Undergraduate / "School for Learners"; Stanford Supp - Intellectual Vitality [8]

Yaaay! Jack, you are the greatest!!

Undergraduate / Special needs student ; STANFORD - WHAT MATTERS TO YOU AND WHY? [16]

Wow. Other than "a special needs student to whom who I teach at Kumon" and explaining what Kumon is, this is fantastic. I have to admit I teared up a bit. You're just a really awesome person. Thank you for all your work <3

Undergraduate / Internship at G.Architect; Common APP Extracurricular activity [3]

I think I like what you're getting at, but you didn't actually elaborate on your extracurricular besides telling us it was banal office work. And then something about handshakes and speaking our mind, but it came pretty suddenly. If you wrote about how your work was rewarding (was it?) or something you learned from it (did you?), that could make a pretty good short answer.

On the other hand, I think you would benefit from writing about an extracurricular that you did like.

Undergraduate / I know we'll get along; Stanford - Roommate [7]

I agree with Tickle -- leave out faith or politics. Not only might this rub your roommate the wrong way, but it might do so for your admissions readers. Best not to ruffle their feathers.

I also think this essay should be completely about you, like the prompt says, and that if you've written it tactfully, you shouldn't have to add in the bit that says you'll be fine with however your roomie is. A lot of people write that, and I think the admissions folks are tired of hearing it. Plus, they really aren't going to assume that you're going to hate your roommate if they're a little different from you.

Actually, I think it would make a really interesting and unique essay if all you talked about was why you believe aliens are real. It would definitely catch your readers' attention!!

Also...
SANTA'S NOT REAL?? GASP!!

Undergraduate / "Opinions" What Matters to You and Why- Stanford Supp. [6]

I really like the first half. It's well written and creative. Overall, I like your ideas and what you're trying to say. On the other hand, I do think you need to step back, read this one more time, and rewrite it completely from scratch. I find that my essays are always better the second time I write them -- maybe it'll work for you too.

I edited the points I thought needed the most attention, but, again, I think you should go back, rewrite the second half, and post a new draft.

We are born with the ability to love, hate, desire, betray, and change our minds. I like this a lot. There is no reason to waste the talent our brains harness to assess situations and form cognitive appraisal or disapproval of them . Consider revising the striked bit of that sentence. I had to read it a couple times--it's pretty wordy. There is an infinite amount of knowledge to be shared when opinions are voiced. A single person's opinion can change the course of the future. The strength of voice is undeniable.I like what you're getting at, but the strength of voice, unfortunately, is denied in many places all over the world. Bummer. This has been seen in much of history and continues to be seen in our everyday life. Not every person on Earth is allowed to speak their opinion. I feel a hushed opinion is equivalent to denying a right so many others fought for.I feel like the first sentence is kind of stating something your readers already know and that the second is a good idea that just needs to be developed a little more. Show your reader why this is true--try using a real-world example and how that example makes you feel. Their (Whose, exactly?) opinion was that we deserved to feel as though we could create change where we saw fit.

Consequently, this entire essay is my opinion. My opinion matters to me, but so does everyone else's.Try to avoid commenting on your own essay within your essay. Also, of course your opinion matters to you. If your essay is about valuing opinions, this is obvious. It is so vital in our divided country to not only form strong opinions, but to voice them and stand with them. But, also, I think, to compromise. If we stand with our opinions and refuse to waver, we get stuck in this partisan mess we're in. Yuck. I don't deny the danger of opinions in both negative and positive situations. I believe, though, an opinion unspoken is equally as dangerous as a spoken opinion has the potential to be. Ultimately, the effect of an opinion isn't known until it's spoken. Still,F ear should never serve as a boundary for productive thought and influence. Voice, of one or of many, matters to me. Then again, that's just my opinion. I actually really like the final sentence. It's kind of a clever play on your point.

Best of luck!!

Also, if you'd mind, my "Confidence" essay needs a lil' help.

Undergraduate / INTERNET; NYU Supplement; What intrigues you? [4]

I really like your subject. I think it's really unique and that not a lot of people are going to choose the internet as their subject for this essay. You'll catch your readers' attention for sure. I also think this essay is very well written, and your ideas are really nicely developed. It is clear, concise, and convincing.

Also, the word "internet" is often considered a proper noun and should be capitalized.

Undergraduate / "School for Learners"; Stanford Supp - Intellectual Vitality [8]

Oops, totes thought I posted it with the essay. Here it is:

Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.

Undergraduate / My reality after my best friend committed suicide; Common App/ Significant Influence [18]

The main thing that I was confused about was when you said he committed suicide. The word "committed" implies that he was successful--I get the shock factor you're going for here, but it left me very perplexed when you said he committed suicide, then when you said he survived. I think "attempted" is the proper word here.

Also, I would give your best friend a first name, even if you don't use his real name. That way you won't have to refer to him as "he" the entire time.

Undergraduate / "Happiness is a choice"; Stanford Supp - Letter to Roommate [9]

Thanks for the input!! Are there any sentences that are confusing or that may need clarification?
I'll post an updated version in a few minutes after I get an edit in.

Essays / Division of America after the Election of Obama [6]

I think this essay needs to actually be about why the country is divided. Right now it is just filled with anti-liberal slurs. It's too opinionated -- a term paper should be factual and professional, but this is blatant and rude. You're ranting about why you don't like Obama, not about why the country is divided. It doesn't address the prompt.

You need to scratch this essay and reevaluate your content. I think your writing is technically sound and that you could do much better.

Undergraduate / The Alchemist ; NYU /What intrigues you? [13]

The only thing I don't like is the very last sentence. It seems completely out of place, like you wrote your essay and then just decided to tell them "Hey, guess what? I was senior class prez. I'm so impressive." I think your essay would be a lot stronger if you cut that sentence out and wrapped it up in a way that reflects the point you were making throughout the rest of the essay.

Undergraduate / "What they don't know won't hurt them"; Stanford Supp/ Intellectual Vitality [20]

I profoundly enjoyed this essay, and I think your admissions readers will too! I think all grammar points I could see were covered, so I'm just gonna give you props on a creative and fun essay. Honestly, I do think this is Harvard-worthy -- best of luck to you!

Undergraduate / I'm a dork! [Stanford roommate supplement] [7]

The buffalo joke made me smile. I love puns with, like, a passion. However, while I can see the point a couple other people made about your essay sounding like "a real person", it just felt really trivial to me. Now I know that you like mugs and otters and old nickels, but I don't actually know anything about you. I do agree with you that this is a growing trend and that it's not actually as unique as you think--we're all unique and we all have our quirks, but I think the admissions peeps at Stanford already know that. Just because it's a friendly letter to your roommate doesn't mean you can't tell them something meaningful.

Best of luck to you!!

Undergraduate / Spaghetti cooking instigated the exploration of the new; Stanford App [10]

So, what was your invention then? You still haven't told us!! You're leaving your reader not with a sense of mystery or wonder, but rather with deep frustration. If you don't want to "give away" your idea here, I would greatly advise you put it in for your Stanford readers.

Undergraduate / I have been persecuted all my life./ CommonApp - Confessions of a Carnivore [8]

I'm not sure about the content. Because you're in the majority of people, being a "carnivore" seems largely unimportant. And the "persecution" you speak of is not actually of a serious nature--actually, it's not even persecution--so I feel like you've sucked any real meaning out of the word. You've trivialized it.

Maybe if you skip the whole "persecution" bit, it would make a much better essay.

Undergraduate / Spaghetti cooking instigated the exploration of the new; Stanford App [10]

You never actually told us about what your device is. It leaves us wondering whether or not you actually came up with something.

By the way, you can totally prevent bubbling over by placing a wooden spoon over the top of the open pot.

Undergraduate / Optimism, curiosity and inquisitiveness.; STANFORD/ intellectual vitality [2]

Essay 1:

I'd like to think that even though I am a teenager, I have kept some of the most important things from my childhood: optimism, curiosity and inquisitiveness (inquisitiveness is so close to curiosity that this seems redundant) . Intellect can be defined as " capability of the mind" . So how can I, as a student, make my mind more capable of obtaining and manipulating knowledge to my advantage ? I believe that in having the relentless desire to be inquisitive, infallible knowledge can be obtained. Equipped with unyielding optimism, I believe through curiosity and inquisitiveness I have been able to not only possess intellectual vitality but have also been able to increase (I don't think "increase" is the right word. How about develop?) it on a daily basis. Indeed there are many times where I have been apprehensive to ask certain questions because I was afraid I might be heckled or cause a heated debate that would carry on even outside of the classroom. However, I always remember that curiosity didn't in fact kill the cat; it turned it into some of the greatest minds that have ever lived! I was always taught to never be afraid to expose my ignorance because " he who asks questions is a fool for five minutes, he who does not ask questions remains a fool forever"(You seem to contradict yourself here because you just discussed how you were afraid of asking some questions) . This Chinese proverb has been paramount to my intellectual development by challenging me to sacrifice pride for boundless knowledge. (Sacrifice is a little harsh. You shouldn't have to sacrifice pride for knowledge.)

It is simply fascinating that through childlike curiosity, humanswe have achieved incomprehensible feats such as walking on the moon, and discovering the human anatomy (Discovering the human anatomy is not so incomprehensible. I'm pretty sure ancient Egyptians figured out that we have organs) . It is scary to think of where we would be without the resilience of those who are not afraid to express their ardent curiosity. I can doubtlessly say that every day is a quest to answer the question I previously posed , striving to improve not only my intellectual development but also my personal development. (How?)

Curiosity jumps- starts personal brilliance! I have found that my curiosity has enabled me to improve the quality of my education experiences thus far. I feel that I have been able to learn more because I have the ultimate desire to know more.

There are definitely some grammar bits that need fixing, but I think it's really important that you read your sentences over and over and think about how your reader is going to perceive them. How you intended them to sound isn't necessarily how they're coming across. The admission peeps over at Stanford should have a clear view of your message, not just "get what you mean".

Essay 2:
I think it would be best to leave God out of your essay unless you're writing distinctly about how religion affected your life. Your readers might be atheists.

Undergraduate / "Ignorance is bliss"- I disagree; Stanford Sup/ What matters to you and why? [3]

I love your writing style and the way you've used the Jefferson quote. Not only did this essay give me a peek into who you are, but it also got me thinking about the importance of an informed public.

Now, little things:
- I think ending with "That is what really matters to me " is a little weak. Just because the it asks what matters to you doesn't mean you have to reiterate the prompt. I think it would be stronger to link the first sentence of your closing paragraph with the sentence beginning with "because", and then end it there.

- "You have to inform others about what you know": Do we really have to? Or is it best to? Because a lot of people would say that it's not their responsibility to teach others. I'd play around with the wording there and see what else you could come up with.

- "Are we informed? The answer is no. ": Something about this sentence pair rubs me the wrong way. I see the point you're trying to make, but it's really abrupt and harsh. Because, truth is, we (and the very educated admissions officers who will read your essay) are informed about a lot of things. Either you're going to need to be more specific, a little more gentle, or cut this phrasing out altogether. In fact, go ahead and cut it out. The second paragraph is more powerful without it.

Overall, great essay! Best of luck!!