Graduate / Motivation Letter for Master Degree admission; could anybody review it and help to make it shorter? [12]

I need feedback for these two essays. I could not decide which one is the most important to mention, and I don't know whether these are good or bad motivation letters as I never wrote any motivation letter before. Besides, I realise that both are very long, I need to cut it but I don't know what parts that need to be shortened. All of the advice would be respected. thanks.

Since I was a child, I have engaged in the family business, despite just helping in simple things such as cashier or shop keeping until I am taking part in strategic decisions like nowadays. Although our family business is only fashion retail stores categorised as Small Medium Enterprises (SME's) and I also do not get any formal certificate for this work, it enormously gives me the actual experiences of business management. When I was in the university to achieve my bachelor degree, I attempted to combine the theories of management at class with the reality of business in my parents' shops as well as I could participate more in giving beneficial opinions to develop this family business. Hence, I have been altering the conventional methods from the management which is mostly about a price war in order to win the competition, into being more focusing on other vital managerial factors that enrich the bargaining value.

The shops are eventually applying new systems which are concerning in the segmentation from mainstream products to specialised goods, improving product assortments to meet more consumer needs, intensifying the product qualities from producers and salesman, undertaking cross pricing for the different products to avoid losing profit from price war, and, the simple yet totally indispensable, setting the convenient shopping experience which is playing music in the shop. These changes markedly influence us to lead the tight competition in the market.

However, at 9th May 2015, Johar Market, a market where my parents' stores located, thoroughly burned down. Either my family or other thousand vendors lost our kiosks in a blaze. In that moment, there were great financial difficulties surging our family business yet we have been able to revive gradually. In contrast, this disaster emerges a large number of economic and social problems in which one of them is the sadness of small vendors neglected as far as they are selling along the curbs in the shanties.

Then, I realised export is the answer for this challenge as traders are able to sell their product in large quantities possibly without having offline stores susceptible to an array of risks. In addition, I have gathered data from the trading agencies of Central Java province presenting the export number (non-oil and gas) between 2011 and 2015 from central java regions was US$4,844,268,594 in average which is only 3.26% from the total of country's export. This is a proof that my regions are very minim in export abilities, and it absolutely still has great opportunities to be uplifted. Obviously, it needs a serious concern from young generation including me to carry out a renewal for the nation's better future. The solution for small business people in long term circumstance is that small local businesses can make some collective groups to create a traditional paradigm shift and to increase their product quality together; afterwards, I can help in socialising the exports requirements and bridge them with many countries interested in their products.

To actualise the big plan supporting micro business people in my environment needs a great deal of knowledge for me in the real international trading conditions. By continuing to achieve my master degree overseas, I am able to learn more details about business management and the mechanism of international trading strategy in the high quality university that will enhance my knowledge useful for my country and particularly my regions to raise the export quantities in non-oil and gas industries as the government blueprint for the future of country's economic growth. Studying in the university which consists of many students from other countries is going to enrich my network in the global world to cooperate in business aiding small business people in my environment to distribute their product to other countries. Moreover, diversity is able to open my mindset and perspective broader in both social and cultural competencies. Cultural diffusion, acculturation, and assimilation generate more creativity and I want to be the part of world development.

After I have been graduated from master degree with my understanding of global business mechanism, I still stick to my vision to invite more small enterprises to develop their business and to have a role in the global market since the world is wide open for everyone as well as every person has plenty chances to take part in globalisation. For the public welfare, I am ready to face every distress in my life.

Or this version,

The answer for a problem is not always about solution, yet it is actually about our awareness to the main causes we are about to face. There is nothing named solution if we are unlikely conscious towards the matter occurred and trying to understand the detail inside of the problem.

Since I was a child, I have engaged in the family business, despite just helping in simple things such as cashier or shop keeping until I am taking part in strategic decisions like nowadays. Although our family business is only fashion retail stores categorised as Small Medium Enterprises (SME's) and I also do not get any formal certificate for this work, it enormously gives me the actual experiences of business management.

When I was pursuing my bachelor degree with all of the tense in study time and organisational activities, I attempted to combine the theories of management in my class with the reality of business in my parents' shops as well as I could participate more in giving beneficial opinions to develop this family business. Hence, I have been altering the conventional methods from the management which is mostly about a price war in order to win the competition, into being more focusing on other vital managerial factors that enrich the bargaining value. These changes markedly influence us to lead the tight competition in the market.

However, at 9th May 2015, Johar Market, a market where my parents' stores located, thoroughly burned down. Either my family or other thousand vendors lost our kiosks in a blaze. In that moment, there were great financial difficulties surging our family business, but we have been able to revive gradually. In contrast, this disaster emerges a large number of economic and social problems in which one of them is the sadness of small vendors neglected as far as they are selling along the curbs in the shanties.

Then, I realised export is the answer for this challenge as traders are able to sell their product in large quantities possibly without having offline stores susceptible to an array of risks. In addition, I have gathered data from the trading agencies of Central Java province presenting the export number (non-oil and gas) between 2011 and 2015 from central java regions was US$4,844,268,594 in average which is only 3.26% from the total of country's export. This is a proof that my regions are very minim in export abilities, and, on the other hand, it absolutely still has great opportunities to be uplifted.

To support micro business in my environment needs a great deal of knowledge for me in the real international trading conditions. By continuing to achieve my master degree overseas, I am able to learn more details about business management and the mechanism of international trading strategy in the high quality university that will enhance my knowledge useful for my country and particularly my regions to raise the export quantities in non-oil and gas industries as the government blueprint for the future of country's economic growth. Studying in the university which consists of many students from other countries is going to enrich my network in the global world to cooperate in business aiding small business people in my environment to distribute their product to other countries. Moreover, diversity is able to open my mindset and perspective broader in both social and cultural competencies. Cultural diffusion, acculturation, and assimilation generate more creativity and I want to be the part of world development.

After I have been graduated from master degree with my understanding of global business mechanism, I still stick to my vision to invite more small enterprises to develop their business and to have a role in the global market since the world is wide open for everyone as well as every person has plenty chances to take part in globalisation. For the public welfare, I am ready to face every distress in my life.

Writing Feedback / Does the rising popularity of telecommuting affect society's lives? IELTS writing Task 2 [3]

'Telecommuting' refers to workers doing their job from home for part of each week and communicating with their office using computer technology.
Telecommuting is growing in many countries and is expected to be common for most office workers in the coming decades.
How do you think society will be affected by the growth of telecommuting?

The massive popularity of telecommuting which provides simplicity for employees to carry out their works at home and to communicate the office thingy from computer is forecast to increase in the future. This circumstance is likely to change the technological and social lifestyle towards public in general.

To begin with, the uplifting interest of telecommuting emerges several alterations in people's daily life. Every single activity is presumably near by the development of sophisticated technology in order to undertake the job. Workers, moreover, will have a wide range of choices to opt the most suitable and convenient place to finish the tasks since they do it at their home. As a result, a vast majority of people will switch some ways of living with the new trends.

The predominant effects from telecommuting and changing daily life could be vary including merits and demerits. Due to the familiarising of technology, the detrimental impact comes since people could utilise computerisation into crime such as hacking and cyber-crime. However, there is still an upside in which the result in workloads in going to be better due to the fact that convenience of working places is controlled by employers' autonomous decision. Therefore, mood and spirit of carrying out tasks are always elevated into the maximum point that encourages effectiveness.

In conclusion, while that way of working is changing, other aspects of lives will be affected as well. New working methods of telecommunicating, therefore, generate several beneficial and detrimental effects for a myriad of society.

Writing Feedback / Sources of person's understanding; the comparison of knowledge based on the gaining process [6]

It has been said, "Not everything that is learned is contained in books"
Compare and contrast knowledge gained from experience with knowledge gained from books.
In your opinion, which source is more important? Why?

An opinion explains that knowledge will be widely acquired not only from books, but also from other resources. Hence, there are several differences regarding knowledge gained from experience and from books. In my standpoint, I personally stand for an argument of which books generate development in large part of personal skills.

Initially, books contain a large number of new areas in public interests which pervades all of criteria excluding people's specialisation. Society, therefore, would enhance their general knowledge and they are not limited into one specific skill to be seized on. Coinciding with a wide range of aptitudes, book readers' knowledge is encouraged in visual ability useful to forecast the possible circumstances in the long period of time since every reading activity creates imagination to picture the words to be real. As a result, attaining enlightenment from books is rather complete to face the brutish life.

Compared to the acquired knowledge from books, experience teaches people in a long time that needs trial and error to achieve the proper knowledge. It consume ineffective period of time and it clearly requires a myriad of financial resources in the process of learning. Subsequently, people tend to be specialised in particular ability that narrow the other valuable self-improvements. This condition occurs due to the fact that experience is usually gained in the sequence of conditions and therefore knowledge from experience is lack of variations in other general abilities.

To conclude, it is imperative for the vast majority of people to consider the merits of books and then they are able to utilise books as the most efficient means in order to possess a wealth of knowledge.

Writing Feedback / The increasing damage of pollution caused by aero transport emerges an opinion to reduce air travel [3]

IELTS task 2 : Restricting air travel is the only way to prevent air pollution. Agree or disagree.

The increasing damage of pollution caused by aero transport emerges an opinion to restrict air travel as the best means to preserve the atmosphere. In my standpoint, I personally disagree towards the notion since this transportation mode is the most effective means for people to span countries all over the world and the prevention of air pollution can be maintained by other several methods.

Needless to say, the airplane exhaust contributes to the level of pollution that clearly deteriorates the atmosphere and sparks the possibility of acid rain which is tremendously devastating for all of living organisms. According to the research conducted by The Green Peace, organisation concerning nature lives, resulted in which 40% of air contamination is produced by airplane as the highest pollutant rate after large ship's figure. The restriction of air travel, therefore, is imperative to restrain the higher amount of natural destruction pertaining to the airplanes' fumes.

However, it will be totally difficult to carry out the restriction with an array of upsides air travel has. The recent situation appears that the most efficient mode for long distance travel is obviously airplane. When the restriction is applied, it generates a bulk of problems for society to commute. Subsequently, the increasing amount of air pollution can be overcome by other means that tend to be more useful without giving up the benefit of air travel. The technological development of airplane can be improved to sustain the total pollution produced as well as the realisation of green technology should be put into the real practice for enriching the aerospace machine.

In conclusion, although to restrict air travel is one of predominant techniques in order that air pollution can be reduced, the more advantageous methods should be considered and employed to acquire virtual merits.

Writing Feedback / BBC News Summary; world wildlife 'falls by 58% since 1970' [2]

A recent research results in the number of wild animal population have fallen by an average of 58%. Zoological Society of London (ZSL) and WWF have conducted The Living Planet Assessment that suggests the decline of wildlife population could reach two-thirds among vertebrates by 2020 and the animals living in the lakes, rivers, and wetlands are suffering the biggest losses.

This result, however, becomes debatable when several experts opine that the data have many gaps. The input data are massively taken from Western Europe and there is not much from regions such as South America, tropical Africa and other tropical areas.

To conclude, the most necessary point to gain in this statistic is this trend is about declining and it is not extinction to the animals in wildlife populations. Hence, there is an opportunity to do the effective way to preserve the condition to become worse.

Writing Feedback / Every child has their own tremendous talents to be more creative. Education should protect it. [2]

TED Talk Summary; Do Schools Kill Creativity?

Every child has their own tremendous talent to be more creative. Education system, therefore, should treat creativity as the same status as other academic subjects. However, academic ability taught at school is always about useful subject for work and academic ability which has been ready to come to dominate our intelligent. Every education system on earth has the same hierarchy subjects in which the top is mathematics and languages and the bottom is humanity as well as arts.

Moreover, the system of education in the world is frankly protecting the process of university entrance that may results in failing to accept the real highly talented, brilliant and creative people.

In the future, education system should adopt a new conception of human ecology that renew conception of human capacity. The system should rethink the fundamental principles on what we are educating our children now and realise that creativity is as imperative as academic and formal education.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay TASK 2; it is easier to understand culture by speaking the language [2]

TOPIC:
Some people think that person can never understand the culture of a country unless they speak the language.
Do you agree with this opinion?

There is a bulk of arguments pertaining language is the only way to interpret and to deepen the understanding of culture in a country. However, I partly agree towards this issue and consider that culture is wider than such a language as well as the natural behaviour from a community is the most proper method to grasp the fundamental layer of culture.

Culture is enormously large in types and the language is accurately able to reflect the way of the communities' thinking regarding the area where they live. Although it is only in one country, it could include a large number of traditions relying on the particular location and group of race inside. Taking Indonesia as an instance, this country has almost thousands of ethnic groups yet the Javanese tend to speak more softly than others since this behaviour is influenced by the tradition of the ancestors that most of great kingdoms in this country were from java region. Therefore, by speaking the native's languages, people will find out the details of the cultures that can be traced from the history, daily lives, and personalities.

However, the predominant points of culture understanding are not only from the language but also from other aspects. A culture can be interpreted by socialising to the core part of the culture related to engage in their traditional activities such as dances, ceremonies, and dresses. For example, if a person lives in other countries for a long time until he involves to the natives' tradition, he will have been recognised as a relative for the local people.Hence, a person is going to deepen the knowledge and to be closer to the community.

In conclusion, although language is valuable to use in order that a culture is more understandable, there are an array of key features to acknowledge the culture deeper.