Writing Feedback / Governments or children should be responsible for old people ? [5]

In the fast pace of life , most people are frequently engaged in their business and do not have time to take care for family and their old parents in particular. This is a paradox(actually, this isnt, this si cause and effect that you are demonstrating. X causes Y) that some old people are forced to live in an old-aged home because they are abandoned by their children , besides , some choose to live in a home with their peer group. Together with this phenomenon , a controversial issue is that who should actually take the responsibility for paying these services(what servies, list them, i mean, we know what you're saying, but you still need to be clear).

In the first place(drop this, we're in a new paragraph, so that already defines the beginning of a point) , some people strongly argue that children should be responsible for paying care services their parents when they live in Old- aged home. Obviously(in the world of debate, nothing is obvious when you are providing analysis, makes it look like you're taking a side, or you're trying to say this is too simple for me to take the time to explain) , One of the most significant virtues of people is that we ought to take the duty to show the gratitude and thankfulness for parent's upbringing when we are mature enough. Undoubtedly(drop this, because it makes this poistion sound absolute, and I can think of a ton of examples that instantly obliterate your absolute position... so dont take that. also, it may not be wise to say "our".. you're speakign for civilization as a whole, and that isn't really your place) , our parents have dedicated and sacrificed their all lives for next generation and brought a better life for us by working in toil and moil . In return , it is important to deserve to be paid back in appropriate manner.

On the other hand, some other people believe that governments has to pay for this care service. It is also suitable that government should support the old people(find new words) if they do not have any children to take care of them or do not have salary for their living expenses, government should take responsibility for funding them. Furthermore , getting older is an inevitable fact in human life and not excepting anyone we will get older in the future , family and government had better to have a good preparation for convalescence (why?) . This is also a common issue of society but anyone's business , therefore, paying for this care services is an undeniable responsibility of government.

In conclusion(don't announce the end when it is upon the reader, they can see that) , I would rather insist that this kind of the social responsibilities should be reasonably implemented by the government of any country. More importantly, authorities and politic makers can take actions for a long term initiative , hopefully this reasonable solution will work in the near future.

---
you haev a big problem, you presented one side, and a counter-argument... and you did not logically take a position. you didn't reinforce the position you close on, there is no WHY. Your examples cancel eachother out, all that is left is your possibly arbitrarily assigned position. I'm sure it is not arbitrary, but you don't display your reasons that make the position better.

Also, you left out other possibilities. Your title says governments or parents, but your intro paragraph says "who should pay" so what is goign on here?

Undergraduate / Common App Transfer Essay -- Why do I want to change? [2]

I'm nto a grammer man, so I'm not concentrating on that. I'm not sayign there are problems, I'm saying, dont take my negligance to say anything as a approval of grammer.

It took me half the essay wondering if you were home-schooled, before you clearly said it. What are 'virtual teachers'. That is too foreign a concept to leave it there...

Idk, this was a tough read. The instruction basically says, why are you transferring? Personally, I've been out of college for awhile, so my essay here revolved around personally deciding why to go back to college (with transferring being the technical means to keep credits)... and you talk a lot about being home schooled, and mention that you were/are in college (its ambigious) and I have no clue why you want to transfer... I don;t think you're meeting the essay requirements.

As an aside, even though the instructions say, list reasons for transfer, and list objectives you want to achieve, thats just a framing. You still need to demonstrate who you are, your qualities, your frame of mind, they "why" of why you should be taken into the accecpting college. Even though this essay says list these things, you still need to advertise yourself.

I think you should make an outline, and at first, list out your reasons for transfering and your objectives you hope to acheive (either in a college sense or a career sense). Then look for persoal experiences, stories to support and reflect on that demonstrate these points. That is just one way of doing it...

real problem is, at the end, i have no idea why you are transferring

Undergraduate / "To Know" / Common Application / Transfer / Personal Essay [4]

I feel rough about that ending too. Thanks for the input. I'll see if I can rework that and keep the idea. I feel a little silly abotu the repetivness I picked up in the last two paragraphs, but thank you so much for the vote of confidence! I appreciate it so much!

Undergraduate / My maturity was promptly tested at the age of twelve; Autobiographical E/Columbia GS [4]

Sorry, I stopped reading becuase I have to go right now, but I'll come back and read more later.

What are the exact requirements for the autobiography essay? Is it supposed to be this long? GS is general undergrad studies right? not graduate studies right? I feel I like you're explaining everything of your entire life. I know it makes sense to you of course, but there are continuity details you're missing that make it tough to handle the time gaps.

You're writing this chronologically, with a ton of details, but you're not concentrating on them. You use the situations as an explanation for your state of mind and resolve. You need to show the admissions how you respond and reflect on the situations.

I'm not going to lie, I have never read a biography book, though I watch biography documentaries a lot... and even then they don't get into every little detail that is going on every year. I feel like you need to pick key events and concentrate on defining moments. Moving into the country and how that was hard, dealing with a single parent and taking responsibilities as a mother, deportation... I feel you include a ton of stuff that I can learn from a resume document that I think you should be submitting, and not enough about you and your thoughts and feelings. Sorry to say it, but this is a very loooong and dry read, and from what I have read so far, I'm left asking myself, besides going through a tough life, what have I learned about your qualities as a person? I can't nail anything definitive down. I mean you sound perfect in a general sense, but nothing impacts on me besides your have have a rough life. You need to impact me with how you deal with things. This feels so much like an expanded timeline of events with minimal input from you.

Please post the instructions. Is it really supposed to be this long? I find that very hard to believe.

Book Reports / milton attempts to explain why god created satan thus bringing suffering [4]

You already have a basic thesis. Let your exploration of the topic guide you to refining that basic position.

If you're defending Milton's position, isn't "Paradise Lost" all of his justification? Pick strong examples from the book that you feel you can explain why they are logical. See if you can find other sources that support those positions in a different context (context that does not discuss Milton or his book, and if posible the exact situations), to further support the points.

Undergraduate / Music has always been important in my family; NYU Transfer: Academic Interests [3]

I'm not a grammar guy, but I believe this is a run on sentence.

Upon starting elementary school, my sisters and I were required to play an instrument but I was not fazed by my parent's decision because I always loved the sound of music.

I would recommend distilling your story down. You want to do hip hop recording, but you mention books and movies, what does that have to do with your interest in hip hop or recording?

I'm just typing my thoughts, but I guess you're trying to show progression, but its very loose. Maybe instead, tell why you like hip-hop recording. Why hip hop and not the piano or flute? You disreguard those two without giving explaination or reflection.

The way I see it, if you include a detail, it needs to go somewhere and get wrapped up or tied to something. If you leave a detail out there, and dont connect the dots, its like the TV show LOST, it becomes filler and we're left wondering at the end, "what was that about"

sorry, I'm kinda harsh sometimes

Undergraduate / My team was posted to a day care during a youth rally; Extracurricular activities [5]

explain strabismus before you continue, because you talk about surgery, yet we don't knwo why its important yet till when you mention being cross-eyes several sentences later

You mention a donor, and then you refer to him via several pronouns -- "he". You should reiterate who "he" is. "The donor" had seen our fliers...

Don't say "Through him we started awareness...". No one is goign to make this mistake, but it almsot sounds like you used him... Say, With his help, we did such and such...

Nice experience, but you spend onyl the first half talking about what you did and you spend the rest talking abotu the group and another guy, and in the end, my final thought is not on you, it is on the guy, and that he deserves a commendation. At the end. you're speaking for the group "nothing made us happier"... should abstain from that in this case even if you are the leader because this essay is about you, what did "you" do, what did an experience mean to "you". Personalize this more. It's nice you're sticking to the truth, but talk about your personal involvement more. Elaborate on the first experience with the lady you talked to. What happened after that tlak? How did you feel about it? DId they do the surgery? If not, did you feel more compelled to do do x and y or what not.

Undergraduate / The moving image ; Emerson C- What influenced you to select your major? [4]

oh my goodness thank you so much! I was stressing out so much but thank you!

Undergraduate / FUTURE OF CHINA'S ECONOMY; TRANSFER [7]

Interesting topic of focus.. but you're blaming your current institution... for what? Becuase they dont have info on Foxconn? Basically you're telling this transfer college, that they need to send you to Foxconn for a visit, they need to provide learning on China economics (which btw is moving to western economics, sooooo shoulndt you reaffirm your western economy marketability in light of the european and american market crashes?)

do not bash on your current institution. do not. you sound pathetic.

you're transfering, its a given that something has you unhappy, but this essay only tells us that you're pissed. it doesn't tell us who (we hope) you really are, your qualities, adn your goals... besides complaining...

Undergraduate / My strong abilities; Kelley School of business Admission Essay [6]

1. Drop the opening sentence with your name.
2. Drop the sentence with your current school. App materials show that. If you really want it, include it in the third sentence.
3. You say you're passionate about finance, so thats why you want to learn finance... Stating something doesn't make it true, like the teapot in space. Explain with an example why finance is important to you. Your internship example is on the right track, but thats more of a reinforcement than a realization that you like finance.

4. Don;t talk about your parents valuing education. It's nice that you reflect on that, but really, this is about you and your self assessment. Don't assess your parents.

Undergraduate / I am in combat. The enemy is stealthy, fast, and skilled; College App [6]

Generally good. However, I do find myself wondering, what is the allegory for all those colorful descriptions of mud and ricochets.. and how does fighting breast cancer drive you to want to go to college? Are you studying medicine? Marketing/social work or something? Becuase those are easy to relate, with something like, you want to rais awareness or something...

But do relate back why this battle makes you want to go to college, even if it as simple as living life to the fullest or something.

Undergraduate / My primary goal here is an academic one; TRANSFER OBJECTIVES [2]

Generally, this is solid. However, and me being in the same boat as you with the common app's transfer essay, I feel there is something I want to hear from you, that even though I know it, I wonder if you know why.

Why do you need a bachelors?

I'm struggling with this myself. I have an associates too.

But I feel they would want to hear a simple statment on that -- even if its a one liner. We all know the why, but jsut cover your base so no one has to 'wonder' why that was left up to the wind.

Undergraduate / This passion is still alive in me; TRANSFER of MAJOR (To technology management) [3]


Don't talk about your youth.

I could infer that all your experiences led you to your other major... and now you're saying to missevaluated that... how do we know you're not kidding yoursle fnow?

Concentrate on why you are leaving your current major. What was not satisfying in that field that you belivev you can get in tech management? I guess after you frame why you were wrong to be in w/e you are in now, then you can say that you now realize you should be this because of your "youth"

I have a similar experience.

I was a mech engineering major becuase my mother and uncle are engineers, and my grandparents were bio-med scientists. I thought I would enjoy this field of science. However, I failed at it. I couldn't feel passionate about a number directed line of reasoning. All throughout high school I thought I would be an engineer. I was wrong. I soon realized that all throughout highschool, and my youth, that I had always loved the art of presentation, specifically motion pictures. So I want to be a film-maker.

That is just a basic gist. But you need to say where you are coming from, why you're turning away from it, and why this is a good choice for you. Make sure you don't say that studying was hard or something, because no one wants to hear that. I couldn't get into engineering because it wasn't a passion. I should say something about why I first chose it though... but you get the idea.

Undergraduate / Knowledge, responsibility, respect, passion & a desire makes good Physician Assistant [4]


say: these things "topped my list, and I believe I have these qualities." Flowing language is nice, but sometimes it's flowing... without end. Shorten that down.

I'm not going to read the whole thing because I can see you've merely dressed up things on a resume, and I can't learn anything about you besides your writing skills... I'm seriously assuming you included a detailed resume in your application materials, because you should have, and all these points should be on that.

This is your personal statement, in lieu of a face to face conference, this is it. Your last chance. You're telling me why you want to be a P.A. with general points. You need to give us something specific, with your reflection on it. I don't know any more about you than a detailed resume.

Pick an event, something definitive, and use that to tell us why you are interested in medicine and helping others. You've demonstrated you "are" helping people... not "why" you want to... or "why" you want to help people more by becoming a P.A.

I know that there may not be a single experience that brings across all the qualities you wish to put out... I'm not telling you to lie, I'm suggesting you can creatively reflect on a true situation. How you personally reflect on a situation is just as important as how you handled that situation. So, tell me again. Why do you want to become a physician assistant?

Undergraduate / Living with my parents is a life of forced obligations; Transfer Essay; Ben Franklin [3]

Crit review. Don't take it personally, but I want to quickly hit points hard so you can change them.


You sound snobbish. Drop the complex language. It is drawing out your sentences without necessity.


If you can describe something, or better yet, if you're going to mention a detail, you need to expand on it. Don't throw us bone without meat on it. Consider tossing the tyrant dad part. It's a gut punch. But the thing is, you're not scoring sympathy points. I don't doubt that your home situation had defined you. I have some experiences on that front. But plan this out with an outline: if you write point A, you need point B, otherwise, stick with the higher point #1 instead. Details. If you're not providing them, don't hint at it.


You're reflecting on things. It makes perfect sense to you, not to the audience. Again, details, or I don't want to hear it.

The rest of this essay keeps with this problem. You're summarizing personal experiences... You're demonstrating to me you can summarize, and thats about it. You're not showing me the "transition from movable to autonomous (self moving)". You said that was your point, and you've neither illustrated each state of being for your life, nor have you illustrated the turning point or change from being moved to self moving.

Scholarship / I can face all the challenges in life ; NTU Scholarship- My values and beliefs [6]

Critical review. Please don't be offended.


What task? Only one? Does this mean you believed you could do everything else in the world but not this one "task", and that self confidence got you through it? This statement makes you sound silly. You need to get specific. Your whole paragraph is general. Illustrate how self-confidence got you past a hurdle and why it did, more importantly illustrate why your self confidence is scholarship worthy.


"Besides" is too candor... and a better what?

Self improvement is not about changing the world... In fact you rush through tith self-help, friends' variety of personalities, all without elaborating on anything. This doesnt dhow organized thought.

In the end, you say that you believe your values help you face challenges... In your intro you solely identified self-confidence...

You need to make an outline of what you hope to write and convey.

Writing Feedback / BYOD (Bring Your Own Device) and Its Benefits [2]


Um, you're stating that employees bring their devices to work for corporate espionage... First of all your sentance structure is wrong, second you can't just jump into a wild statement like that.


Like what?


Bad structure. Logically, this doesn't help your point. You framed your argument from the standpoint of corporate policy... doesn't this lower business costs?

I've very lost with the last half of your essay... You framed the beginning as "BYOD is bad", then you list reasons its good...

Scholarship / I put forth a lot of effort into everything that I do; "Why you deserve scholarship" [3]

Constructive crit.


You've restated yourself 3 times. You need to illustrate this point somehow with an experience or something. What is a goal you have set and strived for? Use something from your other application materials so we can investigate it a little.

I've actually stopped reading half way through because you have used the term "goals" in every single sentence without advancing the conversation. This illustrates that you don't have a goal here.

Rewrite this is a personal example that illustrates your devotion to completing goals and objectives. Don't tell me you like to complete goals, because I don't believe summations. Illustrate it. I don't want to promote this, but if you're lying, that's ok if you can be creative and support something that sounds passionately real. I don't want to promote lying. You should not do that. What I'm saying is, fictional characters in fictional stories can show me these characteristics through their adventure. You, as a real person, aren't doing that here...

Rewrite.

Writing Feedback / Extra credit & retests destroy students academic accountability? argumentative essay. [2]

The thing about arguments is, that most often they are only personal opinions. You're doing more than participating in a simple discussion between people. You are presenting a thesis in a written form. This is a one time deal. No retorts or recourse. You've had your chance to speak, and if the reader can poke holes in your argument points, you are weak. So I'm going to poke some holes, please take it constructively.

In your introduction you very specifically identify academic "second chances" prep students for failure in college, supported by some quotes. Then you back off from your specific thesis by saying "somehow we are enabling our youth to succeed in high school, yet destroying their ability to cope with the first year of college." You already defined your thesis, so don't back off. Don't present an open question. You can fix this by framing this open question earlier, then finishing the intro paragraph with your specific thesis statement. Again, your last sentence is weak because you generally highlight mistakes instead of academic failures.

Second paragraph: you highlight personal experience. Despite what a lot of people say, personal experience is the worst type of point to throw out when arguing a point. This is because I don't know you. I don't know your background, and I don't know if what you say is real... unless you're some sort of professional, then your title and field or work experience lend credibility to that. Since you're talking about college academic failure causes, only someone in college or higher can really comment with personal experience on this. You do cite a specifics though... The problem is that you defeat yourself with your language and food example. That exercise entourages cultural appreciation through food... you don't defeat that... and it almost looks like you didn't understand the point of the exercise you're describing, again discrediting yourself. --- You then talk about an incident you heard about at another school. You heard it? Give me some semblance of citation so I can follow up on it. When did it happen? This point only works if I trust you, and your prior argument discredits you, therefore I don't trust what you heard. If you can't cite the incident appropriately, get rid of "you heard." At least if you're confident that it is real, look like it, and stand by your reporting by taking credit for it.

You relate something to "Groundhog Day." That is a movie right? I never watched it (I'm being serious, but also for arguments sake). Why is this a bad re-run of the movie. Tell me in a one sentence why Groundhog day is bad, or how this is a bad duplication of it. Even elements with cultural significance need to be explained a little. You can't leave it up to assumed semantics. Make it clear.

Third: You say that extra credit is an incentive. Incentive for what? You switch gears, "discouraging to a student who showed effort"... This isn't right. You presented an if/then statement... and you're trying to say it's incorrect... but you didn't say that, then you jump to another point in the next sentence... Another problem, you repeat third sentence, and you restate it yet again...

"Obviously, not every teacher hands out points for tissues" ... is this a conclusion? You're in the third paragraph/point. This is not the conclusion. Also, don't use "obviously." In an argument, nothing is ever obvious unless you immediately state why... and mid sentence you jump to another point...

You have a big problem with the end... because now you root for the other side... Sometimes in argumentative essays you poke the opposing side's strongest point... This is for a fourth and separate paragraph, and you're not discounting anything.

Advice: Think like a lawyer. You need to illustrate a point beyond a reasonable doubt. You're hoping that I'm not going to fact check things you cite, and you're hoping I trust you. So you need to foster that.

Undergraduate / Turning point of my life began with my interest in Journalism U of A PS [5]

Your question is incomplete english. Are you asking if that is a good plan/outline? Can you add what the requirements are for the statement.

Personally, I don't think that is a good plan because you other application materials should highlight that you were editor in chief... plus you wouldn't want to talk about bad grades.

The personal statement is like a face to face interview (since you most likely will not get a real face to face interview), with the question you are presented with being, who are you?

Don't necessarily tell what you did alone. Tell why you chose to be a reporter in high school. I think the best thing to do is to limit your timeline of events down. Was there a pivotal moment for you, perhaps what landed you editor in chief? You want to be a reporter right, so think like you're profiling yourself. What should we know about you, in an interesting fashion. Demonstrate your abilities, interests, with a (true) story, and your reflections on it.