Your essay sounds very pretentious. You state that you want to understand the issues of wealth distribution but you want to study at Stern? Why not at CAS? The feel I get from your essay is that you want to go to Stern to become the 1% and not for understanding wealth distributions. Try editing your essay so it doesn't sound like you're trying to BS yourself into NYU.
The prompt isn't asking about your reactions to music. You write about how your friend died and felt depressed; however, because of the music, it has healed you. This prompt is asking you to show your intellectual analysis about art, music, science, math, or literature.
I will suggest taking out your first paragraph until "Throughout.." because the first part of your essay is stating the obvious about failure and it is very cliched. I feel like this essay is more appropriate in the addition information section of the common app. If you think about it, what did you fail at? You failed at maintaing a spotless record? You ruined your reputation? What did you try to achieve that resulted into a failure? Your essay doesn't have a clear answer and it mostly talks about your feelings and experienced during this unknown "failure."
I need context in order to revise your first sentence correctly but you can change the first sentence into active tense. " I tantalized to sort out... and was helped to retrieve their dignity..."
Hi, I remember your UC essay too! I don't see many issues with your essay. One thing to suggest is maybe in your last paragraph, elaborate on what you wrote that impressed your teacher. Tell me some concerns you have about this essay and I can help you out further.
I don't understand why you think so negatively about your essay because it shows your passion and interest in writing. I don't think you need to shove extra unnecessary words into this essay, especially on the day before its deadline. I think it's the essay is good enough considering the level of procrastination on your college apps (I understand)...
So what is your story or background that is so central to your identity. You give brief stories about the car exchange and changing friends. You should stick to one story and elaborate on it further. Half of your essay is about change and most adcoms know what change is. Write more about how change has affected you than what change means.
I wouldn't advise submitting your application with this essay. This essay is meant to provide new information not stated in your application. It should reflect creativity and sophistication through your writing. You're just elaborating the activities that you have listed in your application. Many students get into Harvard without having to answer the optional supplement so don't worry about not submitting it.
Your first paragraph with your longings of studying out of state and praising New York makes it seem like you want to study at NYU's main campus in New York so I got confused when you say you want to study in China. I would advise you to apply to New York unless you've visited China and loved it there. You will learn to love the city life when you're having to face dirty and unhealthy conditions at Shanghai. Only parts of China dedicated to tourists seem clean but once you leave those areas, it's a completely different world. Getting back to your essay, you talk a lit of why you want to study in China but not why you want to study at NYU Shanghai. Try to talk more about the school and include a conclusion to wrap your essay.
Your essay seems quite mundane. You can tell that Pomona wants a quirky and creative essay when you read the 2 titles of their Critical Inquiry courses. Many people will probably write about a multidisciplinary course with different topics. You only have one last day so my advice to you is make your essay more creative. With these kind of essays, go out of your comfort zone and explore a different style of writing.
Your paragraph is kind of confusing because it gives off the assumption that you have never played video games until that one day. Also, what do you mean by your brother no longer able to play that video game ever again? In my opinion, I don't think that your second paragraph effectively shows your passion in engineering. Everyone follows improvements in video game technology whether they like games or not. You should talk more about the specific technological improvements in Kinect and Oculus Rift. Restructure your last paragraph so it doesn't sound forced and awkward.
Your essay is too simple and mundane for a high-caliber school like Duke. I would suggest researching more about the school and find something unique about Duke and elaborate on it. I don't suggest writing the optional unless you have something amazing.
From my point of view, your essay overall seems in par for this school; however, there are some things that you should consider modifying or changing. As I approach the middle of your essay, you say that the Honor Code will make you believe that the mentally challenged kid is trying her best to get better. What does that have to do with believing that the child will get better? Your personal integrity has nothing to do with believing in something or someone. I would consider removing everything starting from " In spite..." You don't need to say that you don't know much about the school or that you're not the right student. Why would they choose you if they can accept the person that says they'll fit in perfectly and claims that the person has researched the school and knows it pretty well. I hope my feedback will help you in editting.
Your house burning down doesn't really show how you've matured and discovered who you are. Elaborate on how your house burning down has made you realized all these things that you mentioned. You say that the disaster has completely changed you but how?
Your essay is fitting to Purdue's expectations. You obviously can't describe or tell a lot in 100 words or less so your essay has the content for its short length.
I love your new essay! It seems more personal than before and clearly shows your interest in Yale. A few changes in the essay would make it perfect. Take out "So do I" and "(hopefully)".
I will accept your request to be harsh on your essay so don't be offended from what I say about your essay. You answer about 1/4 of the question being asked. Your first and second paragraphs are unnecessary unless you want to show your interconnection with your grandfather. If so, rewrite the paragraphs to clearly show that your swim training has allowed you to bond with your grandfather. Honestly, you can start the essay with the third paragraph. Your essay should be about you wanting to attend JHU but you only mention JHU in your last sentence. Post your original draft with 800 words because I feel like you took out the meat when you shortened the essay to 500 words.
In my opinion, I think that you should rewrite your essay just for Yale. A way to tell if a college specific essay needs improvement is if you can interchange the name of the college in the essay. To be honest, you can be mesmerized by any professor from Yale, Harvard, or Princeton swinging a bucket of water. I would also suggest taking out the sentence about the rumor.
By quickly reading your essay like an admissions officer, I get the feel that you want to go to Madison because of its beautiful scenery and its diverse community. First off, change your first sentence to make it less awkward like "To me,UoW is special because..." Combine your second and third paragraph. Take out the obvious things like libraries having a lot of books. All libraries have a lot if books. I would suggest elaborating on your writing interests and how UoW is unique because all colleges have special communities. Try to emphasize the lack of diversity at your boarding school and how much your want to attend because of the new people that you can meet there. Take out the sentence about student number and study burden because college will be 100 times bigger and more difficult than your boarding school. Sorry but I don't have time to check your grammar so go over it with your teachers.
Your essay seems more fitting for the prompt which asks if you have ever challenged a belief. From reading your essay, I get a feeling that you're not bound to the limitations set by your parents. You seem to have the intellectual ability to challenge your beliefs and incorporate your own meanings. Your essay seems to flow very smoothly.
I think you should change "Well known...me" to "Gatech attracts me because of its well-known programs and heavy workload." Also change "my knowledge, urge" to "my knowledge to urge." Take out "in" after "joined," change "found" to "founded," capitalize "House," change "doing so" to "my involvements."
To cut words, you can delete your first sentence ,remove "however" after "Difficulties," change "edge" to "limit" and remove "edge of being broken." You can also delete "especially" in the last sentence and create a new sentence.
"who...teaching" is a dependent clause. Read the sentence without the dependent clause and it will sound a whole lot better with the changes. "I will receive the strongest academics and learn from the best professors in the same class..."
I would suggest that you rewrite your essay to emphasize more on the school. You mention UMich in your last paragraph and it doesn't feel like you really want to go there. You talk about your interests but all the specific details make the essay seem boring and unrelatable. Try incorporating your interests with UMich in your new essay.
You answer why you want to go to Gtech but you don't clearly answer what you can contribute to the community. If you have more room for words, elaborate on how you can contribute or if you don't have room delete everything after "Tough" and elaborate. You have a problem with your parallelism in "doing their research to traching" which should be "researching and teaching." You should also delete "and be" after "teaching."
I think that you should include a story about you valuing the quality of effort when you were in high school. You wrote about when you were in elementary and middle school but not in high school. Elaborate on how you used your determination to succeed in high school. Don't forget to reread your essay for any grammatical errors.
You can trim the end of your first paragraph about your likes. Just focus on your engineering interest. When you list the chemicals for your rocket, i don't think you need to be that specific. Admission officers won't know what they are and would care less about what you need to shoot rockets. I dom't know how many words you need it shortened down to so this is all I can contribute.
Reading your essay, the topic seemed too general and mundane. You are applying to UC Berkeley so in my opinion this essay wouldn't benefit you in any way. To make your essay more effective, you have to specify on what leadership roles you have taken and elaborate on your roles. I really didn't feel like you had a big impact in activities that you managed. Every students applying has stellar academics and extracurriculars so I wouldn't mention it in your first paragraph. If you can fix these problems, i have no doubt that your essay will be superb.
In your first paragraph of the first prompt, you should specify who had encouraged you to apply to the specific university instead of saying that your family has influenced to follow the best of opportunities. For your third prompt, write about a skill or knowledge that you have gained. You wrote mainly about your experiences and reactions. Your other essays seem fine. Also, reread your essays and fix some sentences with any grammatical errors and make some of them more understandable.
So... Are you trying to write about your accomplishments in dance or your accomplishment in overcoming your disability? Reading the first paragraph, it seemed like you were setting up your essay to write about your accomplishments in dance. Try editing your first paragraph so that it mentions your disability instead of the dance competition. This essay shows what you had to overcome but I'm kind if on the fence whether or not this essay would be better for the part where you write about your disability.
Elaborate on how your antique searching relates to your interests in film production. In my opinion, writing an anecdote about your accomplishments or experiences in film will make the essay more appropriate. Also I got confused when you mentioned business. Are you going to major in business and film production? Make your expressions clearer so that the readers can understand your interests.
Yeah, internet is a risky topic. In the beginning of your essay, I sensed that you were one of the many anti-social hermits that apply but as I continued to read further, your passions for writing showed. Depending on the admission officer, some will view this negatively and others will view this positively. Maybe deleting this sentence (I'm not ashamed to say that I've met people online whose friendship I value even more than those in my real life.) would be a safer route.
If you wrote this essay in your SAT, your score will be 7 or 8. To achieve double digit scores, you have to incorporate several SAT words. Even if you wrote this essay but changed some words into SAT words, you will receive at least a 9. Your lack of transitions make your essay very choppy. Improve on adding transitions from idea to idea or paragraph to paragraph.
To make your essay more effective, elaborate on this sentence ("I am no longer that money-driven child who prioritized income over passion.") in the beginning of your essay so that at the end of your essay, it feels like you have changed for the better. Overall, it tells what you did in and what you learned from your internship.
I enjoyed reading your essay and I can feel your interest in design. My suggestion for your essay would be to start and end your supplement with a story instead of ending your story in the first paragraph. Elaborate more on your last paragraph or just add your last sentence into the paragraph before it.
One error that I found was "mum." I would be safe and change it into American english: "mom." Overall, your essay seems to be free of any grammatical errors. Your essay flows very smoothly and answers the question beautifully. It's unique and bold to write about your "community." Good luck on your application!
Your essay is more fitting to the background or story question. I got confused from your second to third paragraph. So your father screamed, "surprise" but then your mother cried because of his death? Write about your father's death in the beginning of your third paragraph. I didn't know what happened to your father until your second to last paragraph. Also, don't forget to have your grammatical errors fixed by your teachers!
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