EF_Simone
May 26, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Economics in Chengdu' - Letter of motivation to University of Amsterdam [13]
Frederico,
Your idea for the conclusion is very charming, although I can also see why you felt uncomfortable with it. I think that an admissions officer would like it, but you can leave it out if it makes you feel silly.
I see real improvement in this essay, although you still have a way to go. The introduction is stronger, but the first line is still weak. The idea is to say something that will immediately grab the reader's attention, so that you stand out from the crowd rather than sounding just like everybody else.
Here's my suggestion:
Ten months in Chendu, China changed my view of the world and of my future. Since my return last summer, I've been thinking about my studies after high school, and after a lot of searching and meditating I`m now sure that the Economics and Business bachelor programme at the Universitet van Amsterdam (UvA) is the right choice for me.
Then you can go on with the essay as it is. But you will have to make changes there too. For example, you say that you were attracted to China for two reasons, but only list one.
Start a new paragraph with "I lived in Chengdu (Sichuan)..." so that the skyscraper story will stand out more strongly.
And, yes, you will have to get out of the habit of structuring long sentences as you would in Italian. The sentence that begins "I could probably choose an Italian university..." is an example of that. Similarly, the earlier sentence that begins "During my stay..." could be broken down into two sentences, with a period where you now have a colon.
Frederico,
Your idea for the conclusion is very charming, although I can also see why you felt uncomfortable with it. I think that an admissions officer would like it, but you can leave it out if it makes you feel silly.
I see real improvement in this essay, although you still have a way to go. The introduction is stronger, but the first line is still weak. The idea is to say something that will immediately grab the reader's attention, so that you stand out from the crowd rather than sounding just like everybody else.
Here's my suggestion:
Ten months in Chendu, China changed my view of the world and of my future. Since my return last summer, I've been thinking about my studies after high school, and after a lot of searching and meditating I`m now sure that the Economics and Business bachelor programme at the Universitet van Amsterdam (UvA) is the right choice for me.
Then you can go on with the essay as it is. But you will have to make changes there too. For example, you say that you were attracted to China for two reasons, but only list one.
Start a new paragraph with "I lived in Chengdu (Sichuan)..." so that the skyscraper story will stand out more strongly.
And, yes, you will have to get out of the habit of structuring long sentences as you would in Italian. The sentence that begins "I could probably choose an Italian university..." is an example of that. Similarly, the earlier sentence that begins "During my stay..." could be broken down into two sentences, with a period where you now have a colon.