Undergraduate / Interest letter to UChicago: "It has been a while since I received the deferral decision" [2]

After being deferred, this is a letter to update UChicago on my current activities and to show my continued interest. My problem is that it's way too long. There is not a specific word limit, but please help me cut as much as possible. Cut anything that you deem unnecessary.

Dear Admission Officer at UChicago,

It has been a while since I received the deferral decision from UChicago. I would like to provide some new progress of myself as well as my continued interest in attending University of Chicago.

I am on the alpine ski team again this year. I joined my school's varsity alpine ski team last year, though I had never put on a ski in my life. Starting by learning how to get up when I fell, I began to put weight on my skis, to constantly look up and look forward, to adjust my body posture and lean forward. I leaned into discomfort and uneasiness so I could beat them, and this is what I continue to do everyday. I believe the lessons that I learn from athletics and skiing are the most important: I may fall, but giving up is never a choice; I can always get up, persevere, push my limits, and finish the course.

I have also been investing a lot of my time working on a video project for Asian Student Alliance. Inspired by the "Why Chinese Students Don't Party" on Youtube, I am collecting from American students questions they have towards many International students, like why they are always studying, or why they speak only their native languages amongst themselves. I also used my blog and the Student Opinion section of the newspaper to solicit responses from students. This project has proven to be rewarding so far, because many commented that it provides a two-way communication for both American and international students.

In addition, I will present at the national conference of National Coalition of Girls' Schools a prior research on girls' academic self-confidence. Together with two other girls, we will be the only student presenters in history.

I continue to dream attending UChicago. I fell in love with literature in 10th grade. As I dug deeper into the study of literature, I became fascinated with sociological and cultural studies through the lens of literature. Since Com. Lit at UChicago examines a broad body of global "texts" (images, music, etc.), in combination with its focus on literary and cultural theories, it perfectly suits my desire for a theory-focused education in literary and cultural studies that don't ascribe to any form of ethnocentrism. Since I must deal with materials in its native language, I also want to reconnect with Chinese literary traditions. I also wish perfect my French skills through studying abroad, and venture into the field of Francophone literatures, which are previously unfamiliar to me. This interdisciplinary approach to learning and knowledge, as emphasized by the Core as well, makes learning the most exciting to me.

I also have a passion for social justice work, and UChicago's civic engagement with Chicago neighborhoods has truly impressed me. Volunteering is only one way to go about improving the surrounding community. I also plan to involve in sociological research, and understand the limitations educational opportunities for children across all cultures and socio-economic backgrounds in Chicago. Finally, I will take advantage of the Journalism internship opportunities to fuse my love of words and concern for social justice. It's both UChicago's passion for knowledge and the institution's ideology to "do good for the world," that matters to me.

Equipped with diverse cultural experiences, Chinese literary studies, and sociological research skills, and social work experiences, I want to eventually return to China and become a social advocate. Since China is a racially homogeneous society, and social studies are largely ignored in the Chinese education system, many native Chinese are ignorant towards multiculturalism. I want to write books in Chinese specifically on cultural diversity and gender issues, and to question disturbing social norms and push for changes in discriminatory social attitudes. Though I may find many surprises along this journey of intellectual discoveries and personal growths at UChicago, I believe it will shape me into the social reformer whom I have always dreamt of becoming.

Thank you for your time.

Best,
Heng Qin

Undergraduate / UMich short response, describe a community. "I am the boat." [2]

I need help cutting down 8 words... Thanks!
Will critique back!

Essay #1 (Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it.

During my second year as a rower, I was in the same boat with Grace, Eve and Milly; they were all novices. It was windy during our first day on the water. Scared, Milly could not coordinate her legs and arms. I asked the coxswain to have us start rowing by the bow pair. "Arms pull, back leans backward, legs push," I broke down the motions by parts, and asked Milly to follow me. And I did the same demonstrations for Grace and Eve.

We developed an unparalleled team spirit. We ergged together, ran together and even swam in the river together. Whether under the scorching sun or pouring rain, I was the cheerleader, and always pushed my boat-mates to go beyond their limits. Starting as a sixth boat, we gradually moved up to the third boat. I was excited to enter our ranking race with the soon - to - be fourth boat, and proposed to move our from 30 to a 33 after 2/3 of the course.

"3, 2, 1, ready, go!"
Our seats are sliding, our oars pushing through the waves. Grace is in the stern, and she controls the stroke rate. Eve is in the bow, and she is probably soaked. I have to focus on Milly's motions in order to set mine in unison. We are not four; we are one. The more coordinated we are, the smoother this boat will be. I am rowing; I am also gliding on the water. I am not just in the boat - I am the boat.

Happy new year everyone :)

Undergraduate / "Where are you from?"; Yale and Harvard supp: write about anything. [3]

Please critique!! Will critique back :)
This is due literally tomorrow, and I would appreciate ANY FEEDBACK

Yale: In this essay, please reflect on something you would like us to know about you that we might not learn from the rest of your application, or on something about which you would like to say more. You may write about anything-from personal experiences or interests to intellectual pursuits. (Please answer in 500 words or less.)

Harvard: You may wish to include an additional essay if you feel that the college application forms do not provide sufficient opportunity to convey important information about yourself or your accomplishments.

"Where are you from?"
"Hangzhou, China." . . . Except not really.

I wish to tell the full story of myself, including my stays with seven different host families over periods ranging from ten days to a year. This is a part of me that blends China with Colorado, New Jersey, Montana, Wisconsin, Connecticut, and Costa Rica, Chinese with Chinese Americans, Mexican Americans, and European Americans. I myself have become a member of seven different families with whom I am not biologically connected whatsoever.

During my freshman year, I stayed with a Lutheran host family in Milwaukee. I attended chapels everyday at school and a lutheran church with my host family every sunday. After a while, I noticed that all of the chapel speakers, who were usually faculty members, were males. I first brought up this question on our drive back home to my host family mother: "mom, why has there never been a female speaker at chapel?"

"I don't know. Most lutheran schools in our area don't allow female speakers," her response was casual, but I have not dropped this complex issue ever since. During my ten - day stay at my roommate's house in Princeton on Thanksgiving of 2012, I witnessed her constantly getting shut up by her dad when she tried to join his conversation with her brother on politics. One time, I followed her to her room. She closed the door, turned around and faced me; I saw tears rolling in her eyes. "It's despairing to realize that you don't belong to where you come from," she murmured.

I understood her powerlessness. During the summer before junior year, I stayed with a Chinese American family in Denver. Someone brought up the topic, "diversity in school," at dinner, and the host dad commented authoritatively: "That's bullshit . . . Most black people are just born to be less smart." Across the dinner table, I knew I was not in the power position to say anything.

Over these past three and half years, I have grown fascinated with sociology because of the people whom I have met. I read many sociology literatures in my spare time, and am pretty much a self-educated social justice fighter. At that moment, however, I felt immensely powerless. It was not the first time I heard such comment, and last time it was exactly the same words, from my biological dad. I realized that, despite how much I have talked, I still have much left to say, to do.

Coming from China, a socially homogeneous country, I was ignorant towards people different from myself. Whether talking with a street jewelry vendor in Montana or chatting under two layers of quilts with my immigrant friend because her family couldn't afford to turn on the heater, my interactions with diverse people have made the imperfections in the world troubles of my own. They have ignited in me a desire to start social changes; they strip me to the core and leave me a heart unsatisfied with where I was from and inspired by where I can be.

word count: 458

Undergraduate / I read "Opposite of Loneliness" - yale supp: why yale and a bunch of short answers [4]

Please critique! Will critique back.

1.) What in particular about Yale has influenced your decision to apply? (Please answer in 100 words or less.)
I read "Opposite of Loneliness" by Marina Keegan'12 on a snowy midnight. I looked up to the bottomless sky. I kept thinking what if I could be part of the immense energy at the Ingalls Rink, of the endless intellectual challenges offered through the Directed Studies, of the many interconnected circles from the residential colleges, the four cultural centers, the freshman seminars, the journalism initiatives and many more. This giant web that Marina kept referring to - it only seems so natural that I am part of this whole, that I am a Yalie myself.

count: 96

2.) Please respond in 150 characters (roughly 25 words) or fewer to each of the questions below:
a. You have been granted a free weekend next month. How will you spend it?Camping out in a secluded area without cellphone or computer. Lying in the tent, I will imagine myself a big bug while reading Metamorphosis by Kafka.

b. What is something about which you have changed your mind in the last three years?My intended college major. It changed from business and engineering, to history and international relations, to philosophy and literature.

c. What is the best piece of advice you have received while in high school?"you should pursue something because you want to, not because you evaluate a pursuit as making some sort of sense."

d. What do you wish you were better at being or doing?Understanding popular music. I don't listen to music with words because the musicality overshadows the lyrics, and I fail to distinguish the words.

tell me if this makes sense, I really struggled to explain it in 25 words...

e. What is a learning experience, in or out of the classroom, that has had a significant impact on you? this one needs to cut down...A black friend called me out for being a racist when I joked that he looked like a starving African. After two daysof self-blaming and self-denial, I thanked him for educating me.

I would really like to add the bolded part in but don't have enough words. sad face :(

Undergraduate / Why Swarthmore: "I want to get lost in the wonderful multitude of a liberal arts education [4]

This one is a long one, so I really appreciate your feed back. I will critique back :) Any constructive criticism is welcomed.

Please write about why you are interested in applying to and attending Swarthmore. (500 limit, currently 481)
On a fine march morning in 2013, I visited Swarthmore College. Sitting absent-mindedly, I caught the admission representative describing the sense of "super - intellectualism" at Swarthmore. I subsequently wrote down on my notebook page "super - intellectualism," with "super" underlined and bolded. This love-at-first-sight has not failed me, for I have since discovered the multitude of this institution, of Swatties, and of a Swarthmore spirit.

Swarthmore is in the Crum woods and the Scott Arboretum. In these spaces students have gatherings, classes or outdoor running sessions, and these programs represent Swarthmore's commitment to conserve and preserve. An outdoor athlete and environmentalist myself, I always strive to look for inspirations in Nature. By getting involved in the Sustainability Committee and other student groups, I will work to preserve Nature. While every year Swatties light up candles in a campus tradition, my contribution to environmental issues is how I ensure that my love for the land stays illuminated.

Swarthmore is in the Intercultural Center(IC). Recognized as one of the most diverse liberal arts colleges, Swarthmore's dedicated to democratic ideals but does not seek after "harmony." While I enjoy small-town quietness, I also fear suburban homogeneity. Swarthmore offers me the bright side of both. I believe IC - sponsored events, such as the IC Speaker Series on Race, Class, Gender and Sexuality, and the IC - affiliated student diversity groups will facilitate good conversations and sometimes necessary confrontations.

Swarthmore is in the Train Station. While enjoying the small classroom size and peaceful suburban surrounding, I know Swarthmore can also lead me to a bigger world. Whether I take classes at University of Pennsylvania or observe buildings in Philadelphia for an architecture class, the train station at Swarthmore, and the institution itself, will connect me to a world of opportunities and adventures.

Last and most importantly, Swarthmore is in the paintings hanging in the Kitao Art Gallery. For me Swarthmore is an equilateral polygon, denoting the discussion-focused classrooms. Through this single shape, individuals at all corners of the shapes contribute to conversations and the collective knowledge. When I enter Swarthmore, I can learn for learning's sake; I will not have to burden myself with grades because I will have a semester of only pass-and-fail classes. Additionally, using the first - year seminar as a bridge, I will formally develop learning skills and have access to a world of knowledge. Swarthmore has robust programs in all of my interested academic subjects, including cognitive science, philosophy, sociology, world literature, gender studies and environmental studies (it's like we are meant for each other). This might sound odd, but I want to get lost; I want to get lost in the wonderful multitude of a Swarthmore education.

Undergraduate / Rice short essays - "Why the school of social sciences" and "why rice" [5]

I am applying to the school of social sciences.
(1)With the understanding that the choice of academic school you indicated is not binding, explain why you are applying to that particular school of study. (150 word limit)

I am boundlessly fascinated by people. I love observing: why people of various races and ethnicities sometimes self-segregate in the dining hall, how people of different genders view home cuisine, or how parents of varying socio-economic statuses educate children differently. I am applying to the School of Social Sciences because I hope to learn more about humans' inter-personal behaviors. By taking courses on social inequality and participating in the many Gateway opportunities, I will apply my theoretical knowledge and analytical skills to solve tangible challenges that our society faces today.

I am also extremely interested in linguistics and the philosophy of the mind, which leads me to the cognitive science program. The cognitive science program in the School of Social Sciences will satisfy all of my interests with a potential concentration on humanities subjects such as linguistics or philosophy.

(2)What motivated you to apply to Rice University? (200 word limit) Need help cutting down 8 words...

I believe in the power of Rice's democratic ideals. I want to participate in the award - winning student newspaper, the Rice Thresher, to contribute my voice on campus. Additionally, the honors code demonstrates the mutual trusts between all members of the community, which is also why as a member of the honors committee, I helped initiate the signing of honor codes on all assessments at my school.

Rice can best suit my expectations of an urban and international experience. Rice's location in Houston will give me access to the many local attractions such as the Houston Zoo. The Kinder Institute for Urban Research is one example through which I can involve in local community and use the urban setting for my interests in sociological researches. I also want to take advantage of Rice's newly reformed language program to continue my studies in French language and culture, and apply for summer language study abroad scholarships.

Lastly, Rice's student body celebrates diversity in every sense of the word. Whether studying with a friend in library on Friday nights (granted this doesn't happen at a lot of schools), or talking about slavery economy outside the Brochstein Pavilion, I want to befriend people across all social identifiers, and I know Rice can make this can happen.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - "I am a fighter" - Identity background or story [4]

Thanks!! Will write back if you help edit or just offer some comments on my essay.

Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

I have always been a fighter. I left my home in China, and arrived at Wisconsin Lutheran High School(WLHS) when I was 15-year-old. Speaking little English and knowing nothing about popular TV shows, I often stood outside American students' friend circle, perplexed and not knowing what to do. I fought, but failed, to overcome our differences.

Had I been equipped with better English skills, this process would probably have been easier. A year later I transferred to an all-girls boarding school, and I was able to connect with more friends. On a winter morning I walked into our dining hall. At one table sat a group of juniors, all of whom were my American friends. At the adjacent table sat two Chinese girls, who enthusiastically greeted me: "Hey Amber! Come sit over here." My American friends, Julia and Emily, turned around, waved at me but didn't say anything.

For a lot of girls this would merely be the action of choosing one group of friends over the other. Yet for me it was exactly the predicament with which I had struggled throughout my high school years: I liked my American friends, yet to sit with them was to "abandon" my ethnic origin, my roots. So I decided to take a different route. I awkwardly stood between the two tables and laughed self-deprecatingly: "Why am I so popular? I don't even know which table I should sit at!" Julia and Emily's laughter dissolved the tension, and they invited everyone to sit at their table instead.

Sometimes the division between the "us" and the "them" is more challenging to tackle. In the beginning of this semester, an American girl performed a feminist poem in front of the entire school. In her emotional delivery she described the harsh conditions still faced by many women in the world, one of which was that "women in China have to wear black-haired stockings to avoid rape." This single line angered the Chinese student community to an extreme, for the black-hair stockings are merely a running joke on Chinese internet. Without any context it was a misrepresentation of China as a culturally backward society, and many American students took it in without a doubt.

Many of the Chinese students feared to overreact. We were infuriated, yet we were also afraid to be the trouble-makers. "But I am ready to fight," I said in a conversation with international student advisor, "I am not going to let go." In fact I knew so many Chinese students before us who had similar experience, but they chose to shake heads and ignore. Had they done something, this probably would not have happened. So I stood up in front of the entire school, holding a carefully worded script, my hands slightly sweaty. I started out by clarifying the misconception and went on to encourage two-way communications: "if boarding school has helped us establish long-term relationships, why not use them to inform each other? Aren't honesty and open-mindedness our most effective weapons to tackle our fear of the unknown, of 'the other'?"

Indeed there has been many accomplishments of which I am proud throughout high school - varsity sports letters, academic awards, leadership positions - yet it was such moments, when I fought to dissolve the unseen boundaries, that made me happy with the person whom I have become. When I rise to the challenges, my goal is never to fight against somebody, since that only leads to alienation. I hope to fight for something, for gender equality and racial justice, for something that affects me and many others. The road forward will consist of clashes and conflicts for sure, but as Brendan Kennelly, a great Irish poet, once said:"if [I] want to serve the age, [I must] betray it."

word count: 624

Undergraduate / Why Johns Hopkins - "The Profile of a Hopkin's Student" [4]

Hi,

Thank you very much for reading this essay. I took an a little unconventional approach and imagine myself a freshman at Johns Hopkins, and the essay is a profile of my freshman self with reflections of high school. I hope I make this clear enough in the intro, otherwise the essay might be a little confusing.

Johns Hopkins University was founded in 1876 on a spirit of exploration and discovery. As a result, students can pursue a multi-dimensional undergraduate experience both in and outside of the classroom. Given the opportunities at Hopkins, please discuss your current interests-academic or extracurricular pursuits, personal passions, summer experiences, etc.-and how you will build upon them here. (300-500 Word limit).

Resources for prospective applicant: The Profile of a Hopkin's Student

This is my second semester at Hopkins, and I have thoroughly enjoyed my time. If you are a humanities or a social & behavioral sciences student like me, don't be intimated by the popular "only-good-for-medicine" impression of Hopkins. In high school I had a broad range of interests in statistics, linguistics, philosophy, psychology, comparative literature, and cultural and gender studies, or I was just fascinated by life in general.

One of my favorite things to do during high school and even now is to observe people: how people of various races and ethnicities sit in the dining hall, how people of different genders view home cuisine, or how parents of varying socio-economic statuses educate children differently. I plan to develop my "observational skills" into formal research skills. I am applying for one of the research funding award that will allow to me pursue independent sociology research with a faculty member in my sophomore year, and Baltimore proves to be a great area for conducting such research. I want to research on how children of varying socio-economic status responds to unreasonable command and criticism, and this topic is actually inspired by my volunteer work with the JHU tutorial Project.

Since arriving at Hopkins, I have been working with the JHU Tutorial Project, which provides academic support for elementary students . In this upcoming summer, I am applying for the Community Impact Internships Program (CIIP) to gain experience in a paid, in-depth volunteer work. And this is another cool thing about Hopkins: we are incredibly committed to our local area. When I was in high school, I was the president of my school's community service club, a well - respected leadership position, and initiated many volunteer projects with local food pantries and senior centers. I believe that an institution is obligated to promoting the well - being of its immediate as well as global community. To that end I have always been trying to contribute my power through extensive volunteering.

In addition to volunteer opportunities, Hopkins provides abundant leadership opportunities. I aspire to participate in the Mentoring Assistance Peer Program (MAPP) program in my sophomore year, and become a positive influence to many incoming freshmen by helping to ease their transition here. A peer counselor at my private high school, I was formally trained to help new students transition into a boarding school experience and mediate peer conflicts. I thoroughly enjoyed the experience because it makes me feel an important part of this tight - knit community.

If you haven't realized this already, know that students here are extremely multi - faceted, and you will probably find yourself like many other students on campus in at least one, if not more, aspects. And if that still doesn't convince you to attend Johns Hopkins, please feel free to email me at ___________. (this is supposed to be my email address at Hopkins if I were a student there, but this forum doesn't allow links, so I put underscores there instead.)

Undergraduate / Swarthmore: what you will bring - my writer self [2]

I want to thank you first for spending your time and reading this essay! I also have a quick question: do you think in this essay the admission officer is expecting me to refer more to Swarthmore? I just made this one completely personal, because there is another essay that asks specifically "why swarthmore."

prompt: Swarthmore's residential liberal arts community is shaped by its intellectually and culturally vibrant members, who come together to learn and grow through their shared and unique experiences. Briefly discuss how your academic and life experiences would inform, affect, and strengthen our community of thinkers. (500 word limit)

As I grew up, I observed the world through the lens of a writer. In middle school, I was the rebellious kid in school; I stayed up playing computer games, never did my homework, and screwed up all of my assessments. In 8th grade, the 2008 global economic crisis hit, and my mother's steel company went into bankruptcy. She fell into a depression that took years to recover, yet in the midst of that winter I offered her no help. To escape my family's daily struggles, I started blogging and buried myself in my limited observations of the world around me.

Upon graduating from middle school in China, I went to study in Wisconsin Lutheran High School. The struggle of being away from home was, however, grueling. One day after school, my host mom forgot to pick me up, leaving me in the 30 - degree weather for nearly an hour. That night I sat down in front of my laptop and updated my blog. I angrily pounded my keyboards, for I could not drop that feeling of abandonment. ". . . But she also looked rather fatigue, and just had her nurse night shift the day before," I paused, and went back and deleted the previous paragraph, the angry me. In writing I make peace with myself; I keep exploring so from the negative self I can grow a new one, one that is more astute, more introspective, more genuine.

Writing also teaches me to look bigger and think deeper into my surrounding environment. The other day I watched the movie About Time, which led me to consider the fluidity of time. "So if time is a four-dimensional axis," I later wrote in my blog, "is every moment of our life a little cube, placed on the axis of time that traverses through the past and the future?" Indeed it's not only the idea of time, but also how we view time, that fascinates me. "As the watches and clocks become more accurate, we always hurry to catch the right time mark. Is time itself or are the people themselves responsible for the constant hustle?" I never cease to ponder when I write.

Thus writing for me is both peaceful and stirring. It is the best combination of thoughts and feelings, and of rationality and spontaneity. When I arrive at Swarthmore, I will bring the writer in me - the one who carefully observes how people of various races and ethnicities socialize, the one who loudly criticizes reality TV shows through a feminist perspective, the one who writes love letters to people, friends and strangers alike, in her life. I will bring to Swarthmore part of the whole, the future class of 2018, a part that's named Amber only.