Poetry / Times Square: A description of my haiku? [9]

Simplicity and complexity spill into one another. I think it's cool that the nature of reality is like that. Anyhow, the purpose of poetry and of essays is to make artful use of language so that some idea -- an idea that ordinarily cannot easily be expressed -- can be expressed! So, as you go deep into the act of writing, even a "simple description" can express something profound.

Undergraduate / About me in 10 years... | Temple University Transfer | Admission Essay [4]

Streamline, make it sleek:
Ten years have passed since I took my my Bachelor's Degree in Biochemistry from Temple University. I am...

I am really proud that by obtaining my education at Temple University that it has helped me to I have become a better person, both academically and most importantly mentally personally. Having acquired ...

Streamline streamline:
Since then, I have used the knowledge I have acquired from at Temple University and contributed to have been effectively putting all my efforts towards the well-being of future generations.

With the space you save by making it efficient and concise, you can write some more about your specific goals for the near future and for the distant future. :-)

Undergraduate / Disappointments in Life; 'never lose infinite hope' [7]

where were

trim this down:
I was born and bought up in a family where most of the family members where were highly educated and were doing very good in their professions. ...

This is very well written. It is impressive that you have such deep reflection; deep reflection is what an essay is supposed to have, but many students do not achieve it. This is pretty great.

use a spell checker:
luxiouries luxuries

...of life can help us to conquer on our these disappointments.

Undergraduate / Transfer Essay to Fordham University [3]


Not very impressive! I have read this far, and I am thinking, "Hmmmmm.... then she probably does not deserve admission as much as some kids that have been focused for a long time."

Oh,,, as I keep reading, I see that you turned it all around! Congratulations, that is great. And you wrote beautifully about it, too. I think you were inspired because you were digging deep and telling the truth.

Here is a tip -- use a comma after every adjective if there is more than one:
...to be immersed into a dynamic, business-oriented community (and no comma is necessary here) while still having the social college experience.

trim, trim, make it leek:
I am looking look forward to pushing myself...

Now chop off that first paragraph! It has no place in this essay. You are a 4.0gpa, not a student without motivation. Do not make such an unimpressive first impression! Replace that intro paragraph with one that describes your vision for the future.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Wine Fermentation [3]

Okay, the good news is that this essay is obviously very well researched and informative. However, it seems to have no organization at all! The first paragraphs seem like lists of random sentences that are unrelated. You tell what wine is, how it is made, how fermentation works, etc... but you should do this with the use of TOPIC SENTENCES. One paragraph = one idea.

If you write about all kinds of different ideas in each paragraph, the essay has no organization. I think you can do a great job of revising this essay so that every paragraph starts with a topic sentence that tells the main idea of the paragraph.

Start a new paragraph whenever you are going to give a new topic sentence, and then make sure to give some examples and explanation for each topic sentence.

You already have great, great material, but now I think you should package it up into a series of distinct paragraphs -- and ach paragraph must express a distinct idea.

:-)

Writing Feedback / fossil fuel energy, "The Power and the Glory" [7]

Hello! I see this part in the middle that we could improve a little:
The think motivation to change in the energy procurement methods is closely connected to the price of fossil fuel energy. New methods are sought not only because of the fact that costs are rising but also to decrease the economic dependence on oil exporters. Governments are searching for new sustainable technologies. As a secondary concern, they begin to care about the negative impact of pollution on the environment and potentially upcoming carbon dioxide taxes.

But here is a part that I don't know how to fix:
In addition, to the behavior of the governments and the importance of money (I canot figure out what you mean here!), the
dimensions of the energy market are getting explained.

I'm glad you're here participating in our writing forum!!! :-)

Research Papers / Psychology Research; "abstract/method section." What do these terms mean??! [3]

Azeri, I'm so sorry to remove that material. I know sometimes the rules at EF can be misunderstood. Because we must guard so carefully against plagiarism, it is important to avoid ever pasting material from another site --- unless, you know, it is just a brief sentence or two.

;-)

thanks!!!!!!!

Anyway, if Amjad found essay forum, she surely can find about.com and read those definitions. We should try, instead, to really promote understanding.

The Abstract is the SEED of the project, it is the essence. It is what you would say if the whole thing needed to b described in 120 words or less.

ust look at Azeri's web definition and include each thing that is supposed to be included.

For the method sectin, you need to become familiar with research methods!!

Google this: Psychology research methods

You are going to have to really spend a lot of time designing a project.

:-)

Scholarship / Earthquakes, tornadoes, Did you feel it? [3]

I don't think there is any need to get as slang as "gonna"
I told myself that I'm gonna going to die, and everything is lost, and no one can help me. when I saw natural disasters . The limitation of the humankind against power of nature, is realized when people see floods, tornadoes, volcanoes' eruptions, earthquakes, or landslides.

Lisa Wald also described that the way, before or after the earthquake, many constructions start to fall down because of slowly vibrating shocks, which are called aftershocks.

Across my house there is a multi-story building, which was swinging like a podium of clock. --- excellent imagery!!!

Graduate / Photographic preservation graduate school 500word essay [5]


I think you can draw an even subtler and more meaningful comparison -- both are composition, and composition is of a particular nature.

You have a refreshing, succinct, straightforward way of writing!

Essays / An argumentative essay about women and men in the society [4]


Well, you do not have to pick a side in order to argue. You can argue your own unique point:
Here are a few ideas:

The key to stopping overpopulation of the planet is to educate the women so that they get careers and have fewer children. That is the only way to stop overpopulation.

Women should be appointed to as many public offices as possible, because their wisdm is different from that of men.

Undergraduate / Appeal for admission to SMU as a polytechnic student [5]


This sounds confrontational. It is better to say:
I wish to thank you for taking the time to assess my preparedness for success at your fine institution.

...was also through this experience that I began to see where my passion lies.

...years later, when I would be more financially independent and mature as an adult.

Writing Feedback / My research assignment on binge drinking and the health effects, review request [12]

The final question asked respondents on whether they would drink less if they were more aware of the long term effects. --- but what does this mean? Would you eat less ice cream if you were aware of more negative effects? It seems like a strange question.

This study aims to investigate reasons why individuals binge drink and are the extent to which they aware of the long term health risks. Data were...

...can cause dementia or alcohol related pancreas. --- what is this supposed to say?

:-)

Graduate / Recommendation letter - master programme in architecture [3]

simplify:
...have had the chance to be Andrei Luca's [subject] professor during his undergraduate studies. I am writing you in order to support Andrei and his desire to attend Aalborg University for the Architectural Design Master's Programme. Andrei is one of my best students, and therefore I sincerely recommend that he shall should have the opportunity to attend your university.

I met Andrei in...

... he has proven to be a take-charge person who is able to successfully develop plans and implement them. (And I woul write something about great communication skills as well) I have confidence in his creativity and I am sure that he is ...

Andrei is an outstanding individual with a strong character. He has the ability to produce impressive results in a wide variety of areas, being organized and motivated, self-confident and success-oriented. I have seen...

... you will admit him into your university. If you have any questions regarding this recommendation, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Nice!!!

Writing Feedback / Machines have many great features that are impossible for human to compete it [3]

Many people like to work by hand, but machines can do numerous great jobs better than humans. In my opinion, working with machines has several advantages, such as: safer conditions, neater environment, and quicker productivity.

The paragraph about the canneries is very good!

Second, people can get tired, bored, or other conditions can affect their work, whereas machine can't be affected by fatigue or distraction.

In conclusion, machines have many great features that are impossible for human to compete with. They have many brilliant features, such as: security, neatness, and speed. Thus, working with machines allows ...

well done!!!!

Scholarship / Influential Person , Neila [6]

Dude, nothing gets the reader's attention like some musing about whether one's masculinity was undermined by the experience of frilly dresses. My respect to you, hell of a writer. That is the writing, right there...


This part is really cool. It is the kind of thing readers enjoy.

These are not technically correct:
She played on the varsity volleyball team and made it to the quarter-finals; I pole-vaulted at the state meet. She received award after award for acting; I led my stage crew to recognition for technical excellence. --- you know what I mean.. just... in case you get a grammar stikler reading this.. use semi-colons.

Writing Feedback / Does advancement of Technology cause Pollution? [3]

Progress basically results in pollution and exploitation of the earth, which supports its inhabitants... actually have accelerated the contamination and exhaustion of the system. (okay, right here add ne more sentence, a thesis sentence that tells tha main idea you want the reader to remember fr the essay.

It's It was not until recently that the devastating effects of nuclear power and plastic have been made public and

Make sure you know the definitions of the words you use procure ... and wind power procure cause almost no exhaust of other resources.

Yes, I have to agree with you!! Technology is pollution indeed. Except for, you know, clean energy technology.

Scholarship / "Discuss personal and family Financial Need" UTA scholarship [4]

You can pack all the sentences power into a quick punch:
I remember when I was an elementary school child going into second grade, m My parents had transferred me into private school when I transitioned into the second grade. It wasn't only me but my brothers as well. My parents weren't in high end paying jobs, nor were they wealthy entrepreneurs or successful physicians -- but they were extremely caring and hard-working.

How about like that? :-)

Poetry / Mirroring poetry [3]

This is an interesting assignment!! PLease please tell your teacher that Kevin at EssayForum admires her for this inspired exercise.

You should mirror some Poe.

I especially like what you did with the bee poem, "was" for "fuzz" and changed it to were for furr.

:-)

Undergraduate / Radiography: MCPHS Transfer Admission Essay [3]

I am very interested in radiography, because I like to help patients from get rid of diseases and to in the ways that require us to see their different parts of bone, tissue, body brain in X-ray, sonography, CT scan, MRI, etc.

It seems very interesting for me to know which disease they have, such as hemorrhage, infarctions, and so forth.

I have also work in...

In radiography, to get rid of risk of radiation we can use told badge or lead apron while doing procedures. ----I think you spend a little too muh time telling how you do the procedures and telling about the job. It is better if you write more about your specific plan for the future.

...want and when I attended a meeting with the counselor, she was good and understood my interest in radiography, and everyone involved was very cooperative with me.

Radiography is very reliable career for me.---- Are you sure you want to end by saying it is reliable? I think you should add a theme to the beginning and end of this essay, a theme that shows why you know that you can make a meaningful contribution in this field.

:-)

Scholarship / "Describe your career and educational goal" - Need help on my scholarship [4]

Main idea of the question?? This question is asking WHAT ARE YOU??!! What are you now?

School is ending, an it's time to take your professional training for a career. If you are not sure what you want to do, take a guess! Get started in a direction -- nutrition and nursing, perhaps?

You can change direation any time you want, but CHOOSE ONE, NOW. IF YOU HAVE CHOSEN A DIRECTION, YOU WILL NOT HAVE TROUBLE WRITING ABOUT IT. IF YOU ARE INSPIRED, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE WANTING TO THINK ABOUT IT AND TALK ABOUT IT.

:-D

Letters / Query letter for agent/publisher [4]

Your years of experience are impressive. I would like listen to what anyone has to say if she has 22 years of experience in spiritual practice. I guess if I was looking to criticize this, i would say that it celebrates natural magick in general but does not really make any assertion that show that YOUR unique contribution here is worth buying. Are you just saying what Cunningham and others say? If you are a student of Cunningha's work, why will readers want to read your book?

"I have distilled all my lessons into the most essential elements for anyone to practice and understand." This is vague. What do you actually teach? What will I learn from you that I will not learn from the other books? You MUST be able to capture in words something that has the ring of truth. If you tell a little truth about natural energy, the reader will recognize it as truth! :-)

Poetry / How is my analysis of The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost?? [6]

You should check out these figures of speech.. like... "unlock new path" is not quite right.
"opportunity doors" is not right...
...I am who I am today through after thousands of decisions I made in the past. Sure, it These decisions sent me along new paths, yet some windows f opportunity doors will be eternally closed, and I will never know what I missed. Yes, I have regretted the choices I have made in the past, but I have also learned that nothing can be done...

:-)

Poetry / "Damsel's Nightmare". What do you think about my limerick and the description? [6]

Nice!!

it would be even better if it said:
Caught swine on her way to Peru.

That meter would be PERFECT!! But... it would not make sense this way SO I would write....

Embarked on a flight to Peru.

:-)

Poetry / Times Square: A description of my haiku? [9]


The theme is also too simple. However, it is not too simple for haiku. A haiku observes something and sees it simply as it is, in all its simple sacredness.

But when you write an essay, you are supposed to achieve something rather complex, giving an exposition of the essay's main idea.

I think the reason you think your stuff is worded is because of the difference between haiku and prose. You can use a line from the prose to point out that the haiku is necessarily about something simple, and image in a moment.

P.S. I don't think "time square overwhelms" is a personification.

:-)

Essays / Ryerson Image Arts (New Media) Admissions Essay - instructions are confusing [4]

Yes, that seems like the right interpretation to me, too. It would have been nice, though, if they had simply added a phrase to clarify that they meant!! Some people are not good communicators.

:-)

Essays / Beauty craze in the Western States [3]


If you commit to this process, your whole project will be forced and contrived, lacking spontaneity. Do it the opposite way:

Find some excellent articles, and write about what they show, what they argue, what they prove, etc. write paragraphs all over your word document. No particular order.

BASED ON THIS you will learn. This learning from the articles is the most important part of the process.

When you have a collage of paragraphs, each with a clear topic sentence, you are finally ready to cut/paste the paragraphs into a good sequence, and this is going to make you a REAL expert in the field. You will be deeply familiar with all the current research articles.

When you have written all this, it will be your chapter 2, the Literature Review. Some questions will arise for you after you finish it. As an expert, you will perceive what is missing, what more needs to be done... an experiment? a survey? as series of interviews? A review and analysis of documents? Raise some questions, and then go find:

Cresswell's (2008) work about research methods. Choose a research design that is best for your question. Describe it in chapt 3 of the dissertation

Carry out your research, show the findings in chapter 4

Discuss the findings in chapt. 5

Conclude in chapt 6

Finally, go back and write the intro chapter 1.

I look forward to seeing it!! :-)

Dissertations / "Consumer behaviour at Shoppers Stop" - a PHD topic in Marketing / Digital [3]

Yep, Tim really makes it sound simple!! Actually it is. Even though there is an enormous amount of literature in the field, only a portion of the marketing lit pertains to supermarket shoppers. That is still pretty big, so when you search a database you will see examples of specific areas of focus -- coupon strategies; branding; etc. Some articles have case examples, and some have surveys.

YOUR JOB is to read several hunred pages of these articles, taking notes as you go along, and come up with a creative research project of your own. After you read 300 pages of researchstudies, (and also read Cresswell's 2008 work about research methods) YOU WILL BE READY! You will be an expert.

Graduate / "illiterate parents" -my PERSONAL STATEMENT for a MSc in Management at Bath Univ [4]

Well, yes, that means you have "room for improvement." Make it so that the reader learns one impressive detail after another. If some details are particularly impressive, refer to it more than once, but not too much. Create a great experience for the reader! :-)

Graduate / SOP for MS in Mechanical Engineering: "justify your faith in me" [6]

I am Visweswaran. Replace this with a sentence that catches the reader's attention, a thoughtful observation or a bold assertion! :-)

My mother led me to this world, my schooling lined the way towards education, my undergraduate study establishe d me lay a secure foundation, and I am sure my graduate program will elevate me to great heights.

... graduate program will elevate me to great heights. (add a sentence here to tell the reader about the field you are interested in). I strongly believe that a ...

End this sentence:
One person's life influences the lives of an unbelievable number of people. On e of the most important lessons I learned, during my seventh semester in my college as the leader heading a team, came when I involved the team in social activities.

I like the ending!! I think you should write a little more about your aspirations as a technology mentor.

:-)

Poetry / What if? - What do you think about my cinquain poem and my description? [4]

Well, you get to decide what case example will illustrate it best. Give a paragraph about a person who had this future-predicting equation, and tell what happens to him. You can tell advantages and disadvantages. What would be the negative consequence?

Writing Feedback / City Managar: What is Your Ideal Career Essay [4]

Well, the beginning is nice because it lets us get to know you, but it could be revised to introduce the kind of career you have in mind -- an intro paragraph that gets the reader familiar with the career you are writing about.

But you should tell the prof that it is indeed about what you "want to be when you grow up," because the instructions ask about your ideal career!! So, maybe he should explain better...

:-)

Undergraduate / Cbest Essay on US becoming spectators. [7]

For a nice style, use another dash like this:
U.S. is becoming a nation of spectators--people who prefer to sit back and observe -- rather than a nation of doers.
If you use 2 dashes, it will be clearer for the reader. It clarifies what 2 things you are contrasting.

Th word "despite" is probably better than "in spite of"
In spite of Despite having one of the best ...

I don't like "compete in this competitive"
Eventually, we want to sit back and be a spectator, and we don't want to work hard to compete with in this competitive world.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Study abroad should be encouraged when students are eighteen [4]

Thanks so much Kexin and Jacqueline, this is becoming a great thread.
Please check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Yoojin, you write very well in English, with only small mistakes!!

For these reasons, age eighteen is the best age for a youth to be encouraged to study abroad, because identification and responsibility are settled down, students easily adjust to new culture, and they can escape from inactive education (what do you really mean to write here? They can escape from apathy and boredom. They can escape from the cultural norms that constrain their development.)

Writing Feedback / watching TV is an unhealthy pastime. what do you think about this statement? [3]

Great corrections here!! I also have this advice for you:
Let this be paragraph 2:
The first benefit can be mentioned is that ...
Let this be paragraph 3:
Other benefit is that TV is one of the most ways to relieve stress.

GO BACK TO THE BEGINNING and write an introduction paragraph that tells about the statement and what you think of it. Write a whole paragraph to introduce this discussion before you give the sentences about the benefits.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Writing a Public Health Policy Analysis paper (apa format) [10]

Pharmacists should be trained before administering vaccines to people.

This is a tough one. I think you need to be clearer at the beginning about what the "problem" is.

You say this: The current law allows pharmacies to .... but you do not succinctly name the PROBLEM you are writing about.

Clearly establishing the problem at the beginning is important...

:-)

Scholarship / Primary health care and nursing scholarship essays [3]

...in the U.S. and internationally.

Not only am I a triplet, I am full-blooded Lebanese. --- what does this have to do with anything you just wrote? If you are writing about thinking big and making a big splash in the world, use a topic sentence that supports this idea. don't change the subject.

I like that paragraph about your experiences of war and unfairness... so... keep that paragraph, but change the topic sentence so that it talks about your determination to make a big splash in the world.

ADD a sentence to the intro paragraph that says you became determined when you saw terrible suffering and violence in Lebanon.

Through these experiences, I became well-prepared to work in poverty stricken, low-education, limited resource areas.

I like the second essay a lot. At the end of that second essay, write a sentence that refers back to something you said at the beginning of that second essay. That will wrap it up nicely.

:-)

Poetry / What if? - What do you think about my cinquain poem and my description? [4]

Alright, A++++ but don't just end with that random example. You are talking about an enormous subject, so a single example sort of reduces it. Just add a sentence or two at the end so that it does not end abruptly with that example. Are you allowed to write a longer essay? This essay deserves to have 5 paragraphs (3 body paragraphs, one paragraph = one idea)

:-) it deserves to be longer!!

Poetry / Reminiscence of Childhood: Help with my messy paragraphs? [5]

Hmmmm... "Reminiscence of Childhood" would be reminiscence occurring during childhood. What about this? "Reminiscence about Childhood"

When writing bout literature, keep it in the present tense:
This poem reflects on how our reckless...

Excellent personification...

The fourth stanza contains...

The seventh stanza begins off with an...

wow, I am so impressed with the poem!! Should it be this? Dazzled girl follows.
:-)

I really like this poem a lot, how brilliant...

Poetry / Times Square: A description of my haiku? [9]

A few days before my sixth grade winter vacation, my family spent several days some time in New York City because...
I got rid of one instance of "days"

This is the kind of place a semi-colon is good to use:
Stars represent life and freedom; hence, by comparing the lights in Times Square to the starry stars, I showed how Times Square is an amazing place.

same thing here:
I traveled to various parts in the United States of America; to name a few, Aspen, Boston, Cincinnati, and Indianapolis have my temporary homes . ---- I needed to add a predicate.

:-)

Poetry / How is my analysis of The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost?? [6]

Through his poem, Frost have shown shows that the decisions we make should be chosen carefully not only because will they affect our choices in the future, but also because there is no going back. (now add a sentence to "sharpen" this thesis statement and make it even more specific.) Then, end paragraph one.

Your MLA is good, BUT leave out the comma:
fork in a road and has to decide which road to take, "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood," (1).
fork in a road and has to decide which road to take, "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood" (1).

There should be no comma near the parenthetical reference. Like this:

The line, "And sorry I could not travel both" (2) shows that he...

If you need a comma, it goes after the parentheses like this:

However, rather being good or bad, it already "made all the difference " (20), and therefore he will have to accept his decision.

:-)