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Posts by fadh93
Name: Kandrika Fadhlan Pritularga
Joined: Oct 31, 2015
Last Post: Jan 4, 2016
Threads: 6
Posts: 11  
From: Indonesia
School: Universitas Gadjah Mada

Displayed posts: 17
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fadh93   
Jan 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / The recognized greatness of a political leader is coming from his ability to take up the challenges [2]

TASK: The perceived greatness of any political leader has more to do with the challenges faced by that leader than with any of his or her inherent skills and abilities.

Recent years, few political leaders are being spotlighted by media from over the world. They are known from their success on their program to overcome problems of each country. Their perceived greatness of that leader is, some of them believe, coming more from their ability to take up the challenges than their personal traits like inherent skills and abilities.

Foremost, society wants the real actions from political leader to solve their problems. Consequently, they will look on whether the leader is succeeded on their duties or not. Thus, people will not look at the leader's personal traits as the benchmark to indicate the successfulness of that leader. Beside that, taking up the society's challenges requires a lot of experiences. The experience to tackle such problems wil be gained as the matter of time. Furthermore, maturity also comes as the factor of the greatness of leader. The ability to control emotion and to look from other perspectives will help the leader to solve the problem in an acceptable way. This also will lead to create trust from society to the leader. So that, it is not all about their traits that influence their performance but the experiences do.

On the other hand, inherent skills and abilities are only part of factors that create good political leaders. Generally speaking, these traits are only a basis of making desicion and should be molded by time and experience. If we can not upgrade that skills, we will be seen as "a trapped man in the box". As this is only the basis, leaders should have more experience on facing problems, be able to tolerate more on different type of people and also need to meet more and more people to increase their ability on negotiation. Again, there is a factor that may exceed how people see the greatness of political leaders.

In conclusion, we can say that it is truly believed that challenges faced by political leader make more role on their perceived greatness of leader than their inherent skills and abilities. These can be logically proved by these days many political leaders such as Barack Obama, Angela Merkel, and Joko Widodo, the president of Indonesia, are being well perceived by their people because they can tackle some problems their people face, such as how Angela Merkel can save Germany from Europe Financial Crisis, how Obama can improve US economy, and how Joko Widodo can solve infrastructure problem in Indonesia.

-Do I have ideal length?
-Please comment on my essay so that I can improve mine
Thanks
fadh93   
Nov 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 2] Working Parents: Discussing Effects on Additional Income and Parents' Absence [2]

In today's competitive world, many families find it necessary for both parents to go out to work. While some say the children in these families benefit from the additional income, others feel they lack support because or their parents' absence.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion


I need some advices for responding these problems. I am afraid that I am not addressing all the problems on the body so my task response will be low.

Nowadays, lifestyle can be so consuming. Some families in middle class society try to catch up that kind of lifestyle. As consequence, the parents of that families decide to work, both of them. Regarding to this, some say that the children will enjoy the additional income while others say that they will lack of the absence of parents. This essay will discuss on both views and try to give opinion about that.

Some people may think that children will enjoy the additional income from their parents. Then, children will have better facilities, such as gadgets, books, accommodations, and etc. So that children will feel more comfortable and easy to live. However, money does not guarantee children's happiness as children need attentions from adult. In addition, children may feel so lonely with all that facilities and try to find attentions from others in both positive or negative ways.

For others who think that working parents will lack of control from parents, this will have benefit and drawback as well. By lack of parents' absence, children will be more independent since they decide everything by themselves. This should be encouraged to prepare our children to face the reality. In contrast, this also may lead to uncontrollable children so that parents do not have ability to give advices or to correct their children's behaviour.

In nutshell, working parents leads to two views to be discussed, namely beneficial effect of additional income and lacking of parent's absence. Children of working parents will benefits better facilities but that facilities does not always define the happiness of children. Therefore, by looking of parents' control, children will be more independent but parents may find it difficult to advise and to control their children. In my opinion, both of parents should work nowadays but they should coordinate each other to take care of children so that parents will show their good ability in parenting.
fadh93   
Nov 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / Adolescents should be taught to compete, since this brings a decision maker skills for their future [3]

Hi Hasdy

In general, adolescents should be taught to compete, since this brings such as a better decision maker for their future.
- this brings a better decision-making skill for their future

I don't think that 'In contrast' in paragraph 3 is appropriate to be used. I think it is more appropriate if you use in addition because you do not contrast anything.

Cheers!
fadh93   
Nov 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK I : The percentage change in the number of international students graduating [2]

Hi Abraham. I would like to give some comments on your essay.

Your introduction is quite good and I can follow the flow of your writing. Maybe you need to improve your grammar, like:
A breakdown of the proportion alter of the figure for overseas students graduating from third-level education in several Canadian provinces, categorized by eight provinces from 2001 to 2006, a 5 - year period is presented in bar chart --> I don't know where is the verb, I guess it is 'alter' that should be 'alters' as you use A BREAKDOWN as subject.

I found that your organization on body is still confusing. It has two ideas, I think, for describing 2001 and 2006. You can use two paragraph to explain 2001 and tell the difference occurred on 2006 or you may use one paragraph that directing presents the difference between 2001 and 2006.

I don't think that it is appropriate to put last sentence as a paragraph. It's not concluding but you put it as paragraph. It is more appropriate if it's on body

Goodluck!
Cheers
fadh93   
Nov 6, 2015
Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 2] Expressing Ideas by Creative Artists: Freedom and The Role of Government [2]

Creative artist should always be given the freedom to express their own ideas (in words, pictures, music, or film) in whichever way the wish. There should be no government restrictions on what they do.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?


Some countries in this world control their artists to express their idea, like North Korea, to strengthen their ideology. In the other hand, some democratic countries let their artists to exhibit their works. By these facts, some people believe that creative artists should express their ideas freely in words, pictures, music, or film and let them do it without government's restrictions. Regarding to this issue, I believe that it is the right way to let them expressing their idea without any limitations.

One of the prominent reason is that expressing idea freely is a form of basic human rights, freedom to speak. This right has been included in many bills around the world. In Indonesia, its constitution has guaranteed the freedom to speak for all Indonesians. By restricting creativity, innovation will be inhibited and development of every aspect will be stuck in the middle. Regarding to these logics, it has been a role of government to preserve human right and they should respect each person's right, especially freedom to speak for creative artists.

Another reason is that expressing ideas can be a tool of controlling governments. Usually, artists get inspiration for their works from the voice of people, trying to expressing what people want from government. In Indonesia, Iwan Fals, a singer, used his songs to shout out the criticisms to Soeharto regime. Pramoedya, a writer, did the same by using his novels. It is believed that these actions can be valued as balancing power of government so that government will not do anything necessary.

To conclude, I personally strongly agree that artist should express their ideas freely without any restrictions from government due to some reasons, such as the basic human right and efforts for balancing the power of government. In addition, we should encourage the actions to be a freer world for any kind of expressions and take actions to fight back the restrictions towards creating creative works.
fadh93   
Nov 6, 2015
Writing Feedback / People often live in different, sometimes distant areas from the place where they were born - IELTS [4]

Hi Norman

I would like to comment about your essay.

When the question is about giving advantages and disadvantages, I think it is better if you give the advantage and disadvantage from both of views, staying in one place and moving around. In your essay, I only read the advantages of staying in one place, no disadvantages. I found that you mess a bit in organising sentences which support and give details. Please remind that you may give a space between paragraphs. It is easier to recognise which one is first and second. You should find references for your grammars and you do some mistakes on spelling.

Cheers
fadh93   
Nov 4, 2015
Writing Feedback / Cars Ownership and Traffic Jam: Examples and Measures - [IELTS TASK 2] [2]

Car ownership has increased so rapidly over the past thirty years that many cities in the world are now 'one big traffic jam'.
How true do you think this statement is?
What measures can governments take to discourage people from using their cars?


In several decades, the structure of society is becoming more complex than we can ever imagine. This phenomenon leads to the increasing of mobility of society. Consequently, the need of private car is booming. Moreover, many cities are suffering from 'one big traffic jam'. Regarding to these issues, I believe that the statements are true and government should take some measures to overcome this problem.

Looking at car ownership, developing countries experience high growth of sales of cars in recent years. Obviously, by the low growth of road construction, there will be worse traffic in big city, like Jakarta. In Jakarta, people everyday face traffic congestion on peak hours. Around the globe, the same situation happens in Beijing and Mexico City. By these examples, we may say that the rapid growth of car ownership leads to horrible traffic congestion.

If we take a look on the measures that government should make, I personally propose the measures that will give disincentive on buying a new car or an additional car. Logically, government may charge tax to the company so the price of the car will be higher. The alternative option is to tax the owner of the car, taxing for the initial car or for the additional car. In the other hand, government may regulate the price of gasoline higher so that the maintenance cost of having cars is relatively high. These kinds of effort will be disincentives for citizens on having cars.

To sum up, there are many proofs that the increase of car ownership has consequence on traffic congestion. To solve this problem, government may have three options, including charging tax on company, on the owner of car, and rising up the cost of maintenance of having cars. If this problem is not solved soon, this will seriously get worse year by year.
fadh93   
Nov 4, 2015
Writing Feedback / Television station always have way to entertain its audience (IELTS Task 2) [2]

Hi Akbar

I find easily in reading this essay. Maybe others have more capabilities to assess the grammar but I think that it has fulfilled the coherence and you have answered those questions.

I just find an error in the beginning of first paragraph,
Television stationS always have way to entertain its audience.
Television station always have has way to entertain its audience.

Goodluck!
Cheers
fadh93   
Nov 4, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: The Greatest Challenge for Parents Who Had a lot of Children [5]

Hi Fahmi

I wil try to give a comment on how your idea is organised.

First, I am a bit confused with your position when I read your body. It seems you have neutral position on your body. Better if you only explain your second paragraph in advantage side and you make the third paragraph on body to emphasise the disadvantage. So, your position will be explained clearly. It is safer, I think.

Good luck!
Cheers
fadh93   
Nov 4, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: technology has affected communication, positive or negative? [2]

Hi, I would like to give a comment about introduction

We are living in the era ...

We are living in the era of technology, resulting in fundamental shifts in people's ways of communication. This phenomenon has influenced relationship between people in many aspect . I believe positive effects outweigh negative ones, while there are negative effects of this development .

I find a bit confusing when you use passive voice on your introduction, so I try to use active voice and I think it is more understandable.

Btw, I love the way you answer the first question. It sounds real and really close to us.

Goodluck
Cheers!
fadh93   
Nov 3, 2015
Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 1] Analysing Map of School from 1950 until 2010 [4]

The pictures illustrate the changes of West Park Secondary School from the initial construction from 1950 until 2010. We can see that changes occurred a lot in sixty years but the school remained the same.

In 1950, the school was constructed near the main road in the right side of the map. In the left side of the school, three typical houses stood there. Behind the houses, there was a farmland. Thus, the playground was behind the school and on the right side of the farmland.

In 1980, there were few changes in the surrounding of the school. The school building in 1950 became the main building of school in 1980. The houses changed to science block and car park. In precisely left side of the main building, there was a squared science block and the rest was car park. Moreover, the farmland turned into sport field and the playground remained the same.

In 2010, few changes occurred if we compare to situation in 1980. The car park was larger, taking over the sport field in 1980. Then, the sport field was moved to the right side of previous one, replacing the partial of playground. Consequently, the playground was narrower than of that in 1980. For the main building of school and the science corner, they were the same as in 1980.
fadh93   
Nov 3, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 1 the reasons for studying according to student's age [2]

Hi, I will give comments about your writing

First, for introduction, I think it's better to use one sentence for two graphs.

The first bar chart gives information regarding the reasons for studying according to student's age and the second chart shows supporting by Employers Time off and help with fees.

The charts give information regarding the reason for studying and employee support in time off and fee, based on age groups.

I think you write the overview too much detail. You can sum up by using comparison and contrast.

Cheers
I hope these will help you much
fadh93   
Nov 3, 2015
Writing Feedback / The Percentage of Pupils Appearance in Secondary School (IELTS Task 1) [2]

Hi

I am still newbie here so I don't think that I will give an extravagant comments.

Overall, while pupils showed a significant increase in presence appearance in classrooms year by year, three other sorts of intermediate school witnessed a decrease pattern.

"several kinds of secondary school in three differ years; 2000, 2005"

I think it should be three different years
As I know, to differ is verb.

"pupils presence in community school experienced rose generation by generation"
I tend not to use generation by generation because the difference between years are only 5 years, so I think it's better if you use year by year.

I think that your essay has used the correct structure, but it's good if you have better arrangement of sentence to make it more interesting.

Cheers
fadh93   
Oct 31, 2015
Writing Feedback / Do you agree that women should be given equal chance to participate in the military? [2]

Hi, I am a newbie here but I will try to give comments.

I think you should make a bridge sentence between introduction and first paragraph on the body.

"... I strongly support the argument that they should be given the same chance as men to unquestionably participate in military service.

Our modern world has evolved so much that even in military, physiologic supremacy is an obsolete requirement for soldiers. Varied positions are ..."

I am a bit confused with 'Our modern...' because there is no bridge there. You should elaborate more on that idea while in paragraph three and four you give fairly good explanations.

"It would indicate(s) that women are more suitable in military works which need intellectual prowess."

Goodluck!
fadh93   
Oct 31, 2015
Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 1] Consumer Spending on Several Items (Cambridge IELTS 7) [2]

The table illustrates the consumer spending on different items in several countries in Europe, 2002.

Looking at Ireland, that citizens consumed food/drinks/tobacco nearly one-third of their total spending, followed by clothing/footwear and leisure/education for the least, and Turkey did as well. Italy, Spain, and Sweden allocated their spending on refreshments below 30%. Each countries shared their spending on fashion and leisure/education less than 10% and 5%, respectively.

From the perspective of items, Turkey spent the most for refreshment and leisure/education among the five countries. Moreover, Italy loved fashion the most regarding to the highest share of their spending than that of other countries.

All in all, each countries spent the most on refreshment, continued to fashion and leisure/education for the least. Therefore, Turkey was the highest spending on refreshment and leisure/education while Italy did on fashion, compared to other countries.



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