Graduate / Graduate in Business Administration applying to LSE Diploma in Accounting and Finance [11]

Wow. That's pretty overwhelming.

Two more questions before I comment on this...

1. What's the length requirement?
2. When's it due?

Graduate / Graduate in Business Administration applying to LSE Diploma in Accounting and Finance [11]


This, by FAR, is the most important part of the essay prompt.

Have you addressed it? If so, where?

Graduate / Graduate in Business Administration applying to LSE Diploma in Accounting and Finance [11]


Probably...I'm not sure yet.


Find me five sentences that pertain to that question. Post them.

Graduate / Graduate in Business Administration applying to LSE Diploma in Accounting and Finance [11]


They will know this from your transcripts.

Here's the deal...

Not much of what you've posted above speaks to what makes you different as a person.

They want a personal statement. It's well-written, but it's not nearly personal enough.

Without looking at your essay, list ten words or phrases that describe you.

Writing Feedback / Why study? 'career preparation, gaining experiences, and increasing knowledge' [3]

Nowadays attending to college or university is one of the most important issues for juveniles. Seemingly, every youth has attended or wishes to attend to university . Doubtless, there are lots of advantages in participating to universities . It seems to me that,three arguments and advantages are highlighted in attending to university . Benefits such as career preparation, gaining experiences, and increasing knowledge have motivated youth to attend to university.

First reason for attending to university, in my point of view is career preparation. These days, there are lots of competitions among people for occupying certain jobs in job market. Having adequate job is a dream for everyone. In order to apply for the better jobs , people, try to make their resume stronger than others. In the marathon of getting jobs , who have studied in universities have more priority than uneducated one. As an instance, while my cousin was looking for a job for more than six months, my brother applied for the certain job and immediately started to work, because he was a university graduated. Entering university make us an expert, and more skillful. Therefore, we can occupy better jobs .

Second reason in my idea, is gaining experiences . Living alone , while studying, lead us to gain majestic experiences . Usually, adolescents rely on their family and without their supports will be disappointed. Living alone for the period of life might be useful or detrimental. In some periods such as during studying in university , being far from family is not only difficult for students but also a pretty useful chance for gaining various experiences . In this time span, students can gain experience for manage themselves in adult life.

The last reason that I believe motivates people to attend university is increasing knowledge. Human being has desire for learning more, and always tried for that. In addition, in today's world with the mass of information , in order to expanding communication with worldwide people, every day we have to know more than yesterday. Attending to university performs an opportunity for learning new matters, such as cultures, literatures, various cults, religions, and a variety of popular subjects. Therefore, I am sure one of the reasons ofattending to university is having thirsty for absorbing new information .

From my point of view, people have three main reasons for joining to universities , which are gaining experiences , career preparation, and increasing knowledge. Today, people think they can obviate these needs by attending to university . Therefore, most of the young people or even Middle Ages are studying in universities or wish to study. [/quote]

Undergraduate / I was raised in the kingdom of Saudi Arabia; ACET ESSAY [8]


In the conventional sense, your grammar and punctuation are fine despite a couple errors.

In the stylistic sense, there are tons of things that require attention. However, they're pretty subtle and this isn't the place for a grammar/syntax/sentence variety class.

Neither of us should waste time with these issues until the content is as strong as possible, and this always starts with vocabulary. This is why those cliches must disappear.

Undergraduate / "What are you doing? Go away!" Personal statement- Relationship with brother [6]


This is almost never the case. If anything, about 90% (probably more) of all essays need to be made less "broad in scope." Be careful.


Didgeridoo asks a good question. No one can really help you with this unless we know the writing task.

Writing Feedback / GRE - 'Correlation between monitoring and productivity of the employees' [6]


You're getting better at this. Be patient, though...significant writing improvement can take quite a long time.

As for this essay, let's look at the prompt:

---Discuss the merits of the preceding argument. In what ways is the argument effective or ineffective?

---Analyze the evidence used as well as the general reasoning. How does each point of evidence contribute to the persuasiveness of the argument?

---Present points that would strengthen the argument or make it more compelling. What does the author leave out?

Also, you don't need to rewrite the prompt in your introduction. I don't know who told you to spend that much time writing words you've just read, but that person (no matter how well-intended) was wrong.

Undergraduate / My Big Discovery- UVa Supp/ Stilling moment [8]

That all depends. There's not tons of content here for me to judge.

What's the length requirement on this thing?

Also, what's the entire prompt?

Undergraduate / My Big Discovery- UVa Supp/ Stilling moment [8]

Sorry so late in responding...

First off, I think they might want more of an "academic" moment. Still, I've done some editing below. There are two awkward sentences that requires attention (the green ones), but I have an appointment with another student in eight minutes so I can't get to it now.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Chemical engineering in smart polymer's field [10]

I will get to this either tonight or tomorrow morning.

Please respond because I don't think the software here will allow me to post again until you do.

John

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Chemical engineering in smart polymer's field [10]

First off, the template you've provided is both too long and, at the same time, inadequate.

The problem with the essay you've posted above is that lots of what you've written could apply to almost any other person. (For example, you say, "I plan to continue my education to Ph.D. level in an internationally reputable ‎and high-ranking research university." Lots of people "plan" to do this.)

To a great extent, you've rewritten your transcript.

A statement of purpose is, to a great extent, an emotional appeal.

Just for starters, try this:

1. What you were like when you were little?

2. What are you like now?

3. How do you intend to help society in the future?

---Write between 100 and 150 words answering each of the above questions. You'll write a total of 300-450 words.
---I don't want to see the word "polymers" (or any other word that I don't already know) anywhere.

The next step will be to tell me (by name) which schools you might like to attend and then find the admissions essay prompt for each.

Writing Feedback / GRE - 'Correlation between monitoring and productivity of the employees' [6]


I will contact you in the next twelve hours.

John

Undergraduate / Growing up I was always sampling different types of food; UMaryland spring transfer [8]

To answer your question as directly as I can, this essay gives off a warm and inviting tone. Whether you've answered the question they've asked is another matter.

In terms of readability it begins well. However, no matter how clever or engaging the metaphor, this paper can't be about food.

Only at the very end do you begin to follow the actual instructions.

Do this paper again, using your conclusion as your introduction.

Undergraduate / Growing up I was always sampling different types of food; UMaryland spring transfer [8]

Sorry I'm late in responding. We can keep some (although not much) of what you've written above.

Let's try this another way...

Take a look at the prompt:

Please describe your past academic experiences and your reasons for wishing to enroll to XXXXXXX at this point in your academic career. Students who have been out of school for several years, or who have a personal circumstance that affected performance, may wish to address that situation in their essay. Your essay should be no more than 300 words.

---Write about 150 words about your past academic experiences. Do NOT criticize your previous school. Instead, tell what you learned there.

---Write about 150 words telling why you want to attend XXXXXXX. Why is that school a good fit for YOU?

Don't discuss your family anywhere (yet).

Then we'll do the introduction and conclusion.

Don't worry about the word count yet. I will get it down to where it needs to be.

Soon you'll see where we're going with this.

When's it due?

Undergraduate / My Mom Isn't a Superhero - transition from childhood to adulthood [27]

I apologize for not having gotten back to you sooner. You face a dilemma The fact is that they're both well-written. The problem is that neither addresses the most important part of its prompt.

Let's look at this one...

Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked yourtransition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family in 650 words or less.

TRANSLATION: How did caring for your mom make you more adult? What ASPECTS of adulthood do you now possess as a result of this experience?

There's too much here about Mom.

As for the twin essay, check this out:

Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it.

What they're really asking is, "How did being a twin make you the person you are now?" I'm not at all sure that you've gotten deeply enough into this.

Your essays are equally "good." You're a skilled and talented writer, obviously (to me, at least) an AP student.

Still the first and most important job is to answer the essay question as it's asked. If you can prove to me---by citing specific words and phrases from either essay---that you've done this, then I'll stop pestering you and help you to edit and proofread if you'd like me to.

Undergraduate / I finished opening my last present; UVa College of Arts and Sciences Essay [5]

Prompt: What work of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature has surprised , unsettled , or challenged you, and in what way?

How was this episode important in your emotional or intellectual development?

They're asking you to tell how this album changed the way you think.

This is an entertaining story, but they aren't asking for a story.

Writing Feedback / We can't claim that scandals are useful just because of the ability of getting attention (GRE) [5]

This is a three. The biggest problem is that you repeat yourself WAY too often.

If you write 500 words but the same word appears 20 times, you've really written 481 words.

Undergraduate / hardships you have faced? How have you dealt with them, and the outcomes. [6]


For starters, you can remove the entire first paragraph.

This isn't "terrible," by the way.

Undergraduate / hardships you have faced? How have you dealt with them, and the outcomes. [6]

It's like a five-minute opening theme song to a 30-minute TV show.

Undergraduate / hardships you have faced? How have you dealt with them, and the outcomes. [6]

It's disjointed.

You need a separate paragraph for each hardship that Haiti presented.

Writing Feedback / Whether the power of advertisement or the real need of people? [7]

What's the exact question you're answering? Don't put it in your own words.

How long does this need to be?

Undergraduate / WashU University Scholars Program in Medicine [6]


I'm sorry to hear that this problem has been troubling you for weeks.

Have you written anything else? If so, would you mind posting it?

Your introduction is probably already lurking in there somewhere.

Graduate / SOP: changing major from Architecture to Computer Science [2]

A lot of this doesn't connect at all to your "purpose." For example, take a look at this paragraph:

It has nothing to do with you at all let alone your purpose.


What's the length requirement?

Undergraduate / My eyes were set on UT for quite some time; UT Austin Transfer/SOP [11]

Well...

This is only about 1000 times stronger than the other one. I don't see "iOS" or "ipad" anywhere!

Would you like me to identify the problems? If so, I'll be glad to do it but you'll need to give me an hour or two.

Congratulations on your effort and improvement.

Writing Feedback / Whether the power of advertisement or the real need of people? [7]


Well, let's do a super-brief outline...

DON'T look at your essay while you answer these questions:

1. Do you agree with the statement? YES or NO.

2. Write ONE sentence identifying a reason WHY the statement is true or false.

3. Write ONE sentence identifying ANOTHER reason WHY the statement is true or false.

Undergraduate / My Mom Isn't a Superhero - transition from childhood to adulthood [27]


I'm smarter than I look.

Do you intend to be online for the next half hour or so?

Undergraduate / My Mom Isn't a Superhero - transition from childhood to adulthood [27]

Both should be brought to fruition (if you have the time to do it) before you make the call.

If you must choose now, I'd nudge you toward the Mom paper as I can see some structural pitfalls with the "Twins" essay. However, the payoff would potentially be higher with the Twins essay. This is why I want to go farther with both if possible.

When is this due?

Give me a time and I will meet you and go through these piece-by-piece if you'd like.

(I'm on Pacific time, available pretty much all day unless I have appointments with other students.)

Undergraduate / Growing up I was always sampling different types of food; UMaryland spring transfer [8]



Most of this first paragraph deals more with past financial experiences than academic ones.

Remove the stuff I crossed out. Then write about a couple positive recent experiences you've had in school.

The second paragraph is fine (content-wise) for now. We'll edit it later.

Graduate / Kathy reminded me of my own parents; Person who impacted my life [5]

If you were to outline this essay, how would you do it?

I. Identify the person. (You've done this.)

II. Specify ONE way in which this person impacted you.

III. Specify ANOTHER way in which this person impacted you

IV. If you'd like, specify a THIRD way in which this person impacted you.

Also, for some reason you've drifted into a discussion of your mother. You're writing either about Kathy or Mom---not both.

Writing Feedback / "Watching TV is bad for children" agree or disagree? / Use Specific Reasons [5]


The essay is full of awkward phrasings and grammar errors.

I implore you to either hire a competent tutor or, at the very least, buy an English grammar book.

Students usually need to work on content first, grammar second. You're a rare exception.

Graduate / Kathy reminded me of my own parents; Person who impacted my life [5]


Yes please. Write exactly one sentence per item.

Forget about Mom (not forever, just on this essay).

Undergraduate / My Mom Isn't a Superhero - transition from childhood to adulthood [27]

I have not forgotten about you. To the contrary, I'm creating some information about the Common App, some of which is in direct response to the issues facing you here.

Bear with me.

Writing Feedback / People have so many possibilities. We can learn new things by only writing the term in Google Search [7]


Where's the actual question? This is the stuff that comes before the question.

I want to help, but without knowing the actual task I can't do so to the best of my ability.

Writing Feedback / An introduction for capital punishment [18]


---I will be honest. Of that you can be absolutely certain.
---Normally I'm not crazy about these kinds of "hooks." However, I rather like what you've done. (If I change my mind, I'll let you know.)

---You haven't posted a complete essay, so I can't answer that question.

Should we put capital punishment to death? NowadaysI n modern and civilized societies, its supporters have decreased in number considerably. Critics view the death penalty as inhumane and barbaric.but I believeHowever, this unrealistic and romantic view ignores thebasic human nature. and it is harmful to the society.This essay will discuss the issue in details.

Undergraduate / My eyes were set on UT for quite some time; UT Austin Transfer/SOP [11]

I take that as a high compliment (even if you didn't mean it as such).

You will have my comments within fifteen hours* of my having posted this. (I've been swamped with my "real" clients.) I would do it right now except that it's after 2:30am my time and I can't serve you well enough when I'm this tired.

Sorry for the delay. You're literally second in line (here).

*If that's too long, please indicate as such and I'll try to move some things around.

Please respond to this as the forum software won't let me be the last to post in this thread!

Writing Feedback / An introduction for capital punishment [18]


Both are redundant. Trust me.

That's all for "tonight."

I can answer other questions (later) tomorrow.

pinky swear...

Writing Feedback / An introduction for capital punishment [18]

Hi. To which question(s) are you awaiting a reply? I think I covered why I deleted the stuff I did.

Undergraduate / My Mom Isn't a Superhero - transition from childhood to adulthood [27]

I have determined the main problem with this essay:

There are MANY events discussed here, all under the umbrella of "taking care of my mother."

To be sure, you are an above-average writer and both of your essays are fine. However, I'd like for you to read this. Pay specific attention to the part about narrowing your topic.

Having read thousands of these, I can tell you that I'd LOVE to read about any ONE of these events. In particular, the part about reading to your mother is very intriguing and has real potential. You could cover lots of different angles, including but not limited to the irony of the child reading to the mother.

There are several other specifics here that I like and that could be expanded.

I hope that helps!

John

Undergraduate / My Mom Isn't a Superhero - transition from childhood to adulthood [27]


Another minor concern is the repeat of this phrase. I see it at least three times, which is at least once and probably twice too many.

However, you can eliminate this issue by heeding my suggestion above.