the time ever when I say anything about how the world is goin to hell in a hand basket people will just sort of smile and tell me I'm getting old." (No Country, 196) The titular reference of No Country for Old men is literal in the sense that old men such as Bell himself, identifying the decrepit new ideologies and new criminals in the country, are disregarded by the younger generation, whom have not seen 40 years ago and thus is accustomed to a newer brutal convention in which they believe to be acceptable.

In a way, the adversities of this world's society and ethics are part of its motor, a pathway into the future, whether in good name or bad. Bell belongs to the country of old and of simpler times as the country has left him in its wake pondering and questioning along with others who seem unable to follow. The story is not one without bloodshed; ordinary and mundane looking Chigurh is the characterization of the neoclassic evil that has derailed modernity itself, one that Bell has symbolically unable to ever encounter. In each of the encounters, and murders, Bell always appears at the unhinged aftermath, never to be able to see the conspirators and the event itself. Bell is the epitome of morality and conscience as he is one who tries to resolve the conflict in which he is unknowingly powerless to. "Carla Jean, he said. Oh god, she said." He stood there, his hat in his hand. I'm sorry, he said. She raised her head and looked at him. Her crumpled face. Damn you, she said. You stand there and tell me you're sorry? My husband is dead. Do you understand that? You say you're sorry one more time and by God if I won't get my gun and shoot you." (No Country For Old Men, 247) Bell's vain apology in failing to protect Moss is majorly indicative once of his almost non-existent prowess in the affair, his inability to serve justice, despite being the true protagonist, the hero if you will. McCarthy realistically portrays contemporary society menially, as a dead end product no longer subject to civility or a moral compass; any mention of such moral codes is hypocritical and ultimately becomes inscrutably unsubstantial. The manner in which he designs his novels is not subject to clichĂŠd endings but to the world around him, a world in which the protagonist is nothing but a entity devoid of any meaning. The theme of the absolute disregard for any existence of humanity within society is the essence of McCarthy's philosophy, established in the utterance of Bell's demise.

Following in The Sunset Limited, the story spans over a entrenching conversation with the character Black representing a quanta of faith and religion whilst the character White a depression ridden pessimist who believes death is the exit to a life that entangles nothing but pain. Once again, McCarthy has seemingly placed his eloquence within a character, this time in White, a character that oozes a set of nihilistic principles that qualifies as exuberant. "If people saw the world for what it truly is. Saw their lives for what they truly are. Without dreams or illusions. I don't believe they could offer the first reason why they should not elect to die as soon as possible." (136, The Sunset Limited) As opposed to Black's dictum, White has collaborated in what is another classic showdown of faith vs reason. As the contemporary world has oft resorted to logic and science as deputies of explanation, it is not surprising that White trumps Black in the end. Befittingly so, White exerts a nonchalant and superior status quo within this encounter; Black often comes to "Stay for more coffee" to persuade White to stay and to live, Black is also often dumbfounded by the intellect as shown from White's responses to Black's interrogatory approach. A Sunset Limited does not portray imagery of much kind, but rather with impulsive dialogue that more directly radiates McCarthy's polarizing views. "The darker picture is always the correct one. When you read the history of the world you are reading a saga of bloodshed and greed and folly the import of which is impossible to ignore. And yet we imagine that the future will somehow be different. I've no idea why we are even still here, but in all probability we will not be here much longer." ( A Sunset Limited, 112) In this context, history is the correct, factual picture, but also a dark one of "bloodshed" and "greed". The credence is that human nature is irrevocable, an unchangeable malice that have in turn decomposed society, bringing into account an existential viewpoint of redundant moral codes that in the end reap no products as the irony rests within the very men that create such codes. With that said, aspirations for a less maligned future, one that does not trek down a similar path as our history did, is irrational. One then, upon realizing the curse that is living, would come to "one thing above all else and that one thing is futility." (A Sunset Limited, 136). Coming to the cornerstone of McCarthy's beliefs, death would then be a resolution, an aspect now greeted with graciousness and fearlessness, an end to a dwindling path of interminable pain, referring to the course of humanity itself. "Open the door." ( A Sunset Limited, 141) White ultimately wins a debilitating debate and wins the right to die. It is a defeat that is made clear for Black, as he is "on the floor" and "crying". Circumspectly reviewing Black's symbolism, the climax of the encounter is one of pathos and ethos, as the audience is almost self-instrumented in expressing partiality for a man who was once so resilient, and now, pitiful. Despite Black's overall greater appeal as a character of positivity and optimism, it is to McCarthy's manipulation to once again show the mechanics of contemporary society; one governed by human nature and its tendencies to head down a path of self destruction, not irrationally though.

Relating back to Mexican-American landscape of No Country for old men, Bell's realization of such a concept, that efforts to reform a defunct society is melancholic to say to least, sees him give up. "I've had two dreams about him after he died. -The second one it was like we was both back in older times and I was on horseback goin through the mountains. Never said nothing. He just rode on past and he had this blanket wrapped around him and he had his head down and when he rode past I seen he was carryin fire in a horn the way people used to do and I could see the horn from the light inside of it. About the color of the moon. And in the dream I knew that he was goin on ahead and that he was fixin to make a fire somewhere out there in all that dark and all that cold and I knew that whenever I got there he would be there. And then I woke up." (309, No Country For Old Men) Ed Tom Bell's retirement is enough to signify his inability to act as a patron of justice, a sheriff, to protect his townsfolk. His dream here can be arbitrarily interpreted, but in a sense, his dream is his acceptance of his role. His father, dead and buried, "would be there whenever I got there". Bell visualizes death, sugarcoated with the prospect of meeting his father, of course, McCarthy relinquishes the purpose of the moral characterization of the book, in accordance to a new social spectrum containing people such as Anton himself, rendering it unpredictable and intangible. The path in which White and Bell heads down is veneration to what is illustrated by McCarthy to be the natural order of society, one that thrives on the core of existential nihilism.

Somewhere in 2011, an interviewer managed to invite the hermetic man for a very rare and on record discussion. "As far as being - as far as painting the world as grim, I don't know. If you look at classical literature, the core of literature is the idea of tragedy, and that's - you know, you don't really learn much from the good things that happen to you. But tragedy is at the core of human experience, and it's what we have to deal with. That's what makes life difficult, and that's what we know about. It's what we want to know how to deal with. It's unavoidable. There's nothing you can do to forestall it. So how do you deal with it?" (Connecting Science with Art) Presupposing McCarthy's endearing pessimism, it is not unsubstantiated to mention of his status as a World War II veteran. The quintessential nature of war easily erodes away sentience, and in effect sculpts a product such as McCarthy, one that embraces and juxtaposes tragedy as commonplace. How McCarthy perceives tragedy to be "unavoidable" establishes him as perhaps one of most peripheral of us, but simultaneously, one of the most clear-sighted.

Despite McCarthy's die hard principles and beliefs, his blatancy could be said to be as merely a reciprocation of the world in which we take residence. Alas, the living of life is marred by the meaninglessness of doing so that has burgeoned. Through his anarchic and courageous story telling that defies any recognizable formula, he recalls and reiterates a unique telling of a grim reality that the world cannot escape from.
bigchau   
Nov 30, 2012
Undergraduate / UC APP: PROMPT 1 Describe the world you come from; "The Pearl of the East" [2]

please give me your thoughts on this. thanks a lot!

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I used to like calling my world "The Pearl of the East" as it so dutifully represents Hong Kong's glamour and incandescence, but now calling it that is to be parochially minded to a generally broader worldview, as it has become an international mosaic in the last decade. Beneath this island of cosmopolitan emphasis exist humbler and more pragmatic entities, ones like that of my family, which has managed to maintain a relatively simplistic lifestyle. My family is what has grounded me in my own principles and a sense of correctness. While it can best be described as a hybrid of the traditional Chinese family and archetypical modern family that typifies the city, it only attempts to conform at the latter in light of peer pressure from the gradual crumbling of familial conservatism as well as germinating liberalism in the household, something evident with many of my friends, whom are all extremely extroverted to say the least, and unrestrained by family values to party or to initiate their night lives in bars or pubs. I, however, have been taught off the old dictum "work hard, play hard" and often lectured about finding friends who would have a "good influence." Initially, my teenage angst rebelled me against my parents for their virtual imprisonment of my social life, but when several people I knew and hung out with at school were caught and expelled for drug use, I started to see the ramifications of a reckless life that eventually undid the lives of my friends, and even an appreciation for my parent's obligation of me. Moreover, as members of the medical and ultimately scientific community, both my parents have spurred a craving for science as a whole in both my brother and myself. One day, upon coming home, the first thing my father did was to hold me and shake me, exclaiming at the discovery of the Higgs Boson at CERN at the doorstep. My parents has never strove to forcing this interest onto me, but when they discuss medicine and new advances in the living room on a Sunday night, casual as ever, I irrevocably eavesdrop and as little steps goes, I have since made big strides confirming my aspirations to become scientifically involved with the rest of the world. My status as an international student has also provided me with both impetus and vision to impact the world, and I have come to believe that science is very much the atom of the future in a city as technologically dependent as mine. Truly, the best have come from both worlds to define me as an individual and one with that has the power and responsibility to relevantly impact the world.
bigchau   
Nov 30, 2012
Undergraduate / UC essay "fitting in" - 'I was lost in the crowd' [5]

this is a decent essay. i like how you have tried to make it oblivious, but your essay puts too much emphasis on the story itself without the part the colleges looking for, how it changed you.. just an opinion. good luck
bigchau   
Nov 30, 2012
Undergraduate / UC APP - personal; 'breaststroke swimmer' [5]

thanks a lot Dumi. unfortunately this is too long.. is there any parts you think i could remove from the essay that is unnecessary?
bigchau   
Nov 30, 2012
Undergraduate / UC APP - personal; 'breaststroke swimmer' [5]

this is super late, i know, but please see if its a good personal statement! I have at least a good 4 more hours for this. Thanks!!

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

A shrill whistle screamed somewhere, and every part of my body leaped simultaneously and unanimously into the pulsing body of water below me. I had made the jump late, perhaps a second or less, and I was already behind my fellow competitors. This was, of course, unexpected; it was both the least positive scenario and the least probable scenario. Being one of the more robust breaststroke swimmers on the team, I depended on my prowess with the stroke to win the race. Whilst my mind was racing with fruitless thought, my legs were the first to be hit with pragmatic adrenaline, scurrying and kicking into the sinisterly chlorinated waters with a familiar ferocity. In little time, I had recovered the lost distance and soon glided past the struggling masses beside me who were inefficiently and hysterically throwing their arms into the water, revoking every bit of elegance that the breaststroke embodied. As I neared the finishing wall, I turned my head to my right during one of my breaths. There was no discernible movement in any of the lanes to the right. I plunged my head back into the water and as I surfaced again, I turned to the left and once again saw a placid stillness on the waters to the left lanes. At this point, I was about a breaststroke away from the wall, and it is equivocal whether naivety, or utter stupidity, or burgeoned hubris enforced my decision, but as I completed the final stroke, I touched the wall with a single hand. By the time I had pulled myself out of the pool, the others had only just finished. The rapturous applause from the bleachers was a voluptuous symphony to my plugged ears, performed for the blatant champion who overcame his vices and emerged victorious. Alongside this sound, I saw a golden hue transcending into my thoughts. What I did not know beforehand, was that in an official and regulated race, breaststrokers were to finish with two hands on the wall. I was dethroned immediately as the timekeeper's words tore through the applause. On certain occasions after this incident, I asked my father, who had filmed my race, for the footage, and on as many occasions, he would tell me that he had lost it "somewhere". It was not lost anywhere, but rather, incarcerated inside the echelons of my head, where the moment of my mistake replayed interminably with impunity. I thoroughly changed after that unforgettably painful day, and I often remind myself of what I gave away to one of the swimmers behind me. Since then, that race has perhaps become a personal sanctuary of sorts, one that I revisit sometimes when I forget the revelation of merits that have come from this experience. In ways previously unimaginable, the pool had forged in me a wiser and better individual, one that has learned to realize how nothing is absolute but rather, transient. The preconception of having something for granted is a conceited notion, and as clichéd ridden as this may be, I became more conscious of reality. In other words, I grew up. I also never wanted to taste remorse again, never to come so close to success and yet fail in the end. In relevance to this, I attempt to accomplish tasks with this mindset of humility and with more respect to the task itself. A microcosm of this can be seen when I'm taking tests, where I'm always the last to finish, knowing of my ability to overlook and underestimate. Some may call this paranoia, but perhaps it is only I that will know such an importance. On another note, whenever I swim breaststroke nowadays, I always remember to touch the wall with two hands.
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