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Posts by dquinlan11
Name: Daniel Quinlan
Joined: Mar 4, 2015
Last Post: Mar 11, 2015
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Posts: 16  
Likes: 7
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 16
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Mar 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Taxes burden citizens in some countries. [6]

Hello tiaDS,
A well-thought response! My suggestions would largely be grammar/punctionation-based and word choice. For example:

"While this reason can be understandable for some reasons , I utterly believe" (you use the word "reason" twice here in the same clause, this can be repetitive for the reader and slow down their progress; I'd suggest rewording this to be more concise, such as "While this point is understandable,...")

"A study, conducted by Harvard University, points out that tuition fees" (these commas are probably not necessary; they create a break in the sentence that might be unnatural for readers)

"For pragmatic instance, local council of Jakarta..." (this word is not necessary)
Mar 11, 2015
Undergraduate / An Experience that has been particularly meaningful to me is when I gave birth to my son. FAMU Essay [3]

Hello ayee_vis,
Having a child is truly a wonderful experience! Would this be your entire answer or is this just the introductory paragraph? I ask because if it's your complete answer to the prompt, I'd consider including some details or a short anecdote about the events/circumstances surrounding your son's birth. Those details will set your answer apart from the other answers given by other applicants. It will give the admission people something concrete to remember you by when they're discussing the merits of each applicant.

If this is the introductory paragraph, I'd suggest quickly outlining in a conversational fashion what you would like to say with your answer; namely, an short anecdote about what makes your son's birth meaningful, and how that relates to this scholarship (which you've mostly already done here). Let me know if you'd like any help in crafting that.
Mar 11, 2015
Scholarship / "deserving party" - I am aware that only a limited number of students are granted scholarships [9]

From a scholarship application standpoint, I think I interpret the 3rd requirement (3.Convincing personal reasons and motivation) differently from how you've done so here. To me, it looks like your paragraph towards the end that begins with "The living expenses in Germany are much higher than in India." describes your current hardships. However, I think what the prompt is asking for what motivations and reasons for pursuing this education/scholarship set you apart from the rest of the applicants. So instead of making what may sound like a plea for scholarship money because of your financial situation, I'd think of how your motivation to excel and contribute to that academic community that's unique to you, instead of detailing your financial situation (because the truth of it is, probably everyone applying for this scholarship is financially hurting as well, so this doesn't differentiate you from the other applicants). You might consider including a short anecdote that details your commitment to doing well here.
Mar 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / Forcing visitors to behave like host country would not bring anything new - no good changes for host [3]

Hello Maryla,
Very well thought-out. There are a number of sentence-verb agreement errors where your subject is plural and your verb is singular (and vice versa). I've picked a few of them out below. Be sure that "is" always goes with a singular subject and "are" goes with a plural subject.

"there isare a number of heated discussions (plural subject) "
"And this (singular subject) leads to more misunderstanding and in long term makemakes governing the country cope"

Also, be sure to exclude phrases that might clutter or slow down your writing.

"To begin with,considering the point that when people step into a new country they do not leave behind all they've learnt before and their culture,is crucial. "

"To sum it up,as I see the issue ,forcing visitors to behave like..."
Mar 9, 2015
Writing Feedback / Trying to rephrase a paragraph with unusual grammar to get intended message across [3]

Hello sabooakhter,
This sounds like legal language, regarding which, I'd always recommend consulting an attorney before presenting it within a contractual agreement. But if you're looking at least for a quick suggestion.

"The defendant expressly understands that his waiver is not predicated upon any other promises, agreements, or understandings except only on the promise that Party B shall entertain plea offers, and that the trial will be set no earlier than May 5th. It is only the terms set forth in this phrase thatupon these terms that may preclude party B from proceeding against the defendant during or after the time period covered by this waiver."
Mar 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / The cool night breeze whistled softly, blowing lightly through my hair [5]

Hello maddy1579,
I'm having a little trouble following what's happening here. From what I can understand, the narrator is experiencing a dream at the beginning of the story, but then she chases someone away from the house, before hiding herself?

I'd suggest presenting a number of these sentences that "show" more than they "tell". For example,

"I twisted the handle on the old door but it was locked."
"The old door handle wouldn't budge"

"Once safely in my room, I notice an old, rotting smell coming from just outside."
"The stench of decay crept in from the hallway."

Does that help?
Mar 7, 2015
Graduate / SOP for MAIDP Interest and expectation of working under disaster condition. [3]

That's a good addition to the essay! Now, what'd I'd suggest you do is perform some editing and consolidate some of these paragraphs together. I'm not sure what your word limit is here, but right now, your essay is close to 900 words long, which can be too long for many readers. Usually, 500 words is a good length to answer a question prompt like this. (of course, if the prompt states elsewhere that they expect something longer that 500 words, follow the prompt)

Also, with the addition of your new paragraph, I think your paragraph that begins with "I am about 22 pounds overweight right now,..." is a little out of place. Consider moving this paragraph to a more logical place in the essay, or use an introductory clause like, "One of the other challenges that I face is that..."
Mar 7, 2015
Scholarship / I noticed that most of the students lack good interpersonal and debating skills - SMU COX MBA app. [3]

Hello vincenm,
Primarily, I'd suggest adding a little more structure to your third paragraph so that a reader has an easier time navigating such a large body of text. For example:

1. Generating Interest
2. Activities to Increase Interpersonal/Debating Skills
3. End Result (basically, do you have proof that you improved the skills you set out to improve?)

Also, there are some sentences that I think need to be edited/removed to improve you conciseness. For example:

- "We were well aware that our event wouldn't attract most students as it offered neither the geeky fame of tech events nor the glamour of the dance and fashion shows." (this gives additional commentary that's not necessary to answer the prompt)

- You use the verb "make" and "made" frequently in reference to compelling someone to do something (for example, "I knew I had to first make the college students get interested in the event") this is unnecessarily forceful and just doesn't sound very good; I'd recommend using a word similar to "encourage"
Mar 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / Preventing crime is the viable benefit of using body scanner and CCTV - IELTS [5]

Hello akhfan,
I think there are a number of words/phrases that you should look-up in a dictionary to verify that the meaning of the word fits in with the intent of the context. For example:

"irritate" (in most contexts here, I think you mean "invade", such as "However, CCTV and variants of biometric scanners irritateinvade privacy")

"costumers" (you probably mean "customers" here")
"tranquility" (while this is often defined similar to "peace", I'd hesitate to use it as often as you have in your sample, since it's a bit of a stronger word that "peace"; try using synonyms like "peace" and "law and order" to mix things up
Mar 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / Information technology enables many people to do their work outside their workplace [4]

Hello Anfalia,
I like the analysis that you did here; however, I think there are a number of words/phrases that you should look-up in a dictionary to verify that the meaning of the word fits in with the intent of the context. For example:

"...twice more likelythan the benefits" (try replacing with "harmful")
"To exemplify, an employer works at coffee shop..." (try replacing with "For example")
"Conversely, employees who work outside tend..." (tr replacing with "On the other hand" or "By contrast")
"For pragmatic instance" (eliminate this word altogether, as it just confuses your meaning here)
"here are several demeritsin some aspects" (I think "drawback" would be more appropriate here, as "demerits" are typically assigned to a person, not a question)

"Secondly, less interaction towith other people negatively impacts to their narrow minded in their perspectiveability to think critically"

Hope this helps!
Mar 5, 2015
Graduate / SOP for MAIDP Interest and expectation of working under disaster condition. [3]

Hello SHanafi,
There a number of verb tense and word choice errors in this essay; I'd recommend reading though it and correcting whatever you find first, then re-posting for the community to proofread.

One thought on the overall message of the essay is that while I think you address the benefits and challenges in working in "uncomfortable and unfamiliar culture conditions" ("it will all be paid off with a sincere smile of those who succeed you help" and "I am about 22 pounds overweight right now, this may weaken my performance while do rush work in the disaster assistance"), but I think you might be able to touch a little more on the cultural challenges you might face in the disaster areas. All cultures have their enigmas and challenges, including language and customs barriers. Maybe you could include a section about how you'd deal with those?

Hope this helps!
Mar 4, 2015
Undergraduate / Our first computer program, "Hello world"; Essay for English class [4]

Hello cal23,
Please include the prompt for the essay, as that will give me a better idea of whether you answer the prompt fully.

"As time passed by, my interest became more abroadbroad ."

"a game that would inspire young, bright minds"

"As the year kept passingpassed by, I enjoyed it more and more. That was when I realized that this was the major I wanted to dostudy ."
Mar 4, 2015
Undergraduate / Growth of Resilience - UC Personal Statement 2 [4]

Sdelicana, you provide excellent details about your challenges growing up, but I think paragraphs 2, 3, and 4 could be combined into a sort-of "evidence" paragraph that substantiates the initial introductory paragraph. Also, dig deeper into those experiences and summarize what virtues you were lacking during those difficult times or what made you unconfident.

If you do that, your first two paragraphs will focus on your difficult experiences, while your subsequent paragraphs will focus on details of how you overcame those difficulties and which virtues you were able to acquire to become a more confident person. And maybe you have an anecdote to share of one instance where this confidence began to bloom. That, I think would tie the essay together nicely.

Hope that helps!
Mar 4, 2015
Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 A single mother in my world - the world you come from [3]

tylerseals, this is a very thoughtful response to the prompt! One thing I would suggest is to keep an eye out for unnecessary repetition. For example:

"As a child, I struggled being the only child, raised by a single mother/ parent..."

"Matters only grew worse as the years went by with each father's day which only emphasized the fact that I had no father as I dug deeper into the field of knowledge while my peers created the most elaborate gifts for their fathers. "

I'd recommend using some pronouns (he, she, it, they, etc.) to replace some of the repetitive nouns and some rephrasing for some clauses that introduce repetition (i.e. "When I was younger" instead of "As a child"). This will vary the phraseology for the reader, engaging their attention in a more natural, conversational way.

Hope this helps!
Mar 4, 2015
Writing Feedback / Knowledge from teachers, not from internet or TV? IELTS essay - Learning Resources [3]

I think you conclusion paragraph could use some revision. From your last sentence, it looks like the goal of education is to "gain knowledge as much as possible", but what's primarily being focused on in the previous paragraphs is developing an investigatory ability. Therefore, instead of suggesting that the best learning method is one that only increases student knowledge, I think your conclusion should logically be that which increases student knowledge while also giving them the critical thinking skills to investigate and arrive at the answers on their own.

Does that make sense? Hope that helps!
Mar 4, 2015
Writing Feedback / Comparison of the changes of three main exports in Southland - IELTS [4]

First paragraph is a little choppy with the "billion pounds sterling" sentence. Try incorporating it with the first sentence like, "The bar chart, shown in units of billion pounds sterling, compares..." Also, the last sentence could use a little restructuring: "While there is a noticeable increase in total off main..., predictions indicate that 2025 will see a slight fall of exports..."

In comparing the data, I would suggest initially calling out the trends that occur for each year, then substantiate that with the exact numbers, similar to how you have it above. For example, "International tourism has been on the rise... ; however, dairy and meat products are generally showing signs of decline...." This will give the reader some helpful context to your paragraphs before getting into the weeds of the numbers.

Hope this helps!