Undergraduate / "Significant Experience" essay - need advice on the content of this essay [22]

No. Like I said earlier, I thought you were going to say how your friend is a hermaphrodite.
It set me up for the wrong thing, and it is not even related. It is just a superfluous paragraph. I thought it was quite pointless, and quite frustrating, that I had read all of that only to realise that it has no pertinence to the essence of your essay's theme.

Revise and repost your essay. Lets take another look.

Undergraduate / "My Name" - Common Application short answer essay [8]

So, the activity that you decided to expand on, is just saying seven words?? Just saying these seven words, have made you a better public speaker? Just these seven words alone, taught you the power of words?

You are only saying seven words, yet you are giving powerful and persuasive speeches?
Man. Consider writing about something else. If this is the activity you have decided to talk about, presumably because it is important, it kind of shows that you do not do much anyways, and if saying seven words is what you decide to talk about, well then, at least make the essay more powerful and real at least...

Writing Feedback / Narrative Essay (Warning: slightly depressing)! [11]


^Hmm I did not spot that. Well spotted Sean!

Undergraduate / "Combining sports and grades" - UT important issue essay [11]


^I did suggest 'not' in my revision. I guess Brandon did not want to use my suggestion.


^That is what even I thought. However, Brandon seems to be really focused talking about how this may be the case and uses rather subjective language to try and convince his readers. I made points about this, however he has not made any change content wise. I presume it is because, he firmly believes this. He is entitled to as well, however, it is also up to him to decide how accurate he wants his statements to be.

Undergraduate / "Want to be a doctor" - Penn State, personal statement [26]

K, I will try and cut it down. I personally think that as, a personal statement, it needs something a bit more. That is my opinion, see what Sean or Simone have to say as they are more knowledgeable when it comes to this stuff.

anyways, here goes:

Growing up I always had a close bond with my grandmother, in a immature way I looked at life with her always being there. If she was sick, I was the one that helped her get better. From childhood I knew what I was to become; You guessed it,, a Doctor. I did volunteer work at local hospitals helping patents and getting hands on experience

I did volunteer work at local hospitals and helped patients.
**I presume you helped patients, rather than patents :P
Anyways, it is kind of implied that you got hand on experience through your work experience. You do not need to state the obvious, that is why I removed that fraction of the sentence.

Being a volunteer, you are only allowed to do so much but I wanted to do more.I don't know what kind of doctor I want to be, but

*Here, include a short sentence about how you become interested in medicine.

I want to be able to have the knowledge to cure the sick, To make people as comfortable as possible during there time here on earth .

^Doctors do not make people comfortable. They may, but their job is to save lives. Not make people comfortable.

I envision myself running in and out of the er and making compliance about my long shifts, scrubbing my hands and using medical terms that I learned from watching reruns of House, a television show about doctors. It's a dream that I had for a long time.

^You dreamt..about a teleivision show about doctors. Probs not, but that is what it gramatically sounds like. You do not really need either of these sentenes to be honest.

The day my grandmother died, I was lost and it felt like everything I had, was gone. I let her and myself down. I wanted to give up but I just could not, I knew how much she wanted me to purse my dreams and. if I gave up I would be disappointing her and myself. I value my education and make getting a degree my number one priority . Becoming a doctor, is a way for me to help people like my grandmother, people that can't help theirm selves. It is a way for me to become a inspiration toI can inspire others who found there selves in situations like myselfthemselves in situations similar to mine . I feel at Penn State , I can work myself to be at the top. I feel there, I can pursue to be the best that I can be and help as many people as I can.

^Help people at Penn State, or people who need medical assistance?
I personally think that as a personal statement, this does not come off as too strong. I mentioned earlier, that you should focus about what is so interesting about medicine, and why you want to reallly study it. That is my opinion. Pay attention to what the Moderators, such as Simone and Sean, will say. Good luck anyways x

Undergraduate / "Combining sports and grades" - UT important issue essay [11]

Hmm I made some mistakes earlier.

This issue is not just of concern to the students themselves, but the coaches that are responsible for keeping them in line.
^By the way, I do not really get this sentence. What do coaches have to do with this exactly?

I really became aware of this issue in my junior year in high school , when we had twenty upcoming freshman fail, and thus were unable to play football. I found this extremely unsettling ,as; I play football and can managehave managed a 3.7 GPA. I managed that GPA through studying and knowing that whilstthe sports world isare fun, but my education wouldcan get me further .

^Further where? What finish line are we talking about here? I asked you about this before...

Really looking at this issue led me to thinkask why are there not any mandatory study groups for the "student - athlete". I believe that school sports teams have forgotten about the student aspectthe academic aspect , and only concentrate on the athlete's goals. The coaches at these schools are teachers themselves and should be worried about how these kids are doing academically. These twenty freshman that failed had a responsibility to grades themselves, and yes it is there fault they failed, but. with a little more guidance I think they could have excelled a little more. Schools have to at least offer some programs for athletes who are struggling with their grades so that theythese students can choose to get the help if they want it. Just by offering a study program for athletes,they can wean out the athletes that don't care about there academics and the ones that are actually struggling. I believe that if schools offered programs to study to their athletes there would be a lot less failing and a lot more success.

I highlighted parts that have mistakes or parts that I am unclear as to what you were trying to say. I highlighted the last line, because I think it needs revision on your part. I do not know what exactly you are trying to say here, because you are not clear in terms of what failing and success is. I presume you mean academically, but it could also be at life. Yes. People can fail life lol.

You also need to realise that studies are not everything. For some people, sports actually are their life, and they excel at sports rather than studies because they want to base their career around sports. I am sure that Christiano Ronaldo would not be getting his monster salary at Real Madrid if he was not a football player, and opted to study instead and get a career.

*Football/soccer. I call it football :)

Undergraduate / "Want to be a doctor" - Penn State, personal statement [26]

^Is that an essay question, or a personal statement.
If you are writing for the latter, then I suggest you focus more on why you want to study medicine and talk about yourself and your interest in the subject. You can also discuss your extra cirriculars and how these have developed a set of skills that can help you focus on medicine. You can perhaps even prove your interest in medicine, and how you feel the need to develop your interest through studies...

In regards to your grammar, most of the time, the commas can be replaced with a full stop.

Undergraduate / "Combining sports and grades" - UT important issue essay [11]

One of the many issues I believe is facing a majority of youth today is the issue of not being able to focus on both their sports and grades.

^The issue is already about an important issue. So starting off with 'one of the many issues' is quite lame.
'A majority of the youthful today do not focus on both sports and academia'

This issue is not just of concern to the students themselves, but the coaches that are responsible for keeping them in line. I really became aware of this issue in my junior year in high school , when we had twenty upcoming freshman fail, and theythus were unable to play football. I found this extremely unsettling , just for the factas I play football and can manage a 3.7 GPA. I managed that GPA through studying and knowing that the sports world was is fun, but the more importantly my education would get me farther .

^How can education get you further than sports? Perhaps you should develop on that, because for some people, sports is everything and more of a priority than their academics...especially if they plan and base a career around sports.

Really looking at this issue led me to think why are there not any mandatory study groups for the "student - athlete". I say student athlete like this because I feelbelieve that school sports teams have forgotten about the student part, and only have the one goal of the athlete.concentrate on their athlete's goals.

The coaches at these schools are teachers themselves and should be worried about how these kids are doing academically .
^I did not know that all coaches are teachers. Yes, teachers in sports, but I did not know that all coaches specialised in another topic of study.

These twenty freshman that failed had a responsibility to grades themselves, and yes it is there fault they failed, but with a little more guidance I think they could of excelled a little more.

I think that to resolve issues like this schools should implement mandatory study groups for all students involved in extracurricular activities. This would probably not just not help the kids in the classroom, but in their sport as well.

^Really? How?

I believe that if schools looked at this issue a little more seriously, there would be a lot more successful scholar-athletes.
^Maybe. But, supposing the athlete was 90 percent committed to sports, and 10 percent committed to studying, if these schools intervened, and made the ratios from 9:1 to perhaps a, 7:3, then these athletes are losing their athletic competitive advantage. What if these kids were not good in studies to begin with, and now still have relatively poor grades, even though these grades have improved but are not the athletes they were...oopsie..

*Should schools really be interfering with how students manage their independent study? Or should students know how much to study independently?
I am just offering my views, however, you can say whatever you want. It is your essay afterall

Writing Feedback / Narrative Essay (Warning: slightly depressing)! [11]

Did you implement some of the suggestions I had made in my earlier post?

Anyways, I will look at your final paragraph. It would have been helpful if you told us what the essay title is...because perhaps then we can help you find a suitable ending??

Maybe that unbearable hospital smell originates from the soiled linens or the sweat from the feverish patients or the vomit from the chemo patients' basins.

*Later on, you talk about the smell of death abruptly. In that case, perhaps this part of your final paragraph is not needed so that the smell of death is made more significant.

Maybe the masking of the smell came from the pain I experienced while watching my father pass away.
Perhaps the pain I experienced whilst watching my father leave this world/pass away masked the infamous smell of death.

These people who have experienced this hospital smell may have been leaving the hospital, smelling deathPeople have experienced the smell of death in hospitals, but I stepped out of the hospital and, into the outside world, without smelling anything. I left with the beautiful memories of my father and a set of lessons he gave me to live by, including how to live without dwelling on the little things in life, such as a hospital smell.

^I do not get the last line. How is this smell of death a little thing?

Although this is not the track you seem to be on, this is a final sentence I could think of:

I left with the beautiful memories of my father and all the lessons he taught me. I did not smell death because his spirit is never dead. His spirit lives on with me.

^You do not have to use it. I however thought that it leaves a more powerful message about your father, rather than end the story, talking about your father, and ending the entire essay with 'a hospital smell'. You are talking about how much you cherished your father, and then ending the essay with 'a hospital smell', in my opinion, does not do justice to the honor of your father..

Let me know whadya think and sorry for your loss.
x

Undergraduate / My Heritage - in my own country I feel the most foreign. Common App. Essay [10]

Lol I never said you are an ABCD. I just thought that this essay had very strong ABCD elements. Perhaps I was not clear on that.

I do not know what Simone is going to say, but I think when you are applying to highly selective universities, you want your essay to stand out, and my opinion is that a hackneyed topic will not help accomplish that, unless your expressions and writing style is articulate enough to impress..Whilst your writing is good, it is not breath taking.

Anyways, I am glad that you understood the other points I made. Implement them and make your character shine through this essay.
By the way, would you say that this is a significant experience, or an achievement? You should go on in more detail on the impact that this has had on you.

Undergraduate / My Heritage - in my own country I feel the most foreign. Common App. Essay [10]

It is a paradox that in my own country, I feel the most foreign.

After the first stretch of eight or so years in the United States, my family began visiting India every couple of summers. The country had becomewas a stranger to me, and. each time we visited something deep inside of me would be exposed again.

^What gets exposed? You do not talk about it in the next sentence. If you attempt to do so, then 'expose' should be replaced with a more suitable word.

I was uncomfortable in India, unused to the heat, the filth, the traffic, the poor children tapping on car windows, the stares etc . I was reluctant to accept this place as an intrisic part of me and as a part of my identity because I had seen so much else of the world-developed countries, with more obvious beauty and prosper to offer. I could only see what India lacked. The people's stares bothered me the most, because their worlds were so much smaller than mine, and their ideas so much simpler, yet they could see right through me and knew who I was better than I did.

^I do not like the bold part AT ALL. What gives you the right to think that their ideas are simpler than yours? You are applying to Columbia, and you already have revealed a pretentious attitude. These people can probably deal with situations that you can not. Does that not make them smarter in some cases then? The part in bold shows off that you are ignorant and unappreciative of your own people. Whilst you may refute these ideas later on in the essay, (I do not know, I have not reached there as yet), I am left with this impression and quite frankly, I am unimpressed. You come off as the term American-Born Confused Desi so far...

India soon became a measure of my growth because each summer that I returned, I saw the country through wiser eyes. Being on the move so much had made me more open,and more accepting. Then I learned that I would be spending my final year of high school t here. I grappled with this idea, because as excited as I was for new adventures, I was not sure I was ready for this one. It was like returning home to a family whom you had left years ago.

^I would not use this simile. You have already painted this image that you have disassociated yourself from India. How can you compare it to a family, which by nature, is caring and understanding...Perhaps, you can use an adjective to describe the family, or say something along the lines that 'a family I had purposefully disabandoned'

You wondered whether they would accept you back with open arms, but more than that, you wondered if you would accept them. Would things be as you remembered them; would it feel like home? Regardless, I returned home to the 'family' I had left.

^I do not think the readers wondered this. Replace 'you' with 'I' and 'me'.

At its core, this country is made up of millions of youth, struggling to make their mark on the world. I see them on the streets everyday on my way to school. It is not they who are any different from me, but their circumstances. Their delicate sugar-spun dreams, cradled and protected during ignorant childhood, have been slowly crushed by the calloused, sun-browned hand of a parent as they grow and learn about life and its infinite and unequal rules.

^That is a nice sentence. However, are you implying that the parents hit their children and smack them to reality, literally? I think these kids also realise it on their own, not necessarily under their parent's influence.

I am luckier because I can afford to protect and nurture my dreams, build a cage around them, until they are strong enough to be set free.

^You make it sound as if these kids only dream to be something that they can not be or can not have...These kids perhaps, particularly in India, could just hope for a peaceful life and not want material comforts...they do not need a 'cage' around these dreams.

The only thing which I have that these children do not is money, yet it is powerful enough to guarantee a future.
^Not really. These kids could have other things that you may not have. You can not say this with such certainty.

Again, I am not any different from these youth, because growth has been pushed on both of us. In their case it is through their poverty and their need to scrape by a living in any way possible. The impoverished are forced into jobs the minute they can walk, the minimum working age completely forgotten.

^Not necessarily. Definitely not throughtout the whole of India. Governmental reforms have made this difficult in some parts.
I recently visited Delhi. I did not see child labor. I saw children selling flowers and toys, but this is not child labor. This is just business is it not? Most of the time, they find these flowers and then sell them for their own profit....

It is as though there is no word in the Hindi language for 'child labor.'
^Again..

From looking into their eyes you can see that these children have become adults at far too early an age.

In my case, bumping back and forth from different continents and countries, assimilating and then leaving societies, has caused me to learn the lessons of life much faster than most.

^What lessons are we on about here?

The only thing I could count on to remain constant was me, and so I harbored an intimate relationship with myself.
^LOOOOOOOOL. Alright, hand to yourself :P
Why would you want to be constant? Dont you want to evolve with the world around you?

I soaked in endless culture and knowledge, and qualities materialized in me so that I could keep going.
^Endless? please.

Optimism, confidence, acceptance of self and others, respect of self and others, empathy, self-sufficiency-I am thankful for what these countries have taught me.
^You do not realy say how any of these countries have instilled values such as optimism and confidence. Or self sufficiency. In fact, none of these values.

And although I see myself as a worldly person, I cannot deny my heritage.

It looks at me in the mirror each morning; it is the color of my skin, the shape of my eyes, the blood that runs in my veins. I used to look at Indians and judge them as parochial, and it is because of this ignorant, single-faceted judgement that I sometimes wished I looked different.

^O man. This is the ABCD card (American Born Confused Desi)

I did not want to be judged by others in the same way I myself judged. The evil I tried to protect myself from was in me, too. It was an ugly irony

^Evil. Where did that come from?

I cannot change the world, but I can change myself. This is what slowly happened as I grew-I learned that the best things in life are not always the most obvious, which was the case for my home country. My final move back to India was the most difficult; it was personal and I had to reveal the vulnerability in me that I had hidden for so long to be able to survive elsewhere in the world, a vulnerability that sprang from the uncertainty of my identity.

I have a clear memory of a trip to an Indian restaurant in the first month of our move here. It was a difficult time for me, but my spirits lifted instantly upon walking through the door. Brightly clothed families bustled around, their faces full of life, and children of all ages chattered animatedly with each other while pointing at sweets behind the sparkling glass displays. I felt the smile growing slowly on my face, because I was proud. This was a rising country that did not need to climb onto the back of other, more developed countries to become something it was not. It used its own unique strengths to progress.

^What strengths?

I felt at home, and I started accepting the part of me that had always been there and was fighting to come out. Its persistence won. This is my country.

^Ok. This concept, of trying to find the cultural identity, has been used before. I have heard success stories of people who have used this topic and got into Columbia...2 years ago. It makes you wonder if other people have tried this and whether the concept in it's entirety has just become banal to say the least.

Some of your points reflect a sense of ignorance of your country and it's people, even though you are trying to pride yourself that you love your country. Some parts are well written, some other parts, not so much.

I also did not quite get the part in the conclusion as to why you were proud...if people wear bright coloured clothes, and tap on glasses etc, does that instill a sense of pride in you? What do these things represent to you, and why do they make you feel proud?

If you are applying to the big Unis, even if you were applying to other Unis in fact, some work should be done so that you come off as the individual you want to portray ..

Writing Feedback / Narrative Essay (Warning: slightly depressing)! [11]

You know, they say that hospitals have an unbearable smell to them, but the truth is, on the last day of June of June 30th 2009, the only thing I could smell as I was sitting in room 208 of the ICU department was nothing.

I smelled absolutely nothing.

What was masking the apparent hospital smell will never be known. Possibly, it could have been that all my other senses and feelings were prevailing at the time. Maybe it was the stinging of my eyes which released the salty warm tears to fall gently to the bottom of my cheeks, or the ache in my heart which seemed to antagonistically develop with each breath as I was weepingwept next to his bed.

^In reference to the bold part, are you suggesting that the salty warm tears dulled your sense of smell? For you to know it was even salty, you would have smelt it right??

Or it could have been the pit that inhabited my stomach and made me feel empty, or possibly it was because my mind was busy at work, sorting out and making sure it has each memory withof him on file. I stood next to his bed, allowingand allowed my mind to imbibe every detail inof his face.

*Imbibe is to drink...

Lying there, he appeared so incapable with an incalculable number of tubes, yet ever so peaceful, as if he knew God was coming to liberate him. I began to think back.

It was a Friday afternoon, and I had just finished my last class of the day with nothing planned but aa plan to visit to Ottsville. ****I walked in the beautifully restored farmhouse which he was so very proud of, goingand went straight into the living room to find him disgusted after watching a special on Michael Jackson's drug habits, and. he greeted me saying, "It's amazing that people will abuse their only life here on Earth. I don't know why anyone would want to take some of the tick out of their clock, and here I've been fighting for more time, for ten years."

**As I was reading this, I was unclear as to whether this was in Ottsville or still wherever you live..

Snapping me out of my thought, the neurologist walked in the room wearing her plastic apron, mask, and gloves as her shield against the bacteria . I did not wear this ensemble. Developing an intestinal infection was the least of my worries . The neurologist's words made my knees weak and my heart heavy, and I began to drown her out with the slowing beep of his heart monitor andas I was drawn in by the dropping heart rate. His heart stopped in the middle of the night and stopped delivering oxygen to the brain.

He was brain dead.

I went outside to the hospital's garden and seated myself on the most secluded bench. For the first time in my life, I noticed that everything seemed so fake; from the two women gossiping in the garden's distant corner, to the whitened smile that the outside café waitress gave to each of his new customers. I began to remember.

One day I was babysitting and my phone rang. I rushed to answer it in fear that it might wake up the kids, and I recalled having the most meaningful phone conversation that I could remember.

^Wouldn't this conversation also seem fake, seeing as how you previously mentioned the word 'everything'.

He said, "You know life is so short, and we don't get to do this again. People seem to be so indulged with things like money and status while their time on the clock is passing. If only everyone knew how to appreciate the smaller things in life maybe..."

My thoughts came to a halt as I noticed the prettiest little bird fly down within two feet of me. It looked me straight in the eye as it twirked its head from side to side, and then took off into the clear blue sky. At thisat moment I experienced the strangest feeling, and . I rushed back inside to room 208 of ICU to find that my 52-year old father's heart stopped beating due to its strain from an infection, but he appeared to be saved and more peaceful than ever. His ten years of fighting renal cell cancer demonstrated a courageous act of strength, and he had been preparing me with some of the most important lessons of my life, as he knew he wouldn't be able to later.

Maybe that unbearable hospital smell originates from the soiled linens or the sweat from the feverish patients or the vomit from the chemo patients' basins. Maybe the masking of the smell came from the pain I experienced while watching my father pass away. It would be logical to conclude that these people claiming towho have experienced this hospital smell must not have been leaving the hospital and stepping into the outside world without their father. But I was stepping out from the hospital and into the outside world with the beautiful memories of my father and a set of lessons he gave me to live by, including how to live without dwelling on the little things in life; such as a hospital smell.

*What is the essay title? And by the way, some people in the hospital actually smell 'death' so to speak. These people could also have 'smelt the death' of their fathers. Therefore, this would make your conclusion wrong.

If you want to cut down, look back at the part when you try to talk about why you could not smell anything. I think you go into way too much detail on that part.

Undergraduate / "Panic. Chaos. Insanity." - Stanford Roommate Essay [17]

I think you should make it clear that it is only your peers that stereotype you.
You do not want to make it sound as if you think that even the Admissions Council stereotypes a person by his/her nationality. That is rude. They will not like it.

Undergraduate / Stanford Experience Essay [7]

I did these Stanford questions last year, and am debating as to whether I should do them again. Trust me, they are hard and they do require a lot of thought.

I do suggest starting from scratch and give some time and put some effort into it.
Right now, all you are doing is thinking of something, writing it, and then dumping it here on this site.
What is the point in submitting lame rough drafts if even you know it needs some work on it.
Work on it, and when you think that 'man, this finally looks good', then post it here and then our feedback will be more meaningful and useful.

Graduate / Personal statement for Masters degree in Chemical Engineering help [5]

I wish to pursue my graduate studies at your esteemed institution, as I believe that a Masters degree will help me to realize my ultimate goal, which is to develop myself as a well trained chemical engineer and establish a career in the chemical industry.

Undergraduate / Essay for U-Chicago - it's a little childish.. [32]

Some parts of the essay were good, however I felt that other parts of the essay need some grammar revision. The verb tenses and/or punctuation brought down the quality, and thus the effectiveness, of some sentences.

Also, if there is an opportunity to reduce sentence length, go for it ;)

If I may, I think you should elaborate on the 'influence' part of the essay. You can perhaps develop on the lesson you have learnt from all of this, and perhaps how this lesson has shaped your views on change...

I tried UChicago last year lol. Did not get in.
I suggest you have a strong academic record as well!

Essays / Similarities between myself and any vegetable [17]

This reminds me of UChicago lol...

Anyways.

Shrek voice: Onions have layers

If you are lazy, then perhaps you can even draw upon the topic of being a 'couch potato'.

If you are cool, then you can compare yourself to a cucumber. (Yes, from the god awful simile, 'cool like a cucumber'.)

Best idea, as Simone suggested, come up with similarities between yourself and the vegetable. I guess the easiest similarities to spot would be physical ones, such as small and round, or long etc..

Undergraduate / Stanford Experience Essay [7]


^You do not really need to begin with that line.

I was introduced to thisthe concept of evolution when I was in middle school and I took a class trip to the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena. This trip proved to be not only one of the most intellectually engaging experiences of my life, but also one of the experiences that has driven me to work harder in academics in order to achieve my aspirations.What I have highlighted in bold, is what I think is just a giant cliche.

At the time, it blew my mind to think of an airplane travelling from one side of the nation to the other,
^Even when you were well into high school, the thought of an airplane travelling from one end of the Earth to the other was 'mind blowing' to you at the time? Ok, well I guess that is you then.

and here was a craft travelling billions of miles to the end of the galaxy.
^It was a project under development. How was it 'travelling'.

While this event triggered a short-lived obsession with engineering, it sparked an even greater interest within me.
^Perhaps you can specify the branch of engineering; aeronautical engineering.

I became spellbound with the idea of indefinite human growth, and even to this day, I hold this memory close to me.
^I think readers would understand that it is a close memory if you decided to talk about it in your application essay.
By the way, human growth does not seem to be the right word. It is as if you are implying that we can physically continue to grow. Whilst this may be true, I do not think that this is the track you want to be on...

As an aspiring physician, I can only hope for greater development in the field of medicine, and to me, this ongoing journey to Pluto is a sure sign of advances in all fields of studies.

^
I think mankind in general relies on greater development for medicine. Your sentence structure implies that because you are an aspiring physician, that is why you hope for greater development in medicine..is this the case? If you were not an aspiring physician, then would you not want greater development in medicine?

The ongoing journey to Pluto is not an advancement in the field of English Literature. So I would not say all 'fields of studies'.


To what extent can you consider it slow?

Look, you were meant to discuss an idea or event that you found intellectually engaging. Alright, you decided to go for the Jet Propulsion event. You do not develop how you found that event intellectually engaging.

You just say, literally, 'I went to this event. There was a mission to go to Pluto. It is amazing. Mankind is taking a giant step forward.'

I also do not see what is the point of mentioning being an 'aspiring physician' because neither is it relevant to your essay, nor the essay question. You also talk about your brief interest in engineering. What made it brief? Your whole essay focuses on an 'intellectually engaging event' that centers around engineering...what just made that interest fade away. It kind of implies that perhaps, you did not really find this event that intellectually engaging to begin with.

Undergraduate / "Panic. Chaos. Insanity." - Stanford Roommate Essay [17]

Even myself- at first glance I may seem like the least likely candidate to be applying to a school such as Stanford; however, I pride myself on that fact. I believe that life is short, life is sweet, and life isn't all about studying.

^I got quite thrown off by those lines actually.
-You admit that you seem like an unlikely Stanford candidate.:

-You could have said that because you have a stereotyped image on the Stanford student. It is understood that Stanford admits students who are very academic, therefore the stereotyped image would be a nerd right? Are you trying to pride yourself that you do not look like some nerd?

Fine, Stanford also admits people who have strong talents. Are you implying that you are not talented then?
If you were on the track of the former suggestion, it shows some ignorance on your part on the type of community and people that Stanford look for.

-Also, whilst life is not all about studying, it is bad enough that you decided to structure your sentence in an informal manner, but it is worse when you try to give off the impression that studies are not important to a University such as Stanford, where a lot of independant study is actually required.

'If I am your roommate, you will sure be soon to discover that while studying is a priority- it is far from being my top priority'

^O dear God. I already thought the previous line was bad, and now you say this? I will look at the rest of your essay now..lol

After years of house arrest, I have come to realize that while academics play an important role in one's life, it isn't everything.

^Is the 'house arrest' a literal term, or were you actually placed under probation. Only include 'house arrest' if the latter is true, otherwise it can be quite misleading.

I've discovered that, miraculously, it is possible to have a life outside of studying. While my academic performance may not be at the level of a super genius- I have had the pleasure of enjoying every minute of my schooling careerand exploring different paths be it educational or not.

^Learning at school is not a career. Quite frankly, you can omit the whole sentence about the 'super genius'.

As my roommate, you will quickly realize that I love having a good time and be warned- I'll force you to have more fun than you can possibly endure.

^
Perhaps you can talk about what fun is. Dorks may think that going to a comic book convention is fun, however I would much rather prefer a rave party.

Also, some people may think that books are their best friends and that studying them is their definition of a good time. Other people like to sit home and play World of Warcraft. If these are people's definition of 'fun', then will you actually encourage them to do these activities 'more than' they 'can possibly endure'?

Ultimately, I believe that you will recognize that I am not just another stereotypical Asian and I sincerely hope that by becoming my roommate, you will realize that appearances can, in fact, be deceiving.

^You are not only addressing the room mate in this question. You are also writing to the Admissions Council.

Good luck man...

Graduate / Specific short-term career goals - MBA Admission Essay [4]

It's 6:00 a.m. as I sit down at my desk. Behind me, the morning sun begins to rise as I am alone in the office, preparing for another day of tactical thinking and execution. As the manager of Fraud Strategy for U.S. Bank, each day brings forth uncertainty, SOMEWORD, and most importantly, the opportunity to be proactive in a reactive industry.

^
I would love to suggest 'someword', however I really do not know what you feel the job brings you??

This is the next step in my career at U.S. Bank, a step that will lead me to senior management and beyond.
^Is the MBA the step?

Before I am able to move into a management role within U.S. Bank, I will need to hone my leadership skills and become the leader I know I am capable of being .

--Perhaps in between this sentence and the next one, you can define what a leader is, so that readers know what you mean by 'best leader'.

To become the best leader I can be I will need the best resources and training available. This is where the Katz MBA comes into play.

^Hmmm if you want to stick to this idea, then my question is, how does the Katz MBA offer the "best resources"? Like, what are 'best resources'?

Also, does an academic program offer 'training'?

Currently in the roleasof Project Manager for the Fraud Implementation and Support team at U.S. Bank, becoming a manager in fraud strategy would enable me to make the transition from managing intangible software implementation projects, to the tangible aspects of managing people and the decisions they make each day.

^I like this sentence to be honest. I thought it shows clear focus and knowledge of the field and the position.

The manager of Fraud Strategy at U.S. Bank over see's all aspects of transaction related fraud within U.S. Bank. From the implementation of our fraud detection software package, Fraud Watch Plus, to managing Fraud Specialists, Project Manager's, and call center representatives, the manager of Fraud Strategy administers a very dynamic employee base while at the same timewhilst also attempting to keep up with some of the most intelligent and intricate criminals in the world.

-Perhaps, you can omit the name of the software package?
-Also, I doubt you can describe 'criminals' as 'intricate'.

Having extensive knowledge in the transaction services industry, it' s practices and regulations, has given me the tools needed to have a sound foundation for my first management position.

Throughout my life I have always know that I was a leader. Taking extra time to refine my baseball skills, staying after school to coordinate review sessions for an upcoming exam, and volunteering at local non-profit organizations are just a few of the leadership traits that I have shown at a young age.

^Alright. Here you talk about leadership. Perhaps you can place this earlier, where you first mention leadership and tie it in with a definition as well?

Also, by just stating activities, does not prove you have leadership traits. What was it in these activities that made you feel that you are a leader.

*Ok I went through the rest of your essay and I personally felt that it is mismatched from here onwards. I skim read the rest. I personally feel that after you implement some revision, and fix the chronology of your essay, it will be a lot more effective and can gather a lot more useful input from people on this site.

Undergraduate / Satisfactions from activities as a physician - Columbia University Secondary [36]

Notoman: 'You do not want the word of here. When you use myriad as a noun, you need the word of. When you use it as an adjective (like you have done here), you omit the word of.'

Right vietfun2k, I mistook 'myriad' as a noun. It was me who suggested the 'of'.

*I do not know how to quote with the boxes and stuff.

Undergraduate / Satisfactions from activities as a physician - Columbia University Secondary [36]

As a volunteer at SF General Hospital, I have worked closely with ER physicians and witnessed first-hand the priceless satisfactions they obtained from their clinical work.

^I would say they still do...check with other contributors and moderators.

While working and interacting with these physicians, I noticed that their sources of satisfaction come not only from saving lives, but also from daily genuine acts of kindness, such as giving a child a warm hug following a painful treatment. It must be the greatest feeling to help patients recover from life-threatening traumas or achieve complete remission from diseases like cancer.

*The 'must be' makes it seem as if you do not know for definite. This also suggests that you may not actually think so later in the future.

I am very excited for the opportunities and challenges that await me, knowing that, as a physician, I will have a more direct impact on a patient's life and wellbeing. The ability to help patients heal, both physically and psychologically, and allow them to resume their lives is most rewarding and humbling for me . In treating my patients, I look forward to learning from their myriadof medical conditions, as well as their unique life experiences, cultures and values. I hope to establish a healthy doctor-patient relationships on trust and compassion, which will help me to better treat and educate my patients.

^How will you educate your patients, if you are learning about them?

Growing up with severe asthma and limited health care, I had aspired to become a compassionate physician who can provide patient care patiently to the poor and underservedndersevered , both locally and internationally.

^
Didnt you mention in your previous essay that it is rural America you want to help?

My family and I have been very grateful to receive adequate health care through the Medi-Cal program. As an aspiring physician, I long for the opportunity to give back to the community by offering clinical care to those less fortunate. My multicultural upbringing and empathy for the sick and poor will help me to better understand and connect with people from different walks of life, thus facilitating the delivery of health care to them.

Finally, I look forward to working in a scholarly community composed of individuals from diverse health disciplines who share a common passion: to touch the lives of others through medicine. Here, I can learn from my mentors and collaborate with my colleagues to properly diagnose and manage the care of my patients. I wish to join hands with them in clinical research, where I can integrate science and medicine to find solutions to the health challenges afflicting today's society. As a physician, I will receive true satisfaction from caring for patients, offering health care to underserved communities, and resolving current health problems through research.

^The last paragraph I do not think is necessary, so it does not really address the question. It is more of a 'why Columbia essay'.

I still think some of your points have a fair amount of controversy, but that is just my opinion lol.
Good luck with Columbia. If you do not mind me asking, what are your SAT Scores like?

Graduate / MBA demanding/challenging situation Essay [9]

SecuringHaving secured a job at company T, a leading company in the field of communication, was overwhelming especially in athe market scenario of 2002 when there was an overall slowdown in the technology sector. Although the compensation offered was not up to my expectations, company T was still the lifeline as my family's financial position at that time was not very good, and my salary was crucial to meet the household expenses. "I will prove myself very soon to deserve a promotion and a considerable hike", I heard saying myself on the first day of my professional career.

As days went by, my professional experience turned out to be completely different than what I had expected and dreamed of during my previous predictable student life.

^the bold part does not quite gel in with the sentence. Consider revising it or just omit it.

After a month of induction training I was assigned a project in 3rd generation wireless domain, a field totally alien to me. My job was very demanding and involved writing complicated codes for advanced (3G) mobile phone applications . Since everything was new to me I was finding the going a tad too difficultfound things quite difficult . It was during this time that Shankar, one of my colleagues, went out of his way to help me complete my assignments and he did this without any expectation . He helped me with my work for three consecutive months. As it happens with most things in life, Eventually , this phase of challenge passed and I came up triumphant, thanks to the help rendered by Shankar.

'phase of challenge'...not quite feeling it.
how were you 'triumphant'.

At the end of the year, my contribution to the project was recognized and I was rewarded with good grades and a salary hike. I was happy that ultimately I could achieve what I aspired for but my happiness was short lived. I discovered that my friend, who had helped me during my project, had not fared well as his official contribution to this project was very a lot less.

I was now faced with the tough question, as to whether toI should report to my manager about my friend's role in my achievements or to just ignore the incidentnot . The easy way out was to sit silently and bask in my newfound glory. On the other hand there was athe potential risk of losing my hike and my reputation. I also risked jeopardizing my future growth in company T. DiscussingI discussed ]the issue at hand this issue with my parents and after a deep subsequentsubsequent deep reflection, I finally decided to go ahead and shareinform my manager about Shankar's involvement in my success . I was very nervous about how my manager reacts would react to the news . To my great surprise, my manager appreciated my honesty and courage and took steps to salvage my friend's appraisal in the light of these new revelations. I felt a surge of relief pass through me and felt that a great weight had been removed from my conscience.

I feel that my action then was justified not only because it was the fair thing to do but also because it did a lot of good to me in the long run. Apart from gaining a trustworthy friend, it established my credentials as an honest and upright man and helped me to get many positions of responsibilities later. Apart from my personal gains, my action did a lot of good to the work environment at my office, as people realized that honesty and helpfulness were a valued attributes and that it really paid to be nice guy!!

^The double exlamation mark does show an informal approach to this essay...

This experience reinforced my conviction that an ethical behavior is always the best option, no matter how difficult it might be in the short term.

^ethical behaviour difficult in the short term?

Few mistakes here and there. By the way, what was the challenging situation? THe project. Or telling the manager about Shankar?

Undergraduate / Medical Secondary [26]

Unfortunately, there is also athis wide gap between urban and rural health care systems also exists in America. In joining the Columbia-Bassett Program, I will pursue a medical education that will allow me to apply medical knowledge and skills in daily clinical practice to treat patients from undersevered rural communities.

^In Vietnam or America. You talk about Vietname in the first sentence, so I get the impression that this has motivated you to want to learn about medical practice. Then you talk about America. So which one do you want to help?

*Btw guys, is it a 'medical education'??

I look forward to learning rural medicine and hope to continue providing medical care and service to rural residents during my professional practice.
^
Pardon my ignorance, but can one actually study 'rural medicine' and 'urban medicine'?
*Continue providing medical care? Make sure that that part is only included if you are already doing something. If not, then revise your grammar, because otherwise, it can be quite misleading.

I'mI am very excited to join hand withthe experienced physicians of Bassett Healthcare to improve the health care systems of rural communities in upstate New York.

^K, so I guess you are not going to help Vietnam.
I am not sure, but does that not seem a bit insensitive. You have actually 'experienced' a lack of health infrastructure in your remote rural village in Vietnam. You have not, however, 'experienced' the rural American health care system. Yet, you would prefer to donate your time to America? Even though the Vietnamese rural communities would probably be in more need of qualified doctors?

I do not want you to get the impression that I am questionning your morality or decency here, however, I am questioning as to why you would even mention the Vietnam part. It kind of prepared me to hear something personal about you and your willingess to improve something that you have 'experienced' and something that your sentiments are not very positively expressed towards.

Also, why would you only focus on upstate New York? Perhaps, you can develop your reasons for this?
See what other people think. And yea, guys, is 'medical education' the right term here?
Good luck vietfun2k

Scholarship / MBA Scholarship Short Personal Statement [12]

In April this year, after my wife had a high-cost surgery to save my baby daughter and herself from a risky illness of pregnancypregnancy related illness,to do the MBA seemed impossible. My moral got low. However, mythis life experience has prepared metaught me how to prepare,to affront and solve difficult problems. The encouragement comes to me doing the goal of MBA possible again. To do extreme saving and to get funds from aid events organized by friends and I have been necessary to continue with the plan.

^
As Simone said, the first part is interesting as it is of a personal experience. However, this does not bring diversity. You can however say, how the life experience has presented you with a set of skills that, are perhaps uncommon or unique, and how you would display these skills at the MBA program...(That would be contributing to diversity)

*Whatever I highlighted in bold, is what I thought was irrelevant and to some extent, did not make sense.

Having worked for an international mining company , applying information technology will allowbringingcan bring a different perspective and generatinge valuable discussions with students and faculty.

*I do not quite get the point here. I thought you were going to relate IT to a mining company, however you do not seem to do so. Unless you were implying that because of your experience at an intenrational mining company, studying IT will allow you to 'whatever you wrote.' In that case, not necessarily. Unless you can develop that point, I would not suggest even including it.

Competitive personnel, demanding internal customers and under-pressure work have been part of my work environment. Moreover, my empathy has allowed people trust in meto trust me in working excellently in a team.achieving an excellent teamwork.

*You may want to say how your work environment has developed you and presented you with a 'DIVERSE' set of skills that you could bring to the MBA Program.

My vision to create the first non-profit-organization for business analysis in Peru is oriented to help companies and professionals to generate value-added projects.
^Grammar is weak, which confuses the meaning of the sentence.

I started the creation on November 2008 and by now twenty four people are members of the organization. This experience and my idea to create a company focused on mining are part of my entrepreneurship spirit that I will share in the MBA.

^
I thought your company was for business analysis?

My family and I will be glad to share time with Australian people like playing soccer, inviting Peruvian food or helping community with Lions Club.

^Ok the sentence needs work. However, your football skills, your willingess to work with the Lions Club, and your ability to cook Peruvian cuisine are all activities that make you a 'diverse' person. With the Peruvian food, you are contributing to cultural diversity. You can contribute your set of ideas to the Lions Club, and if you can play like Claudio Pizarro :P, then you are also contributing your footballing skills.

Address some of Simone's points. She has made some good and relevant ones.

Essays / American Literature Thesis [6]

Great Gatsby centers heavily around the American Dream.
There is a lot of symbolism, about the American Dream, in the novel.
Naturally, if you have read the story, you would also know that the entire Gatsby image is based on the American Dream, and that his rise and death are symbolic for the success of the American Dream as well.

Graduate / SOP for PhD in mechanical/industrial engineering [14]

I wanted to be a part of an industry that was an important part of every other business, and. this is why I wanted to be a part of the manufacturing industry. From information technology to pharmaceutical sciences, if you had a product , manufacturing was a prominent part of your business. This is exactly the reason why I chose to get a Bachelor of Engineering in Production Engineering at D. J. Sanghvi College of Engineering, Mumbai University.

Through my bachelors, I was able to learn different key aspects of production through subjects like Manufacturing Engineering, Production Management, Total Quality Management and Productivity Techniques. Apart from the theoretical knowledge, I gained invaluable practical knowledge through the internship at Godrej & Boyce Manufacturing Ltd. I got the opportunity to work at the tool room at Godrej, one of Asia's leading tool rooms.

During my tenure, I got hands on training in the industry, however, what caught my eye was the delays in a lot of projects due to lack of resource allocation, and improper time management leadingwhich lead to heavy loses. If this was the position of one of the leading manufacturing plants in Asia, there was a lot to be concerned about. With the western countries offloading majority of production orders to India and China, such loses could definitelyshould not be tolerated.

This situation encouraged me to get my Master of Science in Engineering Management at Northeastern University. The rigorous curriculum at Northeastern enabled me to get knowledgeenlightened meabout on the core aspects of manufacturing. Through subjects like Operations Research, Engineering Project Management and Logistics, Warehousing & Scheduling, I was able to enhanceenhanced my knowledge of theis field. I even took up subjectsstudied like Economic Decision Making and Financial Management for Engineers so that I would be able to understand projects from a financial point of viewperspectiveas well.

Though my masters degree has given me a lot of information regarding project management and manufacturing, I would like to learn more and do research in the Just-in-time (JIT) strategy, andas well asalso Material Requirements Planning (MRP) and Manufacturing Resource Planning (MRP II). I believe that these strategies and practices can prove crucial in reducing loses infor companies like Godrej, and also in the Asian manufacturing industry. Through my research, I would like to reinstate the importance of JIT and MRP, which seems to be on a decline in this generation, and prove that these methods can prove critical in manufacturing. Prof. Surendra Gupta's research on these topics is something I am particularly looking forward to working on.

I truly enjoyed my time at Northeastern University as a masters student and would love to come back for a doctorate degree. I hope that you will give my application due consideration and humbly request the admission committee to consider my application for available financial assistance in the department. I hope to hear favorably from you soon.

As Sean said, the first paragraph needs a tense change. SO do other parts actually. I highlighted some in bold, but did not do so for some other areas.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays people care more about their appearance more than before. Do you agree? [11]

We are living in today's modern society,in which many people care more about their appearance.

There are many boutiques,and fashion shops servedto cater for young people.
^
By the way, a percentage of old people are also concerned with their appearance.

It is very good if you have good appearance'to be visually appealing',
^I put that in speech marks, because I do not know if that is the effect you were actually going for.

In my opinion,youone should pay just enough attention to yourhis/her physical appearance because values inside your body are the most important things. OR 'YOUR INNER BEAUTY IS THE MOST IMPORTANT'

In the past decades , when people just only caredabout their first and essential demand that is of food***,Nowadayswhen people feel satisfied with th isinstinctive demand, they are looking for the others to make them feel happy and pleased.

^**I would have to say that people's instincts demand food and shelter.

Someone people like shopping, playing football, tennis or going to the gym... these will make people feel more confident and help them work diligently and more effectively.

^You take an informal approach here.

Moreover, there are a lot of jobs that require perfect appearance, for example: compere, actor and actress, receptionist, marketing assistant...
^Ok, not the best sentence. Also, not all of these professions require people to look good.

People do these jobs must have perfect appearance because they communicate much with others and often appear on TV or other kinds of media.
^
Revise this sentence.

Although your abilities and your skills are the key to succeeds , but appearance plays a very important role in yourlife.

If you have aBy looking goodgood appearance , youone can easily communicate with others and that makes your work more influent.
^
I did not get the part I highlighted in bold. I have seen nerds and geeks, as well as dorks and losers, who look far from good, communicating to other people easily. They also get good grades.

Also, there are some good looking people out there who use a lot of 'duhsss' in their sentences. That, is poor communication.

In a job interview or meeting with a customer, first impressionsis very grand, even it would beare everything. The interviewee will judge you through your appearance first or if you are staff of a company you will be your company's representative talking with client.

^
I do believe that visual appeal is quite important in today's world. But come on, you can not say with such surety that the interviewers judge an applicant by his looks.

Nowadays, some people concentrate too much on their appearance, thatIt is not necessary, evenas it is just a waste of time. You do not have to wear clothes like a superstar while you just normally do a job not like a star.

^Wow the bold part is bad.

Most importantly, you must learn how to get dressed and behave in each situation in your life.

*Ok, your essay does not seem to have a clear train of thought. You do offer both sides, both rather poorly. I do not get which side you are on. Also, your 'facts' are just opinions. Your grammar needs some work on as well. I think your essay needs work. Focus.

If you are weighing up the two sides, for an argument, then do so. However, develop your ideas and evaluate and come up with a conclusion.

Undergraduate / Medical Secondary [26]

Ooo Columbia. Cool, I did not quite make the cut last year. I take it you are applying Early Decision then.

'I grew up in a rural village myself, and I have experienced seen first-hand the lack of comprehensive health care in remote areas.
^I assume you meant 'see'. If it was an experience, then perhaps you should talk about it. But then again, Columbia doesnt offer much character/word space.

I strongly believe that all ill patients deserve quality care, and the greatest potential of medicine is reached only when it becomes boundless.
^I do not get that second part. How can it ever be reached, if it is boundless?

It's inspiring to know that the Columbia-Bassett Program shares the same views. In joining this unique program, I pursue one of my enduring aspirations, which is to make medical care and services equally accessible across socioeconomic boundaries.

^Will the Columbia Basset Program alone help you do that. Also, it is such a huge task, can just this program make it possible?

I'm very excited by the prospect of working alongside experienced physicians of Bassett Healthcare and devoted classmates of Columbia University to serve the rural community of Cooperstown, NY.'

^You see, here you just mention one rural area. Before you said 'across socio economic boundaries'.
Also, if you have seen poor health care in your remote rural village, I would have expected that place to have been a higher priority, especially if it was

'an experience'

I understand that when doing these essays, 'Why Us', etc, it does require one to compliment that university and program. However, I got the impression that your approach to this essay was 'What does Columbia want to hear?' rather than 'What does Columbia want to hear about me?'

My two cents.

Essays / From Kyrgyzstan to Oxford [23]

Kyrgyzstan is in sore need of political reforms and a good P resident.
^You should say why. What is wrong with the current economic policies and the President?

I am the emerging leader, someone who hopes to start a new party and one day gain the presidency, someone with many of the skills and characteristics necessary for such an achievement, but not yet someone who has done more than win student-level awards and elections.

^Wow, I read above that there were some comments suggesting that you should implement modesty in your essay. Here, you just praise yourself. You also make it sound as if starting a new governmental party can be done very easily and the process of gaining presidency is rather unchallenging. At least, that is what I interpet.

I would say, remove this entire part. You compliment yourself and you do not come across as someone that understands the complexities of a position in the government.

Leading people is my talent.
^
I can not wait to read the next sentence :)

During my school years, I dedicated most of my time to the student organization "Moving Forward", editingwhich focused on editingour the school's monthly student newspaper and building it' s website. Nowadays I am advisingadvise the current President of this student body on all organizations and multimedia questions.

^
All organizations? Ranging from Anti-Gay rights to Unicef?
Wow, that is impressive.

Our biggest achievement has been to put together the university referendum and bring on a new university constitution.
^'Our': Was this the student organisation's achievement, or yours and the current President's achievement?

**You never really talked about how leading people is your talent. You just mentioned consultation and how you were part of some student organisation.

As someone in charge of media, I work with the US embassy in implementing our mission to make every student academically honest.

Charisma, willingness and self confidence made me the head of my faculty at Kyrgyz Economic University.
^Can you develop, on what made you so charismatic?

Together with peers we organized concerts, competitions, debates, trainings and interactive games.
^
Who is 'we'

Such activities started when I was 15 and teacher staff relied on me and chose me to participate in interactive show on national channel to represent my school.

^Revise your grammar.

I had excellent knowledge of Mathematics, History and Geography.
^
Really? Prove it.

Sports activities are important forto me because I strongly believe "A sound mind in a sound body". That is why I was part of basketball team of high school #27 and the swimming team of Kyrgyz Economic University. I won the Award from Bishkek city mayor for the best song at the national interuniversity festival "Bishkek Spring-2007". Everything mentioned above has made me comprehensively developed and opened for every new experience so that I can easily make friends with every person.

^LOL. comprehensively developed? What???
Every new experience? Geez. Make friends with every person? Man, it takes more than just to play basketball, swim, and song in a competition to be able to make such grand claims. It kind of also depends on your personality, rather than your activities. The activities however, can develop aspects of your personality.

The best of the best students from all around Kyrgyzstan came to the international scientific student conference at International University of Kyrgyzstan in 2007.
^
Some parts needs caps locks. How are these students the best? Academically? Sports? Both?

I was one of them reporting about "Developing Economy of the Kyrgyzstan after revolution in 2005". My critical skills helped me to answer all questions from committee and the smartest students. I found out solutions to local problems using very good analytical skills.

^...

Finally I won the Diploma of the 1st degree and my report was chosen to be published.
^K, that is impressive and should be developed on. You can use this, and use it to back up your claims on how you are 'the best'.

It is known that the UK has got world recognition as a powerful democratic civilization with a strong economic position.
^So does America...

The UK education system is totally different from that of Kyrgyz and more challenging.
^
How is it more challenging?

The University of Oxford University will be the best place to attain education, international experience, and an opportunity to explore more different ideas, discover new things and advantageous knowledge as well.

I hope University of Oxford will be eager to be part of the process by helping to educate an emerging leader such as me.
^Universities such as Oxford love to educate people who can emerge as leaders in the future. You are suggesting you are already a leader. Do not do this. Say how you are in the process of developing your leadership skills, and how you want to develop them further. If you are such a 'complete leader', why on earth would you need Oxford. Hitler never needed a University degree.

Also, it is Oxford University.
Also, what is different from being educated at Oxford, than perhaps, University of Manchester? Both are in the UK, and studying in the UK was a strong point to you...

What can Oxford offer, that perhaps Manchester, or other Unis in UK, can not?

After graduation, I would like to work at the World Bank in Kyrgyzstan to reduce poverty and contribute to sustainable development. I have helped hundreds of my relatives and friends because "There may be times when you cannot find help, but there is no time when you cannot give help." George Morriam.

^
So what help did you give? I am led to believe that you just helped clear the table once in a while, seeing as how you did not actually mention any specific help you offered.

Most of them strongly believe that I could be very perspective president and they with their friends would vote for me.
^
Obviously. They are your close ones. When it comes to a Presidential election however, you do not just rely on your families and friends support.

These days I am working with future plans and reforms for Kyrgyzstan.
^Like what?
K, you are part of a student group? Are you daring to suggest that that alone, is 'working with future plans and reforms for Kyrgyzstan.'

I believe in God and hope to start a new party and one day gain the presidency to personally make a lasting difference in the lives of nearly 6 billion people around the world will live forever in me. "Change lives, change organizations, change the World".

^Lousy ending.

*Look dear,
If you are applying to Oxford for a grad program, then boy does this essay need CONSIDERABLE AMOUNTS of work. You present yourself as someone who thinks they are very capable, however offer very limited explanations on what makes you so capable.

Quite frankly, I thought your essay was garbage, especially for Oxford standards.
You talk about wanting to work at the World Bank, and then become President.
Many people have these aspirations, including myself, however I will not admit it on my essay unless I have proof to show that I am capable of getting these positions.

You talk about it as if it is an easy process.
You also talk about yourself as if you are the best.
These are not leadership qualities.
Your essay seems to lack focus and understanding of the future. You also do not talk about what subject you want to study and why.

This is a GRADUATE ESSAY FOR UK. You need to talk about what it is you want to study, and why and how it can help you. YOU DO NOT DO THAT AT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL

If you really care about going to Oxford, show it.
For the most part, your grammar is quite weak, as evident from the lack of capitals at time and endless sentences which are in clear need of punctuation.

You are applying to Oxford. Brush up.

Writing Feedback / 'minimum obligations' [TOEFL] Who enjoyed/enjoy life better? Older or Young? [6]

With a rapid advancements in technology and medical science, a growing number of people nowadays are seeking for ways to pursue a better quality of lifestyle. In relation to this phenomenon, the question has been arisen as to whether older people enjoy their life more than young people do . In my opinion, I fervently believe that young people are more capable of enjoyingenjoy their lifelives more than the elders mainlydue to theirthe youthful being in better physical condition and less responsilities to take.having less responsibilities.

First of all, most people are generally in their best shape when they are young. It is obvious that unlike young people, senior citizens have comparably weak physical conditionare comparitively physically weaker which hinders them from enjoying activities that requires h hone witealthy body.being healthy . For example, my Grandfater used to hike up thea mountain induring his adolescence, but.Now he is unable to do so as he had been experiencing withdue tofailure s in his health. As this example illustrates , young people are more likely to enjoy their lifeves than elders by taking advantage of their good physical health.

Furthermore, teenagers have less obligations to be taken into their consideration that often hampers one from enjoying his/her life. As people grow older, they start takinghave more responsibilities in their life such as supporting not only themselves financially but their family financiallyfamilies as well . In this sense, they have lack of timedo not have time to spend forwith themselves after taking care of all the duties that are essential. Take my mother for example,she is a full time worker and work ing for fourty hours a week. So she normally comes back home at about five o'clock. However, she still have s to keep herself busy by cooking meals and helping me with my homeworks even after the hectic hours she has just spent at her workplace. Like this, young people can spend more time for themselves by taking less responsibilities.

^I do not get that last part.

In conclusion, although some might argue that older people enjoy their life more than young people, it seems to me that there are more opportunities for young people to enjoy their livesdue to to their optimal physical condition and minimum obligations.

I do not know how the TOEFL essays are marked. If it is based on grammar, there have been some grammatical errors here. I have made some attempt to correct these, however other contributors may find others.

Undergraduate / 'in disbelief and shock after our win' - University of Florida essay [24]

Reviewing your essay, and some of my input, some further changes can be made.

"Yeah!" screamed Sergey, my team member, from the stands. My teammate Howard and I had just scored and five. Five seconds later, we heard the buzzer. The stadium was quiet and everybody waited for the referees to count the scores. As I was staringstared at the scoreboard, the referees announced the scores. Our team grasped victory by only two points. I was in disbelief and shock; I couldn'tnot utter a single word.

When I turned to the stands, my team jumped up in excitement and ran screaming "WE WON WOO HOO!" Everybody gave each other high fives and hugs;because we had just won the first placeFirst Place in the First Tech Challenge state competition.

FTC is a robotics competition in which high schools create a robot to perform certain functions in a field. After eight months and endless toils work on the robot, for 8 months, we actually won first place in the whole state of Florida.

^I do no think you can specify the time, and then juxtapose it with 'endless' toils. I think you can, however, I am not advocating this. Try and come up with another expression. Unless other contributors are fine with this. Seeing as how you have taken, 98 percent of my advice already, I would omit the 'endless toils' part.

That was one of theis the most momentous achievements in my high school career.
^I understand that you may be trying to say that you have had many achievements in high school. However, do you really need to show that off? Make it look like this event is something you are really proud of, so that it comes off as stronger and more personal.

It all started back in September of 2008 when a close group of friends and I formed a team. We received all of our building supplies andas well as some the information about the competition. After that, we then brain stormed on the visuals and functions of the robot. Everybody contributed ideas and after what seemed like a century of trial and error, we finally had a good idea on how we were going to build our robot.

^How can it be trial and error? You have not even started to construct the robot. Nothing, was actually tried and tested to see if would fail. You were deciding, HOW you were going to build the robot.

Or at least that is what we thought. The building process was met with one failure after another; we built one segment only to see it interfere with another. Occasionally, the robot just refused to function whatsoever. This process of buildingThe building process continued for the following seven consecutive months until we finally finished creating the robot. We took a step back, to from what he had just created,analyze what we have created and. Doubts , on even coming close to first place, crawled into everybody's mind about even coming close to first place. Regardless we went ahead, and it turns out that after all of our hard work, we had constructed a decent machine.

This event has thoughttaught me a lot about myself. all the doubts I had about the robot actually turned into a fuel that kept my mind working at optimal efficiency, so I had perceive any of the mistakes and correct them .

^You became a fuel? lol, now that is a superpower.
You never discussed keeping your mind working efficiently. You never corrected any mistakes. If anything, you come across as a person who thought that the robot featured a LOT of mistakes, seeing as how you thought you could not finish anywhere near top place.

The disbelief and uncertainty in my work sharpened my mind instead of clouding it.
^How and when? Like I said right above, you thought you would not win.

This is the type of behavior I will bring to University of Florida, an analyzing mind that will push itself further and beyond all boundaries to be triumphant in my goals and dreams.

^As Simone said, an analyzing mind is not a form of behavior. What are your goals and dreams? How will you push yourself further? You do not even remotely discuss about having pushed yourself further in this essay, what makes you suddenly believe you can do it if you are trying to relate it to this essay?

Writing Feedback / The eating habits and lifestyle of children in different countries/generations. [10]

In conclusion, there are number of benefits of eating homemade food when it is compared to fast food, and takeaways. Parents should make their children be aware of these benefits so those children will avoid having an unhealthy eating habit and lifesytle. Eventually, they will become healthy individuals.

^Lol no. Just by omitting poor eating habits and lifestyle does not make you a healthy individual.

I would say you need to evaluate. I do not have any research to prove this, but havent people nowadays become more interested in fitness and sports compared to previous generations?

You give a very narrow viewed answer to this question, by focusing only on home meals vs fast food..
Also, you take a very subjective approach to this question, and the subjectivity is made painstakingly obvious.
You say that this is a time essay. Looking at it, it looks like an essay that was done in 10 minutes.

Undergraduate / 'in disbelief and shock after our win' - University of Florida essay [24]

I would not say it is wrong. However, the general philosophy in your essay is quite unnecessary. You just make it general. You do not show how it applies to you specifically, or how you abide by these philosophies. I think you should considering doing that, because in turn, it reveals more about your character.

Just stating something does not quite reveal the true 'you' if you know what I mean.
Also, given the essay question, just going for a general philosophy may not be the ideal approach.

The essay question is 'write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.'

It is not asking for a general philosophy. It is asking for how a meaningful experience, can affect your college experience or your contribution the the University of Florida's campus...

So Id say you need to structure your closing paragraphs so that it directly addresses the question.

Undergraduate / 'in disbelief and shock after our win' - University of Florida essay [24]

'Yeah!' screamed Sergey, my team member, from the stands. My teammate Howard and I had just scored and five seconds later, we heard the buzzer. The stadium was quiet and everybody waited for the referees to count the scores. As I was staring s at the scoreboard, theythe referees announced the scores and .I see our team has grasped victory by only two points. I was in disbelief and shock; I couldn't utter one word or sound.

^You do not utter sounds.
Also, I can see that you are rewriting this experience, that distintively occured only once in the past, in the present tense. This is incorrect. I have suggested, the use of the past tense, in my 'corrections'.

When I turned to the stands I my whole , my team jumped up in excitement and ranover to the d* (What is the 'd') screaming ' We won , woo hoo!' Everybody gave each other high fives and huggings , exuberance emits from us because we have had just won first place in a state competition called the First Tech Challenge state competition .

FTC is a robotics competition where in which high schools create a robot to perform certain functions in a field, and afterAfter endless toils overon this robot, for 8 months, we have actually won first place in the whole state of Florida.

That was one of the most momentous achievements in my whole high school career. It all started back in September of 2008 when we first formed our team, which consisted of a close group of friends of mine.a close group of my friends and I formed a team.

We received all of our building supplies and the information about the competition,After that, we went straight to brain-storming on how our robot will look and what type of functions it needed to perform.brain stormed on the visuals and functions of the robot. Everybody contributed ideas and, after what seemed like a century of trial and error, we finally gothad a good idea on how we were going to build our robot,.Or at least thatsis what we thought. The building process was met with one failure after another,. we built one segment only to see to interfere with another, and, of course, if it wasn't one failure, it was another.

^I do not get that sentence...

Occasionally the robot just refused to function whatsoever. This process of building continued for the following seven months until we finally finished the robot with great doubts in our mind of even coming close to 1st place.

^The robot had great doubts??
Or, did YOU HAVE GREAT DOUBTS IN YOUR MIND OF EVEN COMING...etc

ButRegardless we went ahead anyway , and it turns out that after all of our bickering, we constructed a decent machine.
^You never quite mentioned bickering. I am not saying that you have to, but your essay does seem to mainly focus on failure, which I assumed was due to the difficulty you guys had in assembling a properly working robot?

TheseeventsThis event will help me in my college career , because theyit shows that no matter how much you one thinksyouone have failed or how much you assumeone assumes is wrong, if you perform your best you could succeed in anything you put your mind to.

^Do not use 'you'. You are specifically targeting the reader in that
case. Make it more general, and replace 'you' with 'one'. If you want to make it personal, use 'I' or 'me'.
Also, the final line needs some revision. Try and polish it up a bit.

It proves that you should never give up,and have integrity to push through all the hardships, and have responsibilitybe responsible to perform your duties as best and efficiently as possible, as a resultSubsequently , you will always be triumphant.

^K I get what you are trying to sa. However, whilst those may be tools to success, you make it sound as if that is all it requires. You also make it sound as if it is really easy lol.

The essay question is:

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service'

You described a meaningful event, however you do not address how this meaninful event will contribute to the UF campus community.
When read, your essay is as if you are telling us your 'meaningful event', and then you make general philosophies...

Writing Feedback / Leaders in my life (16 years so far) [8]

^I agree with Simone's comments. All of them are incredibly valid points.

Through my sixteen years of living, I have encountered various leaders.
^Such as? Perhaps, you can remove this sentence. It does not serve any useful purpose.

However, none has influenced me quite like my father, Donald Isler.
^no 'one'

Many people might argue that your father is your average role model, but my father is nothing like the average.
^My father? MY FATHER? Dont bring him into this :P

My father taught me to strive for the best, and anything worth having is worth working for.
^Yea, Simone is right. Most fathers do give this advice. That would make it, the 'average' thing for a father to do.

He has always stressed the importance of getting a good education. He regularly tells me, "Without an education, you have nothing."
^
I doubt most fathers say otherwise.

I have withheld these words with me threw all of my education. I admire my father not only for his actions, but more of what he represents, a strong father/husband.

^Is he your father, and your husband? lool
Does just giving regular parental advice make him, a 'strong' father.

What exactly is the essay question?

Undergraduate / The personal statements for University of Wisconsin, [5]

One thing that I am particularly sure about myself is my love of exploration, analysis, and planning.
^Which 'one thing' are you particularly sure about yourself.
Furthermore, I dont think you need to say 'particularly sure'. It is as if you are trying to convince yourself as well, since other people may have alternate opinions about you???

When this quality (You listed loads above, which one are you referring to?)
of mine came across with my growing background and environments, my passion of becoming an elite businesswoman was formed.
^How cliche? Exploration, planning and analysis= passion of an elite buiness woman? Hmmmm. If I read those three 'qualities', I would have expected you to state some thing along the lines of academia to be honest. And what is an 'elite' business woman? lol

The numerous cities I have stayed and visited, andas well as the very different kinds of governments I lived under ofhave been a part of , have gradually shaped my interest in the field of international business.

^Ok I read your next sentence. You do not quite say how it has shaped your interest. Personally, I have visited places from Austria to Switzerland to Tanzania. However, that does not necessarily imply that these experiences can shape an interest in international business. If you make such a claim, I think it is appropriate to say, how it has shaped your interest. What is it about these experiences, that made you interested in International Business?

The focus of the business courses that Purdue offers are way too far from international business,
^not the right expression. I also believe that the subject deserves capital letters

thisThis is exactly why I am considering transferring to University of Wisconsin. I want to prepare myself by presenting myself to a more challenging and focused program.

^You did not talk about Purdue's courses being challenging. So why, did you suddnely bring it up here?
I am not a transfer student, so I can not say. However, is it the right approach to disparage your course like this? What if you do not get in. Does that mean you have to stick with this program that you do not seem to truly appreciate?

Shakespeare once wrote: In nature's infinite books of secrecy/ Only a little I can read. People are always exploring and learning throughout the process of living, education backgrounds and living environments are one's most nutritious ponds to explore.

Due to my father's job as a general manager in a major food company in Asia, I have been moving around in China and Taiwan since the age of three.

^Shakespeare talked about his father's job in Asia? Wow..that is enlightening.

I have lived in four major cities in China - Guangzhou, Nanjing, Beijing, and Shanghai - which were back thenpreviously four really undeveloped cities.

*How are they major cities. Develop on that. Cities can be major in terms of economic growth, tourist destinations, financial hubs, fashion capitals etc..I think 'major' is a very loose term.

I witnessed how these cities slowly transforminged into major metropolitan cities, and how these cities are bringing the economics of China into the next glamorous stage. So when I first studyiedE conomics at high school, I grew an interest in the subject, I learned to use the concepts learned in class to analyze the economic development Chinas is undergoing. What I learned in class was just a little compare to what the universities teach.

^What on earth, are you trying to say??

But as Shakespeare said, what we can learn from the environments is infinite, and I simply was combining what I learned with my living environment to explore more about the vast field of business.

^I thought you were analysis the economy...How did business suddenly come in. I understand that the two are related, however both academic disciplines are different. So are both the terms, 'economy' and 'business'.

The process of learning is always full of challenges, yet the fruits ones get throughout the exploration are always the exciting sources their life.
^Not really. Some people realy do not care about learning. Learning, is not exciting to many people.
Furthermore, this sentence needs grammar revision.

My love to analyze pretty much guaranteed my absolute interest in liberal art subjects; I am especially fond of subjects such as literature, history, and politics. I always enjoy reading historical contexts and novels, because this is where

^
You are not referring to a place. 'Where' should not be used.

one can meet all kinds of people; this is the place where ones learns what a community is, and this is where ones learn how to deal with different kind of people while keeping the community in peace.

^
*Look, 'one', is singular!
How does reading historical context and novels keep the community in peace? That is absolutely, ridiculous.

There are endless things we can learn from human beings, people changes easily, and if ones cannot grab the changes well enough, the decisions ones make might not be good enough for a healthy entity.

^REVISE GRAMMAR.
Liberal arts is just another "infinite book" for us to explore, and this is what I enjoyed doing.

Moreover, I have been living under two very different regimes - the democratic Taiwan and the communist China. These two countries have a very constraint relationship, studying in China I inevitably would encounter some unpleasant challenges from the Chinese.

^Replace the comma with a full stop.
Also, I do not get it. Will you face encounters, or have you faced encounters. Either way, adjust your sentence so that it is clear.

Yet I learned to deal with these challengers smartly without losing my Taiwanese pride, because I know being in a community ones have to be thoughtful of others' political view.

^Again, 'one' is singular!

Honestly, it feels very funny to see an extremely socialist country slowly making its way to democracy.
^Does it feel funny?

While I was in high school, I was the president of the Charity Club. With the cooperation of the members and also my management, we managed to plan and organize many successful donation activities, in which the previous president did not succeed to.

^I really do not like how you were bringing up an interesting point on China's political system, and then suddenly talked about high school again.

I also do not like how you think you were much better than the previous president. Your tone shows off a level of arrogance. Whilst I am definitely arrogant in person, I would not want any Admissions Counselor to note it in my application.

I am now working as a student associate in Purdue's dinning court. Even though I already know that a team member should be as supportive as possible, yet being a team member myself let me truly understand how a supportive team is crucial for its success, and how a supportive team can create a more friendly community. Surely, there must have some suggestions for the management of the dining court, and listening to those suggestions will certainly create a better team and community. Through working as a leader and also as a team member, I learned how to be more supportive, and I also realized that I am pretty good at planning and organizing.

^Wow. Once again, you kind of reveal this attitude that you think you are very competent. Do you have any award or something to prove this competence. If not, I would not suggest this very subjective approach.

While I find those scientific subjects (including mathematics) challenging, yet my discipline and my determination help me to get good grades for these subjects.
^What would you classify as 'good grades'.

I hope and intend to bring my passion for knowledge and love of organizing community activities to University of Wisconsin, togetheralongside with my discipline and determination. And I am certain I will be one of the proud alumni of Wisconsin Madison. Thank you for your attention and I look forward to hearing from the admission office soon.

^Dont start a sentence with 'And'.
And dont say that you 'will be certain'. Just say that you will be proud. Come off with a firm approach, that you realllllllllllllly want to be part of Wisconsin Madison.

I also think you should thank them for their time, rather than attention. That is if you really want to include that sentence. I guess you can omit it alltogether.

I may look at your other essay later, but not now. I think I have devoted a fair amount of time to what I have already made some contribution to.

Undergraduate / Undergraduates essay to UCF [5]

"Lights, camera, action!" I yelled to my cousins as we filmed the closing scene for our sequel to the film "Zoolander." John, our makeshift Zoolander, wearingwore a tight pair of bell-bottoms and a pink t-shirt, courtesy of my sister Emily , repeats the closing line to our short film with theas the excitement from his face faded to disinterest. Suddenly, I realized that the fate (I think 'fate' is the incorrect word to use here.) of our films rests in thisdepended on this last take's delivery as. The second our star loses interestJohn lost interest, naturally everything along with the film will lose it's quality as well, (a suggestion on how to rephrase it. If you can come up with something better, use it) he will inevitably take the rest of our four person cast and crew with him, andtell himI told himvery seriously, as I am a year older than him, that he needs to say the line correctly...or else. He delivered the line perfectly.

^(The '...' is so anticlimatic. It just prepares the readers for something lame)

Of course the movie we made ended up being outright nonsense that we still look to as cinematic genius that will forever go unsurpassed by everyone.

^Revise this sentence.

But, the fact of the matter is that these group projects that we did together have had a profound effect on the person that I have become .

me

From directinghaving directedthis film, I have gained skills in leadership by understanding how to assert jurisdiction (I am not sure if you 'assert' jurisdiction. See if other people comment on this) over my peers without being forceful or dictatorial, and as a result, I believe I have truly learned how to work gracefully when put into a group work scenario.

^
It is a good thing that I removed the 'or else' part. Because that sounds threatening and forceful, which completely contradicts your stated beliefs above. :)

While from being apart of the cast I have also learned how to work with my peers when put into difficult situations and I have greatly developed my abilities to understand the opinions of colleagues without being judgmental or harsh, and to be considerate of those I am working with.

My family has had a huge impact on the person that I have become-
learning to work with each other, discovering how to become outgoing with my sister when we moved, or gaining my desire to help people and make a difference in my community due to my grandmother's philanthropist work.

^Make that in the past tense so that there is tense parallelism.
The paragraph also needs a fair bit of revision. It is way too long. By the way, it is philanthropic work. Philanthropists are those that do philanthropic work.

Because of the impact my family has had on me, I am prepared to make a difference in the UCF community and further develop who I am alongside my sister, Emily, who is currently attending UCF.

^Nah. Weak.

Are you answering two seperate prompts? Or are you merging two answers in one essay?
Well anyways, you do not talk about any qualities you can contribute to UCF.
Secondly, I would not say you are right on track to answering the first prompt either.
If you want to talk about your granny, you can say how it has been a family tradition to help people, and THAT has influence you to pursue philanthropic activities. That addresses the prompt question, a lot better.

Develop your essay. It needs the development.

Undergraduate / Success could be measured by outcome, effects, or the influences one makes [4]

Simple doings do lead to change, like putting a smile on an orphan's face, be there for an old friend who needs you or to simply treat your younger brother well for a week.

^what change does putting a smile on an orphan's face bring? Or what change does any of the other examples bring?

'I have been always a huge fan of Powerpuff Girls when I was younger,
*(always been , but then you say 'when I was younger', which kind of implies that only when you were younger but yet you say 'always?' REVISE'

and I've always wanted to be the forth Powerpuff. Perhaps I found that cartoon appealing because females were starring in it, and they were the ones responsible of everything'

^What 'perhaps'. Be certain.

'I can correct Islam's misrepresentatives' mistakes just by holding on to my beliefs and beautify my personality by the morals of a Muslim individual, and by satisfying today's needs as much as I am capable of.'

^Unnecessary sentence. It is bad enough it is unclear as to what you are trying to say. It is also unfair to think that you can erase the misconceptions of Islamic radicals just by sticking to your morals, beautifying your personality, and satisfying...'today's needs?'

It is a much bigger mission that that.
Also, given the context, perhaps the word 'morals' should be removed. Morality is highly debatable, and perhaps what you think is decent, may not be for another community. If I were you, remove this sentence. It's message and meaning are ineffective and to some extent, wrong and unclear.

'On the day of 11th of September,September 11th 2001, terrorists, whom might be Muslims, gave the world something terrifying for them to remember.
^The terrorists...gave the world something terrifying so that these terrorists can remember it? World is singular, so it should be 'it '.

I want to give the world something as shocking, only beneficial.
^Woah. Thank goodness you said 'only beneficial'. However, I am not sure if this sentence should be there. I think it should be rephrased. See what the moderators and other contributors think.

I do not think it is right to have an analogy with something such as Septermber 11th, even if you are trying to compare it with a good cause.

This leads me to the next problem: the scarce sources of energy, and saving the environment.
^The concept of terrorism led you to the next problem, which is the scarcity of energy sources?? REVISE.

I am willing to utilize my education to take a next step toward relying on renewable energy sources.
^Revise

By succeeding in my life goal, (WHAT IS YOUR LIFE GOAL?) it would be a challenge for the issue of women's empowerment, as women would realize that we do not wait for chances to make use of, instead, we make our own chances.

^Where did women empowerment come from. To be honest, women have made their own chances in the past. I understand that perhaps in Saudi Arabia, there is the general feeling that women are oppressed, however you can relate this to the global scale. The Democratic Party saw a women as a Presidential Candidate, and she took the opportunities to get there as well as where she is now.

It would require lots of effort and work, as well as the best quality of education which I am going after.
^
Does the quality of education matter? Or do opportunities presented matter instead?

I am concerned about the huge dependence on oil in this world, especially in my country. Running out of oil would cause a huge damage to our country's economy, which might could send us back to tents and on camels.

^
I personally think that is an invalid point (the camels and tents). I do not think Saudi only relies on oil for it's revenue. Saudi also makes considerable revenue from Hajj and Umra visits. Furthermore, Saudi has vast oil supplies. It will be a while till they are depleted.

This point kind of reflects immature thinking. Even if there is no oil, do you really think that the Saudi people will have to abandon their housing and have to settle in tents?

The major I desire was chosenI have chosen is not only for my affection toward chemistry, but also for the reason that I chose to think about individuals other than myself for a change . Not that I never thought of others, but such a major decision in my life that requires dedication and continuation was never given for the sake of someone else before . I will never consider myself successful if I lived for myself, and I never want to be known for anything but making a positive change in this world.

**Are you applying for an Undergrad course? If so, realistically, I am skeptical as to whether just an undergrad degree is capable enough to influence change and do anything to really change.

Also, by studying Chemistry, how do you hope to resolve the oil dependence issue? Do you plan on, perhaps, researching ways to find efficient and alternate sources of energy?

To link it with your definition of success, what positive outcome or effects do you expect to see, or create. If you do talk about research and bla bla, then also realise that the costs are astronomical, and perhaps this money, although cause worthy, could have been used to benefit people who are severely impoverished. Basically, your research projects will cost a lot and help people in the future ahead, even though all that money could have been used to help people in the present. That is a negative influence. That defies your definition of success. Perhaps I went off on a tangent here :P

Anyways, it takes a lot more than just an undergrad with a degree from a fancy University to be able to do something.

Undergraduate / "Recognizing my mistake and a way to fix it" - help me with the repetition :) [5]

"Arrrgg, hell, what is going with me?", woke up in the darkness of five o'clock, I said to myself, as I woke up at five o'clock.myMy head was as hurt as it was hit by a hammerwas hurting, as if it had been struck by a hammer . I had that headachethis same headache the previous night; it was not unusual at first.however, it was not unusual then

'I tried to get back to sleep again, but it was useless, I could not sleep any more. I got out of my bed, drank some cold water, hopingand hoped toI would get better;but there was no change. I decided to get something for my brain to do, for that it may "forget" the sicknessto do something so as to distract myself from the sickness at hand . I put on my coat thenand took a walk around my town which was cover in pitch black,dark , completely silent and immersed in cold fog. On the way (Way to where, you never quite said) , I thought mindlessly about many things, bad things, good things, the past and future thingsthe futureand something for myself

. Events from past to present appear and disappear unexpectedly, I felt I was walking in aisles of a library and watching the documents of my life.'

^Do not get that last sentence. At all.

For years, I have watched people around me left me to higher rank of the society.
^What?
One of my friends won a scholarship to the US, my sister became one of the most famous young journalists *in the world? (or you can say 'my sister became a famous young journalist) and my parents succeed in their businesses . Each of them, day after day, always stands firmly and fights for their lives, any time they saw an opportunity they run and try to catch it no matter how hard it is and never consider the failure .Any time they are presented an opportunity, they take it by disregarding failure and any difficulties that may come along Live near them, I observer them every day, like an audience watch a big show, just sit and enjoy it . (Please, please check your grammar)

Suddenly I discovered that I have never fought for myself but left thing passed over like a paper boat drifted out to sea. (My god, I have never come across this simile in my life)

I truly regret of what I have done,. I had chosen to walk on an easy and boring road and forget the existence of other ways which were rough but full of glories.

^I think I have an idea of what you are trying to say in this last part. However, I am not entirely sure, because it is quite unclear what you are trying to say?

Thinking of the threaten of the death brought by the sickness, I thought I have no change to correct mistake or fix my life.
^What?

A loud bark of a dog I walked passed pulled me out of my pessimistic thought.
^Did you walk that dog before, or did you walk past it?

I recognized I was still standing there, in my hometown, still breathing, I still lived (unfortunately, my head still ached). Even if I died that early morning, I would not let it a bad morning.

^But you would be dead. You can not do anything about it.

I started running slowly and caught the mixture of smell of steam in the fog and wild flowers' perfume in my nose.
^You are smelling a mixture of scents. You did not catch 'a mixture of smell of steam..'

Sometime later, I saw some neighbors jogging and I said "hello" to all of them. I ran a little faster, I and felt the cold wind touch my skin softly.

^If you are running, I do not quite think that the wind would touch your skin softly. Definitely not softly.

I hardly ever get up early to do exercise but that morning I really enjoyed running around my little home town. Quite tired of runninghaving run a long way, I walkedgently to home. I said to myself:" I've to live, even a single little hope, I'll try it".

That morning I went to the doctor. He said I was shocked by the sudden change in temperature, not a brain illness.
^I think he was shocked at first. What is with the brain illness comment?

My happiness was undescribable.
^Poor spelling.

I lived again and still had a change to full fill my missing.
^again? What was missing?

I thought God was playing with me, he placed me in a smooth road with no hardness then he made me recognize my mistake and gave me a change to fix it. " I will not waste it"-I said to myself.

^There are grammatical errors. Also, what on earth are you trying to say. I do not get the metaphor at all.

Look, this essay needs work. Definitely. What is the significant experience?
You never quite talk about it. I still do not know what it is.
Is it when you walked around town, heard the dog bark, started running, or when you found out that your temperature rose?
You do not talk about it in detail, and do not assess that experience's impact on you and your personality and how it has changed you since then.

Bad essay.