Scholarship / My communication skills/ business skills; Scholarship Essay - Making Difference? [4]

This essay means well but it's not going to get you where you want to go.

1. It doesn't say much about your subject that anyone else couldn't have said. In other words, it's not particularly original.

2. I see at least two cliches: "happen overnight" and "fate...is in our hands."

3 You tend to say the same things over and over. The essay is about 200 words long, but in terms of actual content it's a lot shorter. It's imperative that every sentence conveys a different thought and serves a different purpose.

Undergraduate / "You can't play Basketball" ; UNFAIR EXPERIENCE IN LIFE [6]

You don't necessarily have to change your subject, but this essay needs to be rewritten.

1. Identify the unfair experience.
2. Discuss what MADE the experience unfair.
3. Discuss how it changed you for the better.

Don't overuse the word "unfair."

Undergraduate / Taste of Victory; COMMON APP- Personal Essay [6]

This essay is very heavy on fact. I've seen this prompt a million times, and the key mistake here is the same as most other students make.

You don't say enough about the personal impact of earning your visa.

Most of the stuff about Brazil, the weather, airplanes, etcetera have little or nothing to do with what you need to be saying. Get rid of it and you'll have no problem shortening this thing up.

Undergraduate / Exchange student Experience/ Location/ Student Voluntary activities: Why CC/ attend? [5]

Your tone is a little too informal for an essay like this. It need not be stilted or "nerdy," but you go too far with the exclamations points and some of your phrasings.

Also, almost everything you discuss here could be done at almost every college in Colorado.

If I were you I'd focus the ENTIRE essay on CC's "original and unconventional approach to education."

Undergraduate / Childhood Obesity - Sophie Davis essay #2 Major Domestic Problem [9]

In terms of writing quality, this is satisfactory but it doesn't answer the question. It says to briefly describe the problem and then propose (a) solution(s).

What you've done is not-so-briefly described the problem and then given reasons and, occasionally, assigned blame for it.

Here are your tasks (in order of importance) on an essay like this:

---answer the question as it's phrased
---show that you know how to think
---show that you know how to write at a college level

There are also some key words to avoid and some important types of words to use.

Essays / HELP on Persuasive essay about the music industry [6]

Your thesis is the main idea of your essay. It's the big thing that you're proving throughout the remainder of your essay.

For starters, you'd have to narrow your topic a WHOLE lot.

You might argue that _________ is the most influential band or artist of the 1990's.

You might argue that the quality of modern popular music is underrated.

Even these ideas of mine are a little broad for a superior essay.

Congratulations for not choosing guns, abortion, or bullying!

Undergraduate / "Guns don't kill people, people kill people"; Suny Common App [6]

Please don't take offense because my intent is to help...

Have you any idea how many essays about this subject the Common App is going to read this year?

Even experts in this area have a hard time saying anything new or original about gun control.

If you want your essay to make a difference in your application, change your topic right away.

Undergraduate / Biculturalism - Common app for Brandeis - Topic of choice [5]

---There's a cliche in the very first sentence of this essay.
---This cliche (the blessing/curse thing) sounds like the main idea of the essay but you haven't really made a case for either part.

---You begin too many sentences with coordinating conjunctions.
---It ends nicely.

Essays / HELP on Persuasive essay about the music industry [6]


This is more like it, but you now have two arguments.

Given the choice, I'd prefer to read about the first one.

Undergraduate / Financial Reasons; Why I took up Gap year [5]

Look at how many times the phrase "gap year" appears in the first paragraph alone.

This is a grammar problem and a word-economy problem.

Undergraduate / Growing Up in Hawaii; Common App - Experience/ diversity [3]

So...

Highlight THREE things from this essay that illustrate what you would bring to a "diverse" college community.

Highlight THREE things from this essay that show why "diversity" is important to you (not the world, not society---YOU).

This prompt appears easy (which is why so many kids choose it). However, it is an incredibly difficult prompt to address well.

The readers are aware of the facts I put forth in the above two sentences.

Undergraduate / College of Arts and Science/accessibility; Unique qualities of EMORY U [4]

CONTENT:
---Most of this could be said about many other colleges.
---You mention "accessibility" as one of the "unique" aspects of this school? Can you cite an example or two?
---You must discuss other things that make Emory different from every single other school.

VOCABULARY:
---too many "big" words used either incorrectly or unnecessarily

GRAMMAR/STYLE/PUNCTUATION
---quite stilted at times (ie, "Empirically I know I have utilized the evidence," "I pursue being a student")
---at least one comma fault
---odd use of passive voice

Undergraduate / WORK ETHIC; COMMONAPP -WORK EXPERIENCE [5]

There aren't many blatant punctuation errors, but there are indeed grammar problems:

---Too many sentences begin with the phrase "I have." (I stopped counting at three.)
---This appears to be about 250 words but you could have said the same things in 200 words. Check this out:

"I think that my experience with working in restaurants has contrasted from other teenagers..."

"Although there were times that I occasionally despised..."

Furthermore, what the person above me said about originality was correct.

Essays / Compare and/ or contrast two poems; three thesis statements [31]

Do you need to write a five-paragraph essay?

Essays / Compare and/ or contrast two poems; three thesis statements [31]

I'm still here. I wish there were a better way to communicate...

Are you still there? I'll check back in three minutes.

We'll get this done.

Essays / Compare and/ or contrast two poems; three thesis statements [31]

Do you understand these poems?

Fire and Ice by Robert Frost
Fog by Carl Sandburg
Nature by Henry David Thoreau

Essays / Compare and/ or contrast two poems; three thesis statements [31]

Of course.

Do you understand these poems?

Fire and Ice by Robert Frost
Fog by Carl Sandburg
Nature by Henry David Thoreau

Essays / Compare and/ or contrast two poems; three thesis statements [31]

Which two do you best understand?

Essays / Compare and/ or contrast two poems; three thesis statements [31]

Is "A Noiseless Patient Spider" in any way about nature?

Essays / Compare and/ or contrast two poems; three thesis statements [31]

Have you ever heard the word "transcendentalism"?

Essays / Compare and/ or contrast two poems; three thesis statements [31]

Okay. Is this for a high school class?

I'm asking these questions for a reason, so be patient.

Essays / Compare and/ or contrast two poems; three thesis statements [31]

What big ideas are discussed in BOTH poems?

Essays / Compare and/ or contrast two poems; three thesis statements [31]

Good start.

What human feelings do BOTH poems deal with?

Guess if you have to.

Essays / Compare and/ or contrast two poems; three thesis statements [31]

Don't worry; I have both poems up right now.

Essays / Compare and/ or contrast two poems; three thesis statements [31]

Good start, but...

What I mean to ask is, what human feelings do the two poems have in COMMON?

Back in three min...

Essays / Compare and/ or contrast two poems; three thesis statements [31]

I understand. Look up these words...

FATE and SOLITUDE

even if you know what they mean.

Essays / Compare and/ or contrast two poems; three thesis statements [31]

Each poem confronts the individual's role in the universe .
Both speakers ponder their fate and destiny .
In both poems, the speaker addresses the issue of solitude .

Without wanting to stay up all night, and knowing that you need something NOW, I think these will do.

However, do you understand why I chose these?

Essays / Compare and/ or contrast two poems; three thesis statements [31]

You're welcome! I wish there were a way for people to contact each other here; this essay is not gonna be a simple proposition!

Undergraduate / The Poet's Inspiration; St. Olaf / Interim Course Design [6]

I rarely say this, but...

My initial sense is that this is GOOD.

My main complaint is that the last sentence just kinda hangs there. Without having read this TOO closely, I sensed that you either stated or implied that stuff earlier. If you didn't, then you need to tell me WHY studying abroad would enhance the learning experience.

MORE INFO:
---The first sentence is grammatically flawed---a setting is not a time ("the setting WHEN...").
---The word "particular" is redundant. Omit it.
---"Catch a glimpse" is a cliche. Rephrase that in YOUR words.

more to come...

Undergraduate / The Poet's Inspiration; St. Olaf / Interim Course Design [6]

Well I thought I had more to say, but it won't let me until you respond (?)

I'm not gonna go through this whole thing again just to get an "access denied" message.

Suffice it to say that although I still like your subject matter, there are a couple moments of weirdness in terms of phrasing.

Your word economy could use a little work, too.

Shorten this one...A LOT:

. From what I have ascertained about the January term at St. Olaf, I gathered that it is an opportunity for students to take classes they would not normally have the chance to due to major requirements, and a chance for those same people to study abroad if they cannot for a whole semester.

Undergraduate / Small accessible classes/ Group Study/ Ballet Club/ Debate & Speech; Why Brandeis U? [38]

Your essay doesn't really begin until the end.

Answer any THREE of the questions below. Give me 50-100 words for each.

1. Why are small class sizes important to you?

2. Why are you interested in the undergraduate study group?

3. What is it about speech and debate that appeal to you?

4. Why do you like knitting instead of, say, playing basketball?

What time is this due?

Undergraduate / Childhood Obesity - Sophie Davis essay #2 Major Domestic Problem [9]

When does this need to be finished?

Also, what's the word count?

Undergraduate / Small accessible classes/ Group Study/ Ballet Club/ Debate & Speech; Why Brandeis U? [38]

I'll wait. However, shortly I'll have to run a brief errand. Don't worry; I won't forget about you.

Include LOTS of FEELINGS words in your answers.

Undergraduate / Small accessible classes/ Group Study/ Ballet Club/ Debate & Speech; Why Brandeis U? [38]

Not bad. Keep going.

I need closer to 100 words for each so that I can choose the best stuff to keep.

I'll have to leave in ten minutes FOR about fifteen minutes.

However, fear not...

Undergraduate / Childhood Obesity - Sophie Davis essay #2 Major Domestic Problem [9]

Well I started editing your essay, but apparently you've left me...

Undergraduate / Small accessible classes/ Group Study/ Ballet Club/ Debate & Speech; Why Brandeis U? [38]

It's my pleasure. Go back and add more ideas to each. I don't care if you think you're just adding filler.

Your reader needs to know what makes YOU different from everyone else.

Undergraduate / Childhood Obesity - Sophie Davis essay #2 Major Domestic Problem [9]

It's gonna be a lot shorter, which is good.

What time tonight do you need this?

I have to leave the computer for about twenty minutes.

Undergraduate / Small accessible classes/ Group Study/ Ballet Club/ Debate & Speech; Why Brandeis U? [38]

Then forget about the knitting stuff.

Add more to the other parts; I'll be back in 25 min. (Pinky swear.)

Undergraduate / Small accessible classes/ Group Study/ Ballet Club/ Debate & Speech; Why Brandeis U? [38]

Now, using everything you've compiled so far, create one coherent paragraph about each issue I asked you to write about.

Undergraduate / Small accessible classes/ Group Study/ Ballet Club/ Debate & Speech; Why Brandeis U? [38]

Make everything into complete sentences.