Undergraduate / Religion, the watchful protector along the path; Harvard/ Topic of Choice [21]

After reading your essay, it didn't seem like you were just interpreting the same religion in a way different than you parents. It seemed as if you were taking on some sort of new religion. Knowing now that you simply possessed an alternative take on God, I can see the basis for your essay. It just wasn't immediately clear. Even with knowing that you have formulated a different perspective for seeing things, what am I supposed to take away from that? I know that things can be interpreted in different ways. While I think that open-topic essays should be unique, they should be unique in terms of idea rather than execution and content.

As far as my thoughts on religion:

I'm not really a religious person. I agree that each person should interpret things in the way they see fit. I don't really align with my parents religiously, but not in the same way as you. Religion isn't something I think about frequently - I just ignore it and embrace all the other aspects of life.

Undergraduate / Religion, the watchful protector along the path; Harvard/ Topic of Choice [21]

I just feel like there's no use believing in something that has no proof. The notion that such and such is going to happen if one doesn't believe in a certain religion isn't really valid. No matter who is right, a majority of the world is going to end up condemned because all religions seem to feel like the other religions are not correct.

Undergraduate / Religion, the watchful protector along the path; Harvard/ Topic of Choice [21]

Technically, you're right, but he has the writing skill to do such.

Undergraduate / 'The biggest small' - Passion/ Pressure/ COMMON APP; Issue of importance [21]

Your essay is getting better. There are a few grammatical issues we can correct, but I think you need to revise the content. You indicate in the first paragraph that you will be discussing education, job opportunities, and a more promising future, yet I don't see those three points in the paragraphs below. You need to focus on one main point in each paragraph rather than including a broad discussion of the issue.

I think you have solid ideas - you just need to structure the essay better.

After that's done, re-post the new draft and we can look for issues with grammar.

Undergraduate / I was an international volunteer @ Jamaican Spring Break;Common App, Extracurricular [10]

A girlfriend is not an extracurricular activity - focus more than 2 sentences on the volunteer work.

Writing Feedback / How most people in my country earn a living! [3]

I think you may want to detail just one or two of the biggest ways in which people in Sri Lanka make money. You provide 1 or 2 sentences about a lot of ways to make a living. I think the essay the college expects is one regarding the most common method. You should simply describe the most common method in lots of detail.

Just be more specific rather than broad and your essay will be fine.

Scholarship / Redefine perceptions; Case Western -Describe your solution [2]

I'm good at being harsh, but I don't need to. This essay is fairly solid. You begin the essay with an intriguing, solid attention getter. You also share background information on how you have already begun working towards achieving your goals. After that, you get into the future.

The only thing I'm unsure about is whether or not you are seeing the world "anew". I'm not sure what that term is supposed to mean. Your battery idea probably works - I'm just not sure in full at what Case Western is getting at.

Other than a few minor errors with commas, the essay is good. To find some of those comma errors, just look at each sentence and determine if it might be a little lengthy and contain too many clauses.

Also, when you use however, it is typically of this form.

He did this; however, I did this.

Semicolon and then comma.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Canadian idol; VT Common App -Best day of my life? [6]

Do you not have any moments in your life that were better than a Justin Bieber concert? I really don't like the idea selection. Usually essays like this deal with special moments within your family or amazing accomplishments that you've had.

I think you should come up with a new idea that shows something great that happened to you or someone close to you and explain why it was very special. Come up with an idea that is a little bit deeper than your love of Justin Bieber.

Undergraduate / Canadian idol; VT Common App -Best day of my life? [6]

As creatively written as the essay might be, the only way it will stand out is in a negative way. If I were an admissions officer, I would honestly throw the essay in the trash immediately. It's not bad writing - it's just a bad topic.

The topic choice is simply too much of a risk.

Undergraduate / Track and Field; Extracurricular Common App Portion. [6]

The content seems fine. Here are a few grammar issues to fix.





If you fix the grammatical errors I have outlined, I think the essay will be good enough. It's not really possible to critique you that much for ideas when it's just a general application essay about an extracurricular. You've discussed an extracurricular in as much detail as possible, so there's not really anything to criticize you on.

Fix the few minor errors and your essay should be in good shape!

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Divorce, the seven letter word; Sophie Davis - Major domestic problem [3]



Eliminate the comma after "matters".

I like how you describe divorce in a fairly in-depth way. I think you could do better at suggesting the solution to the issue, though. You don't really mention any specific plans for solving the issue of divorce other than having a society be supportive and caring. It would be best if you outlined a few potential solutions in more detail. The introduction of the issue as well as the solution should have about the same content.

Other than the few grammar and comma issues, the essay is solid. Consider discussing the solutions in more detail. It's still a minor issue, but it's one worth addressing.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Rummaging through Photos and falling sky; World I come from [2]

The first essay does a good job at detailing your background, but it does not discuss your dreams and aspirations enough. The essay is too much of a reflection rather than a brief recollection of the past and then a broad discussion of the future. You also had a few issues with run-on sentences. There were many sentences with just too many commas.

In the second essay, you again do a good job introducing the idea as a whole. However, you need to do a better job discussing why creativity makes you proud and how creativity relates to you as a person.

In both essays, you've answered just part of the prompt. Be sure to answer the question thoroughly. Remember, attack the prompt.

After you've revised the essays for content, we can take a closer look at some of the issues with grammar.

Undergraduate / Track and Field; Extracurricular Common App Portion. [6]

Look at the third correction I made in my first post. You forgot to include the apostrophe in "team's", and you also did not include the comma after meet.

Other than that, everything else looks fine.

Undergraduate / 'The biggest small' - Passion/ Pressure/ COMMON APP; Issue of importance [21]


From this sentence, it seems like you will discuss education, job opportunity, and a more promising future. I need to see more than three sentences about each. I like your conclusion paragraph for the most part.

Your content and structure is getting better, but it still needs some work. Try to follow a structure like this:

Introduction:
You can keep one similar to what you have now. I like the first sentence, but you need to improve upon your sentence that previews what the essay will discuss. I like the ideas of education and job opportunity, but a more promising future is just too vague. Try to find a better idea.

The ending sentence will look something like this:

Higher education quality, increased job opportunity, and [new idea] all give me the opportunity that I did not have in Mexico. (Regarding Mexico: You can spell it in the English way or the Spanish way - just make sure you're consistent throughout the essay.)

Paragraph 1: Education

I like how you are comparing education in Mexico and the United States. You could probably be a bit more specific and detailed about both.

Paragraph 2: Job Opportunity

I don't like how you just give statistics about the economy as a whole. Give a personal discussion about what the job-seeking process would look like in Mexico, and compare it to the process in the United States.

Paragraph 3: [New Idea] - It should be the best idea, too. The best always comes last.
Include a personal compare/contrast discussion. Make it specific to you.

Conclusion:

I am very thankful for the opportunity that the United States has been able to offer me. [Link together all three of the ideas, and discuss how they all help you increase opportunity.] [Give a discussion about how, without the opportunity that the United States provides, you would be unable to achieve your goals.] That is why opportunity is so important to me.

[End Conclusion]

Remember the essay prompt is an issue of importance to you. You need to make sure to tie in that concept at the introduction and the conclusion.

I don't think this revision should be as long as some of the others. You just need to make sure to include a bit more content and make the essay structure perfect. After that we can take a look at grammar. Unlike most people, you actually have quite a bit of time!

Good luck.

Undergraduate / 'The biggest small' - Passion/ Pressure/ COMMON APP; Issue of importance [21]

This is much better. I can edit for grammar tomorrow.

Undergraduate / PURSUIT OF MY NEW PASSION; REASONS -TRANSFER [6]

I don't say this often, but this essay is almost perfect. I've read plenty of essays on this forum, and your piece is probably in the top three.

Good job, and good luck with your transfer!

Undergraduate / Medicine/ volunteer/ Visual Art ; UW-MADISON - Academic/Extracurricular/ Research [5]

Regarding the UW-Madison essay:

You simply state that you enjoy all of this stuff and you will participate in opportunities that satisfy your interests. I personally would like to see some sort of plan that goes beyond interest. It would be best if you discussed some sort of goal you have within life and how UW-Madison is the best at helping you achieve that goal. University admissions officers like to see people that will use the University's services to do great things in the world, not just satisfy their own personal interests.

I think you can write well, but you need to shift your focus from interests and more towards goals.

Undergraduate / BAND/ NATIONAL HONOR SOCIETY; How I can contribute diversity [5]

Far too short. Lifting weights and having a variety of friends does not allow you to bring diversity to the university. What is unique to just you?

Undergraduate / Everything is about Choices- COMMON APP/ Hardships [10]

I remember your writing that i looked over several weeks ago and I have to say that this is far better than anything I ever saw in the past. If you make any changes to this essay and need further revision, I'll try to help you out and edit/revise.

Good luck! I hope you go far.

Undergraduate / BAD History - Explaining Academic Dismissal [10]

I like the essay. The only change I would suggest is perhaps you could give the background information on why you were dismissed prior to you bringing up how you found out about the dismissal. I think it'd be best to tell the story in chronological order.

Undergraduate / working with children; Florida State U/leadership, learning, service &global awareness [3]

I'd say the one thing you're missing would be a topic sentence that explains why you value service the most. You just jump right into a story.

Undergraduate / I spent more time lost and driving in circles than any person who had ever driven a car; Belief/Idea [8]

Your introductory story isn't very good and I have no idea what idea or belief you challenged. Doing research is great although that doesn't really qualify as you challenging an idea. They want to hear about a time where you disagreed with something and decided to take action.

Undergraduate / Visiting Duke; Common App - Trinity College of Arts & Sciences/ Duke a good match [2]

The prompt says you should respond if you're applying to the Trinity College of Arts and Sciences. I'm not aware of what that comprises, but you discuss medical school in your answer. Are you indeed applying to the college of Arts and Sciences? If you are, I think your answer should be more specific towards that college itself. Duke knows they have a top eight medical school and they know they have a college rivalry. I think they'd want to see why you value the program of arts and sciences and how you plan on using that program as a launch pad to whatever you plan on doing in your future.

I find the sports rivalry to be pretty trivial and the top eight school thing to be a boring fact. Duke wants to see why their arts and sciences program is best for you and what you're going to do with it after college. Anybody can say they like the sports teams and spout off facts about how awesome the college is.

Be more specific.

Graduate / KNOWLEDGE; Letter of Motivation - MS in Electrical Engineering [5]

You use way too many big words to express your interest in technology - words like "insatiable", "unrelenting", and "penchant". Also, no one cares that you like electrical engineering. Isn't that something that every student pursuing your degree would say? All of them would tout their qualifications too.

Basically, you've presented a cliche essay in which you use outlandish adjectives to bolster your credibility while simultaneously sucking up to the awesomeness of your university. You're not a bad writer - your topic is simply overused and sub-par.

I'd like to see you write an essay where you share why this degree is necessary for you to achieve some goal of changing the world through implementing some technology. Every student likes their major, has done internships, and feels that their university is the best. Very few students can say "I have this plan and your masters program is what I need to get there".

This essay is about motivation, so if I was admitting you to the program I'd like to see why you want to get the degree. I could care less if you'd enjoy it or not - I want to see what you plan on doing with it. What you plan on doing with it should be your motivation, not your interest in the topic. Colleges want to have graduates that do great things in the world. You won't present yourself as special by sounding smart and listing all of your experience. You'll be special when you deviate from the status quo and present your career goals, your motivation for those goals, and why the master's program is something you need to get where you want/need to go.

I have no doubt that you'll be accepted into this program, even if you do submit this essay. It's better than most I've seen but you could still make it extraordinary.

Graduate / Finally Seeing Myself as a Grown-Up (Temple University) [4]

You don't talk at all about your personal accomplishments and your only professional accomplishment is landing a job. Having a job really isn't anything special. If you're going to talk about your professional accomplishments, show how they've made individual people, your community, or the world a better place. If you're just using that job as a way of bolstering your personal life, show how you've had an amazing personal life because of your career that you obtained thanks to your experiences in college.

Graduate / My father had a clogged artery & heart surgery; Why Physical Therapy Grad School? [2]

This is probably good enough to get you admitted but one thing you should add is a discussion of why you want to be a physical therapist. It's great that you're interested in it, and you do briefly mention that you like to motivate others, but I think you still have room to include a larger picture of the goodness you'd like to spread by being a physical therapist. Essentially, you could focus a bit more on the helping others aspect instead of the interest aspect. You could share what you envision your career to be (improving your community by being helping people like your father get better or something like that) and you should also explain how this program is what you need to get there.

Every student is interested in what they're studying. Not every student can articulate a life plan that they have and show why they need the college to help them get there. Colleges also like having graduates that are amazing people. They want to spread their name through the community service of their amazing graduates. They can't spread their name by giving someone a degree just to satisfy that person's interest.

Undergraduate / Person Who Influenced (Princeton): My Father and the Butterfly [3]

I like your story but one thing you could do would be to include a topic sentence/paragraph and concluding sentence that directly state/summarize how your father has influenced you. The person you're discussing isn't evident to the very end.

Keep the story. Just be a bit more direct.

Undergraduate / What Matters to You (Stanford): Cooking [5]

Your essay is confusing. You didn't really address what matters to you. Is cooking what matters to you or is that just an example? Is carving your own route what matters to you?

You have very solid writing skills but I don't think this essay addresses the prompt.

Writing Feedback / GRE: Colleges and universities should specify all required courses [3]

When you state the claim and reason at the top of the essay, is that your claim and reason or the claim and reason of the prompt? To further help you it would be nice if I could see what the question they are asking you is. Also, I don't think taking an on the fence position is best. You say that students have choice yet some courses should be required. Also, I don't know what you mean by "would end up with learning varied unrelated subject".

Writing Feedback / memo introducing myself. help: mechanicalism and grammar [4]

Where is your writing?

Undergraduate / Analyzing the fusion data; Short CalTech Essays - Ethics and Humor [4]

The way you talk about your scientific experiment seems to suggest that you were doing monumental research or something. For example, the phrase "shrouding the research community into further darkness" suggests that your experiment/lab wasn't done in a school setting, although your situation makes it pretty evident that your lab was for a school project.

I also think many people will talk about cheating in school. If you could think about another ethical problem and discuss that I think you'd be better off. Also, your tone works best in the humor essay but not in the ethical dilemma essay. Your ethical essay exaggerates the importance of this lab and seems a bit fancy. I'd prefer to see a different topic that is less discussed. When you talk about this topic, weigh both sides of the problem and explain why you made a certain choice.

Neither of your essays are bad, but your ethics essay could delve a bit deeper into the moral problems of an issue other than cheating. Cheating is pretty common and boring. Think of something bigger.

Undergraduate / What are your career goals and how did you develop them? general physician [2]

It's not always best to start with a quote. It can work, but it's something that many people do and you're basically just using what someone else said to express your own ideas. You might as well just state what the quote says yourself. I like your personal story about Charles although that would fit better at the start of the essay.

You could mention Charles and how that experience has led to an interest in medicine and a desire to help your community by becoming a general physician. Additionally, you might want to discuss why the university you want to attend can help you achieve that goal. Universities like it when they have a student with a goal that plans on using them to achieve it. Interest and motivation are great, but if you discuss your goals in more detail and explain why this university will help you achieve them, you should have no problem getting admitted. You probably will even with this essay.

Good work so far.

Writing Feedback / memo introducing myself. help: mechanicalism and grammar [4]

You probably don't have to, but it wouldn't be a bad idea to include something like "I appreciate you taking the time to get know me. I look forward to working with you this semester/year."

Undergraduate / I am proud to be a Nigerian; background or story [4]

You've done a good job sharing your background. This essay isn't really meant to be argumentative or specifically addressing a certain prompt, so the work you've done so far is good. You've certainly shared your story, and that's all you were asked to do.

One thing I might change is your referring to a group of Nigerians as a "herd". Multiple people are referred to as "a group", not as "a herd".

Essays / Simple Question - Just need help on finalizing thesis statement [3]

Your thesis should not have examples in it. This limits the rest of your essay and makes what should be a claim into a plan of development.

Say something like "While Buddhism and Taoism teach similar principles, the path they use to teach these principles are different". Those are the only two parts you need. You don't need the examples, and it would be better if you eliminated them so you could free up your essay to discuss any principle and how the teaching methods are different.

Graduate / "Wrong Email/Password"; Masters in Information Security - Statement of Purpose [4]

This statement of purpose should be telling me what your purpose is behind wanting to study information system security at your university. Right now, your essay shares a far-fetched story and a bunch of qualifications and credentials that you have. I could care less if you are fascinated by information security or enthralled by certain college courses. Leave out the fluffy adjectives. Your purpose is no different than anyone else's purpose - all of the applicants are probably sharing some cool story that supposedly prompted them to want to pursue the same career as you and all of them have probably taken classes, done internships, and worked in your field.

You can differentiate yourself by offering up a goal you have and then explaining how you need to complete this master's program in order to get there. You can still share your story, but the reasoning behind that should be closer to "I'd like to learn at your university to help accomplish my goal of eradicating hacking within personal email" instead of "getting my email hacked made me want to pursue a career in information security". I find it hard to believe that from one moment you knew what you wanted to do as a career. Your logic would indicate that every time a problem happens to you, you want to make a career out of addressing that problem.

Here's the structure I'd like to see.

1. Share career goal and a situation which would be rectified if you achieved your career goal.
2. Previous experiences.
3. Why you need this university to achieve that career goal.
4. If you are accepted and obtain this degree, what will your plan of action be afterwards?

Colleges love it when they are an integral part of a student's success. Every applicant is qualified and is interest and enthralled by the subject. What differentiates them is there plan.

You may say something like this:

"My goal is to eradicate hacking within personal email platforms. Ever since my personal email was hacked, I found that I had an interest in the field and would enjoy making a career out of solving information security issues. So far I have done x, y, and z to help me reach my goals, but I need to complete the program at your university in order to help me get there. Upon completing this degree, I will have the tools and skills necessary to achieve my goals."

You might get accepted with your current essay but it is so prototypical. You can do better by being unique and showing your definitive plan.

Graduate / I have gained distinctive academic results; Motivation Letter/ Background and future plans [3]

Your motivation should extend beyond your interest for the topic and your admiration for the standards of the university. Every student should be interested in the topic and like the university they are attending. See if you can find a different motivation. Something like "I need to do this to achieve my goal and this is what I've done so far to get there (background).

Undergraduate / l I worked as a tech at a therapy clinic; PTCAS 2013/decision making process [3]

I think you need to do more comparing and contrasting between physical therapy and other health careers. All of your peers in college will share the same interest as you do, so I wouldn't discuss interest or fascination in your essay. I see this essay addressing the question "why is physical therapy the best?".

Graduate / "Wrong Email/Password"; Masters in Information Security - Statement of Purpose [4]

Those things are great but I think you need to still share the overall career path/goal and show the college that they're part of that goal.

Research Papers / GUN CONTROL LAWS in the USA; ENG 102 Essay [3]

This is a well-written essay but I can't really help you when I don't know what you're being graded on. What was the prompt or assignment? Is there a rubric you were given?

Also, you mention how the liberal argument is based on emotion, yet the majority of your argument is emotional as well. The emotional argument you are making isn't wrong (I like it), but you might want to include some hard statistics or logical explanations like "people have the right to do things as long as they don't harm others" and "stripping the gun rights of citizens is basically curbing safety and liberty in the name of safety. Who cares about the statistics when we're diminishing individual safety?"

You've done well so far. I can assist you further if you describe in more detail what the assignment is and how it is graded. Also, if you have a hardcore liberal/socialist professor, be careful with arguments like these. Although you're certainly absolutely right in this argument, it might be worth making up some liberal/socialist propaganda in the name of getting a good grade. If you know your professor well and he/she is a good person don't worry with your opinion.