Undergraduate / Personal statement describing the applicant's objective, aspiration. [2]

Hi all,

Here is the prompt: Describe the applicant's objective, aspiration, plans after graduation and particulars of their exta-curricular activities, including sports, and their level of community involvement.

This is my very first draft, so it's very crude, especially the grammar. Please dissect it and comment as harsh as you can. I really appreciate your help.

So there is an applicant applying for the prestigious university. You have read his application profile. You know he loves Physics. You know he is a scholar, a musician, a leader and an ardent community volunteer. His records might have sparked something about him, but you are unsure if he truly deserves the place.

Let me tell you a little bit more about him, something that his portfolio has yet to reveal about him.

His wondrous journey started four years ago when he received a scholarship to study in the lion nation named Singapore. Back then, he was youthful, eager and ambitious. There was nothing could stop him from embracing winds from across the globe. His world revolved around winds that brought him chronicle about the Great Wall, told him tales of the 1001 nights, and sang the songs about the legendary Samurai. In return, he shared with every wind how a red soil, once studded with bomb craters and stained with heroic blood, has nourished him into a proud young student. He got richer with every window of perspective and friendships brought to him each day. However, there was something remained unsolved, something that he could not comprehend, something came from his family the day he board the plane.

"Good luck, son. Study hard, get a passport and you shall enjoy a wonderful life there!"

Stranger still, he received blunt skepticisms from his family about his plan to bring back what he had learned after his graduation. He could not comprehend their reasoning. What "false hope"? Whose hope is false anyway?

His grandfather, a war veteran, slowly explained to him how he had grown up in a culture that likes to gloss over pain and war tragedy, mask it with confetti and obscures it with romanticism. He grew up in the belief that the image of shanty towns would fade into the mist of history and skyscrapers would immerse from the empty hands of war heroes. He was taught how the power of social progress would heal any wound as time goes by. It has been three decades since the end of the war and yet the stark reality is far less rosy than the exquisite pictures that he people had envisioned. Many children in his neighborhood remained illiterate. Parents gave in to the vicious cycle of alcohol abuse and domestic violence. For them, there will never be moon cake festival, new clothes, or a day in the lecture hall. He tried to ask his friends but never expected them to be so ignorant of that world, which happened to be just a few blocks away from their cozy homes. They were too busy embracing consumerism to become conscious of such disparity. He realized, for the first time, that there had been an artificial glamour deliberately made out of distorted statistic to cover the inequality between the well-off and the destitute. He wished he could cross the gap that people constantly deny its existence, tear down the ignorance and help to bring about the changes.

I am that applicant.

I am ever known as an idealist. Just like me, several generations had the privilege of getting an education from overseas. They never returned, just as their families never again expected them to. I could have been like them, I could have chosen a comfortable path that would grant me citizenship in another country, guarantees a smooth sail in my career and life. But who will rebuild the country then? Through years of volunteering in Scouting, I have shared time with children from the all walks of life. I have witnessed many children living off the roads without a shelter or education. My heart skipped a beat when a visually impaired student told me his dream was simply a cassette to record his lessons and play them back after classes. There were many times I heard the familiar echoes from a street vendor wandering aimlessly through the deserted boulevard, his voice intermittently disappeared into the veil of a shivering December rain. I decided to take it upon myself to care for the less fortunate children and protect the precious kindness still left in their worlds. I secretly wish that some simple games, songs and skits would put a grin on their face and instill a little more warmth in their hearts.

The greatest gift to give a third world country would be education. Not because it provides knowledge and opportunity to get away from poverty, but because it is much more than just a way to accomplish one's goal. Education gives children skills that they can use throughout their lives. It teaches them how to hope, how to play fair, how to strive and how to give back. When you give a child an education, give him not bits and pieces of college textbooks. Give him a dream to aspire to.

I am neither Mr. Obama who can navigate the country according to his vision nor someone who has the charisma to advocate for an education reform. I am simply someone who is fortunate to read these lines and had many opportunities to grow up while studying overseas. How can I help? Build an orphanage. Open a school that provides free education to the less fortunate children. Give out scholarships. Certainly it's not the best solution, but I hope it would open up a new path to someone and he would, in turn, start a new circle of life.

How much do you know about me now?

Undergraduate / Essay on Science (to pursue the proposed field of study) [3]

Prompt: In less than 1500 words, briefly describe why you want to pursue the proposed field of study and how your participation in past research / intellectual activities demonstrates your passion for science and R & D.

Are you amazed at the fact that you can extract things out of our imaginary plane by multiplying them with the imaginary number? Incredibly, getting Harry Potter's magical wand real by multiplying it with i takes my breath away. However, such fantasy can be nerve-wracking during the Singapore Physics Olympiad selection test. Right now I have to bypass this annoying expression sinh{pi/2}=2.301298. Clearly, the imaginary roots of my auxiliary equation indicate a simple harmonic motion with maximum velocity occurs at pi/2. Intuitively, the solution must be something elegant because irrational solution does not exist in the eyes of a rational Physicist. Had Einstein's famous equation been E=mc2.001, the world we live in would be a disastrous place.

I scratch my head in frustration.
I exile a few people to my Minkowsky space.
I multiply them by i.
I franticly look through my 2 pages of solving differential equation again and again. What is wrong with my simple harmonic motion? Not until the last five minutes that I realize sine function is actually spelled sin{}.

Sin{pi/2}=1!
At times like this, I almost scream out that I will never do Physics again. However, deep down in my heart, I know that this is what I am going to do for the rest of my life. Theoretical Physics has played a foundational role in my life. I find Physics a fascinating subject as it is the basis of all sciences; a science that predicts Nature using equations and laws. It amazes me how celestial movements are governed by Newton's simple gravitational law, how every electricity and magnetism phenomenon can be explained using only Maxwell's set of four equations. My exposure to the world of Physics since young shapes every corner of my central dogma. I believe that everything is governed by a law and it must be as beautiful as equations that represent it.

Two months after the test, I felt a burst of elation on learning that I had clung Honorable Mention in the Olympiad, placing me among the top 40 Physics students in Singapore. Most of my achievements, however, lie in research. If anybody told me that Physics geeks are only capable of blowing up teacher's desk, I took it as a challenge. I have worked on three research projects at I2R, IME and NUS. The first project studying virtual simulation of mixed reality won the merit award in the Science Mentorship Program and was presented at the Inaugural Independent Science Research Congress. The 2nd project on polarization waveguide was a finalist at the Singapore Science and Engineering Fair (SSEF) 2009. My ongoing third project on nanomaterial fabrication has speaks of its promising contribution to the mass production of material that can bend light and generate invisibility. To me, doing research is immensely rewarding, because each of my discovery will never be made enticing before truly gratifies my inquiry spirit of science.

On the other hand, doing research allows me to reevaluate my life as a Physicist. It taught me a great deal on how dynamics a career in science would be. Being accustomed to the formulated world based on empirical observation, my view on Physics was once limited to piles of classical textbooks full of philosophical thoughts. My attachments at different research institutes provided me with opportunities to work with some of the world's cutting-edge technologies, learn from the best scientific minds in science community and expose to the world of R&D. More importantly, they allowed me to see the world on a wider perspective and tackle problems with different approaches. My professor at I2R showed me how a dry Physics concept such as conservation of momentum could be made fascinating once it is applied to mixed reality world. My research mentor at NUS taught me how to get away from my confined space-time continuum of differential equation and enter a multidisciplinary world of nanoscience. Undoubtedly, bringing concepts of different fields of science together has definitely broadened my understanding of Physics that I enjoy learning.

As I am applying to this scholarship, I understand that the point of getting it is neither a way to finance my study, nor a pathway to a high-paying job in the future. Rather, it is the opportunity to purse my passion and satisfy my thirst of knowledge. In retrospect, all the past experiences that I had with Physics and research are not only a worthy experience but also a preparation to step into a career of science. If you ask whether I still want to formulate my own world using differential equation, surely I would to say it is the coolest thing to do in life. It is my childhood dream to have a law to be named after me. Beyond that, I would love to apply my knowledge of the physical world into something beneficial to the world.

Undergraduate / Personal statement on Physics (UCAS); I scratch my head in frustration. [4]

Hi all,

I intend to major in Physics at UK. There is no prompt for the personal statement. My senior told me that basically I need to blow the horn as loud as I can because admission officers in UK only look for the creme de la creme and pay no particular attention to anything else beyond the academic context. I find this very weird and try to put my personality into the essay as much as I can.

This is my first rough draft. I know that the last 3 paragraphs need to be more incoherent. Any suggestion? Please check for grammatical/expression error and comment as harsh as possible. I really appreciate your help. Thank you in advance.

Do you know that you can extract things out of our imaginary plane by multiplying them with the imaginary number? Think of getting Harry Potter's magical wand real by multiplying it with i. However, such fantasy can be nerve-wracking during the selection test. Right now I have to bypass this annoying expression sinh{pi/2}=0.521095. Clearly, the real roots of my auxiliary equation indicate a simple harmonic motion with maximum velocity occurs at pi/2. Intuitively, the solution must be something simple as Physicists detest irrational numbers. They are rational people. Had Einstein's famous equation been E=mc2.001, the world we live in would be a disastrous place.

I scratch my head in frustration.

I lock a few people in my Hyperbolic space.

I multiply them by i.

I franticly look through my 3 pages of solving differential equation again and again. What is wrong with my simple harmonic motion? 5 minutes before time ends, I realize sine function is actually spelled sin{}.

Sin{pi/2}=1!

At times like this, I almost scream out that I will never do Physics again. However, deep down in my heart, I know that this is what I am going to do for the rest of my life. Theoretical Physics has played an indispensable role in my life. I find Physics a fascinating subject as it is the foundation of all science; a science that predicts nature using equations and laws. It amazes me how celestial movements are governed by Newton's simple gravitational law, how every electricity and magnetism phenomenon can be explained using only Maxwell's set of four equations. Having been acquainted to Physics since young age, it shapes every corner of my central dogma. I believe in that everything is governed by a law and it must be as beautiful as equations that represent it.

Two months after the test, I feel a burst of elation on learning that I had clung Honorable Mention for the Olympiad, placing me among the top Physics students in Singapore. Most of my achievements, however, lie in research. If anybody told me that Physics geeks are only capable of blowing up teacher's desk, I took it as a challenge. I have worked on 3 research projects, one on virtual simulation of Physical world, one in the field of electronics engineering, and one in nanomaterial fabrication. The first project won the merit award in the Science Mentorship Program and was presented at the Inaugural Independent Science Research Congress. The 2nd project was a finalist at the Singapore Science and Engineering Fair (SSEF) 2008. My ongoing third project has a promising future in mass production of metamaterial that can bend light and generate invisibility. To me, doing research is immensely rewarding, realizing the fact that each of my discovery has never made known before truly gratifies my inquiry spirit of science.

Student leadership is something that I am very passionate about. I have taken up various leadership positions, such as Vice President of Venture Scout club, team leader for humanitarian expedition, among others. In addition, I was also a freelance pianist and have organized a concert with the theme of "From zero to infinity". I believe that my leadership ability in a culturally diverse environment has instilled me a keen awareness of different perspectives, which has helped develop my versatility and my ambition to embrace a new environment with confidence.

Being a scholar in a mathematics and science school has fueled my zeal and knowledge of physical world. If you pose me a question about loveliest thing to do in life, surely I would say it is to formulate my own world using set differential equations and laws.

Undergraduate / Coffee seed, coffee tree and Starbucks - Common apps: topic of your choice [7]

Hi, I have recycled one of my essay that have been posted here previously. Please feel free to make critical comments, criticism, etc. I really appreciate your help.

And as usual, please check for any grammatical/expression errors. Thank you in advance. =)

Coffee seed, coffee tree and Starbucks

Coffee seed

He was born into a family with a farming tradition in Vietnam. Everyday, he enjoyed having fun with jackfruits seeds and cashews nuts in a small house near a paddle field. When the monsoon season was about to come, his friends strangely disappeared each day. Rumors said a beast with ominous eyes had carried his friends away, one by one. Things remained shrouded in mystery and the house was soon lingered with eerie silence. One morning, he woke up and found him being carried to a mountain slope, far away from home.

The creature delicately put the heavy sack down and grasped the seeds. Burden and exhaustion revealed themselves under his eyes, across his ridged forehead and hollow cheeks. Instinctively, the seed began to run, but it was in futile. "Behold the finest seed of this land, crystallized from hard work against all odds." There was something inexplicable in his voice, radiating an unusual pride and sentiment. "Behold the land that has endured the hardship of war. Time passed, vengeance faded into the mist and fortune rebuilt from empty hands. You shall continue bringing up your best. Not only this generation, but many to come. Behold the hope of farmers."

H-O-P-E, what a strange word! While the seed was contemplating on its meaning, the farmer firmly pressed him into the muddy soil. Everything went black. No one knew the seed's fate, except a kid who had followed his grandfather to the coffee plantation.

Coffee tree

Arabica grew up in Vietnam, but was soon transplanted to a city garden named Singapore. Singapura sun and sky-rise buildings would never make him grow as tall as he was supposed to be. Yet he remains rich by reaching out his branches to embrace winds from across the globe. There were winds that brought him chronicle about the Great Wall, told him tales of the 1001 nights, and sang the songs about the legendary Samurai. In return, he shared with every wind about how a red soil, once studded with bomb craters and stained with heroic blood, has nourished him into an ambitious and proud young plant. He got richer with every window of perspective and cultural values brought to him each day.

But growing up in a foreign land was not just about crossing the cultural bridge. Underneath the seemingly peaceful shade, there was always an intense competition between him and others. Arabica's insatiable thirst for success drove him to seize every possible opportunity. He was not afraid of competition. Every challenge presented him with lessons and experience; sometimes are pleasant, sometimes are painful. There were many times that he was ready to give up, but struggles only made him stronger and livelier.

Starbucks

"It must be him, bright, youthful and determined. Exactly like when Jerry Baldwin, Zev Siegel and Gordon Bowker started their coffeehouse in Seattle in 1982." Twin-tailed siren logo recognized him from a distance.

One day, Starbucks received an appointment from a young man who would like to patent his charming coffee mix, blended with heritage and unique upbringing. An application from a far away country. From his enthusiasm, Starbucks sensed his eagerness and sincerity to meet the creme de la creme from the coffee trade. There was a curiosity mixed with uncertainty when he finally stood in front of the coffeehouse. He reached to the door but hesitantly pulled his hand back.

"Arabica, what's now?" Arabica bent down, with his leaves tickling the man's ears, whispered something; the tender caress made him feel safe and secure. "Not every thing is clear, dear tree, but certainly it will be exciting", he smiled.

Ding-dong. The bell rang as he pushed open the glass entrance.

Who am I? Am I a Vietnamese? Am I a Singaporean? An applicant to [college]? The coffee seed, the coffee tree and the trip to Starbucks had reflected my Vietnamese childhood, how my education in Singapore has allowed me room to grow as a person, and my decision to study in America. Looking back, my life has not been easy, but the experiences I have gained give me faith and confidence in what lies ahead.

Undergraduate / 'like a zombie' - Standord intellectual engaging supplement essay [14]

Question: Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.

I was tired and feeling hopeless. Twenty hours awake and still counting. I scratched my head in frustration. A couple of angry stares into the blank sheet of paper and I knew I would need my (n+1)th cup of coffee.

My eyes finally gave in under their own weight. Closing them while desperately thinking about the questions, I mechanically headed to my secret treasure chest, like a zombie. The door swung open. A jar with Trung Nguyen authentic ground coffee. A package of local instant Kopi-O. A McLatte coupon. I stood in silence.

"My upbringing is always deeply rooted in my land, in the red soil once studded with bomb craters and stained with heroic blood. Time passes, vengeance faded into the mist, and hard work against all odds crystallizes into the finest seeds of land. Drip by drip. A powerful elixir that only the brave and patient one dares to endeavor"

"Meh, your sentiment and toughness will bring you nowhere", said Kopi. "Get instant and efficient. Carpe Diem. Build your success from nothing but meritocracy."

"Sir, I admire your competitiveness. However, it would leave me lacking of compassion. I would prefer remaining honest and true to myself"

"Come to my place and I will teach you about life". The brochure calmly said.

"WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" screams resonated across the room.

Just a dream. I must have dozed off while waiting for my McLatte.

Who am I? Am I a Vietnamese? Am I a Singaporean? Cannot be, lah! A prospective American college student, perhaps? Sipping the specially brewed coffee while strolling in the garden, I recalled how the weird dream had reflected my Vietnamese childhood, my education in Singapore and my aspiration to study in America. Fresh air after a November rain. A Mass Rapid Transit Train. A Golden Arch. Getting a cup of coffee has never failed to delight me.

Geez, but not more than writing this college essay.

Undergraduate / "My dream" essay (a medical profession) [7]

Hi all,

I've just drafted my short essay about my dream. I'm not a native English speaker and really need your help on the grammar and vocab to beautify this essay. I really appreciate your help.

I have a dream. I dream that one day I could bring light back to the visually impaired people.

My mother advised me to pursue a medical profession. By heeding to her advice, I would have revisited the safe and conventional path of becoming an ophthalmologist. Instead I was filled with wonder why there had been surgeons who could replace hundreds of lenses in one day but nearly half of the patients develop complications a few weeks after the operation. It had been acknowledged that the incompatibility of the material caused the rejection, making the remedy expensive and risky. I soon turned into the decision to drop Biology and fully focused on Physics, particularly the field of material research. As time went by, my dream has evolved into a pursuit. I determined to be a researcher to find a safer, more reliable material for the lens replacement.

I have studied hard to fulfill it. I won a prestigious scholarship to study overseas and accepted it even though the future held no certainty at that time. The only possession and armor to hardship I carried with me to a foreign land was that dream.

My passion for research kept me going. Despite the full academic workload, the high expectation and the competitive environment, I have never let myself been occupied by grades and assessments. Instead, I took part in a nanomaterial research program at the university. Many long hours were spent in the laboratory. Many weekends were forgone. Many white nights were spent writing report and analysis. Life of a researcher is full of scarification but the experience is immeasurably rewarding. How many of my friends have seen the beauty of nanostructures through the microscope, marveling at how they would bring light to somebody one day?

The journey has not yet come to an end, but neither does it stand completely beyond reach. I am one step closer to my dream. I am applying to UIUC.

An ordinary dream. An unordinary dreamer.