Undergraduate / Trying to reach the stars one year into my Journey in the US...should I not? [9]

Giulio, this is a very literary look at your background. It speaks volumes of where you came from, what your experiences are, and how these helped you become the person you are today. The main question though that does not seem to be reflected in your response is, "Do you consider yourself a person whose life is meaningful because of the value that can be found in the failures and successes that have manifested in your life?" The paper you wrote is full of analysis, but lacks the deep reflection that comes with the realization. The paper is not about Italy and how you plan to change things there. The question is "Are you a complete, happy, and hopeful person because of these events? Did you find a meaning or a reason to consider your life fulfilled because of the experiences? " Show the reviewer that you found a positive meaning to your life amidst all the negatives.

The essay is not about your indoctrination as an Italian, it is about your personal analysis of what made you happy and satisfied with the life you were leading amidst the turmoil in your country or the infighting in your family. Your family. That is it. Aim a little lower. Don't speak of Italy in general as it affects you. Talk about your family instead.

It is easier to find meaning in your life when you look at your immediate environment. It is easier to find happiness among these group of people who complete your circle of life. Don't aim for an overall analysis of your country, just find happiness in your immediate life and reflect it in your essay. You can still keep the part about Italy. You can mention some problems Italy has towards the end of your essay, but just say something about how your family will always be happy, or you will always find happiness regardless of how the problems in Italy increase.

Just try to simplify the representation of the essay. Don't take on the whole country. Focus on yourself in relation to the quotation instead.

Undergraduate / Searching for an university that would complement and complete my personality: precise but sharp [13]

Think of the major that you are applying to. What inclined you to opt for that major? I want you to think of academic interests. Which subjects act as a sort of a relaxant for you when you are studying it? Explain that sense of calm that overcomes you while studying those books. Then explain how you would want to expand that sense of calm into a sense of belonging by studying the topic more in-depth with other students belonging to the same major at Syracuse.

From this point, explain how you came to choose Syracuse based mostly upon your realization that like minded people can easily find an accepting home at the university. Talk about how a person in particular from the field of business, a graduate of the school (use Google Search t get a comprehensive list) inspired you to call Syracuse your home for the next 4 years. They did say you could opt to discuss a person or a reason that influenced you to apply at the university. My advice is to use both to show a balance of the way you came to your decision.

Undergraduate / Cornell CAS essay - seemingly-divergent TV shows and interdepartmental learning [8]

Li, in all honesty, you must remove the reference to the television shows and Jon Stewart. There is no sense in including an explanation regarding those shows because they are not focused on the interdepartmental learning that will occur for you at Cornell. Your essay actually explains how this will be happening for you without that distraction. The inclusion of the television shows make your response trivial. Almost as if you are not taking the application seriously because you are opting to not focus on how Cornell will provide the right environment for you to learn about these 3 courses that excite you the most. Focus your response.

Respond only within the context provided to you by the prompt. Do not deviate from it, no matter how excited you are about those television shows. They do not relate in content to Cornell and the learning experience it offers. You are mistaken if you believe that it is important for you to create such a connection. Cornell just wants to hear about the 3 subjects you are interested in and the direct connection with the Cornell learning environment. You have shown a familiarity with the Cornell programs specifically. That is what is most important here. The television shows are not important at all.

However, if you insist on keeping the television shows reference because of a sense that it is of the utmost importance to a Cornell learning environment based discussion, then so be it. I can only guide you towards what the reviewer is sure to consider in your responses. In the end, this is still your paper so it is your voice, opinion, and approach to the discussion that makes you feel comfortable that matters the most.

I look forward to your next version of the paper which hopefully, will focus more on Cornell and (hopefully) lose the reference to the television shows that do not really relate to the Cornell experience.

Scholarship / "Hard work and God will never betray you" has been my personal values since I was a child. NTU essay [16]

You can use the second essay instead of the first one. You will need to do some proof reading and spell checking before you submit this essay though. By the way, you still haven't removed the reference to the scholarship in the last paragraph. Why is that? I requested that you remove that portion because it is irrelevant to the prompt requirement. Don't discuss the scholarship in an essay that has a specific prompt requirement that does not include any discussion of the scholarship. That is not going to be appreciated by the reviewer because you are changing the topic and the focus of your essay at the last minute. Which in turn, changes the concentration or considerations of the reviewer regarding your work. It goes from responding properly to the prompt to failing to properly address the requirement in a matter of a few sentences. Don't risk being removed from consideration for admission just because of a single out of place topic discussion. Remove the part about the scholarship and make sure that only the parts of the essay that need to be capitalized are actually capitalized. Proof reading and spell checking are highly important to your paper at this point.

Undergraduate / Searching for an university that would complement and complete my personality: precise but sharp [13]

The thing is, your application makes it sound like you are looking for social acceptance and a home rather than an academic institution aimed at helping you develop those aspects of your personality for your future life as a graduate. What your essay needs to present more of is an academic inclination to enroll at Syracuse. The mention of specific classes, professors, and training programs that directly tie in with your personal interests and professional ambitions should work well in representing that aspect of your application.

Since you already focused on your personal dilemma in a previous prompt discussion, it is not important to repeat the discussion as you did in this essay. Instead, you should focus on the development of your academic side in relation to what Syracuse has to offer you. This will entail a bit more than just a simple internet search of the website at this point.

If you can actually visit the university in order to get an actual, personal feel of the university and its course presentations along with an immersion into the community, then your response will have the in-depth sense of connection with your academic desires and ambitions. Right now the essay seems very superficial in content. It doesn't really deliver the necessary information as the prompt requires because of your focus on your personal travails. Adjust the focus towards the academic compatibility in order to better represent your reasons for choosing Syracuse.

Scholarship / Public health management in Karachi and in Pakistan overall, spread of dangerous diseases [5]

You can opt to remove paragraphs 1 & 2 from the essay in order to cut down on length. That is the part of the essay that I told you is too broad in coverage and as such, makes the focus of your essay really scattered in presentation. In my opinion The fact that you are discussing such a broad problem as government decentralization, shows that you have not given ample thought to the best way that you can tackle a singular problem. A problem that you can actually solve based upon your position in the local government. However, the current last paragraph in the essay is not really complete in thought development. In your last sentence, you need to properly close the discussion by indicating that the municipal government needs to place an effective local government that is not cash strapped through the implementation of a specific program that will help regulate and allot expenses to the important areas such as local public health.

Undergraduate / Trying to reach the stars one year into my Journey in the US...should I not? [9]

Tada! That is where you should take your cue from. The Addams Family knew how to find joy and happiness in their darkest hours. Remember when Fester was trying to steal their wealth in the first movie or when Fester married the Black Widow in the second movie? Somehow, the family found a way to move on in their own "positive" way during what we would call their "darkest hours". So why don't you try to do something like that? Find the humor in the negativity and use it to show a fulfilled life. Think "glass is half full" like I previously said. Like, "So the Euro was fast losing value, I found work as a tourist guide and made lots of Euro's off the tips." Or something like that. I know my humor isn't that good, I just wanted to give you an idea of how you might be able to approach the essay in a different manner. Hahaha! I hope it worked!

Writing Feedback / Corporations should focus on taking people who are innovative and able to work self-contained [3]

Wily, in terms of task accuracy, there is a bit of a confusion in the way that you paraphrased the original prompt so the key points that should have been addressed isn't really properly nor fully represented in the opening statement. This may garner you a score no higher than 5 in an actual setting. The cohesiveness and coherence of your essay suffers in terms of logical presentation that leaves the reader somewhat confused once he finishes reading your essay. I believe that this problem will result in score of 4 or lower. Your cohesive devices could have been better used to help in this section of your essay. Lexical Resource leaves me scoring you a 4 as well because you failed to design the use of your words in the proper context of your sentence / thought process. Finally, in terms of grammar range and accuracy, I am sure, that because of the way I have been scoring this essay, you will not be surprised to know that the best score I can give you for this piece of writing is a 3. Most of your paragraphs are very poorly developed and leaves the reader highly stressed in terms of trying to sort out what you are trying to say. The message is lost because of the lack of proper sentence development, punctuation use, and vocabulary choices. Overall, you could have done better with this essay. I hope you take note of the problems with this test and apply some changes to your future written work. I am convinced that you have the ability to improve. All you need is practice. So don't give up. Sooner or later, you will be ready for the test.

Undergraduate / Trying to reach the stars one year into my Journey in the US...should I not? [9]

Not bad, If there is one thing that shines through in your personal essay, it is the fact that you are filled with the hope for a better life for yourself in the United States. the mere fact that you went through all of these preparations in Italy just so you could prepare for a chance (that could never have come) to go to the U.S. shows that you are the kind of person who does not lose hope. A kind of "glass is half full" kind of person who could be an asset to any student campus. The personality you depicted here was strong, helpful, and determined. The kind of personality that I would consider an asset to my student community if I were the reviewer going over your application.

I wish I had seen more of this personality in your previous essay. It would have helped to create a more fulfilled sense of your life based upon your life experiences in Italy. Is it too late to revise the other essay? Here's hoping there is still time for you to make the necessary positive adjustments to it.

Writing Feedback / Thesis for essay on Japanese internment versus the Holocaust? [4]

Hi Lily, I think the problem is that there is not enough of a backstory when it comes to the presentation of your thesis statement. It has to be more reflective of the information that you wish to portray to the reader and ask them to keep an open mind regarding the topics. Acknowledge the atrocities of war right off the bat and do not give any reason for the way the prisoners were treated. Acknowledge the camps as being living cemeteries, which is what these were. I would probably phrase the thesis statement as follows:

The atrocities of the world wars fought on two fronts, in Asia and in Europe, during World War II will always be a part of one of the darkest times in the history of man. The Nazi Germans had their interment camps where the Jews were expected to live out their lives until they died, unless they were killed by their captors. While the Japanese were held in interment camps in America, even though they had nothing to do with the war simply because Americans at the time, did not know if the Japanese Americans were sympathizers to the Japanese cause of "Asia for the Asians" and cause destruction to America from within. Two captors. Two interment camps. Two highly different treatments for the Prisoners of War. Based upon the novels "Weedflower" by Cynthia Kadohata and Night by Elie Wiesel, my paper will concentrate on the two types of humane conditions existing in these two interment camps. One held by ruthless Nazi captors, and the other, run by Americans who just wanted to keep their country safe from internal attacks. Why were the treatments so different? Why did America try to whitewash the existence of Japanese interment camps in the country by highlighting the Nazi camps? How does history treat both events and what modern mindset has arisen from the effects of these moments in world history?

As you can see, if you properly word the thesis statement to be less provocative, It should pass the consideration of your teacher. Try to pattern your thesis statement after what I have written. Then have it considered by the teacher. Don't pass it through your friends, they are not the authorities on the matter. It is your teacher who has final approval so go directly to the source for approval or disapproval. Then you can work from there.

Writing Feedback / Thesis for essay on Japanese internment versus the Holocaust? [4]

Lily, I do not find anything offensive about doing a comparison of the holocaust camps as opposed to the Japanese interment camps. These are two historical locations that have a tremendous amount of backstory behind it. I believe that you should write about the comparison of the differing treatment of the two camps with regards to their prisoners. Sometimes, it is not the topic of the thesis that is offensive but the way that the thesis was presented. Can you share the original thesis with me here? I would like to read it so I can deduce if the offensiveness was only in the way that you presented the idea behind the topic. Your friends may have a different concept of the thesis when compared to that of a reviewer or your professor. It will be best to get a second and third opinion on your thesis before you decide to totally change your highly interesting discussion topic. I can offer my opinion of your thesis statement and help you reword to sound less sensitive if necessary. Then you can present it to your teacher for final approval. I am sure he will be more open minded about the topic than your peers were.

Undergraduate / Trying to reach the stars one year into my Journey in the US...should I not? [9]

The first question you should ask yourself is , as a reviewer, "Would I consider a student for admission if he has nothing positive to share about his background? Do I want to risk exposing my student community to someone who has been so negatively influenced by his home culture that he felt the need to run away from it?" if you answer "no" to any of the questions then you can see why your essay will fail to help your admission to the university. While everyone knows that the European Union is currently under fire in general and that Italy has its problems, the country itself is not bad. Some people make the country bad.

What do you hope to gain by bad-mouthing your mother country in your application? Keep in mind that the essay prompt is asking for a hopeful tone to come from the applicant. Are you trying to make me believe that these negatives are the reason why you have led a full life living as an Italian either in Italy or in the United States? I didn't think so. A full life is based upon positives that can be found even in the most negative of situations. You don't seem to have found that for yourself so far.

Don't write about negatives in an essay that asks you to write about hope in life based upon the life experiences that your mother culture has taught you about. Your essay currently has such a negative tone that it is almost not worth considering as part of your application. If I were the reviewer, I would not be enticed to consider you a good candidate for my university because you have too much negative baggage with you. It seems that your culture did not fill your life in a positive manner and that is a sad thing to realize for any applicant to college.

Research Papers / ENGLISH 102 RESEARCH PAPER ROUGH DRAFT (Will Our Roads be Safe With Legal Weed?) [2]

Hi Ally, try not to present an actual information as part of your thesis statement. This paragraph is supposed to be meant as an overview presentation of the topics for discussion within your research paper. Therefore, you are encouraged to present more abstract ideas in this part and none of the information. That information should be placed somewhere in the body of the paragraph instead. The thesis statement, is good only for posing questions and relaying the opinion you may have regarding the topic which you will be discussing in greater detail within the paper. So for the introduction part, take out the in-text citation that you currently have.

Your second paragraph contains so much information that you can actually split it into 2 paragraphs if you wish. 3 if you are creative enough. One question though, were the study results that you mentioned done on rats or humans? Since you said most experiments are done on rats but that humans are also being tested already, it would be best if your clarified the basis of the results as either being of the rodent or human kind.

As far as the first 2 paragraphs are concerned, you are on the right track towards creating a strong discussion regarding road safety based on Marijuana use of the drivers. Keep it up. I hope to read more of the essay in the coming days. I am sure it will be worth editing on both our parts.

Graduate / Why you are a strong candidate for the Western MFE program? [2]

Jingyue, you have to consider that you are applying for a masters degree program. Therefore, you should not be placing so much weight on your theoretical knowledge at this point. Masters students are normally professionals who have actual work experience to back up their masters school applications. Do you have any actual work experience beyond internships wherein you displayed actual abilities and talents that can help you succeed in this program?

While you presented a good summary of your academic expertise, I am worried that you do not have enough hands on work experience to support your claims. In the eyes of a reviewer, it is not enough for you to summarize what you think your strengths are, you have to show how these strengths function for you in a real world setting. Aside from that, there is no justification in your essay as to how you hope the strengths you have can help you during and after the program.

You have to think about presenting your strengths in terms of the curriculum options of the school. Will you be a full time student or a course based student? Select the type of student that you will be and make sure to present your strengths based upon the expectations of the specific study direction you will be enrolling in. Think about the summer internship that the program offers. What skills do you have which will tell the reviewer that you will be able to complete the 1.4 year course within the allotted time and that you will pass the internship without any problems? Those are the considerations you should have when discussing the strength of your skills in relation to your masters degree candidacy.

Scholarship / "Hard work and God will never betray you" has been my personal values since I was a child. NTU essay [16]

Fiona, are you transliterating from your mother tongue when you say that "Hard work and God will never betray"? The reason I ask is because the phrase does not make any sense in English. Betray what? The referral to a subject in the phrase is missing. So it doesn't really help the reviewer to read this hanging phrase. I suggest that you try to find a more complete way of stating what it is that you want to say. Even if it runs a bit long and eats some of the major word count. It is important that everything you say in the statement makes sense to the reader otherwise, what you wrote will not be considered in the end.

Your final paragraph that pleads for you to be awarded the scholarship is out of place. There is no need for you to do that. Your application will be considered fairly on its merits along with the other applicants. Instead of that paragraph, try to close the statement on a stronger note exemplifying your values and beliefs. Try to think of a time when you combined both values and had to work on presenting it to people. Then tell the reviewer about it so that it can be considered along with your (hopefully improved) first paragraph.

Writing Feedback / In this modern society, the more languages you can speak, the more competitive you are [3]

Arlen, what made you think that the discussion being provided by the prompt asked you to consider the age rather than the school grade of the student who is going to learn how to speak a foreign language? Why is your essay concentrated on discussing the proper "age" of the child to learn the language? You make it sound like the language learning is an option for parents outside of the regular schooling of a child. That is not the point of the prompt. The discussion that the prompt wanted you to provide was a discussion as to the pros and cons of having a child learn how to speak a foreign language in either primary or secondary school. Which of the two school levels would have been most beneficial to a student who has to learn a foreign language? It is the level of schooling that should have been discussed in terms of the existing abilities of the student to learn.

It is understood that the child will get additional language training in school, within the aforementioned learning levels. So why are you concentrated on the age of the child instead? All of the discussions that you presented do not take into account the prompt provided information which should have been reflected in your essay. Based upon this serious misunderstanding of the prompt requirements on your part, I regret to say that I do not believe you can score higher than a 2 on task accuracy. Scoring a 2 will mean that the overall components of the scoring criteria will also fail because you did not properly represent the prompt requirements in your discussion.

Undergraduate / Cornell CAS essay - seemingly-divergent TV shows and interdepartmental learning [8]

Li, after carefully reviewing your essay in reference to the prompt that you provided, I have come to the conclusion that the reference to the television shows, although interesting in approach, is not really a necessary part of the prompt requirements. In fact, it is not needed at all because the shows do now directly relate to the two or three current intellectual interests that you plan to pursue at Cornell. The central concentration of your response should have been on the method by which you will develop your interests while at Cornell.

I can see why you are excited by these courses even without the reference to the television programs. In essays that require academic formality, such as the one that this prompt provides, you need not add information about programs or totally unrelated information in the hopes of creating a mark in the mind of the reviewer. In fact, by referring to the programs in your opening statement, it almost felt like you were addressing a different prompt altogether.

As such, in the eyes of a reviewer, he would most likely not continue reading your essay because he will be convinced that you either did not understand the prompt requirement or you attached a response meant for a different prompt. So he isn't going to finish reading this paper then your response will have inadvertently negatively affected your application essay.

I suggest that you revise the paper to focus more on simply providing the necessary information and explanations so that you do not not waste the time of the reviewer nor misdirect him into thinking that you are offering the wrong response to the prompt provided.

Undergraduate / 'the biggest leap of my life' - Fashion Institute of Technology / Fashion Business Management essay [4]

Maya, you have numerous references in the essay to "young age". Please do yourself a favor and do not mention any age at all. Not even "at the age of 16." Keep it vague, Make generic references to age but do not make direct references to it. Refer to your mindset, your understanding, your eye opening moment, just don't tell the reviewer what age you were at the time. Age references do not help your essay. So keeping it vague in that department always works best.

In the first paragraph, there is a confusing statement. When you say, "Growing up, my mom..." do you mean this happened to your mom as she was growing up or do you mean it happened to you when you were growing up? I think you should instead say "I remember my mom..." that way you make it clear that you are discussing your mother's experience instead of yours.

The main problem that I see with your statement is that you are not making a direct connection between your interest in business, business fashion management, and FIT. In order to inform the reviewer as to why you would make a good candidate for the school, you need to show that you have actual experience in business and in fashion either collectively or separately. It seems to me though that your experience is all in fashion while your mother's experience is in business. She merely influenced your interest in the business side of fashion. So that is a shortcoming on your part that you should address.

It can be addressed by making reference to perhaps you selling your second hand clothes as a bazaar, or some other similar fashion-business related endeavor that you might have had while trying to discover the field of fashion that you eventually came to decide upon for yourself. Maybe you have something in your background that can be passed off as a relevant experience. Think about it before you revise your essay. You need to represent both the business and fashion side in order to make the response work in line with the prompt.

Graduate / "I cried as the sea waves washed away my sand castle. 21 years later, an architect admired the sea!" [7]

Chanchal, your personal history is more of a an autobiography instead of a simple statement about how your interest in architecture developed. Remove paragraphs 2 and 3 because these are the thoughts of a 10 year old child which will not be believable to the reviewer. That sort of mindset would be best represented in a 15 year old. So its removal will help to shorten the length of your essay. It will also lessen the irrelevant content of your statement. Remove the references to academics. That should be saved for a more definitive prompt. That is not part of the personal experience. The internship helped to build your interest so you can retain that portion. The last paragraph of the personal portion is also relevant and should remain.

For the second part, I do not understand why you wrote something so extensive when the purpose for your application could have been much shorter. Just make sure to represent the reason why you feel the need to pursue higher studies and where you hope the higher studies can take your career in the future.

Revise the essay using the above suggestions and you should have an essay that will fit on a page and a half. It should also flow more smoothly and allow for a proper transition between the two topics. Make sure that you have a transition paragraph from the first part going into the second so that the reader will know exactly when the topic will change in terms of discussion.

Graduate / My essay on leadership experience, Duke Master of Management Studies 2017 [3]

HI Olivia, thank you for your kind words about the work that we do here at the forum. Don't be afraid to ask for help whenever you need it. Everyone is family here and will always be willing to lend a helping hand whenever possible. I hope that I can be of help to you in improving your current essay. I would like to focus on the main topic that you decided to present for the discussion. Unfortunately, I do not believe that it is the correct incident to share with the reviewer.

As a business management MS student, you will have been expected to have some work or civic related experiences in terms of building the finances of either a business or a community related to work or your place of residence. You should have had some leadership experience that can show the reviewer that you have already used what you learned from your college degree to a certain extent in the real world. It would be best for your essay if you can present some sort of successful fund raising activity or some community service that helped to improve the lives of the people concerned, regardless of the degree of change you were able to effect. a positive change, is a positive change, no matter how small it is.

In this case, you focused on a specific person, the act of that person, and the outcome of what happened on a person. It does not show your leadership skills in a method that tells the reviewer that you are someone who has the acumen to survive masters studies in management.

You only discussed with parents in order to get the student to return the wallet of the person it was stolen from. In order to properly show you skills off in this essay, we need to present information about something more serious that had you negotiating with different sorts of personalities and representing different interests. After all, that is what business management is all about.

Right now, you have not presented any information that can relate to something usable during your time as a student at the university. So I suggest that you try to find a more relevant experience to share, one that can easily translate into an internship program you are looking forward to participating in or an idea as to how you are well trained to handle some more extensive demands of the course of study.

Undergraduate / Searching for an university that would complement and complete my personality: precise but sharp [13]

What is the topic that your supplemental essay wishes to have you represent? Does it have something to do with "Why Syracuse?" Is that the actual prompt you are trying to respond to? Would you care to share what the topic for the supplemental prompt is for a better review of your essay? I think you should tell us what exactly we should be reviewing so that we can better direct your essay towards a relevant response.

As of now, the essay doesn't really deliver any information that can be used by the reviewer in terms of trying to figure out your mindset and what reasons, both academic and social, that led you to this decision. You are basing the essay response on a website search. Was it not possible for you to visit the university so that you can base your response on a personal experience rather than the thoughts and impressions of other people, specifically those who were paid to market the university via the website?

Reflect on your academic pursuits. Talk about the living experience. What criteria did you actually have when you were choosing universities? Tell the reviewer more about your personal criteria and then relate it to how Syracuse fell into the mold you had created. Right now it sounds like you are trying to fit into the mold of the university instead.

Undergraduate / Cornell CAS essay - seemingly-divergent TV shows and interdepartmental learning [8]

Li, in order to properly analyze the content of your essay, I need to have a copy of the exact prompt that you are responding to. The essay that you have developed seems to be highly informative and does not leave any stone unturned when it comes to the discussion of what you learned from the shows. It is obvious that you have learned valuable lessons from the shows individually and collectively. The way that you relate the shows to your academic life is admirable. Yet somehow, I cannot be sure that all of these information will be enough to satisfy the expectations of the reviewer.

The question is if your written work is relevant to the prompt instructions and if the essay can be shortened in order to better represent your response to the prompt in the eyes of the reviewer? You might need to revise the content of your essay to better integrate the relevance of the shows with the academic specific requirements of the prompt. Again, it will be best to provide a copy of the full prompt so that a better assessment of your work can be conducted.

Undergraduate / This university has dedicated itself to "nurturing honest, eager, and critical minds" I can offer it [5]

Lyndsay, try to avoid mentioning quotes from the university objectives or website. It is already understood that you will be doing your best to embody these traits. The reviewer already knows about these information so there is no need to repeat it. What is important is that you show the reviewer how you plan to take advantage of the opportunities at the university, sans the quotes. Those are just word fillers meant to meet a particular word count. It is not really necessary to the essay and does not increase the notability of your content as focused on your personal sharing in the essay.

The concluding statement that you have is strong but weakened by the reference to the quote once again. The strongest point that your concluding paragraph can close on will be the part that says "...not gone unnoticed or undervalued." Adjust the sentence to simply reflect this as being your personal belief and philosophy for your time to be spent as a student at the university.

Undergraduate / Aptly described by a friend as "tenacious", my determination and dogged devotion to any task [3]

Lyndsay, I have to say that you have written a very humorous essay here. Your depiction of yourself as a cute, cuddly dog will come across almost visually to any dog lover and will definitely help your essay be considered on a serious, yet enjoyable note. A word of advice though. Skip the long opening description about the dog. Just open immediately with your statement comparing yourself to the dog instead. After all, the focus of the essay should be on you and the comparison. Using the current opening statement focuses the essay on the dog instead. That we do not want the reader to do.

The focus on the dog is also the same problem that your closing statement has. Try to reword that portion in order to better focus on your actions, as you would see on a dog. Don't explain the dog actions and then leave your personal connection for the last sentences of the essay. Focus on your actions instead, the mention of the dog similarity should be the one mentioned in the last 2 sentences of that paragraph, if it is necessary at all to do so.

Scholarship / Public health management in Karachi and in Pakistan overall, spread of dangerous diseases [5]

Nazia, your response is too wide in coverage. You have tried to present a multitude of problems related to the governance of your country, making you seem like you are trying to take on the establishment when what you should be doing, is looking for smaller battles to fight and win. The focus of your essay needs to be tweaked to instead reflect, the municipal problems that you are dealing with in your capacity as a municipal administrator. Why should you focus on that? Simply put, the focus should be on the problems that you can directly effect solutions to and handle in terms of preventive measures in the future.

Right now, you have an over complicated discussion that does not really focus in a single problem for presentation and discussion. Pick the best problem to represent your abilities as a municipal officer and then discuss those points alone. Your essay will become shorter but more informative and relevant to the prompt requirements in the process.

Essays / I need to build a personal statement for a foreign Master scholarship [6]

In the second paragraph, you need not mention that you graduated from a Nigerian university. Instead, you should be presenting work related experience as the reason behind your wish to pursue higher studies. It is useless to pursue higher studies of this caliber if you do not have the work experience to support it. What were the problems that you saw while working in the field? What is the specific problem you wish to address by completing these studies?

Like I said, question 2 and 3 are related so the response should be supportive of each other. In this case, removing the reference to the university college studies will help strengthen the essay. The reviewer knows where you studied anyway, that was one of the documents that you submitted with the application. You should just say that "I wish to pursue...". That is more concise and focused on the presentation of necessary information. It effectively combines and introduces the related discussions of paragraphs 2 & 3.

Dissertations / Image Mining research - Detection n Diagnosis of plant disease. Help Me regarding my thesis in CBIR [2]

Roshni, it sounds like you should be consulting with your dissertation adviser instead of consulting with us here. Your work is quite specific and the research is highly intricate. Can I just ask you, what was the dissertation question that you posed when you applied for admission to the university? Can you double check your statement of purpose and review what you wrote in the statement regarding the type of dissertation that you wished to work on?

Usually, the statement of purpose contains a summary of the question and accompanying research that you would want to pursue in graduate school. Reviewing what you wrote then could probably help you develop a better presentation for your dissertation. You can either use it as inspiration for your continued research or totally point you in a new direction for your research.

Once you get your information together from your application essay, you should be able to seek the help of your adviser regarding the best way to approach your paper. It all boils down to what you want to accomplish with your paper based upon the amount of time you have remaining to complete your research and other pertinent materials for the completion of your dissertation.

Essays / How is architecture really helping in building trans-national(border) anti-terrorism? [2]

Chanchal, if you really want to be able to reference the development of anti-terrorism buildings, I suggest that you look into the architectural history of the Chinese castles and forts. Fortresses such as the Imperial Palace and the Great Wall of China were billed at the time as impenetrable. The height of the Great Wall and its positions made it impossible to attack due to the sheer thickness and width of the wall. the fact that nobody was located on the street level of the wall meant that attacking from the bottom would be useless. As far as attacking from the air, the watch towers made the defending flaming arrows fly even before the other side could mount a successful attack using catapults.

In order to properly develop your response, you will need to look into the history of defending structures that have been built since the time of the ancient Romans, Egyptians, and Chinese warriors. You can't go wrong looking into those foundations. Then, reference the World War 2 megastructures that the Nazis build in order to defend Germany and its occupied territories from the Allied Forces air, land, and sea attacks. Most of their architectures still stand today as a testament to the defensive architecture of the past. Since terrorism is considered a modern form of war, then studying historical builds during wartime should be able to help you address the issues you wish to present, represent, or provide responses to in your research paper.

Undergraduate / In your opinion, what are the five characteristics of a successful person? Supplementary essay. [8]

I suggest that you analyze yourself for the 5 successful character traits that the essay is requiring you to present as a response. Look back on your own leadership skills, successes in life, and other aspects of your person that have helped you earn the admiration of others. Which of you 5 character traits would you classify as helping you become "successful" to a certain extent in your life?

You have a pretty solid opening sentence in this version of your essay so I suggest that you keep that part. As for the rest, you have a redundancy of traits when it comes to the daredevil and and all rounder character who excels in every platform. That is a similar description for almost the same character so you will have to change one of the two.

Try to just revise the content that you have now by making them essay format instead of poetic lines in presentation. I already made my suggestions as to how you can revise your current work in order to create the essay format in my previous response. All you have to do is try to follow the instructions to create a 250 word essay for yourself.

Undergraduate / Describe a religious, cultural, or family tradition you can share with the Colgate community. [11]

You can do that Shushant. Just make sure that you give a complete overview of the whole ritual first. That way the reviewer will know that you will be taking a shortcut in the presentation by only concentrating on the appreciable facts for your essay. Let him know that all the Nepalese rituals take days on end to complete and you would like to share the whole festival if you could but it would be impossible to mount the same scale of a ritual at Colgate University.

Remember to pay particular attention to any activities that the student community might be interested in participating in. Parts like the lighting up of patios using lanterns might be of interest to the dorms and frat houses on campus. Or the day when the dog is honored. Americans are mostly crazy about their pets, specially dogs so any reason to honor them may be something the campus authorities might be interested in supporting. Don't forget the Bhai Tika, I think that the ritual will help to promote sibling type of love, understanding, and care among the students. Adjust your presentation as necessary.

Undergraduate / In your opinion, what are the five characteristics of a successful person? Supplementary essay. [8]

Sushant, let's try to not wax poetic in your response. It should still be in essay form and must be more informative than just telling the reviewer about the characteristics of a successful person that you feel you embody. Your presentation should follow a narrative style that allows the reviewer to follow the development of these successful person traits within you . That way you not only tell the reviewer about the character traits, but you also justify your choices based upon your successful embodiment of the traits.

You can actually present a 5-6 paragraph essay for this response. Each trait deserves to have a stand alone paragraph that discusses the trait then provides a concrete example of how you embody it. Develop your explanation beyond the current overview that you present in this poetry style presentation that you currently have. This does not really present the character trait and justification in a strong and believable manner for the reviewer to consider.

So develop the response in an essay style, use one paragraph per trait, add an explanation of why you believe that it is important for a successful person to have that trait based upon your expanded personal example. Using those steps, you should be able to create a strong foundation and consideration for your overall response.

Undergraduate / Describe a religious, cultural, or family tradition you can share with the Colgate community. [11]

My apologies Sushant for not being familiar with the Nepalese traditions. I am only learning about these traditions from you as we try to develop your essay. However, you have given me an idea as to how you can best respond to this prompt. I would like to make the following suggestion that just might resolve the problem of complexity that your traditions and rituals have.

Start the essay with an overview of the meaning of the festival. Just explain what it is about. Then say something like this:

Due to the complexity of the ritual involved, I don't believe that I can share everything about the performance of the ritual for the Colgate community. However, I can share the highlights of the festival which, if necessary, can be replicated on a smaller scale for the enjoyment of the student community. Highlights such as the ....

From that point, choose one of the simpler highlights from each day, explain its relevance to the festival then explain that it is simple enough to introduce the culture and festival to the community. You can either choose only one highlight as an example or one from every day of the ritual, with an explanation that it can be celebrated at Colgate in a single commemorative day if need be. My vote would be to just choose one easy to mount part of the festival, just so it can be celebrated by the whole community. Most likely, it is the food celebration that will be best appreciated by the student body.

Undergraduate / Describe a religious, cultural, or family tradition you can share with the Colgate community. [11]

Sushant, how do you expect to share this tradition with the Colgate community? Think of the bigger picture when you try to develop the tradition that you wish to share with the students of the university. As you explain the importance of the ritual or tradition, you should also make reference as to how the university can modify the activity in order to allow for the fullest participation of the student community.

Think of it in terms of Christmas caroling in the United States. This is a holiday tradition that requires the participation of almost all the members of the community who wish to take part in it. They get together as a group and go from house to house or dorm to dorm while singing songs that help to celebrate the season. Everyone who participates enjoys themselves, gets to know one another, and learns about certain beliefs of their other classmates and friends through the bonding process.

That is the kind of ritual that you should aim to share with the university. It has to be something that can translate to your college activity profile if necessary. It has to allow the full participation of the other students at Colgate, teach them something simple about your culture, and allow them to gain a sense of what it is like to be part of the ritual because it can be done on a smaller scale at the university during certain events or days.

Undergraduate / Extracurricular essay- can someone help me correct or improve it [8]

Vinesh, your statement is too broad in concept and does not fully focus on one aspect of the extra curricular activity which will present the relevance of your participation in the organization. Let's see if we can fix this for you. Try to write the statement in the following manner:

As a high school participant in MOVE Volunteer Mauritius, I helped in community outreach programs. One of the projects that I assisted in was LAMHAA. This program was aimed at taking children on the island out of gangs through the influence of sports. From the start of the program to the last few days, I have been helping to teach these children how to play soccer. Each day that I kick the ball around with them, I am reminded of how they are learning how to hope for a better future through sports. I constantly work to inspire them so that they will strive to improve their lives instead of leading dead end lives as gang members. MOVE is more than just a extra curricular activity for me at this point. It is a vocation that I hope to continue doing while I am in college.

Do you see how you can make the response as short as 146 words and and still manage to offer a complete thought process? There is no aspect of importance that was left out of the expanded explanation of your extra curricular activities. More importantly, the statement issued a confidence that you will be looking forward to being able to continue doing the same activity or interest as a college student. That is how this response prompt should be approached.

Research Papers / The debate on making Marijuana legal - the fight has begun [3]

Angela, you need to fix the presentation of your thesis statement / statement of the problem in your first paragraph. It is really going around in circles, saying the same thing about the debate regarding marijuana for about 3 sentences when it can be said in one. Also, you should have presented the debate question alone instead of first presenting information in the opening salvo of your debate paper. So the correct first paragraph should, in my opinion, go something like this:

In today's world, the debate... Legalizing marijuana has ... Why is this increase happening? ... using recreationally? There is a large debate g...when considering legalization.

That is the simple opening statement that will immediate present the overview and thesis discussion for your debate paper. Both sides are properly represented and the questions that you hope your paper will provide a response to is also shown as a part of the flow of the succeeding discussions in your paper. Remember to present your personal opinion at the end of the thesis statement since this is a debate paper and hence, your personal opinion will be an integral part of the discussion.

From that point, you should decide which side to argue for first. Will it be the pro or the con? In my opinion, you should first argue the side that you do not support. That way you can present a weak discussion for it which can easily be beaten by your supporting discussion. Do not forget to present your own personal opinion on this debate topic in the later part of your debate. This should be part of the presentation leading up to your concluding paragraph. Again, your opinion should be separate from your conclusion.

You can still use almost all of the information that you have presented in your paper. Just pick the strongest supporting facts for each side and present it in the discussion. One or two strong evidence for each should be enough to cover the debate topic. How many pages are you being asked to write for this paper? The content and length of your evidence will depend upon the word count requirements of your paper as well.

Undergraduate / My girlfriend. This girl changed me as a person. Penn State Personal Statement [7]

Hai, you have written the wrong response for the prompt. This essay is not about other people and their influence upon you. Rather, this essay is all about depicting something about your sense of self worth, self-motivation, self-inspiration, self- responsibility, or something that you have to do for yourself. Which of the aforementioned self-traits best depicts your ability to somehow succeed in the cut-throat world of academics at Penn State? These people that you wrote about will not be present on campus with you and therefore, are irrelevant to the discussion.

In the previous paragraph, I have mentioned the possible self traits that would best depict a response to the essay. Just pick one of the self traits and develop your essay around that choice. Make sure to highlight the event, incident, experience, or activity that will best represent the type of ability that can help you succeed individually, that means "on your own" while you vie for academic excellence at Penn State. I can't be any more clearer about what the essay wishes you to represent.

Don't think about personal reasons for your success. Think of your academic character. Are you studious? Patient? Observant? Analytical? A heavy reader? Perhaps you are good at organizing clubs and activities? Or you are just a sociable person who reaches out to fellow students who ask for help? Those are some social reasons that you would be able to succeed at Penn State.

Whichever you choose to write about, as long as it comes from the 2 lists I provided above, you should be able to come back and present a more relevant response to the prompt than the essay that you have now. Your current essay is not meant for use with this prompt. This essay is more for an "influential person" prompt. So you can save this essay for future use. You just cannot use it with this prompt at this moment.

Writing Feedback / Opinion Essay (The Athletics Centre in Georgian College) [2]

Aha, your thesis statement needs work. I am not sure what it is you are trying to present in the statement. First you are informing the reader that there is an athletics center at the school. Then you tell the reader that you want to present your opinion about working out 3 times a week. there was no proper statement development or introduction tot he topic that could have prepared the reader for this thesis statement. In order to properly develop the thesis statement, your opening sentence and the supporting sentences need to lead up to the discussion that you wish to present in the final sentence. That is how you develop a thesis with an introductory background, then an appropriate hook for the reader.

The rest of the essay seems to be just following the instructions in order to present the required elements. This means that while the paper may be technically accurate, you were unable to create an interesting research point that would interestingly support your opinion. An opinion which was never actually developed in your essay. Why do you think that it is important that students workout at the athletic center? Why 3 times a week in particular? Aside from being paid for with the tuition fee, what other reasons are there to support your claims? Who is Janice? What is her last name? Give a more detailed description for her work title and explain why we should believe anything she says.

The essay can use further development and information. As of now, I have given you some reviewer points that I am sure your teacher will also bring up. I look forward to hearing your teacher's comments and revising the essay with you based upon her suggestions. Good luck with this submission.

Undergraduate / The sole intention of the education is to equip the students with as much knowledge as possible [5]

Teba, as you can tell from the way that I divided your response, your current essay version is a bit scattered in terms of responsiveness. One thing that you should know about these prompt requirements is that when it is presented to you in a particular format, as in the case of a numbered discussion, the reviewer expects to read the information in the same chronological, but essay format order within your written response.

Therefore, your first paragraph should be comprised of the information that I currently have divided into separate paragraphs for your revision. This time, you should not present that information in separate paragraphs but rather, just combine all of the parts I am suggesting into one full and complete paragraph response.

From there, you should take note of the rest of the questions in the prompt. In a separate word document, post the questions with related answers from your current essay under the correct prompt question. This will help you to collate the correct and necessary information for each prompt requirement. It is important that you do this in order to make sure that you are not going overboard with your response or that you are accidentally not responding to a prompt requirement.

After you have completed the outline, Revise the responses in essay format. Make sure to double check the information and cut down on length whenever necessary or appropriate for the text. By doing these simple edits, your essay should become more focused on the responses and allow you to develop a more concise presentation as well.

Research Papers / "Dead fish", "Vung An", "Formosa", "Chinese steel factory"; Polluted environment in my country essay [2]

Thaomy, is this a draft for a research paper that you are writing? If it is, then you have a lot of work to do in terms of content and presentation. For starters, your opening paragrpah needs to be divided into 2 paragraphs. The first part, should contain only the presentation of the research topic. This will show the reader that there is a point to your paper. The second paragraph, is where that quotation should be located. It is part of the foundation of the research but should never be included in the thesis presentation. Gong from there, you will need to review your current 3rd paragraph. It is extremely long and causes undue stress to the reader because of the difficulty in keeping track of the discussion.

You need to review that paragraph and cut it up into at least 3 paragraphs, dealing with specific discussions. You should never bunch together your discussion and information in a single paragraph. Aside form the difficulty in reading the paper, the eyes of the reader needs to be able to see some spaces in between in order to give it pause or rest. It also allows the brain to better understand the written word and allows for a better analysis of the message you are trying to share with the reader. By the way, in the last sentence of the last paragraph, what exactly do you mean by a "prime opinion"? It is not a term that is easily understood by the average reader. Are you translating the phrase from the original language? You might need to find a more understandable term in English that still relates to the original version of the term.

Research Papers / Night Essay- add or suggest what I should expand upon for in text analysis and other issues. [2]

Steven, I think that the reason your professor indicated a need for more analysis within the text is because the presentation of the information that you used is very mechanical in nature. It is academically accurate and represents the thoughts of the author in a concise and clear manner but ails to represent your understanding the text. In these types of essays, you are expected to do additional research outside of the required reading material in order to enhance your presentation of facts.

It would have helped if you had taken ownership of some thought int he paper by presenting your personal opinion or results of personal research. Such additional information provides a deeper analysis of the required text by adding additional background or opinions regarding the atrocities of the second world war.

By using information solely taken from the preface of the book, it would appear to the reader that you did not really read or go through the book. That is because you should have cited actual mistakes in translation taken from actual passages of the book in order to prove that claim on your part.

Since this paper has already been graded, I am not sure how my comments regarding this work can help you. Maybe you can use some of my advice are reminders for the improvement of your future work. I hope you got a good grade on this paper. You deserve it for a well researched piece of academic writing, regardless of the perceived shortcomings in presentation and content.