Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]


^I do not see why it may be hard to believe.
When you said that you saw 'everything about the essay in a negative light' after feeling 'discouraged', I was talking about how you felt discouraged and it's subsequent result on you. Yes, you came up with a new essay and absorbed all the criticism. I was just saying that if criticism here was discouraging, criticism at Columbia is more likely to be a lot more discouraging. Thought Id just tell you that. People know the academic rigor of Columbia, but I think most people underestimate it as well. However, I am not saying that you are one of these, because I am sure that you have done research on the type of life an undergraduate student lives at Columbia University.


^All criticism is just criticism. No matter what. It depends on one's emotional nature to understand the criticism as either discouraging or constructive. When you are using me as an example, you are criticizing my ability to criticize. I can either see it as constructive criticism or discouraging criticism, or even invalid criticism.


^What one regards as encouraging is all of a matter of perception. If you decided to view that as discouraging, then ok, should I apologize? It is constructive actually. Let me just quote what you said.


^It is constructive criticism, because I commented on a point which otherwise, when read, can suggest masturbation. I did not see how this was relevant to your essay. Even though it coud have been an interesting topic to the Admissions Committee, you are discussing a seperate topic in your essay and I assumed that this self-sexual reference was a mistake on your part. I thought that I should phrase my comment, subtly to hint at what the sentence implied, as well as in a joking manner to lighten the atmosphere so that when you read that point, you can go like :'Omg lol I sooooooo didnt meant that. But clearly, you didnt and I understand that humor works differently with different people.


^Well, if you do not want indepth shredding, perhaps you should be more specific in what type of feedback you would like. I think that I tackled some sentences in your essay, which otherwise could have been very misleading about you( particularly when you came off as very pretentious and ignorant in some parts). This was done through in-depth analysis. If however, you would not like this, I will respect that completely. By shredding, I was trying to help you remove all the nitty and gritty parts of the essay, but if it is too discouraging for you or whatever, then I will not.


^Id have to say that a topic rarely sucks. However, the way in which you discuss the topic is something else. If it the same old topic, with the same old message, and same old regular teenager writing style, then it sucks.

I do not know about the past, but I can see that some of the newer forum members actually enjoy the feedback that people on this site give. I doubt there is a case of any thing that 'misrepresents how helpful this place is'.

When is your next essay getting posted. Is it the first one revised?

*Edit: What a long thread.

Graduate / Essay for a MAS in Basel, Switzerland [3]


^Take Simone's point to consideration on the first sentence. What was it in those ten modules that made you decided that this is the course for you. By discussing this, then your application essay will look stronger because it looks as if you are strongly and genuinely interested in the subject and that you want to study it.

The rest of your essay just needs some basic grammar fixing, however just revise the content for now so that your essay can come off as stronger, therefore strengthening your application.

Undergraduate / An Undergraduate UF Essay (influance from my brother). Criticism and opinions. [4]

The prompt:

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

The essay:

When growing up in life, the actions of those around you can greatly influence the path you take. During my life I have had such an influence from someone close to me - my brother.

^Not needed. Admissions Commitee are fairly aware of the first sentence. If you remove the first sentence, the second sentence does not make sense. Therefore, I removed everything so that you can directly focus on addressing the issue at hand, which you do in the first sentence of your next paragraph.

Throughout my life I have witnessed my brother continuously take the wrong path down life. His life has been consumed by drugs, lying, cheating, and stealing, with.his school and academics at the very bottom of his listSchool and academics were at the very bottom of his priority list. I have personallywitnessedseen him steal from myour parents as well as take advantage of my parentsthem.and the unconditional love my mom has for him, and evenhas even seen him overdosed in the hospital. These are things you may see on television and think of it as pretty breath taking, but I have lived through it .

^Readers understand that this is a difficult situation and a reminder is not necessary.

Living with such a careless, ignorant person that
who constantly lies and steals from friends and family has made me want to never be like that.
^Overhere, you should say why you never want to be like this..

Drugs are another thing that has completely taken over his life. Cocaine, xanex, oxycotton; you name it and he has done it., all types, such as cocaine, xanex, oxycotten etc, have completely taken over his life.

Seeing him with bloodshot eyes and a tube down his throat in a hospital bed is something that oneI couldcannot fathom andnor understand the impact it has on ahad on my family without actually seeing it with their own eyes.

^Hmm I was not too sure what you meant in the last part. I am sure that the doctors could look at your brother with bloodshot eyes and a tube down his throat. So, 'one' is a bit of a general term and does not apply to everyone.

Needless to say, growing up with a person such as my brother has been a mind boggling experience. Anything that one could ever think of doing, he has done, and has kept my mind on school and academics and concentrated on my goals.

^What are you trying to say here? You talk about him, then talk about yourself. The transition is not smooth and perhaps, you should use a full stop? I do not know what you are trying to say so I can not comment.

Knowing whathow ignoring school and taking the wrong path can do has kept me extremely concentrated on my academics which can be portrayed with myis evident from my constant straight A's all through high school. I have dedicated countless hours to my school and stayed away from the drugs, stealing, and lying that has tarnished my brothers life. Living a life such as his has pushed his friends away and family away even further. He can't be trusted as far as he can be thrown and I never want that to be said of me. Trust is one aspect that once it's lost, it is not very likely to be gained again.

^In the last sentence, replace the comma with a full stop.

The experience of having someone close to me like my brother has made me realize what will happen to my life if I don't stay on the right path.

6
^Youve already said that, and pretty much go on to say it again in the next paragraph.

Having seen what not to do in life has kept my will strong and my determination even stronger. This point of view will undoubtedly carry onto college and help keep my eyes on the prize.

^What prize?

Having been through such a long experience has left a permanent mark on my lif e. My college experience will be similar to my high school experience in terms of grades and how I carry myself. College will be a chance for me to go farther than anyone in my family has and push myself farther away from going down the wrong path. I plan to keep my grades as high as possible and enjoy the better aspects of life. Having gone through such an experience will make me live my college experience to the fullest and keep my mind on my goals. I hope to let him know what kind of impact he has had on my life, regardless of how inadvertently he has done it. Maybe when he finally gets out of prison.

^Perhaps, you can remove the last two lines. They are useful ones, however I do not think they should be your closing lines.
Overall, your essay is quite powerful, personal and genuine. Your UF essay is one of the better ones I have seen on this site because you understand and discuss what you have learnt from this experience. If you could add a line on how it has influenced you, and how you plan on using this influenced personality of yours at college, your essay could come off as really strong. For now, you talk about how the experience has taught you something. However, the essay question does ask how this experience will contribute to the UF Campus. So just address that part of the question in your answer. Post a revision soon.

Essays / common app short (activities) essay: strict word limit?? [10]

The Universities will see how you are ignoring the request at hand, and how you decided to be flexible enough with your essay and bend the rules. Universities may not look at this favorably, as you seemingly do not follow the laid out rules.

My advice: Stay within the word limit. It is the safer thing to do.

Undergraduate / "A likable person" - Boston University Supplement Essay [11]

If you know that the level of writing is poor etc, wouldnt it have been better to have tried to improve it first, and then get feedback on a much stronger version that what you admit, is a weak version?

Taking this into mind, I skim read your essay. You seem to just go on and on.
I suggest removing parts that neither do that much good to your essay, but removing these parts will not do any bad to your essay either.

I also believe that the introductory paragraph in it's entirety can go. It is not uniquely written, cliched and quite frankly, lame. You make it sound as if it is a general and widely held belief, when it is in fact, your belief. (I am not saying your belief is wrong, but there is no point taking up so much word space and preaching about something that is neither interesting nor useful)

Revise your essay. Post a stronger version. What is the point in giving detailed feedback on an essay that you yourself feel that could be better.

Undergraduate / Lesson learned from my ankle injury - 'nothing was missing from my experience' [8]

Alright, there are some points here and there to be fixed, but most importantly, I need to tell you this.

The essay question is:

'A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.'

^You do not answer this question at all. I want you, to look at your essay, and tell me where, do you say that you have discussed either 'what you would bring to the diversity in a college community' or even 'an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you'

You may have a fine list of extra cirriculars. However, failing to answer the question means a lot more to the Admissions Commitee.

Undergraduate / Paging Simone! What do addmission panels look for in essays? [7]


^That is the hardest part.


*Gasps. WEEDING?

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]


XD
She still has not commented, but I am interested in reading what she has to say whenever she decides to post. This is the second time she has jumped ship, with the first time being when I merely said 'hmmm' (I think that little incident will bring up memories)


Tell me about it. I think they should be informed of this whenever they sign up.


Now I have added to it :)

See how I have?

Undergraduate / Essay for U-Chicago - it's a little childish.. [32]


^Genuine UChicago applicant. You should find a sophisticated way of saying this, minus the reference to the Ivy Leagues, in your UChicago essay.

Undergraduate / [commentary on your academic goals] Transfer Admission Essay [26]

Besides the fact that your introduction has loads of obvious grammar essays, it also serves no purpose because it has absolutely no relevance to answering the prompt. Unless, you are leaving your current University, because you are so fascinated by the idea that UConn's campus has ice cream and other foods. If this is the case, make it more obvious. (If this is the case, talk about how you wish your Uni also had so much food on campus and perhaps, how you love to eat?)


^Hmm. Well, remove the first sentence for starters, because it is not necessary at all. You present yourself as a sportsman, but in your earlier paragraph, you talk about how you were fascinated by foods that are otherwise, quite dense in calories and do not necessarily have the best macronutrient ratios. This has at least led me to question, how serious of an athlete are you? If not a serious one, then why try to pretend you are. If you are, then I am sure that you are familiar with the importance of diet. Looking at this paragraph, which has potential to be quite meaningful, completely remove the first paragraph.

This second paragraph also has grammar essays. Furthermore, you should talk about how playing basketball at UConn is something you really want to do and you would like to do it more at UConn than at your current University. You should also explain the reasons in that case.


Ok, this is your strongest paragraph yet. Go into more detail on your academic goals and how your academic goals can be reached at UConn and why you want them to be reached at UConn. However, some sentences are phrased quite poorly.

Youve got an interesting conclusion there. You need to work on your essay big time if you want to strengthen your chances of admission.

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]


^ One of the best posts I have ever read on this site. Definitely the best post I have read this August :)


^That is the hard part. Tightening this analogy alone will probably be a lot more work than coming up with a new one, because comparing research and punching in numbers, is pretty much incomparable to ballet. I had explained why earlier.

Also, the writer's style does not make the analogy obvious enough. In my case, as a reader, I was left confused. I thought, what is with 'punching in numbers', is Miss Judy a Math teacher or did ballet have to be mathematically precise? I had to read the essay again to make the connection.( The Admissions Committee will not have time for this.)

**Then again, whilst I made the connection, it didnt quite click. I had to ask for an explanation of the analogy, to which still no one has given a confident explanation..

I am not saying that an analogy should not be included. I do believe that an ineffective analogy, as the one that was used earlier in the essay, should be removed so as to avoid confusion.

Undergraduate / The year 2050, movie of your life - NYU Personal Statement [7]

Well, what do autobiographical movies tend to focus on?
It could start off with the person's life during the toddler years and perhaps signs of an interest in the career that was pursued , but would focus mainly on the breakthroughs that person has faced in his/her life. Some depth may be covered on how that person got into that career and how that person came to the life defining moments that catapulted them into stardom and/or fame.

It will probably end with what that person's life is like up till the point he film is being made.

**Think of those American Idol clips when a person gets eliminated. Go along those lines.

Undergraduate / How you gained respect for social differences (University of Michigan) [15]


^Scott surprisingly announced that we were to make a chicken casserole, baked beans and steam broccoli.
I could not make a connection between this assortment of foods and the homeless people.

*Your third sentence is quite controversial. If you had this idea, that they are hopeless, why did you want to do volunteer work to help them in the first place?

Your planning seems a bit unclear..


^The homeless do not have money to buy. They are not customers. Also, as this is volunteer work for the homeless, the word 'customers' is wrong.


Asking for different serving sizes is ordinary I guess. But is it 'sociable'?
Also, you instantly respected the homeless, just because one man liked Star Trek just as you did? That is interesting. Because one man had a mutual interest, you decided to respect his entire socioeconomic class. That is interesting.


^Your ending is quite ineffective. What is the homeless perspective? What differences are we talking here? I am led to believe that you are, seeing as how you mentioned 'homeless', your socioeconomic class? You then go on to talk about your abilities, which is quite irrelevant to the prompt.

Undergraduate / Describe a setback. How you resolved it. How it effected you. [11]


^I have made it to the top of a mountain actually. Given my experience, I did not understand the echo simile.
I also do not get how hunger 'lingers'.
Why is the man's hand curved around a thin dark pen? Is he showing off how flexible his wrist is?
Your writing style is quite good actually. You have made some grammar mistakes here and there, but overall, your introduction is quite good.

Your second paragraph is also well written. This paragraph also has some grammar essays. With the ending however, I kind of understood how that one screwed up note was impactful. I did not need another two consecutive

reminders, adding to something I already understood.


^You had just mentioned nine years in your earlier paragraph. Then you suddenly say 'I sat' etc. When did this happen? When during those nine years did this moment take place?

There should be a comma after butchered.
How can you see a musical note by the way? I am sure that they are HEARD.


^Yea, this needs to be reworded. You are saying that piano was your hobby, but you never practiced playing it because you wanted to satisfy yourself. I am led to believe, that you did not play piano even though it was your hobby, because you were too busy masturbating.

*This is the second essay Ive read where a reference to masturbation can be interpreted.


^Well, if this is continuing on from the previous point, two words.
O dear.

I was prepared, for conquering this note was no longer my goal, neither was satisfying my piano instructor nor my judge. The goal was so unimaginably simplistic. I had nine years of piano experience, and now I was going to let it go to waste for one note? I eyed the man with the clipboard and pen. The frost had retreated from my fingers. They sprang into a lively movement. One of Chopin's most treasured pieces emerged from the keyboard. I became more confident with each note, right or wrong. I came to enjoy the music I had been producing for half my life. This confidence and pleasure would stay with me in my future activities as would my desire to fulfill others expectations be purged. (Reword)

^What is your goal that you ramble on about for two sentences?
Frost between your fingers? Was the air conditioning really powerful? Also, how does frost retreat, and spring into a lively movement?

Your essay is generally good but seeing as how you are a good writer, then this needs to be tweaked quite a lot. A lot.

Undergraduate / Paging Simone! What do addmission panels look for in essays? [7]


^Great to know that I can make you laugh Simone. People have suggested I do stand up.


^Yea, I hope I end up doing a good job on this. I really do :)

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]

When I was younger, about eight, I had a closed mind. I thought all lighter skinned people were white, and all darker skinned people were black.

^I guess this is a closed mind. All Asians, from Indians to Chinese, are black.

This "theory" of mine is why I thought my parents were exactly the same. I thought they were both only black (African-American); they had the same dark skin. Later however, my older sister made me see differently.

We were in a supermarket when she told me my dad was Hispanic. I told her "No he's not. He's black, he has dark skin." She laughed and told me that just because he looked a little different didn't mean she was wrong.

^But that does not mean she is right either. Rephrase it. My suggestion is
She laughed at my narrow minded view.
^That also ties in with your next sentence.

She explained to me thathis parents were Cuban immigrants and had Cuban ancestry [s my father is Cuban,which in return makes me half Cuban, half black. which therefore makes me half Cuban, half black

After my sister opened my mindhad introduced me to this idea of ethnicitiesthat ethnicity exists , I went to school and understood my friends a little bit more. I saw them differently, now knowing they came from diverse backgroundsand different countries and could not just be categorized as either black or white.

*Diverse is just such a broad word.

Now open minded, I asked questions about my friends' cultures; they were my teachers. Finally, I saw past just black and white.

I no longer have that childish view in which people can be categorized into two colors. Instead, I enjoy, and want to learn, more about my friend's cultures so that 'insert something meaninful here'

I hope you like my revisions.

Undergraduate / Miss Judy Common App [21]


Well I was only born in 1991, so I doubt I am that old. Wiser, I may agree.


^Heres a saying for you, not word for word but at least how I remember it

'If you truly love something, set it free. If it loves you, it will return. If it does not, it never did'.

XD

Yea, I know what you mean actually. Sometimes, I am led to believe that something is just so perfect. Then, I learn that somebody else does not like it????!?!

WHAT?!?! ITS AMAZING!AHHH IM NOT REMOVING THIS! lol
But then again, what one may find appealing is based on that person's mindset. Something is truly appealing, if it appeals to more than just the creator.

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]

A born and bred New Yorker I have been exposed to great schools, people of all nationalities, and gradually safer streets. With such advantages, I thought I would not want to travel out of state for college since everything has already "came to me." My mind was changed when I discovered the University of Chicago.

^Hmmm, the born and bred New Yorker is good, but everything that follows is just so...ineffective.


^The link between great research programs and being a plastic surgeon is not quite strong to be honest.
the second sentence, remove it.
how is attending talent shows a sign of cultural diversity?
Hmm, your last line is kind of strange. Overall, this paragraph is in need of some grammar tuning and some sentences and points need to be removed.


^'like anyone else'? That needs to go. Or at least rephrased.


^UChicago is next to Hyde Park. Hyde Park has a reputation for being a hub of crime. So it does require a lot of police attention, however that does not necessarily imply it is safe.

late night escort service?? ;)
How is UChicago the total package? You have not given this impression at all throughout your essay, yet this is your concluding line?

This essay, needs revision talia. Sorry, but it really does.

Undergraduate / "A likable person" - Boston University Supplement Essay [11]


Ya I know what you mean. However, the poster already admits that this is a terrible essay. What I meant is that, more appropriate feedback can be given on a piece that the writer has made an effort to improve, rather than one which does not feature a decent amount of effort.

We may just be commenting on parts that the writer already knows is useless or ineffective, which is quite a waste of time for both the writer and us. Well, me at least.

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]


^Ahh right, I thought that you considered Chinese black. Your means of categorizations were quite vague in the opening paragraph, so I did not know what to assume. You give off the impression that you only identified whites and blacks. I did not know how you would classify all the colors that are in between black and white, for example, Indians and Chinese. I thought since these races do not tend to be white as such, you would have thought they were black?

In regards to teaching you, it is no problem my young padawan. Thou arest learning the ways.


Ya, I probably did in your UChicago essay.

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]

lol


^UChicago does ask some of the hardest essay questions, and expect some of the best essay answers in return. Even though this is the standard 'Why us' essay prompt, UChicago will expect to read valid reasons as to why you would want to study at such an academically intensive University in a city in which the cold weather tends to restrict all outdoor activities, therefore encouraging more of it's students to just stay in their dorms and study.

UChicago is not meant for everyone to be honest. If you still are really intent on possibly studying there, well then, try and make it show in your essay. Whilst that is hard to do, just keep that in mind ;)

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]


Well thats the hard part Talia. You decided to go for a topic that if misunderstood, can be very controversial and work against your favor.


^I guess.

Undergraduate / "A likable person" - Boston University Supplement Essay [11]

The author does not need to articulate why certain sections are ineffective. If the author can sense which parts are ineffective, these parts should be removed period. That is fixing it.

Undergraduate / Lesson learned from my ankle injury - 'nothing was missing from my experience' [8]

Well, I understand that breaking your ankle is a significant experience. But, what has it's impact been on you? From what I can see, your list of activities has gone down but now you are taking part in activities that you like. Perhaps, this has been impactful . You should be more clear in saying how this has impacted you in that case.

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]

^Hey Simone. When I said that, I was not making a statement based on my own opinion. I was making a statement, based on what I understood was tal105's point of view as a child. I am farely aware that the word 'black' is reserved for people of African descent. Tal105 earlier in her essay had said that when she was a child,she only saw people who were white or black. So in turn, I was commenting that this view really is a closed mind if she even saw Indians (as in from the subcontinent) and Chinese as black people. Although it may not look like it, lol, I was actually questioning this view.


^Would that not be more due to ethnicity rather than skin color?


^Well, the skin colors of 'brown' and 'yellow' are also used to describe people. I think this is more of a colloquial reference however. The point is, that people nowadays are not just 'black' or 'white', and I doubt that there ever was a time when people where categorized into only two skin colors. People can even be 'brown' or 'yellow', both of which are different colors with a different set of histories. The history of these ethnic groups is also partly responsible for the color of their respective pigmentation.

Undergraduate / [commentary on your academic goals] Transfer Admission Essay [26]


^You should also develop your response so that it ties in with the essay question. You have been asked for your reasons as to why you want to leave your current college, as well as state what your academic goals are. You should take Sean's advice, and also discuss why you think that UConn is a better place for you to study at UConn rather than where you currently are, and possibly link this with your academic goals. Just saying 'pursuing a higher education' is not really saying much. You lack depth. Go deep.

Undergraduate / 'idea of learning / isles of Trinidad and Tobago' - UCF Personal Statements [12]

I had made some points earlier, but I see that you failed to implement them. I am not saying you have to, but you did not even give a reason as to why you seemingly ignored my advice. (This is regards to your second post)

*I do not see why you posted two different essays, that aim to respond to one question.


^If youve already submitted your essays, what is the point of getting feedback on it now?

Undergraduate / I feel like an idiot writing this - Fashion Institue Essay [9]

Carter, I do not know if you are in the process of writing a new essay, or revising the one you have currently posted, but

'I believe that if you are so fortunate as to have a passion in your life that consumes you entirely, that's the first thing you think of when waking, the last thing you think of before falling asleep, and has a constant presence as you go about your day, then you should pursue whatever that passion may be at all costs. For me, that passion is photography.'

^Those first few lines can definitely go.

Undergraduate / How you gained respect for social differences (University of Michigan) [15]


People dont sport cigarettes


^'Was'? Quite frankly, this seems more like your definition of the word, which is quite unecessary. People understand what the word 'homeless' means and what it is synonymous with.


Your grammar here is not the only strange part in this sentence. Since when has chicken casserole, baked beans and broccoli been considered exotic enough to even be served to the homeless?


^I am sorry, but I am not wearing a suit right now. Does that mean I will not seem normal to you?


^Read that again and spot the error.


^I understand the importance of food for any human in order to survive. But, do you really think that by just giving these people food, you are shaping their dreams and aspirations??


We all know this. But if you realize this and want to do this, what have you done to support this?


^You talk about social differences. Then all of a sudden, you mention 'your differences', which youd like to shine through. What are these 'differences'? Your social difference? The fact that you are more financially stable than a homeless person??

The last part does not tie up with what you have already written.

Undergraduate / 'idea of learning / isles of Trinidad and Tobago' - UCF Personal Statements [12]


^Yes I did, because you were not clear.

There really is not that much of a difference between the two.
The differences I noted was that in one, you make claims about some aspects of your personality even though you have not included anything to prove if you are that type of a person, and in the other essay, you discuss the carnival

Right now, its up to you to decide whichever one you think is stronger. In my opinion, both are equally weak.

Undergraduate / How you gained respect for social differences (University of Michigan) [15]

Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.

^

Its asking you to talk about an experience. You talk about how you gained respect for social differences. Perhaps you can say that you no longer judge people by which social bracket they belong to.

I do not know, for I am not you

Undergraduate / The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever [31]

Tikhai, sounds like a smart plan :)
x

Undergraduate / [commentary on your academic goals] Transfer Admission Essay [26]

True. I only did that because I was lazy to spell out the whole Uni name.

Undergraduate / "From China to America" - UCF admission essay [11]

Yes. From there, you can make it clear that you are new to America.


^Interested in you*
Actually, this whole sentence needs rewording.

After my first school of year ended, I realized I was like a new born baby, coming to ain a brand new world and knowing nothing about it .

All of a sudden, an idea jumped out of my mind: to get a better understanding of English.
^Suddenly just like that eh? I am sure it occured to you sometime during your first year of high school.

I knew diligence is necessarily inevitable; On top of that, I needed to procure other qualities to get used to the life and make more confident to talk to others.

My father works in UCF, and he recommends me to go to Center for Multilingual Multicultural Studies (CMMS), which is a part of UCF, but it is for the people who do not know English well, to improve my English and to make more friends.

^I think UCF knows it's own centers.

The first week of CMMS, I was intimidated to speak out, but soon I found those in here were just like me, they did not know English a lot and not good at speaking, either.

^Well, i thought your father recommends it. From this sentence, it seems he 'recommended' it?

They are trying as well why can not I? I asked myself. Then I started to communicate with others and tried to make more friends. Day by day, my English had a big improve and I obtained the qualities that I wanted, that are the confidence and how Americans live. With confidence, I can do everything seems impossible. In my second High School year, I did not freak out to talk to people, and I had a happy junior year.

^K, this needs some revision. Quite a lot for it to be an effective essay.
Also, the last part is not necessary. The essay prompt is not expecting a happy answer. It just wants to know about an obstacle that you have faced, which in your case has been in your academic and social life, and wants to know more about it and perhaps how you dealt with it.

Undergraduate / "how the brain and mind function" - Evaluate a significant experience, & impact. [8]

Its a great story.


^Perhaps, you can describe this moment since it is obviously one of your most meaningful ones.
Also, from here, it led me to ask, what is the significant experience?

Is it that moment, or having dealt with your mother's situation, or was it the:


Also, I do not quite see an evaluation as to how you have been impacted as such. I understand that these experiences have motivated you to wanting to study psychology, but I, even though I may be wrong, do not consider this impactful as much as I consider it motivational.

Undergraduate / Charity bike ride - A setback I have faced [9]


^Well, I am in the second line of your introductory paragraph. Does the hardest challenge refer to your best friend's death, or the charity bike ride. I guess this can prompt interest, however it's lack of clarity does not necessarily mean it will work favorably. After having read your essay, I understood that it is your best friend's death. Make this clear.


^In my opinion, it is a perfectly fine introduction and did not need to be questioned like that. You get straight to the point, rather than bore us with a description of yourself that prepares us in advance to realize that this is going to be a 'look at me before, look how I have changed' type of essay which tends to be quite lame. This is your introduction here. By immediately presenting your readers with something as shocking as death, you can cling your reader's and therefore the Admissions Committee's interest. If you could actually revise your opening sentences to make them even more powerful, you should be able to engage your reader's interest much more effectively! Its fine as it is, but theres no reason to seek continual improvement if there is the opportunity to do so :)

Also
Simone pretty much expressed why this is a good way to start your essay.

In reference to somebody else's opinion on the introduction.


It is not dull at all because the writer here immediately goes straight to the point. Quite frankly, she is cutting out all of the unnnecessary stuff that most people would have done with this type of essay, which also includes describing a 'significant scene about Rachel'. Why on earth, would the writer want to do that in the opening paragraph. That pretty much sets up the readers to have the 'O dear, its going to be one of those I miss my friend so much and its going to teach me something' type of essays.

From what I can see, both of the comments are directed at going with a common type of approach. I commend Sarah for not having done this, because it makes this essay more original. Also, the introduction is perfectly f


^Actually she should. Since when did people have to be given a reason to care that someone who was close to someone has died. From the introduction alone, readers can easily empathize Sarah's situation. Just remember, when the Admissions Commitee are reading these essays, they are not looking to find faults and everything. They are looking to be impressed, to be captivated etc. (Naturally, obvious errors and unclarity will fail to do these things)

That being said, the Admissions Commitee are not robots. They too have emotions and have levels of sensitivity. When they read this essay, they will not think 'There is no reason to care. Therefore, we shall not care.'

I think that Sarah has started this essay very well. She gets straight to the point, so readers know what she is going to write about. They know from the start that this is going to be a sensitive and personal essay. All of this is done, by mentioning that this essay is about a friend's death in the opening lines.


^I fail to see how it is an empty statement at all. Sarah has said that she will never meet a person like Rachel again. That is deeply personal, and perhaps Sarah thinks that this is the case. Since when has one person been identical to another? So, 'maybe you will' is quite invalid here.

Sarah dear, I do suggest that you revise your essay in terms of grammar. It seems to be a fine essay in my opinion. Is there a word limit? Also, what is the essay question?

Fix the essay, and post a revised version here. Hopefully members of this site can work to making it stronger. However, we do need to see if the essay question and if you can tell us the word limit, we can see which parts can be omitted, what can be added etc.

x

Undergraduate / Stanford "Intellectually engaging idea" Essay [6]


^It is not really an intellectually engaging idea. This is a thought.

Writing Feedback / Personal Essay - Travels; I have inherited my mother's wanderlust [4]

I love experiencing the magic and draw of various cultures, each with their own flavor and distinctions which seizes my inner soul and settles my heart.

^Cultures is plural.

I feel at home when I travel. Lucky for me, I was born into a military family; travel was mandatory.
Children of the military personnel endure unique challenges, and I am lucky enough to be one of them. It creates wisdom beyond the year, a knowing person inside. Traveling from place to place, meeting my dad at fascinating Naval ports throughout the world only to wave goodbye to him as he sailed away on his Navy carrier.

^This last sentence here needs to be revised. It should all be the in the past tense. Your use of present tense, makes readers expect something a bit more towards the end but this expectation is abruptly halted by the full stop?

This nomadic life has been both the best and worst experience of my life. Never staying in one place long enough, making friends became an art to be masteredmaster , as they would soon only be memories pasted into a photo album.each of them would eventually only become a memory pasted into a photo album

Living overseas, I was able to absorb the varieda variation of cultures - not just taste them .
*Since when has culture only been restricted to eating food?

By the age of twelve, I could hail a cab in London, catch a train in any country, order a meal in any language, and navigate any city/town due to my military upbringing and the real-life education it has afforded me.

^Can you order a meal in Malyalam or Suomi? That is impressive.

I can be summed up by Henry David Thoreau's famous quote- "I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.."

What others only observe in movies and books are realities and memories for me.
^Ive seen the movie Kite Runnier. It has a very disturbing rape scene, and so does the novel. I hope that this is not a reality or a memory for you.

From Italy to India and all those in between, each culture has brought adeveloped annew understanding and awareness of both the differences and similarities of eachvarious societies.

^Its a shame you say from Italy to India, seeing as how both countries begin with 'I'.

While I have experienced so many countries with diverse cultures in the world, I feel that I am not done yet.
Even though I have visited many different countries, each of which have different cultures, I still feel that I have more to see and learn.

Entering A&M, I look forward to new explorations and discoveries.
^Make a reference that these will be cultural.

I want to immerse myself into the University "sucking out all the marrow" it has to offer - from student organizations, intramural sports, time honored traditions, and the best quality of education available; I want to show my love for this diverse and varied world with the students and professors on campus.

^You dont really link any of this with the bulk of your essay, which is experiencing myriad cultures.

Undergraduate / 'blind to many of the things' - someone who has made an impact on my life [18]

*I can see people commented on your intro. Well
you quote your father with an exclamation mark, but then say that he 'uttered'.
The time it took as I watched my dad disappear into the closet to get the belt felt like the longest thing I had ever waited on in my entire life.

^It makes it sound as if this happened only one time, when in fact, your describing a 'ritual'.


^Well this is disputable. I think the purpose of the essay is to tell readers about an influential person, in which the reader can understand how the writer responds and understands an influence. So, to focus on 'YOU', in my opinion, is not completely necessary as long as the readers can understand how the writer gets influenced and the writer's perception of what influence is.

The writer hasnt fallen for any trick in my opinion. I have understood that the writer has come to appreciate his father's sense of judgement and how teh father conducts himself. The writer does say how he has been influenced in his last parts of his essay.


^This is true. The father did shape his life. Hence the reason, that the father has made an impact on his life, which therefore directly addresses the essay prompt.

I did not quite see it as unrelenting, seeing as how the writer has already admitted that he only gets beaten because he himself knows he did something wrong. If one acknowledges fault, then is it wrong to punish? Also, I think this lashing can be appealing to Admissions because it is quite unusal for an applicant to be so openly honest in an essay. I doubt that the Admissions Commitee will think 'Lashing? This boy got lashed? I dont like this essay'.


The writer does not give any background, so we as readers are left to assume.
I assume that this writer, did something dreadful to the point that even the writer knew he has wronged. (He admits that this only happens when he does something wrong.) The writer gives the impression that this happened on a basis, therefore giving off the impression that he has been a mischevious kid and that this he was in requirement of some discipline. I dont see how knocking some sense into this type of a kid is abuse. I think this is a fine topic to elaborate on, however I just dont think the writer gives enough to tell us how he has been influenced by his father.


^True. The context here is quite important. We are all assuming things here. What exactly is a 'wrong action'?


^Soz Simone, I said that you made an insensitive comment earlier. I cant find it in my post therefore cant delete it.

*I think your essay is fine however you dont give enough context, which leads to readers making assumptions. Readers can be led to believe that your father is some sadist, or that he is in fact hitting you for your own good. You need to clarify what your 'wrong actions' are so that we can understand your father's motives for hitting you. This is a controversial topic, however this may be controversy that catches the interest of the Admissions Committe I guess.

You talk about how your father has impacted your life, even though not that great in detail, but you dont really develop on why he is important to you. You should consider a stronger conclusion.

Alternatively, you can just post a new essay, because with a topic like lashing, reader's empathy, sensitivity, emotions, and subjective beliefs on lashing, will all influence their understanding of the essay and therefore may not work in your favor.

I think that even I may have strayed off a bit here lol.

Undergraduate / Charity bike ride - A setback I have faced [9]


I never said that you made a mistake. We members on this site dont give corrections, we give suggestions. In this case, I just rebuked your suggestions


^Thats fine. However if the general concept bores you, it is pretty much a given that your lack of interest in this subject will affect the quality of your suggestion.

*Joke: You could mention how you are 'a rock' in your admission essay. It provides a sense of character.