Research Papers / Research paper on Mormons! [20]

That's what's nice about forums -- so much can be resolved by dialogue. Islam in prison has often been responsible for profound transformations of irresponsible young men into thoughtful adults. As I mentioned above, The Autobiography of Malcolm X details his transformation from a careless hoodlum, then known as Detroit Red, into an introspective and politically aware man. He continued that process after prison, eventually breaking from the Nation of Islam (also known as the Black Moslems) after his own sojourn to Mecca and around Africa led him to embrace a more multi-racial vision of social justice.

And so it can go either way. Regardless of the religion in question, conversion in prison can lead to genuine self-reflective change but can also lead to extremism. For example, there is an explicitly racist version of Christianity, known as the Christian Identity movement, that is popular among some white inmates.

I would question the assumption that everyone in prison is there because he or she has done wrong. As the Innocence Project has demonstrated via DNA, many people have been unjustly convicted of even the most extreme crimes (where one might think that especial care would be taken to convict the correct person, since failing to do so leaves the real criminal free to commit further mayhem). Given the demonstrated instability of eye-witness testimony, one has to assume that the rate of false convictions for minor crimes is at least as high. In cases of unjust conviction, religion serves not to turn a criminal's life around but, rather, to help the unjustly imprisoned survive and make sense of such a traumatic experience.

Essays / Comment on a Henry David Thoreau quote [8]

Yes, that is much stronger! In general, we tend to say "it" when we are being vague. Taking the time to specify what "it" is often leads to much more effective prose.

Graduate / Conflict resolution and peace study - Statement of Purpose for PhD in IR [4]

Given that you have such a strong background and are such a good match for the program to which you are applying, I assume that what you want from us are style editing tips.

I'm ambivalent about your first sentence. I understand why you wrote it as you did, but I feel that it weakens rather than paves the way for what follows. Perhaps that's because "am" is not an action verb. I'd encourage you to either come up with a more vivid first sentence or just start with "For the past 21 years..."

One statement I think needs clarification: "I began my study of peace by joining the profession of arms in the United States Military Academy." Few people set out to study peace by joining the army. Why not tell the reader by what reasoning you determined that path of action?

In so doing, you would begin to address my one overriding critique of this statement, which is that, while it describes your experience very thoroughly, it gives the reader no sense of you as a person who did and lived through all of these things. I'm not suggesting you bleed on the page, just that you allow the reader a glimpse of the unique, breathing, thinking person who made all of these choices and now wants to take the step of getting a PhD. Remember, admissions committees for graduate programs generally include the scholars who will be working with the students. They like to have a sense of the person behind the CV, if you know what I mean.

Writing Feedback / descriptive essay-The heart of the Matter. [6]


Your sentence and paragraph structures are generally sound, but you make minor word errors that, in accumulation, diminish the effectiveness of your prose. You sometimes omit words or commas, as follows:

She is currently attending Heald college, and because of all her hard work in school she will be graduating with her medical assistant degree this coming October.

Despite of her challenges in life, she continues to aim for the best.

It is a blessing to have her as my sister because then I can brag to everyone how lucky I am to have a sister like her.

One way to catch missing words and commas is to read your essay out loud to yourself. You will notice any extra or missing words more easily than by reading silently. Similarly, commas signal pauses, so you will know that you need to add a comma if you feel like pausing but there is no comma to tell you to do so. If a comma tells you to pause when it feels odd to pause, maybe that comma is unnecessary or misplaced.

Essays / Comment on a Henry David Thoreau quote [8]

I like this but am confused by the last sentence. What is the "it" that we can only see in hindsight? (In general, when using a pronoun such as "it," the noun or noun phrase for which the pronoun stands ought to be in a preceding sentence.)

Writing Feedback / Essay on the Types of Germs - bacteria [22]

Again, "an ancient from life" should be "an ancient form of life.

I see that, while your information is comprehensive and your organization is fine, you are struggling with verbs and plurals. So, in your study, focus on those areas. For this essay, here are a few correction you can make.

TheB acteria are the most common way of getting diseases.

When a person is exposed to an infected animal, he/she gets this type of disease . In addition, there are many ways to become infected

There are several ways people can keep themselves away from viral diseases.

The fungi kingdom includemany kinds such as the yeasts, molds, smuts and mushrooms.

The little child had his own dog, who was named Dopy.

The father went with his son to the doctor to diagnose his situation.

Also, I notice that you like to count when making your points. That's fine to do in moderation, but you should work on learning other ways of moving through lists of facts.

Research Papers / Research paper on Mormons! [20]

Well, if that was what Notoman was talking about, the fact is well known and there is no need for a citation. As documented in Malcolm X's best-selling autobiography and a host of books and movies, the Nation of Islam has very successfully and deliberately encouraged conversion to Islam among imprisoned African Americans for decades.

Undergraduate / If you were refrained one year from going to college, what would you do? [3]

I like your distinction between stubborn tenacity and determined tenacity!

But I worry that this narrative is not quite what the school would like to read. The focus on obtaining residency in order to lower your tuition is practical for you but will not make you look like an especially desirable student to the school. I'm guessing that what they would like to see is whether you would do something of substance in that year. While your answer does demonstrate tenacity -- all that it seems you would do is focus on getting into that school -- I'm suspecting that they would like to see some spark of individuality, some sign of a wide range of interests, some sense that you truly would improve yourself over that year.

So, think about it: What could you do other than continuing to try out for football and obtaining residency? After moving, could you involve yourself in the community, perhaps by volunteering? Could you take a community college course to improve your academic skills? Is there some particular subject that you could study on your own in order to be better prepared when you do enter college?

Research Papers / Research paper on Mormons! [20]


If the data support that conclusion, it is not biased to state it. Sometimes people feel like it is never acceptable to refer to race or ethnicity. But, actually, it is perfectly acceptable to reference race accurately. I believe that the Mormon church has specifically targeted prisoners in its conversion efforts. If it has had particular success among African American prisoners, it is perfectly acceptable to state that fact, provided you back up the assertion with a citation.

Research Papers / Research paper on Mormons! [20]

Notoman, your close reading and careful comments leave me very little to add!

I would say that I like the comparison with other religions insofar as they have all faced persecution. This makes the paper more than a rote recitation of the history of the religion, which is a relatively well known story. I'd like to see you keep that part, but omit your personal opinion and strengthen the transition from the history to the comparison. You might also want to make reference to the comparison to come in your introduction so that it will not feel so jarring to the reader when it arrives.

Writing Feedback / Essay on the Types of Germs - bacteria [22]

When quoting, be sure to cite the source of the quotation, either by naming the author in the sentence or by placing citation information in parentheses after the quote. Always, you will give the author's last name and the page number on which the quote appears. Some citation styles also require you to provide the year of publication. At the end of the essay, you provide more complete citation information, as required by the citation style that your instructor prefers.

So:
The first type of germ is bacteria, which are defined as "they are organisms, microscopes in nature; they are unicellular and reproduce asexually" (citation information).

Also, be very careful to reproduce the quotation accurately. I suspect that the quote uses the word "microscopic" rather than "microscopes."

Also, double-check your facts. 80% of all bacteria live in human bodies? That doesn't sound right to me.

In general, I'd like to see you take more care. Over and over I see errors such as "an ancient from life" when you mean "an ancient form of life" and "takes his sin to the doctor" when you mean "takes his son to the doctor." There are so many errors like this that I can't tell which are due to lack of knowledge -- in which case I want to help -- and which are due to sloppy proofreading, in which case all you need to do to correct the problem is to be more mindful. So, what I would like you to do is to proofread your piece very carefully and then post a cleaned-up version for us to critique.

Writing Feedback / descriptive essay-The heart of the Matter. [6]

You are, indeed, lucky to have such a sister. This is a lovely character sketch, but I worry that it may fall short in some areas if what your instructor wants is a descriptive essay. You have used many strong adjectives to describe your sister's personality, and that's excellent. But I notice that I have no idea what your sister looks like. For me, there's a blank at the center of this essay because I cannot visualize its subject.

It's hard for readers to identify with people they cannot visualize. And, in descriptive essays, teachers like to see sensory imagery -- details that refer to sight, sound, touch, taste, or smell; such details make descriptions much more vivid and individual.

So, please cut some of the vague statements such as your first sentence in order to make room for such details. At minimum, tell us what your sister looks like. You might, for example, say whether she is tall or short, thin or plump, or what kind of clothes she likes to wear. Is there anything about how she looks that makes her stand out from the crowd? Moving on to other senses, is her voice harsh or soothing, loud or soft? Does she always wear a certain scent?

Staying with the subject of details, your instructor might also want to see some examples that illustrate the adjectives you use in describing your sister. You say that she is an "uptight, strict sister" and also that she has a "friendly personality." Is there any little incident that shows why you say these things? Again, to make room, you could omit some of the sentences that aren't really about your sister, such as "Everyone should surround themselves to this kind of person because they show positive attitude towards others as well as success in school or at work."

Good luck!

Essays / How can i decrible the graph [6]

I think most spell checkers will also catch the problem of attaching punctuation marks to the word they precede rather than the word they follow. So, yes, please do get in the habit of always using spell check!

Essays / Louis Riel hero or villan question; He is a HERO! [4]

Well, first you have to decide what you want to say. What is your thesis? Why do you think he was a hero? Once you know that, you can decide what supporting evidence you will cite in your essay. At five paragraphs, you should have one paragraph of introduction, including a thesis that lists three reasons you think he was a hero. Each of those three arguments should be supported in a separate paragraph, leaving you one more paragraph for your conclusion.

Faq, Help / Is there a website like this for essays in espańol? [8]

Did you try Googling?

Faq, Help / Is there a website like this for essays in espańol? [8]

I don't know of any, myself. I wish I could be more helpful, since you are always so helpful to other users. Maybe someone else will know of a good resource.

Writing Feedback / Traveling in a group led by a tour guide give us a safe, useful and exciting excursion & save time [7]

This is your first essay? I can hardly believe that. It's very good. You follow the instructions very well, providing specific reasons and examples within a well organized essay with a clear introduction and conclusion.

I have just a few corrections.

traveling in a group led by a tour guide makes our trip more enjoyable

Tours have lots of interesting group activities.

when we are on the way to place that we decided to visit ,

tour guides know where is not dangerous to go.
--or--
the tour guide knows where is not dangerous to go.

arranging the schedule

If we travel but do not have tour guides,

Writing Feedback / Help with a paragraph about marketing claims [7]

I agree with Kevin. Your English is very strong. I'll just add one more to his list of excellent suggestions:

Claims that are not capable of substantiation may be mislead readers.

Undergraduate / Spinning my life events into academic potential - Letter of academic intent [12]

This is very strong. To add credibility, be sure -- in the real version, not here -- to name the organization with which you worked in Africa.

When I was reading the second paragraph, I was thinking, "Journalism? That's perfect!" Journalists do what you did when going to Egypt -- go out to find out. So, to personalize that paragraph, I'd tie it to the first and maybe talk a bit about how your personal characteristics and desires suit you well for the endeavor of journalism.

In the third paragraph, I'm thinking that not only "sound mind and body" but basic stability are necessary for academic success. I like how you take responsibility for your past difficulties, saying that you let your academics slip, but I think it would also be okay to state that the kind of chaos associated with three homes in two years is not conducive to academic success, no matter how dedicated the student. Or, even if you don't say it, know it: It's remarkable that you got through school at all under such circumstances. To then go on to do good works for others was indeed an achievement, perhaps more substantial than any academic success might have been. I feel certain that admissions officers will feel the same way.

Essays / How can i decrible the graph [6]

Be careful to place your punctuation marks correctly and to space between your words and after every punctuation mark:

Instead of
summer ;then
you should have
summer; then

Instead of
winter.Afterthat
you should have
winter. After that

Your writing is good and, other than the spacing problem, your punctuation is correct.

Just a couple of corrections:

Instead of
Among of towns ,town C...
you should write
Among all of the towns, town C...

Instead of
the same as other towns ,the town D`s water comsumption is qiuite high
you should have
T he same as the other towns,the town D consumes a lot of water.

Writing Feedback / Socials Essay: Robespierre and Cromwell Which is a more effective leader? [7]

You've got a lot of good ideas. Now that you've come up with several new paragraphs, I'm having a hard time envisioning how it all fits together. Make sure that the essay as a whole is coherent and well organized.

As to sentence fragments, it's okay to use them sparingly for effect, as you do with the one-word sentence, "Ironic" and your introductory sentences. But then you must be very careful not to have any accidental fragments or other grammatical errors, as this will make it look like the deliberate fragments are also errors.

So, for example, you need to say "two revolutionary heroes" instead of "two revolution heroes" and "Robespierre walked that road after he started the Great Reign of Terror" instead of "ever since he started..."

As for substance, I'm not at all sure that the people of Ireland would agree with you about Cromwell, but you have made your case coherently.

Writing Feedback / Socials Essay: Robespierre and Cromwell Which is a more effective leader? [7]

I like your lively writing style. What is your teacher like? I ask because you start with a series of sentence fragments. Usage of fragments for effect is allowed, but sometimes teachers who are not themselves creative will downgrade essays that use such techniques. So, you may want to rephrase your introduction into full sentences, just to be sure.

"And now, onto how they lost their power." -- This transition is weak after so much strong writing.

I see why you are dissatisfied with the conclusion. I'm not sure you've presented such a strong case that the reader "has to agree" that Cromwell was a better and more effective leader. Also, I don't like the sudden shift to second person (addressing the reader as "you").

Writing Feedback / War -- victor or no victor? [45]

Mustafa, You seem so very upset. Please do let us know what happened.

Undergraduate / Applying to Rutgers Fall 09; 'vibrant and vivacious community' [11]

Lead with your experience running your own green business -- you'll get points both for initiative and for having practical experience in green technology. It's one thing to proclaim dedication to the environment (almost everybody does these days), but quite another to know how to design and install photovoltaic systems.

One caution, though: I think you mean cultural diversity, not ambiguity.

Undergraduate / Spinning my life events into academic potential - Letter of academic intent [12]

Very good! You're leading with your strength and also drawing the reader in with dialogue.

Just a couple comments:

it's = it is

"At nineteen years old it was scary" would mean that "it" (the experience) was 19 years old. Instead say, "At nineteen years old, I felt scared, but..."

Undergraduate / 'Economics in Chengdu' - Letter of motivation to University of Amsterdam [13]

In English-speaking countries where there is a high level of hostility to immigrants, "foreigner" is often used pejoratively.

I'm glad you sent your essay off and wish you the best of luck with that and future applications!

Undergraduate / Spinning my life events into academic potential - Letter of academic intent [12]

The experiences you describe will make you a very attractive candidate to liberal arts colleges and to universities in general. You may need to tailor your letter to each school, highlighting the ways that what you have and want matches up with what they offer and want from students. Some schools have peace studies programs or cultural studies programs that especially look for students with your kind of curiosity and experience. Any school with a non-traditional program will also find your initiative and courage attractive.

Indeed, these qualities -- curiosity, courage, initiative, real-world experience -- are strengths that you should highlight even when applying to traditional programs. Many students take time off between high school and college. Most drift. Some do career-oriented work that serves only their own self interest. Very few take themselves to war-torn regions or go on humanitarian missions.

I'm particularly struck by your decision to go to Egypt, to get the other side of the story, after living for some time in Israel. This speaks to not only to your intellectual curiosity but also suggests a sincere wish to understand all sides of one of the most vexing disputes of our time. It also shows what kind of person you are. You didn't just take yourself to the library or go online to read about it: You took yourself to Egypt to see for yourself.

See how I've been singing your praises? This is how you want to present yourself. Start your letter with your strong points, and cover any weakness in your high school grades later, giving some reason, however obliquely stated, if they are really much lower than your abilities. By that point, the combination of your writing and your remarkable experiences will make the reader believe that those grades do not reflect your potential.

Good luck, feel free to ask further questions or post drafts for feedback, and don't forget to do your part on the forum by offering your advice to others!

Graduate / Statement of purpose for PhD in science Education [3]

Well, what you need to do is what you started to do here: Say why you want to go into science education and what your experience and background it. Definitely do include the optional statement, into which you can put anything that doesn't fit within "career goals and research interests, as well as your publications, work experience, and academic honors and organizations."

First step: List everything you want to say.
Next step: Organize these things into an outline.
Next step: Choose one story or fact to lead with, and use that to craft an introduction that will draw the reader in (rather than make him/her sigh with boredom at having to read one more application that sounds like all the others.

Next step: Draft the rest of the statement.

At any point, you can post things here for feedback. But, please do honor our ethos and, now that you've gotten some advice, be sure to visit other threads to give advice or feedback to others!

Poetry / William Blake Poetry Paper [23]

This is a coherent and carefully argued exegesis. I notice that Blake's way of phrasing things seems to have influenced your own style in this piece, which is different than your style in the other piece of yours that I've seen.

I'd like to see a stronger conclusion. I'm not sure what "the power of imagination
and creative energy must transpire beforehand" means, exactly. Also, the very last sentence seems an odd note on which to end the piece.

I see that you have done some cutting. I'd like to see you be even more ruthless, forcing yourself to punctuate those long, flowing sentences with at least a few concise sentences that go straight to the point. That will make the piece more readable, as people tend to tire of reading the same kinds of sentences over such a long piece. Also, the short sentences will have greater impact, so use them to make (or reiterate) your most important points.

Writing Feedback / a pretty short story, Return of satan [5]

Wow, this is a very interesting spin on the story of God, Satan, and Michael. Where did you get the idea? Which aspects of the plot are your own invention? If you've stuck closely to the plot of the work by another writer, you probably should give that writer credit by writing "Inspired by..." or "After... " (giving title and author) just after the title of your own piece.

Essays / Thesis statement about children with gay fathers - Need advice [8]

Your thesis is self-contradictory. You say that gay fathers are "not markedly different" but then list two differences, that they "try to create a more stable environment and more positive relationships." This is just a structural problem with how you have phrased the thesis. The idea itself -- that sexual orientation does not change the priorities of fathers and that, indeed, gay fathers may be even more motivated to create stable environments and positive relationships -- is sound and supported by research.

Undergraduate / brief essay explaining your educational and career goals [7]

Manish, to get help from others, you have to first provide feedback to two other users. Do that, and you will be able to start a new thread with your question. When you do that, be sure to use full words when saying what you need -- that will be good practice for writing whatever it is you need to write, as abbreviations and acronyms are not to be used (except in selected instances) in formal writing.

Book Reports / To Kill a Mockingbird - Self-respect and Injustice [8]

I would omit the sentence that starts "This quote means..." If you do keep that sentence, say something like "What Kennedy meant..." or omit the words "This quote means that," starting the sentence with "Whenever..."

I notice you sometimes leave out commas:

If the choices are good, the character...
If the choices are bad, it shows...

But "it shows" is a weak phrase, as is "it would" in the next sentence. Indeed, that whole string of sentences is weak. How can you make these sentences stronger? I'll do one, and then you or another user can try the others.

Characters demonstrate self-respect by making good choices.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay : Nowadays majority of people are trying to live in the cities [6]

This is very strong as an IELTS essay. Watch out for prepositions, articles, and verb tenses.

Results of a recent survey of five thousand individuals representingby the same age groups as that of previousa survey ten years ago have revealed a significant shift in preference concerning whether people want to live in the cities or in the towns.

The ratio of people who want to live in the cities has increased by 30% as compared to the previous survey.

Given that (omit comma) the composition of respondents is approximately the same as it was in the previous survey, and there is some overlapping population of respondents in the previous and the recent survey, this shift of preference may have profound implications for the future planning by the government.

There are variety of reasons of shift in preference by the same age group people to live in the cities.

I belong to a small town but shifted to a city soon after my A levels in order to pursue further studies, and have been living in the city since then.

Each has its own merits and demerits.
or
Both haveits own merits and demerits.

Writing Feedback / Test essay: Should children obey authority? [7]

Yes, the structure seems clear to me. In preparing for the exam, read some of the TOEFL and IELTS essays posted by other users on this site. Read the essay and all of the comments, to see the kinds of mistakes to avoid and to get tips on improving your own essays. Try to think of your own comments, as a way to practice thinking about writing.

Writing Feedback / Test essay: Should children obey authority? [7]

(I moved this to its own thread because it is a new essay.)

I like your image of "a sea of students" fighting with each other and becoming thieves and robbers.

I think that the essay would be stronger if you could give an example of both what you would consider an acceptable rule and what you would consider unacceptable restriction.

A few sample corrections:

"Whenever and wherever, the topic of how to educate the next generation is heatedly debated ."

"astray" is one word

"...these restrictions do harm for the development of students' minds ."

"teachers are supposed to give them useful advice ..."

Writing Feedback / "the disparity (gap) between rich and poor" - sample writing [4]

You seem to be coming down on the side of the anti-redistributionists, who you say attribute the gap between rich and poor to the structure of the economy. If the structure of the economy remains the same, only grows larger due to government stimulus, won't the gap due to the structure still be there?

A few grammar/punctuation fixes:

"According to the Human Development Reports of United Nations Development Program, the US has..."

"Statistics showing the gap between those who have and those who don't are impossible to overlook." -- the subject of the verb is "statistics," which is plural

"Some economists might argue..."

The sentence that begins "Since redistribution means..." runs on too long. Break it into two or more sentences.

Book Reports / To Kill a Mockingbird - Self-respect and Injustice [8]

Good!

... to suggest that by retaining self-respect

The characters through which she communicates this are...

As for your spotlight intro: Which scene in the book that illustrates your thesis stands out most strongly in your mind? Instead of quoting, you could describe that dramatic moment.

Grammar, Usage / Critical Thinking - to form well thought out and defensible arguments in papers [13]

Sean, I don't think I said what my position is, but you are right in assuming that I support reproductive autonomy for everybody. My personal feeling is close to that of Barack Obama, who uses what's called Rogerian reasoning when talking about this issue. (See! Back to critical thinking!) In Rogerian reasoning, one seeks to resolve a dispute, insofar as possible, by finding common ground. In addition to being a good kind of problem-solving, this allows one, as he does, to state one's own position after one has established some common ground with the opposition. It is thus especially effective in persuasive speech or writing.

How Obama uses Rogerian reasoning concerning abortion is by identifying the reduction of unwanted pregnancies as a goal that both sides can agree is essential. There's so much we could do to reduce unwanted pregnancies -- and, thereby, reduce abortions -- that we could be doing if we weren't spending so much time and money fighting for or against a woman's right to choose abortion. By stating his own antipathy for abortion, even as he respects a woman's right to make that choice, and by showing that he understands that once a woman is pregnant when she didn't want to be, the tragedy has already happened -- she's traumatized no matter what happens next -- Obama gains the ability to be listened to seriously by all except the most extreme on both sides. Hence, Rogerian reasoning is both a practical form of problem-solving and a useful rhetorical device.

Continuing on the subject of critical thinking, most composition textbooks will identify processes such as division and classification, comparison and contrast, and breaking down a process into its component parts as important cognitive abilities associated with good writing. Those who -- as I do -- work from within the perspective of ecocomposition believe that synthetic thinking -- the ability to put things together -- is just as important as critical thinking -- the ability to break things into their component parts. Ecocompositionists stress ecological thinking -- the ability to see the relationships among the components in complex systems -- as a vital cognitive ability whether one is writing about ecosystems or social/economic/psychological processess.

Grammar, Usage / Logical Fallacies (for debate and persuasive writing) [23]

Begging the Question: Framing the question so that what needs to be proved is assumed or, in other words, assuming that which has to be proved.

It drives me crazy, by the way, when people say "that begs the question..." when what they mean is "that raises the question." Immediately, that tells me that the speaker or writer is not well-educated enough to know what "beg the question" really means or is just too sloppy to care.