Undergraduate / The Art Institute Of Philadelphia Entry Essay [3]


This sentence seems to REDUCE you to something less than you are. I hope you'll think of some unique words to use in a description of what success will consist of for you.

Education is very important and I expect the Art Institute of Philadelphia to teach me and give me the tools I need to succeed.---- yes, it seems like you have some writer's block, because these sentences are "superficial." They are not full of meaning, like they could be. Do not just answer the question in a simple way. Answer this question:

What are your career goals and how do you expect your education at the art institute of philadelphia to help you attain them? in what ways will tyou participate and commit to your education to be successful?" Describe the career of a person you plan to be -- what she does day to day, what she continues to study, how she affects other people's lives? Describe this person you will be at this institute and the resources she will use as she hones her skills.

Get inspired!! :-)

Undergraduate / My explanation of why I did so poorly for the Additional Information part. [3]


This is a powerful sentence, perhaps because of your use of the word "felt." Very good.

As I talked to them, they told me they were homesick like any human would be, but upon mention of parents one of them said, "It's not like I would never see them again."

You do not talk very much about doing poorly. It will be better if you add some sentences about specific difficulties you had and the STEPS YOU HAVE TAKEN to ensure success in this upcoming year.

:-)

Book Reports / How to see the themes in a text & write a Rogerian-style letter to the Author [6]

However, when that same willingness is coupled with a desire, and an ability, to share those struggles, failures and successes alike, with anyone willing to listen, as you have in your book, The Cliff Walk: A Job Lost and a Life Found, then you are to be admired and respected. --- What do you mean? You say "However..." and it makes me think you are going to give a criticism, but then you do not. At the end of the first paragraph, I am confused.

At the outset, the disbelief and shock are there...

I look at your topic sentences to try to get a sense of what you are saying... still not sure..

However, I would like to approach your book from a different perspective because as I began reading, progressing further and further into the passages it is apparent that there is a more striking and, from my view, more important message to be gleaned from your writing; the fallacies of pursuing privilege and status, also known as the American dream. --- okay, now I see that you are about to argue, right...?

or so it seems.--- Yes, it seems like you are about to make an argument.

... as I delved deeper in to the context of the story, the contempt and disgust that you feel towards your past behavior and those who behaved as you did is are obvious. ---- What is the point you are making?

No need for commas here:
Your realization of what you have been putting yourself and your family through to achieve success is...

...is what has enabled you "to raise a family without the wild and demeaning acrobatics that most parents are required to perform if they both hold down jobs" in their attempt to achieve success (253).

Hmmm.. i thought Rogerian style meant you were supposed to argue. Maybe I am wrong, though. In this essay, you show appreciation for his point of view, but then you never actually make an argument.

:-) the writing and citations are great!

Writing Feedback / university dormitories or apartments? [2]

Because student residences are safe, propitious from financial standpoint, and collective student life.--- this sentence is incomplete. It needs a subject to go with the predicate:

I hold this opinion, because student residences are safe, propitious from financial standpoint, and collective student life.

Firstly, dormitories always are guarded against any dangerous accidents ranged from any scandals to fires.---- hahaha, when I was in college, we had several dormitory scandals AND fires!

For a thing For example, last year a student resident of my university was suddenly assailed by a criminal.

Fortunately, my parents do not encounter with financial problems for backing their children's living costs.

Put it all together This is not a good phrase... unless maybe it is popular in some parts of the world I do not know about. Just say,

Based on these ideas,

Based on these ideas, I consider that student residences to be truly convenient for students in order to study in comfortable and beneficial atmosphere. University accommodations are opportune for them, and as students they can use dormitory service well.

Writing Feedback / Short Opinion Essay on Julio Cortazars "Night Face Up"-Feedback [2]

In that first paragraph, you tell us many things about the story, but you don't clearly establish a theme for your essay. Often, we can find a thesis sentence at the end of the first paragraph of an essay... the very last sentence of the paragraph. You finish your first para this way:

The central conflict of the text exists between the concept of a modern, civilized world and a violent, savage world. ---- this makes me want to suggest that you google this: types of conflict

I think this seems like "man vs. himself," but I'm not sure because I don't know the story.

And the paragraph concludes with this:
The two different settings in the story tell us a lot about how differently the author sees both worlds in terms of human behaviour and physical environment. ------- so, is this the main theme for the essay? Do you mean "differently" from the way the rest of us think or do you mean that he sees the two worlds differently?

Also, does this really reflect how the author sees the world(s), or does it reflect a way of seeing the world that the author is trying to draw our attention to?

Your writing is great, but sometimes I see room for improvement of clarity.
For example:
The main idea of the story ( relies evenly on the ?) is also expressed through the other setting of the story, which depicts consists of a savage, violent and uncivilized world. --- a setting doesn't "depict."

In general, though, this is great writing. Just ask yourself how you can improve the clarity of thesis statement and topic sentences.

Book Reports / Thesis about Dark imagery in Romeo & Juliet - feedback [2]

Plural: Light and dark, two kinds of imagery----> Light and dark imagery permeate everyday life.-- correct
In Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, light and dark imagery plays ---- incorrect
In Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, light and dark imagery plays play

In Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, light and dark imagery play prevalent roles in ...

Complete paragraph 1 by writing something about the RELATIONSHIP between these two or how they compare/contrast with one another. Give a clear thesis sentence.

This is how to start paragraph 2:
Dark imagery facilitates the lovers' relationship allowing them to be together even though they are on opposing families. This may be illustrated by an examination of their actions, speeches, and attitude

Start paragraph 3 with an equally excellent topic sentence about light.

Start paragraph 4 with some excellent observation about the 2 in relationship to one another.

Write a conclusion that reflects on your thesis sentence.

Scholarship / Natural Hazards conference attendance scholarship - looking for clarity [2]


It is not so bad to say you are motivated by your career ambition. However, you can simply answer by telling how the content of the workshop is useful and meaningful. Think of the question this way:

How would you an individual or her/his organization benefit from your attendance at the Hazards Workshop?

I can't find errors, and that is not surprising given that you are a tech writer. Sorry I didn't see this before your deadline!!

First and foremost, I want to be a researcher. My interests are include societal impacts and understanding of natural hazards. (add a sentence that refers to VERY current research that interests you, an article or two from the past 3 years. While I do not see myself as a university professor, I do love to educate. Writing articles for ...

Book Reports / response to Stephen Kings "Why We Crave Horror Movies" [2]

Capitalization:
Stephen King is right, we ...

Also, this is a run on sentence called a "comma splice." Google comma splice to see what I mean.

King is right. We are all mentally ill to a point, in the sense that ___________ (give a more specific argument in this thesis sentence.)

another comma splice:
No one is completely perfect; as King points out we all do odd things.--- I fixed it with a semi-colon.


Great sentence!!

by how we show are our insanity.

great essay!! This is a cool topic. In a book by Chogyam Trungpa I read abut "basic sanity" that is the goal meditation practice...

It is pretty crazy that we enjoy seeing violence.
It is pretty crazy that we respond physiologically to certain ideas, making ourselves feel discomfort from physical pympoms associated with anger or sadness. Our bodies rebel against certain ideas... We are pretty crazy...

Poetry / I Am (poem) - complete the blanks [2]

Those are some nice ideas. I hope you will use your own ideas, though! The way to get ideas for this sort of thing is to ask yourself what you really mean to say. I am intrigued by the emotions you express and especially by the last part of the poem. I can help you come up with ideas by giving you a theme:

In your next life you are some kind of minister, remembering your previouslife and writing about it for people who receive spiritual guidance from you. They are teenagers, and they are suffering with similar feelings. What can you tell them? Now that you remember past lives and see that everything is okay, everything is ongoing...

We often discover that things are the opposite of how they seem: The world seemed flat. Material success seemed important. And it seemed obvious that everything was temporary, but... just like everything else, the opposite is true. Everything is ongoing in a way that depends on constant change, which makes everything seem temporary when, actually, everything just is what it is.

So, start from there and fill in those lines in your poem...

Essays / three substantive analyses of the "poet's intent" - my literature essay [5]


That is the way Stephen King writes. He says he never knows how stories will end until they end. Other writers say you need to know where you are going in order to get there.

With composition, both methods can work. I like to come up with a thesis sentence after I look at all the paragraphs I have written, and then tweak the topic sentences accordingly.

Okay, reading it now...

Wow, I am impressed. I kept googling selections of the essay to see if you had copied it from some professionally written article. sorry I doubted you. :-)

So... the thing to do now is use this excellent set of observations to generate insight. What observations can you make about the similarities among these retellings of stories at various times in history? Write a fascinating intro paragraph that tells about something they all have in common or something you observe by comparing them.

Writing Feedback / GRE AW Issue 69. "Government should place few, if any, restrictions... [6]

numerous case study studies.

...or working men and women simply driven...

Your first paragraph does not show a contention with the statement. You are supposed to be showing what is wrong with the statement. I thought your first paragraph would talk about times when it is necessary for the government to impose restrictions.

Your intro paragraph needs to be extended so that it clearly states your criticisms of the speaker's statement.

Moreover, it is also advisable for the government to place detailed yokels on certain fields --- yes, this is what you should have as your focus, I think. The speaker suggests that it might even be most appropriate if the government used NO restrictions. I think you should look at each paragraph of this essay and ask yourself if the topic sentence clearly makes a point to challenge this idea that government restrictions are inappropriate.

For example, this sentence below tells that the government DOES but you should tell why the government SHOULD:
Having said that, the government does retain the power and right to interfere scientific research, as long as it has good grounds for the enforcement.

:-)

Research Papers / An analysis of European colonization through Orwell and Osterhammel [5]


Yes, this is the sort of thing that gets you an A. Nice job...

I love that new thesis statement, too...

Undergraduate / "my first swimming lesson" - answer about extracurricular activity [6]

...and maybe getting back on the competition field. into the water, where the competition happens. --- ah, I don't know if that is so good. I am not very creative today...

As some other people, perhaps in the "student talk" forum. :-)

Writing Feedback / Proportions of males and females - practising to write essays on interpretation of charts [3]

The graph compares the proportions of males and females in the highest qualification achieved for working age of population between 2001 and 2002. ---- the word "in" is not so good.

The graph compares the proportions of males and females in of the highest qualification achieved for working age of population between 2001 and 2002.

For higher education qualification, both genders were represented among those of the lowest percentage.

2. The pie-chart illustrates some of the employment patterns among males and females in Great Britain in the 1990s.

I think you are doing very well! When you get stuck and don't know what to write, it helps to think about a purpose for examining these charts. Imagine that you are trying to make a policy decision for government, or something like that, so that you can analyze charts purposefully.

Undergraduate / Tisch Film Portfolio: Dramatic Essay [3]


Great intro... I am intrigued...

No need for a comma here:
We ventured outside into the cold in order to load the car with the proper equipment.

No need for comma here:
My father and the random stranger were making small talk as I tried to shake the feeling of vertigo that consumed me.

There was a steep slope once you people were off the lift, and a complete ninety-degree drop off before the landing. On the other side, where the chairlifts headed back down the mountain, there was also a steep drop, but nowhere near as bad.

Wow, that is a crazy story. I think you should add a sentence right after this one:


Add a sentence that tells the reader specifically what happened as a result, so that they can understand exactly what happened. then continue: My father, who was on my left side, noticed immediately, and...

:-)

Graduate / essay for graduate admission in MPH and why it fits as a career choice [4]

Awesome... you are great.

In response to this, I started out to study medicine in the university, but then ...

Here are some style ideas:
My Country country is facing crucial health issues and as such is in need of public health professionals to help alleviate the crisis. in the country. I would like to bring about a positive change in my community and my country at large, to be the bringer of whatever positive change that I can bring, and to do that, I need the best education and experience possible. and it It is for this reason that I am applying to your institution; I believe that your institution has the best opportunities to offer.

This does NOT seem impersonal. It is brilliant... seriously.

Undergraduate / "the relationship between China and Italy" -personal statement for a university [3]

Short-tempered, sometimes amiable, but often strict with me, my mother has been one of the greatest positive influences in my life. ---- this is a very nicely constructed sentence!!

As far back as I can remember, the only person stayed with me throughout all trials has been my mother.

...different people, avoid dangerous situations , and overcome difficulties by myself.

I love the ending! However, the first paragraph needs one more sentence. Right now the first para is all about your mother, but the essay is not only about your mother. Add a sentence to the end of paragraph one to tell the reader how your mother's influence led you to have confidence about marketing research when you got older. That way, the essay will have good organization.

:-)

Writing Feedback / 'teacher is a challenging career' - What makes a good teacher? [10]

Put a comma before and after that "extra" phrase "most importantly"
It is my opinion that, most importantly, she the teacher has to be knowledgeable, responsible, and caring. ---- I also took out the female pronoun, because men can be teachers, too.

First of all, a good teacher has to be an expert in the subject s/he teaches.

A teacher who does not know their subject well enough, can never fully pass on the treasured knowledge and skills which are were preserved by our ancestors to her students. ---- this is a great sentence!! Good job...

I'll add a dash here:
It will be a misconception if people say only students study. In fact, teachers do, too -- especially good teachers. The comma was correct, but a dash makes this sentence nice and clear.

In addition, good ...

There is no point giving students tons of homework but if the teachers refuse to mark them. Is this fair ...

...explanation and apologize to them. By doing that, the teacher can not only prove ...

Lastly, a good teacher should be caring towards their the students.
or you could write:
Lastly, good teachers should be caring towards their students.

Most students are immature compared with adults. --- You can't say most students are immature adults. Maybe you mean they are less mature than adults:

Most students are less mature than adults.

Nice job!! You write very clearly and thoughtfully.

Graduate / Personal statement -- Building and Engineering [2]

I'm sorry no one reviewed it again before the deadline. It is very impressive, though! I see no major errors, but little things I might change, like this:

And I realize that tiny things can make an immeasurable vast difference in construction.

My TOEFL score would will be sent to you as soon as I receive it.

:-)

Good luck!!!

Writing Feedback / Transitions in a human life [3]

There are many transitions in the life of human. The stage of maturity is often to be respected the most.
When I was a child, I always waiting for the day I would become mature. I though that time was ...

When I became mature indeed, I recognized that life is not like what I thought . And my dreams in childhood were only a fairy tale which I was made up by imagination. The real life is so harsh. Job, love and friendship are not pure ...

My heart often breaks many times because of my disillusionment. It's the ...

Very nice!! This is very thoughtful and elegantly written, even though there are small mistakes.

Grammar, Usage / "to+VERB-ing" confusion. Few doubts in grammar. [7]

Good question! Sorry I missed it before.

Use "to" when you are going to write about:

some kind of process of VERB-ing.

"I look forward to driving."
I look forward to driving the car.
I look forward to walking.
I look forward to going.

The verb becomes like a noun, and it is called a gerund. That way, it can be the object of a sentence.
"I" is the subject.
The verb is the object.
I... verb.... (object)

I like ice cream.
I like eating.
I like to eat.
I like eating.

You know what?? One good way to understand is like this:
eating = to eat.

I can write:
I like to eat.
or
I like eating.

I like to drive to the store.
I like driving to the store.

I like to eat grasshoppers.
I like eating grasshoppers.

But when you ask about this it is different: "I look forward to"---- This is a different way to use "to."

I look forward to receive it. wrong
I look forward to receiving it. right
I look forward to helping you.
I look forward to Friday.
I went to the store.

"To" is used in a lot of different ways, but you will get in good habits if you
read English aloud often

Essays / Literary tools analysis MLK "I Have a Dream." - great speeches [7]

I assume you mean the "I Have a Dream Speech."

I wonder if you are struggling to write in English. Are you still learning English? The speech is SO important, I hope you can find a good translation, like this english-zone.com/holidays/mlk-dreamj.html. What is your native language?

Here is a start for you: Look at the Wikipedia page for the speech. Look at the English version and also the version in your native language. Then, write about it in this forum and we will correct your mistakes.

After that, look at the speech. You will appreciate it, because the Wikipedia page will have taught you about it.

Undergraduate / Research Application Summary: my Life, Over Flowing with Curiosity [2]

One word: overflowing
Overflowing with Curiosity

I was the only one who had the courage to break that family tradition.---- this sounds judgmental and arrogant. They don't necessarily lack courage. You can write:

I was the only nonconformist who chose to defy that family tradition.

** I don't really think you seem arrogant. I was trying to describe my experience of that sentence and why I don't like it. :-D

Now add one or two more sentences to that first paragraph -- sentences about physics research. That way, you will have introduced the whole "big picture" of your essay.

Then, continue with paragraph 2:

It was during 7th grade when that I started...

This is great writing, but I think you should condense it, taking out the things that are least important. That way, you can add a paragraph or two about recent research studies that interest you. It will be worth the money to invest in a subscription to a scholarly journal in order to find fascinating articles to cite -- articles about research that you want to participate in now.

So, read those articles!! Some of them will be complex, but your writing is so good that I am sure you can understand them. You'll find some articles that give you ideas about what type of research you would like to do. If I was doing it, I would want to learn about "bioelectricity" (Robert O. Becker The Body Electric)

Scholarship / "a maturing point" (experience/achievement/risk) - Scholarship Program essay [5]

Don't switch that verb tense in the middle of a sentence:
As I was sitting in the room with some friends telling scary stories, rousing our fear of going outside, my counselor, Bubba, walked in and boldly said , "Come. Put on your shoes we're going outside." I did not ...

That night I discovered that I have to ultimately depend on myself--- this is my favorite part of the whole essay. I like it, because it made me have an experience. It made me understand how a particular experience away from one's parents can make the kid suddenly really become aware of the fact that s/he is the ultimate authority of this life and the only one who can determine its process. You expressed it perfectly.

However, I think you should not write the whole essay about this experience. I hope you can keep that powerful sentence -- "That night I discovered that I have to ultimately depend on myself." -- but condense all this material into a single intro paragraph. Let that experience of self-reliance be the THEME for the essay, but write the essay about an experience that happened when you were OLDER, something that REMINDED YOU of this experience from camp. This is just my idea for you; it is not necessarily a good idea. I hope it helps to inspire you as you keep working on this... but you are that final authority.

Undergraduate / Thoughts on the start and revising the use of "I" (the sonography field) [2]

What if you were only allowed to use one sentence and you had to convince a friend of the meaningfulness of sonography? What would you write if you had to write it in only one sentence.

Write that sentence as the first sentence of the essay, and you will intrigue the reader.
Then continue...
I am excited that I have found a career that I know I will enjoy and about which I will be passionate. about . For a while I have been searching to find my niche in the medical field, and I began my journey in pursuit of the career by taking prerequisites for the program. Throughout my ...--- I trimmed away some superfluous words.

The next step in my journey was to shadow an ultrasound tech. Standing there ... and then I saw the blood flow of the vascular system.--- all this is a story about your experience, not a demonstration of elevated perspective. Show your excellent perspective by writing less about your experience and more about the field itself. All aspects of medicine are fascinating; you are tasked with the challenge of creating a piece of writing that reflects a keen appreciation for sonography in particular. What makes it meaningful? Impress the reader by imparting some insight, some wisdom.

Research Papers / An analysis of European colonization through Orwell and Osterhammel [5]


The first thing that comes to mind is that I would need to begin by explaining the generalizations made in "Colonialism." I might use some paragraph topic sentences to express generalizations made in Osterhammel and then use the rest of the paragraph to describe examples from Orwell.

Jurgen Osterhammel's "Colonialism" supports Orwell's suppositions by outlining the social order and class rivalry present between European and native society during the colonial epoch. ---- oops, I thought we were talking about how Orwell supports Osterhammel, not vise versa.

Each story provides a deeper understanding of the social upheaval present within European colonies as foreign intruders struggled to maintain their cultural superiority over subject peoples.--- as a thesis statement, this is a little too general and obvious. The question you were asked was "How do they deepen...?" and you answer it with a thesis statement that says "Both deepen..." when your thesis should instead answer by saying "Both deepen by doing ... (what)"

For example:
Each story provides a deeper understanding of the social upheaval present within European colonies as foreign intruders struggled to maintain their cultural superiority over subject peoples, and this is accomplished through ____, ______, and ________.

According to Osterhammel, this attitude of racial superiority stemmed from Christian Eurocentrism, which made it seem base and wrong to maintain an equal relationship with non-Europeans (p. 279). -------> Ellis further demonstrates the perceived sanctity of the European club by describing it as "... the only place where we can enjoy ourselves" (p. 286). --- these are good sentences for expressing how they portrayed generalizations. Your writing is great.

"Burmese Days" and "Colonialism" each both highlight the...

This is strong writing, but consider using a topic sentence to introduce a point made by Osterhammel, and then using the rest of the para to show how that point is supported by Orwell.

Know what I mean!! ?? I don't know how well I explained that, or if maybe I am mistaken...
:-)

Undergraduate / "my first swimming lesson" - answer about extracurricular activity [6]

Swimming is a great aerobic exercise, useful for forgetting my everyday pressures.
(I added one word above, so you have exactly 150.)

Being part of a club gave me the opportunity to share my passion and taught me the value of teamwork. This is why I want to continue practicing throughout my college experience, and maybe getting back on the competition field. --- excellent, but maybe "field" is the wrong word if you are talking about swimming.

Undergraduate / "Visiting new countries" - introduction for admission essay [3]

Matthew's corrections look very good. Also, I hope you will challenge yourself to express a concept that is not so easy to express -- something about this insight you gained when you learned to "look for differences," synthesize, and notice similarities. Try to help the reader share this insight that you are expressing. Can you end your first paragraph with a perfect sentence that may enable the reader to gain some of the insight you gained?

If you can convey one point that makes the reader think in a new way, you will have written something brilliant. You have to start by asking yourself what valuable insight you want to share... make it something that you felt very excited about when you noticed it.

For example, what did you mean about looking for similarities? This is intriguing...

:-)

Scholarship / "finding advanced technologies that work on safe energy"-Statement of Objectives [4]

I think you did do a good job attending to each of those. It helpful if you can find ways to use key words from their instructions, such as: previous studies, work experience, propose, program...--- these are the terms that will help them to know that you are methodically responding to their questions.

I don't think the word "therefore" is good here:
Therefore Your scholarship program ...

I believe that I have the confidence in myself to strive for the furthest goals. ----"I believe" usually weakens writing. Also, I think "furthest goals" is not so good:

I believe that I have the confidence in myself to strive for the furthest goals. Confidence is good, but the rest of the sentence is not. "Striving" is not the object; "succeeding" is the object.

I have the confidence and discipline necessary to achieve my long-term goal of _____________.

:-)

Essays / Children's Literature (how to avoid stereotyping) [5]


That is a great point! How can we teach anything about, for example, Japanese culture, without making ridiculous generalizations? The only way I could think of in the past was to teach in a superficial way about traditions and lore, etc. But how do we SAY something about a culture without reducing it? A great way, as Rod Farva mentions, is to give more than one perspective.

I guess that means an anthology of literature is great for teaching social studies.

Letters / My CV for undergraduate admission (economics, experience, leadership, activity) [4]

* Lived in crude prefabricated house and slept for ten days on bed combined by constructed from nine de sks, without having any showers, during hottest period of summer

* Lost camera, money and ID card. Realized importance of self-protection especially when traveled alone in strange city-----Hahahahaha, you are awesome. Great writing here... it is nice that you put this as an accomplishment. Great idea...

Writing Feedback / "try to live within your means" - my Cause and Effect Essay [4]

Add commas before the "but":
I don't know that I was swept away by greed or material possessions, but I do admit that I had a long term motive. We bought a second home because we were relocating, but we also thought...

The mention of greed and material possession confuses me in this first paragraph. Why should buying a home seem greedy?

I think you could add one more sentence to the end of that first paragraph, a sentence that expresses the main idea of the whole essay. Can you sum up your theme in a sentence and add it after "...decline in the economy happened."

Don't capitalize "family."

Nevertheless, our real-estate agent had us convinced that this was the right thing to do and reassured us that five years would be plenty of time to refinance and combine our mortgages; we shouldn't worry about a thing.--- this is a nicely structured sentence!

...but I think we were not so smart on buying to buy the house on a whim.

This essay needs a few sentences added to highlight the cause and effect you are talking about. If you are assigned to write a cause and effect essay, focus on showing the reader how a particular cause leads to the effect. That is, focus on making the reader appreciate how A can cause B. That should be the focus of the essay, its purpose.

Maybe I am wrong about that; it depends on the nature of your assignment.

But you seem to have a purpose like this: show the reader the importance of living within means.
If this is to be a cause and effect essay you should show the reader the cause to watch out for. It is a subtle difference.

:-)

Graduate / A strong connection between me and the field of engineering - sustainable energy systems MSc [4]

Look for places where you can trim away unnecessary words and make it stronger:
As a kid, I used to dismantle my toys in order to discover the smallest parts. that they were made of.

It is worth mentioning that, in my finals at during my last year of high school, I had the best scores in my class, for which I earned a scholarship for the first year of my studies. ---- After this, ad a short sentence of about 10 words, a sentence that says something about this knack you seem to have and your high hopes for making god use of it. That is what I would do.

Then move on to paragraph 2:
During my studies, I had the opportunity to discovered a wide range of subject areas, like the __________ of computer science, telecommunications, electronics, automatic control and electric power.

(Above), this changes it so that you are talking about a particular idea, rather than just listing things.

No comma necessary here:
It is time to begin abandoning fossil-fuel based electricity generation in favor of implementing green energy.

:-)

Very impressive!!
Please check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Writing Feedback / Rhetorical Analysis - Advertisement photos [2]


Right after this, add another sentence before ending your first paragraph. Make it a thesis statement that clearly expresses your opinion that the GAP ad is better.

But how did you decide that the criterion for choosing the better photo is its ability to appeal to a bigger audience?

This just screams at you to be very careful before you even read a word. ----- good sentence!!

This lacks all credibility because the claim is inflammatory and has no sources to corroborate the statement.--- I agree that a source would strengthen it, but I don't think it is inflammatory... just a fact.

Rhetoric and argument represent not just a skill, but also a _______; appealing to logic (logos), emotion (pathos), and integrity (ethos), must be a combined consideration in order to win the minds of so many.

:-)

Essays / Exploring paper about the connection between the media, books, violence, and terrorism [10]

I can see why this would be a difficult topic to find sources for. It is easy to google a straightforward topic, but this topic is tough to explain, and tough to find key words for.

How about if you search for this:
The influence of literature upon society

I found a few good sources that way. Also, I use questia.com. MAybe that will help you, but you have to pay a little $$ for membership.

ALSO, this topic is too broad. Choose a society or a particular aspect of a society. Also, you might want to choose particular kinds of literature or particular kinds of influence. For example, you might want to write about the influence of literature on the gender equality/inequality in the 18th, 19th, and 20th century.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Writing a Public Health Policy Analysis paper (apa format) [10]


Make sure it is something you can easily understand. Nothing is worse than trying to write a research paper about something you don't understand.

Here is a site that will explain some of the bills in ways that are easy to understand.
publichealthadvocacy.org/
This can be a tough assignment if you try to write about something that is very complex.

publichealthadvocacy.org/legislation.html

when you choose one, google it and see what everyone says about it.

Then, paste these instructions into a word document and respond to each part separately in a few paragraphs.

Finally, put the paragraphs together as an essay.

Use good topic sentences to show that you answered all the assignment's questions.

Good luck, this is a tough one!! :-)
:-)

Undergraduate / Bachelor of Biology/Psychology -G.Washington University Transfer Admission Essay [5]


Yes, I agree here. Good point, Tim. also, I want to mention that, if you do keep this paragraph, the correct way is to write: ...Living in America has been a blessing for my family and me.

My family and I live in America. ("I" is part of the subject of the sentence)
Living in America has been a blessing for my family and me. ("Me" is the word to use for the "object" of the sentence)

I would then like to continue my education by going to medical school and becoming a doctor dermatologist (or some other specialization). ----It is more impressive if you know what kind of physician you want to be. Acupuncture? General Practitioner? Cardiologist?

:-)

Graduate / McGill M.Arch in "Cultural Mediation and Technology" - statement letter [9]


If her name Adams, you have to write "Mrs. Adams' study" or Ms. Adams' study"

It seems like the order of words should be this way (below):
...future possible typology for decentralized medical structures.

What key elements should a small structure should possess for immediate and quality response to the constant changing society?

:-)

Scholarship / describe my career aspiration and personal attributes [2]

Hi Sunisa,

I think your topic should depend on your strategy. If you were the reader, how would you decide who is most deserving of the scholarship? I think readers favor candidates with the clearest plans.

If others just write general things about abstract concepts, but you outline a clear, detailed plan for the future, I think you will have the advantage.

I look forward to reading your detailed plan! :-)

Scholarship / Overcome challenges in pursuit of professional development (Ford scholarship) [5]

Like any long road having on it of many obstacles, my professional development has appeared to have no fewer included it's unique challenges. During three years experienced of teaching experience, each challenge has ...

I agreed and with student: Both of u you were working and even praying very hard. Finally, he passed with high marks, which made me so happy. --- nice!! You are great. Very cool.

From then on, I am have felt more experienced and

My good results in the TESOL course could be the fruits of what I learned from those difficulties.

However, there were times when I was filled with negative feelings about classes and students, which caused me to think of running away from my teaching career and begin another one. ...

After those significant challenges, a picture has gradually shaped in my mind. It is a picture of understanding combined with experience. I believe, to keep the teaching fire burning, that studying paralleled with teaching and creating needs to must be an endless process. --- I took out "needs to" because the reader might get confused, as needs can be a verb or noun.

NICE job!! Seriously, you are very impressive.