Undergraduate / "It takes a village to raise a child," ; Personal Statement for NYU [3]

Greetings!

I think your revisions is excellent! The only other suggestion I can think of is that you might want to say how old you were when Christel was born, just to give the reader a clearer picture of the dynamics of your relationship.

Very good work! I know you'll do well with your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Scholarship / Malagasy culture and traditional family - SCHOLARSHIP [3]

Greetings!

I think you've written a good essay, and one with very few mistakes! I just have a few editing suggestions for you:

The part where you mention burning CDs for your friend might not be considered a plus. Universities have to be very conscious these days of copyright laws, and even burning CDs for personal use, if the CDs you are copying are protected, can be a violation of law. Perhaps you could change the wording a bit, so there can be no suggestion that you might have been doing something you shouldn't. For example, you could say you stayed up late helping a friend with a project, without specifying what the project was! :-)

staying all night long to finish his work,

Besides, these inheritances forged parts of my personality but I learnt from experiences as well. - Americans don't really use "Besides" in quite this way. You could leave it out and just begin the sentence with "These."

A Tuesday, August 29, 2006, with three friends, led by our love for cars, we used one without the permission of its owner -one of my friend's father. - This sentence is constructed rather awkwardly. Better would be "One summer evening in 2006, three friends and I, led by our love of cars, 'borrowed' the car of one friend's father--without his permission."

but I thought it was worth making the sacrifice

Sometimes dreaming of being a manager, in my childhood, I would like to make it real now. - This would be better written as "As a child, I sometimes dreamed of being a manager; now, I would like to make that dream a reality."

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "I was once an introvert"; Benefit from and Contribute to [6]

Greetings!

I think you've done a great job of revising your essay for a different purpose! Here are some suggestions for you:

Nothing seemed to fit my personality as I browsed through the clothes rack, not to mention, everything was very pricey.

The uniquely designed costumes fit my personality and made me stand out.

coming up with new and different ways to style hair, to reflect a person's individuality.

I developed my skills, especially some hands-on techniques.

In between my studies in Fashion and Cosmetology, I was devoted to dancing, though, I seemed to fall short of mastering dance skills.

I had to undergo struggles making it to the top; my commitment and motivation pushed me to become better and stay focused.

It is with great anticipation that I look forward to attending Montclair State University.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "It takes a village to raise a child," ; Personal Statement for NYU [3]

Greetings!

I think you've written a really good essay! You did a good job of following the prompt. I have just a few minor editing suggestions for you:

My mom decisively chose "Christel," and there were no qualms. - In American English, the comma (or period) always goes inside the quotation mark.

I knew the family nutmeg skin color would fill in as she grew,

When they say "It takes a village to raise a child," they really mean

I didn't learn how to teach a child to deal with bullies from my mother.

Christel, watching modern war clips on the local news, asked me, "Why do they fight all the time?" Those quiet, pondering questions are the ones that make me admire her so much.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / intellectually stimulating conversation or topic [4]

Greetings!

Instead of saying, "Why is it that all tasty items are unhealthy?" which is a bit of an overgeneralization, you could change it to "Why is it that so many tasty foods are unhealthy?"

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by "ivy league stuff!" ;-) I do think it is an interesting essay with some thought-provoking ideas. I can think of a number of arguments against your idea, but that is what makes it "intellectually stimulating"!

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / A memo to my manager as why my company should or shouldnt go global. [20]

Greetings!

In that case, aside from the statement I mentioned above, you might also want to expand on the one which says, "By expanding our business we might decrease the efficiency of our company." If you could give a couple of examples of how efficiency might be decreased, to support this position, it would be a good idea.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / A memo to my manager as why my company should or shouldnt go global. [20]

Greetings!

It appears to me that your memo makes some excellent points. Whether you need to elaborate really depends on the assignment; I don't know how long or detailed your instructor wanted it to be.

Regarding "There could be issues like pay discrepancies, expertise of work." I'm not sure exactly what you meant by "expertise of work" in this sentence. This is something that you might, indeed, want to elaborate on.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / COLONIALISM in Jane Eyre and A Fine Balance - essay [2]

Greetings!

I'm happy to help!

both books focus on religions and conflicts between religions, social classes and caste systems, treatment of women, and the impact colonialism hashad on the lives of the characters involved.

Post-independence India has seen a lot of religious and ethnic violence.

St. John views Christianity as a duty towards God

not as hateful as that of Brocklehurst nor as demanding as St. John's.

The statement leans towards expressing the view that Indians, as well as the people of all the other eastern countries, are savages and are in need of being taught how to be 'civil'.

"I think they will remember this for a long time"( 171, Mistry) [delete said] Thakur Dharamsingh says after this persecution.

Unable to face the horrors inflicted on their family,

Jane who is [delete erratically] a poor person surrounded by wealthy people,

A few pages into the book, [delete and] the reader finds out about the silent [do you mean "silencing"?] of Dukhi's wife by the hands of a watchman kept to watch a wealthy Brahmin's orchard as a compensation for taking a few oranges for Ishvar when he was a kid. A lot of people also blame the riots happening in the country on Indira Gandhi, claiming that women are not suitable for such a position.

Throughout the novel, Jane tries to come to terms with the fact that she is unequal both socially and economically to men, especially Mr Rochester and St. John.

Bertha, Rochester's locked-up wife,

Both books provide an insightful look on how colonialism affected literature as well as the impact it had on the world. Not only did it affect the culture of different parts of the world, it also gave British colonies a push towards modernization.

One thing you want to watch out for is that you should capitalize nouns which name something (for example, "Muslim"), but not common nouns such as "emergency" or

"partition." I will leave it to you to double-check this in your paper.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / A memo to my manager as why my company should or shouldnt go global. [20]

Greetings!

For someone who is new to memo writing, you have caught on very quickly! This is excellent! I have just a few editing suggestions for you:

To start new warehouses or manufacturing units will require huge capital investments.

Cultural differences present a number of challenges in a global environment.

Another major problem that we would face when we expand our business would be the legal differences between countries. [You might want to add something like "The potential for exposure to civil or criminal liability would need to be addressed by investing considerable expense in appropriate legal counsel."

Hence, [add comma] I feel expanding the business at this time may not be a good idea, but I do appreciate your help. Please get back to me if you have any further queries. [add period]

Very good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / How to read a peer reviewed article in less than 20 minutes? [4]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to help! Many peer-reviewed articles have an abstract at the beginning which includes the main points presented in the article. If the one you are using does not, begin by paying close attention to the title. Articles in peer-reviewed journals are often long and informative. Next, look for the thesis statement in the opening paragraph. It will give you the main thrust of the article so you will know how relevant it is to the topic you are researching. Skim through the following paragraphs, looking for key words that relate to your topic. If possible, use the "Find" function on your computer to locate the important terms (assuming you are reading the article online). You might want to highlight these terms if possible, or cut and paste them into a document which will allow you to do so. If the article is long and complex, make quick notes as you skim through it, particularly looking for quotations you can use in your writing. If you can pick out the terms which are most relevant to your purpose, it may not be necessary to read the entire article to find what you need.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Socioeconomic status & intergenerational violence [2]

Greetings!

I'm happy to provide some feedback on your excellent essay!

particularly when it comes to establishing a link of causality between low socioeconomic statuses, on the one hand, and the emergence and permanence of intergenerational violence, on the other.

to what extent research on intergenerational transmission of violence (IGT) during the closing decade has considered [delete "the belonging to a"] low socioeconomic status as a catalyst

Consequently, one could argue that domestic violence is by no means triggered or sustained by a families' placement in the lowest socioeconomic categories.

That irritation provokes such a high level of anger that they cannot restrain themselves thanks to cultural inhibitors learnt during childhood to cope with stress like the great majority of men. - This sentence is a little confusing; you might want to shorten it a bit.

Moreover, this evolutionary psychology assumption could explain why sexual aggression is so often present with high levels of physical assaults.

Consequently, what is of great importance to understanding why males come to employ physical and sexual assaults is that one should consider what may happen when dependency relations are unbalanced.

Consequently, that study clearly highlights the fact that research carried out during the last decade, some of it having been utilized

Great work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / intellectually stimulating conversation or topic [4]

Greetings!

That is definitely an intellectually stimulating topic! Here are a few editing suggestions for you:

Imagine crisp, deep-fried French fries, a mouth-watering burger with a tangy tomato sauce, cheese and toppings, and an ice-cold cola. Now imagine broccoli, sprouts, boiled vegetables and low carb cereals. The former are fattening but tasty while the latter are healthy and essential if we have to keep fit. Why is it that all tasty items are unhealthy?

This got me thinking. Our bodies need a specific amount of fats, carbohydrates, proteins and vitamins. What if we could make a wafer or something else which combined the healthiness of nutritious food with the irresistible taste of fattening and unhealthy food?

I formulated a plan and here is how it goes. Everyone must have heard of vitamin pills, calcium tablets, etc., if not used them. Suppose we take just enough of these tablets so that our daily requirements are met and crush them and make them into a paste. To mask the bitter taste of these pills we could add some sugar which would fulfill our carbohydrate requirements. The second step would be to isolate the compounds which are responsible for imparting that divine taste to a burger (or any other yummy but unhealthy food for that matter). Now we take the paste and the compound and compress to form a wafer and hurray! We are done. This wafer would mean that we neither gain nor lose weight. We will be able to satisfy our cravings and stay slim at the same time. For those who want to lose weight we could simply reduce the amount of sugar to be added. An added bonus would be the time we would save. Eating a small wafer would take just two minutes. No longer would we have to spend hours in the kitchen, first cooking, and then doing the dishes. It would be a win-win situation. The only people who would be unhappy would be the restaurant owners, but then you can't please everyone.

However all this is only wistful thinking. I am on a diet these days and perhaps this is a manifestation of my craving for pizzas and French fries. [delete "etc."]

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / A memo to my manager as why my company should or shouldnt go global. [20]

Greetings!

Yes, I'd be happy to!

To: Mr. Peter Hawkins, Manager
From: Mrs. Divya Mitta, Assistant Manager
Date: 12/13/2007
Re: Reasons supporting our company's global expansion

Going global will have several positive aspects for our company. Stated below are a few reasons:

Sales: Our company can expand to different locations of the world and capture the untapped markets, which will help in creating more employment opportunities for the people in those markets and provide a cost benefit to the company. By having warehouses and manufacturing units in different locations we can reduce the costs of manufacturing and shipping.

By placing branch offices all over the world, raw materials can be purchased at a lower price which will in turn lead to reduction in the price of our end product, thereby making our product affordable to a larger segment of [delete "the"] society.

This will also allow us to build partnership or joint ventures with different organizations across the globe, and understand the needs/requirements of different countries. Products can be tailor-made as per the requirements that will result in capturing a larger market.

Knowledge and best practices can be shared across all offices, and [delete "the"] management can focus on improving the top line and the bottom line for the company, instead of taking care of the day to day activities.

Through global expansion, we can build more brand and shareholder value.

I would like to schedule a meeting to discuss this in more depth; please let me know when you are available.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / A memo to my manager as why my company should or shouldnt go global. [20]

Greetings!

A business memo needs to be succinct and go straight to the point. Begin with the basics:

From: [for example: Senior Staff]

To: Management

RE: Reasons Supporting XYZ Company's Global Expansion

[You then state the purpose of the memo.] Going global will have several positive aspects for our company. These include [then list the reasons you mentioned above--improving sales, etc.].

Conclude by saying what you want the reader to do. For instance, "Please get back to me with your views on this matter at your earliest convenience" or "I would like to schedule a meeting to discuss this in more depth; please let me know when you are available."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Religion in Arthurian Legend essay - completed minus conclusion [2]

Greetings!

I think this is shaping up to be an excellent essay! Here are a few editing suggestions for you:

Jerry Bruckheimer's 2004 film, King Arthur.

a single "fashionable social concern"-religion.

Having no doubt heralded the displeasure of the English monarchy, Malory's writing strives toward religious education. - I'm not sure you mean "heralded"; it means "announced." Could you perhaps have meant "incurred"?

Fritscher writes that, just as many other educative heroes such as Sophocles' Oedipus,

When someone is taken from us "unfairly," we tend to propagate that person as larger-than-life and idealize them. - I don't think "propagate" is the best word choice here; perhaps "project"? Also, "someone" is singular, so you should say "idealize him."

brandishing Excalibur back into the lake.- to brandish is to wave ostentatiously or with a flourish; I think "banishing" would be a more accurate term here.

Brown purports a marriage of Jesus to Mary Magdalene, - Brown does not "purport" the marriage, but one could say he proposes its existence.

Even Arthur, an optimistic Catholic, turns his back on Rome at the end of the movie, proving his allegiance lies in the freedom and equality in man.

The central theme of democracy throughout the film is projected [delete es] as a religion.

Great work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Monkey King research paper [2]

Greetings!

Although a number of "hits" come up on an internet search of "Sun Wukong" they are somewhat lacking in depth. I think your best bet for sources will be your school library's database. There you will have access to scholarly journals which will give you a more in-depth treatment of the topic than is available on websites. JSTOR, for example, is a large scholarly journal archive with articles on wide-ranging topics. If you still have trouble finding anything in the library's database, you can ask for assistance with finding articles from the librarian, who is trained in this type of research.

I hope this helps get you started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / I need help formatting a paper [3]

Greetings!

A common mistake I see is students trying to cram too much into an introduction. The purpose of the introduction is to tell the reader, in general, what your paper is about. You only want to hit the major points. I'm not sure exactly what the slant of your paper is supposed to be, but for example: "Christianity is a 2000-year-old monotheistic religion which incorporates a holy trinity comprised of the God/Father figure, Son/Savior, and Holy Spirit, with a Mother/Virgin aspect providing a stronger influence in some denominations than others."

Depending on what your instructor told you about using or not using first person, you might then go on in the same paragraph to say "I conducted an interview with Father R., a Catholic priest in the XYZ Archdiocese, to obtain his views on the role of the Church in the modern world, " etc. You might want to include the extra information ("as much as I possibly can" type stuff) in the section which compares and contrasts with another religion.

I hope this helps get you started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Essay on discussion about the positive & negative effects of child day care [2]

Greetings!

You have set out a clear path for your essay; you just need to be sure you follow that path. You have talked about whether "children are harmed by day-care, or how it can positively affect their development" in your third paragraph; you then discussed "how the effects of day care are measured" in the following paragraph, although you may want to expand on that a little more if you can find more articles. The other area you set out in your thesis was that you would "discuss how we need to use day care of a consistent level for research" which I did not really understand. You need to make this more clear, and then present findings about it, or else remove it from your thesis.

You will then need a conclusion which summarizes your research: what it showed, how it answered the questions you set out to answer. You have a good start, just keep going until you have fulfilled the task you set out in your opening paragraph.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "I was once an introvert"; Benefit from and Contribute to [6]

Greetings!

I think you can use it with slight modifications for all three:

1) You might want to stress your "academic strengths" a little more in order to comply with the prompt.

2) I think you could cut quite a bit of the paragraph on cosmetology to save words. You begin with such a strong emphasis on cosmetology that, the first time I read your essay, I missed what you said about how that prepared you for building your communications skills. You could cut it down to a sentence or two and perhaps blend it into the next paragraph.

3) You could mention your cosmetology experience, your visit to your parents' country, and your work as class treasurer all in a couple of sentences and then go on to talking about the person you want to become. This prompt will require the most editing. Try to think of it as a new essay, built from bits and pieces of the larger essay, and it will be easier to write.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Teaching methods, learning styles essay - due today... [2]

Greetings!

I'm sorry, but we can't guarantee help within five hours; we try to answer all posts within 24 hours if at all possible. However, reading through your essay, I think you have very little to worry about. Your essay is well-written, makes its points logically and well, and the punctuation is remarkably good. I feel sure you will earn an excellent grade!

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "The Early Show." - Evaluate a significant experience or achievement [3]

Greetings!

Another fine essay! I have just a few suggestions for you:

At my school, I am and [delete "have been enrolled" - it's a little confusing] in a class called Television Production where we learn [delete "how"] the aesthetics of television and actually get to put together our own shows for our TV Club's morning announcements.

But if I can only obtain a job as a floor manager or a camera person, I would be more than satisfied. - I think this weakens the expression of your passion for directing; perhaps you could say something about how if you had to begin there, it would be a satisfying start to your burgeoning career as a director.

I am slowly preparing myself every day when I go to my Television Production class, and I have become confident that I can achieve my dream.

Great job, and best of luck to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / The origins of Christianity in Beowulf - essay topics [2]

Greetings!

The great thing about a topic like this is that it has been written on extensively. An internet search will yield you a lot of ideas from other writers, which can help you build your essay. Here are some to get you started:

Beowulf is full of pagan ritual, yet the characters often exhibit spiritual strength arising from Christianity; character traits like meekness and poverty, and the decidedly Christian attitude of helping others, play a prominent role. This was a time when Christianity was new and the old pagan ways were sometimes fallen back on in times of stress. However, there is little doubt that the original epic poem pre-dates Christianity, so some changes were made over time to "Christianize" the tale. You might want to see if you can expand on this idea.

I hope this helps to get you going!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Passion for Television Directing; Syracuse U [2]

Greetings!

I think you've written an excellent essay! You have definitely done your homework, and I like the way you incorporate your knowledge of the courses available at the school. There is very little I can offer in the way of improvement, except for one little apostrophe: a stronger desire to follow in the footsteps oftelevision's finest directors.

Best of luck in your studies!

Book Reports / 'A Tragic Character' - "Death of a Salesman" Essay Help [3]

Greetings!

I think you've written a good essay! Here are some editing suggestions:

In Arthur Miller's play, "Death of a Salesman," the main character, Willy Loman, is a tragic figure. Throughout the play Miller gives the reader insight into the life of Willy Loman and in doing so he shows us a tragic character. At the end of the play Willy does commit suicide but to me that doesn't make Willy a tragic character. Willy's son Biff, his wife Linda, and his pride are what make Willy Loman tragic.

When Biff was born, Willy feared that Biff would become more financially successful than he was. Willy felt threatened and thought it would ruin his dignity if Biff became more successful, so Willy decided to tell his kids "that being physically fit would lead to success in the business world," (Caught 22 Para 4). If Biff became rich it would be because of his strength and Willy could say that he, himself, became successful with his mind not his strength. The fact that Willy felt threatened by his son is [delete a] tragic. When people have children they always say how they want the best for their child, and that they would do anything to give them the world. Willy decided to lie to his son because he didn't want him to be more successful than he was, which in itself is sad and pathetic. A parent should not feel threatened by their child, but Willy does and that is one thing that makes him a tragic figure.

Willy's wife is another reason why the character of Willy is a tragic one. When Willy admits his own shortcomings his wife quickly steps in and makes excuses for him. Thomas Lourdeau wrote, "We are introduced to his wife, who seems to make excuses for his lack of motivation, concentration, or ability to focus for any period of time," (Para. 8). His wife enables him to live in his fantasy world, ultimately making it seem okay that he is scattered and all over the place. I know that if my husband acted like Willy I wouldn't stand there and make excuses for him because it wouldn't be helping him.- I think I'd leave out this bit of editorializing. Willy acts the way he does because his wife is not helping him, she is reinforcing his bad behavior.

Pride is another factor that makes Willy a tragic figure. Willy's pride is one of his downfalls. When Willy lost his job, his only friend and neighbor, Charley, offered him a job. Willy refused to take him up on the offer because he felt that it would be admitting failure. Willy let his pride get in the way of getting a job. Willy believed that pride was one of the only things in his life that he still had control of, and it was one of the most important things to him.

Willy can be viewed as a lonely man, whose life is not going the way he wants it to. [delete To me,] It is tragic that Willy committed suicide, but it is more tragic still that the people in his life did not realize he needed help.

[I think the last part needs a little fine tuning]: Willy's wife failed to fulfill her duty as a wife. If she had been more supportive, Willy might not have felt so threatened by his son's greater success. Willy escaped the patheticness of his life by having a mistress; in this way, he could pretend he lived a life he wanted, but it was as much a sham as the rest of his life. Ultimately, the character of Willy Loman epitomizes the tragic figure, as he allows himself to be trapped by his own failings, and gives up rather than engaging in a struggle to improve himself.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Letters / Recommendation letter for my Student - Cambridge O/L, A/L [2]

Greetings!

What an excellent recommendation! I have just a few editing suggestions for you:

Being his teacher, [add comma] I can vouch that he is one of the most brilliant and conscientious students that I have encountered in my entire teaching career.

This act of his has resulted in arousing thinking skills to develop in his classmates and better understanding of the lesson. - This sentence could be a little smoother; perhaps something like "This allowed him to present thoughtful ideas and encourage better understanding among his classmates, as well."

Last November, I gave his class two extremely tedious assignments to be submitted within a couple of days on Cartesian equations; [use semicolon] Hamza was the only one in the class who managed to submit his work on time. This shows his serious dedication to working hard.

His natural abilities, combined with his work ethic and ability to evolve academically, are recipes for success in the years to come.[add period] I enthusiastically recommend him for admission to your institution.

Hamza sounds like a wonderful young man, and he is lucky that you are his teacher!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Letters / Letter to a Math Company [4]

Greetings!

Your letter is very good! Although I don't know the background on which it is based, the logic makes perfect sense to me. Here are a couple of corrections for you:

As my simulation shows, 45% of companies hired 4 or fewer women mathematicians, which is less than 40%.

Normally, you would write out numbers less than 10: "two" or "four"; however, you may feel that since you are talking about mathematics here, that the numbers are more appropriate. I'll leave that up to you.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Letters / Letter to a Math Company [4]

Greetings!

I'm not sure I'm able to follow the logic of the evidence presented, but the writing seems to be quite good! Here are a couple of editing suggestions for you:

based on my stimulation, - I think you must mean "simulation"?

I hope the content of this letter provides the answer you need.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Courtship Violence in the 2007 ; My thoughts on that issue [2]

Greetings!

Another interesting essay! Here are some editing tips:

Consequently, the study of violence between intimate partners during this semester may help me understand whether domestic violence is actually more present in the US than in any other western country or whether American society exaggerates its frequency of occurrence and intensity.

Indeed, the growing concern for the creation and implementation of preventive and curative methods results from the interest that has been aroused in researchers, activists, and intervention services for both victims and [delete per] perpetrators of courtship violence in recent decades.

One could chastise the inconsistency of the methodologies that have been employed or [delete one] castigate the irrelevance of the data that have been utilized, nonetheless one should acknowledge that [delete that] awkward attempts have had the merit to arouse interest in the public for the painful situation of all actors involved in courtship violence.

However, this burgeoning field of research must develop the scope of its activities in addition to adopting models integrating various psychological paradigms to reach its maturity.

Among the three main models that serve to apprehend the delicate issue of courtship violence,

violent behaviours are deeply rooted in the children's observation and imitation of their parents' violent behaviour

Offsprings' preference for violence as a means to resolve conflicts gives rise to courtship violence and then domestic violence.

In addition (or "Moreover," or "Additionally,"), scholars underpinning intergenerational transmission theory are still unable to explicate whether an individual's behaviour is attributable to the appurtenance to the same gender as the one of the violent parent.

Moreover, American families could turn into the keystone of successful recoveries and cures instead of being systematically the source of plaguing violence during courtship on condition that families assume responsibility for acting to curtail courtship violence and not ignore it.

That conclusion does [delete certainly] not, in any way, excuse violence between spouses and even less curbs the detrimental consequences on a child's development on account of violence between parents, but, rather provides hope for those who could have endured such pains during their childhood. Consequently, previous experiences do not constitute an indestructible straitjacket: those who have experienced or witnessed violence in their parent's relationship are not obliged to reiterate violent behaviours when they woo an individual.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Essay about what career to take, 4 pages [2]

Greetings!

It can be difficult to write in a language that you are not fluent in, but I did not have any trouble understanding you. :-) Here are some things you might want to include when writing about a careering in nursing.

-First, you might want to say where your desire to be a nurse came from. Was someone in your family in a medical profession? Or were you, or someone you are close to, sick or injured and received wonderful care from a nurse? Is it just something you've always wanted to do?

-Next, you might talk more specifically about the parts of it that interest you. Do you enjoy studying biological sciences? Do you love to help people? What sort of career would you like to have in nursing? To work in a large hospital? In a clinic in a rural community? Perform private nursing services for older adults or children?

-Add a section about the course of study you will pursue. Is there a particular area you are especially interested in, like pediatrics? Mention any courses you've already taken which have prepared you for your future studies.

See if this gets you started, and I will be happy to help you edit your rough draft!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Help with King Lear v. The Tempest [3]

Greetings!

It's important not to try to pack too much into a thesis statement, while at the same time making it clear what your essay is about. See what you think of something like this: In William Shakespeare's The Tempest, the themes of authority and servitude are entwined in an intricate interplay between the characters, while King Lear employs the themes as a cause-and-effect, with Lear creating his own destruction by rejecting his own authority, leading to his eventual acceptance of servitude.

You may not agree with my take on it, but perhaps you can use your own ideas to create something like it.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / domestic terrorism essay [3]

Greetings!

I'm happy to help with some editing!

As one of the world's superpowers, the United States holds many responsibilities both on foreign and domestic affairs.

Right-wing terrorism ideals have been witnessed in many forms throughout the history of the United States.

as the United States continues to grow. - Even though there are 50 states, the country itself is singular, so use "continues."

Extreme right-wing ideologies have rapidly gained popularity among many European extremist groups such as the neo-Nazis

Animal rights extremists also have committed acts of terrorism within the United States. An example of this is Rodney Coronado, a member of the Animal Liberation Front, who pled guilty to arson from a fire at Michigan State University

Domestic terrorism has undoubtedly grown in the United States. These acts of terrorism seems to grow in intensity and scale. Right-wing terrorists are the most dangerous threat to the United States.

Your thesis is "Domestic right-wing terrorist groups and individuals are the most dangerous threat to the peace and security of the United States." Yet, you seem to be including the first World Trade Center bombing in that category. You might want to make this a little clearer.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Rules governing interpersonal relationships / mini-essay [2]

Greetings!

I'm happy to help! Here are some suggestions:

The textbook's authors

On the one hand, since that particular means of communication has been studied and [delete "that the"] subsequent findings have been applied to enhance the development of interpersonal relationships

despite the fact that divergent views are in opposition as regards the theoretical models that should be adopted.

Another issue that [or which] retains the attention of researchers

Excellent work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Children with good knowledge in art, music & drama are more flexible and confident! [2]

Greetings!

You make some excellent points in your essay! Here are some editing suggestions for you:

Nowadays, our lives are so busy and hasty that we have little time for leisure pursuits. Thus, we should spend time for entertainment by learning art, music, or even drama. I totally agree that subjects such as art, music, and drama should be a part of every child's basic education.

Learning art, music, or drama from an early age benefits children throughout their lives. By taking these courses, they will have a chance to practise some important skills, as well as to promote their potential talent. In art class, they can gain knowledge about ancient societies and masterpieces. Music plays an important role in our lives. It can help us relax and reduce stress, which occurs more often in our modern life. Children learning music when they are still young can be more capable of understanding and enjoying music.Music is also an effective way when communicate or participating in parties. - This last sentence is not very clear; better would be "Music can help build confidence; playing a musical instrument improves motor skills." Drama is also a great means for children to practise some important skills in expressing their feelings, or controlling their emotions.

To sum up, children with good knowledge in art, music and drama would be more flexible and confident. Courses of art, music and drama also give them opportunities to take part in outside activities and teamwork, therefore, they have a chance to explore themselves.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Letters / Cover letter to impress my employer [3]

Greetings, Shamala!

I'd be happy to help you. The easiest way to do it, because I don't know much about you, would be for you to post your rough draft here, and let me help you edit it. If you still have one of the ones you wrote that you felt was not "a good one," I could help you to make it good! :-)

Don't be shy about posting it. We have students from all levels of learning, many for whom English is a foreign language, and all are welcome to post their essays. If you don't still have one of your rough drafts, I'd suggest you just write down all the relevant facts about yourself, as if you were just telling me in a conversation, and I will help you smooth it out and achieve the right tone for your purposes.

I look forward to learning more about you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / The minister's black veil - essay [3]

Greetings!

I think you need to have a stronger thesis statement. In fact, you really don't have a thesis statement at all; you just launch straight into describing the story. "The author chose a veil with a black hue to present the main symbol of the story to the readers." comes close, but doesn't quite sum up what your essay's main purpose is. See if you can flesh it out a little, making it a summary of Hawthorne's story.

If there is too much summary, then I suppose the assignment was to analyze the story? It would help if you could tell me exactly what the assignment asked you to do.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Drinking and Driving @ a B'day party ; COMMON APP [7]

Greetings!

I think your story is very moving, and not overly dramatic. Here are a few editing suggestions:

I was contemplating [delete the] choosing business as my major even though my heart was not in it. However, [comma]

But the experience has made me a better person and I would not change it. - Rather than "I would not change it" you might want to say something like "I am grateful for the lesson it taught me" or "the lesson I learned changed my life."

]
Without telling anyone, [comma] I got in my new Acura Integra and left for Burger King.

My car's back end kicked out and I [delete had] lost all control of the car. As I [delete was] slid towards the trees directly in front of me, my fate uncertain, I closed my eyes and truly believed that I was finished.

At that moment I came to realize the mess I had gotten myself into.

I also noticed them discreetly searching my car for anything which didn't belong.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Writing comparison paper on the poetry of Richard Brautigan [2]

Greetings!

Are you comparing Brautigan's poems to one another, or his poetry to someone else's? Sounds like you mean the former. Either way, getting started can be difficult; it can be helpful to make a chart. To be able to see the main similarities and differences, try listing the main features in one column and then in the next column, make notes on how each poem incorporates or digresses from that feature. You might want to color code the similarities in one color and the differences in another.

Give that a try and see if it helps you get started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Annotated Bibliography for "Affirmative Action in the Workplace" [2]

Greetings!

You've been doing a lot of good research! Here are some editing tips for you:

Linda Chavez, a member of the Democratic staff of the House [delete of] Judiciary Committee in 1974,

Richard Sander. Mr. Sander's explains - Is his name Sander or Sanders? If Sanders, do not use an apostrophe unless it is possessive: Sanders' empirical analysis

According to David B. Wilkins, who is a professor at [delete the] Harvard Law School, [delete as saying], "Great lawyers are made, not born."

mentoring can prevent minorities from excelling in the workplace. - does it really? are you sure this is right?

According to [delete Mr.] Connerly, proposed ballots for the four states' operative clause reads,

The magazine is known for its large group of professional HR representatives that have a passion for [delete the] workers' rights.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / a comparative essay on the rhetorical devices and messages between .. [2]

Greetings!

You've written a good essay! Here are some editing tips for you:

Thoreau and King Jr., speaking in volumes against the injustice of the American government legislative system, endeavor in persuading both contemporary readers, and the readers of the day through the use of wide range of literary devices that differ greatly from each other. - contemporary readers, and the readers of the day are the same thing; also "endeavor in persuading" is not really grammatical. Better would be "formulate arguments which are persuasive to both contemporary and modern readers"

Thoreau further explores his belief to its logical limit by imagining a dissolution of the government, but quickly comes to realize that our society is not yet ready for such vision

The use of logos by King is apparent throughout his letter,

his method of retaliation is not only lawful, but necessary.

While both authors successfully utilize similar strategies, like the personal narration, to their advantage by bringing the readers and themselves closer,

In essence, both authors demonstrate equally well the use of their own methods to their maximum potential, and achieve an equal amount of impact.

Thoreau's minimalistic government ideals, and his solemn belief in the necessity of every man being conscious of the laws that he obeys have influenced many civil rights activists

To say that one essay was more influential than the other seems incredulous and unnecessary. -- I don't think "incredulous" is what you mean; how about "seems neither credible nor necessary."

that Martin Luther King, Jr. indeed appealed his messages more fashionably.- I think you meant to say "fashioned his message more appealingly." :-)

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / "interaction of porcelain" - my art essay [2]

Greetings!

I'm happy to provide some editing for your very informative essay!

The speaker was Linda Rosenfeld Pomper, who presented her gallery talk in front of the artworks.

During the talk, Pomper not only introduced the invention and development of porcelain, but also informed the audience about the spread and influence between China, the rest of Asia, and Europe.

also known as oriental porcelain.

Porcelain is made from a mixture of two ingredients - kaolin and petuntse, and then mixed with water to form a soft material, so the material can change to several shapes. After the shape is formed, it is fired at an extremely high temperature, then glaze is brushed on the surface, and the piece is fired again.

As the techniques to make porcelain became more mature, the Chinese began to put paintings on the porcelain.

Moreover, Chinese were able to mass produce porcelain, and porcelain became so common in the society, due to the Silk Road and sea trade, that more and more people became aware of porcelain. Because Chinese porcelain is so beautiful and useful, it was extremely popular in other regions, especially Europe, so many traders traveled a long way to China seeking porcelain.

The Portuguese bought porcelain into Europe and Japan, and the Japanese developed more designs, shapes and colors of porcelain.

Europeans not only traded with China and Japan for porcelain, they started to create their own porcelain.

However, Chinese porcelain was created like a magic, so European experienced very long time and finally created their own porcelain around 17th centuries by Medici workshop. - This sentence is a little unclear. Better would be "Methods of creating Chinese porcelain were unknown to Europeans, but finally, in the 17th century, a method of creating European porcelain was established in the Medici workshop."

However, European could not mass produce porcelain, so it became very valuable and expensive which meant it usually belonged to the wealthy and royalty. After the method to produce porcelain was found, Europeans started to make many copies from Chinese and Japanese porcelain, and gave the Europeans a way to learn Chinese and Japanese everyday life through images on the pottery. Moreover, porcelain trade made intense interaction among China, Japan, and European countries. - "intense interaction" is a rather strange way of putting it.

Before,porcelain was imported, European porcelain had only decorations of white and blue flowers.

After the new method was discovered, Europeans put colorful designs, religious images and symbols, and even scenes of tales on the porcelain. For example, "the Nativity" depicted a scene of Jesus' birth. The porcelain depicts lifelike figures of Mary and Jesus in various of colors, such as blue clothing, brown trees, mountains in green and the sun in yellow.

As a result, Pomper effectively introduced details about the invention and development of porcelain. She also explained how porcelain diffused into other regions and was influenced by other countries. Pomper also showed various examples to support how Chinese porcelain differed from Japanese and European in color, shape and content. From her lecture, I not only learned more information and history about porcelain, but also realized the importance of interaction between different regions.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com