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Posts by nicolezmh1997
Name: Ming Ho Cheung
Joined: Sep 20, 2014
Last Post: Dec 21, 2014
Threads: 6
Posts: 30  
Likes: 8
From: China
School: Shenzhen Foreign Languages School

Displayed posts: 36
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nicolezmh1997   
Dec 21, 2014
Undergraduate / Cultural shock in Dubai; teach myself a new skill or concept [7]

Dear Vangiespen,

I really appreciate for your help. Is there any grammar errors that I should correct in my essay? Or is there any sentence that need to further revise? For exmaple, better sentence structure or better diction.

Thank you for your help and I'm looking forward to receiving your reply.

Best,

Nicole
nicolezmh1997   
Dec 19, 2014
Undergraduate / Cultural shock in Dubai; teach myself a new skill or concept [7]

Hi Vangiespen,
Thanks you so much for your reply.
I think this experience is a single life lesson. Actually, I also know that my essay lacks some part of self-evaluation and the result after learning to respect diversity.

But I am not sure how I could expand this part on the foundation of my current version. Could you help me develop the theme?

Best,
Nicole
nicolezmh1997   
Dec 19, 2014
Undergraduate / Cultural shock in Dubai; teach myself a new skill or concept [7]

Hi. This essay is for one of the top universities in America. And this is almost my final draft. I need some suggestions on my grammar, or on content of my reflection at the end of the story.

The deadline is coming soon so that I really need your help! Thanks :)

What is something you have taught yourself in the last year? How did you teach yourself this new skill or concept and what was the result? (500 word limit)

As I strode down the street in Dubai last year, the hot air mixed with my excitement, reminding me that I was now in a mysterious habitat. With the curiosity of wanting to try some Arabian food, I excitedly went to a local restaurant. Yet, unexpectedly, the guard standing outside the restaurant barred my way.

"Now is the special festival for Muslims called Eid, which prohibits eating before sunset." The guard spoke in an outright manner. It was the first time that I heard about this abnormal custom of Islam.

"But I am only a tourist, not a Muslim. You could not restrict my liberty to have dinner.", I said in a confused voice. He stoically answered "The tradition of Islam is the same for everyone in Dubai. Once you step on the ground of Abu Dhabi, you should, and you must, conform to the religion."

Listening to his response, I was disappointed. Gradually, my initial disappointment transitioned into annoyance. Why must I conform to the Muslim's traditions? As a person who knew nothing about Islam, I felt that their customs seemed quite unusual.

Back to the hotel, I began to search for the information of Eid and came to know that every year there is a period of time that Muslims go on fasting until sunset. For Muslims, the fasting is to purify themselves both physically and mentally. In this way, Muslims can assure that their bodies, mindsets, and spirits are in extremely pious conditions.

Glancing over the information, I felt guilty about getting annoyed over religious customs. I realized that in places where diversity thrives, I should constantly understand and respect others' customs and beliefs, since each person who has a diverse cultural background has his or her underlying reason. Although sometimes the beliefs of people from various backgrounds are quite hard to comprehend, understanding the situation better before solving conflicts is much more effective. Moreover, only by truly embracing others' customs could I learn from the merits or essence of their beliefs. Deeply moved by Muslims' pious sacrifice, I understood the importance of remaining determined to one's beliefs, while at the same time learning to possess a passionate attitude towards others.

Later that year, having great interest in touching others' beliefs, I went on a journey to Malaysia. At there, I encountered people who were accustomed to eat by using their hands. Seeing their gestures, I tried to form a mindset that could help me to better understand their behaviors. Failed to do so, I asked local people. "Well, it is just one of our customs. Maybe Eating by hands would make food more delicious." I smiled. Right. Different cultures have their own customs. When we meet those bizarre customs, we should embrace them with thinking about their underlying reasons. Thus, I conformed to the behaviors of the local people. Indeed, eating by hands was a fantastic experience that, at that time, suddenly, I felt that the food in my hands were so soft, so accessible, and so precious. I was even grateful to possess a condition that I could eat fully every day.

The cultural shock I encountered in Dubai was an exploration. It prompted me to develop a sense of deeper realization and appreciation. Moreover, through the process of embracing Islamic culture, I now better understood what others are going through, and can understand the way they think and learn through the power of faith. In the future, I look forward to coming across, appreciating, and continuously absorbing the glorious merits of diversity.
nicolezmh1997   
Dec 19, 2014
Undergraduate / Contributing to Macalester community, personally and academically [5]

Hi. Overall, your essay is quite well-written and strong.
However, I think you may elaborate more details about the aspects of Macalester that you really love. For example, there are some special academic programs, or great professors, small students-to-faculties ratio, something like that. And then, you could relate to your experience in high school to show that you could contribute to ,Macalester.
nicolezmh1997   
Oct 28, 2014
Undergraduate / A girl who loves engineering; WHAT motivated you to apply Rice Unversity? [14]

Dear Vangiespen,
I revised your template. What about this version?

My personal encounter with Rice University started form the emails.
"Hope you would be a Rice Owl." The email from Iker, a current student in Rice University, struck me to recall the Duncan Hall, the OEDK, and the Martel College, all the things that we had discussed via email during these months. When I was listening to Rice's unconventional traditions, Houston's beneficial location, the wish to attain into Rice University seeded in my heart. Then the wish thrived into a determination: to be a Rice Owl.

By doing school research, what I first noticed is the Rice residential college system. Living in Rice where each residential college has its own tradition, constitution and parliament, I would feel like belong in a warm and inspiring home. I am even more excited to participate in special activities such as O-week, Beer Bike and annual theater production, which students could attend in by the unit of their own colleges. This would be an unparalleled opportunity for me to not only get easy access to school's events but also add my personal strength onto campus's diversity.

Moreover, I am deeply attracted by Rice's ease on conducting interdisciplinary research with professional faculty members, even academic leaders in some fields of study. I discovered the importance of solving energy shortage issues through my three years involvement in school's environmental club in high school.Thanks for the Energy and Environmental Systems Institute(EESI) in Rice University, I can not only apply my academic knowledge to real world challenges but also find a practical way to solve the concern for global energy and environmental issues. In the interdisciplinary program called Rice Energy Program(REP), I trust that I could advance my understanding of energy issues and use analytic techniques learning from Computational and Applied Mathematics in George R. Brown Engineering School to facilitate development of technological solutions, and ultimately, to improve the energy efficiency.

Besides, I highly admire Rice's focus on engaging directly with the city of Houston through collaborative, community-based research and design. As an enthusiastic participator of service projects in high school, I would like to further involve myself in the center of Civic Leadership, addressing challenging issues of Houston citizens.
nicolezmh1997   
Oct 27, 2014
Undergraduate / A girl who loves engineering; WHAT motivated you to apply Rice Unversity? [14]

Dear Vangiespen,
Thank you so much for giving me valuable suggestion!
However, I still don't know how to construct an appealing introduction for my essay. Could you provide me a template? I really appreciate for your help!

I have already revised the other part of my essay.
I look forward to receiving your reply!

That was my personal encounter with Rice University.
nicolezmh1997   
Oct 27, 2014
Undergraduate / A girl who loves engineering; WHAT motivated you to apply Rice Unversity? [14]

Dear Vangiespen,
I really appreciate that you could reply me so soon after I posted my reply. The draft below is my revised version. However, I think the introduction is quite dull and sound awkward :(

"Engineering? Strive for the best to be a Rice Owl! " The boy who was a current student in Rice University said to me excitedly.

"What is the atmosphere in the Rice Universitt?"
"Nice. Everyonge has his or her academic pursuit which could be fulfill by easily discussing with professors or by doing research."
"Really?" I started to research the information: that was the turning point of my life; my personal encounter with Rice University.
What I first noticed is the the Rice residential college system. Living in Rice where each eleven residential college has its own tradition, constitution and parliament, I would feel like belong in a warm and inspiring home. I am even more excited to participate in ome special activities such as Beer Bike and annual theater production, which students could attend in by the unit of their own college. This experience in the college life is an unparalleled opportunity for me to not only get easy access to school's event but also add onto campus's diversity.

Moreover, I am deeply attracted by Rice's ease on conducting interdisciplinary research with professional faculty members, even academic leaders in some fields of study. While I participated in environmental club for three years in high school, I discovered the importance of solving energy shortage issues. Thanks for the Rice Energy Program(REP) in Energy and Environmental Systems Institute(EESI), I can merge my academic interests in mathematics with my personal concern for global issues.

Besides, I highly admire Rice's focus on engaging directly with the city of Houston through collaborative, community-based research and design. As an enthusiastic participator of service projects in high school, I would like to further involve myself in the center of Civic Leadership, addressing challenging issues of Houston citizens.
nicolezmh1997   
Oct 26, 2014
Undergraduate / "Guys, strive for the best!" - The experience of Volleyball Team; Rice supplement [8]

Hi, Vangiespen. I re-open this essay now.
It is also a Rice supplement. This draft exceeds the word limit but I think it would better convey what I am trying to express.

I really appreciate for your help!

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences. (150 word limit)

Speed, concentration and decisiveness. Volleyball is more than a sport: it's a lifestyle.

Sprinting on the court, I realize that speed is youth. It means unstoppable enthusiasm and passion of creating. What I fear most is not failure, but the lost of courage to dream and strive.

The situation in a volleyball game is constantly changing, but what I need to do is simple: focus, keep calm, and spike. I always tell myself: be decisive; each spike is an opportunity. Watching carefully works more than running crazily because a good spiker plays with brain, not muscle. Things are similar in life: making the right decision at an important moment can change a lot. If I cannot judge my situation and chance accurately, all my hard work will be fruitless.

Maybe I won't be a professional player, but I hope to work like a spiker in life. In this life-long game, the winner is not always the team which scores first, but the team which can adjust itself and keep fighting till the end. I hope that thirty years later, when I am too old to speed up on the court, I can still have the energy and passion of a young player, stay calm and efficient, and spike accurately.
nicolezmh1997   
Oct 26, 2014
Undergraduate / A girl who loves engineering; WHAT motivated you to apply Rice Unversity? [14]

Hi, Vangiespen.
Actually, our meeying started on a chatting app. We talked about the atmosphere in Rice: all students and faculty are pretty nice. Students have easy access to do projects and collaborate with other students. The facilities for doing project are quite easy to access. And he discussed about the renowned engineering school in Rice University. Moreover, he told me about the brilliant scenes of the modern city, Houston, where Rice Universiy is located. He also talked about the great opportunities students have to interact with professors, lectures and other students.

I could only recall those information now.
Do those info enough?
nicolezmh1997   
Oct 26, 2014
Undergraduate / A girl who loves engineering; WHAT motivated you to apply Rice Unversity? [14]

Hi, Vangiespen. Actually, I did not have a face-to-face meeting with that Rice student.
Therefore, i need to contruct the scene with imagination. Could you give me a template for my intro paragraph?
I would try to further revise on that template.
I appreciate for your help!:)
nicolezmh1997   
Oct 26, 2014
Undergraduate / A girl who loves engineering; WHAT motivated you to apply Rice Unversity? [14]

Hi! This is my why school essay. I know there may be some grammatical errors or awkward expression. Thus, I appreciate any kind of help from you!

Besides, I don't know how to write a good conclusion to my essay. Some friends suggest that I could mention the admission officer who came to our school weeks ago to conclude my essay and to show my determination as well as passion to go into the Rice University.Is this a good idea or not?

If it isn't a good idea, I wonder how I should conclude my essay without cliche, and with creativity.
I really appreciate for your help since the deadline is quite soon :(

How did you first learn about Rice University and what motivated you to apply? (250 word limit)

A Styrofoam block, a bottle of glue, several battens. I , a ten-year-old girl, tried to transform materials into a model bridge. The dream of becoming an engineer seeded in my heart since then, and thrived when I asked for career suggestion from a current student in Rice University three years ago.

"A woman engineer? Strive for the best to be a Rice Owl!" What did "Rice Owl" mean? I started to search the information: that was the turning point of my life; my personal encounter with Rice University.

[...]
nicolezmh1997   
Oct 26, 2014
Undergraduate / "A competitive problem solver" - Georgetown MSB Supplement [3]

Hi! I agree with what Vangiespe said. Since you are not an undecided majoy(you said that you want to study business), you should get rid of the intro.You could use some vivid description of one of your activities related to your business interest instead.

For example, you could recall a scene that you use business knowledge or experience to solve real world challenges. It would show that you find real inspiration through studying business. Therefure, you would like to further pursue this area in the college.

Good luck :)
nicolezmh1997   
Oct 26, 2014
Undergraduate / a personal quirk is a part of who you are; supplemental essay [8]

Hi, Vangiespen! After you explained those terms, I find it easier for me to understand it!
And the red portion is where I make some revision. I think in the first sentence, "our selves' should get rid of a space. Is that right?

And, do those creative writing technique common in high school students' essay?
Could I use this draft as my final draft? Is there any part that I could revise it to make it a better essay?
The word limit for it is 250, and my word count for it is 265.
nicolezmh1997   
Oct 26, 2014
Undergraduate / a personal quirk is a part of who you are; supplemental essay [8]

Hi, Vangispen! I think your rewritten essay is quite effective. However, I find that I could not fully understand some of the sentences.
The blue portion is where I think the expression is new to me, or the expression sounds awkward and not like my voice.
The red portion is where I add my original content.
I hope that I could further work on the essay you revised previously.
I really appreciate for your help and I look forward to receiving your reply!

nicolezmh1997   
Oct 26, 2014
Undergraduate / I am keen to develop essential design skills via Oshman Engineering Design Kitchen - Rice University [7]

Hi, Vangiespen. Okay, I would delete the last sentence right now! Your answer is quite inspiring. I gain a new perspective that other "why essays" should be also present directly the reasons that I want to attend into that university.

Now, I think I should move on to other essays. By the way, I have already re-opened my thread about personal quirk!
Thank you again for your suggestion and revision! :)
nicolezmh1997   
Oct 26, 2014
Undergraduate / I am keen to develop essential design skills via Oshman Engineering Design Kitchen - Rice University [7]

Hi, Vangiespen! I agree with your comment.
The blue portion is my revised conclusion. But this conclusion is not very strong in my view...
And I think my why essay is quite boring... Do you feel it too? Maybe the essay lacks some vivid description.
i have an idea that maybe I could add some feelig that I sit in a hall in the engineering school and listen to the class. Does this idea sound okay?

[...] More importantly, the Rice Center of Engineering and Leadership(RCEL) provides unparalleled internship opportunities that I know will groom me into a leader at the forefront of engineering breakthroughs. With all the above, the George R. Brown School of Engineering is definitely the ideal place that will empower me to thrive as an engineer and lead at the front-line of making a difference to the world.
nicolezmh1997   
Oct 25, 2014
Undergraduate / I am keen to develop essential design skills via Oshman Engineering Design Kitchen - Rice University [7]

Hi, everyone. This is a why school essay for Rice University! I appreciate for any kind of help:)

With the understanding that the choice of academic school you indicated is not binding, explain why you are applying to that particular school of study. (150 word limit)

Seeking an unconventional and personalized education, I was deeply attracted to the George R. Brown School of Engineering.
With the comprehensive course series which equip me with various analytic techniques and academic supports, I am keen to develop essential design skills via Oshman Engineering Design Kitchen(OEDK). The fusion of creating projects into engineering curriculum will further broaden my ability to deploy solutions to real-world engineering challenges. And the FabShops held by OEDK could maximize my potential to turn ideas into physical realities.

[...]
nicolezmh1997   
Oct 24, 2014
Undergraduate / UCHICAGO Essay - DARK SKY, ROOFTOP, AND A CUP OF WARM CHOCOLATE [2]

wow...After reading your essay, I realize that as a foreigner, I really couldn't understand some phrases and expression.
Maybe native speakers would understand what you are trying to convey. I think you want to show your ability of writing and self-introspection. Are these the points you want admission officer to know?

If these are your points, then you are successful enough. Because you have your own style of writing, really unique. If you want to convey others things about yourself, you should revise it! You must indicate something about yourself, such as personality, interest, passion or dedication. Can I know what you want to major in? Literature? Creative writing? If they are your intended majors, I think you would do well on this essay since you show your ability to write something special.

Good luck :)
nicolezmh1997   
Oct 24, 2014
Undergraduate / a personal quirk is a part of who you are; supplemental essay [8]

Hi, everyone. This draft has already been revised several times. And the deadline is November 1st. But my word count exceeds the word limit :(
I really appreciate for your help!!!!!

We are a community with quirks, both in language and in traditions. Describe one of your quirks and why it is part of who you are.(word limit:250)

I love to look at myself. In the mirror, on the street, in front of the building, anywhere possible to show my blurred reflection would be the place for me to stop and to gaze at myself. Strangers may regard me as a girl who pays particular attention to my appearance. However, I take this personal quirk as a way of daily examining myself through an outsider's eyes.

It started from my roommate's snores. I had once tried to shake her up and harshly criticize her. As I approached her, I saw my reflection in a big mirror in the room. I was shocked at my impatient and outraged facial expression reflecting in the mirror: that was me, an immature and irritable girl, whose inner self was as explosive as a volcano. I gazed at myself and started to recall our valuable friendship. My anger was gradually decreased unexpectedly; my facial expression was smoothed in the mirror. Instead of reproving my roommate, I modulated my own breathing pace to accord with her snores. That night, the usually thunderous sounded not that annoying.

That's how I find out the unnoticed function of mirror. It awares me of my immaturity and prompt me to adjust my inappropriate behavior.

The quirk of gazing at myself promotes self-introspection for me to think twice before taking action irrationally. The process of carefully perceiving my reflection is like an exploration. It makes me internalized a sense of empathy for others, and apply it in dealing with uncomfortable moments like bothered by my roommate's snores. What's more, it helps me better understand what others are going through, feel as others feel, think as others think, and create true harmony.

I love looking at myself; I love self-discovery; I love the subsequent contemplation. Moreover, I love the journey to learn, and to progress.
nicolezmh1997   
Oct 24, 2014
Undergraduate / I believe in laughter. Stanford Supplement Essay [6]

Hi! I really love your idea about your supplemental essay!
Yet, I find that maybe you could revise it a little bit. Your flow for the last two paragraphs isn't very smooth.
I think you should paraphrase your last two paragraph. You could use some connection words or put what you want to say in a new draft and then revise in under someone's help, maybe your teacher or classmate. You should write your reflection clearly and coherently. And your ultimate change, or what lesson you get from the laughter should be " show but not tell" in the conclusion.

Overall, the essay is quite captivating and moved.
Good luck :)
nicolezmh1997   
Oct 18, 2014
Undergraduate / "Guys, strive for the best!" - The experience of Volleyball Team; Rice supplement [8]

Hi! The word limit for this essay is really annoying and I find that my essay is not effective enough for the elaboration of my extracurricular activity.

I look forward for your reply and I really appreciate for your help:)

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences. (150 word limit)
"Guys, strive for the best!" Coach Xu smiled and patted our backs.
It was my forth year as a volleyball player in School's Volleyball Team.
As an individual, progressing from a bench player who rarely had chances to participate in the games to a chielf spiker who played a key role in the team,

For the whole team, all memebers united as a family. After exhausted study, we could revive by hearing a team member's encouragement or doing regular trainings for nearly three hours each day.

I had waited too long for today to fight for the ultimate champion in Shenzhen. Long before today's coming, I had learned the difference between passion and perseverance. Without Perseverance, passion is meaningless. I knew that once I stood on the court, I would take nothing into account but be responsible for the effort and sweat.

A voice echoed in my heart, "We are infinite." [..]
nicolezmh1997   
Oct 9, 2014
Graduate / I developed an Android app to navigate a crowded train station in Singapore; SOP - CMU MISM Program [6]

Hi!
I really appreciate for your effort and ability in developing an app! And I think that CMU may like the talented students such as you.

But after reading it, I find that your narration is lack of vivid description and some deeper reflection. It's a little bit boring to read your essay

What's the word limit? If your essay is now under the word limit, you could try to curtail some part about your success in your Android App.

I think you may encounter failure during the process, so you could say that the education in CMU could further your dream to develop more well-constructed and helpful apps.

In your conclusion part, you could restate your determination in becoming a person who is beneficial to the society, and you hope that the education or the program in CMU could promote your personal well-being as well as social progress.

Above are just some of my suggestion. You could determine whether you accept them or not!
Keep on working :)
nicolezmh1997   
Oct 8, 2014
Undergraduate / My reflection on the novel written by Leo Tolstoy; the supplemental essay for Boston College [3]

Hi, everyone! My name is Nicole and I plan to apply to the earlt action in Boston College.
FIrstly, I really apprecaite everyone's help for my personal statement, especially Vangiespen's help. I am still revising it by the way.
Secondly, below are four essay prompts for the supplemental essay. Personally, I choose the last one. The word limit is 400.

1. What contemporary issue or trend relating to politics, culture and society, or foreign policy particularly concerns you and why?

2. Many human beings throughout history have found inspiration and joy in literature and works of art. Is there a book, play, poem, movie, painting, music selection, or photograph that has been especially meaningful for you?

3. Contemporary higher education reflects a tension between preparing for a meaningful life and preparing for a career. What are you looking for in an undergraduate education? Which emphasis is important to you at this moment and why?

4. "Magis", a Latin word meaning "more," is often cited in reference to the goals of Jesuit education, which seeks to help students become better, do more, and have as much impact on society as possible. How do you hope to achieve the Magis in your life?


Here is my essay.

The Death of Ivan Ilyich, by Leo Tolstoy

"The anguish and fear I felt are unjustified since I have lived a good life." What Poor Ivan thought on his deathbed, like a thunder, struck me, sparking my first serious contemplation on the meaning of life.

When Ivan hurts himself because of an occasional fall, he is brought face to face with mortality. What unsettled me most is not Ivan's destiny of death, but his conviction of not deserving the suffering because he had lived "correctly". Like those who constantly pursue self-interest, Ivan found pleasure by chasing frivolous goals and climbing the social ladder. His ignorance and contempt toward altruism disturbed me as I went through every pages.

Having gotten lost time to time in the webs for thought, I seriously doubted Ivan's definition for a "good" life. If individuals only emphasize their self benefits, no one would willing to contribute to the booming development in the world. Yet, shouldn't individuals promote personal well-being and social progress at the same time?

I recalled my participation in the environmental club for nearly three years in the high school. Volunteering for recycling second-handed books, carrying books from thirty-three classrooms downstairs, organizing them orderly to cabinets, and selling them eventually on the weekends, we collected the money and donated them to poor children in China. Though our effort is too trivial to be called as "altruism", we truly contributed the time and sweat to help others, not merely for self-interest. The process of devotion, to Ivan's definition of a "good" life is extremely mundane. But that's what I regard as a "good" life attaining "magis", Latin word meaning "more".

The meaning of one's life is to make impact on the society as large as possible. I closed the book and called my partners in the club.
nicolezmh1997   
Sep 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / Manufacturing sector contributed most in the UK economy throughout the century. [2]

Hi!
After reading your paragraph, I think you elaboration is adequate and valid.
However, you should pay attention to some grammar errors. Most of them are about tenses.
When you mention the economy in 2000, you should use past tense.
Hope my suggestion works for you :)
nicolezmh1997   
Sep 21, 2014
Undergraduate / 'being trapped within the confines of anxiety and fear' - UC Personal Statement [3]

A quite personal and inspiring essay.
The introductory paragraph is captivating.
Yet, you should elaborate more on how you change from a reticent kid to a more sociable person.
Ang I notice that your key point in the pasage are, first, your transition, second, your unique talent-perceptivity.
I think if your original purpose is to show your remarkable perceptivity, your careful observation of people, you need to give reader more details and examples to suuport that this personal quality actually builds up your identity.

That is to say, you need to make this part of your essay more effective. You could add your reflective process when you observe people, or add what you learn from observing people's gestures and analyzing them.

Keep working:)
I would like to enjoy your essay after you take my suggestion and revise your essay a little bit :)
nicolezmh1997   
Sep 21, 2014
Undergraduate / the children full of hope (COMMON APP ESSAY) [6]

I love your essay very much!
Your realization and emotion are quite sincere.
I could read through your passage and visualize that you are a strong person who could overcome difficulties now.
Yet, I think you could make your essay more effective by adding more details about how you changed yourself, how the experience of seeing smiling faces of those kids inspired you to create happiness by yourself. And, you could add another example about how you could able to create happiness by yourself.

For example, you could show your care for others by saying that ' I started to spend hours and hours to look after those kids. Receiving the love from me, they tended to share their happiness with me. ' After that, you could elaborate on "I find true happiness by helping others go through those obstacles."

Well, I am just telling a very rough and normal example. I do think that you could discover similar example to show your internal change. I think more evidence could make your essay look effective, sound, and sincere.

Kerp working :)
nicolezmh1997   
Sep 21, 2014
Undergraduate / Many applicants to college are unsure about eventual majors. What factors led you to your interest? [6]

You did a great job in revising it!
But maybe you still need to revise it a little bit.
The prompt is asking you, you as a unique existing. WHY do you want to pursue computer science?
In my opinion, in the "why essay", writer should put more focus on his or her experiences in order to show the key word "why". I notice that you answer the prompt in the second paragraph. Yet the first paragraph is not effective enough. Those words are quite fluent, beautiful and inspiring, but you should boldly point out that it is the factor of variability in the field of computer that impels you to further pursue your interest.

Moreover, you should add more info about yourself, about how the computer changes your world or influences you to become a better individual.
What's the word limit by the way?
nicolezmh1997   
Sep 20, 2014
Undergraduate / I WILL NOT LIE NYU - NYU SUPPLEMENTAL ESSAY [3]

Through reading your essay, I could only get some superficial reason for your love towards NYU.
It's mainly because you always use generalized statement to sum up your affection.
For example, you wrote cursorily on your broad interest and your passion for computer science. However, you should use more supportive evidence or examples to show the people that you really fit in the atmosphere of NYU.

In other words, you need to dig out the real reason( what motivate you to love NYU) and use specific details to support your generalization.

Keep working on! :)
nicolezmh1997   
Sep 20, 2014
Undergraduate / "Reflection in the Darkness": Common App Essay [4]

After reading it, I discover that you mainly focus on some abstracted notion or reflection.
I think you chould detail your reflection process and how the reflection in the darkness builds up your unique identity.
You could further dig out your transition after you pondering in the darkness.
In this way, college admission staffs could really learn about who you are.
Good luck!:)