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Posts by autumn_waltz
Name: Svetlana Nesterova
Joined: Feb 26, 2015
Last Post: Apr 8, 2015
Threads: 8
Posts: 14  
Likes: 2
From: Russian Federation

Displayed posts: 22
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autumn_waltz   
Apr 8, 2015
Writing Feedback / Should children be educated during their free time? [2]

IELTS W2

Some people think the children's free time must include educational activities otherwise they will waste their time.
What is your opinion?


Some members of the community argue that children should be educated even in their free time. I tend to agree with this point of view. In my opinion, childhood is the most important stage of human development, during which the child learns virtually from everything - be it text books or games.

According to scientists, children have to be taught almost all the time, because the childhood is the time when the most significant processes in their lives occur.

...
autumn_waltz   
Mar 31, 2015
Writing Feedback / Once people experience puberty they are potentially be able to produce children. [2]

Once people experience puberty they are potentially be able to produce children

However, the body condition that allows us to have a baby is not the only factor which leads people consider when they decide to marry and finally have kids. A brief look at the history shows us that individuals decide ontomarryingmarry when they could afford the living costs. Because today we live in a luxuriousfinancially demanding world,and it is obvious that the marriage age has risen to over 30, and a s a consequence, people mostly have children in their 30s

Having children after 30 wouldis going to contribute to a big age gap between parents and children.

... like having an upgraded computer or a smart phone, because such issues were not existeddid not exist at his time.

On the other hand, older parents would beare more mature and able to handle their children's difficulties more wisely.

She probably pays too much attention to kids' looks, whereas,(don't need a comma here) the older mother sees beyond the image of her child.

My textbook suggests that in an IELTS essay, the word "kids" better be replaced with "children". I also use use the word "offsprings" to avoid repeating "children".

SheThe older motherwouldis likely to have an overlook at 18 years later when her kid/child is going to entre towill have entered a college.

In conclusion, although having children after 30 intensifies the negative effects of the age gap between parents and youngsters, it would havehas its own advantages.

I think that for better parenting, people need to be mature enough and financially independent .
Your initial wording was grammatically correct, but the sentence flows more smoothly in this version.

Good luck!
autumn_waltz   
Mar 27, 2015
Writing Feedback / To look after the elderly - responsibility of families or the government? [3]

IELTS WRITING 2:

People are now living longer than ever before and many old people are unable to look after themselves. Some people believe that it is responsibility of families to look after the elderly, while others say governments should provide retirement homes for them where they can be looked after properly. DISCUSS.

There are a lot of discussion on how to keep elderly people under supervision. While some people suggest that the government is responsible for keeping an eye on them, others argue these are their families that should support old people.

In many countries, it is believed that the families of the elderly are morally obliged to look after old people if they could financially afford it. For example, in Russia, if people who live above subsistence level accommodate their parents in retirement homes, they are considered to show disrespect for their progenitors.
autumn_waltz   
Mar 27, 2015
Writing Feedback / 'the history, tradition and way of life will vanish as well' - An essay on language extinction [2]

Hi!
Here are some edits:

It is predicted that, by the end of the 21st century, more than half of those will vanish.

This can be attributed to the natural process of globalisation, some people believe that everyone can benefit from the extinction of minority languages.
Here you have to independent sentences that should be combined by a conjunction. Otherwise, you should divide them by a period or a semicolon, like that:

This can be attributed to the natural process of globalisation; some people believe that everyone can benefit from the extinction of minority languages.

In my opinion, languages should be protected and preserved.

Admittedly, the dominance of some international languages such as English has made the communication in many fields more efficient.

Technology and international business require instant and precise delivery, and the emergence of English eliminated the time waste and confusion occurred during translation.
Again, you need a conjunction here, because you cannot combine two independent clauses using a single comma. Also, eliminated the time waste and confusion occurred doesn't sound well, so you'd better reword it :)

For example, a Chinese export company manager who areis proficient at English can negotiate directly with foreign companies

However, language is not merely a communication tool, but it has a close connection with the culture identity of the speaker.
Again - conjunction! :)

For instance, In the 15th century in North America, each Indian tribe used to have (different) its own unique language and culture.

In conclusion, although the global language provides numerous benefits to the development of many areas, the disappearance of less common languages has extremely negative influence on our cultural heritage.

Hope this helps! Good luck!
autumn_waltz   
Mar 26, 2015
Student Talk / How to improve English writing? Learning through reading. [130]

As for improving your vocab in your writing - it can also be helpful to use thesaurus while you write an essay. Whatever you write, make it your mission to repeat as few words as possible! For example, if you would use the word "difficult" three times, go back and replace two of them with "demanding" and "laborious"

However, bear in mind that not every word a thesaurus will provide is exactly interchangeable in every scenario; you'll need to make sure the word you're trying to use actually fits.

Use the thesaurus for word ideas, and the dictionary to confirm that your choice actually works in context.

Resource: "grow your vocabulary and become a better writer at the same time" by Mike MacClenathan
autumn_waltz   
Mar 20, 2015
Writing Feedback / More parents start concerning about the possible negative effects of the computers on their children [3]

Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on your children.
Do you agree or disagree?


A computer has recently become an indispensable part of modern people's lives. As it more encroaches on our children's time, more parents start concerning about the possible negative effects of the device. I agree with those who argue that a computer has a number of negative impacts on our offsprings; however, I do not think that their number outweighs the number of positive effects.

[...]
autumn_waltz   
Mar 19, 2015
Writing Feedback / Comparison of the changes of three main exports in Southland - IELTS [4]

International tourism and dairy products experience a rise in 2015 compared inwith the 2000 level

By 2000, the amount of international tourism had stood at roughly £8 billion, (while approximately £7 billion were shown by which of dairy products) while dairy products accounted for £7 billion

Furthermore, with a rise of nearly £1 billion, the total index of global tourism increases to about £9 billion...

However, (that) the export value of meat products has decreased from £6 billion to £5.5 billion for 15 years.
autumn_waltz   
Mar 19, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Taxes burden citizens in some countries. [6]

Hi,

ResultA recent study/research shows that in the cosmopolitan cities such as Melbourne and London, the cost of living is extremely expensive

(By doing so), the more the tax they pay, the more the education becomes neglected.
"By doing so" is used incorrectly here. By doing what? - it should be linked with a specific verb in the previous sentence. For example: "Jim tied his shoes. By doing so, he was able to run"

The aforementioned evidence examinesreveals that the tax which citizens have paidpay helps governments to improve welfare state in the country.
autumn_waltz   
Mar 9, 2015
Writing Feedback / //IELTS-1// the table and charts below - destination and employment of UK graduates [4]

The table and charts below provide information about the destinations and employment of UK first degree holders.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The breakdown illustrates the employment rate and the wage range of people after they finished their Bachelor's degrees. The percentage of employed and not employed graduates is reported in the table, while the salaries of those employed are presented in the pie charts.

...




autumn_waltz   
Mar 9, 2015
Writing Feedback / Firstly, when the rain falls, the dam is full for a period of time. How the rainwater is reused. [5]

Hello,

Overall, I agree with the previous commentator. Let me just add a few suggestions for your writing.

While one stage can be recycled, other two stages isare reserved.

The water is produced to be drinking water for household consumption.
As the previous comment show, "produced" is out of place. Instead, you can write purified / processed / refined

Finally, when the rain falls intoon the roof and in water tank, the water is stored in the tank.

In general, I think that you are in the right direction toward organizing your essay well. You divided the process into three clear parts. However, you should work on smooth transitioning. I don't think such transitions as "firstly" and "finally" are appropriate here, because here you describe three alternative processes that are independent from each other.

Good luck!
autumn_waltz   
Mar 4, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Security Cameras and Cellphone Tracking [2]

Hi!

Technological experts have paid morea lot of attention to the development of monitoring tolls such as cameras and cellphone tracking in order to record people activities without realizing it (?) their permission .

Recently, some city councils have installed surveillance in public places, especially in high-crime areas,so as to secureprotect people from criminals

Statistics shows that a growing number of closed-circuit television (CCTV) have been set in New York in order to prevent people who want to do some crimesfrom committing crimes .

In addition, virtually(?) (some ) countries use cellphone tracking to find (provide is better) solid evidence in several criminal cases such as corruptionof bribery .

Indonesian Corruption Watch, for example, has used the technology to detect corrupt and collusive people who are corrupt and collusive

On the other hand, many people complain that technological tools such as cameras and cellphone tracking have limited their freedom to do some personal activities -- this part is awkward.

On the other hand, many people complain that technological tools such as cameras and cellphone tracking interfere with their private lives --- May be better

In Auckland, for example, are many video recorders which have been are still uninstalled due to the reason of human rights --- this is a bit clumsy, too :)

Although this measure possibly will decrease (compromise is better) safety and security,many people becomefind it convenient because they are not kept under surveillance.

...brings advantages such as improvingthe improvement of security and safety,..

Hope this is helpful :)
Good luck!
autumn_waltz   
Mar 3, 2015
Writing Feedback / Car ownership, public transport and environment protection - Ielts2 [2]

Alternative forms of transport should be encouraged and international laws introduced to control car ownership and use.
What are your views?


With the enormous spread of private cars, people find themselves in front of a sensitive problem: should car ownership be restricted? From my perspective, the efforts to control the use of car will face reasonable obstacles; however the control needs to be assumed, at least partly.

Admittedly, it is impossible to completely change people's driving habits. Today, a car is something on which citizens rely heavily. First, it is simply the most comfortable and versatile private vehicle. In contrast with buses and subway trains, which go only to scheduled places and at a scheduled time, a car provides accessibility to a large amount of destinations and opportunity to be independent from the schedule. Furthermore, when it comes to trips between cities, driving private car turns out to be less expensive than using the services of public transportation.

...
autumn_waltz   
Mar 3, 2015
Writing Feedback / Ageing population worldwide in 2000 and predictions for 2050. IELTS-1 [2]

The chart below gives information about the ageing population worldwide in 2000 and makes predictions for 2050
Summaries the information below by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph illustrates figures regarding the change of the percentage of population aged 60 and over between 2000 and 2050.

Overall, the number of elderly people is expected to grow in all parts of the world, with the world total's index rising from 10 per cent to over 20 per cent. It is noticeable that while the pattern is similar in all continents, the degree of change varies.

A closer look at the data reveals that Europe, North America and Oceania contain the biggest percentages of elderly people, with the figures ranging from 20 to 13 per cent respectively. Predictions show that the continents will remain its leading positions in the future: in Europe, North America and Oceania those percentages will climb up to 35%, 27%, and 24% accordingly. In this respect, Latin America, Asia, and Africa have the least proportions of population aged 60 and over. While the percentages of the leading countries are above 10%, Asia, Africa, and Latin America have not exceeded this mark.

However, those three parts of the world are expected to present the most dramatic changes in the figures. It is predicted that by 2050, the figures will increase almost threehold in Asia and Latin America; in Africa, they will more than double.

Although there is a clear upward trend in this age group all around the world, ageing citizens are expected to make up less than half of the population in the next 50 years.




autumn_waltz   
Mar 3, 2015
Writing Feedback / Electricity transfers from high voltage cables into transformer station - one of several stages [2]

Hi!
This diagram illustrates the process of water-produced for electricitygenerating electricity using moving water (I'm afraid you can't say "water-produced". After the words "the process of" you need a noun or a gerund. ) Overall, there are three main steps ofin hydro-electric power generation: water-collectedintoin reservoir, water-rotated in the turbine, and electricity-transferred through transformer station. (Again, this needs rewording. You may list nouns:the collection of water..., the rotation of it in the turbine..., and the transfer of electricity... . Alternatively, you may break the sentence into two sentences:Overall, there are three main steps of hydro-electric power generation. First, water is collected...; then it is rotated...; after that, electricity is transferred...

To begin with, the heat of sun energy evaporates water infrom the sea.

The water goes down by opening valve and it rotates into (in) the turbine to generate the electricity.

What stands out from the graph is the electricity which transfersthat is transferred from high voltage cables into transformer station.

A closer look at the data reveals that the water-used as natural resources to generate electricity is repeatedly
While the introductory phrase is good, the other part of the sentence needs to be reworded. I guess you want to say that water is used repeatedly to generate electricity (?)

Maybe something like this will sound better:
"...repeatedly, water is used as a natural resource to generate electricity"

Hope this helps :)
autumn_waltz   
Mar 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / Exams as a way to measure students' ability [3]

Nowadays cheating on exams is commonplace; therefore it is not uncommon for students who do not do well in the class to score high on the exams

as teachers might to forestall cheating from taking place
autumn_waltz   
Mar 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / There are some huge gaps between male and female regarding teaching - IELTS [4]

A closer look at the data reveals

The primary school had the similar story, the vast majority teachers were females.
I suggest replacing "story" by more formal words.
"The primary school had the similar pattern "
or
"the primary school showed the similar tendency "

Also, you need to modify the second part of the sentence. You may place a semicolon:
The primary school had the similar story; the vast majority of teachers were females.
or
The primary school had the similar story, with the vast majority of teachers being females.
autumn_waltz   
Mar 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS - governments subsidize museums, theaters and other arts, and it concerns many people. [3]

Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead.
To what extent do you agree with this statement?

Today, the fact that governments subsidize museums, theaters and other arts concerns many people. One may hear indignant public claiming that authorities should stop such investments completely and redirect those money on public needs. As for me, I find such exclamations a bit simplistic and suggest that this problem is complex and multi-dimensional.

[...]
autumn_waltz   
Feb 27, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Car ownership has increased so rapidly over the past thirty years [2]

They use it frequently for having trips
people commuting by car

Admittedly, the allowance to pay higher tax for car ownership is the viable solution through this problem
"allowance" isn't a right word here. I suggest rewording: ..the implementation of the policy that requires people to pay...

people who visit to this country are estimated to be surprise because there are no more cars operated in this country.
people who visit to this country
are estimatedare liable to be surprised - "estimate to be" is used for figures

The reason why it could be happenedhappen is that (governments rise in tax??)...
I suggest rewording: the reasons for this involve the authorities rising the tax for car ownership and fining (verb fine)...

By doing so, people tend to cogitate about driving to the town
you can't write "by doing so, people.." because in this case the subject is the government. Who is "doing so"? -Government. So it should be " by doing so, government..." --- so this needs rewording. Or remove the phrase "by doing so"

I'd write "As a result,people tend to avoid"

As a result, people will not break the rule when governments are able to manage well.
It doesn't make sense to write "people will not break the rule", because such a problem has not been aroused. The problem is that people use car too often; we don't know if they break rules.

Also,here you need to write in the past simple, because you are referring to the result, which already took place.
as a result, people gave up their habits of using their cars too often because the government was able to manage well
autumn_waltz   
Feb 27, 2015
Undergraduate / Where words or actions are not able to produce. Parsons The New School Artist Statement revision. [5]

I am not a native speaker, and I'm far from painting, so very carefully I'll try to discuss your essay.

To begin, the writing is skillful and expressive - I got engaged reading it!

I noted the following minor faults:
--- in the third sentence you use the word "eradicate" where you probably mean "stems from" or "is rooted in"

--- and some typos: "I seek drawing and paintings ", "I draw from the ideal "

Also, in the 4th paragraph (Equally fascinating to me is the human body...), it is not clear how the first sentence is linked with the subsequent ones.

Good luck!

P.S. And I actually don't ask you to check my essay, I just don't know how to switch off that thing below!
autumn_waltz   
Feb 26, 2015
Writing Feedback / People perceive change in different ways. Is it always for the better or not? Is vital for our lives [5]

Some people prefer to spend lives doing the same things and avoiding change. Others, however, think that change is always a good thing.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

It is true that people perceive change in different ways. Some members of the community believe that change is always for the better, while others think otherwise.

Those who are in favor of change may argue that it poses a possibility for a particular person to improve themselves, both mentally and socially. From the mental perspective, changes relating to traveling and receiving education help people broaden their minds and accumulate new knowledge of a particular area. As for the social perspective - it is empathy for others that he or she may acquire after suffering changes in his or her private life, because it is known that those who experienced various changes in relationships with their families or acquaintances may then better understand other people's feelings. This way, change improves not only person's mental, but also social and private aspect.

In contrast, those who avoid changes point out the difficulties to readapt to them that many people experience. For instance, some large companies, Finnair for example, practice giving professional psychological and medicine support to those employees who were sacked due to companies' structural changes. Apparently, such policies infer that a spate of people may suffer from the difficulty to accustom to the changes and find their new way in life. In addition, it can be pointed out that changes regarding private affairs not always make a person better. For many people such changes simply cause a nervous breakdown, and, again, may jeopardize their health, since psychological aspect of a person is tightly connected to his or her general well-being.

In conclusion,I tend to partly agree with those who welcome change. Although I do not support the idea that it it is always a good thing, I admit that trying to avoid change is useless, since it is an indispensable part of our lives. For this reason, those who react to change positively and focus their efforts on taking advantage of it end up being in a better condition than those who are passive about it.
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