Writing Feedback / Friendship issue: Money is not always harmful [5]

Borrowing money from a friend is an unavoidable situation. It is said that a friendship could be damaged or broken due to money. Personally, I agree with this statement. There are three reasons to support my opinion: superiority, resentment and failure to repay.

First of all, lending somebody money will easily leads to superiority of the lender. They will probably think they have just given someone a favor. For instance, I loan my friend some money because he/she is having financial problem. Consequently, I will be bossy and ask my friend to help me with my assignment. Every relationship is based on equality.

Secondly, people who borrow money might be unable to return. They have difficulties and sometimes they don't have the chance to explain. They need money for emergency of their families or they are unemployed. The inability to repay can get two best friends into an awkward situation and endanger their relationship.

Thus, the resentment is likely to occur. There are many circumstances that friends killed each other just because of money. Money have risked several relationships because of its power. The second reason could be the cause of anger. This is easily understandable because everyone has their own restricted tolerance.

Money is not always harmful for every friendship. Sometimes borrowing or lending money is a way to show our generosity. "A friend in need is a friend indeed". It can promote the relationships and we may take some advantages. However, I still think that money is not always safe for friendship. The superiority of the lender and the inability to give money back of the borrower will lead to resentment without difficulty.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Studying history and literature is more important! [3]

There are many controversial opinions about what subjects are more important for students to study. A number of people believe mathematics and science have been essential for the development of humanity. Some people assume that literature and history have played important role in human life. Personally, I agree with the second statement due to 2 reasons: valuable lessons and greatest mind of world.

First of all, culture and experience have been contributed by history and literature. The evolution of human has been based on history, which records events in the past for us to gain experience and learn from mistakes. Hence, we have recognized so as not to allow history repeats itself. Furthermore, those ideas espoused by illustrious people such as Aristotle and Rousseau are effectively learned by human nowadays.

Second, without history or literature, we will never know about artificial intelligence produced in the world. For instance, Alexander the Great, who studied history and literature under Aristotle, became one of history's best leaders. What's more, the ideas and teachings of the great philosophers such as Plato and Confucius are still being espoused today.

Besides, we can't deny the importance of mathematics and science. Great inventions, phenomenal innovation or technological development are indisputable achievement.

However, I still hold my opinion that studying history and literature are more important for every student generations. Evidently, valuable lessons coming from history and literature have taught us a lot about life. Moreover, these two areas are responsible for producing the wonderful minds in history, whom we want to emulate.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL IBT; E-mail or Voice mail Versus Telephone or face to face [3]

Question: Some people like to communicate by e-mail and voice mail. Other people like to communicate by telephone or face-to-face. Which type of communication do you prefer?

Technology has been developing so quickly and becoming more perfect every day. Communication nowadays depends on technology pretty much. Voice mail, e-mail, telephone or just traditional way: face-to-face. However, I prefer e-mail due to 3 reasons: convenience, honest expression and fluency in communicating.

Everyone agrees that e-mail has been a great way of communication. You can talk to others from thousands mile. For instance, if you are in Vietnam and another person is in the US - half of the Earth, no matter how far it is, you can keep contact. We will never have to worry if our mails will be sent to the right address. If the address is wrong, then you will know right away. Moreover, e-mail doesn't take too much time: just a click.

In addition, writing e-mail helps people express honestly. Some people think that the face-to-face conversations make them feel stupid. Sometimes, their ideas are not expressed as exactly as they expect. For instance, I want to talk to my friend about a ticklish problem like her behavior, it's hard for me to face her and explain what she should do. Therefore, e-mail will be a good tool to help me speak out. She will just read my e-mail instead of listening to my voice which can make her annoyed. I don't have to worry about any other thing can make my opinion become unpersuasive.

Last but not least, every communication needs fluency so people can understand each other exactly and remember it for a long time. Voice email or face-to-face conversations sometimes make reserve people feel not very confident. For example, when I face my parents, I can't speak out every idea and express consecutively. They may stop me, speak something against it and that makes me forget what I want to say. Anyone can meet this problem once in any conversation. E-mail helps me arrange my idea perfectly and make it persuasive.

On the whole, to compare to all ways of communication, I really think that e-mail is the greatest way for major people to use. Its convenience saves our time. Additionally, honesty is necessary for every conversation and also fluency can't be missing for a persuasive expression.

p/s: Dumi, if you fix this essay for me, please tell me if it's better or worse than my precede essays ( in which part ). Thank you and Thank anyone who help me with this! :D

LOVE!

Writing Feedback / Assignment: Is it best to determine how wise people are by how happy they are? [3]

This is one of SAT assignments. I really hope to receive some contributive comments for my essay, especially a score for it. Please help me! I'm having a real SAT examination on this Saturday! Thanks in advance!

Happiness has always been the final and the most important purpose in a human life. Personally, I always completely believe that it is best to determine how wise people are by how happy they are. Nick Vujicic, a no-limb 30-year-old man, truly believes that happiness is the only thing he wishes for his son. Another epitomized example is Peter Pan, a boy who never grows up and always thinks of happy things, defeat a captain named James Hook.

The story of Nick Vujicic is widely famous and noted by millions people all over the world. He is a disabled person without limbs, which made him almost give up when he was 10. But eventually, he proved that people like him can do many things for this world. He is now a speaker and has already come to 24 nations to inspire positive thoughts of life. He has come to Vietnam recently and when Nick was asked that what he wants his son to be, Nick said "I want my son to be happy." That is not only his expectation for his son but also my parents' expectation for me and my brother. Nick said he doesn't care how successful people are, how much money they have, the only thing he cares is how they love. Love is a symbol of happiness.

Mention happiness, we can't forget Peter Pan, who is an intelligent boy comes from Neverland, never grows up and always thinks of happiness. His nemesis is captain James Hook, an evil pirate who always attempt to kill Peter. When James Hook received the miracle dust from Tinker Bell and found out that Peter Pan can fly because he always thinks of happiness, James started trying to put Peter down. Peter loves Wendy, a girl he met but James Hook said she doesn't love Peter, Peter was terribly upset. Hook treated and befuddled Peter, which was a wise strategy at that time. All of a sudden, Wendy reversed the situation by kissing Peter. Hook again embarked himself into the fight with Peter and when Hook almost fell into the ocean, he tried to think about happy things. However Wendy and Peter applied the same strategy to Hook, which made him lose the faith. Hook eventually died because he couldn't think of a single happy idea.

Two examples above showed that happiness is extremely important but to find it is not easy, to keep it is even harder because people sometimes put each other down to achieve their goals. Everything we do for ourselves, for our family and friends, we do it with the hope of happiness. Undoubtedly, happiness is rarely present in this pace of life, that's why I truly believe that only wise people can realize and know how to find and keep it.

Undergraduate / William Golding's novel: Lord of the flies - Leadership essay. [7]

Topic: Choose a character from the novel and make your argument for why they should lead. Write a 1000-word essay and use evidence from the novel to support your decision.

In the famous novel named "Lord of the flies", there are four main characters that William Golding built up to represent the typical personalities in human nature. While Jack stands for the powerfully instinct savagery, Simon represents the natural kindness and Piggy with his glasses is the symbol of wisdom, Ralph has the best conducts of a real leader as he was initially voted for chief. There are three main characteristics that mark him out as a felicitous leader: rational, moral and unflinching.

First of all, the most important trait that makes Ralph the best leader is his rational mind. I personally think that a leader should be a respectable and organized person. Ralph demonstrates his leading ability very well by the way he treats the kids. He said "We can't have everybody talking at once. We'll have 'Hands up' like at school" (33). Apparently, Ralph has a democratic view of governing: he wants everybody to have a chance to speak out. By saying this, Ralph built a good image of himself to make others support him voluntarily. "Ralph held out the glimmering conch and Maurice took it obediently" (88). As a result, the boys truly respect Ralph like the way he respects them. Ralph was very clever in his first strategy to gradually build up his reputation and yet, the order in his authority. "We'll have rules!" "Lots of rules!" (33) He obviously wants to keep the boys as a united community to work effectively. Ralph knows that anarchy will separate them and diminish their chance of being rescued. He inflicts the rules and regulations to maintain the order as it is the most essential basis of a community. The other point I want to mention is Ralph knows what is priority. "So we need shelters as a sort of_" "Home" (52). Ralph expresses himself as an organized and logical leader. This quotation implies that Ralph anticipated some future risks that could possibly put everyone in danger. "Everybody must stay round here and wait and not to go away" (23). A leader should be the one who is visionary and mature. On the contrary, Jack just focused on hunting and eating - naturally instinct needs of a human. Ralph specially cared about keeping the fire burning as a distress signal since he believed there's no better way to help them be rescued. "The fire is the most important thing on the island. How can we ever be rescued except by luck, if we don't keep the fire going?" (80). Ralph common sense to determine what is best for the group as a whole further demonstrates his superior leadership skills. He insisted on keeping the fire and exasperated when the boys ignored their mission. Ralph is not easily distracted person like the other boys, especially Jack when he tried to hunt the wild pig and let the fire out.

Secondly, Ralph is not only a rational leader but also a moral person, who cleverly keeps the fairness in his group. "Ralph, looking more understanding at Piggy, saw that he was hurt and crushed. He hovered between the two courses of apology or further insult 'Better Piggy than Fatty" (25). Ralph is sincere and considerate for other people. He apparently understand their feeling and particularly shows his sympathy for Piggy. Ralph is sensible enough to realize that everyone deserves to be respected. He believes no one should have to put up with being tormented. Ralph gently gains others' support by treating them equally, showing his compassion and ability to empathize with them. Opposite to Ralph, Jack is immoral, violent and condescending. "He's going to beat Wilfred" (159). He does not care or understand the natural equality of human beings and treats others in superior way. Jack shows his inability to sympathize with other boys and makes his followers do what he wants by violence is an irrational and transient way to keep them respect him.

The last trait that Ralph has is his unflinchingness, which is relatively important for a good leader. When the boys faced up with a threat that there is a beast intimidating them, Ralph with Jack and Simon had to go to confirm the truth. Undoubtedly, all of them have a huge fear of the supposed beast. Ralph could not hide his fear when he said "You're hunter" (104) to indicate that Jack should go first to check the beast but right after that, Ralph immediately recognized his responsibility as a chief "I'm chief. I'll go" (104). His leading sense reminds him to confront the danger and not let the fear overwhelm him. His quotation shows Ralph's courage and his awareness of being worthy of the boy's appointment. By saying that Ralph is unflinching, I also mean he is an optimistic leader. "While we're waiting we can have a good time on this island" (34). Ralph tries to maintain a generally positive spirit for the group as a whole, at once encourages himself to cope with a truth: they are stranded on an uninhabited island. Ralph wants to set a good example of an optimist and high-spirited chief so the boys would have the confidence in their leader. In chapter 11, when everyone followed Jack to satisfy their need of meat and completely forget about their mission of keeping the fire, Ralph still stayed on his own to protect his belief. Ralph said "I say! You voted for me for chief." "Didn't you hear the conch?" (116). Ralph understands his position among other people. A leader should be the one who knows who he is and always be ready to protect his authority. By saying straightforwardly to Jack he is the chief, Ralph demonstrates that he would never surrender him to lose the respect of the boys. I believe that even when the boys did not come back to Ralph (may be because of Jack's and Roger's powerful control) they could slightly see his assertive self-affirmation. Obviously, a leader can't be a dastard.

In conclusion, Ralph is a great combination of Piggy, Simon and Jack, which makes him the most appropriate leader of all the boys. Ralph is rational and clever in the way he creates and organizes his authority. He has the morality and sensibility to keep the justice in his group and treats them fairly. He is courageous and faithful in any situation. To compare Ralph with all three other characters, I absolutely would vote Ralph for chief if I was stranded on the island with him for his out-standing and skillful leading abilities.

Writing Feedback / Judgement and verification. Understand concepts and ideas is MORE IMPORTANT than learning facts? [4]

Hi,

I'm Jen. I'm practicing for the TOEFL test on May 23rd which is coming soon. This is a tough topic that I tried to finish in 32 minutes (I need to improve my speed to fit in 30 minutes) and I know I can't write a fabulous essay in limited time. Please make any correction, fix grammatical errors and it will be great if you can help me come up with better ideas to write. THANK YOU!

The development of science and technology in our society has been built from theories, concepts, and principles. To learn about the ideas of everything around us is to embrace to most important essence. However, learning facts of something is undoubtedly as crucial as understanding the ideas behind it. To support my opinion, I have two reasons: judgement and verification.

Firstly, any theories need to be judged carefully to become an acceptable concept. Thus, scientists have to find a way to prove the reliability of their ideas. For example, Issac Newton had a hypothesis that the Earth has gravity and everything that stays on the ground are being held by this incredible force. He demonstrated his hypothesis by his story of an apple which fell straight to to ground but not floated in the air. By observing and judging this fact, Issac Newton has found out the natural rule of gravity.

Secondly, learning about facts contribute to the development of ideas and concepts. Not all the time, concepts are strong enough to be persuasive. We all have to look at the facts to verify its practicality. For instance, I have learnt that sleep deficit is detrimental for my brain function and physical activity. However, in order to really understand that concept, I had to investigate the facts by doing a small experiment. I started to go to bed earlier and fulfill a complete circle of 8-hour sleep and the result was fascinating: I felt happier and more active.

Obviously, learning facts help us to make the right judgement about a phenomona like Issace Newton did to prove his hypothesis acceptable. I have done an experiment to verify the idea of sleep deficit. Therefore, I believe the balance of learning facts and understanding concepts is necessary in any field of life.

Undergraduate / Personal essay based on specific questions on the university website; Undergraduate Admission [38]

Hi guys! I need some help with my personal statement for international undergraduate admission. This is the first time I've ever written a personal essay based on specific questions on the university website. Below are the questions:

1. What undergraduate degree program at IUPUI do you wish pursue (certificate, associate or bachelor)?
2. What academic subject or major to you wish to study in this program?
3. What are your objectives for pursuing this degree and major?
4. As of today, what academic achievement(s) are you most proud of? Please include any service, volunteer or extracurricular activities.
5. For students who have completed their secondary education, have you been away from school for more than three months? If so, how did you spend the time?

6. Looking at your educational record, have you failed any courses or earned more than one or two poor grades?
7. Is there anything else in your background that you want to bring to the admission committee's attention as it reviews your application?

The essay should be limited to 1000 words and I attempted to write mine in 911 words. In the essay, I explained my academic year in the US as I did not earn a high school diploma but the experience has greatly impacted me. I tried not to sound presumptuous but to fully express myself. Please help me review it and any suggestion is appreciated. Let me know your feeling after reading it also if you were in the admission committee.THANK YOU SO MUCH IN ADVANCE! (The essay is in italic)

In my academic year of 2013 - 2014, I went to the United States on a cultural exchange program. During the year, I took part in several activities of the school and the community of Indiana state. Each experience offered me a lot of precious lessons and opportunities that helped define me and my career choice.

I joined the marching band of Mt.Vernon high school as a novice with the lack of musical ability. With the help of the band director and my friends in percussion, I was able to set up electronic equipment for the whole band, played several instruments and competed from August 2013 to September 2013. Marching band season was an incredibly stressful time for me but thanks to this experience, I learned to go beyond what I thought I could possibly achieve. I also participated in the fundraising of the band by serving in a fast food stand at Lucas Oil Stadium of Indiana from September 2013 to February 2014. My manager delegated me to do various tasks in which I adapted myself to an environment that required flexibility and activeness. This experience particularly had a great impact on me as I found my interest for working in a service field.

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